Isaiah 9:6 NIV“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

Many who follow me know I’m a spiritual guy. Christmas has deeper meaning. For Christians like myself, Christmas is a celebration of God’s living gift to us.

“For to us” is the tag on the present.

“From” is God.

The gift is “a child is born, a son is given.”

It’s a living gift.

I kinda like the idea of “living gifts”. I have a few suggestions on what you can give to your family.

The gift of presence—not presents

Try being mindfully present with those you love. Wouldn’t it be nice to slow down some? Why not cuddle with the family on the couch in your pjs with hot chocolate.

Here’s another way you can give your presence. Stop, focus and really showing an interest in what your spouse or kids are talking about. 

Your presence is felt by slowing down and listening intently.

The gift of peace

Some households are fraught with tension or conflict. Negative attitudes cause fights to break out.

“As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Wise words from the apostle Paul.

Disengage from conflict. Diffuse a potential argument by saying something like, “The holiday season is meant to bring us joy and peace. Let’s not ruin it. I’d like for us to try and get along today.”

The gift of forgiveness

The theme of forgiveness is woven into the Christmas story. God’s gift of his son is intended to bring forgiveness of sins and salvation.

Unforgiveness and resentment toward family members puts a chill in the holiday season. Be open to forgive an offense.

The gift of kindness

Get centered and get in touch with your kind heart. Imagine how you will express it to your family throughout the day. Set the tone by slowing down and doing thoughtful things for others. Give the gift of your kindness.

The gift of charity

Opportunities abound to help others in need. Homeless in the city. Hurting families in the community. People who have lost loved ones.

Charity can come in the form of donation of money. Charity can also be cooking a meal, buying gifts, giving warm clothes.

Now it’s your turn

Living gifts are the best. They come from the heart. It doesn’t cost you anything to give living gifts, except a little pride. Don’t wait for others before you give a living gift. God got the ball rolling so to speak by initiating the gift.

The Güdlife is Coming!

In January you will be the first to hear about a revolutionary relationship support community is launching in 2019. It’s going to do something many of my clients and subscribers have begged me to do. Imagine having all the support you need when you need it.

Get ready for less conflict and more of the Güdlife!

2018 has been a mixed bag in my marriage. We had some pretty cool things happen. Like our trip to Switzerland with my youngest son Jordan. But then we also experienced some pain. Two weeks before the trip my mom died.

Additionally, my wife Marian was dealing with chronic stress at work. Meanwhile I have been busy working on another business set to launch in January 2019.

We didn’t realize until recently how much of a toll these things were taking on our marriage. We weren’t in crisis by any stretch but a gradual distance was creeping in. I’d say there was less connection, and a little more conflict.

Eventually we talked about it. We opened up about how we were feeling and what was contributing to the disconnect. The consensus was, “we are better than this”. So, we decided to get back to the things we find works well for us.

Aren’t we better than this?

A common question in the minds of many couples fraught by frenetic activity that keeps them locked into the busyness of family life and often at odds with each other. They keep giving to everyone else and have little left for themselves or each other for that matter.

Bad habits can form quickly in marriage. Couples interact in passing. Short quick “hello” “goodbye”. Hardly time for a kiss or an embrace. Text has replaced talk. “I’m busy. You need something, text me.”

Marriage Malnutrition Epidemic

Couples on the go suffer from malnutrition. The marriage is not being fed. Not surprising why so many couples are “fed up” with each other. Needs are not being met.

I see this pattern a lot. It concerns me.

Couples lose interest in each other. Some prefer to go out with friends over each other.

Couples who do not connect regularly retreat to private places in the house where they can be alone, watch tv, engage in social media, or catch up on work.

Alone they may wonder, “What happened to us? Aren’t we better than this?”

You are better than this! Your marriage may not need a heart transplant. It probably needs some nutrition. Marian and I got better by feeding our relationship. All it took was a few simple gestures every day.

Here are 7 ways you can make your relationship better.

#1: Start by being nice to each other.

