All About We

I’ve battled insecurity in one form or another my entire life. Feelings of fear, inadequacy, self-doubt, shame, and rejection are giants I engage in battle from time to time.

These insecurities developed in my formative years and stood in my way on many occasion, taunting me like a playground bully.

Deep down inside I believed I had a purpose, that I could do great things, but when it came time to act, I found ways to talk myself out of it. I surrendered to my insecurity.

To compensate I focused on others, doing things to make people happy in order to gain their approval. I developed a pattern of being a people pleaser. This is not a healthy way to live. It masked my insecurities but they would surface time and again. 

In my late 30s, early 40s I hit a brick wall. I was emotionally spent. My identity felt fragmented. I decided it was time to face my giant and confront my insecurity.

Here are 3 things I learned to do to win the battle over insecurity.

The first realization I had was how controlled I was by insecurity. It made me mad. How did I become so weak?

Here’s what I did and recommend you do.

Stop making excuses about your insecurity. Denial, rationalization or other defense mechanisms cannot be your narrative any longer.

Blaming others or circumstances for your unhappiness will keep you stuck.

Don’t wait until you hit a brick wall like I did.

Another thing I had to do was open up to a few people I trusted about my insecurity. An unmasking was necessary.

You see, one of the ways people deal with insecurity is to put on a mask. Do you know it’s hard work acting like you have it together all the time?

I felt the pressure of being perfect, doing good all the time, setting an example. Deep down inside I had struggles. However, I feared shame and rejection from others so I kept a mask on.

When I took off the masked by opening up I felt liberated! No judgment. Instead, people supported me and also shared some of their insecurities too.

If you want to win the battle, umask your insecurity. Label them. Call them out. Open up to others about them.

Remember, exposure weakens the power of insecurity and gives you more control.

Insecurity was a giant in my life. For years, I was afraid to confront it. One day when I read the story of David and Goliath I was inspired by his faith and courage to face the giant. I decided it was time for me to go to battle too. 

Let me tell you something about fear.

There are two ways to act.

Avoid the problem – which gives temporary relief, but the problem still stands in the way

Approach the problem – which initially increases anxiety at the thought, but has a rapid drop-off once you act.

My good friend and cohost of the All About We podcast, Amanda Berlin says for her “action relieves anxiety”.

In the David and Goliath story he fought the giant using a sling shot and five smooth stones he carefully selected. He only needed one to take down the giant.

For illustrative purposes I have 5 mental stones I use to confront the giant of insecurity.

Self-affirmation (what I believe to be good about me)

Faith (my spiritual connection with God)

Support system (what others believe or say about me)

Courage (off with the mask)

Intolerance (unwilling to be controlled by insecurity)

By winning battles over insecurity I feel good about myself. Furthermore, I accomplish more by living life fully.

What is your giant? Are you winning the battle against your foe? Share what works for you in the comment section below.

I’ll begin with a disclaimer. The #1 thing I address is not heavily researched. However, in my view it is the underlying element to the problems couples identify in surveys.

Problems like…

Communication

Finances

Sex

Parenting

Can you guess what it is? Clues are imbedded in the title. Observe the couple. 

Can you solve the riddle? It’s one word.

Power up

Power down

Power struggle

The #1 up and down struggle most couples have is balancing power.

As water is to fish, power is to people: It is the medium we swim in. And it is typically just as invisible to us. Hara Estroff Marano

Power is your fundamental right to think, feel, speak and act on your own. Exercising your voice and choice.

The expression of power is effective when it is done with respect toward the other person.

Respectful power brings influence.

Disrespectful power exerts control.

An underlying concern among couples is “will the expression of your power be helpful or hurtful?”

“Will he keep his promise to help with the kids?”

“Will she watch her spending?”

“Will he control his drinking?”

“Will she control her anger?”

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Balancing power in couples’ relationship is not as easy as one may think. Perspectives regarding roles may differ. Based on background, ethnicity, culture, or other influences individuals enter relationships with preconceived ideas about who is the de facto leader.

Traditional views give the man the power up position. Feminist views advocate for the empowerment of women not to be reliant on men. Egalitarian views promote a balance of power among couples.

