All About We

All About We

By All About WeEducationSelf-Improvement
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All About We episodes

  • What you can do to prevent sex from becoming an endangered experience in your marriage

    The bald eagle, a symbol of American freedom was an endangered species. Once a thriving population, it’s numbers dwindled from 500,000 to 412 pairs in the 1950s. Action taken to protect them from being hunted, combined with a ban on the use of DDT, saved the bald eagle from extinction.

    This may sound strange but I observe a trend among many couples today. An absence or infrequency of sex.

    I wonder. Is sex is becoming an endangered experience in marriage?

    3 common threats to sex in marriage

    Environmental Threats to Sex

    Couples are busy meeting the demands of raising kids, managing a household, and work. When it comes to relationships, couples are more likely to focus (or over-focus) on kids. This means less time for marital needs. Tired couples are more likely to choose media devices to veg out. Sex gets a raincheck.

    Interpersonal Threats to Sex

    Busy couples interact mostly about the tasks of managing a family. Unmet needs create a wedge between them. This increases the frequency of arguments and blame game.

    When deep hurts or betrayal wounds inflict one or both partners, sex may be off limits. Unhappy couples develop patterns of avoidance where certain topics are no longer discussed. They co-exist, but not as intimate partners.

    Compensatory Threats to Sex

    So if couples are not having sex what do they do about their sexual drive?

    Some couples compensate by seeking sexual satisfaction apart from each other. Masturbation is often the solution. For example, pornography is a substitute more often engaged by men to seek sexual gratification. Women may prefer sexual toys in privacy.

    Sex outside of marriage is a solution people seek today. Hook-ups, pay-for-service, or a full blown affair are ways unhappy partners compensate for a sexless marriage.

    Check out the All About We Podcast where I discuss this topic and answer questions from my cohost Amanda Berlin. Click the play button above.

    A sex deprived marriage is symptomatic of a bigger problem.
    Couples are becoming more disconnected from each other on an intimate level. Many are exchanging romantic partnership for roommates. Here are some familiar patterns I observe among couples today.
    1. An increasing number of couples are not sleeping together. Nearly 1 out of 4 married couples sleep in separate beds according to a recent survey in the National Sleep Foundation.
      • While some legitimate reasons contribute to this trend, a pattern of geographical distancing in the home puts couples at risk for diminished intimacy, including sex.
      • Couples allowing kids or electronic devices to occupy space once meant for each other. In many cases, this is used to create a buffer against intimacy.
      • Couples are redefining marriage to exclude sex as a primary need. Expectations about sexual intimacy are lowered accordingly.
      • Couples are settling for co-existence. They get along by avoiding problems, focusing on kids and themselves, but not their marriage.
        • What you can do to prevent sex from becoming an endangered experience in your marriage
        Sexual intimacy is a key factor in marital happiness and longevity. If it is not nurtured it is an endangered experience in your marriage. Here are 4 things you can do to prevent extinction.
        If it currently gets “front-burner” attention maintain that habit
        Early in marriage couples tend to have more frequent, satisfying sex. They don’t have the competing needs of kids to consider. If this is where you are currently, here is some advice. Make an agreement now to keep romance a priority in your marriage after kids arrive.
        Develop good habits around connecting. Disconnect your devices and have some “organic” FaceTime!
        Communicate regularly and respectfully about your sexual needs
        Note the two key words: regularly and respectfully. Talking about sexual needs is very personal. If you  want a healthy sex life, make your partner feel safe when she or he talks about their needs.
        As you talk, discover your similarities and differences in what you like and don’t like. Don’t assume your partner knows your needs. Communicate them.
        Talk regularly about the current state of your libido. Various things can increase or decrease sexual drive. Check in with each other. Explain to your spouse what “gets you in the mood”. Have conversations about the barriers to intimacy for you.
        Talk about ways you can spice it up! Don’t settle for autopilot sex.
        Learn from the experts how to have a great sexual relationship
        Experts in the field of sexual intimacy are a great source of information. Here are a few options.
        • Read books together
        • Watch educational videos on sexual intimacy
        • Meet with a sex therapist or doctor (especially if you’re having problems)
          • Mental health conditions that impede libido
          • Sexual dysfunction problems in males/females
            • Give your marriage good quality care
            The most significant factor in developing a healthy sex life is the care you give to the marriage on a daily basis. Establishing a rhythm of mutual care will keep the portals of intimacy open. Here are some ways you can do this.
            • Check in at least 3x a day
            • Be friendly toward each other
            • Step in to support (whatever this means to your partner)
            • Work through problems, resolve disputes, settle your arguments
              • Make it a habit not to go to bed angry at each other
              • If you can’t do this, seek professional help
                • Now it’s your turn
                Is sex in your marriage thriving or in danger of extinction? Review the 4 steps and decide what action to take next. By all means do not avoid the problem. Taking action saved the bald eagle.
                39 min
              • 1 thing to get on Spring Break

                So you’re on spring break. Woo hoo!

                Hopefully your planned vacation or staycation is going as planned. Whether your plan is to soak in the sun or get some home projects done, I hope you do 1 thing different this spring break.

                I did this with my son Jordan and daughter Candace when we spent time together on his spring break.

                Then it happened again Wednesday night with my siblings and mom when we went to see her favorite country singer–Kris Kristopherson. We listened to his music religiously as teens growing up in my family. Now in their 80s, voices cracking, it was magical listening to mom sing along a short distance from her country music idol.

