All About We

A week ago, I spent a week traveling the east coast with my daughter and 5 grandkids. We visited my son-in-law Joshua at his army base. We had a wonderful trip! I had the opportunity to observe a military couple operate as partners in parenting. I was very impressed to see how they function on the same page when together or apart. It’s not easy, but they find a way to make it happen.

Couples often struggle getting on the same page when it comes to parenting their kids. They have differences about parenting styles. One might believe his/her approach is better. A power struggle for control over parenting develops. Criticism, interference, overruling, or undermining behaviors divide parents even further. Kids observe the division and use it to their advantage. Bedlam results.

Sound familiar? How do couples end up on opposite sides?

Several factors contribute to the struggle. Let’s take a look at some of the things that cause parents to be on a different page when it comes to raising kids.

Family-of-origin contributes significantly to how most people parent their kids. We often repeat patterns we learned growing up. Some adopt approaches quite the opposite of their parents. They vow that they will not allow their kids to experience the hardship they did by poor parenting.

Couples often approach parenting with unspoken expectations about roles. Assumptions are made about who should be doing what and how it should be done. One’s cultural background may play a key role here. If you come from divergent backgrounds you may argue a lot about how to raise the kids.

Males and females have different lenses by which they look at raising children. A father may view the mother as being “too soft”, while she may view him as being “too harsh” in parenting approach. Questions about who is the primary parent, who will sacrifice career, etc… can come under the umbrella of gender expectations about responsibilities.

How parents attach to children may be different. One may have a more nurturing attachment style. The other may be more detached. These often emerge from family-of-origin types of connection or ways of expressing sentiment.

All parents experience some fear in parenting. We are afraid we will screw our kids up! Some experience exaggerated fear. Consequently, they put a lot of pressure on themselves and their kids to be perfect. A less anxious parent may argue that the other is overly-focused, controlling, and stressing the kids out.

When parents fight they function more like opponents than partners in parenting. Kids don’t feel safe. Therefore, you have to find a way to come together. Here are 8 agreements partners in parenting make when it comes to raising their kids.

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Criticizing each other only fuels the power struggle. Knock it off! Do what partners in parenting do. They start by complimenting the positive things each other does. If they have to address a problem, they do it respectfully.

We have stories about growing up. These experiences shape how we see the world and how we view family life. Do you know the positive and negative experiences that influence your partner’s view of raising kids and what it means to be a mom or dad?

I think couples can do a great service to parenting by taking time to listen to each other’s story. Listen without judging or correcting the faults of their family-of-origin. Your job is to listen and understand.

Each of you may bring something of value that can be woven into the fabric of your family tapestry. For example, you may want to adopt the nurturing approach your wife gained in her family. You can also integrate the concept of chores your husband learned growing up.

Correcting the other parent in front of the kids is undermining their authority. You are teaching your kids to lose respect for him/her. If you have a problem have a sidebar discussion away from their eyes and ears.

Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.

Robert Fulgum

Offer perspective and suggestions. Agree to be open to the influence of each other. Avoid criticism.

Kids will attempt to manipulate parents, getting one to go against the other. Partners in parenting are on to this strategy and don’t take the bait. Stand united. If a parent is making a mistake, deal with it afterward together.

Getting on the same page doesn’t automatically happen just because you make these agreements. Synthesis takes time. Be patient with yourself and each other.

This is not a gripe session. You want to begin by focusing on what’s working, where you see improvements, and how you’re doing getting on the same page. Then focus on areas to improve. Use this time to talk about what’s going on with the kids that you both need to pay attention to.

If you want to learn more about how to become partners in parenting check out my book: Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict.

What suggestions can you offer to add to my list of 8 agreements? Leave a comment below or post on my social media sites.

In recent years, we’ve witnessed our fair share of natural disasters. Perhaps you experienced one firsthand. Watching the news I try to imagine what it is like for people who see their homes leveled by a tornado, earthquake, or some other calamity. It’s painful to watch the tears streaming down their face as they sift through the debris, picking up the few things that were unharmed by the catastrophic event.

An exposed affair can have the same kind of effect. The physical house may remain intact–but not the foundation of the home. The marriage received a massive hit. Everything in the house looks the same but feels different. The family pictures, master bedroom, everything that symbolizes a happy marriage and family feels like a facade.

As couples assess the damage they wonder, “Can we recover?” If recovery is possible it will require some awareness and effort by the involved spouse and injured spouse in the following areas:

Effect of the affair on both partners

Effect of the affair on the injured spouse

Effect of the affair on the involved spouse

Repairing the betrayal wound

Rebuilding the trust

Restoring the intimacy

First, let’s take a look at the effect an affair has on the married couple. Afterwards, I will share the unique effect it has on each spouse.

The secure base is suddenly missing. Trust has been breached by betrayal. The foundation of the marriage is unstable. Both partners are reeling from the effects of the disclosure.

Suddenly everything in the home is stained by an awareness of the affair. Rooms, pictures, and people look different. Do the kids know? What do we say to our family and friends? Will all this change? Can we recover?

To cope with the situation, one or both partners may act in a manner that lessens the severity of the situation. Extreme attempts to reestablish security are made. Couples may have sex, go on dates, etc…

As the reality of an affair sets in, emotions intensify. The injured spouse experiences waves of anger, sadness, and fear. The involved spouse may have intense feelings of guilt, shame, and in some cases anger too. This anger is often self-directed, but may also be at the spouse for reasons that were unaddressed previously in the marriage.