Malnourished couples lack basic kindness. It’s apparent in their interactions. The tone of voice is often negative or flat. Lacks positive sentiment.

They wait behind their well-constructed walls. Neither wants to make the first move.

If this describes your relationship, consider “waving a white flag” with each other. Remember you are allies, not adversaries.

Being nice begins with your disposition. Try being more positive and less negative. Be thoughtful.

Start by doing little nice things for each other. Small acts of kindness over the course of a week can ease tension and show good faith effort that you care about your spouse.

When you do, don’t draw attention to it. If your spouse doesn’t notice it or comment, don’t take it negatively. Do it out of the kindness of your heart, not to score points, or prove yourself.

#2: Try changing your tone when you talk.

Tone can make or break your message. Slow down. Don’t speak so fast. Think before you speak. Rehearse your words. Find your respectful voice. 

#3: Tune in when your mate is speaking to you.

Stop and focus on your spouse when spoken to. Mute the TV. Put your device down. Turn away from the computer screen. Take a deep breath, focus.

#4: Take an interest in what is going on in each other’s day.

It only takes a few minutes to check in with each other about what is going on in the day. An important client meeting? Pitching a proposal?

“We’re not in a good place and haven’t been for some time. My partner doesn’t want the relationship to end and is willing to work harder at it. Will it be enough for me to stay?”

Relationships suffer from a prolonged lack of attention. Despair morphs into disillusion.

Walls of self-protection are constructed slowly and methodically over years. Every disappointment, hurt, rejection, or betrayal is another brick to insulate the heart from future pain. Co-existing behind walls is not ideal, but for many it is functional. The family is intact but they keep each other at a distance.

Yet the absence of connection and the yearning to feel safe and loved remains a deep personal need for distant partners. Leaving is one way to break out of the fog of confusion. But is it the right choice?

“My partner wants doesn’t want to end the marriage. He or she wants to work on the relationship. I hear ownership, a commitment to change, an openness to do things differently.

Is it real? Will it last? And—will the outcome be enough for me to stay?”

These are 3 familiar questions I hear from couples contemplating restoring an unhappy marriage.

Friends, family, or co-workers may offer advice based on their own experiences. Some may be helpful especially when they help you look at it from both perspectives. Others can be jaded based upon personal experience.

Deciding to work on an unhappy marriage in the end, is up to you. Staying to give it a try will have some challenges. Leaving has challenges too.

So, my answer to the 3 questions is: “Some time will tell.” Notice I underscore some. Let me explain what I mean as you read on.

3 things need to happen during this time period.

#1: Honesty needs to happen

If change is going to be real you need to be honest with yourself and each other. You have to speak the truth to your partner about what has happened and how you feel.

Honesty will hurt. Especially when you are confronted with the truth about what you’ve done and how your partner feels in the relationship.

Let’s talk about ownership.

If you or your spouse cannot honestly own your faults without excuses then you might as well end the relationship now. Don’t delay the agony of staying together under false pretenses any longer.

Let’s talk about commitment to change.

You also need to be honest with yourself and your partner if you are committed to working on changing yourself. Are you doing this for yourself or to save the marriage?

If you’re doing it to save the marriage it is probably not going to last. It’s more like a short term solution to a long term problem, but you’re not getting to the core. If you are committed to change for yourself regardless of the outcome of your marriage, you will work harder and potentially  have lasting results.

People who are truly honest will put in the hard work and not give up even when faced with resistance. They prove their honesty in the early phase and throughout because they want permanent change.

By the way, if you can’t do the work because you’re tired and too much has happened, you need to be honest with yourself and your partner that it is over. It’s time to move on. Do not delay the inevitable. It will only make it harder.

#2: Openness to work together needs to happen

If your partner is out from behind the wall and making the effort, you can’t hide behind the wall waiting for proof. The act of stepping out from behind the wall is initial evidence. You will need to take a step outside your wall too.

Openness to work together requires some vulnerability on your part. You will have to give some consideration for a period of time tha...