                Get this 1 thing on spring break

                Here’s the 1 thing

                Take time to reflect on how fortunate you are to love and be loved by the people in your life.

                Take time to reflect on your marriage

                Many who read this feel fortunate to share love with a spouse. Some feel pain because love is not returned. If you are in a wounded relationship or divorced you may prefer to move on to the next section. No need to trigger your pain.

                If your marriage is great or could use some work, one of the ways it can improve is when you take time to reflect on the good. Too many couples focus on the negative or take each other for granted. Taking time to reflect on how fortunate you are to share love keeps things in perspective.

                Take time to reflect on your family

                Spring break is a great time for family fun. It can also be very stressful making sure everyone is getting along! Being busy on vacation can get in the way of connecting in your surroundings.

                I say slow things down. Take a walk on the beach with a kid in hand and talk. Make it a time to connect. As you do, think about how fortunate you are to have a kid with whom you can share love.

                Take time to reflect on your close friends

                This past week I got a call from a close friend who informed me he is going through divorce. He received support from me and a few other guys in our band of brothers. Later I got a call from another friend who wanted to meet later in the evening. During the day I wondered what he might be going through too.

                When we met, he and I just hung out. He did not have an issue to talk about. He said, “I was thinking about you earlier in the day and I thought how cool it would be just to hang out.” Later that evening I reflected on how fortunate I am to have close friends. In the course of the day, I gave love to one and received love from the other.

                Who are the friends in your life you are fortunate to know?

                Click the All About We Podcast button above and listen to me relate 5 snapshots in my recent past that reminded me of how fortunate I am to love and be loved by the close people in my life.

