All About We

By All About WeEducation Self-Improvement

All About We episodes

June 23, 20174 Benefits You Can Expect By Setting Boundaries
Feeling exhausted? Is your calendar running out of empty space? The excuse “it’s that time of year” no longer fits. This is the story of your life.
Do you feel like you’re always giving to others but get little in return? Always giving in but rarely getting your needs met.
Tired of the drama drain some people bring?
If you answered “yes” to this series of questions then you can benefit from setting boundaries.
If you want a healthy life and remarkable relationships set boundaries with others.
Next week I get into how you can get better at setting limits with others. For now let’s look at 4 benefits you can expect when you do.
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#1: You can expect more respect
Respect is a byproduct of good boundaries.
Respect comes in two forms:
Self-respect: you feel good about yourself because you are advocating for your rights.
Respect from others: most people will honor your boundaries and respect you for being clear with them on your limits, or how you prefer to be treated.
#2: You can expect your needs met more often
Often the cause of our complaints about not getting our needs met is because we are not strong advocates. An assertive voice is missing. If you’re not using your voice how will others know what you need from them.
Setting boundaries is being clear with others about:
What your limits are in a given situation
What you can do – “Here’s what I can do about…”
What you can’t do – “I’m sorry, but I am unable to…”
What you’re needing in the moment – “I just need some space right now”
Here is an example of a couple setting a boundary with friends about a social activity that competes with their need for rest.
“I know you would like for us to attend the event today, but we are exhausted and can really use some down time. We are going to take a pass this time.”
#3: You can expect less drama in your life
People with poor boundaries experience a lot of drama. Chaotic people create drama. Compliant people absorb drama.
Once you set boundaries with chaotic people you will have less drama. You will feel more calm and live in a more peaceful existence.
#4: You can expect more meaningful connections
Boundaries have the opposite effect than one might expect. It actually draws people closer to you! Not the chaotic people. They may cut you off. Or at least you can live within a safe emotional distance from them.
On the other hand, people who respect your boundaries will likely admire you more and enjoy your company.
Spouses who honor your boundaries will show you more respect. It can even increase attraction!
Now it’s your turn
4 benefits that await you. Next blog I will help you learn how to be good at boundary setting.
Check out the All About We Podcast to learn more about the benefits of setting boundaries. Click the play button at the top of the page.
38 min
June 17, 2017 10 lessons I learned about being a dad from my dad
My dad died 23 years ago. I still miss him. Even as I typed that sentence, I got choked up. So much of my adult life I didn’t get to share with him. I feel robbed. But then again, I also feel blessed to have him in my life.
In honor of Father’s Day I want to share some lessons I learned from my him. Much of it was caught. Dad was a man of few words. Some of the things I learned he did not model. These are things I wish he did differently. So I include them here too.
5 Things I Learned to do from my dad
#1: Develop a good work ethic
Dad was an electrician and worked for the railroad his entire career. I don’t recall him ever calling in sick. He often worked overtime. For much of his career my dad worked 3rd shift.
When I was a little boy, he introduced me to the term “chores”. My first chore was taking out the garbage. I still remember how he walked me through the entire process until I got it right. Dad made it very clear, “In our family everyone makes a contribution. You’re old enough now to do your part. Work is a part of life.”
#2: Be responsible with money
In the sixties, my parents were a prototype of dual income earners. That’s another reason why chores were important. Everyone had to pitch in.
We were a middle-class household and my parents made sure we had what we needed. I got an allowance and my dad taught me the value of saving.
When I bought my first car, I was short a few hundred bucks and he lent me the remaining amount from money he had stashed in a coffee can “in case of emergency”. After he died, we found a few more of those coffee cans! By the way, he charged me interest on the loan–not to make money, but to prepare me for adult life.
#3: Make marriage a priority
One of many things that impressed me about my parent’s marriage is that once a week they went out alone together. Usually it was in the afternoon and afterward they’d bring some food home for us.
Date night and morning walks are two of the ways Marian and I stay connected.
#4: Spend quality time together as a family
Saturday nights after dinner our family would gather in the living room. My dad played a ukulele. My parents would teach us sing-along songs: country, bar room, spirituals, and 60s music we listened to like the Beatles and Monkeys. Dad was the happiest when he had his kids and grandkids gathered in our home.
#5: Be willing to sacrifice for the family
My dad grew up during The Depression. His parents split up and his father left with the oldest son and moved out to the northwest. Without any means of support, as a young boy, my dad was in a parentified role. He had to hustle and beg to get food for the rest of the family. He didn’t have a childhood.
In adult life, dad often worked overtime to make extra money for the family. He did not want us to experience the suffering he did. Later, when his mother had a stroke, dad invited grandma in our home and we were her caretakers until the day she died.
5 Things I Learned Not Do From My Dad
As you can see there are things my dad did that had a positive impact. Yet, there are some things I wish he did differently. Here some lessons I learned from what was missing in his life.
#1: Don’t be ruled by fear. Be willing to take risks.
One of the things that I didn’t understand about my dad was his “play it safe approach”. He worried about a lot of things. We never traveled further than Indiana on vacation. This is one example.
Now I understand my dad. His childhood experiences caused anxiety. He battled it his entire life. Worry was an obstacle.
In my early adult years I made a decision not to be ruled by fear. I prefer to face it and take risks to try new things. Needless to say, I have ventured far beyond the Indiana border and have made career choices that take me out of my comfort zone.
#2: Don’t be silent. Encourage your kid’s potential.
As a boy, one of the things I wanted from my dad was validation. I wanted him to see my potential and encourage my path. Because my dad did not have his dad around, he had to rely on himself. He didn’t get validation either.
As a dad, I make it a priority to encourage my kids and grandkids to reach their potential.
#3: Don’t be emotionally disconnected
Dads who emerged from The Depression and World War II were not very good at being emotionally tuned in to their kids. From a young age my dad had to suppress his feelings and focus on taking care of his mom and siblings. From what I know he didn’t get any emotional support until he married my mom.
As a dad, I strive to be emotionally connected to the people around me. I do my best to open up and share my feelings with others. Near the end of his life my dad and I had some deep conversations I treasure.
#4: Don’t be socially isolated
I don’t recall dad having buddies. He talked about guys he knew in the Navy. However, I never seen him go out socially with friends. He spent his time with mom and his kids.
Early in my adult life I was so occupied with family and work responsibilities I didn’t make time for friendships. Eventually, I decided to fill this void with quality male relationships. I belong to a “band of brothers” who do life together and have each other’s back.
#5: Don’t ignore your health
The first time I ever saw my dad address a medical problem was when he was 63 years old. He died later that night. He had retired about a year or so earlier. Had he taken his health more seriously, no doubt he would have been around much longer.
Lesson for me–don’t ignore your health. I do annual check-ups and address health concerns immediately. Exercise is a staple in my life. I follow a moderation plan with food and alcohol.
Now it’s your turn
These are things I learned from my dad that have benefited my life immensely. How about you? What have you learned from your dad? Leave comments below.
48 min
June 02, 20177 Kid-Safety Rules for Divorce
Couples in broken marriages want out, but what often keeps them in is fear over how divorce may impact their kids. “Our marriage is broken but do we want to break up the family?”
So they work hard to repair the marriage. In some cases too much damage is done and it cannot be fixed. Divorce is imminent. Now the concern is: “How do we do this and minimize harm inflicted upon the kids?”
The answer is perspective.
Divorcing couples need a shift in perspective
Don’t look at the transition purely from an adult lens.
See divorce through the eyes of your child.
7 Kid-safety rules for divorce
These rules make sense from a kid’s perspective and should guide adult behavior. The 7 rules are an acronym spelling DIVORCE.
#1:Don’t put your kids in the middle
Kids face enough pressure adjusting to divorce, don’t add to it by putting them in the middle. Here are 3 “no-no” behaviors:
choosing sides

