My dad died 23 years ago. I still miss him. Even as I typed that sentence, I got choked up. So much of my adult life I didn’t get to share with him. I feel robbed. But then again, I also feel blessed to have him in my life.

In honor of Father’s Day I want to share some lessons I learned from my him. Much of it was caught. Dad was a man of few words. Some of the things I learned he did not model. These are things I wish he did differently. So I include them here too.

5 Things I Learned to do from my dad

#1: Develop a good work ethic

Dad was an electrician and worked for the railroad his entire career. I don’t recall him ever calling in sick. He often worked overtime. For much of his career my dad worked 3rd shift.

When I was a little boy, he introduced me to the term “chores”. My first chore was taking out the garbage. I still remember how he walked me through the entire process until I got it right. Dad made it very clear, “In our family everyone makes a contribution. You’re old enough now to do your part. Work is a part of life.”

#2: Be responsible with money

In the sixties, my parents were a prototype of dual income earners. That’s another reason why chores were important. Everyone had to pitch in.

We were a middle-class household and my parents made sure we had what we needed. I got an allowance and my dad taught me the value of saving.

When I bought my first car, I was short a few hundred bucks and he lent me the remaining amount from money he had stashed in a coffee can “in case of emergency”. After he died, we found a few more of those coffee cans! By the way, he charged me interest on the loan–not to make money, but to prepare me for adult life.

#3: Make marriage a priority

One of many things that impressed me about my parent’s marriage is that once a week they went out alone together. Usually it was in the afternoon and afterward they’d bring some food home for us.

Date night and morning walks are two of the ways Marian and I stay connected.

#4: Spend quality time together as a family

Saturday nights after dinner our family would gather in the living room. My dad played a ukulele. My parents would teach us sing-along songs: country, bar room, spirituals, and 60s music we listened to like the Beatles and Monkeys. Dad was the happiest when he had his kids and grandkids gathered in our home.

#5: Be willing to sacrifice for the family

My dad grew up during The Depression. His parents split up and his father left with the oldest son and moved out to the northwest. Without any means of support, as a young boy, my dad was in a parentified role. He had to hustle and beg to get food for the rest of the family. He didn’t have a childhood.

In adult life, dad often worked overtime to make extra money for the family. He did not want us to experience the suffering he did. Later, when his mother had a stroke, dad invited grandma in our home and we were her caretakers until the day she died.

5 Things I Learned Not Do From My Dad

As you can see there are things my dad did that had a positive impact. Yet, there are some things I wish he did differently. Here some lessons I learned from what was missing in his life.

#1: Don’t be ruled by fear. Be willing to take risks.

One of the things that I didn’t understand about my dad was his “play it safe approach”. He worried about a lot of things. We never traveled further than Indiana on vacation. This is one example.

Now I understand my dad. His childhood experiences caused anxiety. He battled it his entire life. Worry was an obstacle.

In my early adult years I made a decision not to be ruled by fear. I prefer to face it and take risks to try new t...

Couples in broken marriages want out, but what often keeps them in is fear over how divorce may impact their kids. “Our marriage is broken but do we want to break up the family?”

So they work hard to repair the marriage. In some cases too much damage is done and it cannot be fixed. Divorce is imminent. Now the concern is: “How do we do this and minimize harm inflicted upon the kids?”

The answer is perspective.

Divorcing couples need a shift in perspective

Don’t look at the transition purely from an adult lens.

See divorce through the eyes of your child.

7 Kid-safety rules for divorce

These rules make sense from a kid’s perspective and should guide adult behavior. The 7 rules are an acronym spelling DIVORCE.

#1:Don’t put your kids in the middle

Kids face enough pressure adjusting to divorce, don’t add to it by putting them in the middle. Here are 3 “no-no” behaviors:

choosing sides

relaying messages

dumping your feelings

#2: Interfering in their relationship with the other parent is off limits

Consider it a crime against your child’s human right. Interfering is psychologically harmful and in some cases abusive. It can take the form of weaponizing your child to harm your ex. Be careful, it can come back and bite you in the butt when your kids are older and understand what you’ve done.

#3: Venting feelings is for kids only

Kids need to process their reactions to the divorce. Give them the freedom to vent without judgment or guilt. If their angry at your ex-spouse, don’t encourage it. Simply validate it. Make them feel safe to be angry at you too.

Do not vent your feelings about your ex to your kids. You can talk in general about how divorce is hard but don’t seize the opportunity to unload negative sentiment you have toward your ex on your kids.

Find another outlet to vent your feelings.

[Tweet “Kids need to process their reactions to the divorce. Give them the freedom to vent without judgment or guilt.”]

