A week ago, I spent a week traveling the east coast with my daughter and 5 grandkids. We visited my son-in-law Joshua at his army base. We had a wonderful trip! I had the opportunity to observe a military couple operate as partners in parenting. I was very impressed to see how they function on the same page when together or apart. It’s not easy, but they find a way to make it happen.

Being on the same page is not easy!

Couples often struggle getting on the same page when it comes to parenting their kids. They have differences about parenting styles. One might believe his/her approach is better. A power struggle for control over parenting develops. Criticism, interference, overruling, or undermining behaviors divide parents even further. Kids observe the division and use it to their advantage. Bedlam results.

Sound familiar? How do couples end up on opposite sides?

Several factors contribute to the struggle. Let’s take a look at some of the things that cause parents to be on a different page when it comes to raising kids.

Family background

Family-of-origin contributes significantly to how most people parent their kids. We often repeat patterns we learned growing up. Some adopt approaches quite the opposite of their parents. They vow that they will not allow their kids to experience the hardship they did by poor parenting.

Expectations about roles

Couples often approach parenting with unspoken expectations about roles. Assumptions are made about who should be doing what and how it should be done. One’s cultural background may play a key role here. If you come from divergent backgrounds you may argue a lot about how to raise the kids.

Gender differences

Males and females have different lenses by which they look at raising children. A father may view the mother as being “too soft”, while she may view him as being “too harsh” in parenting approach. Questions about who is the primary parent, who will sacrifice career, etc… can come under the umbrella of gender expectations about responsibilities.

Attachment styles

How parents attach to children may be different. One may have a more nurturing attachment style. The other may be more detached. These often emerge from family-of-origin types of connection or ways of expressing sentiment.

Fears about parenting

All parents experience some fear in parenting. We are afraid we will screw our kids up! Some experience exaggerated fear. Consequently, they put a lot of pressure on themselves and their kids to be perfect. A less anxious parent may argue that the other is overly-focused, controlling, and stressing the kids out.

8 Agreements of Partners in Parenting

When parents fight they function more like opponents than partners in parenting. Kids don’t feel safe. Therefore, you have to find a way to come together. Here are 8 agreements partners in parenting make when it comes to raising their kids.

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#1: Agree to stop criticizing the negative and compliment the positive

Criticizing each other only fuels the power struggle. Knock it off! Do what partners in parenting do. They start by complimenting the positive things each other does. If they have to address a problem, they do it respectfully.

#2: Agree to learn your partner’s narrative on parenting

We have stories about growing up. These experiences shape how we see the world and how we view family life. Do you know the positive and negative experiences that influence your partner’s view of raising kids and what it means to be a mom or dad?

I think couples can do a great service to parenting by taking time to listen to each other’s story.

In recent years, we’ve witnessed our fair share of natural disasters. Perhaps you experienced one firsthand. Watching the news I try to imagine what it is like for people who see their homes leveled by a tornado, earthquake, or some other calamity. It’s painful to watch the tears streaming down their face as they sift through the debris, picking up the few things that were unharmed by the catastrophic event.

An exposed affair can have the same kind of effect. The physical house may remain intact–but not the foundation of the home. The marriage received a massive hit. Everything in the house looks the same but feels different. The family pictures, master bedroom, everything that symbolizes a happy marriage and family feels like a facade.

As couples assess the damage they wonder, “Can we recover?” If recovery is possible it will require some awareness and effort by the involved spouse and injured spouse in the following areas:

* Effect of the affair on both partners

* Effect of the affair on the injured spouse

* Effect of the affair on the involved spouse

* Repairing the betrayal wound

* Rebuilding the trust

* Restoring the intimacy

Effect on Both Spouses

First, let’s take a look at the effect an affair has on the married couple. Afterwards, I will share the unique effect it has on each spouse.

Profound loss of security in the marital bond

The secure base is suddenly missing. Trust has been breached by betrayal. The foundation of the marriage is unstable. Both partners are reeling from the effects of the disclosure.

