All About We

The second presidential debate shed light on the issue of how women are treated sexually by men. When it comes to their questionable sexual behavior, some male politicians become sex educators. They teach lessons on “locker room talk” or variations on what the meaning of the word “is” is.

Concern over the abuse of power by men toward women, whether in politics, business, or any social arena begs serious attention. Yet when we hear leaders “gaslight” their behavior what message does it send to women? How does it influence the sexual attitudes of young boys toward girls?

The term “gas-lighting” comes from the 1938 play Gaslight. The main plot focuses on a husband’s methodical attempt to convince his wife and others she is insane. He does this by manipulating her to question her perception of events. One way he accomplishes his goal is to secretly dim the gaslight in the room. When she comments that the room is getting darker, he tells her that the light intensity has not changed-“It’s just your imagination.”

The objectification of women by men ignores their equality. It dims the light on their right to be treated respectfully. “Boys will be boys” gaslights women’s reactions to inappropriate talk or touching. Tell me, is this fair treatment? What if the tables were turned guys and someone exploited you sexually?

Here are three actions a woman can take when being gaslighted by a man.

Do not allow his version of the facts of his behavior to become your version. Hold your position. Use your firm voice and tell him that his actions are inappropriate and will not be tolerated. Hold him accountable for his behavior.

Gas lighting men are not safe! If your guy is pushing your boundaries, ignoring your “no” and trying to manipulate you to go along, drop him. End the relationship. He will make you feel guilty for every problem he brings in your life. Gas lighting men do not deserve you.

You deserve a man who is attracted to your heart, who admires your intelligence, and treats you with respect. A guy who is not intimidated by your power and encourages the expression of your voice.  Keep your gaslight burning brightly.  If he respects you he will not mess with the dimmer.

Open your ears and listen guys. Women deserve nothing short of our respect. Period. Remember this the next time you encounter a woman. Think before you speak. Keep your hands to yourself–unless they are used to open her door. Let women observe you being a “gentleman”.

Sometimes guys get a bad rap from their female counterparts when it comes to communication. We can come across as being disinterested, insensitive, or clueless!

Why is it that a guy can be so open with a girl when they first start dating and so closed after they marry? Confusing huh? (I’ll get to that in a minute.)

Women often tell me she thinks her guy doesn’t open up because he doesn’t care about her feelings. Or she may say, “I don’t think I matter to him anymore.”

Truth be told, most husbands really do care about their wives, but struggle showing it in a manner that matters to her. This disconnect leaves her feeling sad, and him feeling frustrated.

Your guy doesn’t open up for reasons that are not that simple. Let’s peel the scalp back and examine the male brain. Here are three common reasons why your guy struggles with communication.

I’m not making excuses here. But let me explain why men have a hard time opening up to women. Historically, males are raised to focus on the left side of the brain. I call this the “thinking” side. Females primarily focus on the right brain hemisphere where “feelings” reside.

Young boys are encouraged to express emotions of frustration and anger, but are taught to reject (suppress) “weaker emotions”: fear, sadness, loneliness, etc…

Male social development reinforces traits of strength, competition, courage, etc… so we can be providers and protectors of our family. This over-emphasis on “thinking” limits our capacity to connect on an emotional level.

In early romance, the feeling and sensual side of the brain is activated in pursuit of the woman. Guys may report a sexual conquest to their buddies, but will conceal how he talks for hours with the girl on the phone. Meanwhile, she’s telling her girlfriends how he opens up and is so sensitive to her feelings.

After marriage, most guys deactivate the right brain and go back to left brain processing. This conditioned response promotes success in the workplace, but predicts failure at home.

Women are bilingual. They can speak the language of emotions and logic. Let’s be honest guys. We are outmatched!

When a wife needs to talk about something, men respond with the language of logic. He doesn’t know how to speak the language of emotions. So, he expects his wife to speak logic. This doesn’t help her at all. It usually makes matters worse!

Men try to speak the language of emotions but we’re amateurs. I know this is frustrating for women, especially knowing we did it during early romance. Guys get frustrated too because we were not raised to attend to feelings.

When it comes to communication, most guys resort to logic and foreplay. We fix problems, then seek connection through sex. Most women need emotional connection before they open up sexually. See the disconnect?

