All About We

By All About WeEducation Self-Improvement

All About We episodes

April 28, 20185 Easy Steps to Enforce Consequences
A 16 year old client plops on my couch, noticeably angry. He informs me that his parents tried to do an “intervention” on him after a discovery of weed in his bedroom.
He concluded the episode by saying, “The intervention was a waste of my time.”
Then he looks me straight in the eye and says, “When I have kids, I’m not going to raise them like my parents do.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“They should’ve kicked my ass along time ago.”
“Are you saying they should have hit you?” I ask.
“No, I mean they never took control, never enforced the rules. When I have kids I’m going to enforce consequences.”
There you have it, straight from a teen’s mouth. He’s not the first kid, nor the last who told me they wish their parents were more strict.
Follow through on consequences ranks high on the mistakes parents make in shaping respectful behavior in their kids. It seems both parents and teens agree it’s important.
Neither of them like the act. Parents don’t like delivering consequences. Kids don’t like receiving them. Yet again, they both know enforced consequences are important in parenting.
#1: Remember enforcing consequences is in the best interest of your kids
Basic rules that govern respect in the home establish security and harmony. Consequences for misbehavior serve to promote positive behavior.
Kids want parents to lead. They want us to model love and respect. Kids also want parents to make the home safe and loving.
Throughout their development toward independence, kids will test rules. If parents don’t enforce consequences on a consistent basis, their leadership in the home is compromised. Kids will take control over their parents with demanding and disrespectful behavior.
This is not in the best interest of your kids. Love and limits is what they need.
#2: Get over your fear and get a grip on your guilt
Fear of damaging kids’ self-identity is common among parents. They also worry their kids won’t like them. This is irrational fear. If you want fear to be a motivator, imagine what your kid will be like if you don’t enforce consequences. That’s pretty scary. Just ask my 16 year-old client!
Guilt is another emotion that gets in the way. In dual career homes, parents often feel guilty they are not spending enough time with their kids. They want quality time to connect. They don’t want to be doling out consequences.
Parents today over-focus on giving their kids what they need to engage in sports or the arts, etc… They avoid giving their kids what they need to shape appropriate behavior. Because kids are accustomed to instant gratification, the power struggle over consequences is a battle weary parents tend to avoid.
To be an effective parent, get over fear and guilt. This cannot drive your parenting style. It impedes your child’s development. Remember what is in the best interest of your child: love and limits. If they cross the line by breaking a rule, it’s time for you to step in and enforce a consequence.
#3: Keep calm in your delivery of consequences
Emotions like fear, guilt or anger can amp up on you real quick when your kid misbehaves or challenges you. This is a time to manage emotional intensity. Get a grip on your emotions. Go calm.
Think about work or other social environment when an intense situation required a cool head to deal with it. You know how to do this. Now, replicate the technique at home.
Take deep breaths.

Mentally rehearse – “Consequences are in my child’s best interest.”

Think about how to deliver it swiftly and respectfully.
#4: Avoid getting into a debate over the consequences
Children begin exhibiting oppositional behavior in toddlerhood. It’s a normal process of practicing independence. Children will protest when you enforce a consequence, like taking away a toy.
Kids will protest or bait you into a debate over consequences. They are challenging your leadership and attempting to strip you of your power.
Do not get into a debate. You are the leader and enforcer of consequences. Your goal is compliance, not compromise.
Here is where many parents fail. Kids push the guilt and fear buttons in an aim to wiggle out of consequences. Don’t get baited into a debate.
#5: Hold your position until the time of the consequence is up
When we were kids my parents would sometimes ground us for what sounded like ridiculous sentences. “You’re grounded for a year!” One of my favorites, “You’re grounded for the rest of your life!” Obviously, they didn’t follow through on these. But when we were grounded for a week, you betch ya! They held their position!
I find a 24 hour consequence is sufficient for most offenses. It’s a position that is not difficult to hold and also gets the job done. For your kid, losing an electronic device for a day can feel like a year!
Don’t allow them to talk you out of the consequence because they were acting nice for the last hour. Hold your position.
If you are open to a compromise due to unique circumstances, make them do something to earn it, like cleaning the kitchen, or something with some hard labor. The aim here is for them to feel some restriction or earn through work an early release. The goal is for them to learn from the consequence to change a negative behavior and adopt a positive one.
39 min
April 14, 20185 Things to Consider Before You Enter an Affair
About 3 years ago an unmasking happened that rocked marriages. Someone hacked into Ashley Madison’s 37 million subscriber database exposing the identities of individuals seeking an affair.
AM’s motto: “Life is short. Have an affair.”
Karma struck. The business had a short shelf life. Beyond the breach, AM allegedly used fembots to interact with many male clients.
Sadly, life is indeed short for some who were exposed.
A few committed suicide.

Marriages and families were torn apart by the Ashley Madison revelation.

