Why belonging beats shame every time

Most people who join Clutter Free Academy don’t show up with cheerful introductions. They arrive calling themselves lazy, terrible, bad moms, bad wives. They expect judgment. Maybe rejection.

Instead, they’re met with kindness. Sometimes aggressively so.

In this solo episode of Find Your Freaks, I go deeper into my conversation with Kathi Lipp (Ep 2) and explore how Clutter Free Academy became one of the kindest corners of the internet — not through rules or chore charts, but through belonging. Clutter may look like a housekeeping issue, but it’s really about overwhelm, perfectionism, and shame. What people need most isn’t motivation. It’s safety. And safety starts with kindness.

This episode is about the mechanics of creating community around sensitive struggles: why guardrails matter, how to universalize pain so no one feels alone, and why exclusion is a feature, not a flaw.

Episode Highlights

• [03:51] Kathi’s trust: building on free rein
• [07:20] Guardrails that made Clutter Free safe
• [09:21] Tonya’s story of clutter, hoarding, and healing
• [12:29] Insisting on kindness—even toward yourself
• [17:55] Universalizing struggles to normalize experience
• [20:15] Aggressive kindness in practice
• [25:40] Why exclusion is part of belonging
• [27:37] Belonging before belief

Leading with Kindness

New members often introduced themselves with harsh self-talk: “I’m lazy. I’m terrible. I’m the worst.” My first response was always the same: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. We are the kindest corner of the internet. That means you must be kind to yourself.”

Kindness wasn’t optional. It was the baseline that told people they already belonged.

Guardrails That Create Safety

We didn’t open Clutter Free to everyone. “Born organized” types who came to gawk or critique were kept out. Guardrails weren’t about control—they were about creating safety so vulnerability could thrive.

Universalizing Struggles

Clutter might show up as messy homes, but for many it’s cluttered calendars or cluttered thinking. By naming clutter as part of a universal human struggle, members realized they weren’t defective—they were human.

Belonging Before Belief

You can’t shame people into belonging. Whatever your community’s focus—health, parenting, creativity—the same truth applies: people must belong before they can believe.

Meet Your Host

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point.

Support the Show

If Find Your Freaks matters to you, help us keep it ad-free by buying us a coffee (or two!). Every dollar goes to production so more weirdos can find their people.

You can purchase Find Your Freaks merchandise online through Abilities and Attitudes.

Links and Mentions

• Clutter Free Academy Facebook Group
• The Clutter Free Academy Podcast

Let’s Stay Freaky

• Facebook Group
• LinkedIn
• Instagram
• Podcast Hub

What’s Next

Next week, we’ll tackle how finding your people doesn’t always mean starting a group. It can also mean using your unique gifts on behalf of others. Stay tuned for a conversation about secrets, support, and the unexpected ways belonging shows up.