“How Patty Met Kandi”

A flashback episode,season 1

Veronica Moises is an extremely attractive young starlett, known in entertainment for her sexually aggressive attitude, especially towards men of power–after turning her down, Veronica fires back from being rejected by planting a seed in Katie's mind, suggesting that she ‘the camera man caught us” and urgent her to check the tapes–however, without the audio, as the microphones were off, Catherine mistakes Veronica and Patrick's gestures as infidelity, and after Patrick returns home, Catherine, in a wine-fueled and drunken rage, ejects Patrick from their home, and as he is captured upon the townhome's doorstep, stil scolded by Katherine (Catherine?) *check notes*,

Well, he does call her Katie, right?

Right.

So it must have been Katherina

It was actually Katherina, and was changed to Katherine

But couldn't Katherine have changed, then, to Catherine?

DOES IT MATTER?

YES. She's a very important character, we almost actually can sympathize with this person.

For WHAT? She's listed as an antagonist in the first season.

SECONDARY Antagonist, cause that other lady.

Who, Karen?

Her name isn't Karen, she's just A Karen…

What is her name?

Idk.

And how does Esha go from receptionist–

Secretary.

Whatever. How did this bitch go from working at Starbucks to hosting her own Television series.

Since when did she work at Starbucks?!

I don't know! I haven't written that part, yet!

FUCK

FUCK.

FUCK!

I thought for sure Goldberg would pull us out of this.

Doctor Goldberg! Doctor Goldberg!

WHAT! I'm BUSY.

My Proctor…

What, Ishii?

You must see…

Fuck.

Fuck. If i write this I'm dead.

Take my hand–

Fuck that.

If I don't write this, i'm dead.

FFUCK!

Two F's on that.

It's a sharp fuck

FUCK.

Then what's that?

That's a hard fuck.

What's the difference?

FUCK, man!

*shrugs*

Somethin'.

Episode Summary:

–Patrick's daughter watches in awe from the bottom window of their townhome, though she is supposed to be sleeping, more than likely the cause of his spiral than actually being thrown out of his home–the eyes of his daughter watching he and Katherine

Are we sticking with Katherina, then?

Katherine.

Whatever, yeah.

Alright. Fine.

–argue sets him off into his own drunken rampage, as he rents an opulent suite and for the first time in his life, hires a companion to accompany his drug-fueled backhanded

google , synonyms for revenge….

Requital or Retribution?

I like Requital, but let's see what best suits Patrick's rampage.

This dude is a bleeding heart.

Or half of one, at best.

We like Patrick.

No, we love Patrick.

Everyone does.

Too close for comfort,

And too far to talk

I fed my soul instead of burning my body for once

A luck of the draw,

A call of the cards,

Is the ace of wands

It's Wednesday,

But feels like Sunday

Run, would you, offhand for someone

Not only do I not qualify, but

Alright, I have no alibi.

I lied.

I died that night.

Finally, a truce.

What would you like, Ivy?

Hmm

Buy me a motorcycle.

A motorcycle, really?

Yes, i'd like that.

Really? What kind?

A fast one! like – A kawasaki.

OWW–

Shut up, Frank.

Alright.

WHo the FUCK is FRANK.

Yo, I fucked hobo Johnson in a bathroom stall at some festival in my dream once, and that guy was like an adonis.

You what.

But let's be fair, i've fucked deadmau5 way more times both sleeping and in my waking life, than anybody–and that includes the father of my children.

Explain to me this part.

Which part.

Alright, i'm calling it off.

THe engagement?

No, the stipulations surrounding the engagement.

WHO'S DRIVING THIS?

IT'S IN AUTOPILOT.

Sir, i've lost control.

That's what you think.

PATRICK:

KATIE, WAIT.

KATHERINE:

KATHERINA?

NO, it'S KATHERINE.

PERIOT.

BEFORE:

WHOOPI GOLDBERG

I'm a “mimick”

Not with those hands, she isn't!

How many talismans is that?

Looks like

FACTS:

That's a magician!

Good cover, though.

WOAH, WOAH, WOAH.

Not yet, Joe. Not yet.

“The New YOrkisode”

CUT BACK TO: [THE TV PEOPLE]

PATRICK:

KATIE! WAIT–

[KATHERINE slams the door]

PATRICK (CONT'D)

KATIE!

