Why looking “fine” can be the loneliest place to be.

Some of the freakiest people you’ll ever meet don’t stand out at all.

They blend in. They’re competent, reliable, polished. The ones everyone depends on.

And quietly, they’re barely holding it together.

In this solo follow-up episode, Tonya Kubo reflects on her recent conversation with Rachel Alexandria to explore the hidden cost of being the strong friend, the capable leader, the one who never seems to need help.

This episode is for the high performers who carry what Rachel calls “secret messes”—the overwhelm, anxiety, and emotional labor hidden behind competence and credibility. Tonya unpacks the difference between having it together and holding it together, why competence often becomes armor, and how looking fine can train people not to check on you.

If you’ve ever been praised for being “so put together” while quietly falling apart, this one is for you.

You’ll hear how:

1. Holding it together often looks exactly like having it together—until it doesn’t
2. Competence can become a coping mechanism, not a sign of stability
3. High performers are often invisible inside their own excellence
4. Hyper-responsibility is learned early and rewarded later (at a cost)
5. The strong friend rarely asks for help—and why that’s not a character flaw
6. You don’t have to collapse to deserve care
7. Making yourself easy to say no to can help others feel safe saying yes
8. One honest sentence can open the door to real support

1. 0:00 – 3:10 Holding it together vs. actually being okay
2. 3:11 – 6:45 The curse of competence and hiding in plain sight
3. 6:46 – 10:30 Why the “responsible one” rarely gets checked on
4. 10:31 – 14:50 Competence as armor, not stability
5. 14:51 – 19:20 Hyper-responsibility and growing up in emotional chaos
6. 19:21 – 23:40 Why strong friends wait for someone to notice (and why it rarely happens)
7. 23:41 – 27:30 “I need help” even when you don’t know what that help is
8. 27:31 – 32:10 Being easy to say no to as a path to real connection
9. 32:11 – 36:45 Gentle check-ins vs. pressure, pity, and forced intimacy
10. 36:46 – 41:00 You don’t have to fall apart to deserve support
11. 41:01 – 45:30 A simple practice for strong friends—and for the people who love them

1. Episode 14: The Freaks Who Look Fine with Rachel Alexandria
2. Lonely at the Top — Rachel’s podcast
3. RachelAlexandria.com

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

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Tonya talks with Jeff Yoshimi, a professor at University of California, Merced whose work spans philosophy, cognitive science, and neural networks. His book, Gaming Cancer, invites us to ask what becomes possible when we stop compartmentalizing who we are and let our whole selves lead the way.