A pattern develops where the wife criticizes the husband’s lack of communication and he shuts down because no matter what he does, it’s never good enough. So, guys retreat and focus on what they are successful at – fixing problems at work, around the house, etc… A wife feels lonely and unimportant.

Fixing a guy’s problem with communication is primarily his to address. Guys we are raised to fix problems. If you don’t know how to express or respond to emotions, this is your job to fix. You can start by learning Emotional Intelligence. Many receive this training in the workplace. Why not apply it at home? If you need help, seek out a coach.

Ladies, you can make it a little easier on him by doing these three things.

Knowing his right brain is under-developed, you may want to lower your bar of expectation. Remember, he was not raised bilingual as you were.

Have a little empathy knowing he was likely raised to focus on his thinking brain. Remind yourself that he does care, but for now, he shows it differently.

You may have to adopt the mindset of an emotional coach. If you need to open up, prep your guy on what you need from him. Here’s what you might say.

You don’t need to fix anything right now. It would mean a lot to me if you just listened and try to understand what I would like to express.

After you talk to him, ask him if he could tell you what he understands you’re saying.

Most guys I talk to are not interested in compliments, they just want some acknowledgement of their effort. Your guy just wants to know you see he is trying. This positive feedback loop will inform him to keep it up.

Say things like, “Thank you. It really helped me when you listened and told me you understood how I felt. That’s all I needed.” Remember, guys have a fixer mentality. If you say listening helps, then he thinks he’s fixed the problem. Make sense?

What did you learn about your guy that will help you in trying to connect with him going forward?

If you’re a guy, what do you plan to do to work on the right side of your brain?

Listen to the All About We Podcast in the link at the top where I dig deeper on this topic.

Your first marriage didn’t work. As you enter a second marriage, you pray it turns out better. Not just for your sake, but for the benefit of your kids as well.

Blended families are more challenging to unite than biological ones. Trust me, I know by experience! Like me, you began with a vision of your blended family only to discover not everyone is on board. Getting members of broken families to trust and respect a step family is not an easy task.

If you are frustrated, confused, or have emotional bruises being a stepparent you are not alone. Blended families take time and patience to develop.

Whether you are starting out or been going at it for some time, here are 5 essential ingredients to add to develop a healthy blended family.

Readiness is a key factor in starting a blended family. If you jump into a relationship right after divorce, this may be too much for your kids. Your kids need time to recover from their parents divorce. Maybe you do too!

Before you introduce kids to a prospective married partner, make sure this relationship has matured. Talk to them about your partner before you make formal introductions.

Do not force-feed your relationship upon the children. Remember, kids prefer the bio-family. A blended family is more of an acquired taste.

Plan a series of activities the kids can enjoy. Allow time for bonding to occur before you discuss establishing a blended home.

Once you begin establishing a bond with kids, you can get a better assessment of how they are attaching to the stepparent and step siblings. Talk with your mate about each child: age, temperament, attachment style, maturity level, how they cope, personal interests, etc… Be sure to include information about the strength of bond the child has with the biological parent.

As stepparent, you can find a range of adult leadership that fits for each child and establish expectations about your role accordingly.

When you decide to marry and blend families, plan a time to talk to the kids about it. Share your expectations about how the blended family will work. Listen and respond to their concerns.

Establish a forum to talk about the transition. Discuss geographical layout–bedrooms, bathrooms, etc… Ask questions and get input from the kids about the transition. You want their buy in and this is more likely achieved if they have a voice and you exhibit some flexibility.

Step kids live on two planets, not one. Keep this in mind at all times. The last thing they need to hear is your sentiments toward the ex-spouse. Show respect. If kids complain about differences in rules, validate their confusion and/or anger, then clarify how things run in your home.

There is a temptation to lean to one side over the other. Some bio-parents feel guilty and may compensate by showing love without enforcing limits. Stepparents correct this problem by being overly strict. However, this alienates stepchildren.

Creating a safe, predictable, loving and fun environment with limits provides a healthy environment where kids can flourish.

If you parent within a blended family, what are some things you do that make it work well? Feel free to leave a comment below or on one of my social media sites.

If you are struggling in getting your blended family to mix well, what one of the 5 ingredients will you add?