[KATHERINE CONTINUES YELLING FROM THE PARLOR (UPSTAIRS WINDOW)]

Lol that is some New York-y shit–

Yelling out the window

Yeah, if you're in a neighborhood that doesn't have bars on the window

Or like–

This fancy ass shit, right here

Yeah, my luxury apartment with paper thin walls and paper mache exterior made so cost effectively that the traffic alone gives me whatever disgusting trash disease is plaguing the rest of this city's inhabitants.

[I haven't made my bed for like 3 days straight and my room is not clean. This is bizarre to me, besides the fact that I'm basically still writing as if I might actually find gainful employment with this–

Creativity, is it?

I'm pretty sure at this point, it's just divinity, all of which will be

[SKYROCKETED TO LITERAL FAME BY MEANS OF A VERY IMAGINARY, METAPHORICAL KITE]

Devastating to kill myself without seeing any of this stuff actually published.

HOW DO I EMBED MY SUICIDE LETTER ONTO MY WEBPAGE.

Excuse me.

IS THAT INCLUDED IN MY FREE TRIAL?!

ELOHIM

Oh, my God.

Which Elohim? The singer or–

GOD ALMIGHTY

AH, MY GOD.

Tell the one about the wedding ring.

*lols infinitely*

KATHERINE:

Your kids are sleeping. Try not to wake them up!

PATRICK:

They're our kids…

KATHERINE:

That's what you think…

Technically, this line doesn't make sense, and Katherine is simply trying to be flippant, however, she does, as often so, get the last words–as Patrick spots his eldest (read: favorite) child, poking her head out from below, where however her mother cannot see her, but Patrick can, and is clearly made ashamed of his presence, locked out and on the doorstep of his own home, leaving afterward in a calm and disgraced rage, as not to further disturb his daughter; this initial occurrence can, at the very least for the audience be seen as Hazel's reason for such obstinate aggression and rebellion towards her mother, especially as the series progresses.

Patrick then lashes out against Veronica, ultimately swearing to have her blacklisted from the entertainment industry, to which her egotistic response only allows Patrick's more deviant shadow to become awakened, his response something along the lines of…

Wait, what was that conversation?

Something like

PATRICK

You'll never work in this town again.

VERONICA

Well, lucky for me, I'm more fond of the Hollywood life.

PATRICK

You think my reach doesn't extend across the country since its on the only arm that hasn't been up your ass?

yeah , something like that–but i've got classic deadmau5 on trying to soothe my way into filling out my divorce papers for hopefuly the last time–but we'll see how far I get– and I'll be lucky to be divorced before being stuck in that bullshit causes a forfiture to my own life by suicide–but i'd be damned if everything I'd ever written automatically belonged by half to my only living son's father, and perhaps I had become the devil and the only real villain if it meant being so selfish as such that I would rather leave my son nothing at all in the event of my death, than have anything more I'd created end up in his father's clutches. I would rather die alone than return to the hands by which I died and crumbled.

Patrick's an asshole.

Yes. But not a wifebeater.

Correct.

‘Tis true.

Shall we?

We shall.

“The Oldest Souls In New York”

Now, Go:

I don't have a heart, I have a fist, and a gun

I don't have the dirt,

But a shovel and a bird

I don't have to look but once, to know

Two times, twice,

Three times,

It's done

My soul is older,

But I want to know you,

Sit on your show

Just across from this

Donovan, dove

or Jack Doughnogy,

Lick me a doughnut

So awful, my last action

Is Jack Canon

On James Cameron

And

Poor little Nancy

Who never was

Poverty stricken at all

Or a poet

The blow was so low below the belt

I had hoped not to bury the hatchet

or merry the knot

or tie the astronaut to the dog,

Click, click motherfucker

I'm onto all of you

Hello,

You ugly motherfucker

I'm an ugly motherfucker

Getting older by the moment

SENATOR

Hello, is this Fallon?

No, this is Patick.

Strawberry Patches and management

Haven't you had enough of the good stuff?

A starburst, Ali, is all that I wanted
All you wanted was done

All i wanted was

Aliocha back

Now Alidoja runs ghost;

If i put this all out, it's a pulitzer,

Tony,

And Oscar

All in the same award show

Another old and lost broken soul in New York

I love God

But fuck money

I lost a lot more than one,

Just a dollar

MANAGER

I got you an interview on Fallon.

SUNNI BLU

I'm not doin' Fallon. That dude is weird.

MANAGER

You're doing it. IT's PR for your next album.

