Episode Notes
Have you ever overreacted in a moment and later thought, “Why did I respond like that?”
That is where this episode starts.
* Not with blame.
* Not with shame.
* Not with the idea that something is wrong with you.
More with the honest awareness that our reactions do not come from nowhere. We are not just “like this.” We were shaped. We observed. We copied. We survived. We adapted. Somewhere along the way, our nervous system, our environment, our family, our culture, our trauma, our workplace, or even our mentors taught us how to respond.
The real question is not only, “Why did I react that way?”
The deeper question is:
Who taught me to react that way?
In this episode of Off Topic but On Point, Dr. Janine Do Cabo, Odette de Beer, and Pastor Christo Pretorius unpack the difference between reacting automatically and responding intentionally. The conversation moves through inherited responses, triggers, emotional protection, learned behaviour, family patterns, parenting, marriage, leadership, sarcasm, defensiveness, performance, control, silence, humour, and the moments where we suddenly realise, “I do not want to respond like this anymore.”
And that moment matters.
* That moment is not failure.
* That moment is awareness.
* And awareness is where intentional change begins.
Your first reaction tells a story, but it does not have to write your future.
The episode opens with a very human question: have you ever reacted in a way that made you pause afterwards and ask yourself where that came from?
Pastor Christo shares a moment in leadership where an intense conversation with a manager suddenly reminded him of behaviour he had seen years before. In that moment, he recognised the pattern. He stopped the conversation, apologised, sat down, and chose to reframe the discussion. It was not just a reaction. It was a learned response showing up in real time.
That is the power of awareness. Sometimes you see yourself while you are reacting, and in that split second you get the chance to choose again.
Odette shares honestly about the younger version of herself that could go from zero to one hundred very quickly. During pregnancy, in a moment with her husband, she suddenly realised that this way of reacting was not something she wanted to carry into motherhood. She had to ask herself, “Is this how I want to respond with my children one day?”
That became the first layer of the conversation: many of our reactions are conditioned responses, not random personality traits.
We often say, “This is just how I am.”The better question is, “Is this who I want to keep becoming?”
It may be who you learned to be, but it does not have to be who you choose to remain.
Where Do Our Reactions Come From?
A major part of the episode looks at the origins of our reactions.
Some reactions are inherited from our families. We saw how conflict was handled. We saw whether people shouted, withdrew, controlled, ignored, performed, apologised, or never apologised. We learned whether crying was allowed, whether emotions were safe, whether mistakes were punished, and whether being excellent was the price of being accepted.
Some reactions come from our environment. The office, the church, the school, the community, the culture, and the country we grew up in all shape what we see as normal.
Odette speaks about collective conditioning and how moving to Australia made her realise how direct South Africans can be. What feels normal in one culture may feel harsh in another. We often only notice our conditioning when we step into a different environment.
Pastor Christo brings in the five senses and shares a story about his son eating lemon. He had taught his son that lemon tasted good, so when someone expected the child to pull a face, he simply smiled. The point was simple but powerful: children mimic what they see, hear, taste, smell, and feel. They are not only listening to what we say. They are absorbing how we respond.
That is why this conversation matters so deeply. Our reactions are not only about us. They become the blueprint the people around us may inherit.
As Janine reflects in the episode, our children are watching how we deal with trauma, stress, financial pressure, conflict, disappointment, and people. They are inheriting some of our responses.
That awareness should not crush us. It should wake us up.
You are not only reacting. You may be teaching someone else how to respond.
Mentors, Manners, and Mayhem
One of the key summaries from the episode is that our reactions often come from three places:
* Mentors: the people we looked up to, copied, admired, or followed.
* Manners: the behaviours, etiquette, and habits we picked up over time because they were rewarded or accepted.
* Mayhem: the trauma, pressure, pain, instability, and hard seasons that shaped the way we learned to protect ourselves.
This is such an important insight. Not all learned responses come from obvious trauma. Some came from respected people. Some came from professional environments. Some came from family systems. Some came from survival. Some came from moments where we decided, consciously or unconsciously, “This is how I stay safe.”
Then life changes. The environment changes. The relationships change. The old response no longer fits the new person we are becoming.
That is when we need to ask:
* Does this response still serve me?
* Does it serve my family?
* Does it serve my future?
* Does it serve the room I am in now?
A response that once protected you can later restrict you.
Inherited Responses and Identity
Odette speaks openly about learning that performance meant acceptance. Excellence became part of how she understood love, value, and belonging. It served her for a while, until it became exhausting. If feedback touched her work, it felt like it was touching her identity.
That is one of the strongest parts of the episode.
Many of us are not reacting to what is happening right now. We are reacting to what the moment touches inside of us.
If correction feels like rejection, the reaction will be bigger than the conversation.If feedback feels like failure, the body will defend identity instead of receiving input.If interruption feels like being unheard, the person interrupting may receive a reaction that belongs to a much older wound.
This is where triggers enter the conversation.
A trigger is not only the event.A trigger is what the event touches.
Truth bomb: The interruption is not always the issue. Sometimes the old wound is the issue.
Pastor Christo also speaks about recognising parts of his parents in himself. Some things he once resisted, he has learned to embrace. Other things he still intentionally works to change. That is a mature way of looking at inherited responses. We do not have to reject everything we came from. We can choose what we carry forward and what no longer serves the future of our family.
Maturity is knowing what to honour, what to heal, and what to stop handing down.
Triggers: What Are You Actually Protecting?
The episode then moves into one of the most practical questions:
What is your reaction trying to protect?
* Anger may be protecting hurt.
* Sarcasm may be protecting pain.
