“Oh, that’s water under the bridge.” This is a statement some make who think you cannot change what has happened in the past. Is moving forward as simple as that? Hardly, but it is the approach some take when they don’t know what to do.

“Can we move past the past?” I am asked this question often in my work with couples. It’s complex. No easy answer here. In the end, it is really up to the people involved.

Can couples move past the past? The short answer is “yes”. I see it happen often. It requires a mutual effort. Not an easy task. Nonetheless, you must work at it together.

Most couples I know want to move past the past. It’s not an issue of “want to”, but “can do”. As you might imagine, I see a myriad of marital problems in couples counseling. Some marriages have complex problems. Therefore, some couples navigate their past more easily more easily than others.

Here’s three likely outcomes of dealing with the past.

* Couples remain hopelessly mired in the past together.

* Couples move past the past together.

* One person chooses to move past the past alone.

I wish I could say it is easy to move past the past. As you know, it’s not. But I can say it is worth it if you do. I see some couples end up with stronger relationships because they are forced to work harder and stop taking each other for granted. As painful as it may be working through the past, they are not defined by it. Instead, they collaborate on a new script for their marriage, something that is honest and caring.

If you are in a relationship that feels stuck by problems in your past let me offer 10 steps you can take to move past your past.

Step 1: Have the courage to face your past.

You cannot erase your past or bury it somewhere. It is a factual part of your history. If you try to suppress the past it will leak out in some other form. Feelings of hurt, betrayal, or resentment can manifest in unrelated areas.

Painful events in your history must be confronted if you want to move forward. It requires courage by both of you to do this. Your outlook on your marriage can improve as you work on this together.

Step 2: Own your part of the past.

Ownership is a critical component in resolving issues in the past. You must accept personal responsibility for your actions without blaming others. Not only this, but you need to articulate how your action(s) specifically hurt your spouse.

Step 3: Seek to understand the extent of harm from the perspective of your mate.

Here is where the relationship has the greatest potential of surviving the past. When the person whose actions inflicted harm treats the wound carefully. It’s not as simple as putting a bandaid over it. You have to ask questions of a physician. “Can you tell me where it hurts the most? To what degree is your pain?” The answers may be hard for you to hear, but you cannot follow the rest of the steps without this important information. Empathy for your spouse is critical at this juncture.

Step 4: Repair the wound to the best of your ability.

A simple “I’m sorry” statement is not enough. A confession includes being able to state an awareness of the extent of harm your actions caused. Healing is contingent upon your ability to address the problem from the perspective of your mate. In other words, your spouse needs to feel a sense of true remorse. Here is my 5 step plan to repair harm.

* Admit you are at fault.

* Accept responsibility for your actions without blaming others.

* Acknowledge how your actions specifically hurt your spouse.

* Ask for forgiveness.

* Agree that you will work on changing the behavior that caused harm.

Step 5: Allow time to heal the pain.

Wounds properly treated heal over time.