As emotions intensify, communication can deteriorate into outbursts of anger, further accusations and threats about the future. A couple who could normally resolve their differences now have a hard time being in the room together.

After an affair is discovered the normal rhythm of life is changed. Daily routines are difficult to manage. Couples often report that they feel like zombies, totally numb as they navigate daily tasks.

Uniquely troublesome to the injured spouse is the re-traumatization that occurs for a long period of time–at least one year. Aftershock triggers emotionally catapult the injured spouse back to day one when the betrayal was discovered. These aftershocks are common and challenging for couples to manage. It can muddle their perception of progress toward recovery.

Injured spouses are plagued with thoughts and questions about the nature of the affair. They have a litany of “why? and what?” questions. They want to know what was wrong in the marriage. Details about the nature of the affair, type, quality, frequency of sex may plague their minds. At the point they think they’ve had all questions answered, a new list appears.

When trust is breached the injured spouse may no longer look at her partner the same way. They may worry if the spouse is lying, still in the affair, or if it will happen again down the road. This anxiety may lead them to monitor their spouse’s behavior and interrogate them. They hate being in this position and may become more angry at their partner.

Probably one of the most troublesome effects on the injured spouse is the mental comparisons they go through ritually. The want to know what the affair partner has that attracted their spouse. Inwardly they struggle with insecurities. “How do I measure up to that person?” These thoughts torment them throughout the day, especially in the early stage of discovery.

If contending with the affair isn’t enough, injured spouses have decisions to make that will not only effect them, but also their children (if present in the marriage). This additional burden places enormous pressure on the injured spouse. In many cases they want to leave but they are worried about the impact on the kids. Consequently, they face not only the pain of betrayal, but feeling stuck with a spouse they don’t want to be with any longer.

Involved spouses are faced with complex feelings of guilt, shame, and anger toward self. There may also be a sense of relief that they no longer have to live in secrecy. In some cases, the involved spouse is angry at the injured spouse because this person did not listen to their earlier cries for help in the marriage.

Involved spouses are in unchartered waters when it comes to managing the situation. Some want to fix things right away. Others may continue to have feelings toward the affair partner and are confused about where they want to be. Either way, the involved spouse is unsure of how to handle the situation without making it worse.

Most involved spouses feel deep concern about the effect of their behavior on others. They worry about the effect on their spouse. They also worry about their children, extended family members and friends. Finally, some spouses are also concerned about the wellbeing of the affair partner. These compounded worries may cause the involved spouse to become overwhelmed, anxious, and depressed.

The damage of a discovered affair can be widespread. The marriage is at high risk for divorce. Furthermore, it can severely damage relationship with children, extended family, and mutual friends. Work can also be adversely impacted if the affair happened in this environment.

Statistics indicate that 70% of all marriages survive infidelity. Almost 50% of these couples construct a marriage that is healthier than it was before the affair. If a full recovery is possible it will come with hard work. First of all, you have to be aware of the effect it is having on everyone. This is why I started the blog with awareness of effect in each area. Next, you have to commit to a process of recovery that involves three areas.

Full recovery is impossible without treating the wound. A bandaid will not suffice. Repairing requires a pattern of wound dressing. Not once, but several times over the course of treatment. You will have to listen to the emotional pain expressed by your spouse and validate her/his feelings. Next, you will have to express true remorse over your behavior and offer reassurance of fidelity in the marriage going forward. This treatment approach over time can heal the wound. If you cannot do this, your spouse will not heal.

Rebuilding trust is a reciprocal process. The involved spouse has to demonstrate trustworthiness. The injured spouse has to dispense some trust. This process takes a long time. Get used to it. If you follow my blogs you know my formula for trust: Trust = behavior over time. If you were the spouse involved in the affair, your words and actions have to be congruent. Do what you say. It will take more time than you wish. If you are the injured spouse, dispense the trust in a measure equivalent to the effort of your partner. Not too much or too little. Remember, it takes time.

As wounds heal and trust rebuilds, couples are in a stronger position to restore intimacy. This delicate process happens at the pace of the injured spouse. Re-traumatization often happens as couples move toward intimacy. This is normal but must be handled delicately.

You may wonder as a couple how you can get through this process alone. Most cannot. If you want full recovery, you will need the help of an experienced marriage counselor to walk you through this process. Having done this multiple times, I witness many couples not only recover, but construct a marriage more satisfying than it was before the affair.

If you are suffering following the discovery of an affair my heart goes out to you. It is painful for both partners. You do not have to face this alone. Reach out for help. It may be out of your comfort zone, but it can be the first step towards healing and possible recovery.

 

A few years ago Marian and I decided to remodel our kitchen. We chose to do a complete demolition down to the studs and rebuild with upgraded materials, appliances, and furnishings.

To chronicle the project we took “before and after” pictures. Comparing the photos highlighted the dramatic transformation. Needless to say it was well worth the time, energy, and investment to have something we truly enjoy!

Marriages need updating. Do you know what I mean? Keeping the same look and feel without modification, can look old and outdated–as if you took a careless approach to life together.

Often couples come to see me immediately after the exposure of an affair. As I listen to them share the heartbreaking story, I ponder two questions, “What did the marriage look like before the affair?” and “What will it look like after?” Like my kitchen, I wonder if they need a complete overhaul to the studs. Or is this a wakeup call for some updating.