relaying messages

dumping your feelings
#2: Interfering in their relationship with the other parent is off limits
Consider it a crime against your child’s human right. Interfering is psychologically harmful and in some cases abusive. It can take the form of weaponizing your child to harm your ex. Be careful, it can come back and bite you in the butt when your kids are older and understand what you’ve done.
#3: Venting feelings is for kids only
Kids need to process their reactions to the divorce. Give them the freedom to vent without judgment or guilt. If their angry at your ex-spouse, don’t encourage it. Simply validate it. Make them feel safe to be angry at you too.
Do not vent your feelings about your ex to your kids. You can talk in general about how divorce is hard but don’t seize the opportunity to unload negative sentiment you have toward your ex on your kids.
Find another outlet to vent your feelings.
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#4: Operate better as co-parents than you did as spouses for their sake
You may be relieved you’re out of your marriage but you are not out of your obligation to parent together. Your kids need you to function respectfully as a team
It’s time to put on your adult pants and work together. If it is hard perhaps you can get coaching from a family counselor.
If your ex-spouse is unwilling to participate then operate from this position –
“For the sake of our kids, I will operate respectfully and peacefully. I will not engage in uncivil conduct toward the other parent.”
#5: Reassure your kids that the divorce is not their fault
Kids may mistakenly assume it is their fault that the divorce happened. Reassure them that decision to divorce was a marriage problem, not a child-problem.
#6:Civility is standard behavior in front of the kids at all times
One of the most psychologically and emotionally damaging effect on kids is parents who are uncivil toward each other in front of the kids or in public settings. Make child transitions peaceable for their sake. Do not allow them to be caught in the crossfire of angry sentiment.
Compose yourself.
#7: Encourage the relationship between your kids and your ex-spouse
You divorced each other. Your kids did not divorce anyone. Consequently, their relationship with both parents must remain intact post-divorce. Here are some things you can do to encourage their relationship with your ex-spouse:
Make the transition positive. “Today dad is looking forward to take you to his house for the weekend. I hope you have a great time!”