Even the owner, Noel Biderman was discovered to have multiple affairs.
If you have been wounded by the exposure of an affair, my heart goes out to you.
Ashley Madison’s advice: life is short, have an affair sounds rather hollow now doesn’t it? The reality is, life is hard after an affair.
May I offer some sound advice from my work with individuals or couples rocked by the discovery of an affair?
Here are 5 things to consider before you enter an affair.
#1: The Adventure Is Not Worth The Risk
The sense of intrigue and adventure is a lure for individuals whose relationships are lackluster. Attention from a coworker, neighbor, Facebook friend, a bartender or Starbucks Barista may be all it takes.
Sexual attraction activates powerful sensual receptors in the brain. The rational part of the brain is in danger of being hijacked by the sexual impulses. Herein lays the risk.
No matter what you do to keep the adventure covert, a risk of exposure always exists. The damage following discovery is heavy.
People you care about are hurt.

Reputation is ruined.

Future is bleak.

Life is hard for everyone impacted
Knowing this, ask yourself this question? Is the adventure worth the risk?
#2: Hiding An Affair Is Not As Easy As It Seems
Ask the millions of subscribers to Ashley Madison! Nor is it easy for anyone else. Some people get careless in affairs. Phone records provide evidence, as do text messages, emails, or other forms of social media.
Subtle changes in behavior, allocation of time, or other nuances can signal something to a spouse or partner. There is also the risk of the affair partner getting caught by being careless.
Before long, the thrill of adventure shifts to a tone of anxiety about potential exposure and the ramifications that follow. Managing an affair under the threatening cloud of exposure is not easy.
It’s like living in an inter dimensional reality.
You live in one primary world with a set of expectations.

You escape into another world with developing set of expectations the longer you are in it.
The affair is no longer an escape from reality. It is a reality with a new set of problems.
#3: You may compromise core values
I use the word “may” here because not all people value monogamy in marriage. Some people do not consider it a violation of marital vows to seek sex outside marriage.
Be that as it may, the majority of couples value monogamy and consider it a grave offense to discover a partner involved in an affair. Values of fidelity, honesty, and integrity meld relationships in a sacred bond that ensures security.
Advancing an affair may take you into territory you know goes against your core values. You will likely be wrapped up in an internal battle of self-gratification and guilt. You are not congruent in your beliefs and actions. No matter what you do to justify your actions, a simple glance in the mirror signals you that you have lost your way.
#4: A Safer Approach is to Confront The Problems In Your Marriage
In my work with couples, I have found that several factors contribute to the risk of an affair. I won’t go into them here. Suffice it to say there are five dynamics I see that elevate risk.
Risk of an affair is increased in relationships where couples do not invest regularly in their marriage.

Risk of an affair is increased in relationships where emotional distance is a pattern.

Risk of an affair is high in relationships that lack intimacy.

Risk of an affair is high in relationships where couples do not confront their problems.

Risk of an affair is high in relationships where a partner ignores a problem addressed by his/her spouse.
If you are a couple that avoids problems, I recommend you start confronting them together. See a couples counselor. Get some help right away. You do not want to see your spouse drift into the arms of another person.
My heart goes out to those of you who have been trying to get your spouse to work on the marriage but to no avail. The prolonged waiting is tiring and can leave you feeling lonely and trapped. Here is where many are vulnerable to an affair. I recommend you see a professional counselor for support and help in deciding what to do next.
#5: If Marital Issues Are Unresolvable Bring A Respectful End to the Relationship
It takes two people working together to resolve marital issues. You are responsible to do your part. You cannot do the work of two. If your mate is unwilling to make the changes necessary to repair the relationship then you have a decision to make.
You can stay in a lifeless marriage.
You can respectfully end the relationship.
After you end, and take sufficient time to heal and grow, you are free to pursue a relationship that aligns with your values and expectations.
An affair is not the solution to a dead marriage. Leave gracefully. Maintain your dignity. In time you will find what you’re looking for.
36 min
March 30, 2018How to Stop Your Big But From Squashing Your Partner
One of the issues Marian and I deal with from time-to-time is our big buts. No matter what we do to disguise them, our big buts have caused some problems. I mean, there have been times my big but has squashed my wife! Not good. She’s done the same thing to me too! It’s gets so bad, we find ourselves looking in the mirror to see what we can do to shrink them.
Does your big but squash your partner?
Here are a few big but squashing maneuvers I see in couple relationships.
I hear what you’re saying, but…