Raising kids to become responsible adults is every parent’s dream. We hold our breath raising kids, dreading the nightmare of adult kids screwing up and expecting us to bail them out.

In the empty nest stage, you can finally exhale knowing your kids have flown the coup and are navigating their flight into adulthood.

I know the feeling now that all three of my kids are living on their own. 2016 has been an especially meaningful year for me as an adult dad. I stepped in as a parent in each of their lives in a manner that gave them the support they needed without taking control.

Three years ago I wrote a blog When Your Kids Become Adults. It was based on a conversation I had with my youngest son Jordan, who shared his interest in moving to Arizona. In August, my wife and I visited him there and were impressed with how well he is doing staying on course with his plan.

In June I had the honor of officiating my son Justin’s wedding. We had some deep conversations on what it means to be an adult man and husband. Just two weeks ago we talked about a turbulent period in his young adult life that was tough on both of us. Tears of forgiveness flowed as two adult men hugged each other while we were hanging out in his backyard.

Mid-July I travelled with my daughter Candace and her tribe of five to see her husband who recently returned to the military. It is not easy being a military family. Sacrifices are the norm. I witnessed the strength in their marriage as they support each other in the duties they perform. Candace told me several times what it meant to her to have me travel with them. It’s a week I will treasure forever.

My three kids are doing pretty good finding their way into adulthood. It’s not perfect. They face challenges and hardships from time-to-time. But when they do I know my role.

Here are three lessons I learned from my adult kids about the empty nest.

They want to enjoy an adult relationship with us. It is their way of honoring us for a job well done! Sure, they may have problems to talk about, but they just want us to listen, provide some emotional support, and maybe a little advice–not too much. Here’s why.

They understand that in order to mature, they have to learn to problem solve. If you did everything for them earlier in life, this phase may be harder. However, as a parent you must learn when to step in and how to step back. Listen to the All About We Podcast episode (at top of this page) as I get into this process.

One of the biggest lessons I learned from my three kids is that in hard times they just wanted to know that I was present to listen and that I had confidence in them to figure things out.

It is very important to your kids that you see them as adults. They want you to kick back and enjoy them and not worry so much. Things are never going to be perfect. Don’t come over and tell them what they’re doing wrong, how to do it better, etc… You get the picture.

When you hang out, let them pick up the check from time-to-time. My kids enjoy doing this! It is part of the rite of passage into adulthood.

During my recent trip to Arizona to visit my son Jordan, I recorded a podcast with my cohost, Amanda Berlin. The interview topic was based on my blog “When Your Kids Become Adults”. I talk about the 3-Cs of parenting adult kids. You do not want to miss this podcast! Click the recording at the top of this blog.

Did you go into marriage vowing to resent each other as long as you both shall live? I didn’t think so. Like most couples, you vowed to love, honor, and respect each other.

You started on a path of mutual love and respect then at some point you lost your way. The Big 3: work, kids, and managing a household, sucked up a lot of your time and energy, leaving little for yourself or each other. Conversations were mostly task-oriented. You fought more than you fondled each other.

I think you get the picture. Now you’re in a bad place. Respect has morphed into resentment.

Resentment is a defense mechanism. It serves as a shield against future harm. A spouse can use it to create space and avoid being hurt again. Lingering resentment will suffocate your marriage.

So, how can you move from resenting to respecting each other? You can do this together by making these six agreements.

[Tweet ” Lingering resentment will suffocate your marriage.”]

As I indicated, resentment functions as a protector. It shields you from future harm. The downside of this strategy is that it prevents the opportunity for close connection. You miss out on intimacy. Ignored resentment is a predictor of an unhappy marriage.

Marital discord is less about the recent argument and more about the resentful pattern. Rather than locking horns on the latest dispute maybe it’s time to talk about the resentment that sits between you.

Own your resentment. “I purposely push you away with my resentment.” Ask your spouse if they are open to listen and understand your resentment. If he/she is, then share it in a tone of respect. It will be easier to listen if your tone is respectful.

Behind anger or resentment is hurt. Convey your hurt. It might be helpful to write it in the form of a letter you can read. Here is an example: “I am hurt by what you did (or didn’t do) in our relationship. Resenting you became easier than feeling the hurt of rejection.”

I understand it is a risk to be vulnerable. You do not want to be hurt again. The next step is for your partner.