Alarming concern about the status of the marriage

Suddenly everything in the home is stained by an awareness of the affair. Rooms, pictures, and people look different. Do the kids know? What do we say to our family and friends? Will all this change? Can we recover?

Tendency to act quickly to minimize the damage

To cope with the situation, one or both partners may act in a manner that lessens the severity of the situation. Extreme attempts to reestablish security are made. Couples may have sex, go on dates, etc…

Intolerable emotional pain

As the reality of an affair sets in, emotions intensify. The injured spouse experiences waves of anger, sadness, and fear. The involved spouse may have intense feelings of guilt, shame, and in some cases anger too. This anger is often self-directed, but may also be at the spouse for reasons that were unaddressed previously in the marriage.

Massive breakdown in communication

As emotions intensify, communication can deteriorate into outbursts of anger, further accusations and threats about the future. A couple who could normally resolve their differences now have a hard time being in the room together.

Difficulty in managing daily routines

After an affair is discovered the normal rhythm of life is changed. Daily routines are difficult to manage. Couples often report that they feel like zombies, totally numb as they navigate daily tasks.

Effect on the Injured Spouse

Traumatic aftershocks of the event

Uniquely troublesome to the injured spouse is the re-traumatization that occurs for a long period of time–at least one year. Aftershock triggers emotionally catapult the injured spouse back to day one when the betrayal was discovered. These aftershocks are common and challenging for couples to manage. It can muddle their perception of progress toward recovery.

Plaguing thoughts about the nature of the affair

Injured spouses are plagued with thoughts and questions about the nature of the affair. They have a litany of “why? and what?” questions. They want to know what was wrong in the marriage. Details about the nature of the affair, type, quality,

A few years ago Marian and I decided to remodel our kitchen. We chose to do a complete demolition down to the studs and rebuild with upgraded materials, appliances, and furnishings.

To chronicle the project we took “before and after” pictures. Comparing the photos highlighted the dramatic transformation. Needless to say it was well worth the time, energy, and investment to have something we truly enjoy!

Marriages need updating. Do you know what I mean? Keeping the same look and feel without modification, can look old and outdated–as if you took a careless approach to life together.

Often couples come to see me immediately after the exposure of an affair. As I listen to them share the heartbreaking story, I ponder two questions, “What did the marriage look like before the affair?” and “What will it look like after?” Like my kitchen, I wonder if they need a complete overhaul to the studs. Or is this a wakeup call for some updating.

No doubt, infidelity can wreck a marriage, damage kids, and affect extended family and friends who care about you. It is not a pleasant moment to witness the involved partner look into the eyes of the injured partner who has been crushed by the confession of an affair. My hope is that I can help them walk through a process of recovery that will not only heal the current pain but give the relationship a new look, one better than the “before picture”.

7 Common Factors That Increase the Risk of an Affair

Over the next two weeks I will give you a look at marriages “before the affair” and “after the affair”.  First, let’s start with 7 common factors that increase the risk of an affair. I will follow with 5 affair-proofing strategies.

#1: Lack of attention to your relationship

Couples who move marriage to the back-burner to focus on kids, work, and household responsibilities neglect the key health component in the family–their marriage. Consequently, their “couple identity” connected around fun, adventure, and romance slowly evaporates.

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#2: Over-Involvement in kids, work, household tasks, etc…

For a variety of reasons I will not address here, couples today over invest in kids, work, and the pursuit of the American Dream. They are trying to create the idyllic picture of a beautiful home and well-bred children. To achieve this they move at a speed that outpaces Superman! From dawn to dusk, couples expend energy in these tasks to the exclusion of the marriage. Which leads to the next risk factor.

#3: Marital drift

When marital needs are neglected, a slow imperceptible drift begins. A spouse may alert the other of concerns about the marriage, but nothing serious is done to address it. Over time, as the intimacy needs in the marriage go unmet, vulnerability exists for one or both partners to seek intimacy elsewhere.