Speak positively about the other parent. “Mom packed your favorite stuff animal. Mom always does cool stuff like that!”

Encourage your ex-spouse in their relationship with your kid(s). “You’re a great parent to our kids.”

Remember to take a positive approach when a new mate or step-parent is introduced into your kid’s dual family.
Now it’s your turn
Looking at divorce from the perspective of kids will make you think twice about how you approach parenting them through the transition. What rules are currently working? Which one(s) do you need to do a better job following?
35 min
May 27, 2017How to Help Your Kids Cope With Tragedy or Loss
We witnessed tragedy unfold this week in Manchester, England when 22 concertgoers, many of them kids, were killed in a horrifying terror attack. This is not a first occurrence. Sadly, it is becoming more common. Our world doesn’t feel safe anymore.
Coincidently, we are entering a Memorial Day holiday weekend here in the USA. It kicks off the summer season of picnics, barbecues, and outdoor fun. The holiday was established to commemorate soldiers who died in active duty.
We live in a time of war. Many of our citizens bear the emotional wounds of loved ones who died on the battlefield. My thoughts and prayers are with them at this time.
Kids Are Confronted By Tragedy and Loss
Kids encounter loss and in some cases tragedy, as we witnessed in Manchester this week. Coping with loss of any type is difficult for adults. For kids, it can be feel more harsh.
In recent days I sat with a family horrified by discovery a loved-one was murdered. The children are minus one parent.
On a personal level, two of my grandchildren suffered the untimely death of a parent when my son-in-law died at 30 years old. I also had a nephew die at 22.
Helping kids cope with tragedy or loss is a primary concern of parents.
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Two primary areas where loss impacts kids (and adults):
Sense of safety and security – “This makes me feel unsafe. How will I get through this?”
Sense of vulnerability – “Will it happen again?”
Kids who learned of the Manchester massacre may be afraid of going to concerts or other public events. People close to the event may develop PTSD.
Whether it’s loss by tragedy or untimely death, kids need help coping with loss.
Listen to the All About We Podcast interview on this topic. Click the play button above.
How to help your kids cope with tragedy or loss
#1: Restore a sense of safety
When loss or tragedy occurs, a child/teen’s sense of security is shaken. They have questions.
What will happen to me/us now?

Will more bad things happen?

Will someone else die?
At times like this kids need to feel safe. They need adults to restore a sense of security. Reassure your kids that you are here to create a safe environment. Remind them of the circle of support they have with family members, relatives, friends, school, church, etc..
#2: Normalize their experience by validating their thoughts and feelings
Create safe space for them to process what’s happening. Give them permission to express thoughts and emotions. Depending on the loss, the intensity can be low or extreme.
Do not try to suppress their feelings. Neither should you attempt to minimize what has happened. They will get through the loss sooner if you create a safe environment for emotional release.
An effective approach is to be an emotionally-coaching parent. Adopting a posture of calmness and reassurance, will have a direct effect on regulating the intensity of kids’ emotions.
Explain that grief doesn’t have a timeline. I often say to my clients who worry if their grief will ever subside, “Sadness will pass, but not today.”
Recognize and normalize the stages of grief at an age-appropriate level. Depending on the age of your kids you can validate their feelings and respond to their confusion by observing what stage of grief they experience.
Denial – “This cannot be happening!”

Anger – “Why is this happening? Who’s fault is it?”

Bargaining – “Can we make a deal here to bring my loved one back?”

Depression – “I’m too sad to go back to my life.”

Acceptance – “I’m at peace with my loss.”
#3: Maintain routines as best as possible under the circumstances
The world does not stop when loss or tragedy strikes. Kids’ school and activity schedules roll along. Your kids may not be ready to return to social activities right away. However, getting them back into routines at some point helps kids cope with loss. Adhering to a routine structure helps reset their baseline of security.
Inform school officials, coaches, etc… and discuss transition plan back to school.
#4: Discuss coping strategies they can use to get through the loss
The sooner your kids utilize coping strategies, the easier it will be to get through the loss. If they are old enough, I suggest you take a collaborative approach to finding ways to cope.
Starting a new activity, joining a club, something that gets them interacting with other kids

Art, music, journalling, photo album

Talking to friends, relatives, or other people they trust
Kids may be worried that they did something wrong to cause the loss. Blame is part of grieving, especially in the anger stage. Advise kids to avoid blaming themselves. Explain that some things happen in life that we cannot control.
Encourage your kids to take it easy on themselves. For awhile, life will go slower, things may be harder to do. Be prepared for your kids to struggle, perhaps in school or other activities. This is normal.
Consider talking to a professional if they show no signs of recovery within a few months.
#5 Help them keep the loved-one alive in their own way
Loss is a part of the cycle of life. Assimilating a healthy integration within families is key to help kids cope. Memories and legacy does not have to be buried with the departed. Helping your kids find a way to keep the loved-one alive is important.
Here are a few ideas:
Keep a memento