If you are a regular subscriber to my blog, by now you learned my mother died peacefully in her sleep a week ago. I could not have scripted a better ending to a remarkable life.

My father died 24 years ago, so now I’m parentless. It feels empty. I miss my mom terribly. Fortunately, I am blessed with in-law parents who are so loving and gracious.

If you’ve lost a parent, I’m sure you identify with what I’m going through. My heartfelt condolences to readers currently grieving a loss.

My four siblings and I did a fairly good job walking with mom in the final chapter of her life. We met often to address mom’s health concerns and stepped in to give her support when her dependency needs increased. We wanted mom to remain the author of her story, but we were always present to give her input so she wasn’t alone facing her declining health.

This approach helped us process what was happening with grace and dignity. We had some amazing experiences along the way and moments of intimacy with mom that prepared us for what was coming. Nothing was left to do or say.

I spent the night with mom on Friday and the next morning, unbeknownst to me, was her final visit to the hairdresser. Getting her hair done was one of the few things left she could really enjoy. I watched Nancy, her stylist do the final tease on her hair and she looked so beautiful.

One the way home my mom said, “I hate been such a burden on my children.” I said, “Mom, you’re not a burden, you’re a blessing!”

I can honestly say we did well in caring for our mother in her final chapter of life. So let me leave you with 5 things you don’t want to do when faced with a parent who’s dying.

#1: Don’t avoid the inevitable

At some point in life you will face the inevitable reality that your parents will die. Unfortunately some face this as early as childhood, while most of us confront this reality in our adult life.

Dying is not something we find easy to accept when it comes to a family member. We know our parents as strong leaders, people we look up to and rely upon. But aging takes over, illness increases. Eventually, you confront the inevitable.

This is especially true when death is imminent. Don’t fear it or avoid it. Instead, face it with courage.

Talk about it with your siblings or people you trust. Share your worries and concerns. You can find support and guidance when you face the inevitable.

#2: Don’t wait too long to begin a conversation

As your parent ages you will see a gradual decline in independence. This is a very hard adjustment for a senior adult. Privately they fear increasing dependence and change in quality of life.

If you have siblings, it would be wise to have private conversations to address your concerns about your aging parent before you talk with him or her. Identify growing dependency needs. Highlight areas of independence your parent still exhibits.

Have a conversation with your parent about the aging process. Ask questions about what they notice about themselves. Afterward, share your observations and express your concerns.

#3: Don’t live with regret

There is a scene from the movie, “Meet Joe Black” where the main character, William Parrish knows he’s going to die that night. His daughter suspects but is not quite sure. He talks to her about living without regret.

William Parrish: I want you to know how much I love you, that you’ve given a meaning to my life that I had no right to expect, that no one can ever take from me.

Susan Parrish: Dad…

William Parrish: No! I love you so much.  And I want you to promise me something. I don’t want you to ever worry about me.

All couples encounter major problems from time-to-time. You are not going to get along 24/7.

Problems don’t disappear once you adjust. Expect occasional conflicts throughout married life. This is normal. Problems may be minor or major depending on the circumstances.

Most couples can manage to get through minor problems. All of us need help navigating our way through the major issues that flare up. 

One of the biggest traps I see couples get into is stockpiling their problems instead of resolving them. You definitely want to avoid this trap!

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#1 Focus on the problem, not the person

In conflict, a knee-jerk reaction is to focus on your spouse as the problem. A disagreement can flare quickly. Soon, the problem is not the problem. It is your partner’s view.

We can react to an opposing view by saying:

* “You’re absolutely wrong!”

* “You’re crazy!”

* “You don’t have a clue!”

* “I cannot believe you see it that way.”

Notice how the spouse is now the problem? Why? Because he or she doesn’t see things your way. Couples can quickly move into a power struggle over who is right and wrong. This back-n-forth interaction shifts attention from the problem to a person.

For example, take Jon and Kaylee.