#4: Poor communication and conflict resolution patterns

Communication ranks high in the area couples report as a cause for marital dissatisfaction. Lacking the ability to resolve conflicts, many couples stockpile them for ammunition in future arguments. To cope, these couples often go into a “cold war”, not talking for hours or days until they are ready to reengage the relationship. Some stop talking about important subjects just to avoid an argument.

#5: Marrying for the wrong reasons

Some people marry before they are ready for it. They have not figured themselves out and are compensating by getting married. Others, give up a part of themselves in order to make the marriage work. Later, they feel something is missing.

Here is a common story I hear from women in an empty relationship.

“I tried so hard to make this relationship work. It often felt like I was doing the work of two. I guess it was okay at first because I figured he’d come around. But when he didn’t I started feeling concerned. Every time I talked to him about my feelings I was never taken seriously.

Rejection set in. Later it morphed into resentment. For awhile I just dealt with it. I tried to ignore my feelings hoping things would get better on their own. But it didn’t.

Then it happened. Something inside of me shifted. My feelings died. I started grieving the relationship. I stopped trying to make the marriage work. Instead, I began thinking about how my life could be better without him in it. I decided to tell my spouse that my feelings are dead. Our marriage is about to be over.

Suddenly, he is alarmed. He wakes up. Now he wants to save the marriage. Everything I asked for in the past is now his top priority. He is “all in” to prove he can be “that guy” again. In fact, he announces that he is willing to go to marriage counseling.

It feels like too little too late. I can’t feel the love anymore.

Can I resuscitate my feelings?”

The Straight Answer

The straight answer is – maybe. I know it’s not a definitive yes or no. When it comes to a person’s heart it is a subjective process. So many factors come into play. I see individuals who were successful in resuscitating feelings. Sadly, I also witness those who could not.

If your heart has any hope of resuscitation it’s going to take a lot of work and time to recover. So, what does it take? Here are 5 key decisions.

It takes a willingness on your part to allow your spouse a chance to earn his way back in

This is hard because it may feel like you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and rejection. I know it is a risk, but you won’t know if your heart can open up again unless you try.

It takes a commitment by your spouse to focus primarily on your heart

Attempts to by your spouse to win your heart will not be easy. He will have to work hard and long to resuscitate your heart. Some guys give up early when they realize it will take a lot of work. Many are not capable of weathering the resistance they will likely face from you.

If your guy stands a chance of winning your heart back he must understand what you endured all these years. He needs to focus on your heart and exhibit sustained empathy.

Now for the confusing part. As he starts giving you attention, it may make you angry and resist it. Why? Because he waited until you shut down before he decided to work on the relationship. Suddenly, he starts doing all things you begged for before and expects you to be happy. When you resist his effort he feels rejected. If your heart stands a chance of being resuscitated he can’t give up.

It takes set timeframes to see if resuscitation is working

So much is at stake here. A willingness on your part. A commitment on his. Now you need a set timeframe to see if the heart can respond. When I work with couples in situations like this I suggest a timeframe of three months to start. We measure progress along the way.

Rebuilding of trust takes time. Here’s my formula. Trust = behavior over time. Is your man consistently showing you love and attention? Does he show thoughtfulness and flexibility? Has he met resistance with consistency? If the answer is yes then you may decide to go another three months.

If resuscitation is not working, accept the reality that your feelings are unrecoverable. You tried but it wasn’t enough. Your marriage is dead. It’s time to grieve and end it.

If you come from a Judeo-Christian background or watch the anime series on Netflix, you’ve heard the term “seven deadly sins”. The concept originated in the 3rd century by a religious monk, Evagrius Ponticus. It is featured in literary works including the Canterbury Tales and Dante’s Inferno. The seven deadly sins are: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, anger, and sloth.

Lately, I have been working with individuals who are either going through divorce, or dealing with post-divorce problems. Having experienced divorce several years ago, I understand it on personal and professional levels. Divorce is an emotionally painful process. It is something you want to avoid if possible. Here are some of the challenges divorced couples face.

* Death of a marriage.

* Facing the unknown.

* Negotiating transition.