                Here’s 1 thing to do with the 1 thing
                Now that you’ve taken some time to reflect, here’s 1 thing you can do with the 1 thing.
                Tell the people in your life that you love them.
                It’s that simple.
                Don’t let spring break go by without telling your spouse, kid(s), or a close friend how fortunate you are to love and be loved by them.
                15 min
              • 5 Naughty Habits in a Hot Marriage
                In the course of the week my wife is going to look me in the eye and with a sexy voice say, “You naughty boy”. It’s not because I’ve done something wrong. Au contraire, I succeeded in a flirtatious way to get her attention! It’s one of several naughty habits we know fuels a hot marriage.
                The term “hot marriage” conjures up various images. For me, I boil it down to one word: passion. I want a heart-pumping, passionate relationship. So, let me share with you 5 naughty habits Marian and I do to fuel a hot marriage.
                The habit of flirting
                Yes, it’s true. We are both flirts. It’s a naughty habit. But we do this only with each other. Flirting takes on various forms during the course of the week. It is intended to keep the hunt active in our relationship.
                “The hunt” is what activates a romantic relationship. Think about when you first met your spouse/partner. How did the relationship start and what fueled it in the early days? Was it not the hunt? Generally, speaking men love to hunt and women love to be hunted. The pursuit and capture is passionate and romantic.
                What generally happens once couples settle in? That’s right, they give up on the hunt. They start chasing the American Dream and neglect each other. If you want to have a hot marriage, develop the naughty habit of flirting–with each other.
                The habit of name-calling
                In May we will celebrate our 17th anniversary. Over the course of time we developed the naughty habit of name-calling. We still do it today. It’s totally hot. The names are code language that conveys a sentiment we are feeling at the time. Some are cute and silly as my wife would say. Name-calling is also erotic, signalling the “you turn me on” message.
                If you want to fuel passion in your marriage do some name-calling. Make sure it conveys a positive sentiment. Negative name-calling is a “sure fire way” to fuel an argument.
                The habit of speaking your mate’s love language
                Do you know each other’s love language? More importantly, do you speak your mate’s language?
                In 1995, author Gary Chapman released a ground-breaking book, The 5 Love Languages: How to express heartfelt love to your mate. Over 11 million copies of the book have been sold, helping couples learn how to discover and speak each other’s love language.
                1. Words of affirmation
                2. Acts of service
                3. Receiving gifts
                4. Quality time
                5. Physical touch
                  6. Often couples speak their language when expressing love to their spouse. The response may not be as exciting as they expect. Why? Because your spouse may not share your love language.
                  Learn your spouse’s love language. Get into the habit of speaking it. Doing it daily keeps the flame of passion glowing in your hot marriage.
                  The habit of saying “I’m sorry.”
                  Every marriage has a “hot seat”. You sit on it when you’ve done something wrong.
                  When you’re on the hot seat own it. Don’t make excuses, blame, minimize, or change the subject. Just own the hot seat. Follow it up with “I’m sorry.”
                  I can honestly say that forgiveness occupies large space our hot marriage. We make it comfortable for each other to own our faults and repair them. The benefit here is that it shows respect to your spouse. Furthermore, it prevents the formation of resentment, a residue that clogs the portal of intimacy.
                  Here is my five step “Repair Kit” for forgiveness:
                  1. Admit your offense.
                  2. Acknowledge how it specifically hurt your spouse.
                  3. Accept responsibility without blame or excuses.
                  4. Ask for forgiveness.
                  5. Agree with your spouse that you will work on changing the negative behavior.
                    6. The habit of going to bed together
                    This is a relatively new habit in our marriage. Our work schedules differ. During weekdays I return home later in the evening. Marian goes to bed early. Often when I come home she’s asleep. So my routine was eat a late dinner, watch some TV and fall asleep on the couch. Later, I would crawl into bed.
                    Lately, I tweaked this approach and go to bed right after dinner. I usually have my iPad in bed, but I am close nearby my sleeping beauty. She will reach over give me a kiss, lay her arm on my chest for awhile and go back to sleep. On the weekends, we always go to bed together.
                    I find that the habit of going to bed and waking together establishes a good rhythm in marriage. Going to bed also gives you time to connect. We have some of our best conversations laying in bed where we can relax. As this pattern forms, it also increases intimacy and can increase activation of the sex drive.
                    Now it’s your turn
                    So, I shared some naughty habits about how we maintain a hot marriage. Maybe you have some habits of your own you would like to share. Feel free to leave a comment below or on one of my social media sites. I only ask that you keep them PG for the sake of our audience!
                    Perhaps you’re relationship is not so hot. If it has cooled off, what is one naughty habit you plan to try?[mk_social_networks size=”large” style=”rounded” margin=”4″ icon_color=”#dd3333″ align=”left” facebook=”https://www.facebook.com/Don-Olund-Relationship-Specialist-Executive-Coach-137936486408229/?ref=hl” twitter=”https://twitter.com/DonOlund” pinterest=”https://www.pinterest.com/dolund/” google_plus=”https://plus.google.com/102055073409420077319″ linkedin=”https://www.linkedin.com/in/don-olund-37519219″]
                    33 min
                  6. 5 Signs it’s Time to Occupy the Co-Pilot Seat in Parenting Your Adult Kid
                    I’m writing this blog in the Phoenix airport. In about an hour I will be leaving 90 degree temps in route to Chicago where I’ll be greeted by snow and cold. That’s not why I am unhappy right now.
                    I just left my son Jordan after a week-long father/son journey.  My daughter Candace joined us for part of the trip. Unfortunately my other son Justin was unable to attend.
                    After a few days of travel up the gut of the state to Sedona, Candace returned home. Jordan and I drove to San Diego with one mission in mind–learn how to surf. I booked a lesson with Pacific Surf. Our instructor David is a real surfer dude! (Check out the picture above)
                    Mission accomplished. I got up two times but could not keep my balance to ride the wave. Jordan–he caught on rather quickly and caught some wave action. Here’s a picture I took.
                    Jordan had another mission in mind for San Diego. He wanted to scope out the area as a potential next destination to live. Jordan didn’t come out directly and say that he wanted to move. He hinted that he wants to live out there one day. Years ago he did the same about Arizona where he currently resides.
                    What does a father do when his son wants to move further from home? Do I assume the pilot seat and control his path? Or do I move over to the co-pilot seat and offer support?
                    I’m a huge believer in giving adult kids the pilot seat when it’s time.
                    I know, it’s a scary proposition. A parent’s worse nightmare is giving their kid permission and something goes terribly wrong. Fear makes it hard for a parent to give up control of the pilot seat.
                    • Fear of harm
                    • Fear of failure
                    • Fear of change
                      • A parent’s fear of outcome often interferes with a child’s opportunity to take control of his or her life when it’s time.
                      Listen, throughout the course of your kids’ life there are times they need to be the pilot. You need to recognize it, move over and occupy the co-pilot seat.
                      In the early years you are in the pilot seat the majority of the time. Kids are not ready to take that seat although they may think so! However, there are times even when they’re young that you can let them practice in the co-pilot seat. This is also important during adolescence.
                      You can be there to step in if they are being reckless, etc… just don’t squash their curiosity.
                      Step in to teach or coach. Step back and let them try to figure it out.
                      5 Ways to Prepare Your Kids for the Pilot Seat
                      1. Encourage their curiosity.
                      2. Allow them opportunity to “scratch their itch”.
                      3. Give them age-appropriate responsibilities. (Fosters autonomy)
                      4. Reframe experiences of failure as opportunity for learning and growth.
                      5. Encourage their problem-solving skills by letting them figure things out.
                        6. 5 Signs It’s Time to Occupy the Co-Pilot Seat
                        If you’re preparing your child for independence by allowing them opportunity as a co-pilot to take the controls, it will be a lot easier to exchange seats when they enter adulthood. If you don’t prepare them, your adult kids may expect the privileges of flying but leave you with the responsibility of upkeep on the plane.
                        Here are 5 signs that indicate it may be time to occupy the co-pilot seat.
                        When “Father Time” says it’s time.
                        Chronological age is an important determining factor. When your kid reaches adult age you really have to discuss changing seats. Discussion is intended to wean them off your financial support.
                        When they drop you hints that they are ready.
                        Listen. Pay attention to repeated declarations. Jordan dropped hints about San Diego long before our trip.
                        When you see them flying like a pilot (acting like an adult).
                        Watch how they handle things, make decisions, problem-solve their life.
                        Consider what others tell you about your kid’s maturity. Other adults–neighbors, employers, teachers, or relatives often voice perspectives we don’t see but manifest outside the home.
                        When they fight you for control of their life.
                        If you lock horns with your kids often you will experience turbulence when they reach the age of adulthood. They will do the opposite of what you want if they feel you don’t have confidence in their ability to figure things out.
                        As a parent, you have to risk “perceived failure” and exchange seats.
                        If you hold on too long you will produce an adult who never leaves home or one who moves far to get away from your control.
                        When you realize it is in their best interest that you exchange seats.
                        It’s time to let go and let your kid grow up. Allow them to struggle. Take that final step back so they can step up into their adulthood. They will feel good about themselves as they handle the responsibility of the pilot seat.
                        Jordan and Candace insisted on picking up restaurant checks occasionally when we traveled. It’s a rite of passage into adulthood when you hear them say, “I got this.”
                        57 min
                      6. Super Easy 7 Day Couple Connection Challenge

                        Busy, busy, busy. Pulled in several directions at the same time!