When it comes to balancing power I advocate mutual respect. Inasmuch as you want to have your “voice and choice” be sure you give equal consideration to your mate.

Here are 3 basic ways you can balance power as a couple.

Accept your spouse as an equal partner with a unique personality, traits and attributes that have a right to co-exist with you.

Encourage and support your spouse to be his or herself. Don’t try to change them into a version more suited to you. This is a misuse of your power and a violation of their boundaries.

When your spouse speaks, show respect by listening without interrupting. If you disagree, express it without being critical or demeaning.

I like what psychologist and author Harriet Learner says about intimacy and power.

Be open to the influence your spouse brings to the marriage based on their knowledge, skill or previous experience that you don’t possess.

This is a form of validation that says “you matter to me/us” and “add value to this relationship”.

Notice the difference in this couple when they balance power.

“You are so intuitive. I admire how you seem to know how exactly what to do when our kids are distraught. You seem to be one step ahead and ready to deliver.”

“I notice how patient and calm you are under stress. How do you keep your cool when I feel so unglued in the situation?”

“Wow, you are a great planner! I tend to be scattered and I know it frustrates you. This vacation was awesome! If it was left up to me it would have been a disaster!”

A spouse’s needs can be squashed by their partner’s power. It can come in the form of neglect, invalidation, or being dismissive.

Rigidity is also a form of control that inhibits a spouse’s power. One person cannot rule a relationship or get their way most of the time. This imbalance of power forms a toxic pattern of passive-aggressive behavior in the relationship.

The antidote for rigidity is flexibility, loosening control and accommodating your partner’s need. If your spouse is rigid you can use your voice (power) to advocate for your needs. Here are some examples.

“You’re great at managing money and I appreciate that we don’t have debt. We need to revisit the budget. Our kids are growing and we need more financial resources allocated to meet the demands.”

“I acknowledge I am not as knowledgeable as you are at parenting, but I need you to step back and let me step in. Please don’t correct me in front of the kids. My style is different but we share the same goal.”

“I don’t have the right to dictate your life. Please understand your pattern of drinking is affecting our family. I know you love us. Therefore, I ask you to address my concern.”

Flexibility is respecting your spouse’s voice and accommodating by taking action.

So what sets couples apart who balance power?

Mutual respect.

Increase in self-esteem.

Better communication.

Greater partnership.

Stronger connection.

Deeper intimacy.

Fewer conflicts.

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Normally on the All About We Podcast, my cohost Amanda Berlin interviews me on the content of my latest blog. This week we did a role reversal and I interviewed Amanda about her career journey. Read what she has to say about this topic and listen to the interview by hitting the play button above.

When I got let go from my last corporate job (nearly six years ago), I instantly knew I wasn’t going to go and find another job just like the one from which I had been [mercifully] freed.

I knew I was “meant for” something different…something better…I felt CALLED to do something new, something all my own. At the time, I had been working in corporate publicity and I was disenchanted with my role helping big companies be louder than their competition. And I was also totally demoralized by the corporate culture.

But as you’ll hear in our podcast episode for this week, in which I’m interviewed by Don, my self-employment journey wasn’t a straight line or a clear path, by any means.

I wanted to talk about my effort to start my own business and create the offerings I extend today because many of us are going to start 2018 promising ourselves we aren’t going to finish 2018 in the same job we’ve hated for years.

And, 2018 promises to be a really big year of change…so I imagine many of us will be experiencing challenging career decisions that could be met with fear…or empowerment. I hope we can choose the latter.

In our interview, Don and I talked about:

I employed a “three-pronged approach” for dealing with dissatisfaction at work. Acceptance, forgiveness of myself and others, and an attitude and energy of “being the light” in a workplace that was plagued by poor morale — these were unconditional approaches to how I could make it through until I figured out my next move. I knew I had to figure out how to be someone I could be proud of despite the fact that the workplace felt like it was sapping my soul.

I had to deal with improperly (or un-)communicated expectations. This was my failing. In retrospect, I made a mistake: I had one understanding of what it meant when I was going out on my own. And I didn’t communicate that to my partner. This is lesson in remarkable relationships that Don and I talk about over and over again. If only I had Don on speed dial back then. Live and learn. I would have taken a more straightforward stance in communicating with my partner. Don even gives me a script for how I could have handled this differently in our recording. Love those “quick scripts.”