This will take a level of courage on your part that matches that shown by your spouse when she/he owned their resentment. This is not a time to cross your arms and be defensive. You will kill a moment and destroy your marriage if you defend or blame.

Be open and listen with fresh ears. Show some empathy, look your mate in the eye and convey that you care about their feelings. Validate your spouse’s experience. “What I hear you saying is…” “I know this was not easy for you to share…” “I respect you for the courage to be honest with me…”

In previous blogs I introduced the concept of the Repair Kit. Without going into detail, here are the 5 steps.

Admit your offenses.

Acknowledge how your actions specifically hurt your spouse.

Accept responsibility for your behavior without blame.

Ask for forgiveness.

Agree that you will work on changing the pattern of behavior causing hurt and resentment.

Letting go of resentment begins by accepting your partner’s actions as a sincere attempt to repair. Mutually agree to consciously work on letting go. Be patient with the process and each other. Letting go takes time, but you must start working at it right away. You will also have to face your fear of future hurt. If you want intimacy in the marriage you must confront your fear.

Moving from resenting to respecting each other requires a different tone of interaction. Start by being considerate in little ways toward each other. Small acts of courtesy or kindness goes a long way. Baby steps become bigger ones soon. Finally, acknowledge the effort of your spouse with a “Thank you for…”

Are you tired by the weight of resentment you carry? Perhaps today is the start of losing it. Here are some next steps to consider.

Ask your spouse to read this blog and/or listen to the podcast (link above).

Follow up with a conversation to see if he/she wants to work on the 6 agreements.

If the two of you don’t think you can do it together consider a couples counselor to assist.

Read my book, Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict

Marian and I were on our way home from a family event. We had a great time and were really excited because the next morning we were leaving for vacation. For some strange reason we got into a heated argument over something stupid. Because we were both exhausted we hit the pause button and went to sleep. In the morning before we packed our bags, we unpacked the problem.

We’ve developed a strategy to manage conflicts that make it easier to recover from a major argument. Needless to say it came in handy. No way this petty fight was going to ruin our vacation.

As I reflected on it, I decided to share our approach with you. So, here are 5 things you can do to recover from a major argument.

If you are having a knock-down, drag-out fight, it’s not solving anything. It’s only doing more damage. So do this:

Put your weapons down

Take time to cool off

Give each other some space–emotionally and physically

This has three parts:

Inventory the damage inflicted upon you – how did your spouse specifically hurt you?

Inventory the damage you inflicted on your partner – where did you cross the line?

Inventory the damage done in the family – did the kids overhear? Who was caught in the crossfire?

Start by owning the damage you inflicted. Marian and I follow a 5-step plan. I use it with couples and families in my practice. If you would like it please request it on my contact page and I will send it to you.

The key here is to be able to own what you did wrong and apologize for your actions. Equally important is being honest with your spouse about how you were hurt in the argument.

By taking turns owning and repairing conflict, a fair exchange of apologies can aid the recovery process.

Major blowups may take a few hours or days to recover, depending on the offense and degree of harm.  People who compartmentalize things tend to get over arguments quickly. However, others who process emotionally take more time.

Here are two suggestions:

Do not to push your spouse into getting over it.

Do not drag your feet in recovery.

Feelings of rejection may surface when one is reaching out to connect and the other is not responding. If you need more time to recover you can say something like: “I appreciate you trying to connect. I’m working on recovering from our fight, but I’m not quite there yet.”

Exchanging apologies is important but it doesn’t necessarily resolve the original problem. I recommend you revisit the issue by taking a different approach to guide conversation.

Take turns talking about it.

Agree to be open to listen to each other’s perspective.

Give consideration to your partner’s point of view.

Seek compromise if at all possible.

If your spouse has a better perspective or idea, acknowledge it

Finally, two things Marian and I do that decrease the frequency, intensity and duration of major arguments. First, we talk about what we learned from the argument that we want to work on. For example, we talked about how we were feeling run down going into the vacation and not as tuned in to each other.

One other thing we find helpful is identifying where we are improving in communication and getting through arguments better. By working hard at recovery together you can celebrate success turning a major argument into a major victory!

What do you do that helps you recover from a major argument? Add to the list of 5 I offer so readers can have more ready-to-use ideas. Feel free to share your comments below.