SUNNI BLU

Whateva.

MANAGER

By the way–Have you picked a title yet?

SUNNI BLU

Yeah, I'm The President.

MANAGER

No, I mean–for the album.

SUNNI BLU

Oh yeah. It's NIGGAZ.

MANAGER (kind of afraid)

–Where?!

SUNNI BLU

Oh yeah, my friends are comin over later, too. Hehe. you racist basta'd.

MANAGER

I mean wait. What?

SUNNI BLU

That's the album title: It's NIGGAZ.

MANAGER

You chose the name

SUNNI BLU

Watch it…

MANAGER

(using heavy quotes)

Hold on, i got something in my throat that's almost vomit,

But i'm gonna ball it up into a love note or poetic whatever or something so i don't hurl

All you are is a punching bag,

and a bullet wound waiting to happen

I'm at least half of a man,

If I dress up in drag,

Despise all I can't have

And wind up cleaning bathrooms

Rather than wining and dining

Drying the eyes that I cried for you

Some ungodly reason, if it's

Some Unholy war that got us

All up in shambles

Your name upon Dollars

I'm closing my curtains

Curtailing my words rather carefully

Looking in mirrors, aware of you

Beware of this woman

Aware of the wolf

If the world that you wanted

Was so far from what's wanted

I might as well jump

From the stop sign

I bought

At the Art walk.

That should do it.

Man, fuck Jimmy Fallon.

I can't! My hands are tied!

That's – not what I meant.

FOOTBALL (EN ESPANOL)

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLL

GOAT:

I'm Skrillex.

lol celebrities.

Everyone is perfect, and huge

Well, the women are tiny

But also some are huge–

And still tiny.

But more on the atrocious expectations of man later

And why my God apparently fucking hates me so much

That my body might not ever see the sun.

What in the fuck does Skrillex even DO on the red carpet?

Isn't that dude like 4'11?

Does he just show up and have to look up at everybody, like

“Hey”

Or do they run it like elementary school,

Shortest to tallest

ok:

Sonny, you go first

Then all the pop stars and disney kids…

Wait, those are the same people

Hold up.

There's only like 20 names on the A list

And like 5 of them Rotate.

What's that like?

Nobody remembers you

like 5 seconds after your first Grammy–

I guess that's like “15 minutes”

Or Nobody can ever forget you,

Cause you're Billie Ellish,

Or Taylor Swift,

And literally every other grammy award ever made is like

Made specifically, just for you.

What's that like?

What's that world?

Meanwhile i'm over here wondering what the fuck kind of favor Jimmy Fallon put in with the Heavens

To get this many entries in The Festival Project™

(Almost as much as Skrillex)

Almost,

But not

FUck dude, I just want to try that trifruit jam I made on the organic sourdough bread I have, but I haven't been to the gym today– and I'm teetering on rest day, or just getting it in super hard until I still die of sexual starvation anyway, cause–

How the fuck do you be that tall anyway?

What the fuck is “5'11?”

WHY are you that TALL?

WHAT do you DO up there?

What are you doing up there?!

WHAT'S up there to SEE.

Meanwhile, i'm like

5'7 masquerading as 5'4

Cause, you know–

Skrillex.

Meanwhile,

I'm reading Russell Brand's Booky Wookie

And it might as well just be

Every male celebrity's bookie wookie

Cause who wouldn't go out and et the maximum amount of pussy with like

Umpteen million fucking dollars?!

Am i right, or am I just

DYing of celibacy?

“Jimmy Fallon's Alibi”

And other short stories

By

Story Lord

As Told By

CCS Stone

“The Scribe of all Times”

They say you had a show today at 14th street.

Couldn't have been me!

I was out—

Uh—

Sick.

Can't find him anywhere.

He's gone.

GONE.

Look, I'm just gonna

Hover here, for a second.

Goddammit, Jimmy Fallon!

Fallon, you idiot.

Come with me.

No:

Don't say that.

I need new interns!

Why!

Make sure they're—

Like— guys.

(Guys being guys)

Ugh. Okay. Look—

Just make them—

Like—more mature?

Smarter?

I don't know

{older guys being older guys)

Ugh.

You're losing at this.

I know. I can feel it.

WHERES JIMMY FALLON

I DKNT MNOW

JUST KILL HIM.

Look, he's probably.

Found him.

Are you sure?

What tipped you off?