Over and over again in this conversation, Don and I uncovered the theme of discomfort as a catalyst for change. This can also be extremely valuable as you uncover your calling. What makes you feel super pumped and energized? And what feels like a clear, “No!”

Finally, we dove into practical tips for figuring out what you should be doing with your life. It boiled down to a few simple questions: What do people ask you about all the time? What FEELS good to you? What brings you alive? And, what are you really proud of yourself for accomplishing or overcoming?

We’d love to hear from you.

Tell us what you do to stay positive at work.

What do you feel called to do? Have you answered the call yourself?

How did you know it was time to heed that internal or higher direction?

We wish you courage and confidence as you follow your dreams in 2018, and we will be right here beside you along the way!

The holidays are kicking in high gear. Are you ready for it? Do you have your “happy face” on?

Yeah right.

For some the holidays are more harried than happy. While others complain that the holidays are simply horrible. Yet when the day arrives we say, “Happy Hanukah”, “Happy Holidays”, or “Merry Christmas”.

Why is it that we feel less than happy as we enter the season? The answer to this question is complex.

Some folks are sad over recent losses that occurred. Others are trying to cope with major health problems. While many are happy about their year-end bonus, some people were handed a pink slip.

One common theme I hear– “family relationships can be really trying during the holidays.”

Over the years I have had my share of unhappy holidays. Being divorced with kids was tough, especially navigating schedules and expectations. I remember feeling anguished when my kids were absent at family events. Boy, did I have to work hard to keep the happy in my holidays. It wasn’t easy. I’m relieved those days are over!

The holidays are meant to be happy occasions.

Here are 3 simple ways to keep the happy in the holidays.

“Hustle and bustle”once described the holidays. Now it reflects daily life. People are busy 24/7. We need time to pause and reflect on the good things in life.

One good thing about the holidays for most people is the extra time off you have from work. A few extra days off work allow you time to rest and give more attention to the things in life that matter. Your life may not be perfect, but I am sure you can find plenty of things to be happy about.

If you want to keep the happy in the holidays take time to count your blessings. Make a list. You may be surprised how really good things are in your life.

Once you count your blessings you will find plenty of reasons to be thankful this holiday season. A grateful heart makes a happy person.

It is interesting to me that the happiest people I meet are not the ones who have everything they need. Rather it is the people who have gone through hardship and learned to appreciate the little things they used to take for granted.

If you want to keep the happy in the holidays show gratitude to the people in your life you take for granted. You can even find something nice to say to family members who try your patience. Infusing a happy attitude in the holiday setting will rub off on others. Try it for yourself!

Holidays are a time for family members to connect. Young adults return from college. Married kids travel with grandkids in tow. Relatives arrive from out of town. Expectations are high for a good time. In a perfect world things work out. I haven’t found the perfect world yet.

Don’t base your happiness on meeting the expectations of everyone in the family. You will feel miserable! Nor should you go into the holidays preloaded with a negative attitude. Instead, choose to be happy as your way of enjoying the holidays.

People react to negativity. Yet they also respond to positivity. If you choose your attitude no matter what others do, you can keep the happy in the holidays. Count on some to push your buttons. Choose not to give in. Focus on those who share your goal to be happy. If you have a happy attitude it will bring most, if not all of your family together.

Now it’s your turn

What do you plan to do to keep the happy in your holiday? If you don’t know where to begin, I recommend you make a list of the things for which you are thankful. Go to one or more of the people you are grateful for and thank them for the good they bring in your life.

If you have ideas to contribute to the discussion on how to keep the happy in the holidays I welcome it! Feel free to comment below or on one of my social media sites.

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You can find yourself in unnecessary conflict after you get married. For example, have you ever been in trouble with your spouse and not sure what you did wrong?

Confused right? This happens a lot, especially to guys.

Or suppose you end a long work week and look forward to a romantic evening with your new husband. So you leave work early to prepare a surprise candlelight dinner . However, he’s looking forward to hang with the guys, something he’s done every Friday night for the past few years. He arrives home, greeted by a passionate kiss and led to the candlelit dining room. The look on his face is not what you expected.

He’s frustrated. “You know it’s my night out with the guys!”