No doubt, infidelity can wreck a marriage, damage kids, and affect extended family and friends who care about you. It is not a pleasant moment to witness the involved partner look into the eyes of the injured partner who has been crushed by the confession of an affair. My hope is that I can help them walk through a process of recovery that will not only heal the current pain but give the relationship a new look, one better than the “before picture”.

Over the next two weeks I will give you a look at marriages “before the affair” and “after the affair”.  First, let’s start with 7 common factors that increase the risk of an affair. I will follow with 5 affair-proofing strategies.

Couples who move marriage to the back-burner to focus on kids, work, and household responsibilities neglect the key health component in the family–their marriage. Consequently, their “couple identity” connected around fun, adventure, and romance slowly evaporates.

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For a variety of reasons I will not address here, couples today over invest in kids, work, and the pursuit of the American Dream. They are trying to create the idyllic picture of a beautiful home and well-bred children. To achieve this they move at a speed that outpaces Superman! From dawn to dusk, couples expend energy in these tasks to the exclusion of the marriage. Which leads to the next risk factor.

When marital needs are neglected, a slow imperceptible drift begins. A spouse may alert the other of concerns about the marriage, but nothing serious is done to address it. Over time, as the intimacy needs in the marriage go unmet, vulnerability exists for one or both partners to seek intimacy elsewhere.

Communication ranks high in the area couples report as a cause for marital dissatisfaction. Lacking the ability to resolve conflicts, many couples stockpile them for ammunition in future arguments. To cope, these couples often go into a “cold war”, not talking for hours or days until they are ready to reengage the relationship. Some stop talking about important subjects just to avoid an argument.

Some people marry before they are ready for it. They have not figured themselves out and are compensating by getting married. Others, give up a part of themselves in order to make the marriage work. Later, they feel something is missing. They feel trapped in roles that define them. If their partner does not understand and support their need for personal development, resentment may form. Feeling no way out they often escape into an affair.

One of the biggest contributors to an unhappy marriage is when one spouse wields more power than the other. This power imbalance leaves the other feeling controlled and resentful. This is not a gender-specific dynamic. Women can feel over-powered and men can feel emasculated. Emotionally wounded spouses feel vulnerable to someone who gives them attention.

Chronic health problems can cause wear and tear on a marriage. Individuals who do not invest in a personal health regiment can develop chronic physical and/or mental health problems. The health issue becomes front and center in the marriage leaving little room for fun or romance. Untreated mental health problems cause marriages to become toxic. Unhappy spouses are at risk to seek intimacy needs outside marriage.

Now that we have identified 7 factors that increase risk of an affair, let’s focus on 5 things you can do to limit the risk.

Marriages often end up on the back burner. They need front burner attention. This is no time for excuses. You make time for the things that matter–like kids and work. Your marriage matters. Put it on the front burner by establishing regular dates and alone time together where you can connect, have fun, romance, and take a break from the other role hats you wear.

If you haven’t yet, it is time to get serious about taking care of yourself. Are you careless and self-indulging about your health? Do you neglect yourself? Are you avoiding getting help with a mental health problem like depression, anxiety, or attention deficit? This is not good! You will lose attraction and respect from your spouse if you neglect yourself. Do something about this now! See #5 below.

Maybe it’s time to pump the brakes. Look at your calendar. What does it communicate? Does it reflect your values? If not, you need to slow down an re-evaluate what is important. Talk to your spouse. What can be eliminated or modified to slow the pace of your life down so you have more energy to devote to your marriage? Do this and you may avoid a collision with infidelity.

If you feel unhappy in your marriage and starving for affection you are vulnerable to an affair–no matter how strong you think you are. An affair can happen quickly. If you find a mutual attraction, you are in a danger zone. I recommend you avoid alone contact or any form that sets the pattern in motion. Once it starts, it is very difficult to stop it. You may be in over your head before you know it. See my blog  Sound Advice From Ashley Madison to learn how stressful an affair can become.

There are two approaches to counseling I want to highlight: personal or marriage. If your marriage is drifting it is probably a good time for you to seek couples counseling together. You can learn how to communicate, resolve conflict, and improve ways to connect romantically.

If you have personal issues that get in the way of your marriage, individual counseling can be a helpful process to give you ways to manage things, especially mental health issues. Do you go to the doctor or dentist to address physical illnesses? Doesn’t it make sense to see a professional to treat mental health concerns?

Perhaps you’ve tried to work on your marriage. You’ve pleaded with your spouse to work on it too. No matter what you’ve tried, it hasn’t worked. Your spouse is unwilling to do his/her part. Do not seek an affair as a means to exit the marriage. Instead, see an individual counselor. Choose an exit plan that honors your integrity. Do not allow an affair to indict you for something you could achieve with your dignity.

Do you see factors that put your marriage at risk for an affair? If so, I know it can be scary. Look at the 5 affair-proofing strategies. What do you think might be a good next step for you?

 

Here is a common story I hear from women in an empty relationship.

The Straight Answer

The straight answer is – maybe. I know it’s not a definitive yes or no. When it comes to a person’s heart it is a subjective process. So many factors come into play. I see individuals who were successful in resuscitating feelings. Sadly, I also witness those who could not.

If your heart has any hope of resuscitation it’s going to take a lot of work and time to recover. So, what does it take? Here are 5 key decisions.