#4: Operate better as co-parents than you did as spouses for their sake

You may be relieved you’re out of your marriage but you are not out of your obligation to parent together. Your kids need you to function respectfully as a team

It’s time to put on your adult pants and work together. If it is hard perhaps you can get coaching from a family counselor.

If your ex-spouse is unwilling to participate then operate from this position –

“For the sake of our kids, I will operate respectfully and peacefully. I will not engage in uncivil conduct toward the other parent.”

#5: Reassure your kids that the divorce is not their fault

Kids may mistakenly assume it is their fault that the divorce happened. Reassure them that decision to divorce was a marriage problem, not a child-problem.

#6:Civility is standard behavior in front of the kids at all times

One of the most psychologically and emotionally damaging effect on kids is parents who are uncivil toward each other in front of the kids or in public settings. Make child transitions peaceable for their sake. Do not allow them to be caught in the crossfire of angry sentiment.

Compose yourself.

#7: Encourage the relationship between your kids and your ex-spouse

You divorced each other. Your kids did not divorce anyone. Consequently, their relationship with both parents must remain intact post-divorce. Here are some things you can do to encourage their relationship with your ex-spouse:

* Make the transition positive. “Today dad is looking forward to take you to his house for the weekend. I hope you have a great time!”

* Speak positively about the other parent.

How to help your kids cope with tragedy or loss

#1: Restore a sense of safety

When loss or tragedy occurs, a child/teen’s sense of security is shaken. They have questions.

* What will happen to me/us now?

* Will more bad things happen?

* Will someone else die?

At times like this kids need to feel safe. They need adults to restore a sense of security. Reassure your kids that you are here to create a safe environment. Remind them of the circle of support they have with family members, relatives, friends, school, church, etc..

#2: Normalize their experience by validating their thoughts and feelings

Create safe space for them to process what’s happening. Give them permission to express thoughts and emotions. Depending on the loss, the intensity can be low or extreme.

Do not try to suppress their feelings. Neither should you attempt to minimize what has happened. They will get through the loss sooner if you create a safe environment for emotional release.

An effective approach is to be an emotionally-coaching parent. Adopting a posture of calmness and reassurance, will have a direct effect on regulating the intensity of kids’ emotions.

Explain that grief doesn’t have a timeline. I often say to my clients who worry if their grief will ever subside, “Sadness will pass, but not today.”

Recognize and normalize the stages of grief at an age-appropriate level. Depending on the age of your kids you can validate their feelings and respond to their confusion by observing what stage of grief they experience.

* Denial – “This cannot be happening!”

* Anger – “Why is this happening? Who’s fault is it?”

* Bargaining – “Can we make a deal here to bring my loved one back?”

* Depression – “I’m too sad to go back to my life.”

* Acceptance – “I’m at peace with my loss.”

#3: Maintain routines as best as possible under the circumstances

The world does not stop when loss or tragedy strikes. Kids’ school and activity schedules roll along. Your kids may not be ready to return to social activities right away. However, getting them back into routines at some point helps kids cope with loss. Adhering to a routine structure helps reset their baseline of security.

Inform school officials, coaches, etc… and discuss transition plan back to school.

#4: Discuss coping strategies they can use to get through the loss

The sooner your kids utilize coping strategies, the easier it will be to get through the loss. If they are old enough, I suggest you take a collaborative approach to finding ways to cope.

* Starting a new activity, joining a club, something that gets them interacting with other kids

* Art, music, journalling, photo album

* Talking to friends, relatives, or other people they trust

Kids may be worried that they did something wrong to cause the loss. Blame is part of grieving, especially in the anger stage. Advise kids to avoid blaming themselves. Explain that some things happen in life that we cannot control.

Encourage your kids to take it easy on themselves.  For awhile, life will go slower, things may be harder to do. Be prepared for your kids to struggle, perhaps in school or other activities. This is normal.

Consider talking to a professional if they show no signs of recovery within a few months.

#5 Help them keep the loved-one alive in their own way

Loss is a part of the cycle of life. Assimilating a healthy integration within families is key to help kids cope. Memories and legacy does not have to be buried with the departed. Helping your kids find a way to keep the loved-one alive is important.

It’s a standoff between parents and their two kids. Kevin and Heidi have finally come together to bring respect back into their marriage. Now it’s time to get Brandon and Stacy on board. However, the kids remain defiant, in mocked attire.

The picture above is taken from chapter 5 in my book that discusses how to bring respect back into your family. I’ll get to how these parents changed the family culture a little later.

For now, let’s focus on a major problem in families today.

