All About We

We were vacationing in Washington, D.C. I didn’t have the energy to walk for than a hundred yards before I had to sit down. Later that evening in a cold sweat, I was taken to Georgetown University Hospital.

The next morning the doctor and I had a long conversation about my busy life. He said, “Don, you’re 30 years old with young kids. Do you want to enjoy life, see them marry and be a grandfather? If so, you have to slow down your pace. You’re moving way too fast.”

I spent a week in that hospital recovering from a virus that completely sapped my energy.

The bedside chat with the doctor was a wakeup call that saved my life. Today I continue to slow down and enjoy a full life with my adult kids and grandkids!

Don’t wait for a crisis to get your attention. Here are 3 simple ways you can slow down and enjoy your life.

Do you live a hectic lifestyle? If so, you are not alone. Stressed out parents reach out to me on a regular basis seeking help to cope with a myriad of mental health and relationship problems. These are symptomatic of a chronically busy life.

Spending my vacation in a hospital gave me time to think about how to slow my hectic pace. Clearly I needed to make time for relaxation and enjoyment with my family.

I focused on two things: stress management and increasing margin for family time. One of the decisions I made that worked well was setting up a basketball court in our driveway. I played ball with my kids and their friends. Eventually some of the dads joined us.

Cut back an hour or two of work

Eliminate one of the kid’s activities and use this time to play together

Limit volunteer and/or committee work

Establish a “down time day” routine and relax cuddling on the couch (see pic above)

In a fast-pace world we have a tendency to operate our brains at high speed. Multitasking all day long while moving from one event to the next is not good!

Slowing down your thoughts is about being more self-aware. Being present with yourself. Monitoring your thoughts and feelings in a given moment.

In his book, “Thinking Slow & Fast” author Daniel Kahneman talks about two thinking systems:

Automatic thinking system based on the subconscious mind and emotions is fast.

Deliberate thinking system based on conscious mind using logic is slower.

Kahneman argues that we rely too much on system one thinking and it can get us into trouble. Slowing down (system 2) increases self-awareness and affords the opportunity to think things through more clearly.

Spiritual reading and prayer

Taking 5-20 minutes a day to meditate

Deep breathing and stress relaxation exercises

Going for a walk outdoors without use of electronic devices

Taking a few minutes before the start of the day or an activity to deep breathe and reflect on how you want to be present with others

This is about managing yourself in a social world–especially in your family. One of the measures of emotional intelligence is self-expression and interpersonal relationships.

You can enjoy your life and relationships more if you can slow down your reactions to people by being more thoughtful and deliberate in how you act.

Slowing down helps you manage impulsivity in stressful situations. It increases stress tolerance. Slowing yourself down allows you to execute a respectful response toward others. This is especially important in stressful situations.

Here are a few slowing down practices:

Take deep breaths and count to ten

Paraphrase what you hear someone say before you respond

Ask clarifying questions to increase your understanding of the other person

Speak slowly

My “go to” when I need to slow down my reaction time is a verse of scripture I memorized.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

Here are 5 benefits you can expect when you slow down.

More control of your life.

Shift from a hectic pace to a healthy pace.

Increase in happiness.

Increase in satisfying relationships.

Improved health (mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually).

Don’t be like me and need a bedside chat with a doctor to get your attention. You can relax and enjoy your life today by taking action in one or all three of these areas. Which one will you choose right now?

It doesn’t feel right.

You convince yourself it will get better.

Sound familiar?

If you’ve had similar thoughts you may be experiencing the “frog in the kettle” syndrome. This metaphor is based on an alleged study in the 19th century. Scientists placed a frog in a pot of water and very slowly raised the heat.

The frog’s body temperature adapted to the environment, unaware of the risk. Having waited too long to act, the water reached a boiling point. Lacking leaping ability the frog was boiled to death!

I’ve observed a trend in marriages. Couples are settling for less. Many have traded romantic partners for roommates. They complain about the toils of working, raising kids, and keeping a house. Their marriage receives minuscule attention. Harried couples are just trying to keep the family on track.

Research indicates that marital satisfaction decreases during the child-bearing/rearing years. Makes sense. Couples have to invest time in kids. But how low will you settle for before your marriage reaches its boiling point?

Here are 3 danger signs your marriage is at risk and what you can do to stop it.

This happens in the first year or two after you become parents. You have the new job. Bought the house, car, etc… Now you bring home your first baby. Everything is so new and exciting!

But you’re busy. Busy. Real busy adjusting to this new family.

Here’s where couples begin thinking the marriage will just have to adapt.

You think, “Well, we’re not spending as much time together, but we’ll get to it. Heck, everything is going pretty good for us.” 

Most couples go through this. It’s normal.

However too much neglect sets you up for risk #2.

Too much neglect increases conflict. You fight over roles, expectations, and assumptions about who is supposed to be doing what. Unresolved arguments fuel emotional drift.

Attempts to connect are often missed or rejected based on what is going on. Hurt feelings perpetuate the drift. Nonetheless, the couple continue to adapt to the situation thinking it will get better on its own. This is a mistake and it sets couples up for the 3rd risk.

Couples who don’t find a way to drift back together get accustomed to the distance. They end up avoiding the marriage. Tired of fighting to get their needs met, they look elsewhere. It could be work, kids, or separate social lives. Some seek connection in an affair.

Expecting your marriage to adapt too long is dangerous. Like the frog in the kettle your relationship can reach a boiling point. For some it’s too late.

Marriage doesn’t have to end in tragedy. You can do something to stop it. Here are 5 tips you can follow right away.