Re-live special moments, lessons learned, happy times

Celebrate special occasions

Scrap book, videos, special clothing, jewelry
Further Reading
Help for the Hard Times: Getting through loss – by Earl Harp (for teens)

Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 practical ideas – by Alan Wolfett

How it Feels When a Parent Dies – by Jill Krements

Lifetimes: A beautiful way to explain death to children – by Bryan Mellonie, and Robert Ingpen

The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses – by John W. James and Russell Friedman
Now it’s your turn
What have you done to help kids cope with loss? Perhaps you have an approach that may be helpful to other readers. Share your thoughts in the comment section or on social media.
27 min
May 20, 20173 Moves to Bring Respect Back in Your Family
It’s a standoff between parents and their two kids. Kevin and Heidi have finally come together to bring respect back into their marriage. Now it’s time to get Brandon and Stacy on board. However, the kids remain defiant, in mocked attire.
The picture above is taken from chapter 5 in my book that discusses how to bring respect back into your family. I’ll get to how these parents changed the family culture a little later.
For now, let’s focus on a major problem in families today.
Families are upside down!
The structure in many families is inverted. Kids have more power than parents. In the past, kids feared disappointing their parents. Today, parents fear their kids disliking them!
Kids control relationships in the family. They say the nastiest things to exert their power. What’s more disturbing is how parents tolerate this rude behavior.
How did families flip?
Why do kids today get a pass on behavior that would never fly in past generations? Is it that we have evolved as families into something more democratic? Or have kids usurped the authority of parents?
I can devote an entire blog to analyze the flip. Instead, I’ll focus on two primary culprits: fear and guilt. These negative emotions are primary motivators of current parenting styles.
Parents fear their kids failing.

Failing kids translates to failing parents.

Busy parents feel guilty they are not giving their kids enough of themselves.

Kids push the guilt button to get what they want.
Fear and guilt project weakness to kids–and they seize the opportunity to gain power and rule the family. Kids are not mature enough to wield adult power. It is critical that parents flip the family right side up again!
How do you do this? Here are 3 moves Kevin and Heidi made to bring respect back into their family.
First Move: Parents Model Respect with Each Other
You cannot expect from others what you don’t give.
“I’m your parent, show some respect!” – is not a good approach. Establishing respect lies squarely on the shoulders of parents.
You don’t demand respect. You command it.
The difference between “demanding” respect and “commanding” respect
Demanding is words and threats

Commanding is actions that make others feel safe and respected – based on how you treat people in all situations
Now the first move is to model respect in your marriage. I covered this in the blog last week. Parents model respect to their kids in the manner in which they interact with each other.
How they communicate: words, tone, non-verbals

How they work together to lead the family

How they handle problems, support each other

How they resolve conflict when it occurs in front of the kids
If you’re not good at this move, then I suggest you work on this. If you don’t get this down, it will be harder to get your kids on board.
Second Move: Parents Show Respect to their Kids
If you want to command the respect of your kids you must give it to them first. You don’t do it by caving in to their demands. Here are some target behaviors you want to show your kids.
Love your kids unconditionally. Don’t base love on behavior.

Set a positive tone when you interact.

Maintain emotional control in tense situations. Do not come unglued.

Listen with the intent to understand your kid.

Be firm in your position, maintaining control when they react negatively to limits you set.
If your kids don’t respect you, don’t expect it to turn on right away. This was a problem Kevin had to face with his kids. If you have been absent or too harsh it will take time and consistency of respectful behavior on your part to win their hearts.
Third Move: Parents Set the Bar of Respect for the Family
Kevin and Heidi got the first two moves down. Now it was time for the third. They had a “sit down” with their teens. In this meeting they set a bar of respect for the family.
It was a simple rule.
“Rudeness out. Respect in.”
No longer were Brandon and Stacy allowed to be rude to each other or their parents. If they had a problem they it had to be addressed respectfully.
The parents accomplished this by doing a two-step dance. The kids were expected to do a one step dance.
Parents: step in and step back

Kids: step up
Doing the two-step dance: stepping in and stepping back
#1: Stepping in to teach your kids a rule or expectation you have about respect
Teaching the rule – “rudeness is not tolerated in the family”

Linking the rule to a value – “we value respect in our family”

Explaining the consequence (+ or-) ahead of time – “if you act rudely you will restrict yourself from (fill in the blank) for the rest of the day.”
#2: Stepping back to observe the kids behavior about the rule
Looking for kids’ compliance

Being patient as they learn through testing limits
Kids do a one-step dance: stepping up
Now that they know the rules about showing respect it is up to them to step up their behavior.