Families are upside down!

The structure in many families is inverted. Kids have more power than parents. In the past, kids feared disappointing their parents. Today, parents fear their kids disliking them!

Kids control relationships in the family. They say the nastiest things to exert their power. What’s more disturbing is how parents tolerate this rude behavior.

How did families flip?

Why do kids today get a pass on behavior that would never fly in past generations? Is it that we have evolved as families into something more democratic? Or have kids usurped the authority of parents?

I can devote an entire blog to analyze the flip. Instead, I’ll focus on two primary culprits: fear and guilt. These negative emotions are primary motivators of current parenting styles.

* Parents fear their kids failing.

* Failing kids translates to failing parents.

* Busy parents feel guilty they are not giving their kids enough of themselves.

* Kids push the guilt button to get what they want.

Fear and guilt project weakness to kids–and they seize the opportunity to gain power and rule the family. Kids are not mature enough to wield adult power. It is critical that parents flip the family right side up again!

How do you do this? Here are 3 moves Kevin and Heidi made to bring respect back into their family.

First Move: Parents Model Respect with Each Other

You cannot expect from others what you don’t give.

“I’m your parent, show some respect!” – is not a good approach. Establishing respect lies squarely on the shoulders of parents.

You don’t demand respect. You command it.

The difference between “demanding” respect and “commanding” respect

Demanding is words and threats

Commanding is actions that make others feel safe and respected – based on how you treat people in all situations

Now the first move is to model respect in your marriage. I covered this in the blog last week. Parents model respect to their kids in the manner in which they interact with each other.

How they communicate: words, tone, non-verbals

How they work together to lead the family

How they handle problems, support each other

How they resolve conflict when it occurs in front of the kids

If you’re not good at this move, then I suggest you work on this. If you don’t get this down, it will be harder to get your kids on board.

Second Move: Parents Show Respect to their Kids

If you want to command the respect of your kids you must give it to them first. You don’t do it by caving in to their demands. Here are some target behaviors you want to show your kids.

Love your kids unconditionally. Don’t base love on behavior.

Set a positive tone when you interact.

Maintain emotional control in tense situations. Do not come unglued.

Listen with the intent to understand your kid.

Be firm in your position, maintaining control when they react negatively to limits you set.

How to bring respect back to your relationship

Bringing respect back is easier said than done–BUT done nonetheless it must be. So where do “we” begin?

#1: We begins with me.

If you wait until your spouse/partner shows you respect before you reciprocate it may never happen. Two people waiting on the other are two people stuck together in a dance of disrespect.

Are you proud of how you act toward your spouse? Do you show her/him respect on a regular basis? Or are you critical, rude, bossy, indifferent, defensive or dismissive?

If you are not proud, then it is time you act by disrobing the disrespect and learn the dance of respect. This 6-step approach I cover in chapter 2 of my book.

#2: Start doing little things that show respect.

No need to make a big announcement. Actions speak louder than words. Think about your demeanor when you interact with your spouse/partner. Focus on respect. Think: “How would I like to be treated?”

Here are some ideas about little things you can do:

* When your mate speaks, look him/her in the eye. Show warmth. Look interested.

* Give compliments and show appreciation for what they do.

* Lend a helping hand. Do things without waiting to be asked. Try: “Anything I can help you with?”

* Have your spouse’s back when the kids act disrespectful toward her/him.

#3: Ask your mate to join you in a dance of respect.

This step won’t work if you are not willing or attempting to do the first two. One of the biggest barriers to talking to a spouse/partner is pride. Relationships mired in disrespect are adversarial.

You want to come bearing an olive branch. You might say something like: “This is not a gripe about you, but a problem with us–the way we treat each other. I’m tired of it. I want us to bring respect back. How about you?”

I recommend you choose a time to make the request when you can have each other’s undivided attention.

* Power down devices

* Go to a restaurant, coffee shop, or bedroom to talk

* Don’t start talking about specific issues

* Focus on the negative pattern of disrespect you want to change

#4: Focus together on 3 basic things you can do to get started

Don’t try to overhaul your relationship at once. Focus on three basic things you can do to show mutual respect. Here are some ideas:

* Be kind when interacting during the day

* Pay compliments and say “thank you” for acts of kindness

* Show eye contact when conversing and agree not to talk over each other

* Listen well and paraphrase what you hear

* Agree to be patient with each other

* Own mistakes and apologize

Respect is an attitude of the heart. It conveys a strong caring disposition toward the other person. I encourage you to get back to the heart of it.