                        Describe your world?

                        I know it can get real crazy between work, kids, and keeping the house looking halfway decent.

                        If you follow this blog, you’ve heard me address the “back burner syndrome” many couples experience. No matter how much you say you need time together it rarely gets front burner attention. Something more pressing gets in the way.

                        Back Burner Syndrome is Bad on marriage

                        Marriage cannot tolerate neglect too long before it suffers. Here are symptoms of back burner syndrome.

                        • more talk on tasks to be done
                        • less talk on connecting with each other
                        • personal and relationship needs lack attention
                        • conflicts over expectations increase
                        • emotional drift sets in
                        • walls are built

                          • Neither spouse is happy hiding behind a wall. It just feels safe. Fewer arguments. Lower risk of rejection.

                          You may be wondering. “How long do we hide behind our walls? Can we find a way to connect again?”

                          Listen to my interview on this topic in the All About We Podcast link above.

                          How to give your marriage front burner time
                          Couples are quick to admit they want to spend more time together. I hear this daily in my office. Moving into that space is difficult. When I ask, “How do you want to do this?” I get a “deer in the headlights” reaction.
                          Couples are afraid to act. Fear of disappointment creeps in. “Will my partner put in the effort?”
                          Don’t allow fear to keep your relationship stuck on the back burner! Here’s how you can begin to move toward the front.
                          1. Make this your mantra: “Our marriage deserves front burner time.”
                          2. Make a promise to move into front burner space.
                          3. Get over the awkwardness of trying.
                          4. Take my super easy 7 day couple connection challenge.
                            5. Super easy 7 day couple challenge
                            To move your marriage to the front burner this week we need to break the awkwardness of trying. This is especially important for couples who have been hiding behind walls for a while.
                            Each activity can be done in as little as 6 seconds (although this might be the toughest) and no longer than 7 minutes.
                            Not too difficult right? So let’s begin the challenge!
                            Day 1: Ask and answer these two questions.
                            1. What was one of your favorite songs in high school?
                            2. What did you like about the song?
                              3. Be curious. Don’t judge each other’s music! No negative comments. Show a genuine interest. You might learn something you didn’t know about your partner.
                              Day 2: Listen to each other’s favorite song together.
                              This can actually be a fun experience. You can listen together to one in the morning and the other in the evening. Crank up the music! Bring the air guitar out of the closet. Sing and dance if you’re in mood.
                              Day 3: Watch this YouTube Video together (1.5 minutes long)
                              This video is hilarious! After watching take another minute to talk about it. Share one takeaway you get about yourself from the video. Avoid commentary about your spouse! Instead, poke fun at yourself.
                              Day 4: Share a favorite couple photo
                              Dig into the archives and find a photo from the past. Share why you chose this particular photo, what you like about it, etc…
                              Day 5: Write a positive note and leave it in an unexpected place
                              Nothing better than a handwritten note that conveys something positive about your spouse. Here’s a few samples:
                              • You’re great at your job. Have an awesome day!
                              • That high school song you like is playing in my head right now. I’m thinking good things about us today.
                              • I’ve taken you for granted for some time. But not today. I am lucky to have you in my life.
                                • Day 6: Share a 6 second kiss
                                The shortest time in the 7 day challenge is the 6 second kiss. No excuses here. If you’ve been up to the challenge so far, this could actually be very nice!
                                Now for some, this will be easy. You kiss regularly. For others who have been hiding behind walls for a while this might be the most challenging activity. Do your best. If you feel uncomfortable, try a 6 second hug or kiss on the cheek.
                                Day 7: Take 7 minutes to answer these 2 questions
                                1. What did you like most about the super easy 7 day couple challenge?
                                2. What would you like to do next week to keep the connection going?
                                  3. Now it’s your turn
                                  The challenge is before you. If you’re reading this alone, I recommend you do the following:
                                  1. Forward the link to your spouse.
                                  2. Ask him/her to read it.
                                  3. Move into the awkward space of asking if he/she is up to do the challenge with you.
                                  4. Select a day and get a head start by picking songs and photos so you’re more prepared.
                                  5. Go for it!
                                    6. 34 min
                                  6. How to Create a “Wow Effect” in Your Marriage
                                    Yesterday morning while laying in bed my wife Marian brought me a cup of coffee. Nothing unusual. It’s part of our morning routine.
                                    Until I looked in the cup and noticed she made a mistake.
                                    “Sweetheart, you gave me your cup of coffee.” (I drink my coffee black.)
                                    “Oh no Big Boy.” she replied with a cute smile. “This is your coffee. I added a splash of Baileys.”
                                    “Wow! Thank-you babe!” I responded.
                                    Marian created a “wow effect”.
                                    This small, thoughtful gesture brightened up morning. It also set the tone for the remainder of the day AND gave me the inspiration to write this blog!
                                    What is a “Wow Effect”?
                                    The Urban Dictionary defines a “wow effect” as a special state of mind that occurs when you are surprised by something wonderful or really great.
                                    Oprah Winfrey, the Queen of the “wow effect” occasionally  dazzled her audience with an unexpected lavish gift. Steve Jobs, the King of the “wow effect” ended his developers conference presentation by saying “Oh, there is one more thing…” Then he wowed the audience with an introduction of an amazing product. Check out this YouTube.
                                    A few years ago I wowed Marian when I booked a junior suite at the Woodlands Mansion in Summerville, just outside of Charleston, SC. It was a converted mansion with only 18 guest rooms. When we arrived the Concierge politely informed me, “Mr. Olund, the Governor’s Suite is available and with your permission we prefer to upgrade you at no extra charge.”
                                    I call that a “double wow”.
                                    Marriages deserve an occasional “wow”
                                    Relationships often get mired in the routines of life together. Every day can be a repeat of the one before. I call it the Groundhog Day Syndrome based on the 1993 classic comedy featuring Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell.
                                    Are you tired of your relationship running on autopilot? Does your marriage need something to liven it up? If you answered “yes” to these questions then you need a “wow effect”.
                                    What a “wow effect” communicates:
                                    1. It demonstrates thoughtfulness.
                                    2. It creates the element of surprise.
                                    3. It makes the recipient feel important or cared for.
                                    4. It fosters positive sentiment in the marriage.