You are in a good rhythm. Family is going well. Bills are being paid–on time. Life is not perfect but your content. The week ends and you’re looking forward to wind down together for family night with pizza and Netflix.

Your spouse pulls into the driveway, enters the house with a distraught look on his face and announces that he was laid off his job.  At the sound of those words the relaxing weekend went down the drain.

Forget about going out for dinner tonight.  We are staying home and having Ramen noodles.

Have you ever had that sick feeling? You’re not alone.

A few months ago my wife announced she was being laid off from a job she held for 21 years due to a corporate restructure. The writing was on the wall earlier in the year, but based on her performance we thought she would survive the cut. When it became official it was devastating.

As her husband I wondered, “How do I support Marian during this difficult time following her job loss?” I was in unchartered waters and did not want to make it harder on her.  Some things I did worked, others not so well. Here are 6 ways you can support your spouse following a job loss.

A job loss impacts both of you. While you might initially be aware of how it affects you, hit the pause button and focus on your spouse.

This is a time to support your partner as he/she processes the initial reaction to the situation. Sometimes they are in shock. It may feel catastrophic, or they may act upbeat to show they can handle the situation.

The initial reaction is often short-lived, however you want to listen as they let out their reaction. They may feel angry, betrayed, fearful, guilty. These are normal reactions that need a safe release point. Be emotionally supportive and validate their feelings.

Wedding vows come to mind here. “…in good times or in bad…” Your spouse may feel like a failure and might be too hard on him/herself. Normalize the experience. “You are not the only one going through this. We will get through it together.”

It may take a while for your spouse to get through the loss. Depending on the significance of loss your partner may experience a season of grief. Marian worked for her company for over two decades and managed several teams. It took time to recover from the loss of relationships she treasured.

This can be a little tricky because you just emotionally propped up your spouse and now they are going to hear how the job loss affects you. Think about the timing in sharing your reactions. If your spouse is not emotionally ready, delay it for a few hours or a day or two.

You may have similar emotions of anger, betrayal, or fear. In my case, I was angry at the company. Marian was a hard-working, dedicated, and caring individual who gave 100% effort. I felt she deserved better treatment.

Some spouses have a difficult time being supportive when job loss is a pattern based on poor performance. If there is a pattern of job loss you may need to express other concerns.

How this pattern causes mistrust

The need for a protocol to address factors contributing to the pattern

Are there coach able issues

Are there underlying issues that need counseling focus

Financial pressures increase following the loss of employment. Your spouse’s worry about being a provider is compounded by loss of income. This is a time to come together and discuss finances. Find ways to cut fat out of the budget.

Give feedback on job hunt, resume writing, career focus, etc…

Be careful about your boundaries regarding the responsibility to solve the problem of the job loss. Avoid the polar extremes of enmeshment or complete disengagement.

Job loss can be an emotional roller coaster with no definitive end in sight. Nagging, criticizing attempts to motivate generally don’t work. Nor does being emotionally cold and distant.

Your best approach is patience and a positive attitude. Don’t focus on the negative. See the positive no matter how little it is, and punctuate it.

Bite your tongue. If you have to share a criticism in his/her approach or attitude, be sure it is constructive and communicated respectfully.

If you’ve been through this before what did you do to support your spouse that worked? What didn’t work?

Okay, take a deep breath. You can do this. This year does not have to be a repeat of last. You can break the power struggle with your kids over school.

You’re not alone, many parents dread the start of the school year. Getting kids back in the mindset of school is not an easy task. Keeping them focused throughout the school year is tough.

Parents and kids form habits about the school year. For some, it works well, with kids staying on track and performing well. If that’s you, then you can skip this blog and find another topic to explore. However, if you’ve developed some bad habits with your kids about school, you need a new approach.

Recently, parents scheduled time with me to develop a new strategy for the school year. We talked about three things:

What they did that doesn’t work.

How to get on the same page.

How to construct a new plan for their kids.

After a few sessions the kids joined their parents. We accomplished three things:

Dad and mom shared the plan and the kids could only listen.

The kids provided feedback, sharing their ideas,

After some tweaking the entire family bought into the plan.

Now they are prepared to go into the school year with new habits to form.

Here are 7 tips every parent can use to help their student start and finish the school year strong.