You have a point but…

That might be true but…

Yeah, but…

I agree with you, but…
Did you know your big but can squash your partner? I see it all the time in my counseling/coaching profession. Sometimes I see it in the look in Marian’s eyes. I realize I just squashed her.
Do you recognize it in your spouse? It is the look of disappointment or hurt that squashes your partner after she/he says something important that you negate with your big but.
The good news is you can shrink your big but! No joke. You can gain control over how you respond to your mate. Check out these 5 exercises you can do to stop your big but from squashing your partner.
Slow down your brain
Very often in a conversation with a spouse, we have a tendency to assume. Assumptions can lead you down a wrong path. I don’t care how well you think you know your mate, listening through a filter of assumptions will get you into trouble almost every time.
I recommend you slow your brain down and simply focus on your partner. You can do this by taking a few deep breaths. This will lower stress and defensive mechanisms.
Next, quietly remind yourself to be patient and give consideration to your spouse’s right to be heard. Look her/him in the eye as a show of respect. This act in and of itself will disarm any tension that may be present.
Activate your ears
Ears that understand are important in a quality conversation. You have to activate them to listen. I don’t mean hear. I mean listen. Hearing is sound. Listening is concentrating with the intent to understand.
Activate your ears with a question. “What is my spouse/partner trying to say to me?”
Pay attention to thoughts and feelings. This is the subjective experience or view your spouse brings to you. This is important stuff!
[Tweet “Ears that understand are important in a quality conversation. You have to activate them to listen.”]
Open your mind
Remember what I said earlier about assuming? Opening your mind keeps assumptions from leading you down a wrong path.
So often I observe couples heading down a rabbit trail because a spouse used a filter of assumption to listen. This can derail conversation rather quickly.
I suggest you open your mind to consider what your mate is saying from his/her perspective. You do this by reflecting on the thoughts and feelings shared. Listen closely and think with an open mind.
Measure your words
This is when you finally respond to your partner. You do not want to expose your big but! Trust me, it will squash her/him.
Instead, you want to measure your words with a technique in communication called “validation”. You can learn more about validation in my previous blog. Validation is an “extended play” of conveying understanding to your mate.
When I was a kid, songs had two versions. One was “short play”, the other, an “extended play” was longer. I recommend an extended play when you validate your spouse.
Let me illustrate the difference between “short play” and “long play”.
Short play – “I understand you are angry at me for staying out too late but I’m an adult and can take care of myself.“
Extended play – “I understand you are angry at me for staying out too late. I also hear you saying that you were worried something happened. You would have preferred that I called to let you know I was staying out longer. I get that.”
Notice that the extended play validated her feelings and concerns. The big but did not squash her. She felt validated.
Share your perspective
After you slow things down, listen well, open your mind, and validate, then you are ready to share your perspective. The big but is successfully shrunk. You can now share where you are coming from on the matter.
To illustrate, let’s look again at the previous illustration.
Validation – “I understand you are angry at me for staying out too late. I also hear you saying that you were worried something happened. You would have preferred that I called to let you know I was staying out longer. I get that.”
Perspective – “I want you to know that I had a great time and did not act foolishly. The truth is I wasn’t paying attention to the clock and didn’t think about calling. My mistake. Next time, I’ll give you a heads up if I plan to stay out longer, so you don’t have to worry. I don’t want you to have to feel anxious or be out of the loop.”
Validating the other person’s feelings and clarifying what happened avoids the squash of a big but.
Now it’s your turn
Does your big but get in the way? What do you think you need to work on to keep your partner from being squashed? Feel free to leave your comments below or post them on my social media sites.
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33 min
March 17, 2018 After Years of Unhappiness Can Couples Change?
After years of unhappiness, can couples change?
Before I answer the question above, let me pose another. How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer? One–but the lightbulb has to want to change.
While we chuckle at the joke, there is some truth in the statement. As a couples therapist I find this to be true. After years of unhappiness couples can change.
I see it often. It is a beautiful thing to behold. In fact, some who subscribe to my blog are “proof in the pudding”.
The difference in these couples is what I call the “mutuality factor”. They make a mutual agreement to try together. It is not one doing the work of two. Both partners have two feet in.
So what does it take for unhappy couples to change? Here are five things it takes that I see couples do.
#1 It takes some shared humility and forgiveness
Unhappy couples get tired of fighting and being isolated while living in the same house. Some split up. The couples who do not want to divorce have a choice. They can co-exist in their unhappiness or they can choose to be happy again together.
The couples who choose to change, symbolically wave a white flag and surrender to each other. This is an act of shared humility. They stop pointing fingers and start owning up to their end of the problem. The act of forgiveness permeates interactions. “I am really sorry” is not a bandaid, but a balm over a wound once previously ignored.
#2: It takes some dismantling of walls
In unhappy marriages, walls are carefully constructed to protect a wounded heart from future pain. When couples agree to change together, walls are dismantled brick by brick. You see, when humility and forgiveness sets the tone of interaction, healing can take place. Safety and trust resurface. The relationship feels less threatening. Walls lose their purpose.
One of the most difficult walls to dismantle is resentment. This one takes years to construct and is effective in maintaining a safe distance. Be that as it may, if you plan to be happy together again, you will have to bring down this wall. If your spouse has a wall of resentment be mindful of how you interact. You have some repairing work before you.
#3: It takes some showing of respect
A pattern of mutual respect in a relationship opens the door of endless possibilities. Respect of equal power is of utmost importance. Any form of control is disrespectful to a spouse. If you have a controlling nature, you will have to work hard on changing it.
Respect is shown by affirming your spouse’s right to think, feel, speak, and act for herself/himself. Judging, correcting, dismissing, or shaming a spouse is harmful and in some cases abusive. If you want respect in your marriage be open and willing to listen to each other. When you speak, convey your words with respect for your mate.
#4: It takes some persistence in effort
Fear and pride stand in the way of a better life. They make change seem so hard, when in fact it’s not that difficult. Couples who make the change after years of unhappiness muster the courage. They agree to keep doing things like showing respect, keeping attitudes in check, and being patient with each other. They don’t give up too quickly. Instead, they get back on the rails and stay the course.