* Impact on the children.

* Dealing with residual anger and hurt.

* Transition of home, in-law relationships, friends, etc…

* Financial matters.

If your marriage does end, don’t make your life harder by falling prey to the seven deadly sins of divorce. Giving in to these temptations will hinder your recovery and have a negative effect on you and your children (if you have them).

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The deadly sin of envy or gloating

I call these the “combo sin” because they tend to go hand-in-hand. Being envious of your former spouse’s life post-divorce does you harm. Gloating in their misfortune has little value. Yielding to these temptations will have a negative effect on your self-esteem. Envy makes you feel bad about yourself. Gloating is feeling good at the expense of your ex. I’m sure there are more healthy ways to feel good about yourself.

The deadly sin of bitterness

Entertain envy too long and it morphs into bitterness. Once this sin gets a grip on you, it puts your future on hold. Unchecked bitterness commandeers your head and heart. It robs you of the happiness you deserve. Furthermore, bitterness gives your former spouse passive control over your life. He/she may be moving forward but you are lagging behind holding on to something that is only hurting you.

The deadly sin of vengeance

If you’ve ever seen the movie, The War of the Roses, you have an idea of the destructive nature of vengeance. Attempting to get payback on an ex-spouse is dangerous on multiple levels. It may give you temporary pleasure to embarrass or shame him/her publicly, but it can also make you look bad too.

Vengeance is a distraction from moving forward. It elicits more drama and makes you look weak. In more extreme cases, I know people who sought vengeance end up facing legal troubles or incarceration. If your ex-spouse treated you wrong, and you want justice, let karma take care of it. Or as the Bible states, “Vengeance is mine says the Lord.”

The deadly sin of indoctrinating children

Hopefully you understand the deadly effect unchecked sins have in your life. Now let’s take it to an even deeper level. Indoctrinating your kids into your view of the ex-spouse is a deadly sin. They did not divorce a parent. You divorced each other.

Your children cannot handle the weight of your emotional burden. Please do not put this on them! Telling kids your version of the story or allowing them to be within hearing distance of you talking to someone else is harmful to them. It is psychologically and emotionally damaging. Furthermore, it pressures them to choose their loyalty.

I know some may argue that the ex-spouse was abusive, addicted, or did other harmful things that destroyed the mar...

Many years ago when I was going through divorce, followed by a career change, I had no idea how things were going to work out. The unknown was intimidating to say the least. I was afraid that I might make a wrong decision that would threaten not only my future, but my kids as well. No doubt, it was a dark period for all of us.

Have you ever been in a dark place? Perhaps you’re there right now. Your darkness may be a career loss, an illness, a death of a loved one, or a failed relationship. I understand your fear of the unknown. I was there too. Maybe like me, you realize that remaining stuck in a dark place is not good. The longer you’re in it, the more it can feel permanent. The effect of the darkness can eat away at your soul. You feel like you’re dying on the inside.

Residing in a dark place is not good. You may be at risk for problems like depression, anxiety, dependency on drugs, alcohol, or some other form of impulsive behavior. These things compound the problems you already face. By far, the greatest risk is a loss of self. You can become disconnected to your true self.

I know I was there when I was in my dark place. Fortunately, I did not linger long enough to compound my problems with poor coping strategies. Instead, I found the courage to enter a brighter future by following a different path.

Let me share with you 5 steps into a bright future after a dark past.

Be sure to check out the podcast version by clicking the button above. I go deeper into my process by sharing how my faith played a key role in the 5 steps below.

See your circumstances as a temporary place, not a permanent residence

You have a choice about how you look at your past or present circumstances. Are you planning to live in it? Or, are you going through it? If it is a permanent residence the future may be dim. On the other hand, if you choose to put distance between your past, plan for brighter days ahead.

You don’t have to remain stuck. Consider your past a chapter, not a finished book about your life.

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Pack up the lessons you learned because you will need them for the future

Dark periods in life are difficult. Yet they also offer lessons to learn. I learned a lot about myself when I was going through divorce. It was clear to me that I had to change things about me if I wanted a brighter future. Being a people-pleaser was not as admirable as I thought.

