When it comes to couple communication, here’s a request I get a lot.

“Help us learn how to communicate right!”

Sadly, many of the couples asking the question have been married for several years!By then they developed some awful patterns of communicating. In this lesson, I will address these common mistakes so you can avoid them as you are starting out.

Did you know that the number one reason why couples seek counseling is because they do not know how to communicate? So, let’s look at the do’s and don’ts of couple communication.

#1: Don’t make assumptions about your spouse

Here are two major assumptions couples make that can derail communication quickly:

* My spouse should know what I need

* I know what my spouse is thinking

Let’s start with the first assumption: “If spouse loves me, he/she should know what I need..”

One major faux pas in couple communication is assuming your partner knows what you need when you need it. The mistaken belief is that couples in love are always tuned in at a deeper level. The reality is that your spouse is not going to be tuned into you 24/7.

Another major faux pas is when couples make assumptions about what each other is thinking without checking it out first. Acting on what you assume your partner is thinking is not a good strategy and often fuels conflict.

Now, let’s examine how to handle assumptions.

Do check-out assumptions with your spouse

Mind-reading rarely works. A more effective approach is to check-out your assumptions with your spouse. Here’s how it can work with the assumption: “My spouse should know what I need.”

Checking out assumption:“It’s been a rough day at work and I am overwhelmed with all the household work staring at me. Do you know what I need right now?”

If your partner doesn’t answer correctly you can say, “I could use a hug and a little help with the dishes.”

Clarifying your need and asking your spouse for support is a reasonable request. It is not a sign of weakness on your part. Nor is it a bad sign if your spouse doesn’t know what you need at the time. Throughout married life we are students of each other. Students learn and get better at anticipating needs, but early on we all have to be taught.

#2: Do not talk over your spouse

Talking over someone is a clear act of disrespect. You have something to say too, but if you interrupt your partner, the conversation may get off the rails. Next thing you know, your mate is talking over you and the interaction escalates.

Couples talk over each other for a variety of reasons:

* when they feel really excited about something and want to share it, but can’t wait for their partner to stop talking

* when they feel like the only way they can get a chance to speak is to interrupt 

* when they disagree with the facts of a story and feel the need to correct the narrative

* when they feel something negative coming from their partner. This is a knee-jerk reaction to defend oneself. 

Interrupting is rude and signals to your partner that you care more about your voice being heard than hers or his. Is this what you want?

Do listen with genuine interest

When you’re spouse is talking to you, show genuine interest. Stop what you’re doing, put down your device, and look her or him in the eye. This courteous act conveys respect.

Sometimes you might not like or agree with what your spouse is saying. The temptation to interrupt is strong. Don’t do it! You’ll get your turn to talk.

Hold back and let your partner finish talking. Slow down, be patient, and try to understand the gist of what he or she is trying to say. Doing this will help you both resolve the issue.