                                    5. It is likely to be reciprocated.
                                      6. How to Create a “Wow Effect” 
                                      To break the Groundhog Day Syndrome, stop complaining and do something about it. In the movie, Phil decided he was going to do random acts of kindness for people. Basically, he had a change of heart.
                                      So, here’s where you begin. Start from your heart. Choose to be kind and do thoughtful things without expecting anything in return. This is called “unconditional love”.
                                      To prime the pump of your creativity, let me give you some easy-to-do “wow effect” suggestions.
                                      • Do a household task that you know your spouse wants done without waiting to be asked
                                      • Take extra care of your wife when she is sick (I got this one from a client who boasted about all the really cool things her husband did while she was in bed sick for four days)
                                      • Send a sentimental card to his/her office (I use the ThankyouPro app. It does everything for you, including sending a gift card)
                                      • Get dressed up real nice when you go out together for the day or on a date
                                      • Do a year-in-pictures album or video (easy to do on most photo apps)
                                      • Give her a “spa day” just because you know she needs one
                                      • Give him a “lazy day” to do whatever he wants
                                      • Spice up a night of romance
                                      • Wash and detail her car
                                      • Buy him a Car & Driver magazine and leave it on his bedside
                                        • The success of the “wow effect” is the element of surprise. Here’s a few things to remember:
                                        • Don’t announce what you’re going to do
                                        • Don’t make a big deal about it
                                        • Don’t make it about you
                                        • Make it about your spouse
                                        • Do it without expecting something in return (base it on unconditional love)
                                        • If you don’t get a response don’t conclude it failed and give up (this is especially important for distressed couples)
                                          • What to do when you’ve been “wowed”!
                                          If you are on the receiving end of the “wow effect” your response is important. If I kept my response to the cup of coffee to myself it would have weakened the effect. Expressing “wow” to Marian established a positive connection to start our day. Make sense?
                                          Here are some things to do when you’ve been wowed:
                                          1. Make a big deal out of it in the moment!
                                          2. Remind your spouse later how much it meant to you. Be specific. For example, “Thank you for washing and detailing my car. I have so much going on driving the kids back n forth. I know it gets messy and I can never find the time to get it done. I was relaxed driving the car today.”
                                          3. Think and act positive toward your spouse.
                                          4. Find a way to reciprocate that day or later in the week when he/she least expects it. That’s the wow factor!
                                            5. Now it’s your turn
                                            What is one thing you plan to do this week to create a “wow effect” in your marriage?
                                            40 min
                                          5. What to do when you accidentally trip your spouse’s emotional triggers
                                            Everything seems to be going well between you. You’re having a good day.
                                            Suddenly you say or do something rather benign and your spouse explodes or overreacts emotionally.
                                            You’re wondering, “What just happened?”
                                            Guess what? You accidentally tripped your spouse’s emotional trigger.
                                            What are emotional triggers?
                                            Here are a few things you should know about emotional triggers (ETs):
                                            • ETs are universal – everyone has one or more
                                            • ETs are unique – each person develops an ET based on personal experiences
                                            • ETs are usually formed in early childhood and embed in the unconscious mind
                                            • ETs develop when basic needs are not met in a predictable fashion
                                              • (Basic needs: belonging, acceptance, security, freedom, love, recognition)
                                              • ETs are activated by a “perceived” threat to personal well-being or safety
                                                • Types of emotional triggers
                                                Here are 7 common emotional triggers that activate in couple relationships:
                                                1. Abandonment – you will leave me or I cannot depend on you to be there for me when I need you.
                                                2. Harm – your actions toward me are intended to hurt me emotionally or physically.
                                                3. Guilt – you always think I am at fault and blame me.
                                                4. Shame – you think I am bad in my core
                                                5. Rejection – you don’t think I am good enough
                                                6. Anger – you want to control me and I won’t let you.
                                                7. Inadequacy – you criticize me because you don’t think I measure up to your expectations/standards.
                                                  8. What happens when ETs go off?
                                                  The brain’s “fight-flight” system is activated. Your spouse will either attack with intense anger or retreat in fear. You are viewed as an adversary. This happens because your spouse’s perception of you is distorted by an apparent threat to their sense of well-being.
                                                  7 ways to respond when your mate’s emotional trigger is activated
                                                  Here are seven sequential steps you can take to respond to your spouse and effectively disarm the trigger.
                                                  1. Do your best to stay calm. A knee-jerk reaction is to return fire or get defensive. It will only make the matter worse. Your best move is to take deep breaths and find your calm.
                                                  2. Do not be defensive. Easier said than done, but done nonetheless it must be!
                                                  3. Respond with a soft tone when you speak. Rehearse in your mind how you want to speak your words. Get the tone right and you will lower the emotional intensity between you.
                                                  4. Label and validate the emotional your spouse is expressing. Labeling emotions helps neutralize them. “I can see you are upset right now…”
                                                  5. Apologize for the “unintended harm” your actions caused. You may think you didn’t nothing wrong, why should you apologize. This is not a time to defend your actions. Empathy is what your spouse needs. “I am sorry that what I said/did upset you…”
                                                  6. Clarify the intention of your actions. Here is where you can address the accusation more effectively. “I did not mean to make you look bad. I was trying to help you solve the problem.”
                                                  7. Reassure your spouse that you care about him/her. “I understand how you feel and want you to know that I love you and care about you.”
                                                    8. The Benefit to Your Relationship
                                                    Following these 7 steps will help you deal with an emotional trigger without losing your cool. Your spouse will feel safe.
                                                    Here is another important outcome.
                                                    The emotional wound begins to heal.