You’re crushed. “I thought Friday night would be our date night.”

Who’s wrong?

Neither. They were operating off assumptions.

Both. They did not discuss expectations.

One of the early pitfalls of marriage is starting off with a set of expectations you assume your partner shares.

To avoid this let’s look at 5 things to talk about before you get married.

You may not be able to sketch every detail of your life from now until you die, but what about the larger brush strokes? What do you envision for yourself?

Reflect on two levels.

◉ As an independent adult

◉ As an interdependent spouse

Who do you want to become? What do you want to achieve in life? These questions address your expectations as an independent adult.

How does my personal ambition mesh with being married? What do I want a spouse to understand about me? These questions address your expectations as an interdependent spouse.

Once you are clear with yourself on what you envision, share this with your fiancé.

Be clear with yourself first what you want out of marriage. You’d be surprised how many people don’t take the time to reflect on this.

Most of us have a collection of expectations stored in memory by simple observation. We watch our parents, relatives, neighbors, friends, and movies about marriage. From this collection of images we form opinions about what we want and don’t want out of marriage.

Talk with your fiancé about what you don’t want out of marriage. Clarify for him or her what you do want.

Once you envision what you want for your life and are clear what you want out of marriage it is time to clarify with your partner your expectations about roles and responsibilities.

This is a series of conversations that begins when you find someone you hope to marry. When the relationship enters a monogamy stage it’s time to open up with each other about what you want. These conversations will explore the degree of compatibility in your relationship, to determine if you are a good fit.

Moving into engagement it is important you talk about roles and responsibilities you will encounter in marriage. Here the goal is to collaborate and negotiate expectations that are mutually beneficial.

Money is the number one thing couples argue over. One of the major reasons why this happens is because couples do not discuss values and approaches to managing money.

Before you become engaged have conversations about money. Why? Because you don’t want to be surprised by concealed debt or poor money management that will cause problems at the onset of marriage.

Be honest with each other about how you manage your finances. If you’re good at it, great! If not, open up about your struggles and discuss strategies that can be taken to learn how to manage money. The goal here is to tackle problems ahead of time.

Intimacy is a subjective term. Defining what it means and how you experience it is a personal matter. Understanding what it means to your partner is equally important.

Conversations that help you both define intimacy and express your expectations and needs is ongoing throughout the life of your relationship.

The goal is to be mindful of what each of you need to experience intimacy. This will help you achieve mutual intimacy on a regular basis.

While you may plan your life to go a certain way, life has twists and turns. The unexpected happens. Also, as you grow older your needs change.

Circumstances change, so do needs. Plan to have conversations about expectations the rest of your married life.

Smart couples prepare for change by having ongoing conversations about expectations and needs. Doing this will help you find answers to the question, “What do you need from me?”

I hated this when my parents did it. My kids hated it when we did it too. When I talk with kids in my office, this is the one thing they dislike the most about their parents.

Constant fighting.

Conflict is normal. How it is expressed, resolved, and managed determines the level of effect it has on kids growing up in the environment.

Parents who resolve conflict quickly and respectfully model positive behavior on conflict-resolution, which is actually good for kids to see.

If you constantly fight it creates instability in the family environment. Whether it’s in front of the kids or not, they will detect it and will feel distress.

Destructive fighting – screaming, threats to leave, name-calling, physical aggression, and cold war tactics all are extremely damaging to kids. Cold war (non-verbal) and other forms of avoidant behavior in couples have even more negative effect on kids. Hostility they can see. Avoidance indicates something is wrong but they don’t know what it is, but they feel it and it scares them.

Parents who fight often place strain on family relationships. Kids may not say much, but don’t think for a moment that it doesn’t affect them.

A 2002 UCLA study found that kids who grew up on a home with constant fighting had more physical, emotional, and social problems in adulthood than kids in a control group.

Kids become distraught, anxious, and worried about the marriage.

Some kids disengage, withdraw, and isolate from the family.

Some kids try to get in the middle as ref or peacemaker.

Other kids may act out in disruptive behavior on parents, siblings, or in social settings.

Physiological reactions to stress increase sickness.

Psychological problems impact health and developmental growth.