It takes a willingness on your part to allow your spouse a chance to earn his way back in

This is hard because it may feel like you are setting yourself up for more disappointment and rejection. I know it is a risk, but you won’t know if your heart can open up again unless you try.

It takes a commitment by your spouse to focus primarily on your heart

Attempts to by your spouse to win your heart will not be easy. He will have to work hard and long to resuscitate your heart. Some guys give up early when they realize it will take a lot of work. Many are not capable of weathering the resistance they will likely face from you.

If your guy stands a chance of winning your heart back he must understand what you endured all these years. He needs to focus on your heart and exhibit sustained empathy.

Now for the confusing part. As he starts giving you attention, it may make you angry and resist it. Why? Because he waited until you shut down before he decided to work on the relationship. Suddenly, he starts doing all things you begged for before and expects you to be happy. When you resist his effort he feels rejected. If your heart stands a chance of being resuscitated he can’t give up.

It takes set timeframes to see if resuscitation is working

So much is at stake here. A willingness on your part. A commitment on his. Now you need a set timeframe to see if the heart can respond. When I work with couples in situations like this I suggest a timeframe of three months to start. We measure progress along the way.

Rebuilding of trust takes time. Here’s my formula. Trust = behavior over time. Is your man consistently showing you love and attention? Does he show thoughtfulness and flexibility? Has he met resistance with consistency? If the answer is yes then you may decide to go another three months.

If resuscitation is not working, accept the reality that your feelings are unrecoverable. You tried but it wasn’t enough. Your marriage is dead. It’s time to grieve and end it.

On the other hand, if the process is working and it is clear he is truly changing, you have another decision to make. Here’s what it will take.

It takes a risk on your part to open your heart again

The heart moves slower than the head when it comes to trying. Use your head to acknowledge his effort. This signals to him that you recognize he is trying. Yet, let him know that your heart moves slower and needs time to feel safe.

This will be another test for him. He has to remain loving, patient, and consistent. If he does, it may signal your heart that it is time to open up some. Why? Because the pattern of his behavior appears more authentic. It’s not scripted or rehearsed to get what he wants. Rather, it becomes about you and what was lacking in the marriage.

It takes time to fully recover

There are four seasons in a year. If you show progress in each season over the course of a year the probabilities of recovery are good.

This will not come without setbacks. As you start feeling close it may be followed by distancing on your part. Vulnerability will trigger fear of rejection. Don’t be too alarmed. This is normal in recovery from emotional pain.

Try to remain open to his attempts to express love. Over time, the heart should recover. The marriage may become stronger than it was in the past. Hard work pays off.

Now it’s your turn

As you can see, resuscitating dead feelings is not easy work. Unfortunately, the probabilities of recovery are low. In the end, it takes two people committed to the process over a long period of time.

Your chances increase when you seek help with a professional couples counselor. If your heartbeat is low but you want to see if it can recover, reach out for help. I can be reached on my contact page.

If you come from a Judeo-Christian background or watch the anime series on Netflix, you’ve heard the term “seven deadly sins”. The concept originated in the 3rd century by a religious monk, Evagrius Ponticus. It is featured in literary works including the Canterbury Tales and Dante’s Inferno. The seven deadly sins are: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, anger, and sloth.

Lately, I have been working with individuals who are either going through divorce, or dealing with post-divorce problems. Having experienced divorce several years ago, I understand it on personal and professional levels. Divorce is an emotionally painful process. It is something you want to avoid if possible. Here are some of the challenges divorced couples face.

Death of a marriage.

Facing the unknown.

Negotiating transition.

Impact on the children.

Dealing with residual anger and hurt.

Transition of home, in-law relationships, friends, etc…

Financial matters.

If your marriage does end, don’t make your life harder by falling prey to the seven deadly sins of divorce. Giving in to these temptations will hinder your recovery and have a negative effect on you and your children (if you have them).

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The deadly sin of envy or gloating

I call these the “combo sin” because they tend to go hand-in-hand. Being envious of your former spouse’s life post-divorce does you harm. Gloating in their misfortune has little value. Yielding to these temptations will have a negative effect on your self-esteem. Envy makes you feel bad about yourself. Gloating is feeling good at the expense of your ex. I’m sure there are more healthy ways to feel good about yourself.

The deadly sin of bitterness

Entertain envy too long and it morphs into bitterness. Once this sin gets a grip on you, it puts your future on hold. Unchecked bitterness commandeers your head and heart. It robs you of the happiness you deserve. Furthermore, bitterness gives your former spouse passive control over your life. He/she may be moving forward but you are lagging behind holding on to something that is only hurting you.

The deadly sin of vengeance

If you’ve ever seen the movie, The War of the Roses, you have an idea of the destructive nature of vengeance. Attempting to get payback on an ex-spouse is dangerous on multiple levels. It may give you temporary pleasure to embarrass or shame him/her publicly, but it can also make you look bad too.

Vengeance is a distraction from moving forward. It elicits more drama and makes you look weak. In more extreme cases, I know people who sought vengeance end up facing legal troubles or incarceration. If your ex-spouse treated you wrong, and you want justice, let karma take care of it. Or as the Bible states, “Vengeance is mine says the Lord.”

The deadly sin of indoctrinating children

Hopefully you understand the deadly effect unchecked sins have in your life. Now let’s take it to an even deeper level. Indoctrinating your kids into your view of the ex-spouse is a deadly sin. They did not divorce a parent. You divorced each other.