                                                    It may not happen the first time. But the more you follow this approach the greater likelihood it won’t happen as often.
                                                    Now it’s your turn
                                                    Go through the list of emotional triggers. Can you identify your own? Which one(s) can you identify in your spouse.
                                                    For more on how to manage your emotional triggers check out these two blogs I posted:
                                                    Recognizing Your Emotional Triggers
                                                    How To Master Your Emotional Triggers
                                                    45 min
                                                  8. How to Out Smart Your Kid’s Obsession with Smartphones
                                                    “Everyone here has the sense that right now is one of those moments when we are influencing the future.”  Steve Jobs
                                                    Ten years ago Steve Jobs set things in motion when he introduced the iPhone. His goal was to create a device that formed a bond with the user. In his own words, “I want to make a phone people love.” 
                                                    Soon other tech companies caught on and an explosion of smart devices (phones, tablets, watches) expanded across the globe. Statistics report over 2 billion people now own a smartphone.
                                                    It is safe to say Steve Jobs achieved his goal to make a dent in the universe.
                                                    A Device Obsession
                                                    Smart phones and tablets make connecting to a social world virtually effortless. Young and old alike are attached to their devices. For some it’s an obsession.
                                                    Common Sense Media conducted a poll. Here’s what it found:
                                                    • 50% of teens believe they are addicted to their devices
                                                    • 59% of parents also think their kids are addicted to their devices
                                                      • [Tweet “Devices that connect to a social universe disconnect us from the people closest to us–our family.”]
                                                      The Impact of a Device Obsession on Kids
                                                      I recommend every parent watch the movie “Men, Women & Children”. (It’s free on Amazon Video if you are a prime member.) It will give you a sobering look at the impact social media has on family relationships.
                                                      Here are 5 areas a device obsession negatively impacts your kids.
                                                      1. Impact on family relationships – parents and kids spend less time interacting with each other and increased time interacting with their devices.
                                                      2. Impact on development of social skills – kids rely on their devices to communicate with others. Many lack basic social skills of communication.
                                                      3. Impact on identity development – in a social universe kids are exposed to ideas and trends that influence how they see themselves. Many suffer from low self-esteem.
                                                      4. Impact on social relationships – kids enjoy the ease of making and connecting with friends via social media. Unfortunately, many suffer hardship by the harmful tactics some kids use to “unfriend” or bully others.
                                                      5. Impact on mental health – an increase in depression, anxiety, impulse control and obsessive-compulsive disorders are associated with kids who spend too much time on their devices.
                                                        6. How to Outsmart your kid’s obsession
                                                        I see a growing concern among parents about their kids’ obsession with devices. “Her iPhone is attached to her body!” one parent exclaimed. Another parent expressed worry about her teen’s reaction if she tried to set limits. “I’m afraid of the meltdown my kid will have if I take the phone away.”
                                                        When I was young, kids feared their parents reaction. Today it seems the opposite occurs.
                                                        I’m calling for a parent revolution. It’s time to get back control over your kids.
                                                        Every parent can outsmart their kids obsession with smartphones by following 5 action steps.
                                                        Step 1 – Before you give a device to your kid establish a purpose and rules.
                                                        Internet-based devices are powerful instruments. They connect your kids to a global community. Gone are the days when your kids’ “friends” could only enter through the front door of your home. Now they sneak in the back door social media portals.
                                                        It is important to establish age-appropriate rules about the purpose and use of devices. Do you give them smartphones because their friends have them? Or do they serve a purpose in your family? Before you distribute the device, establish rules and communicate them to your kids.
                                                        Be sure you follow through on the rules or you will feed your kid’s obsession!
                                                        Step 2 – Schedule “device detox” time in the family.
                                                        Establish times during the day when the family goes offline on devices. Three times of the day that make sense.
                                                        1. The morning before going to school.
                                                        2. At dinner time.
                                                        3. At bedtime.
                                                          4. Step 3 – Use the detox time to connect as a family
                                                          When devices are off (including TV) you can spend time talking over dinner, playing a board game or in the yard. The kids may grumble and complain initially. If you withstand the resistance they will eventually come to enjoy it.
                                                          Step 4 – Establish security controls to monitor device use.
                                                          Devices give kids have access to dangerous sites. Parental controls protects them from exposure to harmful material and/or people.
                                                          Parents often complain that their kids ignore orders to shut off their phones and refuse to hand them over. Now you can restrict your kids from smartphone use without physically taking them away.
                                                          Apps are available to help you monitor your kid’s access to the internet and to lock their phones remotely if they ignore your calls/texts.
                                                          • Kidtrol child lock app allows you to disable third party apps from your device.
                                                          • Ignore No More is a parent control app that allows you to lock your child’s phone remotely.
                                                            • Step 5 – Create experiences for your kids to connect organically.
                                                            Busy families spend a bulk of time in school and sport activities. Kids spend travel time on their devices. What they often lack is time outdoors enjoying nature.
                                                            During a “device detox” take your kids outdoors and enjoy nature. This is not a time for Pokemon! Hike forest preserves. Go to a local park. Buy a sled and head for the nearest hill. Create experiences that foster connection with each other in the beauty of nature.
                                                            Now it’s your turn
                                                            What do you do to outsmart your kid’s use of devices? Share your strategy in the comment section below.
                                                            If you are currently being outsmarted by your kids, what action step are you prepared to take to get the control back?
                                                             