Erase the memory of the past year. Empty the trash bin in your brain. Get the dread out of your head! If you begin with a negative attitude you activate the old habits. This is not time for a parent lecture either. Wipe the slate clean.

If you are not on the same page then start here. Parents often schedule time with me so that they can learn how to get on the same page. It’s not that hard when you have a third-party coach working with you.

Share your hopes and expectations for the new school year. Establish a simple plan for homework that is clear and easy to enforce. Include an incentive plan and clearly defined consequences for non-compliance.

Plan a back-to-school meeting with your kids and explain together the plan you have devised. Inform them that you will open the floor for discussion after you have laid out the plan completely.

Allow your kids opportunity to give their feedback and suggestions. This encourages self-expression and will likely get buy-in if they feel they have a voice. Kids often come up with good ideas. Be clear that parents make the final decision.

Make the plan visual. Construct a visual board in the kitchen. Put it in the daily/weekly family calendar on their electronic devises.

Here is where many parents fail their kids. They do not follow-through on execution. Trust me, I hear this often from kids. They complain that parents don’t hold them accountable–that they threaten but do not enforce consequences.

Kids will test the integrity of the plan, looking for weaknesses. Expect this and be prepared to take action. Follow-through is critical to a strong ending of the school year. Be consistent in keeping the plan in place.

This family meeting time must be guarded at all cost. Establish a forum of discussion about the plan, how it’s working and what needs tweaking. Encourage your kids to talk about the school year, what they like, don’t like, and where they might feel stuck. Listen well and collaborate with the child how he/she can problem-solve the situation.

Communicate early and often with teachers, especially if it is a class your child struggles in academically. If you utilize tutors, be sure your conversing with them regularly in order to stay apprised of your child’s progress. By all means, be a frequent visitor of the parent portal many schools offer parents to monitor homework, assignments, etc…

Establish incentives that motivate your kids to action they can achieve throughout the year. These don’t have to be expensive incentives. Playing a game together at night after homework doesn’t cost anything. Going out to eat after a major project is can be a fun way of celebrating goals reach or target behaviors accomplished.

Do you have a “back to school” tip you can add to the list? Share it with the community by leaving a comment below.

 

Get the picture? It’s not easy for parents or their kids who suffer with mental illness. If you follow my writing you know I refer to mental illness disorders as “intruders”. Conditions like depression, anxiety, or ADD, intrude in a person’s life, not to mention the family too. It’s not easy on anyone!

Parents who raise kids with mental illness are heroes. Plain and simple. They have been placed in charge of helping kids navigate a world that is not in sync with their brains.

General parenting books do not work in this household. They read more complex books dealing with developmental problems such as neurological compromises, attachment disorders, emotional and behavioral dysregulation, impulse control, and sensory or social integration problems.

Depending on the mental illness, adapting in a social environment comes with it’s own unique set of challenges. Kids may display unruly or oppositional behavior. They don’t readily listen to direction and may defy parents or act out publicly, often creating an embarrassing scene. Because this behavior fails to meet social norms, kids with mental illness and their parents are often misjudged.

All parents fear failure. Parents of kids with mental illness experience this exponentially. They wonder what’s wrong with their approach and why it appears to be so much easier for other parents. They eventually come to understand that kids with arrested development need a modified approach in parenting that fits with their unique needs. Most of all they worry if their kids will successfully launch as independent adults.

It takes courage and consistency to be a hero parent. Most importantly, it requires a boatload of unconditional love. So, if you are a friend, neighbor, or relative of these hero parents, here are a few things they need and don’t need from us.

Do not offer unsolicited advice. You may have good intentions, but do not take it upon yourself to give them parenting advice. Parenting is not a “one size fits all” skill.

The best way to understand them is to get to know them. Listen and be open to learn about the world they live in. Their story is unique and deeply personal. Making an effort to get to know and understand them will give you insight and empathy–not sympathy.

Hero parents don’t feel heroic on the job. They are hard on themselves. They feel our eyes on them and their kid. The disapproving look, roll of the eyes, or whispered comment to a friend, don’t go unnoticed. Judgment on their child or parenting is based on ignorance and is unfair. Please don’t do it.

Acceptance is a fundamental social need. Families with mental illness crave acceptance too! They do not want to be marginalized in social events. Please don’t avoid them. Have them over to your home.