Your children cannot handle the weight of your emotional burden. Please do not put this on them! Telling kids your version of the story or allowing them to be within hearing distance of you talking to someone else is harmful to them. It is psychologically and emotionally damaging. Furthermore, it pressures them to choose their loyalty.

I know some may argue that the ex-spouse was abusive, addicted, or did other harmful things that destroyed the marriage and family. Kids may have a fairly accurate picture but they don’t need your emotional baggage added to the weight they already carry. Take them to a professional counselor so they have someone to talk to about their struggles.

The deadly sin of alienating children

Some parents use their kids as a weapon to express their vengeance. They take indoctrination to another level by blocking unwarranted access of their kids to the ex-spouse. In many cases, the ex-spouse has not done anything wrong. However they are being vilified unjustly and the kids are being manipulated to go along with the story. This is poisonous pattern of alienation is psychologically abusive to children. I witness the damaging effect this has on the alienated parent and their children. It is heart-wrenching to say the least.

If you are alienating your children from their parent, heed this warning. You will likely pay a heavy price later when your kids become adults and decide for themselves. As they reconstruct the past, they may alienate you from their life. For more on this subject I recommend you read the book: Divorce Poison.

The deadly sin of abandoning children

You may have divorced your spouse but don’t include your children. No matter how difficult life is after divorce, your children need you to be a positive presence in their life. If you have issues get professional help. The worse thing you can do to your kids is to promise to be in their life but not show up. You have a decision to make. Be either in or completely out of their life. Ambiguity is not good for kids. Abandonment is more strongly felt when you promise but don’t deliver on it.

The deadly sin of unforgiveness

Individuals who divorce have two people to forgive. The have to forgive their ex-spouse and they have to forgive themselves. Living in a state of unforgiveness does not change your past. Penance will not make it better. You have to find a place of forgiveness so you can move forward in your life.

The difficulty of forgiving a former spouse occurs when this person shows no remorse, accepts no personal responsibility, and blames you for the failed marriage. It’s hard to forgive a person like this. Forgiving him/her is not for their benefit. It’s for yours. You can do it privately. I’ve developed a tool for it called “Forgiving From A Distance: How to move past someone who has hurt you but won’t repair it.” If you would like a copy of it, go to my contact page and request it.

Now it’s your turn

If you are divorced or going through it now, are you guilty of one or more of the deadly sins? If so, what do you plan to do change?

Many years ago when I was going through divorce, followed by a career change, I had no idea how things were going to work out. The unknown was intimidating to say the least. I was afraid that I might make a wrong decision that would threaten not only my future, but my kids as well. No doubt, it was a dark period for all of us.

Have you ever been in a dark place? Perhaps you’re there right now. Your darkness may be a career loss, an illness, a death of a loved one, or a failed relationship. I understand your fear of the unknown. I was there too. Maybe like me, you realize that remaining stuck in a dark place is not good. The longer you’re in it, the more it can feel permanent. The effect of the darkness can eat away at your soul. You feel like you’re dying on the inside.

Residing in a dark place is not good. You may be at risk for problems like depression, anxiety, dependency on drugs, alcohol, or some other form of impulsive behavior. These things compound the problems you already face. By far, the greatest risk is a loss of self. You can become disconnected to your true self.

I know I was there when I was in my dark place. Fortunately, I did not linger long enough to compound my problems with poor coping strategies. Instead, I found the courage to enter a brighter future by following a different path.

Let me share with you 5 steps into a bright future after a dark past.

Be sure to check out the podcast version by clicking the button above. I go deeper into my process by sharing how my faith played a key role in the 5 steps below.

See your circumstances as a temporary place, not a permanent residence

You have a choice about how you look at your past or present circumstances. Are you planning to live in it? Or, are you going through it? If it is a permanent residence the future may be dim. On the other hand, if you choose to put distance between your past, plan for brighter days ahead.

You don’t have to remain stuck. Consider your past a chapter, not a finished book about your life.

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Pack up the lessons you learned because you will need them for the future

Dark periods in life are difficult. Yet they also offer lessons to learn. I learned a lot about myself when I was going through divorce. It was clear to me that I had to change things about me if I wanted a brighter future. Being a people-pleaser was not as admirable as I thought.

Going through difficult times affords you the opportunity to learn what matters to you. What lessons have your learned in your experience of hardship? Pack these up and take them with you as you move forward to a brighter future.

Muster the courage to leave your past so you can enter your future

Some people stay in a dark place thinking that it will eventually become brighter. Circumstances don’t usually change on their own. You have a decision to make. Is your circumstance a permanent residence or will you choose a new path?

Fear of the unknown is often a deterrent to action. “What if I find I made a wrong decision? How do I know it will work out?” Sound familiar? I can relate too.

One of the things that helped my decision was a statement by Dr. Richard Dobbins, a prominent psychologist.

People change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.

Pain is an informant. It tells us something is wrong. If the pain of remaining stuck hurts more over time, maybe it’s time to do something about it. Muster your courage to act. Face your fear of the unknown.

Consider the opportunities a bright future holds for you

Dark events are often a prelude to future opportunities. Losing a job may be a stepping stone to a new career for you. I know someone who experienced a painful loss of an untimely death of a teenager. She is going back to school and plans to establish a career in mental health working with families. One of the bright spots of my journey is entering a new career. Some of the things I achieved were not on my radar screen.

