The Fully Lived Life

056 - Forgiving Yourself


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Welcome to The Fully Lived Life podcast! A podcast for those who are longing to pursue the full life and want to break free from anything that holds them back. Listen in as two friends - a psychologist, Dr. Merry, and a life coach, Gillian - talk about life, love, and purpose - with wisdom, humor, and transparency -  through the lens of science, psychology, and faith.

Are you stuck in a place where you are full of regret or self-loathing about an area of your life? Perhaps you are stuck in a place of unforgiveness towards yourself.

The steps to pursue self-forgiveness (Dr. Fred Luskin):

  1. Categorize the offense - have we hurt someone, hurt ourselves through self-destructive behaviour, not do/say something we should have, etc.
  2. Know how we feel - articulate the specific wrong and the harm it has caused.
  3. Understand what you want - how will forgiving yourself play out?
  4. Have realistic expectations - perhaps you want to be reconciled to the person you harmed but that is not reasonable.
  5. Identify the hurt
  6. STOP - hit the stop button on keeping ourselves in the loop of unforgiveness.
  7. Apologize to the harmed party.
  8. Practice PERT - see the therapeutic response.
  9. Replace with gratitude - see Life Coaching response.
  10. Therapeutic Response: Practice PERT (Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique)

    When you find yourself going into that loop, take 45 seconds:

    Close your eyes, take a deep breath, slowly exhale and repeat

    On the third breath focus on a place of beauty, a forest, a lake, a sunset, etc.

    If you have apologized, remind yourself I have apologized and owned that.

    Life Coaching Response: Replace guilt with gratitude.

    Practicing gratitude gives our minds and our bodies a break from all the shame and guilt by replacing them with gratitude.

    It helps to have a quote,  a verse that you can repeat when the guilt and shame comes up. E.g., “There is now no condemnation..” Romans 8:1. So now the case is closed  There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in union with Jesus.

    Links:

    Dr. Merry’s book: https://amzn.to/2rCrJyI

    Dr. Merry’s website: https://drmerry.com

    Dr. Lin & Associates: http://drlinandassociates.com

    Gillian’s Website: https://gillianmcshane.com

    Dr. Fred Luskin: https://amzn.to/3tHJJTt

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    The Fully Lived LifeBy Dr. Merry and Coach Gillian

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