It will take time for them to learn

Expect them to challenge the rule and test your leadership
#1a: Stepping in again to shape behavior
Initial warning that their behavior is leading toward a negative consequence

Enforcing a consequence when child refuses to show respect

Complimenting child on respectful behavior

Rewarding respectful behavior
In the book, Kevin and Heidi stand united against the opposition of their kids and hold to the rule of bringing respect back into the family. You also see Brandon and Stacy finally catching on and making the shift to get rudeness out and respect in.
Now it’s Your Turn
Is your family upside down? Tired of the disrespect? You’ve got three moves to bring respect back to your family. What’s your next move going to be?
39 min
May 13, 2017How to Bring Respect Back to Your Relationship
The image above describes it. This couple is tired of fighting and acting ugly.
Disrespect is getting old. It’s time for a change.
So, they make a decision–together. Let’s shed the ugly costumes and act nice.
Going forward, let’s show mutual respect.
Bringing respect back
Isn’t it time we bring respect back? There appears to be a void of respect in society. Differences are expressed in contempt. As I wrote in my book Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict, ‘Our society has lost respect for respect.”
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Society aside, does respect permeate your family relationships? How about your marriage? Do you exhibit self-respect?
The image above headlines chapter 4 in my book. The couple has been through a lot of marital and parental issues. They realize pointing fingers at each other only makes matters worse. Furthermore, it is causing significant problems with their kids. The couple decides to call a truce and start showing some respect.
Check out the All About We Podcast where in an interview I break down the 6 steps in the Dance of Respect. Click the play button above.
How to bring respect back to your relationship
Bringing respect back is easier said than done–BUT done nonetheless it must be. So where do “we” begin?
#1: We begins with me.
If you wait until your spouse/partner shows you respect before you reciprocate it may never happen. Two people waiting on the other are two people stuck together in a dance of disrespect.
Are you proud of how you act toward your spouse? Do you show her/him respect on a regular basis? Or are you critical, rude, bossy, indifferent, defensive or dismissive?
If you are not proud, then it is time you act by disrobing the disrespect and learn the dance of respect. This 6-step approach I cover in chapter 2 of my book.
#2: Start doing little things that show respect.
No need to make a big announcement. Actions speak louder than words. Think about your demeanor when you interact with your spouse/partner. Focus on respect. Think: “How would I like to be treated?”
Here are some ideas about little things you can do:
When your mate speaks, look him/her in the eye. Show warmth. Look interested.

Give compliments and show appreciation for what they do.

Lend a helping hand. Do things without waiting to be asked. Try: “Anything I can help you with?”

Have your spouse’s back when the kids act disrespectful toward her/him.
#3: Ask your mate to join you in a dance of respect.
This step won’t work if you are not willing or attempting to do the first two. One of the biggest barriers to talking to a spouse/partner is pride. Relationships mired in disrespect are adversarial.
You want to come bearing an olive branch. You might say something like: “This is not a gripe about you, but a problem with us–the way we treat each other. I’m tired of it. I want us to bring respect back. How about you?”
I recommend you choose a time to make the request when you can have each other’s undivided attention.
Power down devices

Go to a restaurant, coffee shop, or bedroom to talk

Don’t start talking about specific issues

Focus on the negative pattern of disrespect you want to change
#4: Focus together on 3 basic things you can do to get started
Don’t try to overhaul your relationship at once. Focus on three basic things you can do to show mutual respect. Here are some ideas:
Be kind when interacting during the day

Pay compliments and say “thank you” for acts of kindness

Show eye contact when conversing and agree not to talk over each other

Listen well and paraphrase what you hear

Agree to be patient with each other

Own mistakes and apologize
Respect is an attitude of the heart. It conveys a strong caring disposition toward the other person. I encourage you to get back to the heart of it.
Now it’s Your Turn
4 basic things you can do to bring respect back to your relationship. It begins with you, not your spouse. (If your spouse is reading this, he/she is getting the same message!)
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Disrespect is insane! Why not try the dance of respect. For more on the dance, check out my book.
39 min
April 29, 20175 things you should NEVER have to give up for your spouse in marriage
I think it’s important to draw a line with your spouse in marriage. Don’t be confused by the picture above. This blog is not gender specific. It is for males and females.
I write a lot about couples adjusting to marriage and the expectations they bring to the relationship. It is a give and take process, with both sides needing to be open and flexible with each other.
Yet, there is area that is untouchable. It is off limits. You should NEVER have to give this up for your spouse.
If you give it away your marriage is doomed to failure.
Once you give it away, it is hard to get back. Not impossible–but it will take hard work on your part.
What is it?
It is your inner core–your center. Your SELF-IDENTITY.
When it comes to your self-identity it is important that you draw a line with your spouse.
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Are you in a symbiotic relationship?
A symbiotic relationship is one in which one person’s identity is absorbed by the other. This amounts to a loss of self and a one-sided relationship.
You should never feel obligated to give up who you are to make your mate happy. You own this space. Under no circumstances should you be expected to surrender your core self to your spouse.
I deal with this subject at length in my book:Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict.
Listen to the All About We Podcast. I share the most powerful way you can draw a line with your spouse. Click the play button above.
Here are 5 things you should never have to give up for your spouse.
Never give up your boundaries in marriage
Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves or with others to feel safe and be healthy. Here are two examples:
Personal limit: food and alcohol intake to maintain good health.

