棹歌中流 爱情不死 Flowing in the Chantey, an Undying Love by 吴尘

原文链接 https://mp.weixin.qq.com/s/wcR5NO_W9h9gNqPOHBlQEw

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遇见魏世杰老爷爷是我的幸运。在此之前，本以为也读了很多回忆录，看过一些当事者的访谈，对那个时代人的命运，悲苦也算是有所了解，不至于心绪起伏，不可自制。

Meeting grandpa Wei Shijie is my fortune. Before writing this article, I thought I was well-versed in the sufferings and the fate of that generation. After all, I read a lot of autobiographies and interviews of people from that time. So I didn't expect myself to have so many emotional ups and downs. They were beyond restraint.

但真的面对面，看着他的眼睛，里面的清明通透，悲悯达观，虽然有些疲惫，但笑容里的豁达，喜乐，仍让我动容。

However, when I looked into his eyes in person, the clarity, compassion, magnanimity, with a tad of tiredness in those eyes and his generous any joyful laugh still entranced me.

喜欢听老爷爷讲他的爱情，一提起林妹妹，眼睛里的光好像能照亮全世界。他说这是他一生中最为刻骨铭心的爱情。多少年了，不管生活的境遇残酷摧逼到何种地步，只要想起林，就好像一切都不那么重要了。

I liked when grandpa Wei talked about his love story. The moment he mentioned sister Lin, the lights beamed from his eyes could light up the entire world. He said this is the most heartfelt and memorable love story of his life. In spite of many years passed, no matter how low the manacles of fate and life pushed him, everything seems so trivial to grandpa Wei at the thought of sister Lin.

在他心里面，她和分别的时候一样，沉静清澈，就像湖水。他忘不了那年在青海湖，林就这样静静地靠着他，把头钻进他的怀里，他用外衣包裹着她，小心翼翼，像怕碰坏了瓷娃娃。就这样看着云卷云舒，飞鸟停歇。他说他们盼着这样的日子很久了，所以都愿意它尽可能地长久。

In his heart, she, just like the last time they bade farewell, was so serene and limpid, like a lake. What he'll never forget is that year at Qinghai Lake. Lin leaned quietly towards him, her head in his arms; he covered her with his coat, so carefully that she was like a fragile porcelain doll. They were just there, watching the comings and goings of clouds and flying and resting birds. He said they'd been looking forward to such a day for a long long time. So they hoped that it could last as long as possible.

在青海核基地的十多年里，这样岁月静好的日子极少。他们这批立志为国防科研事业贡献一生的大学生们，从最初开始，就注定走上一条远离庸常幸福的路。

Working at the nuclear base in Qinghai for more than a decade, they rarely enjoyed a peaceful day like this. They were the batch of college students who were always ready to devote themselves to the cause of national defense and technology. From the very beginning, their fates were already written: to walk a path far from cliche happiness.

随着“文革”的大潮袭来，他们所在的基地难成净土。他身边的人，也都或早或晚成为被批判专攻的对象。那些人，多是躬耕科研，一生忠其志，为国家事业牺牲也再所不惜的知识分子。

As Cultural Revolution was raging forward, the base where they lived was nowhere from a peaceful land. People around them had been or would be denunciated and penalized. Most of them were intellectuals who'd committed their whole life to science and who wouldn't hesitate to sacrifice themselves for the causes of their motherland.

他们有专业，但被政治剥夺；有项目，却成为专政的疽痈。生命力被一点点折磨耗尽，他们的余生就像离开了水的鱼，早晚干涸而死。

They had their expertise, yet with no political rights; they had their projects, yet being accused as the tumor leading to dictatorship. Their life had been depleted, drop by drop; they lived like a fish out of water for the rest of their life, waiting to be dried up and dead.

幸存的比如留德吴博士一样，因为过度惊吓，精神失常。再比如早先被专政的在后期成了揭发能手，毫不心慈手软的把炮口朝向自己的伙伴。

Some of those who eventually survived were tortured by mental disorders due to extreme shocking, like Dr. Wu who'd studied in Germany. And some of them, who used to be wrongly accused in the beginning, later became the super "whistle-blower" who'd mercilessly hold their own friends to the gun points.