#5: It takes some investment in “good times” together
Couples who are tired of fighting get rejuvenated by good times together. Rediscovery is a big part of the change that is happening. I hear this a lot from the couples I work with. Getting away for a trip, weekender, or fun activity can kickstart the motor.
It is fascinating to me how many couples get reconnected by travel. It seems that getting away from the familiar environment and pressures allows couples to relax and focus on good times together. Often I hear couples say that they feel young again. So, if you want to change together, be sure you incorporate opportunities for good times together in your calendar.
Now it’s your turn
After years together, are you an unhappy couple? Do you think you are both willing to work on changing things so you can be happy? I have shared 5 ways you can do it. Where will you start? If you’d like help getting on track, feel free to reach out to me on my contact page. I offer couples counseling and coaching depending on your needs.
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37 min
March 10, 2018 5 Habits of a Power Couple
Are you a power couple? Do you even know what that question means?
Hollywood carefully crafted it’s definition featuring their poster couple, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, until they broke up. Currently, Tom Brady (football) and Gisele Bünchen (fashion) rank high among power couples.
If you want to toss politics in the mix, a power couple whose ambition was to share presidential fame, Bill and Hilary Clinton fit the bill. Hilary lost in 2016 to Donald Trump. His daughter Ivanka and husband Jared Kushner are considered a power couple in business, and more recently politics.
So, before you attempt to answer the question, let’s see how dictionaries define a power couple.
First, the Oxford Dictionary:
A couple consisting of two people who are each influential or successful in their own right.
Second, the Urban Dictionary:
A relationship between two people who are equally as cool as each other.
Do either of these definitions fit your imagery of a power couple?
In my practice, I work with couples who fit the definitions above. They are movers and shakers in their respective professions. And yes, they are equally cool as each other! But does this make them a power couple at home where it really counts?
Power dynamics in couple relationships is a fascinating study. I educate couples on the flow of power, including the importance of regulating it in marriage. Healthy couples respect the flow of power in their relationship.
Here are my 5 habits of a power couple. As you read, ask yourself, “Do we possess this habit in our relationship?”
[Tweet “Healthy couples respect the flow of power in their relationship.”]
Habit #1: Power couples respect each other’s right to speak and be understood
You have a voice. So does your mate. Do you make the effort to really listen to each other? Power couples do. They will slow down important conversations to give equal opportunity to speak and be heard. Listening to understand regulates the flow of power. They are not quick to add, “yeah but…”. Instead, a curiosity question may follow–“What do you need me to understand right now?” The interaction slows to a pace that promotes self-expression, an act of mutual respect.
Habit #2: Power couples give each other space to grow
Personal growth is a lifelong process. You need to establish space in your relationship to foster this. Power couples balance independence with interdependence. They support each other’s interest in personal pursuits: exercise, hobbies, friendships, and educational interests, to name a few. Yet, they also work diligently to meet the needs of the relationship. Again, it is a balance they strive to maintain, so they talk about it regularly.
Habit #3: Power couples influence each other carefully
“You complete me” was Jerry Maguire’s declaration to his estranged wife Dorothy. She brought something to their marriage he did not possess on his own. Power couples get this. They acknowledge the unique qualities, intelligence, and experience each other brings to the relationship. Furthermore, they allow this power to flow as a form of influence that improves the quality of life together.
Think about it. Each of you brings something unique to your relationship. Once Marian and I understood this, we opened up to what each other brings to our marriage. I admire her intuition. She values my reasoning capabilities.
Habit #4: Power couples regulate the temperature of their relationship
Relationships have an internal thermostat that regulates temperature. Power couples adjust the temperature according to the immediate need. If they are in a passionate mood they may heat things up. When an argument builds, they will cool it down. In general, power couples keep the temperature comfortable for both.
Regulating temperature requires cooperation by both individuals. Power couples understand and use good communication skills to accomplish this. Over time, Marian and I have developed “code language” to help us regulate temperature in an argument. We send messages to each other about spending time together or cues for sex. Trust me, we are not perfect in execution, but it does make a huge difference.
Habit #5: Power couples integrate divine power
By and large, couples who have a shared spirituality exhibit the most dynamic power. I see this repeatedly in my professional work. Personally, I find this habit to be the most unifying element in our marriage. When we engage in spiritual dialog or worship together in church, Marian and I feel an impenetrable bond. It’s as if we tap into a power that surpasses our human limitations.
I find couples who integrate spiritual values experience a unique dimension of power. They are exposed to concepts of unconditional love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness. As these virtues are woven into the fabric of the relationship, couples experience a power that can endure just about anything they encounter. Furthermore, their shared spirituality provides a barrier from some of the common threats endangering marriages. It doesn’t make them immune, but it does help them to develop healthy habits.
Now it’s your turn
So there you have it: 5 habits of a power couple. Does this in some way define your marriage? Is anything missing from the list of 5? How do you fare in giving your mate freedom to express her/his power? I’d like to hear your comments or ideas in the section below or on one of my social media sites.
20 min
March 03, 2018Social Media’s Effect on Adolescent Mental Health
Are you worried about your kids’ obsession with their smart phone? Do you know what social media platforms they spend time on? Are you noticing any mood, emotional, or behavior signs that indicate they seem unhappy?
A few days ago I read an oped in USA Today from a doctor who wrote about a disturbing increase in female adolescent patients cutting (a form of self-mutilation).
While it saddened me, I wasn’t surprised. Recent research in mental health indicates an increase in mental health problems among children and adolescents.
Mental health problems among adolescents is increasing at an alarming rate!
While a decrease in some at-risk behaviors is associated with adolescent use of social media, an increase in mental illness is particularly concerning. Here are some findings in a couple of articles on the subject.
Psychology Today – It’s Complicated: Teens, Social Media and Mental Health (Sept 2017), Erin & David Walsh – Smart Parenting, Smarter Kids
Heaviest social media users experience the greatest amount of anxiety (FOMO – fear of missing out)