Understand this. Within every person is untapped potential: latent skills, abilities, and passions. When you muster the courage to step into a brighter future, this part of you is activated. Be prepared for new experiences, opportunities, people, and places.

Face forward, move your feet, and don’t look back

Once you choose your path forward, muster your courage, pack up your lessons, and step into your bright future. Feelings of fear are normal. Just keep moving your feet! Self-doubt and fear of the unknown will greet you on the path but you must proceed forward.

The further you walk along the path to your future, the brighter it will become. Your confidence will grow as you problem-solve one decision after another. Your untapped skills and abilities will surface. You will meet new people to add to the group of those who already support you. Things will finally start falling into place and you will notice that the pain of the past hurts much less these days.

Now for what you may find along the path

Here are some things you may encounter along the path that confirms you made the right decision.

Peace about your decision

Confidence about your future

Serendipities that confirm you are on the right path

New people, places, and experiences

A sense of purpose and deeper meaning

The ability to influence and inspire others to authentic living

Now it’s Your Turn

Are you stuck in a dark past? Is your present circumstance a permanent residence of emptiness? Look over the 5 steps to a bright future. What’s your next step?

Last weekend my son Justin married his beautiful bride Brandy. It was an extraordinary event. What made it truly special was having the honor of officiating their exchange of vows. That’s right. My son and daughter-in-law asked me to perform the wedding ceremony.

If extending me the privilege of marrying them was enough, Justin expressed this sentiment, “Everything it takes to become a man I learned from you. I love you, dad.”

In those two statements, he gave me what most dads want but won’t admit. I’ll get to that in a moment.

Generally speaking, dads don’t have a problem telling their kids what they want. “Respect your elders. Listen to your parents. Act responsibly. Obey the law. Do your chores. Get good grades.”

Most dads take the responsibility of parenting seriously. While not perfect, they do their best. They want their kids to succeed in life. Why? Because dads care about their family. You may not hear them say it, but it’s true.

So, on the surface its fairly easy to know what dads want from their kids. Yet below the surface, dads have deeper needs they don’t express.

Deep down inside, most dads want two things from their kids but will never admit.

#1: Dads want assurance they are having a positive influence

Many parents worry if they are screwing up their kids. Dads are no exception. We try to influence our kids with our words and how we act in the world. Our goal is to set a positive example. We’re not sure if we always get it right or if we are getting through to our kids.

I know I wasn’t a perfect dad although I did my best to be a steady influence in my kids’ life. This was especially important many years ago when I went through divorce. I was so concerned about the negative impact it would have on my children. Throughout the years I strived to be a constant presence while also being consistent in what I modeled for them.

When my son told me how much I influenced his manhood in a good way it touched my core. It was a message of assurance that he got what I was trying to teach him. I savored his words for days.

Dad, if you want to maintain a positive influence for your kids make sure your words and actions align. Practice what you preach. Share not only what’s in your head but what’s in your heart too.

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Find a way to communicate to your dad that you admire what he brings to your life. It can be a homemade card, a letter, or a conversation. He may not be perfect, but he does care about you and wants you to be happy and succeed in life. Dads need this assurance but won’t admit it.

#2: Dads want affection

Generally speaking, boys are raised from an early age to avoid softer emotions. We are being prepped for manhood, to be providers and protectors of our families. Adult men tend to be task-oriented and less tuned in to emotional stuff.

We may not show it a lot, but most dads are suckers for affection. Dads like hugs and to hear their kids say, “I love you dad.” For daughters, this is easy. Sons can learn to do this too!

On the surface, my dad was not the affectionate type. He did not get any as a child growing up. My mom made up for that, but I could tell it didn’t come naturally for him. I have two older brothers and a sister, plus one younger brother. As my oldest brother became an adult, he started to tell my dad he loved him. I could see it had an impact on him. The rest of us followed suit.

Every time I talk with my adult kids I end with “I love you”. They reciprocate. I also say it to my fifteen year-old grandson and he mumbles it back.

I belong to a band of brothers, a small group of guys I hang with regularly. We do life together and have each other’s back. These are deep friendships. Whenever we leave each other we hug and end conversations, verbal or text, with “I love you brother”. It’s heartfelt affection we share as men.

Hey dad! Be sure to keep your emotional valve open. Let your family see your softer side. Look them in the eye and say “I love you” every day.

Give your dad the gift of affection. Hug him. Tell him you love him every day. Most dads crave this even though they don’t admit it. Try it out. See if it has a positive effect on your relationship. I suspect it will.

Check out the podcast link above

In the podcast, my co-host Amanda Berlin and I do a deep dive on this topic. I talk about my experiences growing up and as a father with my kids. Amanda poses questions to me like, “What advice can you give to someone whose dad is undeserving of honor?” Check it out by clicking the link at the top of the blog.

Albert Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”.

I’ve experienced and observed a lot of insanity in family relationships. Some of the ways we communicate don’t change anything. It goes in one ear and out the other. Yet we say the same things the same way over and over expecting different results. Guess what? It’s not going to happen!

In fact, there are certain phrases that guarantee a negative reaction. I used to say them a lot in my family when my kids were young. It rarely got me the response I was looking for. Now, I try to measure my words and monitor my tone when I talk. I’ve learned that negative speech will guarantee a negative reaction.

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Let me share with you 3 things you always say that never work.

Three words that never work – “You need to…”

Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve said the said the same things too. “You need to” makes the person less than enthusiastic to do what you say. If they do comply it’s done with a bad attitude. Is that the end game you seek? Me neither.