Higher cortisol levels (stress hormone) in kids in high conflict homes than kids in peaceful homes.

Impact on academic development due to worry, inability to concentrate, depression, etc..

From infancy to late adolescence the effect of constant fighting harms kids.

Constant fighting is “indirect child abuse”.

In a book on the effect marital conflict has on children and teens, author E. Mark Cummings wrote “kids don’t get used to it”  (Marital Conflict and Children: An Emotional Security Perspective)

This is the “come to Jesus” moment in your marriage that what you’re doing is causing severe harm to the children you love dearly. You need to have a sobering conversation taking mutual ownership.

No more finger-pointing. Identify how you specifically see your kids affected.

Take action right away. Wave the white flag and agree to be civil.

Develop a few simple rules of engagement to keep conflict from getting out of control.

The “elephant in the room” is your constant fighting.

Own your fault by admitting to your kids that this constant fighting is wrong and that you plan to address it together.

Make yourselves accountable to the kids to do something about it.

This is time to be clear on what you vow to work on changing. Here’s a few examples to get you thinking.

Don’t allow pride to get in your way. Knowing constant fighting causes indirect abuse to your kids, it is imperative you reach out for help.

Personal counseling can help with anger or stress management.

Marital counseling or coaching can help you develop communication and conflict-resolution skills.

Is this one thing a problem in your family? Now that you know the impact, what will you do next?

The look in this coworker’s eyes really disturbs me. It reflects the fear many individuals described in MeToo tweets in recent months. No one should ever be subjected to the sexual advances from a person of power in the workplace.

#metoo is empowering individuals to come forward and report sexual harassment and abuse in the workplace. Perpetrators of harm are on notice that a day of reckoning has come and victims will be silent no more.

Beginning with Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein, an unmasking of sexual predators within media and government institutions is bringing a heightened awareness of the epidemic of sexual harassment in the workplace. Victims are primarily women, although a few men have also reported assault. In every case exposed thus far, the perpetrators have been men in positions of power.

No institution is safe to work in. Sexual harassment, abuse, or pedophilia in churches and schools is happening daily. 800,000 children are missing each year in America and many are being trafficked in the black market.

Sexual exploitation is an insidious virus infecting our society, doing great harm to innocent, vulnerable individuals. My hope is that the current purge in mainstream media will serve notice to all who hold positions of power that abuse in the workplace will no longer be tolerated. It cannot be ignored or covered-up.

As a business owner, I am in a position of power. A staff of 8 counselors work under my direct supervision. Additionally, I have clients who expect me to provide a safe space for them to talk about their personal problems. On occasion, clients disclose incidents of sexual harassment or abuse in the workplace. The emotional scars they bear is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

If you are in a position of power listen closely. With power comes great responsibility. See how the mighty have fallen! It could happen to anyone of us.

To avoid this, let me share 3 things people in positions of power can learn from #metoo.

People are looking to you for leadership, not lordship. The use of power to manipulate or control people for selfish purposes is actually a sign of weakness. Your position does not give you unlimited rights over your workers. 

Instead, use your power to create a safe and healthy environment that fosters growth. Set clear expectations about respectful behavior in the workplace and take the lead in modeling it for your team.

People in positions of power are usually called upon to perform important or difficult tasks. They are often applauded by others and given recognition.

Entitlements also come in positions of power. Perks, like a priority parking spot, corner office, or company car, etc… can quickly inflate your ego if you’re not careful. 

How one handles success is very important. If you let it get to your head then it can become an Achilles heel that will eventually ruin your career. On the other hand, if you maintain a true sense of yourself, you will have greater positive impact on others.

Perpetrators of harm believe others exist to serve their needs. They use their power to manipulate or coerce others to fulfill their pleasure. The environment they create is unsafe and others secretly fear them.

Servant leadership focuses on the safety and welfare of the workers. They are not predators. Rather, they protect you and act swiftly to rid the environment from them.

Servant leaders also focus on meeting needs, and providing opportunities for growth for workers. Their mindset is: “It’s not about me. It’s about we.”

People respect and want to work harder for leaders who serve. Therefore, servant leaders have longevity and low turnover among workers.

What other lessons can people in positions of power learn from #metoo? Leave your comments below.

