Donald Trump became the first sitting president to attend an NBA Finals game—and the first to be booed for an entire half—while Ted Cruz lambasted Democrats for supporting Graham Platner, their racist and misogynistic Maine senate candidate. (That’s like the pot calling the kettle Trump.)

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Donald Trump’s $1.8 billion weaponization fund to pay January 6 rioters reparations has been abandoned thanks to Republicans who want to use the money more wisely (like preventing Democrats from voting) while Trump says negotiations with Iran are boring and doesn’t care if they’re over. (Now THAT’s leadership!)

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Donald Trump is cancelling America’s 250th birthday concert after many performers bailed because the event is really a MAGA rally (now THERE’s a surprise) while a federal judge ruled that Trump’s rebranding the Kennedy Center in his own name is illegal. (Does Trump ever do anything that’s LEGAL?)

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Donald Trump swung a deal with the IRS, which will no longer pursue any claims it may have against him and his family (that seems fair) while Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy extolled the virtues of a road trip he took with his family for a TV series. (That’s because he didn’t have to pay for gas.)

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Senator Bill Cassidy lost his primary and Lindsey Graham was ecstatic because Cassidy voted to impeach Donald Trump for January 6 (how unpatriotic of Cassidy) while the DOJ has agreed to give Trump a $1.8 billion anti-weaponization fund to pay reparations to those weaponized by Joe Biden. (What could go wrong?)

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Asked if rising inflation and skyrocketing gas prices was a motivation for him to end the Iran war, Donald Trump said Americans’ financial struggles never crossed his mind (there’s a shocker). He then called media reports that Iran was doing well against the U.S. military treasonous. (He misspelled truthful.)

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U.S. forces exchanged drone, missile, and gun fire with Iranian vessels in the Persian Gulf, yet Donald Trump insists the ceasefire is holding—paging George Orwell!—while the Trump administration released thousands of never-before-seen files on UFOs. (Unless the aliens on those UFOs visited Epstein Island, no one gives a rat’s ass.)

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The White House called “Star Wars” actor Mark Hamill a sick individual for sharing a social media post depicting an image of Donald Trump lying in a grave (but Trump posting an image of himself as Jesus is NOT sick) while Trump claimed peace with Iran is just around the corner (along with $2.00 a gallon gas).

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James Comey was indicted for posting a photo of seashells spelling 86 47, which Donald Trump said was clearly a death threat (this from a guy who boasts about being able to identify a farm animal). Meanwhile, Trump talked to a group of kids about the importance of physical fitness. (The kids laughed so hard milk came out of their noses.)

Lori Chavez-DeRemer resigned her position as secretary of labor for having an affair with a subordinate and drinking alcohol on the job (only the best people) while the Trump administration reclassified medical marijuana as a less dangerous drug (and reclassified fried foods as less dangerous than vegetables).

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