Going through difficult times affords you the opportunity to learn what matters to you. What lessons have your learned in your experience of hardship? Pack these up and take them with you as you move forward to a brighter future.

Muster the courage to leave your past so you can enter your future

Some people stay in a dark place thinking that it will eventually become brighter. Circumstances don’t usually change on their own. You have a decision to make. Is your circumstance a permanent residence or will you choose a new path?

Fear of the unknown is often a deterrent to action. “What if I find I made a wrong decision? How do I know it will work out?” Sound familiar? I can relate too.

One of the things that helped my decision was a statement by Dr. Richard Dobbins, a prominent psychologist.

People change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.

Pain is an informant. It tells us something is wrong. If the pain of remaining stuck hurts more over time, maybe it’s time to do something about it. Muster your courage to act. Face your fear of the unknown.

Consider the opportunities a bright future holds for you

Dark events are often a prelude to future opportunities.

Last weekend my son Justin married his beautiful bride Brandy. It was an extraordinary event. What made it truly special was having the honor of officiating their exchange of vows. That’s right. My son and daughter-in-law asked me to perform the wedding ceremony.

If extending me the privilege of marrying them was enough, Justin expressed this sentiment, “Everything it takes to become a man I learned from you. I love you, dad.”

In those two statements, he gave me what most dads want but won’t admit. I’ll get to that in a moment.

Generally speaking, dads don’t have a problem telling their kids what they want. “Respect your elders. Listen to your parents. Act responsibly. Obey the law. Do your chores. Get good grades.”

Most dads take the responsibility of parenting seriously. While not perfect, they do their best. They want their kids to succeed in life. Why? Because dads care about their family. You may not hear them say it, but it’s true.

So, on the surface its fairly easy to know what dads want from their kids. Yet below the surface, dads have deeper needs they don’t express.

Deep down inside, most dads want two things from their kids but will never admit.

#1: Dads want assurance they are having a positive influence

Many parents worry if they are screwing up their kids. Dads are no exception. We try to influence our kids with our words and how we act in the world. Our goal is to set a positive example. We’re not sure if we always get it right or if we are getting through to our kids.

I know I wasn’t a perfect dad although I did my best to be a steady influence in my kids’ life. This was especially important many years ago when I went through divorce. I was so concerned about the negative impact it would have on my children. Throughout the years I strived to be a constant presence while also being consistent in what I modeled for them.

When my son told me how much I influenced his manhood in a good way it touched my core. It was a message of assurance that he got what I was trying to teach him. I savored his words for days.

Dad, if you want to maintain a positive influence for your kids make sure your words and actions align. Practice what you preach. Share not only what’s in your head but what’s in your heart too.

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Want a gift idea for dad that won’t cost you a penny?

Find a way to communicate to your dad that you admire what he brings to your life. It can be a homemade card, a letter, or a conversation. He may not be perfect, but he does care about you and wants you to be happy and succeed in life. Dads need this assurance but won’t admit it.

#2: Dads want affection

Generally speaking, boys are raised from an early age to avoid softer emotions. We are being prepped for manhood, to be providers and protectors of our families. Adult men tend to be task-oriented and less tuned in to emotional stuff.

We may not show it a lot, but most dads are suckers for affection. Dads like hugs and to hear their kids say, “I love you dad.” For daughters, this is easy. Sons can learn to do this too!

On the surface, my dad was not the affectionate type. He did not get any as a child growing up. My mom made up for that, but I could tell it didn’t come naturally for him. I have two older brothers and a sister, plus one younger brother. As my oldest brother became an adult, he started to tell my dad he loved him. I could see it had an impact on him. The rest of us followed suit.

Every time I talk with my adult kids I end with “I love you”.

Albert Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”.

I’ve experienced and observed a lot of insanity in family relationships. Some of the ways we communicate don’t change anything. It goes in one ear and out the other. Yet we say the same things the same way over and over expecting different results. Guess what? It’s not going to happen!