                                                            58 min
                                                          • 10 Things Smart Couples do to Keep Their Love Alive

                                                            I carry multiple licenses. Some for personal use. Others related to my profession. Each required competency testing to determine if I met a standard of qualification before issuance.

                                                            Except one. A marriage license.

                                                            No courses to take, books to read or tests to take. Shoot, all my fiancé and I had to do was show proof of identification and pay a $30.00 fee!

                                                            With the divorce rate hovering around 50% you’d think states would require a basic level of preparation before they issue a marriage license. Family courts require couples to attend mediation and parenting classes as a pre-requisite to divorce. Sounds backwards doesn’t it?

                                                            Smart Couples

                                                            Have you ever observed a couple in public and notice something special between them? Their gaze. How they talk to each other. The subtle attention they give. It’s an aura that makes you wonder, “How do they do that?”

                                                            They’re doing something right–something that works. Something that keeps their love alive. They are a smart couple.

                                                            I see smart couples in my office. They are doing the best they can but they’re stuck. Instead of avoiding the situation, they reach out for help. Sometimes they need a little coaching to get unstuck. Other times, a smart couple needs to do a deeper dive in counseling. Either way, the couple is smart enough to know that they need help to get unstuck.

                                                            Over the years I have logged several thousand hours of couples counseling/coaching. I am not only an expert on relationships, I also remain a student too. My clients continue to teach me. So does my marriage.

                                                            Here is my take on smart couples. 10 things they do to keep their love alive.

                                                            10 Things Smart Couples Do To Keep Their Love Alive

                                                            Below is the list of ten things. I will share a point or two about each one. If you want to get more check out the All About We Podcast link above. I do a deeper dive on each of the 10 points with my co-host Amanda Berlin.

                                                            #1: Smart couples work on bringing the best version of themselves to the relationship.

                                                            This is about working to improve yourself regularly. If you don’t love yourself, how can you love your mate.

                                                            #2: Smart couples grant each other the right to live authentically without judgment.

                                                            I’m referring to accepting your mate for who he/she is and not judging or trying to change them. It’s important to give each other space to breathe in the relationship.

                                                            #3: Smart couples are students, learning from each other and the experts on how to nurture the relationship.

                                                            Never stop being curious about your spouse. Needs change as we age. Listen well. Take mental notes. Adjust accordingly. Read books. Seek coaching/counseling from the experts.

                                                            #4: Smart couples keep their relationship a priority make sure they spend time together alone on a weekly basis.

                                                            Smart couples don’t make excuses why they can’t spend time together. They can offer several reasons why they choose each other first over other things. SCs plan time and find pockets of time to connect.

                                                            #5 Smart couples tend to be fun and adventure junkies.

                                                            They enjoy playing, laughing, and seek new experiences together.

                                                            #6: Smart couples work through problems together.

                                                            Neither are afraid to own up to their faults and apologize. SCs work on changing negative behavior if it poses a problem to the relationship.

                                                            #7: Smart couples engage in intimacy regularly by being kind, affectionate, and romantic.

                                                            Intimacy is a rhythm in a smart couple relationship. They keep it going throughout the day in ways that connect well. Romance and sexual intimacy is mutually satisfying.

                                                            #8: Smart couples function as partners in parenting.

                                                            SCs know that if you’re not working as a team it will damage the marriage. They strive to have each other’s back when dealing with kid challenges.

                                                            #9: Smart couples support each other’s individual aspirations.

                                                            They respect each other’s personal pursuits and accommodate accordingly. SCs support each other’s careers.