早逝的比如早年重用知识分子、被批判的吴厂长，因为长期在锅炉房劳动改造，备受折磨而病死。又比如炸药专家钱因为宁死也不肯承认莫须有的罪名，被打得肋骨全裂而亡。又或者刚烈如周组长，因在别人的批判大会上愤然退出，被隔离关押，最终跳楼自尽，用生命向逼迫者抗议，完成了精神的不朽。

Those who didn't survive include factory Manager Wu. In the early years, he valued and promoted many intellectuals. After going through the denunciation rallies, he was sent to labor in a boiler room and died of an illness and tortures. Explosion expert Qian would rather die than admit the fabricated accusations. He was beaten to death. All his ribs were broken. Another one is the strong-willed group Leader Zhou. He was detained after storming out of a denunciation rally of someone else. Eventually, he committed suicide after jumping from a building. By protesting against the rebel groups with his life, he achieved spiritual immortality.

而他也无法独善其身，被迫用曾经梦想写科普著作的笔去写批判材料。所批之人，有曾经提携支持过他的恩师，他最为敬重的上级。在如此艰难时刻，林是他唯一的安慰和盼望，给了他好多继续走下去的力量和理由。

As for him, he was unable to remain as a moral and righteous person in such a malign era. He was forced to write denunciation material with his pen, a pen he once dreamed to use to produce great scientific works. Those who he denunciated included his teachers who'd promoted and supported him before, his superiors he'd put on the pedestal. In such a difficult hour, Lin was his only solace and hope, offering him strength and reasons to walk on.

在一封来信中，林说到：“在目前的形势下，你不可能有所作为，也不可能改变什么，浪费时间和精力，徒然增添烦恼而已。无意之中，充当帮凶的角色，也未可知。当然，我知道，这不是你的心愿。你会坚守自己的信念。但我要嘱咐你一句，不要只考虑自己，尽你最大努力，去怜悯那些受苦受难的人吧。”

In a letter, Lin said, "There's nothing you can do in the status quo. There's nothing you can change. Wasting time and energy on this can do nothing but deepen your own sorrow. I know it's not your intention. But, unwittingly you might've already become an accomplice in this. I know it's against your heart. You will stick to your own beliefs. But a word of caution: don't just think about yourself. Do your best to pity those who've suffered."

他也的确如此，尽其所能，去帮助保护患难中的人。林的嘱托和他的信仰在那样的无边黑暗中，是他脚前的灯，路上的光。

He did his best, like Lin said, to offer a hand to those in difficulties. Amidst the endless dark hours, Lin's cautious words and his faith illuminated his path ahead.

他说他现在也清清楚楚的记得最后一次和林相见，是在他精心布置的准备结婚的新房里，墙壁上，挂着他费尽周折托人画的林最喜欢的居里夫人的画像，那双眼睛里包含着宁静、智慧和善良。
He said he still remembered vividly his last meeting with Lin. That was at the wedding house he'd meticulously decorated. On one of the walls hangs a portrait of Madame Curie, which he went through some trouble to get. Peace, wisdom and kindness glitter in those eyes of Madame Curie.

在那个属于他们的温暖夜晚，他们就这样相拥着，不说话，一动不动。他想帮她撩开脸上的乱发，却触到了湿湿的泪。他说他那时才读懂以前读过的诗：“若你流泪，湿的总是我的脸；若你悲戚，苦的总是我的心。”

In that warm everything that only belonged to them, they just embraced each other. No words. No motions. He went to clear the shaggy hair on her face; instead, he felt her tears. He said only then had he understood the poems he used to read: "Your tears always dampen my face; your sorrows always pain my heart."

以后他们才知道，那个夜晚就是他们此生最后的相聚。林就此离开，加入攻关组，奔赴核试验第一线。几年后，他得知林在现场出了事故，受到严重的核辐射，生命垂危。

Only in later days did they realize that that was their last time to be together. After that evening, Lin left, joining a special workforce at the nuclear base. Some years later, he learned that an accident happened at Lin's workplace, exposing Lin to severe radiation. Lin was dying.  

本想第一时间去见她，却因为一场原为救人的事故，被诬陷蓄意谋杀，隔离审查。在那段被囚禁的日子里，心急如焚的他只有在夜晚望着月亮时，才有片刻安慰。想着可以通过月亮的反射，看见彼此，就好像和林在同一个空间下紧紧相偎。

He intended to go and see her immediately. Yet, after an accident where he intended to save lives, he was wrongly accused of an attempt to murder and detained afterward. In those days behind bars, he was burning with anxiety. The only piece of comfort for him was the moon hanging in the night sky. Thinking that they could see each other through the moon's reflection, he felt that he was holding Lin tight in the same space.