Young people report social media (sm) helps them feel connected with family and friends.

One out of five teens feel worse about their life based on what they see on social media.

Passive scanning of people who appear happy or successful can increase feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety.
Child Mind Institute – Smartphones and Social Media
Teens/young adults 16-24 yrs old are the most intense users of social media (90% use internet for social networking).

Overuse has negative impact on self-esteem, life satisfaction, and increases mental health problems (anxiety, depression, suicidality).

“Likes” activate the brain’s reward system.

Social media has resulted in a decrease in risky behaviors (drinking, illicit drug use, car accidents, teen birth rates).

Less than an hour of gaming can have positive mental health effects.

8th graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on sm are 56% more likely to report being unhappy, than those who spend less time.

Heavy users of sm increase their risk of depression by 27%.

YouTube is viewed as a positive force, but Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram increase feelings of anxiety as reported by teens.

Lack of sleep due to late night sm engagement has effect on mental health:
Lack of sleep negatively affects, mood, ability to regulate emotions, cognitive processing, ability to react or get along with adults.

Teens who do not sleep enough are more than twice likely to report higher levels of depression (31% vs 12%)

Teens who sleep less than 7 hours a night are also 68% more likely to have at least one risk for suicide.

Negative impact of social media in girls vs boys
22% of girls vs 10% of boys reported being cyberbullied in the last year.

Boys depression increased by 21% vs girls 50% between 2012-2015*
*Note in particular how social media has a greater negative effect on girls versus boys.
Mental health begins in the home
Let’s examine how you can foster mental health in your family.
#1: Take time an reflect on the positive and negative effect electronic devices are having in your family
What are some positive uses of electronic devices in your family? Do any of these apply?
Helps us to stay connected and/or communicate during the day.

Ability to monitor the kids whereabouts.

Marking moments of shared family experiences.
Now, what about the negative effect? Notice any of these patterns?
Devices become a barrier to connect when we are at home together.

Withdrawal patterns in kids.

Signs of mental health problems emerging.
#2: Examine your relationship with electronic devices
Before you assess your kids, what about you? Think about what you model in the home as you answer these questions:
How often are you on your devices around your family?

Do you rely on devices to keep your kids occupied when your busy?

How consistent are you on restricting your kids’ time on devices?

Does change need to begin with you? If so, what change?
#3: Look for signs that devices and social media are having a negative impact on your kids
Did you notice anything in the research that concerns you about your kid? Is your child or teen overly attached to their device? Any changes in mood, emotional stability, self-esteem, or social connections?
Now, if you see a negative behavioral pattern, it is time to talk to your kid. “Be calm” and talk about what you observe and ask some non-judgmental, inquistional curiosity questions.
“You seem down lately, care to talk about it?”

“You have not been yourself. Let’s talk. I’m all ears.”
Here is an excellent cartoon from a New York City mental health course that illustrates how to do this with your kid.
#4: Introduce new family patterns to increase mental health in your home
How do you do this? Here are 10 suggestions to get you started:
Start by bringing the best version of your self out of the bedroom in the morning. Set your brain right. Think positive. Establish morning routines that put you in a positive mood.

Do not allow the negative mood of others to set the tone. Maintain your positive attitude, they will eventually follow.

If you have mental health problems address them. Remember, mental health in the home begins with you!

If your kid/teen has a mental health problem get them some help.

Establish device free or unplugged time in your home to allow you time to connect face-to-face. Morning and evening times are a good place to start

Set at least one segmented time a week for family fun and everyone is required to participate.

Establish boundaries on disrespect in the home. Promote healthier ways to work through conflict.

Have one-on-one time with your kids on a regular basis.

Give your kids chores.