                                                            #10: Smart couples share a common bond in spirituality.

                                                            They are joined by a similar belief system. SCs rely on their faith as a guide on their journey in good and bad times along the way.

                                                            Now it’s your turn

                                                            How many of the ten are working in your relationship? Do you have something to add to the list? Leave a comment below. What is one thing you want to do now to help keep your love alive?

                                                            Click the link above to listen to the All About We Podcast on this topic!

                                                            1 hr 6 min
                                                          • How to use a time-out when an argument gets out of control
                                                            You’re just trying to get dinner on the table so the kids can eat, finish homework, take baths, and get to bed at a reasonable hour. But the kids aren’t cooperating and your spouse is stuck on the phone dealing with a client problem.
                                                            Things are heating up–and I’m not referring to what’s on the stove.
                                                            The phone call ends. You glare at your partner and say, “You know, I can use a little help over here.”
                                                            You’re spouse snaps back, “I just walked through the door and was on the phone with an irate client. Can you cut me some slack here? Stop being such a pain in my butt!”
                                                            You know how this act goes. War breaks out. Dinner is a disaster. Kids’ misbehavior adds more fuel to the fire. The two of you end up sleeping in separate beds—again.
                                                            This could’ve been avoided had someone called a time-out.
                                                            What a time-out is and is not
                                                            Relationships can benefit from a time-out when an argument is getting out of control. When I share this with couples they often reply, “We tried that and it doesn’t work.” When I ask the “why?” question, the response I often get is, “Well, we go our separate ways and never resolve the argument.” This is when I politely inform them, “That is not a time-out. It’s called withdrawal.”
                                                            What a time-out is not
                                                            • it is not ending an argument abruptly
                                                            • it is not withdrawing from a partner
                                                            • it is not controlling the argument or your partner
                                                              • What a time-out is
                                                              • it is a time limited break in an argument
                                                              • it is for the purpose of lowering emotional intensity
                                                              • it is used to maintain mutual respect while working through a conflict
                                                                • Here’s my definition of a time-out.
                                                                A time-out is an effective communication tool designed to regulate emotional intensity and maintain respect in an argument. ~ Don Olund
                                                                5 Situations when a time-out will help.
                                                                1. When you feel yourself becoming too angry and cannot control it in the moment.
                                                                2. When an argument you’re having is heating up fast.
                                                                3. When the timing of an argument is not suited for discussion.
                                                                4. When the argument is already out of control and going nowhere but down.
                                                                5. When your partner is amping up on you and it doesn’t feel safe or respectful.
                                                                  6. How to Execute a Time-out Effectively
                                                                  The time-out allows you to manage your emotional intensity. It helps to maintain respect in the relationship when you’re at odds with each other.
                                                                  Rule #1 – When one partner calls for a time-out the other partner has to honor it
                                                                  • The goal here is to manage the conflict together
                                                                  • Either you manage your conflict or the conflict manages your relationship
                                                                  • View the time-out as a friend to your relationship
                                                                  • Never use the statement – “You need a time-out!”
                                                                  • Option #1 – I need a time out.
                                                                  • Option #2 – I think we need a time out.
                                                                    • Rule #2 – Use the time-out to cool off in separate space
                                                                    • Go to an area where you can cool down
                                                                    • Do not follow your partner around
                                                                    • Do not try to dictate or control where your partner goes to cool down.
                                                                      • Rule #3 – Use the time-out to regroup and gather your thoughts
                                                                      • Distract your mind from the argument to allow your emotions to cool down.
                                                                      • Once you have cooled down, think about how to get your point across in a more respectful manner.
                                                                      • Consider what your partner was trying to say.
                                                                      • Think about how you plan to give your partner the respect to be heard.
                                                                        • Rule #4 – The person who calls the time-out is responsible to re engage the conversation.
                                                                        • Express to your partner that you are ready to talk.
                                                                        • Check in with your partner to see if he/she is ready to talk.
                                                                        • If your partner is not ready then he/she now owns the time-out.
                                                                        • When your partner is ready this person needs to re engage the conversation.
                                                                          • Rule #5 – Agree together to give each other the opportunity to speak without interruption and consideration of position or opinion.
                                                                          • Paraphrase what your partner says to you
                                                                          • Seek to understand your partner.
                                                                          • Use “I statements” when you express your thoughts and feelings.
                                                                          • Seek points of agreement.
                                                                          • Be flexible with each other in order to find compromise
                                                                          • Admit your faults when you realize you are wrong.
                                                                            • Back to the Kitchen
                                                                            The couple in the heated argument would have been well-served by taking a time-out. Arguing while trying to get dinner on the table and dealing with kids’ antics is poor timing. Here is how a time-out would be effective.
                                                                            “Look, I cannot handle an argument with you right now. I need a time-out. Can we take 5 minutes to chill and try coming together again?” In Rule #1, the spouse honors the request.
                                                                            5 minutes or so later the spouse who called the time-out informs the other that he/she is ready to talk and asks the other if he/she is ready too. If so, they can defuse the conflict more effectively together.
                                                                            Now it’s your turn
                                                                            So what’s your plan for the time-out tool?
                                                                            For more on this topic, listen to the All About We Podcast at the top of this page. Listening with your spouse is even better!
                                                                             
                                                                            44 min

                                                                          About All About We

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                                                                          helping couples and families connect