Jon wants to get rid of his clunker and buy a new car. The couple did not factor a car payment into their budget. Kaylee thinks Jon’s idea won’t work financially and voices her opposition. Jon is upset with Kaylee’s response and the following argument ensues.

Jon – “I cannot believe you don’t agree with this idea. Do you expect me to drive this piece of junk forever? Whenever it comes to things I want, you’re not on board. It’s not fair Kaylee, I bend backwards to support what you want!”

Kaylee – “Jon you are so impulsive. How do you expect us to pay for a new car? Where do you think we are going to get the money? I can support an idea that makes sense. You keep coming up with these stupid ideas that don’t work. Sorry dude, I’m not on board.”

Notice how the conversation shifted from the problem (car purchase) to a person? Jon views Kaylee’s inflexibility as the problem and she sees Jon’s impulsivity as the issue at hand. They are quickly off topic.

To work through major problems you have to see your spouse as an ally, not an adversary. You may see differently on how to resolve a problem but to find a solution you cannot make it personal just because you disagree.

Let’s see how Jon and Kaylee would stay on topic by focusing on the issue of the car.

Jon: “I know we did not budget for a car and we may not afford it, but I think it is an important purchase.”

Kaylee: “True, it’s not in our budget so I cannot see how we can afford a new car. How do you propose we pay for it?” 

#2: Keep your emotions in check

Jon wants to feel supported. Kaylee wants to feel secure. If your spouse’s reaction to the problem triggers an emotion, it may intensify spontaneously and manifest in your response. This is what caused this couple to come off the rails so quickly.

So, how do you keep your emotions in check? Here are some tips:

* Take a few deep breaths from your diaphragm. 

* This will calm your physiological system (mind and body)

* Identify your emotion. 

* You might think right away that it’s anger. More often, anger is a secondary emotion. What’s underneath is primary. Jon may have felt dismissed. Kaylee may have felt pressured.

* Express your emotion with controlled intensity

* “I’m feeling a little pressured by your approach” i...

I see the pain of love everyday. Love hurts.

I’m experiencing it right now as the failing health of my mom is a stark reminder that I will not have her with me forever.

How can something that feels so powerfully good, feel so awful at times?

In Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, he lists “love and belonging” as a fundamental human need for survival. Loving and being loved is a basic human longing.

The most fulfilling life experience is to love and be loved. Love comes in various forms: familial love, friendship, romance, pets, etc…

Relationships have a beginning and an end.

Holding on feels so good.

Letting go hurts so bad.

The first jolt of pain hits most of us in our teenage years when we experience our first love. The inevitable reak-up really hurts.

Love hurts not just at the end, but along the journey too. For some, the hurt can exceed the happiness. For example:

* Disappointment – a pattern of negative behavior from someone you love hurts. Repeated broken promises is another disappointment that hurts.

* Faded love – falling in then falling out of love. While one feels love, the other finds it has faded away.

* Betrayal – from someone you love feels like a dagger in your heart.

* Unanticipated Endings – terminal illness, tragic accident

* Natural Endings – the natural course of ending after a life well lived.

The movie, Shadowlands portrays the story of author/professor, C.S. Lewis’ marriage to the American poet, Joy Gresham. Originally, the marriage was a transactional agreement to provide a pathway for Joy to secure citizenship in England. The couple eventually fell in love. Shortly thereafter Joy was diagnosed with a terminal illness that took her life.

Lewis, struggled with the concept of love because of the pain involved. Here is an excerpt from the movie.

Jack (C.S. Lewis): Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I’ve been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.

Joy Gresham: We can’t have the happiness of yesterday without the pain of today. That’s the deal.

The pain of love is inevitable. We cannot have the happiness of love without at some point, experiencing the pain.

How to Heal When Love Hurts

When the behavior of someone you love wounds your heart it hurts. One may wonder, “Can I survive this?” “How do I cope?” Knowing that some pain is inevitable, how does one heal? And–is it worth it to love again? Tough questions.

Here are 5 ways to heal when love hurts.