If your home is chaotic do family counseling to get everyone on track together.
#5: Establish rules of engagement in your home about devices
To get help on establishing rules, check out my blog and podcast, “How to Outsmart Your Kid’s Obsession with Smartphones”

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56 min
February 24, 2018Why Marriages Struggle: getting to the heart of the problem
Do you want to get at the heart of the problem why couples struggle? Let’s figure it out and see if we can find a way to help couples soar.
Ask the average couple the question, “Why does your marriage struggle?” You might hear…
“We don’t know how to communicate”
“It seems we fight all the time”
“We never spend time together”
“When we do talk we can’t agree on anything”
“We don’t have romance”
These answers seem plausible, but perhaps they are symptoms of a deeper problem. So, let’s get to the heart of the matter okay?
You see, your heart matters. So does your mate. Some couples lose sight of taking care of each other’s heart.
Think back to when you fell in love. Perhaps like others, you felt a strong romantic connection. You had a lot of fun and could talk for hours. The bond you shared met a basic human need identified for love and belonging
Marriages struggle when couples stop caring for each other’s heart. Neglect is a subtle pattern that forms early in relationships once couples get involved in the tasks of raising a family. A marriage cannot tolerate this too long before other patterns emerge.
Conflict, emotional distancing, and over-focusing on work, kids and household tasks can push couples further apart. Once a safe haven, marriage feels more like a battleground.
The longer couples go without tending to the heart of the marriage, the more they struggle with each other.
To break this pattern, it is important to get back to the heart of the problem. You must come together and tend to the heart of the marriage. Here are 3 simple ways you can do this.
Tune into the heart of your spouse
When you’re struggling in marriage it is easy to complain about your spouse. You may have compiled a list of complaints and feel justifiably distant. But where does that get you?
Do you know what is going on in the heart of your mate? It could be one or more of the following:
Worries about one of the kids

Pressures on the job

Aging parent

Health concerns

Disappointments in friendship
In order to “tune in” you have to “tune out” whatever else is going on in the moment.
Put down the cell phone

Let your guard down and listen

Try your best to understand

Validate

Give a word of affirmation or compliment

Do something thoughtful or caring (card, gift massage, draw a bath, etc…)
“When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.” Mark Twain
Open up your heart to your spouse
This is something women find easier to do than men. Be that as it may, it is important for both partners to work on.
Guys often compartmentalize problems and do not think about opening up. Men don’t want to burden a spouse. Some think it is a sign of weakness and should be able to solve problems on their own.
Men fail to understand that women want them to open up. It’s not a sign of weakness. Opening up your heart is really a strength in the eyes of most women.
One of our biggest struggles is not knowing what to do with our emotions so men tend to suppress them. The problem is they leak out in other ways.
A spouse will be less critical or make wrong assumptions when they get a sense of what is really going on in your heart. They are likely to be more compassionate and supportive if they understand what you’re going through.
Tend to the heart of the marriage in simple ways
Think in terms of three hearts: yours, your spouse’s, and your marriage. Both of you bear the responsibility of caring for the heart of your marriage.
Think of one thing you can do today for your marriage.
Here are some simple ideas to tend to the heart of your marriage:
Express “I love you” in the beginning, middle, and end of every day.

Surprise your spouse with a sentiment. A card with their cup of coffee.

Compliment, compliment, compliment!

Call or text each other during the day with a simple check-in.

Go on a well-deserved date.