Interpersonal limit: holding to your “no” with others in a matter of personal concern
Maintaining personal boundaries is about self-respect. How you want to be treated.
You have a right to exercise personal boundaries when a conflict with your spouse elevates. A respectful partner will honor your need for emotional and physical space when requested.
Personal boundaries include a level of comfort in sexual activity. You have a right and responsibility to express to your spouse what you like and don’t like. Exploration of sexual experiences must have mutual consent to proceed. A spouse’s “no” must be honored at all times. Violation of sexual boundaries is abuse.
Never give up your personal interests
Personal interests are part of your self-identity and seek expression. Pursuit of personal interests keeps your life interesting. One of the best things you can do for your spouse is support his or her personal interests.
Many of you know one of my favorite personal interests is playing basketball. I play twice a week. The other day I was driving my buddy home after playing when my wife called. She was on the speaker phone so he could hear our conversation. Here’s what he heard her say: “Hey big boy, how was basketball today? Did you dominate?”
Some spouses who do not share the personal interests of the other may feel threatened by them–and as a result try to guilt the person into giving them up.
Control over personal interests should always remain with you.
If your personal interests are getting in the way of your marriage or family life then it is important to examine it and either pair it back or put it on hold till later. Sometimes a spouse is not trying to take it away but to get their partner to manage it better. In situations like this, be open to feedback.
Never give up your personality
Personalities are formed early in life. They are somewhat fixed. If you’re an introvert, you should not feel compelled to become an extrovert.
Differences in personality can contribute to a healthy relationship. We seek in others what we lack in ourselves.
We need to feel comfortable in our own skin at all times. A spouse who constantly criticizes the other about the way the express their personality is lacking in acceptance.
Acceptance and tolerance of differences can go a long way in building a healthy marriage.
Never give up your close relationships
Many of our closest relationships pre-date marriage. Some marriage partners feel threatened by family and or friendship ties.
Spouse’s who attempt to form a wedge in these relationships are infringing on personal boundaries. Your partner does not have a right to dictate your relationships. Do not allow this!
Likewise, do not allow your close relationships to interfere in your marriage. Boundaries go both ways. The only exception is if your family and friends are legitimately concerned that your spouse is pulling you away, then you may want to consider what they’re saying.
Never give up your personal values
Moral, ethical, and spiritual values are in your domain of control. Do not think you have to give them up to a spouse who doesn’t agree.
Your values about money, politics, social issues, or any other subject is deeply personal and should be respected.
Dialog about values can be healthy and modifying your beliefs is normal. However, you should never feel pressured to change your values because your spouse doesn’t agree with them.
Sometimes the best choice is to agree to disagree.
Now it’s your turn
How are you doing protecting your self-identity? Are you giving away control of your life in one or more of these five domains? Maybe it’s time for you to start drawing a line. Choose one area to act.
43 min
April 23, 201710 ways to stop walking on eggshells
People walk on eggshells in their marriage or family relationships. Occasionally it happens when someone is having a bad day. That’s normal.
But when it’s a pattern, it’s a problem. Here’s some examples.
Some spouses are in constant dread that the other will
push their buttons
blame them for their mood or behavior
make them feel bad about themselves (shame, guilt, disregarded, rejected, unattractive, incompetent, inadequate)
be erratic, attacking, and disrespectful
Some kids can create an eggshell environment with negative mood, emotion, or behavior.
You feel it when they come out of their bedroom
Their attitude sets a negative, adversarial tone in the home
They can go off on a sibling or parent over something minor they turn into a major offense
Eggshell spreaders can be…
An alcoholic or drug addicted member of the household
A person with an untreated or poorly managed mood or anxiety disorder
A person with a personality disorder
A child or teen with emotional dysregulation challenges.
What it is like walking on eggshells.
Feel anxious– you don’t want to set them off
Feel responsible–for their moods and behavior
Feel guilty–like you did something wrong
Feel resentment–you don’t like how you’re treated but don’t feel like you have a voice
Feel unsure of how to act–second guess yourself
Feel a pit in your stomach
Check out my interview on this topic in the All About We Podcast. Click the play button at the start of this blog page.
Clearing the eggshells
Eggshells do not promote a healthy environment for family living. Ignoring them is not a good strategy. You cannot afford to keep making excuses and denying the severity of the situation. Yet, why is so hard to clear the eggshells?
What keeps you walking on them?
The unhealthy attachment – you keep getting drawn into a double-bind. “When things are good–they’re really good. When things are bad–they’re really bad. I’m tolerating the real bad for the real good.”