Now it’s Your Turn

4 basic things you can do to bring respect back to your relationship. It begins with you, not your spouse. (If your spouse is reading this, he/she is getting the same message!)

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Disrespect is insane! Why not try the dance of respect. For more on the dance, check out my book.

Here are 5 things you should never have to give up for your spouse.

Never give up your boundaries in marriage

Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves or with others to feel safe and be healthy. Here are two examples:

* Personal limit: food and alcohol intake to maintain good health. 

* Interpersonal limit: holding to your “no” with others in a matter of personal concern

Maintaining personal boundaries is about self-respect. How you want to be treated.

You have a right to exercise personal boundaries when a conflict with your spouse elevates. A respectful partner will honor your need for emotional and physical space when requested.

Personal boundaries include a level of comfort in sexual activity. You have a right and responsibility to express to your spouse what you like and don’t like. Exploration of sexual experiences must have mutual consent to proceed. A spouse’s “no” must be honored at all times. Violation of sexual boundaries is abuse.

Never give up your personal interests

Personal interests are part of your self-identity and seek expression. Pursuit of personal interests keeps your life interesting. One of the best things you can do for your spouse is support his or her personal interests.

Many of you know one of my favorite personal interests is playing basketball. I play twice a week. The other day I was driving my buddy home after playing when my wife called. She was on the speaker phone so he could hear our conversation. Here’s what he heard her say: “Hey big boy, how was basketball today? Did you dominate?”

Some spouses who do not share the personal interests of the other may feel threatened by them–and as a result try to guilt the person into giving them up.

Control over personal interests should always remain with you.

If your personal interests are getting in the way of your marriage or family life then it is important to examine it and either pair it back or put it on hold till later. Sometimes a spouse is not trying to take it away but to get their partner to manage it better. In situations like this, be open to feedback.

Never give up your personality

Personalities are formed early in life. They are somewhat fixed. If you’re an introvert, you should not feel compelled to become an extrovert.

Differences in personality can contribute to a healthy relationship. We seek in others what we lack in ourselves.

We need to feel comfortable in our own skin at all times. A spouse who constantly criticizes the other about the way the express their personality is lacking in acceptance.

Acceptance and tolerance of differences can go a long way in building a healthy marriage.

Never give up your close relationships

Many of our closest relationships pre-date marriage. Some marriage partners feel threatened by family and or friendship ties.

Spouse’s who attempt to form a wedge in these relationships are infringing on personal boundaries. Your partner does not have a right to dictate your relationships. Do not allow this!

Likewise, do not allow your close relationships to interfere in your marriage. Boundaries go both ways. The only exception is if your family and friends are legitimately concerned that your spouse is pulling you away, then you may want to consider what they’re saying.

Never give up your personal values

Moral, ethical, and spiritual values are in your domain of control. Do not think you have to give them up to a spouse who doesn’t agree.

Your values about money, politics, social issues, or any other subject is deeply personal and should be respected.

Dialog about values can be healthy and modifying your beliefs is normal.

Clearing the eggshells

Eggshells do not promote a healthy environment for family living. Ignoring them is not a good strategy. You cannot afford to keep making excuses and denying the severity of the situation. Yet, why is so hard to clear the eggshells?

What keeps you walking on them?

The unhealthy attachment – you keep getting drawn into a double-bind. “When things are good–they’re really good. When things are bad–they’re really bad. I’m tolerating the real bad for the real good.”

* Your need to fix. “I can love this person into changing.”

Guilt. “It must be something I’m doing wrong.”

It’s my role or I’m obligated. “After all, I am the spouse and/or parent. I’m stuck.”

Low self-esteem, lack of self-respect. “It must be true. I deserve it.”

10 Ways to stop walking on Eggshells

Get out of the pattern of rescuing the person or taking responsibility for their problem. Ask yourself the question: “Whose problem is their mood or behavior?”

Stop trying to fix the person. Allow them a chance to learn from their mistakes. If they won’t learn then they will have to live with the consequences.

Own the pattern you have to break within yourself.  By your response to poor behavior you teach the eggshell spreader how to treat you. If you refuse to confront and let things slide the message is “go ahead and treat me poorly, I can tolerate it.”

Get back to your authentic self. Live from the center. Go with your gut. If something doesn’t feel right, confront it respectfully. Use your active voice.

Detach with love. This is an Al-Anon concept. When the disrespectful behavior starts detach yourself from the situation. Loving the person does not equate with tolerating disrespectful or abusive behavior.

Accept the person for who they are, not what you want them to be. Once you realize you cannot change them, you can modify your expectations and adjust your boundaries accordingly.