Take a few minutes every day to decompress together.
Stop the struggling
If you’re turning on your heart and tuning into the heart of your spouse, you can establish a rhythm of caring for the heart of your marriage together.
“The real act of marriage takes place in the heart—not the ballroom, or church, or synagogue. It’s a choice you make not just on your wedding day, but over and over again, and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.” Barbara DeAngelis
41 min
February 18, 2018 How to Maintain Self-respect in Your Relationships
Heidi lays alone in her bed completely exhausted. Her pillow drenched in tears. Curled up in a fetal position, she whispers, “I’m tired of being taken advantage of by people I care for.”
The consummate giver, Heidi goes the extra mile in her marriage, with her kids, and for her boss. What does she get in return? More requests, demands, and complaints, with little appreciation or support.
Years of this pattern has taken a toll. Heidi feels disrespected by the people she relies on for support. Resentment builds. So does feelings of loneliness and a wish to escape.
Heidi is vulnerable.
Enter Tom, a guy she met at spin class. He is impressed by Heidi’s aggressive workout and commitment to give her best. Heidi likes the attention and positive comments, something her husband Kevin doesn’t give.
Conversations over coffee, lead to lunch, and eventually to a brief affair. It ended when Tom lost interest.
Lying in bed, Heidi ponders how she ended up here. Empty. Lost. Disconnected from herself, she wonders, “How did I lose my self-respect?”
Was it the affair? Probably not. I’d say it began long before when Heidi lost connection with herself.
A disconnect with yourself is a telltale sign you lack self-respect. Life out-of-balance. Perhaps, like Heidi you have not tended to your own needs. Nor have you been clear setting limits with others.
Respect from others begins with self-respect. Here are four ways you can maintain self-respect in your relationships.
[Tweet “Respect from others begins with self-respect.”]
#1: Establish time to take care of yourself
Heidi spent all of her time taking care of others. She spared very little time for herself. Consequently, her tank was half-full. No wonder she was stressed out and exhausted most days. Later, when she finally started working out, Heidi was way out-of-balance.
To maintain self-respect in your relationships it is important that you take care of yourself. It’s time to invest in you.
Doing things that fill your tank is self-gratifying. It increases a positive mental attitude and brings the best version of yourself to others.
#2: Set boundaries with others
When it came to setting boundaries with others, Heidi struggled in two areas. First, she was not firm in her expectations of others. Secondly, Heidi tolerated disrespect.
If you are taking good care of yourself it is easier to set boundaries with others. Self-respect is a disposition that commands respect. People become alert to your power.
How? It happens when you use your voice. I’m referring to being assertive in a respectful but firm manner on how you expect to be treated.
“No” is a good boundary to start using. A polite, firm “no” is your way of saying to people that you have limits.
#3: Find a place where you have freedom to express yourself
Heidi did not find a place where she could be free from expectations of others. She needed a place to find her voice, a place to express herself. Later, she found it by seeking counseling.
I find my place in some unlikely forms. For example, I belong to a group of fellow business owners who meet monthly to support each other in our personal and professional lives. I can open up and be vulnerable with a group of men who listen and support.
This may sound weird, but I also find the basketball court to be a place of freedom. I enjoy the challenge of competition and the banter I share with the guys. On the court I can be comical and motivational. I can also hold my ground with the alphas in the group.
Do you have a place to feel free just to be yourself? If not, I encourage to find it.
#4: Satisfy your need for connection
Heidi lacked meaningful connection in her life. Her husband and kids were takers not givers. When she sought it in an affair, it left her feeling more empty.
We are hardwired to connect with others. Maslow describes it as a basic need for belonging. Deep within we hunger for deep meaningful relationships.
Busyness robs us of connection. Electronic devices fills the empty space.
The most important place for connection is at home. Set this expectation with your family. Create time to connect without media. Play a board game. Go on an adventure walk. Have a nerf gun battle. Go through picture albums together. Do a puzzle. Cuddle in front of the fireplace.
Now it’s your turn
Think about the four ways. Which one do you need to focus on the most? What’s your plan to begin today?
To learn more about this topic and how Heidi found respect in her personal life, marriage, and family, read my book: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict
42 min
February 10, 2018How to Cultivate Like-minded Love
When I was a kid, I remember exchanging cards with classmates on Valentines Day. Everyone was your valentine!
Later, when I fell in love and got married, I felt pressure like other guys to use this occasion express my heartfelt love and devotion.
I remember the painstaking process choosing the perfect Hallmark card. Then there was flowers, chocolate, and dinner at a nice restaurant.
Valentines Day can add to the pressure some couples already feel about their relationship. Couples living hectic lives mistakenly hope this day will magically jumpstart dormant romance. This “quick fix” attempt may last a few days, but there is a better approach.
Cultivating like-minded love.
The concept of like-minded love comes from my spiritual values. To set the table, let me share a passage that shapes my view on how to cultivate like-minded love with my wife, Marian.
Philippians 2:1-5 NIV
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.
The love identified in this passage is unconditional. It’s a love given freely. A choice to love not based on conditions—“If you do this…or meet my expectations…then I will give you my love.”
Unconditional love is within the nature of God. It has no pre-conditions. This love is consistent even when we feel we don’t deserve it because of our actions.
Unconditional love sees our blemishes but looks deeper within and finds intrinsic goodness trapped by shame.
According to the passage, the effect of unconditional love is transformation. Self-worth blossoms. The recipient is petitioned to express unconditional love to others.
How to Cultivate Like-minded Love
Before I begin, let me clarify. The ideas I share come from my Christian orientation. Spirituality plays a powerful role in how I cultivate like-minded love in my marriage.
Allow God’s unconditional love into your life
You cannot give to your mate what you haven’t experienced yourself. God’s unconditional love forgives our failings. His love is tender and compassionate.
With God’s unconditional love, you can love others.
I encourage you to explore your spirituality. Embrace unconditional love, grace, and tenderness—all elements of a personal relationship.
Approach your relationship with like-minded love
Give from your spiritual experience. Work on expressing unconditional love.
Your spouse has faults just like you do. Your spouse also has goodness you can admire too!
Expressing grace when imperfections surface is benevolent. A critical and judgmental attitude is unloving.
Unconditional love toward a spouse is more likely to foster an openness to grow.
Develop an attitude of humility toward each other
Notice a warning in the passage against “selfish ambition and vain conceit”. This power-up disposition contradicts unconditional love.
Like-minded love says “consider others better than yourself”. What happens when both spouses take a power-down position?
You have mutual care.
Pride and fear are two major forces I observe that keep couples bound in polarized negativity. Conflict is expressed as a “he vs she” problem. “He never…” “She always…”
Humility breaks the negative tension and conveys and openness to your partner. Conflict is understood as a “me and we” problem.
“We don’t communicate respectfully.”
“You’re right, I can do a better job not interrupting you.”
“Thanks for admitting this, and I know I can be harsh with my words. I’ll work on being softer.”
Focus on the interests of your mate without losing interest in your own
Relationships become stale when couples lack things to do together. The complaint is: “We don’t like the same things, so we do our own thing.”
I’m not a fan of dressage, but I go once a year with Marian to watch competition. She’s not a huge sports fan but will on occasion join me at a sports bar to watch a game.
Interests are not just activities. You can spend time talking:
About a book your spouse is reading