Sometimes gratitude is hard to find. Consider what’s happened in America and along our southern border in 2017:

Hurricane Maria in the Dominican Republic

Hurricane Irma in Florida

Hurricane Harvey in Texas

Earthquake in Mexico

Fires in Sonoma, CA

Shooting attack on lawmakers playing baseball in Washington DC

Vehicle attack in Charlottesville, VA

Shooting attack in church service in Antioch, TN

Sniper attack in Las Vegas

Vehicle attack in NYC

Shooting attack in church service in Sutherland Springs, Tx

Maybe you were not directly impacted by these events but were you touched by one of these problems?

Financial disaster

Relationship ending, divorce

Death in family or friendship

Suicide

Overdose

Loss of employment

Serious or terminal illness

Serious injury or impairment

I know what it’s like to go through hardship on a holiday. Twenty years ago on the eve of Thanksgiving my first marriage collapsed. 

Major events or problems can have a serious negative impact on your life if you allow it.

Hardship can rob you of happiness, or general contentment. It may lead you to worry excessively. 

Or maybe it leaves you with a jaded your outlook on life. For some it causes depression. Relationships also suffer.

An antidote to cope with hardship is expressing gratitude. Here are 3 reasons why expressing gratitude in not-so-good-times is good for you.

[Tweet “An antidote to cope with hardship is expressing gratitude.”]

A major problem or catastrophe can get a firm hold on your life and occupy your thoughts incessantly. It can bleed into all areas of your life making everything difficult.

Finding gratitude in tough times is not simple, it takes effort on your part, but when done it can loosen the grip a problem has on your life.

Expressing gratitude prevents tunnel vision from jading your perspective. You can see light at end of the tunnel. Renewed hope can shift the power your way and give you better control over the problem.

If you live in America, consider yourself blessed in comparison to third world countries. We have a meltdown over poor internet connection while people in Venezuela wonder if they will have food today.

I recently joined Charity Water and sponsor building fresh water wells in impoverished areas.

One of the ways to combat the negativity that comes with major problems is to focus on the positive things in your life that you take for granted.

You’re divorced from your spouse but your kids remain in your life

You didn’t get a promotion but you still have a job

You’re health is good

You have a place to live and food to eat

You have a great family and friends

Gratitude for things we have makes the problem we’re going through less threatening.

Every problem we face presents an opportunity for growth. It is important that we adopt a learning mindset.

There is a difference between “being thankful for a problem” vs “being thankful in a problem”.

Nobody asks for problems. To be thankful for a problem sounds fake.

Being thankful in a problem suggests that one’s attitude going through it is to find good in the not-so-good. It is learning about yourself, learning about others, and learning about life.

Gratitude shifts focus from pain to a new perspective and clearer path for your life going forward.

What is a not-so-good thing you are going through? Using the 3 reasons, how do you want to express gratitude this Thanksgiving holiday? Here are some ideas.

Journal your reflections.

Share it with family or friends on Thanksgiving Day.

Or, leave a comment below.

My top 3 parenting tips are likely to surprise you. You won’t find them listed in best-selling books on the subject. In fact, you might argue that they have nothing to do about parenting at all! Be that as it may, I routinely find myself sharing these tips with parents I coach.

I’m going old school on you today.

Parenting is a lot different now than when I was a kid. Parents today invest way more time, energy, and money into their kids with less results.

From dawn to dusk parents are focused on making sure their kids have what they need to succeed in life. Nothing wrong with this right? 

The amount of attention and the battle for control between parents and kids is exhausting!

Parents today struggle

Getting their kids to go to school or at least get there on time

Getting their kids to do homework without their supervision

Getting their kids to and from multiple activities (school programs, sports, music, etc…)

Getting their kids to do basic chores: picking up after themselves, making bed, etc…

Getting their kids off electronic devices

Getting their kids to bed on time

Contrast this to earlier generation of parenting.

Kids were expected to go to school

Absences were not allowed unless child was truly sick

Homework was child’s responsibility to complete with minimal parental assistance

Participation in sports/arts was limited

Kids had chores

Kids had considerable unstructured time to play

So, what is different between the generations? 

In one simple term–leadership.

Parents established and maintained authority over their children by balancing love and limits. They set expectations and enforced consequences. Kids learned to obey and respect their parents.