#1: Embrace the pain

Don’t try to suppress or avoid the emotional pain. You have to muster the courage to be present with your feelings.

Release the hurt. Express the emotion. Let the tears flow.

#2: Express your pain to a supportive person

Sometimes you will be all alone when the hurt surfaces. Remember #1.

You will also need a trusted person nearby to express your feelings when love hurts. A supportive person can offer you comfort, a shoulder to cry on.

You will not feel completely alone.

#3: Allow healing to take it’s natural course

You cannot fast track your feelings. Avoiding, suppressing, moving on, not thinking about it, is not a healthy approach. Your pain will leak out in ways that do not serve you well.

Take the pressure off yourself to get over it quickly. Nor should you go on mourning forever. If you follow steps 1 and 2, healing will likely follow a natural course.

When it comes to expectations about married life this is a question in the minds of most partners. “What do you expect from me?”

Have you asked this of each other? And—have you taken time to unpack your expectations about spending life together?

You might be surprised at how many couples don’t take sufficient time to tackle the myriad of questions surrounding marriage and raising a family. A mutual discussion about topics like:

* How do you envision your role in our marriage?

* What about the division of labor when it comes to responsibilities?

* Do you want kids? If so, how many? When do you want to start?

* How do you see us keeping our marriage a priority?

* What are your views about extended family relationships and how to blend our expectations about traditions, holidays, family get togethers, etc…

* What are you thoughts about how to manage finances?

If you want to get started on the right foot together then get into the habit of discussing expectations. Here’s why.

Talking about expectations is important in the beginning and throughout marriage

Marriage, like life, does not follow a linear path. While you may envision your marriage, life events will occur that you are unable to factor in right now. The vows you make when you get married prepare you for “good times and bad, in sickness and health, etc…”. 

Setting expectations together help you define how to live together. It also increases the probability that you will have what you want as a couple. Why? Because when you clarify your expectations, you will work hard together to achieve them.

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When new events happen, for example a job relocation, you will be able to navigate decisions more effectively because you have developed the skill of communicating your expectations with each other.

The list of expectation questions above is a good place to start if you haven’t already begun to talk together. Keep in mind that expectation conversations are important to have throughout married life. Needs change, thus expectations change as well. 

There are three types of expectations to address:

* Personal expectations – what I want you to know about me

* Relational expectations – how we will connect as a couple

* Transactional expectations – how we will function as a couple

Let’s take a closer look at these.

Personal expectations: what I want you to know about me

Do you know what you envision for your life? Not that you need to have it all figured out, but can you describe the larger brushstrokes?

Being clear with each other about who you are and what you want in life is very important. Why? Knowing what to expect about your mate’s personal interests and life ambitions help you know how to support each other. Furthermore, it will help guide couple decisions so that both of you can live fulfilling lives.

Couples who have ongoing conversations about personal expectations avoid future conflicts. They are more equipped to accommodate the aspirations each bring into the marriage. By doing this each partner feels respect and support.

Relational Expectations: how we will connect as a couple

What do you expect your marriage to look like? How will you be as a couple?

This gets into talking about your connection as a couple. Being clear with your partner about how to be toward each other is important.

A major problem with married couples is putting their relationship on the back burner after they start having kids. Unhealthy relational patterns quickly form and cause problems for the couple.

When it comes to couple communication, here’s a request I get a lot.

“Help us learn how to communicate right!”

Sadly, many of the couples asking the question have been married for several years!By then they developed some awful patterns of communicating. In this lesson, I will address these common mistakes so you can avoid them as you are starting out.

Did you know that the number one reason why couples seek counseling is because they do not know how to communicate? So, let’s look at the do’s and don’ts of couple communication.

#1: Don’t make assumptions about your spouse

Here are two major assumptions couples make that can derail communication quickly:

* My spouse should know what I need

* I know what my spouse is thinking

Let’s start with the first assumption: “If spouse loves me, he/she should know what I need..”