Or a hobby your spouse is working on

What’s going on in your spouse’s social life with friends

Listening to work challenges or aspirations

Talking about personal or spiritual development
Like-minded love is not liking and doing the same things all the time. It is taking an interest in each other’s world and creating some space to engage it.
Be willing and ready to make sacrifices for each other
This passage closes with an admonition to have the same attitude as Christ who sacrificed himself on our behalf.
Like-minded love is mutually sacrificial. It’s expressed in sacrificial acts that come when the situation calls for it.
As I write my wife is sacrificing time away from me while I care for my aged mother. Friday night date nights are moved to another time so I can be with my mom.
Sacrificial love is the essence of the vows we make when we marry. “In sickness..in hardship…”
Now it’s your turn
Like-minded love is cultivated over the course of life together. You may be several years into your marriage without cultivating it but you can start today. You may have to remove some rocks and weeds, but unconditional love helps you begin this process.
Like-minded love requires two people. One cannot do it for two.
You have to do it together for it to work.
Date & Getaway Recommendations
If you live in the Chicagoland area and are looking for a great place to eat or a getaway with your spouse. Here are a couple new places Marian and I visited recently. Simply stated–AMAZING!
Click the links below.
Formentos
Deer Path Inn
22 min
February 04, 2018How to be the storyteller of your amazing life
Sometimes life can feel robotic. We get up every morning following the same script from the day before.
Pressures of maintaining a household compounded by work demands seem to fill every waking hour. Days, weeks, months, and years are logged as events in the calendar, not experiences shared in the story of my amazing life.
For many, their story can seem like it’s been co-opted by others. You lost control of the narrative. Instead it feels like your spouse, kids, boss, or other people write your script.
One may wonder, “Do I have control over the narrative of my life?”
Now, that’s an important question.
Or another way to ask it…
“Do I own the pen? Or, have I left it for others to write my story?”
To live a meaningful life you have to control the narrative. Here are some things to keep in mind to become the storyteller of your amazing life.
#1: Be the author of your story
You own the pen. The blank pages are for you to fill.
Free will is about being self-directive. It’s the essence of what it means to be the author.
Your story will include contributing authors. These are likely key people with whom you share life. Their presence can draw you out and shape your narrative in some meaningful way.
When you marry and have a family you will co-author these chapters with your spouse. This is a collaborated story. If you delegate the story to your spouse to write, you will lose control of your narrative and you act out the story he/she has scripted for you.
Never give your pen away.
Your story contains chapters of experiences and decisions you make that express who you are and describe how you choose to live. This includes roles as spouse, parent, professional, sibling, or friend.
#2: Your story will include events you didn’t plan
Human life has a natural progression. You’re born, you grow old, then you die. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always follow a straight path.
People die early, disasters, hardship or some other difficult event happens in the course of life. You have no control over events. You cannot foresee what’s coming to avoid it or prevent it from happening. You simply have to deal with it.
When unplanned events happen, especially ones that cause suffering or alter the course of life, you can feel a loss of control.
A parent dies when you’re young.

A child is born with a disability.

Your home burns to the ground in a wildfire.
Do not put away your pen. Chronicle your experience. Do not allow yourself to be defined by it.
Hardship is a chapter, not the entire book.
#3: You control the narrative of difficult events
You may not be able to control what happens to you, but you can decide how you interpret it.
For example, let’s say you experience the loss of a loved one at an early age. If you are defined by the event you might say, “I cannot allow myself to get close to people or they will leave me.” This narrative is a story of distant relationships and a failure to establish intimacy.
An alternative narrative might be. “No guarantees for a long life, so I will make the best of my relationships while they last.” This story is one filled with close, meaningful relationships.
A dark event can produce a multiple chapters of a disillusioned life. Or, it can result in chapters of recovery, meaning, and purpose.
I witness couples recover from the hardship of adultery to co-author a narrative of forgiveness, restoration, and renewal of intimacy.
Additionally, I see individuals escape from an abusive marriage. The horror of their story followed by chapters of survival, healing, and later discovery of love with a safe partner.
#4: Include chapters of self-discovery
Who are you? What do you like? How have you grown or changed over time? What did you learn about yourself that helps you be a better person?
These are all great questions to reflect on or to write in a journal.
Allow me to answer a few.
I am a man of the people and get excited by empowering others. My passion is basketball and I push myself to perform at a high level at my current age. Over time, I learned to set boundaries so I have space to develop myself. Today, I continue learning to be comfortable in my own skin.
What are you learning about yourself at this stage of life?
#5: Find meaning in the mundane
What gives you meaning? Can you find it in the mundane?
In the movie, Family Man, Jack Campbell discovers that true meaning in life is not living isolated from others in his perfect self-crafted existence of wealth and success, but it is in changing poopy diapers, making his daughter chocolate milk and serenading his wife on her birthday.
This is a great antidote to a robotic existence. The roles in life don’t have to be imposed scripts we roleplay. Instead, they can be a collection of stories about experiences with people near and dear who impact each other in positive and sometimes negative ways. Yet we work through the bad and savor the good, all the while thankful that this story feels real, and good, and just right for me.
Now it’s your turn
Do you own your pen? Or, have you left your story for others to write? What’s happening now in the amazing story of your life?
42 min

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