Avoiding is no longer a solution. Take some action.

If your problem is neglect – “We seem to be doing well as a family, but we are neglecting our marriage.”

If your problem is emotional drift – “It feels like we are drifting from each other and it worries me. I’m starting to feel lonely. How about you?”

If your problem is avoidance – “I’m sure would agree we are struggling. It seems all we do now is avoid each other. Maybe we need to get some help before it gets worse.”

Take a look at your calendar. What is occupying too much space?

Perhaps you can trim some fat off of your work schedule.

Consider eliminating one of the kid activities/sports programs.

Get your marriage some premium time on the calendar.

Smart couples invest in marriage.

Smart couples see the value in professional support.

Smart couples reap the benefits of renewed companionship and romance.

You don’t have to sit in a pot waiting for it to boil.

Take responsibility for your quality of life.

Unpack things with a professional.

What state of existence is your marriage in? Neglect? Emotional drift? Avoidance? Are you tired of simply adapting while everyone and everything else gets priority attention? Review the 5 tips. Which one do you plan to take action on now?

 

For a guy who spends the better part of his day focusing on clients, listening with intent to every word they say, and giving them some feedback that ensures they are being heard, I have a bad habit at home. You guessed it. Sometimes when I’m focusing on something I don’t hear a word my wife says.

It’s a bad habit that sometimes irritates Marian.

I get annoyed when she leaves an arsenal of shoes in the foyer. It looks like Nordstrom’s half yearly sale!

Okay. Deep breath.

Truth be told, we have a better marriage in part because we work on breaking bad habits. Here’s what we discovered. It doesn’t take too much time or energy to listen or pick up shoes. We remember a small effort matters in a big way to the other person.

Every couple can have a better marriage by changing at least one of these 5 breakable habits.

Leaving clothes on the floor, dishes in the sink or other messy habits stresses out your spouse. Or maybe your the one who makes everyone wait. Your bad habit can ruin the event for both of you.

Bad habits add stress to a marriage. Why not change one?

Put your plate and glass in the dishwasher. Get ready 5 minutes earlier for the event. Do this for 21 days in a row and you will form a new habit.

This is a bad habit most couples get into from time-to-time. Keeping score on the things your spouse is doing wrong. Keeping score on the things you are doing right. No one wins using this strategy!

Here’s a win-win solution.

Did you know people are more motivated to repeat an action when they get positive feedback?

Turn a complaint into a compliment. This is what works in our marriage. When we both agreed to work on breaking a bad habit, we cut each other some slack. Instead of complaining, we complimented each other when the new action was performed. “Thank you for putting your shoes away. It de-stresses me when I walk through the door.” “Thank you for stopping to listen to me. It makes me feel important.”

During conflict couples can get caught up blaming each other. Being defensive and turning the problem back on your spouse is a bad habit that can wreck your marriage. It also reflects some insecurity within you about owning your stuff.

Here’s a better approach.

Nobody is perfect, including you. Embrace this and it will make a big difference in your marriage. It’s as simple as saying, “You’re right. No excuses. I shouldn’t have said/done that…”

This bad habit gets spouses into trouble time and again. Assuming you know what your partner is thinking. Rushing to judgment about his/her motive. More often than not these are misassumptions. I see this often in my work with couples.

Try this habit on for size.

Rather than assume you know, why not check it out first? Ask clarifying questions like “Help me understand what you meant by what you said.” 

Marian and I will “check-in” with each other if we sense something is wrong or one of us is upset. It goes like this. “Hey I want to check in with you. Is everything okay with us?” Doing this with a respectful tone works well every time.

In my opinion, of the 5, this is the worst of all. Sadly, it is the most common bad habit I see today. Nonetheless, it is a breakable habit.

I understand the pressures of work, raising kids, and managing a household. Been there – done that. It’s challenging. I’ve heard (and made) all the excuses too–tired, no money, take a rain check.

[Tweet “Forming this one habit made a huge difference in my marriage.”]

Front-burner time doesn’t take too much effort. Here are some simple ways to get moving.

Start and end the day by connecting – morning kiss, ask about your day, cuddle time, etc…

Do a “check-in” during the course of the day to see how it is going

If you are spiritual, pray with or for each other

Establish a regular date night on your calendar as a repeating event (weekly, bi-weekly, monthly)

Plan on couple overnight or weekend getaway

Make a list of things to do this year and place it in a visible area

Think about one breakable habit you want to change this year. Enter the starting day in your calendar and commit to the new habit over the next 21 days.

 

 

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 12 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to find meaning during the holidays.

For many, Christmas is more than a gift-giving event. It is a celebration of the birth of a Savior. Others have their own religious traditions. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I share how to embrace the meaning of the holidays and pass it along to your kids.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 10 minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 11 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to help your kids keep their happy during the holidays.

The pace of the holiday season can take a toll on your kid’s mood and attitude. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I share practical tips to help your kids navigate holiday events.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 10 minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 10 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to be open to repairing relationships during the holidays.

Seeing someone in a family gathering with whom you have a strained relationship can be unpleasant. You may want to repair things. The other person may or may not. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about 3 ways to approach the holidays seeing someone with whom you have an impaired relationship.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 10 minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 9 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to give yourself a gift of self-care during the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about 5 practical ways you can be kind to yourself this holiday season.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 8 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to cope with loneliness during the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about 3 things to do to manage feelings of loneliness during the holidays.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 7 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to deal with family drama during the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about 5 ways you can deal with family drama during the holidays.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 6 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide I discuss how to cope with grief during the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I talk about how you can also support others who recently experienced a loss.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.