One major faux pas in couple communication is assuming your partner knows what you need when you need it. The mistaken belief is that couples in love are always tuned in at a deeper level. The reality is that your spouse is not going to be tuned into you 24/7.

Another major faux pas is when couples make assumptions about what each other is thinking without checking it out first. Acting on what you assume your partner is thinking is not a good strategy and often fuels conflict.

Now, let’s examine how to handle assumptions.

Do check-out assumptions with your spouse

Mind-reading rarely works. A more effective approach is to check-out your assumptions with your spouse. Here’s how it can work with the assumption: “My spouse should know what I need.”

Checking out assumption:“It’s been a rough day at work and I am overwhelmed with all the household work staring at me. Do you know what I need right now?”

If your partner doesn’t answer correctly you can say, “I could use a hug and a little help with the dishes.”

Clarifying your need and asking your spouse for support is a reasonable request. It is not a sign of weakness on your part. Nor is it a bad sign if your spouse doesn’t know what you need at the time. Throughout married life we are students of each other. Students learn and get better at anticipating needs, but early on we all have to be taught.

#2: Do not talk over your spouse

Talking over someone is a clear act of disrespect. You have something to say too, but if you interrupt your partner, the conversation may get off the rails. Next thing you know, your mate is talking over you and the interaction escalates.

Couples talk over each other for a variety of reasons:

* when they feel really excited about something and want to share it, but can’t wait for their partner to stop talking

* when they feel like the only way they can get a chance to speak is to interrupt 

* when they disagree with the facts of a story and feel the need to correct the narrative

* when they feel something negative coming from their partner. This is a knee-jerk reaction to defend oneself. 

Interrupting is rude and signals to your partner that you care more about your voice being heard than hers or his. Is this what you want?

Do listen with genuine interest

When you’re spouse is talking to you, show genuine interest. Stop what you’re doing, put down your device, and look her or him in the eye. This courteous act conveys respect.

Sometimes you might not like or agree with what your spouse is saying. The temptation to interrupt is strong. Don’t do it! You’ll get your turn to talk.

Hold back and let your partner finish talking. Slow down, be patient, and try to understand the gist of what he or she is trying to say. Doing this will help you both resolve the issue.

What is the one thing that sets connected couples apart from others?

It’s not just what they do per se. We’ve covered that in previous blogs. Things like:

* good communication

* mutual support

* respect

* date nights

* teamwork

There is something unique about connected couples. It’s how they are toward each other.

The one thing that sets connected couples apart is vulnerability. They are vulnerable with each other. When vulnerability is expressed by one, it is met with respect and compassion by the other.

Take another look at the picture above. This is what connected couples do. Yes, guys too.

Vulnerability breathes love and belongingness. It connects couples on a deeper level because it supports the free expression of self. Vulnerability is a pathway to mutual happiness.

Why is it so difficult to be vulnerable?

Here are three common barriers to vulnerability between couples.

* Pride – I don’t want to be seen as weak or imperfect

* Shame – you might not like me or judge me

* Fear – you might reject me or punish me

What do most people do about vulnerability?

* Suppress it – push feelings down, avoid expressing themselves

* Reject it – I will feel worse. It won’t work. I will be judged.

* Numb it – Brene Brown in a Ted Talk about the subject noted that addiction is a common way we numb unpleasant feelings.

Vulnerability is not easy for emotionally distant couples

They don’t feel safe

They don’t trust their partner

They don’t think it will make a difference

How to Cultivate Vulnerability

Couples become vulnerable with each other in early romance. They have no problem opening up with each other. Sadly, many couples stop doing this when they settle into the relationship.

Married couples spend most of their time working, raising kids, and doing household tasks. Little time is invested in the relationship. Because the majority of their interactions are about tasks, they fight more than they love. Emotional distance sets in. Suffice it to say, it’s not easy to be vulnerable with each other.

Here are 5 ways to cultivate vulnerability.

Find a safe place to practice vulnerability

Couples counseling is one of the best settings for couples. A counselor can establish a safe setting for couples to open up and share their hearts.