Let’s look at one of the statements and see if we can fix it. “You need to spend more time playing with your kids than playing video games.”

It’s a complaint delivered in a negative tone.

It’s a directive, not a dialog. Comes across controlling. Doesn’t respect the person’s autonomy.

It often sounds like a “put down”.

Respect the person’s autonomy. “I know you like to wind down after work by playing video games…”

Turn the complaint into a request. “…but, can you also carve out some time to play with the kids?”

Highlight the benefit. “They have been excited about you coming home and spending some time playing with them.”

Notice how this modified approach shows respect while making an important request. I now want to draw your attention to two more things you say that never work.

Twin statements that never work. “You always…” “You never…”

If you want to draw an immediate negative reaction these dichotomous statements always work. Arm yourself for a battle, you just fired the first shot.

They are not factual. Really, never? Always? I’m sure evidence does not support your claim.

They negate times when the action is performed.

The statement is negative and will generate a negative reaction.

Start positive. “I know you are a busy person…”

Share your need. “…and I also have a lot on my plate and can use some help…”

State your request. “…so can you give me a few minutes of help in the kitchen?”

3 benefits you can expect when you eliminate negative speech

The person will likely perform the action you seek.

You respect the person’s autonomy.

You avoid “locking horns” and draining your batteries.

One final piece of advice I’d like to leave for you. Instead of making “you” statements, start with “I”.

Now it’s your turn

Think of one person with whom you can work on eliminating negative speech. Try rehearsing how to turn your complaint into a request. Practice this approach. Give it time. You may be surprised by how well it works!

 

I remember watching a comedy show years ago when the main character dreamt that spores contaminated the water supply and impregnated men. It was hilarious watching guys struggle through pregnancy and deliver their dream baby: sail boat, sports car, and 4ft hero sandwich.

It reminded me of how men don’t fully understand what women encounter with pregnancy. Let’s face it guys, when it comes to having a baby our job is fairly simple. We provide the male egg, wait for nine months, snap pictures with our newborn, pass out cigars, and go back to work. I know guys are getting involved more in the process and that is huge. However, in comparison, our women do the heavy lifting–and for that matter, the breathing too!

In my professional work, I hear women express mixed feelings joy and worry about pregnancy. They face many challenges and adjustments. Women need their men to understand something big about having a baby.

So guys, here is one thing you need to understand about your pregnant wife and 5 ways you can deliver support.

Your wife makes major sacrifices during and after pregnancy

Because we will never experience pregnancy, guys have a limited understanding of the sacrifice women make. Here are a few ways.

She sacrifices her body during pregnancy

Anatomical and physiological changes start soon after pregnancy. Perhaps you’ve witnessed “morning sickness” in the first trimester. Before long a “baby bump” appears and clothes no longer fit. This may not seem like a big deal to you since guys often get a pass on the “beer belly”. However, women feel a lot of pressure to look attractive. Changes in body shape are profoundly significant throughout pregnancy.

Your wife also has to pay close attention to diet since now she is eating for two. To accommodate she has to modify her eating habits, not to mention alcohol and use of medication. Hormonal changes appear throughout pregnancy which can be emotionally turbulent for your pregnant wife.

She sacrifices her active life

Further into pregnancy, your wife has to adjust her active life to accommodate the pregnancy. Some of the activities and social events she once did freely are put on hold during pregnancy. She may be able to attend some events but choose not to because she is tired or “feels pregnant”.

She sacrifices her career

When pregnancy occurs in a family, men’s careers are hardly impacted. We just go about our jobs. Women on the other hand have several things to consider. Among them, how long she will work, how much time she will take off, or in some cases, will she put her career on hold. If she does hit the pause button on her career, your wife faces the challenge of getting back into it and being up to speed on advancements in the industry.

5 Ways You Can Deliver Support

Now that you on some level understand the sacrifice your pregnant wife makes, here are some ways you can deliver support to her.

#1: Become an educated future dad on pregnancy

You know those pregnancy books piled on her nightstand? It might be good to pick one up and start reading it. If you really want to score points, read the books with your pregnant wife! The more you learn about the stages of pregnancy, the better prepared you are to support her.

#2: Get involved in the pregnancy

Now that you are informed because you’re reading the books and doing the Google research, you are more prepared to be involved. In as much as possible, attend doctor’s visits and ask questions.

When morning sickness begins, be ready if she needs you. Rub her back, grab the bucket, hold her hair back when she vomits. Do what she asks without complaining. Also, be prepared on a moment’s notice to run to the store and satisfy her food cravings!

A woman feels more secure and prepared for pregnancy when she has your support. She will also feel closer to you. Your pregnant wife wants you to be excited about the process, not just the outcome.

#3: Provide emotional support throughout

Expect your wife’s emotions to be erratic during the course of pregnancy. Hormonal changes do impact mood and emotions. Don’t forget she is going through profound physical changes as well. She does not need you to fix her. Just listen, show empathy, and remind her that you will get through it together.

Be prepared in the event your wife has postpartum depression, commonly known as “baby blues”. You may be confused how she can be “down in the dumps” after having a baby. It may not seem rational to you but you need to respond on an emotional level with some reassurance. Coach her through it by normalizing her feelings and reassuring her they will subside over time. If they don’t, together consult her physician.

