Families with Dash

Most parents don't realize that powerful research shows that the ability to delay gratification in children is the most important factor for life success. Not grades. Not genius intelligence. Not money. The most important factor (after having a reasonable level of intelligence) is the trait Concientiousness. That's a fancy way to say, "Ability to delay gratification." Heres an important podcast that points to these facts. 

"A puppy? I can't take having a puppy!" We've all said it, right? And it is true that pets can be a significant stressor when you have very young children. But pets can teach important lessons of empathy, love, patience, and loyalty to our older children. In this podcast, Amelia and Joan discuss the benefits of having family pets and why it might be worth the effort to invite an animal into your family. 

We know there are tons of questions, concerns, hopes and dreams around homeschooling your children. Here are some key concepts by experienced homeschool moms and the research based insights from a clinical mental health counselor. Let us know what other issues you want addressed!

This gives answers to your homeschooling questions. The questions you have wanted to ask and the answers that you need. Enjoy!

Maybe you are trying to go the "gentle parenting" route but find you are yelling at your children more. You are not alone. Here are some solutions to that unhealthy habit of yelling.

Hear from a super experienced, second-generation homeschool mom of five children ages 10-18 years old. She has successfully navigated the issues that may be challenging you -- and you will get some concrete ideas to inspire you! 

Purchase the popular phonics-based reading program at Dash into Learning.

Purchase our family-centered Social Emotional Learning program Dash into Happy. 

This episodes discusses the development of attention in children so they can become proficient musicians--plus family traditions that create an appreciation and excitement for masterpiece music. You can start before your baby is even born!

Purchase our delightful early learning curriculum at DashIntoLearning.com and our family centered Social Emotional Learning program at DashIntoHappy.com

Ever wondered the secrets to getting children to practice their instrument? Joan is a mother of seven musical children and Amelia is the mom of four kids who are learning instruments. And they are sharing some time tested strategies to inspire your child to practice.

See our popular phonics based reading program for kids here at DashintoLearning.com

See our popular emotional resilience program for families here at DashintoHappy.com

Show Notes

Benefits

Composer studies via Charlotte Mason

Next week Rob Landes Violin

Don't you have to criticize your kids and spouse to motivate them? The answer is "No". Learn a different strategy that will help you kick the criticism habit. 

• Purchase our family-centered Social Emotional Learning program for kids here at DashintoHappy.com

Show notes:

Amelia’s experience with her new ponies

Strength-based motivation contrasted with “criticism motivation”

Creates defensivenesses 

Need to disrupt negative strategies 

Criticism is a habit of mind

“Something’s wrong here”

Strength-based motivation is good for relationships and for personal resilience

Definition of Strength-based motivation 

Example of child cleaning the kitchen poorly

“Nothing I do is ever good enough”

Laissez-faire parenting ends up in blow-ups and recriminations 

Cooperate to assist in cleaning

Volunteer to be the servant and boss

Make the process relational as you include instruction

Example 2: Being on time

Find an instance that they are already mastering

Validate the person’s strength

Invite them to apply strengths to the new situation

Find and acknowledge places that people are successful

Criticism generates defensiveness

Express faith and offer a support system

Shaping behavior as a factor in strength based motivation 

Definition of shaping behavior

Freshman psychology class shaping behavior of professors 

Don’t wait for perfection to reinforce behavior

Amelia’s example of her daughter’s attitude

Have conversation with daughter when she’s not upset

A reminder cue 

Solution-focused approach

What can you keep doing that created the good results 

Most of us use criticism 90% of time 

Strength-based motivation could be 90% of motivation 

This strategy can be used in all relationships regather than shaming and failure

Gossiping and complaining 

Say 3 nice things about that person or situation instead 

When children are whining or complaining ask 

What’s right about this situation?

Then process what needs to change. 

Teach and train before the negative behavior occurs. 

Intentionally teach beforehand rather than just catching a child in a bad situation. 

This strengthens the attachment relationship

After a difficult situation you can ask your child to find 3 good things about the difficult situation 

This helps your family culture to be more positive

Show notes week 6 is your child a Praise Junkie? 

Definition of "Praise Junkie"

One of the downsides of positive parenting 

Cultural backdrop of overpraising children: 

◦ BF skinner research in positive reinforcement in 1920s

◦ Definitions of positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, Punishment

◦ Permissive parenting in the 1960s as a pendulum shift

◦ Motivating with positive reinforcement schedules rather than negative reinforcement or punishment. 

◦ Self esteem movement— can be taken too far and create narcissistic traits. 

◦ Self-confidence comes from competence and skills especially for boys. Empty Praise without achievement causes child to doubt their parent because the child understands the truth. 

◦ Filling Mother’s needs for validation (generally the Mom!) 

◦ Trophies for everyone on the team

Problems: 

◦ Praise loses its effectiveness over time and must be increased to get initial effect

◦ Kids can become dependent

◦ Older kids can become dismissive of a parental praise

◦ Children experience the world as strangely harsh and non-supportive compared to parents’ constant fix of praise

◦ But human brains are much more easily motivated by fear than reward, so if we only use positive reinforcement we have an unnecessarily big job.

◦ Human brains perceive pain and pleasure in relative terms—- so without a counterbalance to pleasure, a brain has difficulty sensing pleasure. 

◦ Overpraising also orients the child to external validation rather than internal validation. It leaves them vulnerable to the opinions of others (either good or bad) 

◦ Charlotte Mason quote about internal validation

Solutions

◦ Praise less effusively and less often. Make your praise a more valued commodity 

◦ Model self-validation

◦ Give the child permission : “I would be proud of myself! Are you proud of yourself?”

◦ Give them the words for self validation, “I’ll bet you feel very accomplished, very proud of yourself— eh?”

◦ Ask for introspection : “How does it feel to have accomplished that ? Kinda awesome?”

◦ After an accomplishment ask: “What do you think? “ If they hesitate a great deal, say “If I were you I’d be amazed at myself!” Or another adverb: proud, happy, hopeful, satisfied, ecstatic, pleased.” Be curious.

◦ When kids say I don’t know

◦ Use understated body language: a smile, a wink, Pat on the shoulder, thumbs up, nod of the head. Save the touchdown celebration for something miraculous 

◦ Research shows many high achieving families (Tiger Mothers) use a great deal of shame associated with disappointing parents. Instead we should let our attachment relationship provide the motivation not to disappoint. 

◦ Research also shows a great way that some cultures motivate children is two fold: 1.Tell the child they are gifted in some way.

2. Because of that gift, they must not waste their talent. And that they can always do a little better.