What was the result?

Fewer power struggles with kids

Kids had more autonomy

Parents had more free time

Less stress, more connection in the family

Kids are looking to their parents for leadership. They want you to be in control and this starts with yourself first. Kids react to parents who are routinely stressed out. They will push your buttons. Deep down they want you to lead your family out of the chaos.

So, how do you bring leadership to your family? Here are my top 3 parenting tips you cannot afford to skip over.

Families on the run is a crisis in our society! It is tearing families apart. A typical family today is on the go, moving in different directions, stressed out, and disconnected.

Over-involvement in activities is not healthy for your kids or family. You need more evenings and weekends at home to replenish your energy and connect with each other.

Parents want to pour into their kids things that that will help them succeed. The most important thing to pour into them is you—building a relationship with them. You cannot do this sitting in the stands.

Cut back on the amount of activities you schedule for your kids. Reduce the amount of work you bring home. 

Have dinner together at home. Go for walks. Play board games.

You must pour into yourself before you pour into them. If your tank is empty you have nothing of quality to give your kids. A stressed-out parent produces stressed-out kids!

Time invested in personal growth and self-care will help you stay connected to yourself. This allows you to give the best of yourself to your kids.

Give yourself one or two activities you do for personal enjoyment, to de-stress, and develop your inner self.

Kids are negatively impacted by a distressed marriage. Their base of security and development is correlated to the health of their parent’s marriage.

The most important parenting skill is building a strong marriage.

Once you get control of your calendar (tip #1) it will free you up to invest more time in your marriage. Think in terms of “pockets of time” and “planned time” together.

If your marriage is in a bad spot, invest time in marriage counseling/coaching. I find this often helps couples get back on track.

[Tweet “The most important parenting skill is building a strong marriage.”]

Trust me, these are parenting tips you cannot afford to skip over. They establish your leadership in the family.

What are one or two things you can do right now to get control over your calendar?

I get asked this question a lot.

You’re doing your best to be a dutiful son or daughter, but never seems good enough for your parent. Instead you hear complaints, criticisms, or negative comments that get under your skin.

Do you often feel a pit in your stomach when your mom or dad calls? You brace yourself, not knowing what’s coming next, but certain it will disrupt your flow.

Some parents are masters in manipulation. Guilt is a primary means to get their way. They also have a knack for spoiling a day by acting selfishly.

These types of parents are:

demanding

inflexible

self-centered

entitled

inconsiderate of others

Adults who fit this pattern often have traits of a personality disorder. Common types include narcissism, border-line, or histrionic.

So in response to the leading question, “What do I do…?” let me share some things that will help.

A common mistake adult children make is expecting a parent to behave nicely all the time. They keep expecting their loved-one to change.

Unfortunately, personality disorders are generally fixed and resist change. It takes a longterm commitment to therapy and most individuals with this form of mental illness avoid counseling.

In order to co-exist with a parent with a personality disorder you have to accept the person for who they are, not what you want them to be.

To cope you have to lower your bar. Don’t expect them to behave nicely or demonstrate reciprocity on a regular basis. They may do it occasionally. However, for the most part they are self-centered.

This may be difficult to accept. You may need to grieve the relationship you wish you could have with your parent. By lowering the bar you protect your heart from hurt over unmet expectations.

One of the first things you need to do to set limits, is get comfortable using the word “no”. The days of dropping everything or changing your plans are over.

Use a polite but firm “no” when the occasion calls for it. Weather the guilt storm and hold your position. Your parent may pout, but he/she will eventually get over it.

Set limits also on rude or disrespectful behavior. You don’t have to listen to it if you don’t want to. Here’s an example of what you might say.

Your parent raised you from birth. Surely you have some positive memories about this relationship. Don’t lose sight of them. Hold on to the good!

Maintaining respect is key. One of the ways you can do this is by separating the person from the personality disorder. Do your best to love your parent. Keep negative emotions in check.

Try to avoid cutting a parent out of your life. Instead, maintain contact with healthy boundaries. As your parent ages, do your best to show dignity by being kind and caring.

Is your parent making your life a living hell? Review the 3 ways you can cope better. Try working on them. If you need more support I encourage you to seek counseling.