Your need to fix. “I can love this person into changing.”

Guilt. “It must be something I’m doing wrong.”

It’s my role or I’m obligated. “After all, I am the spouse and/or parent. I’m stuck.”

Low self-esteem, lack of self-respect. “It must be true. I deserve it.”
10 Ways to stop walking on Eggshells
Get out of the pattern of rescuing the person or taking responsibility for their problem. Ask yourself the question: “Whose problem is their mood or behavior?”

Stop trying to fix the person. Allow them a chance to learn from their mistakes. If they won’t learn then they will have to live with the consequences.

Own the pattern you have to break within yourself. By your response to poor behavior you teach the eggshell spreader how to treat you. If you refuse to confront and let things slide the message is “go ahead and treat me poorly, I can tolerate it.”

Get back to your authentic self. Live from the center. Go with your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, confront it respectfully. Use your active voice.

Detach with love. This is an Al-Anon concept. When the disrespectful behavior starts detach yourself from the situation. Loving the person does not equate with tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior.

Accept the person for who they are, not what you want them to be. Once you realize you cannot change them, you can modify your expectations and adjust your boundaries accordingly.

Set boundaries with the person. You don’t have to accept their rude behavior. Sticking to your boundaries over time will likely result in more respectful behavior toward you. You have to stick to your boundaries though.

Get out of the FOG – Fear, Obligation, Guilt of your emotional triggers. Do not allow FOG to direct your reaction to eggshell behavior. Check out: “Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier (1997)”

Memorize the 3Cs:
I didn’t cause it

I cannot control it

I cannot cure it

Establish a support system of trusted people who can help you to not lose site on reality. Walking on eggshells on a daily basis can take a toll on your ability to judge what is happening. Trusted people can help you get and maintain perspective.
Here are some book recommendations on how to deal with eggshell relationships.
Now it’s your turn
Are you tired of walking on eggshells? What can you do today to empower you to stop walking on them?
48 min
April 15, 20177 Ways to Keep Money From Messing Up Your Marriage
It’s income tax season. Stressful time for many households. It often sparks arguments over money. If only money was not a problem in marriage.
We fantasize how great things will be in our marriage and family if we
won the lotto
get the huge promotion
somehow struck it rich
Is the solution to your financial challenges simply more money? Or how you deal with it as a couple? Many assume more money means less stress and fewer arguments. If only it were that simple.
Here’s the deal.
Statistics on people who win the lotto:
About 70 percent of people who suddenly receive a windfall of cash will lose it within a few years, according to the National Endowment for Financial Education.
Marriages and families are often destroyed.
Statistics on American debt in 2016:
Average credit card debt for American households who carry debt is $16,048.00 at an average interest rate of 16.1%
At a minimum payment of 1.5% it would take 14 years to pay off the debt, totalling $40,200.00 of combined balance and interest payments.
How Money Can Mess Up Your Marriage
Money is not good or bad. It is neutral. Our relationship with money can make your marriage work well or it can mess it up !
Consider what the Bible has to say about the topic of money:
500 verses on prayer
fewer than 500 verses on faith
more than 2,000 verses on money.
15 percent of everything Jesus ever taught was on the topic of money
“The love of money is the root of all evil.”
Having a family is a significant financial investment.
Average cost to raise a child from birth to 18 years old is $300,000.00
How couples communicate about money will determine if it’s manageable or a mess. Let’s look at 3 pitfalls to avoid that can mess up your marriage.
Money Mismanagement
The problem may lay with one or both spouses. Some families spend more than they earn – living beyond their means. Before long, high balances are reached on one or multiple credit cards.
Couples who lack of rules about spending or no clearly defined budget are at risk for problems. Not just financially, but also in the relationship. Arguments erupt over spending habits, large purchases that were not discussed, or late notices.
Before long, retirement plans are in jeopardy, as couples are forced to dip into IRAs.
Some couples assume they will meet financial expectations eventually. This is referred to as “magical thinking” getting results without a plan, according to Forbes.
Deception or Betrayal
Some marriages are wrecked when one partner is lying to the other about their handling of finances. Lies may include income, spending, credit card debt. Individuals with spending or gambling addictions can rack up enormous debt under the radar.
Intentional non-disclosure of debts, risk investment loss, or other activity that threatens the financial security of the family is a form of betrayal that damages trust in marriage.
No Unified Approach
Here are a few of the problems that occur when couples do not have a unified approach to money matters.
Arguments over the differences in attitudes and approach to finances.
One carries the full weight of management.
Power struggles over spending.
Financial health is at risk.
Potential risks of not dealing with the mess
Digging deeper into debt.
Poor credit rating, higher interest rates
Potential loss of valuables: home, car, dreams of future, etc…
Effect on health
High risk of divorce
7 Things you can do to get out of the mess
#1: It starts with good communication
If you’re starting out, begin an ongoing conversation about your values, attitudes, and habits around money. The goal is to understand each other and come to compromise.
If you are in the pit you have to stop arguing or pointing fingers. Agree you have to come together and mutually work at finding and following a plan.
I dig deeper on how to communicate about money in the All About We Podcast. Click the play button above.
#2: Agree to not spend more than you earn during an average pay period
Develop the skill of saying “no” to yourself if it falls out of the parameters of what you agreed together to spend.
#3: If necessary, meet with a financial planner to establish a budget
If you cannot figure it out together or if you’re in a an endless cycle of conflict you need a third party to help. Don’t put it off. You will feel much better when you have a collaborated plan!
#4: Deal with your demons
If you have an addiction to gambling or spending get some help. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can stop on your own. If you lied or betrayed your spouse, own it and repair it.
#5: Make allowances for allowances
Couples work hard to earn income and provide for a family. As I said earlier, kids are expensive! Be that as it may, I recommend you make allowances for each of you to have an allowance on spending. This is non-discretionary money you can spend on yourself. Amounts should be discussed and based on your budget.
#6: Create a line item budget for marital investment
Notice I underscored investment. Your marriage needs time for enrichment. Allocate money for dates, activities, and occasional getaways.
#7: Think microscope (hear and now) and telescope (long-term future)
Years ago I worked with a couple who had some challenges in their views about money management. She was always worried about the current budget. He worried about the future. I said you have a microscope and telescope view. They agree both were important and needed equal “viewing”. I like their approach.
Now it’s your turn
Is money making a mess out of your marriage? What steps are you willing to take?
37 min
April 09, 2017How to Make Letting Go Easier on You
Every day I help people who find letting go of something difficult. I get their struggle. I’ve been there too.
Some things in life are hard to let go of.
Loss of a loved one
Hurt or betrayal
Resentment toward someone
End of a relationship
Acts of injustice toward you
Disappointments from others who let you down
Personal failures
Letting go may sound like simple advice from others, but really difficult to do. Something makes it hard to let go. It’s important to figure out what that is. Here are 4 steps to make letting go easier on you.
Click the play button above and listen to the All About We Podcast on this topic. My cohost Amanda Berlin interviews me on how this process works.
#1: Identify What Makes Letting Go Hard
When I observe a client struggling to let go of something I ask a question. “What makes letting go difficult for you right now?” The answers vary based on the event, but here are some common reasons:
Fear of what happens after letting go