In fact, there are certain phrases that guarantee a negative reaction. I used to say them a lot in my family when my kids were young. It rarely got me the response I was looking for. Now, I try to measure my words and monitor my tone when I talk. I’ve learned that negative speech will guarantee a negative reaction.

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Let me share with you 3 things you always say that never work.

Three words that never work – “You need to…”

“You need to get a grip on your emotions.” “You need to stop being such a jerk.” “You need to spend more time playing with your kids than playing video games.” “You need to get your homework done.” “You need to pick up more around the house.” “You need to stop wasting money.” “You need to…”

Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve said the said the same things too. “You need to” makes the person less than enthusiastic to do what you say. If they do comply it’s done with a bad attitude. Is that the end game you seek? Me neither.

Let’s look at one of the statements and see if we can fix it. “You need to spend more time playing with your kids than playing video games.”

Here are 3 reasons why “you need to” doesn’t work.

* It’s a complaint delivered in a negative tone.

* It’s a directive, not a dialog. Comes across controlling. Doesn’t respect the person’s autonomy.

* It often sounds like a “put down”.

3 Tips on how to say it better.

* Respect the person’s autonomy. “I know you like to wind down after work by playing video games…”

* Turn the complaint into a request. “…but, can you also carve out some time to play with the kids?”

* Highlight the benefit. “They have been excited about you coming home and spending some time playing with them.”

Notice how this modified approach shows respect while making an important request. I now want to draw your attention to two more things you say that never work.

Twin statements that never work. “You always…” “You never…”

“You never help in the kitchen.” “You always say stupid stuff.” “You never admit you’re wrong.” “You always have something to complain about.” “You never anything nice to say about me.” “You always have to have it your way.”

If you want to draw an immediate negative reaction these dichotomous statements always work. Arm yourself for a battle, you just fired the first shot.

Here are three reasons why the twin statements never work.

* They are not factual. Really, never? Always? I’m sure evidence does not support your claim.

* They negate times when the action is performed.

* The statement is negative and will generate a negative reaction.

3 tips on how to say it better.

* Start positive. “I know you are a busy person…”

* Share your need. “…and I also have a lot on my plate and can use some help…”

* State your request. “…so can you give me a few minutes of help in the kitchen?”

3 benefits you can expect when you eliminate nega...

I remember watching a comedy show years ago when the main character dreamt that spores contaminated the water supply and impregnated men. It was hilarious watching guys struggle through pregnancy and deliver their dream baby: sail boat, sports car, and 4ft hero sandwich.

It reminded me of how men don’t fully understand what women encounter with pregnancy. Let’s face it guys, when it comes to having a baby our job is fairly simple. We provide the male egg, wait for nine months, snap pictures with our newborn, pass out cigars, and go back to work. I know guys are getting involved more in the process and that is huge. However, in comparison, our women do the heavy lifting–and for that matter, the breathing too!

In my professional work, I hear women express mixed feelings joy and worry about pregnancy. They face many challenges and adjustments. Women need their men to understand something big about having a baby.

So guys, here is one thing you need to understand about your pregnant wife and 5 ways you can deliver support.

Your wife makes major sacrifices during and after pregnancy

Because we will never experience pregnancy, guys have a limited understanding of the sacrifice women make. Here are a few ways.

She sacrifices her body during pregnancy

Anatomical and physiological changes start soon after pregnancy. Perhaps you’ve witnessed “morning sickness” in the first trimester. Before long a “baby bump” appears and clothes no longer fit. This may not seem like a big deal to you since guys often get a pass on the “beer belly”. However, women feel a lot of pressure to look attractive. Changes in body shape are profoundly significant throughout pregnancy.

Your wife also has to pay close attention to diet since now she is eating for two. To accommodate she has to modify her eating habits, not to mention alcohol and use of medication. Hormonal changes appear throughout pregnancy which can be emotionally turbulent for your pregnant wife.