* Silence may be protecting vulnerability.
* Control may be protecting fear.
* Humour may be protecting discomfort.
This is where the conversation becomes deeply useful.
A person may think, “I am just angry.”The better question is, “What did this touch?”
A person may think, “I am just sarcastic.”The better question is, “What am I trying not to say directly?”
A person may think, “I am just quiet.”The better question is, “Where did I learn that silence keeps me safe?”
Pastor Christo shares that his wife helped him see how defensive he had become. At first, his natural response was to say, “I am not defensive. I am just explaining my side.” Then he recognised that there had been a long season in his life where he constantly had to justify ideas, decisions, and execution. Defensiveness had become a learned protection.
Dr. Janine shares that sarcasm used to be her response to hurt. The sarcasm was not really about being funny. It was a signal that something had touched a painful place. That awareness created space to pause and choose differently.
That is the work.
* Not to shame the reaction.
* To read it.
* To understand it.
* To ask what it is protecting.
* Then to decide whether it still belongs in your future.
Your reaction may be the smoke. The wound is often the fire.
Why Do We Stay in Automatic Reactions?
The episode does not stop at awareness. It asks why people stay in these patterns.
Sometimes people do not change because they are not aware. You cannot change what you do not notice.
Sometimes ego keeps people in the same place. If I admit I reacted badly, I may have to admit I was wrong. So instead of changing, I justify.
Sometimes familiarity keeps us stuck. The reaction feels normal, even when it is unhealthy.
Sometimes speed keeps us stuck. We move into fight, flight, freeze, or defence so quickly that we repeat the same response before we have chosen anything.
Odette adds another powerful layer: sometimes people do not know how to respond differently. Awareness says, “This is not good.” Tools say, “Here is what I can do next.”
Then she adds the part people often do not want to hear: sometimes people stay in a response because it serves them. Victimhood may bring sympathy. Sarcasm may bring power. Control may create a sense of safety. Anger may keep people at a distance.
That is an uncomfortable truth, but it is necessary.
At some point, our learned behaviours become choices. We can no longer say, “This is just how I am,” when we have already seen the pattern and know it is hurting the future.
Once you become aware of the pattern, staying there becomes a choice.
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The Question That Changes Everything
Pastor Christo shares a question that deeply shaped him:
Is this what you want?
* Not, “Is this right?”
* Not, “Who is to blame?”
* Not, “Can I justify this?”
Just:
Is this what you want?
* Do you want to be tired all the time?
* Do you want to be frustrated all the time?
* Do you want to keep being defensive?
* Do you want to keep being sarcastic?
* Do you want to keep living as the victim?
* Do you want to keep reacting in a way that does not match who you say you want to become?
That question brings the conversation back to ownership.
Everyone has been hurt. Everyone has been angry. Everyone has been silent. Everyone has wanted control. Everyone has had moments where they reacted from pain.
The issue is not whether we have been there.
The issue is whether we are going to camp there.
Truth bomb: You may not have chosen what taught you the reaction, but you can choose whether it keeps leading you.
Practical Tools From the Episode
The episode gives listeners a practical way to move from automatic reaction to intentional response.
The first tool is to pause. Even five seconds can change the outcome. Before speaking, ask: what am I actually feeling? Is this about now, or is this about something from before?
The second tool is to name the trigger. I feel dismissed. I feel disrespected. I feel rejected. I feel ignored. I feel vulnerable. I feel out of control. Naming the trigger gives you power over it.
The third tool is to separate past from present. Ask yourself: is this person actually my past, or am I reacting to history? Is this the same environment, or does it only feel familiar?
The fourth tool is to choose a new script. This was one of the strongest practical takeaways from Odette and Janine’s conversation around Parenting Scripts. Instead of exploding, say, “Can you finish your thought?” Instead of shutting down, say, “I need a minute.” Instead of becoming sarcastic, say, “That hurt.” Instead of controlling everything, say, “I feel unsure, and I need to understand this better.”
The fifth tool is to evaluate afterwards. Not in shame. Not as self-punishment. Sit with the moment and ask: what did that situation touch inside of me? When have I felt this before? How did I respond this time? What would I like to do differently next time?
Odette also reminds listeners that new responses need to be practised. You cannot simply say, “I want to be different,” without deciding what different looks like. Athletes visualise success before they perform. In the same way, we can visualise and practise the person we want to become.
You cannot become a new version of yourself with an old script on repeat.
Key Questions for the You the Listener
* Who taught me to react this way?
* Where did I learn this response?
* Was it my family, my environment, my workplace, my culture, a trauma, or a survival season?
* Does this reaction still serve me?
* What is this reaction trying to protect?
* What do I feel first: anger, fear, shame, silence, sarcasm, control, or withdrawal?
* Is this about what is happening now, or am I reacting to something from before?
* What would the healed version of me do instead?
You are not crazy. You have a pattern.
And patterns can be noticed.Patterns can be questioned.Patterns can be rewritten.Patterns can be broken.
You may not be able to control the first feeling that comes up in your body. You can control the next move you make.
That is where intentionality begins.
Not in pretending you were never hurt.Not in blaming everyone who shaped you.Not in shaming yourself for how you survived.
It begins in the moment where you pause and say:
This may be how I learned to react, but this is not how I want to keep responding.
Our reactions tell a story, but they do not have to write our future.
If this episode made you think of a pattern in your own life, do not ignore that moment. Write it down. Sit with it. Ask yourself where it came from and whether it still serves the person you are becoming.
And if this conversation reminded you of someone else, share it with them. Not to accuse them. Not to diagnose them. To open a conversation that may help them respond differently too.
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