Feeling responsible

Fear of having to trust again

Fear of the future

Feeling lost

Holding out for justice

Need to punish offender

Pride

Loss of control

Concern about how it will affect others
I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with is accepting the outcome. You’re holding on hoping for something you’re not going to get.
Your loved one won’t return

Justice is not forthcoming

You’re not getting an apology or restitution

Life is not going to be restored to how it was before
Now that you know what makes it hard to let go, let’s take a look at how it impacts your life now.
#2: Understanding How Holding On Negatively Impacts You
This is not easy to look at but can be a motivator to letting go. Holding on to something too long can start to have a negative impact in your life. Here are some common responses I hear when I ask the question, “How is holding on getting in the way of your life?”
Being stuck in life

Controlled by negative emotions

Impaired relationships

Prolonged feelings of grief or depression

Health problems

Jaded view of life

Loss of my true self
A common concern for people who struggle letting go is wasting time by holding on too long. As the Steve Miller song says, “Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.”
Perhaps it’s time to let go.
#3: Deciding It’s Time to Let Go
Coming to terms with the impact of holding on to something too long is key to letting go. So far you have done two things:
Identified what makes it hard.

Understand the negative impact it has on your life.
Now you have a decision to make. It requires two bold statements.
“I am no longer willing to remain stuck in time.”
“I will muster the courage to act.”
Now, let’s get into the act of letting go.
#4: Getting Into The Act of Letting Go
Letting go is not as catastrophic as you think. In fact, it can feel liberating! Letting go is a normal process every human being encounters in the course of life. Here are 10 action steps that will help.
Consider the benefits. How will my life be better?

Treasure the lessons you learned.

Letting go does not equate with letting bad people back in your life. Set healthy boundaries.

Remind yourself: “Life is not always fair!”

Accept that you are not getting what you hoped for or think you deserve.

Follow spiritual practices of letting go: releasing everything to God and trusting for a better future.

Write a letter or journal.

Release a balloon as a symbolic gesture.

Remember the good. Release the bad.

Involve a trusted friend, family member, spiritual leader, or professional counselor to support you.
Letting go and holding on can coincide. Let go of the person who will never come back. Hold on to the fond memories you have of life with the person. Carry their legacy.
Now it’s your turn
What are you holding on to that is time to let go of?
48 min

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