Set boundaries with the person. You don’t have to accept their rude behavior. Sticking to your boundaries over time will likely result in more respectful behavior toward you. You have to stick to your boundaries though.

Get out of the FOG – Fear, Obligation, Guilt of your emotional triggers. Do not allow FOG to direct your reaction to eggshell behavior. Check out: “Emotional Blackmail, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier (1997)”

Memorize the 3Cs:

I didn’t cause it

I cannot control it

I cannot cure it

Establish a support system of trusted people who can help you to not lose site on reality. Walking on eggshells on a daily basis can take a toll on your ability to judge what is happening. Trusted people can help you get and maintain perspective.

Here are some book recommendations on how to deal with eggshell relationships.

Now it’s your turn

Are you tired of walking on eggshells? What can you do today to empower you to stop walking on them?

#2: Agree to not spend more than you earn during an average pay period

Develop the skill of saying “no” to yourself if it falls out of the parameters of what you agreed together to spend.

#3: If necessary, meet with a financial planner to establish a budget

If you cannot figure it out together or if you’re in a an endless cycle of conflict you need a third party to help. Don’t put it off. You will feel much better when you have a collaborated plan!

#4: Deal with your demons

If you have an addiction to gambling or spending get some help. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can stop on your own. If you lied or betrayed your spouse, own it and repair it.

#5: Make allowances for allowances

Couples work hard to earn income and provide for a family. As I said earlier, kids are expensive! Be that as it may, I recommend you make allowances for each of you to have an allowance on spending. This is non-discretionary money you can spend on yourself. Amounts should be discussed and based on your budget.

#6: Create a line item budget for marital investment

Notice I underscored investment. Your marriage needs time for enrichment. Allocate money for dates, activities, and occasional getaways.

#7: Think microscope (hear and now) and telescope (long-term future)

Years ago I worked with a couple who had some challenges in their views about money management. She was always worried about the current budget. He worried about the future. I said you have a microscope and telescope view. They agree both were important and needed equal “viewing”. I like their approach.

Now it’s your turn

Is money making a mess out of your marriage? What steps are you willing to take?

#1: Identify What Makes Letting Go Hard

When I observe a client struggling to let go of something I ask a question. “What makes letting go difficult for you right now?” The answers vary based on the event, but here are some common reasons:

Fear of what happens after letting go

Feeling responsible

Fear of having to trust again

Fear of the future

Feeling lost

Holding out for justice

Need to punish offender

Pride

Loss of control

Concern about how it will affect others

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with is accepting the outcome. You’re holding on hoping for something you’re not going to get.

* Your loved one won’t return

* Justice is not forthcoming

* You’re not getting an apology or restitution

* Life is not going to be restored to how it was before

Now that you know what makes it hard to let go, let’s take a look at how it impacts your life now.

#2: Understanding How Holding On Negatively Impacts You

This is not easy to look at but can be a motivator to letting go. Holding on to something too long can start to have a negative impact in your life. Here are some common responses I hear when I ask the question, “How is holding on getting in the way of your life?”

Being stuck in life

Controlled by negative emotions

Impaired relationships

Prolonged feelings of grief or depression

Health problems

Jaded view of life

Loss of my true self

A common concern for people who struggle letting go is wasting time by holding on too long. As the Steve Miller song says, “Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.”

Perhaps it’s time to let go.

#3: Deciding It’s Time to Let Go

Coming to terms with the impact of holding on to something too long is key to letting go. So far you have done two things:

* Identified what makes it hard.

* Understand the negative impact it has on your life.

Now you have a decision to make. It requires two bold statements.

“I am no longer willing to remain stuck in time.”

“I will muster the courage to act.”

Now, let’s get into the act of letting go.

#4: Getting Into The Act of Letting Go

Letting go is not as catastrophic as you think. In fact, it can feel liberating! Letting go is  a normal process every human being encounters in the course of life. Here are 10 action steps that will help.

* Consider the benefits. How will my life be better?

* Treasure the lessons you learned.

* Letting go does not equate with letting bad people back in your life. Set healthy boundaries.

* Remind yourself: “Life is not always fair!”

* Accept that you are not getting what you hoped for or think you deserve.

* Follow spiritual practices of letting go: releasing everything to God and trusting for a better future.

* Write a letter or journal.

* Release a balloon as a symbolic gesture.

* Remember the good. Release the bad.

* Involve a trusted friend, family member, spiritual leader, or professional counselor to support you.

Letting go and holding on can coincide. Let go of the person who will never come back. Hold on to the fond memories you have of life with the person. Carry their legacy.

Now it’s your turn

What are you holding on to that is time to let go of?