Feeling sorry for parents of kids with mental illness is veiled judgment. It’s as if your saying, “Your mentally ill child is the cause of your struggles. Your life would be so much better if he/she was normal.” These heroes are not victims. They are fellow parents who struggle just like you. It just so happens their role is more challenging due to the intruder of mental illness.

They don’t need your sympathy. They need your support. Adapt to their social needs and do the best you can to help. Learn about the mental illness and how to modify your approach interacting with their child or providing back-up to the parent.

Spend time with their family. Have them over to your home.

Give them a night out by watching their kids.

Offer practical support, and extra set of hands when they are dealing with an episode.

Add humor to their life.

Listen, offer a shoulder to cry on, a friend to lean on.

Pray for their family

Now it’s your turn

If you are a hero parent of a kid with mental illness I’d like to hear from you. What can you add to the list of things you need or don’t need from family, friends, or the community? Please leave your comments below.

 

Many years ago my personal life was in shambles. At the time I was going through divorce. I faced many challenges: concerns about my kids, establishing new housing, paying bills, and several other difficult adjustments. If this set of problems wasn’t enough, I had to deal with a myriad of emotions that surfaced throughout this phase. I had some rough days on the job too. Can you relate?

Here are some of the personal struggles that can put your life in shambles.

Serious breakup or divorce

Discovery of an affair

Major behavioral problem with one or more of your children

Family member in the throes of an addiction

Chronic health condition

You can add your own problem to the list

Is your personal life in shambles? If so, I understand how difficult it may be for you right now. Containing personal problems as you work through them is not easy. It can leak out into your public life. Trying to keep it together at work can be extremely difficult since so much of a waking day is spent on the job.

When your personal life is in shambles it makes everything harder. The world doesn’t stop because you have an issue that drags you down. Nor can you freeze frame the planet until you get it together.

Personal problems can play like a soundtrack in your head throughout the day. Co-workers may notice something different in your demeanor. Perhaps you find yourself making mistakes, missing deadlines, getting to work late, or stuck on personal calls. Like the woman in the picture, it’s hard to focus on your job.

You can do a better job focusing on work by adopting these 5 strategies.

“Living in” your personal problems can feel permanent. You may feel stuck. “Going through” has movement–a beginning and an end. While your life may look like a disaster zone remember this. After a tornado has swept “through”, people rebuild.

Consider the difference in internal dialogue and decide what attitude you prefer to adopt.

It will be like this forever

Nothing will ever be the same again

I’m stuck now for the rest of my life

It’s hard now, but it will get better

Things will change eventually

I can do something little today to move my life forward–like going to work

When you adopt a “going through” mindset you are more likely to find a way to “get through” the day at work and be productive.

Your mind needs a break from your personal problems. Dwelling on them throughout the day can make it worse. By focusing on work, you can get your mind off negative thinking and onto processing tasks that yield positive and productive results. This is really effective if you truly love your job.

Many work cultures are safe and supportive. Having a brief conversation with your manager (if you have one) may be helpful. It’s not necessary to go deep into your personal life. The key is to inform this person that you “going through” some personal struggles currently. Most employers/managers are understanding and accommodating in these types of situations. Be clear on the following:

You do not want your personal problems to hamper your work

You are working through the problem(s)

Hit the pause button on your personal problems. Limit interactions with others associated with the problem. Don’t field phone calls unless it is an emergency. If necessary, schedule time during your break to address the problems.

Establishing boundaries is good for your mental health. By not allowing your personal problems to invade every area of your life you demonstrate good coping skills. Remember, manage your problems or your problems will manage you.

Do you have a good support system? What about coping strategies? Have you figured out a plan yet to work through the shambles? Here are some suggestions on how to establish a good plan.

Establish a small network of trusted people with whom you can rely on as a support system and sounding board to address your problems.

Consider individual counseling as a safe place to unpack the problem, develop coping tools, and devise a plan to “get through” things.

Develop daily routines/habits to help you release stress and process internal reactions

Exercise

Journaling

Massage

Music

Art

Reading

Your preferred choice…

So there you have it. Five approaches you can adopt that will help you focus on work when your personal life is in shambles. Do you have other suggestions? Feel free to leave a comment below.