There’s a thief on campus! He’s snatching the most unsavory of steals…undergarments. Host Melody’s invited the #1 suspect to the show for an impromptu interrogation, sans actual interrogation room.

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and I have bad news to report: there’s a thief on campus. And this thief doesn’t steal just anything. He steals women’s underwear. Yes, our campus thief is a pervert.

If you’re a guy, you might be wondering why this is such a big deal. Well, first of all, all types of theft are bad. We’re having items taken from us without our permission. But secondly, it’s a violation. These are personal garments that are not meant to be shared with others. Who knows what kind of sick stuff the thief is doing with the stolen goods?

I’m lucky enough to not have yet been a target of this criminal, but I will stand with my fellow Manticores to help him get caught. This type of behavior is simply inexcusable. I will let all of you in on a secret, however. I have a lead on who the thief may be and have invited him to be my guest on today’s show. My hope is to get a confession out of him.

He has yet to shown up in our office, however, so I’ll give some responses to chat room questions and concerns first.

Sara Kozlov says she’s more upset about the value of her stolen goods than the invasion of privacy. While I think the privacy violation is worse, she brings up a good point. These clothing articles can cost a lot of money. More than a guy might expect. My bra, for example, cost $50. If someone stole it, not only would I feel violated, but I’d be out $50. I agree with Sara that whomever is found responsible should be ordered to pay for the cost of the missing items. Sure, he can return them, but who would want to use them after whatever he’s done to them?

Oh, and before anyone wants to complain about my use of the word “he”, I’m not making my guess of the perp’s gender solely based on sexist notions. Basically, I’m pretty sure my guest today is the thief, and he’s a he, so that’s why I’m using that pronoun. It’s definitely possible for a woman to go around stealing lady’s underwear, but in this case, I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

Sydney’s online and she suggests maybe there isn’t a single thief, but imps causing mischief. She says she’s had many problems with imps bothering her recently and she wouldn’t be surprised if they were stealing things simply to cause trouble.

In some ways, that would be a relief. If I had my underwear stolen, I’d rather it be because of a prank than because some pervert wanting to use them to fulfill his sexual fantasies. Like I said, though, I think I know the person who’s behind this all, and he’s not an imp.

Mikael Ciro thinks I should withhold judgment until I’ve proven the person guilty. Fair enough, Mikael.

Oh, but now Mikael is saying it’s not fair to label someone a pervert just because they’re stealing women’s underwear. That, I don’t quite agree with. Perhaps the thief is just taking them to try to resell, but really, who would buy them? Well, except other perverts, but then we’re back to where we started.

Anyway, it looks like my guest has just arrived, so we’ll find out soon enough.

Welcome, Christian.

CHRISTIAN

Let’s cut to the chase, Melody. I know you just invited me here to show me your boobs.

MELODY

What? No. Of course not.

CHRISTIAN

No need to be coy. When I asked you a few weeks ago, you said you couldn’t show me because there aren’t any visuals in radio. Well, now I’m here in person, and I can see everything.

MELODY

I also said I don’t want to hear anymore about it.

CHRISTIAN

Yes, but you don’t need to hear. Just do.

MELODY

No. And stop looking at my chest.

CHRISTIAN

If you didn’t come here to show me your boobs, why am I here?

MELODY

I actually wanted to ask you about some of the thefts that have been happening on campus.

CHRISTIAN

What are you talking about?

MELODY

Someone on campus has been stealing women’s underwear.

CHRISTIAN

And what does that have to do with me?

MELODY

I want to know if you’re the one doing it.

CHRISTIAN

If by doing it, you mean doing sex, definitely. If you mean stealing things, definitely not.

MELODY

Really? Do you have an alibi for last night, when items went missing from the dorm rooms of three girls in the female dorm?

CHRISTIAN

What is this, an interrogation? What gives you the right to do this?

MELODY

If you’d like, I could recommend you be put in the interrogation room. Or you can prove your innocence here and be spared the experience.

CHRISTIAN

This isn’t fair. You’re totally slandering me.

MELODY

That’s only if the allegations are proven untrue.

CHRISTIAN

Well, they’re not true.

MELODY

Do you have proof?

CHRISTIAN

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

MELODY

This isn’t a court of law, Christian, and I’m not arresting you. You’re free to leave if you like, but know that will only confirm my suspicions.

CHRISTIAN

This is ridiculous. You’re ruining my reputation.

MELODY

Your reputation of being a womanizing, perverted satyr? No, I’m not ruining that. If anything, this conversation is reinforcing it.

CHRISTIAN

Look, just because I like the ladies doesn’t mean I’m a pervert.

MELODY

It does if you’re taking underwear without permission.

CHRISTIAN

Which is a total lie! Stop acting like I’m guilty.

MELODY

Christian, look at the side of your thigh.

No, the other one.

CHRISTIAN

This is…

MELODY

Women’s underwear. Stuck to the fur on your leg. Do you really want to keep pretending you had nothing to do with the thefts?

CHRISTIAN

Okay, look, maybe I took a few things. I’ll put them back. No harm done.

MELODY

How would you feel if someone took your underwear and returned it? Would you want to use it then?

CHRISTIAN

First of all, I’m a satyr. I don’t need to wear underwear. Secondly, yes, yes I would. That might even make it better.

MELODY

Gross. Well, there was harm done, and the administration will be the judge of your punishment.

CHRISTIAN

Come on, Melody. I can’t get another strike on my record.

MELODY

Another one?

CHRISTIAN

It doesn’t matter. It’s just…I didn’t mean any harm.

MELODY

Well, you caused some, and now you’ll have to pay the price. And that might be an actual price. Sara calculated that the costs of the missing garments – at least the ones reported – exceeds $300.

CHRISTIAN

If I pay that, can I keep the ones I have?

MELODY

It’s up to the school, but my guess is “no.” At least that’s what I hope it is.

CHRISTIAN

Please, Melody. Don’t tell them. I’ll give you the money if you don’t. Even more – $400.

MELODY

You realize we’re still on air, right?

CHRISTIAN

Oh, crap. Um…bye.

MELODY

Ladies and gentlemen and everyone else, Christian [redacted] just ran out of the studio. I’m not sure where he plans to go. The administration will catch him anywhere on campus and I doubt he’ll run away from school when the quarter’s almost over. The good news is that we know who the thief is now. It was kind of fun questioning him, actually. Maybe I should become a detective.

Anyway, that’s all for today. Until next time, Good night, Manticores.