Here’s another idea. Watch heart-warming movies together and talk about your reaction to the characters. Or try joining a small group that fosters close connections. You can practice opening up in a trusted group.

You can also practice vulnerability by opening up to close friends you trust to protect your privacy.

Summon your courage to be real

Fear and shame inhibit vulnerability. Courage will help you break through these barriers.

Find your center and be real. Don’t hold back. Be true to your real self.

Some people are afraid to open up because they don’t want to appear weak or be imperfect. Perfection is an illusion. Authenticity is what connects people.

Speak your truth with respect

The “keeping it real” notion of speaking the brutal truth is not effective. Vulnerability has a tone of respect.

If you need to tell your spouse or partner how you feel in the relationship, convey your truth with respect.

Listen with an open mind

Defensiveness is counterproductive to vulnerability. It will cause your partner to shut down right away. Try to understand your partner. Ask curiosity questions to deepen your understanding.

Validate the vulnerability

Most guys don’t know how to respond when their woman becomes emotional. It reminds me of a classic scene from the movie, “A League of Their Own”.

“There’s no crying in baseball!”

In the movie, Tom Hanks plays a drunken, worn out manager of an all women baseball league. He does the typical angry manager reaction to a player who made a terrible play in the outfield. The problem is, she is a female who doesn’t respond well to in-your-face screaming. Her reaction is an outburst in tears, to which the manager reacts with a loud declaration (in red).

Men don’t respond well to female emotions

Men do not know how to respond when women cry.

Sometimes they react.

“What’s your problem?”

“Will you stop with the tears!”

“Oh, here you go again…”

“I can’t believe you’re crying over this.”

Some guys disengage, or have the “deer in headlights” look.

Bottom line guys–none of these work for the woman in your life.

What’s the problem with men? Do they lack a sensitivity chip? Do they care about a woman’s feelings? Are they afraid of weaker emotions?

The root of a man’s problem

It’s not a difference male vs female “wiring”. Actually, it’s a difference in male vs female “rearing”. Sadness, fear, loneliness, are softer emotions often expressed by women through tears–crying. Guys are raised to avoid the softer/weaker emotions. “Big boys don’t cry!” This is a rule drilled into the minds of young boys as a means to socially engineer us for the expectations of manhood–to protect and provide–to conquer and achieve. “There’s no crying in manhood.”

This places men at a disadvantage when it comes to forming deep, meaningful connections with women. In the early phase of romance guys are actually pretty good at expressing and responding to emotions. I think it is connected to the activation of the primal hunt to capture the woman.

Most men are good in the short term in being emotionally available. Once they capture the woman, guys shift back to being guys. This is very confusing for women. “What happened to the sensitive and romantic guy who swept me off my feet?”

Men do care, they just show it different

Women look for emotional empathy and support. Guys are more likely to respond with cognitive (rational) empathy. In other words, they are going to try to fix the problem of crying. So your guy may try to get you to stop crying by saying, “It’s not necessary to get emotional.” Or he may try to do something for you or distract you from your emotions.

His intentions are caring, but his approach doesn’t work. He can come across as being totally insensitive. Actually, he is doing what he has been reared to do–avoid weaker emotions. This is not an excuse, it’s an explanation.

A man can learn how to respond when his woman becomes emotional.

It’s not like we are ruined by how we were raised. Emotions are not categorized by male vs female. Emotions are human–guys are human–so these emotions are down there somewhere. They just need to be activated. For now, let’s just focus on how a guy can respond to his woman. Allow me to give our male readers a few tips on what to do when your woman becomes emotional.

How to respond when your woman becomes emotional

I often hear guys make excuses. “I can’t respond the way she wants. I’m not wired like that!” Again, this is not about how you’re wired, it’s about how you were raised. You can learn how to respond when your woman becomes emotional. It’s not rocket science. Let’s break it down to 5 simple steps.

Start by normalizing her crying

You must start by normalizing crying. It is simply an emotional response that needs a release point.