Show notes week 6 is your child a Praise Junkie? 

Definition of "Praise Junkie"

One of the downsides of positive parenting 

Cultural backdrop of overpraising children: 

◦ BF skinner research in positive reinforcement in 1920s

◦ Definitions of positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, Punishment

◦ Permissive parenting in the 1960s as a pendulum shift

◦ Motivating with positive reinforcement schedules rather than negative reinforcement or punishment. 

◦ Self esteem movement— can be taken too far and create narcissistic traits. 

◦ Self-confidence comes from competence and skills especially for boys. Empty Praise without achievement causes child to doubt their parent because the child understands the truth. 

◦ Filling Mother’s needs for validation (generally the Mom!) 

◦ Trophies for everyone on the team

Problems: 

◦ Praise loses its effectiveness over time and must be increased to get initial effect

◦ Kids can become dependent

◦ Older kids can become dismissive of a parental praise

◦ Children experience the world as strangely harsh and non-supportive compared to parents’ constant fix of praise

◦ But human brains are much more easily motivated by fear than reward, so if we only use positive reinforcement we have an unnecessarily big job.

◦ Human brains perceive pain and pleasure in relative terms—- so without a counterbalance to pleasure, a brain has difficulty sensing pleasure. 

◦ Overpraising also orients the child to external validation rather than internal validation. It leaves them vulnerable to the opinions of others (either good or bad) 

◦ Charlotte Mason quote about internal validation

Solutions

◦ Praise less effusively and less often. Make your praise a more valued commodity 

◦ Model self-validation

◦ Give the child permission : “I would be proud of myself! Are you proud of yourself?”

◦ Give them the words for self validation, “I’ll bet you feel very accomplished, very proud of yourself— eh?”

◦ Ask for introspection : “How does it feel to have accomplished that ? Kinda awesome?”

◦ After an accomplishment ask: “What do you think? “ If they hesitate a great deal, say “If I were you I’d be amazed at myself!” Or another adverb: proud, happy, hopeful, satisfied, ecstatic, pleased.” Be curious.

◦ When kids say I don’t know

◦ Use understated body language: a smile, a wink, Pat on the shoulder, thumbs up, nod of the head. Save the touchdown celebration for something miraculous 

◦ Research shows many high achieving families (Tiger Mothers) use a great deal of shame associated with disappointing parents. Instead we should let our attachment relationship provide the motivation not to disappoint. 

◦ Research also shows a great way that some cultures motivate children is two fold: 1.Tell the child they are gifted in some way.

2. Because of that gift, they must not waste their talent. And that they can always do a little better.