Why Some Lives Are Grieved and Others Ignored

What makes one person’s suffering worthy of compassion while another’s is dismissed as deserved? In this solo episode of Find Your Freaks, host Tonya Kubo wrestles with the haunting question: Whose suffering counts?

Building on her conversation with Rachel Allen in Episode 4, Tonya explores how society decides whose pain deserves acknowledgment, and whose lives are treated as disposable. From incarceration and addiction to miscarriage and clutter, she traces how secrecy, shame, and the us-vs.-them mindset shape our capacity for compassion.

At the heart of the conversation is belonging: every human has the right to be seen and valued. But when we withhold grief from some lives, we shrink our own humanity in the process.

Episode Highlights

• [03:09] The haunting question that keeps Tonya up at night
• [08:05] Us vs. them: How we assign compassion
• [14:25] Why belonging must include criminals
• [20:10] How society teaches us whose lives are “grievable”
• [24:27] Propaganda, dehumanization, and historical echoes
• [37:16] Serving in your lane: belonging through gifts and talents
• [40:23] A reminder if you’ve been told your pain doesn’t matter

Whose Pain Deserves Compassion?

From childhood, Tonya noticed contradictions in how adults talked about life and death: pro-life but pro-death penalty, condemn an abortion but dismiss an execution. These contradictions sharpened into a lifelong question — whose suffering counts, and why?

Dehumanization Then and Now

Drawing on history — from WWII propaganda to modern prison conditions — Tonya shows how entire groups are stripped of humanity so their suffering feels less urgent. Whether it’s incarcerated people, immigrants, unhoused neighbors, or people in the throes of active addiction, society quietly decides their pain doesn’t warrant compassion.

But every story deserves witnesses. Every life deserves grief.

Pull Quotes

• “Perspective is what separates compassion from condemnation.” — Tonya Kubo
• “Every story deserves witnesses. Every life deserves grief.” — Tonya Kubo
• “Community is an act of resistance against systems that say some people don’t count.” — Tonya Kubo

Meet Your Host

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

Links & Mentions

• Episode 4: Belonging Behind Bars with Rachel Allen
• Frames of War: When Is Life Grievable? by Judith Butler
• Less Than Human by David Livingstone Smith
• Beyond Broken podcast by Rachel Allen
• Engineering Consent in 1940s America: The Role of Propaganda in the Japanese-American Internment by Tonya Kubo
• Episode 3: Kindness First, Clutter Second

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What’s Next

Next week, we’ll talk about how finding your people doesn’t always mean starting a group. It can also mean using your unique gifts on behalf of others. Stay tuned for Episode 6.