后来林彪倒台，被平反的他，第一时间奔去见林，不想已生死两隔。

Later, Lin Biao was dethroned and he got exonerated. Instantly, he rushed to see Lin, hoping that death wouldn't separate them.

为了弥补这个一生的遗憾，在他的书里面，他想象了一个完满的结局，在那个结局里，他不顾一切地逃离隔离审查处，在医院见到了林最后一面，给她唱了她最喜欢的圣诗——《珍宝》。

In order to make it up for the regret of his life, he wrote a happy ending in his book. In the ending, he managed to escape from his detainment at any risk and see Lin for the last time in the hospital. He sang her her favorite hymn--Jewels.

“等主回来，快要回来，

要聚集他珍宝，

明亮珍宝，洁白珍宝，

主心深喜爱…”

"When He cometh when He cometh

To make up His jewels

All His jewels precious jewels

His loved and His own"

后来，他辗转寻到了林的骨灰，按照她的嘱托，把骨灰撒在黄浦江上，和她当年在此投江的母亲，互相有个照应。

Later, he found Lin's urn after passing through many places. Per her request, he spread her ashes to Huangpu River so that she could reunite with her mother who killed herself in the very same river.

他说他一直都记得那天的江边，很安静，只听到浪花声，人世间的恩怨离他们好远好远，只有广阔的江，海，云，天。就这样坐在小船上，把林的骨灰放在他折的小纸船里，随风消失在天的尽头。他说他的心里很安然，他知道林是去到天国，一个没有痛苦、悲伤的地方。

He said that he still remembered the river was very quiet. He could only hear the splashing waves. The grudges and gratitude in the earthly world were so far away from them. What they saw were just an expansive river, ocean, clouds, and sky. Like this, he sat in a small boat, put Lin's ashes in the paper boat he'd folded and watched it vanish to the end of the sky. He said his heart was at peace. He knew Lin went to heaven, a place with no pain or sorrows.

在他心里面，她洁净如水，是从天上来，就像他最喜欢的《红楼梦》中的词 “质本洁来还洁去”，这样的结局挺好。

Deep in his heart, she was pure as water, falling from heaven. Just like a line from this poem in A Dream in the Red Mansions, "for pure you came and pure shall go." Such an ending is a good ending.

“我太放任自己，忘记了

不仅仅世事纷纭，万灵自由

他们的眼中包含着生命的浑然一体

怎会有人明了我们之间所发生的

以弥补时间所不能兑现的一切

每一轮凋谢的青春中

我奇妙的长大

而你，我的爱，拥有我内心狂野的童年

记忆行将匮乏，那些瞬间里

一定累积过我生命的页岩

沉淀自沧浪之水

我无须怀念，只因我的一切由你而成

且令我心意难平

在远离你的清冷场所，即便无法感知你

而你的缺席，也给你暖意

实实在在胜过独自忧闷

思念总是不经意地走入幻觉

当你的影子分别浮现轻盈如月光栖息在窗棂

我缘何仍要抛弃自己”

——里尔克

I held myself too open, I forgot

that outside not just things exist and animals

fully at ease in themselves, whose eyes

reach from their lives' roundedness no differently

than portraits do from frames; forgot that I

with all I did incessantly crammed

looks into myself; looks, opinion, curiosity.

Who knows: perhaps eyes form in space

and look on everywhere. Ah, only plunged toward you

does my face cease being on display, grows

into you and twines on darkly, endlessly,

into your sheltered heart.

As one puts a handkerchief before pent-in-breath-

no: as one presses it against a wound

out of which the whole of life, in a single gush,

wants to stream, I held you to me: I saw you

turn red from me. How could anyone express

what took place between us? We made up for everything

there was never time for. I matured strangely

in every impulse of unperformed youth,

and you, love, had wildest childhood over my heart.

Memory won't suffice here: from those momentsthere 

must be layers of pure existenceon 

my being's floor, a precipitate

from that immensely overfilled solution.

For I don't think back; all that I am

stirs me because of you. I don't invent you

at sadly cooled-off places from which

you've gone away; even your not being there

is warm with you and more real and more

than a privation. Longing leads out too often

into vagueness. Why should I cast myself, when,

for all I know, your influence falls on me,

gently, like moonlight on a window seat.

By Rainer Maria Rilke