The horribly awesome bad Australian accent

Fuck this nigga up.

WHERE IS IT

AND WE'RE ON IN 5…

Mfuck man. I don't know how the fuck to be Iimmy Fallon!

(Yes you do)

Just—

Do an impression!

Of WHO

Of Jimmy Fallon!

Uhhhhhhhh—-

I'm so fucking dead for this.

Can it, would you.

OKOKOKIHATETHISFUCKINGPIECEOFSHITJOB—

CHAOSMAGICK.

Aww. I love your mom.

She's awesome.

Here's some snacks.

Awww.

Yay. Moms.

Yay.

She's awesome.

Sometimes.

But uhh—who's your dad.

*ploof*

PILLOW FIIIIIIIIGHTTTT!

*shoots with a tranq dart*

Nice.

Ahahaha… *drinks harder*

Haha…

*falls onto bean bag chair, sleeps*

…hasaahhh.

Holy shit.

Okay idk what the fuck—

This can't be accurate, or anything, is it?

It is…it's…extremely accurate.

Okay, Jimmy Fallon

Okay, God—

Your Wikipedia just told me everything I needed to know.

You can thank my wife

I did. I read her page first.

And the Grammy award goes to..

*plz let it be me*

NOT. You

Wait…

I can…

I just realized

This goes in the COMEDY category.

Oh, fucking —SHIT.

This is fucked up.

This—is accurate.

Look, I've been praying a lot about this

I guess so much that

Jimmy

What's up.

I knew everything on your Wikipedia page about you before I even read it,

Which must mean—

OH FUCK. I've got to get out of here.

The Illuminati offered me like

1 million dollars to wreck your marriage

And I said no, but

I love you anyway—

And your family,

So—

Whatever,

Hope it works out.

There should be some crazy fine ass hoes and cumsluts on approach if that's like—

What you wanted, or whatever.

Please GOD—

Just make it STOP!

FUCK THIS JIMMY FALLON MOTHERFUCKER

JUST GET HIM WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS

WHATEVER HE WANTS, just

GIVE IT TO HIM.

PLEASE.

Jesus CHRIST.

“Yeshua”

Huh.

What.

Oh, that shut you up, didn't it?

What happened?

Okay, so there's the impenetrable ten—

Alright alright

Apparently these 5 dudes

[5 GUYS]

I TOLD YOU IT WAS

SHH. Be quiet.

K

It's like

Breakfasts in bed stuff

And back rubs

And

Bathtubs

Long getaways on islands

Where

I'm sure nobody knows us

And I hope it holds up,

Cause I couldn't hold off

Somewhere I'm still homeless

And lost as I always was but

Hey,

That's music

Someone must be

Something somewhere

Something something

I'm sure of it,

I'm sure I was

— one of her muses?

Look, just use this for music.

Well, he…is amusing.

He's obnoxious.

This is a toxic relationship.

Do you want this?

Do you really want this again?

Right now all I want is some drugs

And a boyfriend who loves me

I don't do husbands

For nothing

My trust is all fucked up

And plus

GYM JIMMY FALLON

I don't do black girls.

I hate them.

Noted.

Anyway.

My times up.

Want this job?

Uhh?

[insert inflammatory drunkenly racist rant here]

Fuck this dude.

Okay, woah.

Okay—

See ya in New York.

WhT.

The Mafia is coming.

Don't you mean the mob?

Go…fuck yourself.

It—Woah. Okay.

T. Hanks

Here's a dollar.

Oh shit:

Tacos

$1

Lights on

I told you

It's gonna be a long night, hon.

You might want to run more

I don't though.

Alright, so just

Run for cover

Adjust,

And don't be so remarkable

As to summon up

Another God

To your Alter

So Justin Timberlake is your friend, huh

Oh those eyes

That's so—

Blinding

Well, that sucks, cause

Britney Spears is my best friend

And my worst nightmare

Like

Everything I wanted to

And should have been

Beautiful, scrawny,

Talented and gorgeous

And yet somehow also

Obnoxiously burdened

By so much being wanted

That now I'm just washed up

And wasted by sunup

To sundown

Now how's that sound?

H—inin..

Hi

See,

[Redacted]'s wife

Controls all our lives

His life and mine;

His for the better, however

And mine for the worse, I fear

For better or worse, they said

Year after year

For better or worse, they said

Year after year

I want a divorce, I said

I wouldn't hear it

The cycle of toxicity

Stops here with me

Hear ye!