She sacrifices her active life

Further into pregnancy, your wife has to adjust her active life to accommodate the pregnancy. Some of the activities and social events she once did freely are put on hold during pregnancy. She may be able to attend some events but choose not to because she is tired or “feels pregnant”.

She sacrifices her career

When pregnancy occurs in a family, men’s careers are hardly impacted. We just go about our jobs. Women on the other hand have several things to consider. Among them, how long she will work, how much time she will take off, or in some cases, will she put her career on hold. If she does hit the pause button on her career, your wife faces the challenge of getting back into it and being up to speed on advancements in the industry.

5 Ways You Can Deliver Support

Now that you on some level understand the sacrifice your pregnant wife makes, here are some ways you can deliver support to her.

#1: Become an educated future dad on pregnancy

You know those pregnancy books piled on her nightstand? It might be good to pick one up and start reading it. If you really want to score points, read the books with your pregnant wife! The more you learn about the stages of pregnancy, the better prepared you are to support her.

#2: Get involved in the pregnancy

Now that you are informed because you’re reading the books and doing the Google research, you are more prepared to be involved. In as much as possible, attend doctor’s visits and ask questions.

When morning sickness begins, be ready if she needs you. Rub her back, grab the bucket, hold her hair back when she vomits. Do what she asks without complaining. Also, be prepared on a moment’s notice to run to the store and satisfy her food cravings!

The other day, an article caught my attention in the Guardian, a United Kingdom publication. It is entitled, Want to Save Your Marriage? Don’t have kids. Please don’t read it until you finish my blog. Trust me, it will help!

Honestly, there was nothing new in the article I did not know. Several years ago research found that marital satisfaction declines once couples start a family. I’ve written about this too. Let’s face it, you don’t need experts to alert you to this. Marital satisfaction decreases once kids come along. It happens to all of us. The key is not eliminating it, but controlling it.

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Why the Decline in Marital Satisfaction?

The blessing and burden of raising a family is that everyone wants attention. Unfortunately, there’s just not enough of you to go around! Kids, especially when they are young require a lot of time and energy. Marriages can quickly move to the back burner and simmer while you focus mainly on kids, work, and managing a household. Make sense? I see your head nodding.

The article warns of the risk raising kids imposes on a relationship. I get it. You do too. It doesn’t mean that having children is a mistake or a death sentence on your marriage. What it does suggest is that you need to consider how to balance these all important relationships. If you don’t you can end up with a mediocre marriage. Who likes the sound of that?

So, let’s take a look at 5 things to focus on to avoid having a mediocre marriage.

Focus on your priorities on the expectations you have about marriage

Do you remember the vows you made to each other the day you married? I’ve conducted several weddings over the years and the key moment in the ceremony is the exchange of vows. Some people go traditional, while others author their own. These vows are public declarations of intent to love, cherish, support, invest and be loyal to each other “till death do us part”.

So, how are you tracking so far? If you regularly carve out time together, have quality conversations, pursue romance, and establish a rhythm of meeting each other’s needs, then you’re doing pretty good. If you’re out of focus, I recommend you re-examine your priorities. Give your relationship some front burner time.

I encourage you to spend some time together and revisit your vows and realign your priorities. Discuss your expectations about family life. What did you envision? Did it include a healthy marriage?

Focus on your relationship too!

Families today are over-focused on kids. I think this is an over-reaction to a previous generation that ignored kids and focused on chasing the American Dream. The over-attention kids receive is not good for them. Consequently, we see kids today who are more demanding and parents who are over-compliant.

Divert some attention to your marriage. Don’t worry, your kids won’t suffer! In fact, kids function better under a healthy marriage. If you’re not taking care of your marriage, your kids suffer.

Is your marriage on the family calendar? I’m not talking family time or play dates for the kids. Make room in your calendar for romantic and play dates with your spouse. Guys, take the lead on this one!

Train your kids to focus on responsibility to the family

If you are an educated parent you know your child has to complete certain developmental tasks as a part of their human growth and development. Social responsibility is one. Industry is another.