#4: Express a newfound attraction to her as a pregnant woman

Women have a special attractiveness during pregnancy often called the “pregnant glow”. Remember, your wife may be hyper-sensitive to her physical appearance during pregnancy. Avoid jokes about her  body. Instead, reassure your wife about her attractiveness by commenting on how beautiful she looks outwardly and inwardly.

When it comes to romance during pregnancy, talk about this with your wife. It is common for changes in sexual drive to occur over the course of pregnancy. The best way to navigate through this is to talk. You don’t have to wait to have sex together until the baby is born, however you do need to talk about how to get your needs met.

#5: Share your thoughts and feelings about parenthood

Women love when men open up about their feelings. What better topic than parenthood. Surely you have been processing this internally. It will mean a lot to your pregnant wife if you share these sentiments with her. Hearing you talk about these matters draws her closer to you. It also makes her feel secure and supported in the pregnancy.

Now it’s your turn

So there you have it guys. One thing your pregnant wife needs you to understand and five ways you can deliver on it.

What can you add to the list of ways to support? Feel free to leave a comment below. If you are a future dad facing pregnancy, what is one thing you can focus on right now to support your pregnant wife?

 

 

 

The other day, an article caught my attention in the Guardian, a United Kingdom publication. It is entitled, Want to Save Your Marriage? Don’t have kids. Please don’t read it until you finish my blog. Trust me, it will help!

Honestly, there was nothing new in the article I did not know. Several years ago research found that marital satisfaction declines once couples start a family. I’ve written about this too. Let’s face it, you don’t need experts to alert you to this. Marital satisfaction decreases once kids come along. It happens to all of us. The key is not eliminating it, but controlling it.

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Why the Decline in Marital Satisfaction?

The blessing and burden of raising a family is that everyone wants attention. Unfortunately, there’s just not enough of you to go around! Kids, especially when they are young require a lot of time and energy. Marriages can quickly move to the back burner and simmer while you focus mainly on kids, work, and managing a household. Make sense? I see your head nodding.

The article warns of the risk raising kids imposes on a relationship. I get it. You do too. It doesn’t mean that having children is a mistake or a death sentence on your marriage. What it does suggest is that you need to consider how to balance these all important relationships. If you don’t you can end up with a mediocre marriage. Who likes the sound of that?

So, let’s take a look at 5 things to focus on to avoid having a mediocre marriage.

Focus on your priorities on the expectations you have about marriage

Do you remember the vows you made to each other the day you married? I’ve conducted several weddings over the years and the key moment in the ceremony is the exchange of vows. Some people go traditional, while others author their own. These vows are public declarations of intent to love, cherish, support, invest and be loyal to each other “till death do us part”.

So, how are you tracking so far? If you regularly carve out time together, have quality conversations, pursue romance, and establish a rhythm of meeting each other’s needs, then you’re doing pretty good. If you’re out of focus, I recommend you re-examine your priorities. Give your relationship some front burner time.

I encourage you to spend some time together and revisit your vows and realign your priorities. Discuss your expectations about family life. What did you envision? Did it include a healthy marriage?

Focus on your relationship too!

Families today are over-focused on kids. I think this is an over-reaction to a previous generation that ignored kids and focused on chasing the American Dream. The over-attention kids receive is not good for them. Consequently, we see kids today who are more demanding and parents who are over-compliant.

Divert some attention to your marriage. Don’t worry, your kids won’t suffer! In fact, kids function better under a healthy marriage. If you’re not taking care of your marriage, your kids suffer.

Is your marriage on the family calendar? I’m not talking family time or play dates for the kids. Make room in your calendar for romantic and play dates with your spouse. Guys, take the lead on this one!

Train your kids to focus on responsibility to the family

If you are an educated parent you know your child has to complete certain developmental tasks as a part of their human growth and development. Social responsibility is one. Industry is another.

Train your kids how to behave socially in your home by how they communicate with you and each other. I cover this at length in my book Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without Conflict. Here, I also address the importance of training kids to have age-appropriate responsibilities. This teaches them how to be industrious while making a contribution to the family.

Do you remember the word “chores”? It was a common term in families a few generations ago. Today it is hardly spoken. I recommend you reintroduce it so that your kids are trained for adulthood. When your kids are making a contribution it gives you time and energy to spend some quality time together as a couple.

Focus on supporting the breadwinner(s)

Providing for the family is a huge burden on the breadwinner(s). Most breadwinners are worried about having enough bread. You can support this person by being mindful of the family budget. Marital satisfaction is affected by the way couples approach money. If you do not respect the breadwinner, then expect problems.

Focus on supporting the isolated parent

A stay-at-home parent makes major sacrifices for the cause of the family too! This person, often the female, faces several tough adjustments. There is the loss of career focus, loss of contact with adults, and loss of identity needs. Soon, I will devote an entire blog to this subject, but suffice it to say, this parent often feels isolated and misunderstood.

You can support the stay-at-home parent by accommodating her/his need for personal time. It could be as simple as a soak in the tub or as a big as going out socially with friends or to take a course. Being an advocate for your spouse will pay dividends in your marriage.

Check out the podcast

I take this topic on a deeper dive in the podcast with my cohost Amanda Berlin. I also list 5 benefits you get in your family by focusing on your marriage. You can listen to by clicking play at the top of this blog. For regular feeds, subscribe on iTunes.

Now it’s your turn

Out of the 5, what is one area you plan to focus on right now? Post a comment below.