Here ye!

Court is now in session

Hear ye

Here he

Ii hope you learned your lesson

Here he

Here

Designer children,

—Do you want this?

Here ye—

I hear ye!

—Your soulmate is Skrillex.

Well, just like the rest of them

The oceans of oceans of

Ocean eyed blondes

That I also love

But this shit gets haunting

Like mm—

(daunting)

Why would he

Or anybody

Want me?

This apprenticeship isn't going to be easy, you know…

Break her heart, Jim!

Alright, Jim-Boy—you got this.

It already is hard, on my heart.

That's what I've been trying to tell you—-

This—

Will require you to love with boundlessness, beyond limitation—- unconditionally, with no expectation.

I already hadn't any expectations regarding [Redacted] . Besides— he's married.

—No expectations whatsoever.

I've noticed your nonconformity and intention to mass appeal, actually.

I'm astonished, really.

I'm telling you, this is a dangerous man.

—my God, just beautiful.

A weaponized person, you see.

I do see.

Weaponized by beauty.

He's just beautiful.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

What wouldn't you do?

—What did you do, actually?

—What didn't we?

We share a middle name,

and so we share a middle ground, I think

I found—

Something I can't have,

But want

Distractions,

This one has it all.

Go that way!

It appears, however, though,

My focus is here, suddenly.

Why.

I don't know.

Are you in any way miserable, at all, sire?

(They're all miserable, when they get to me, actually.)

I need peace with this.

Dearly beloved,

We are dearly departed,

You started a war with my heart

Then put some water on it

Sons and daughters of the alter,

Father figures and celebrities,

We are gathered here today,

To finally rest in peace,

Posthumously

Amen

Amen.

You may be seated.

Father!

My child.

Please!

What is it?

Come quickly!

Oh shit, what the fuck.

Shhh! Not in the church!

It's not a real church! They're just Catholics.

SHHHH.

Come on:

What the fuck Jimmy Fallon is this.

You know, I've got them all gathered up here,

At your alter.

pew-pew-pew

Haha, get it.

Very funny, God

Look, you got this.

Not now, imagination.

I don't have time for this.

I gotta get rid of all this Jimmy Fallon before…

I'm gonna kill that kid.

Fuck, man.

Well, you started it—

You know we're at war, here,

We're at work here

With each other and ourselves

The Hell comes from

Stardust above us

Neither or nor

Forever or awkward

The charm that undoes,

Then

Comes up as

The Impossible

Sweet and sour

Patches and pick up,

Lick up your weapons,

And kick out your husbands, kids!

God the Judge has come

Once and for all,

To the pulpit

Will she kill herself again?

Or finally publish

[The Festival Project ™]

“The Fallon Files”

Is an extention of the infinite Skrillifiles, most notably due to its conjunction within the enter the multiverse and legends franchises, as the infinite multiverses begin to more consistently intersect eith one another, creating continuity within the plots of each series respectively, and collectively combining eventually into a singularity in which the fictional SKRILLEX and the fictitious JIMMY FALLON, both established as extremely gifted extraterrestrial shapeshifters, possibly even of some, if even distant relation, due to their shared aviary hereditary ancestry and notable presence in the shared collective consciousness pre existence, which extends throughout the duration of the Ascension series, and appearing within nearly every subsidiary in some way shape or form within each series, playing either protagonists, or sometimes even exaggerated antagonists, caricatures of each other or themselves, or sometimes even playing themselves, and therefore one another, creating a soft of chaotic confusion

Lol— I'm typing this with one finger cause I have a palm full of shea butter in my hand.

Lol.

—amongst the audience, and other characters—almost invariably and distinctly being as undetectably as possible, one another, at some point/- reflectively at any given time within the series.

Line?

Nothing, you're just a bird right now, actually, Jimmy.

—looking like Jimmy?

Yes, but

[Aviary behavior]

—but maybe “Skrillex?”

Up to you, actually.

[The Appraisal of the Shapeshifted Ascended Mastery, Transcended, INC. ]

And alternate titles…

The Jimmy Fallon Effect

The Unrequittance of Jimmy Fallon

The Jimmy Fallon Disaster

{Enter The Multiverse}

[The Festival Project.™]

COPYRIGHT © THE FESTIVAL PROJECT 2019-2024 | THE COMPLEX COLLECTIVE. ©

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ©

-Ū.