All About We

I noticed a reaction in me the other night that caught my attention. At first it was subtle–a little difficult to detect. But the more it played out in my mind, the stronger it felt. I was annoyed with my wife Marian.

It wasn’t like she did something major to annoy me. In fact, it was something occurs almost every night when she goes to bed. Marian asked me to bring her a glass of water. Internally I started complaining. “Why didn’t you ask me earlier when I kissed you goodnight?”

The problem wasn’t her request. It was my reaction. I was annoyed because I was finally relaxing at the end of a long day and I just wanted some “me time”. Her request didn’t take much effort on my part, yet on the inside it felt like she asked me to draw her water from a spring in Fiji!

This was a critical moment. I knew I had to get a grip on my attitude right away. My annoyance could have gotten me in trouble. Worse, it could form a pattern of thinking that could threaten our marriage.

Unchecked negative attitudes form subtle reactions that threaten marriage. Here are 3 common reactions I observe among couples.

Unchecked negative attitudes form subtle reactions that threaten marriage.
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Resistance

Why is a simple request like placing the coffee cup in the dishwasher not honored? What’s the big deal? You ask. Your spouse agrees. Yet, the cup remains on the counter. Can it be chalked up to forgetting every time? Or, is their another subtle reaction going on?

Resistance is a reaction that forms in marriages around the interplay of power between individuals. Like kids, we resist being told what to do. A request is heard like a command from a parent. The odds are in favor of non-compliance. This frustrates the spouse and can lead to one of many arguments. As you know, conflict is exhausting–which leads to the next subtle reaction.

Avoidance

In my work with couples, I usually start with a check-in. I want to know how the marriage fared between sessions. Sometimes I will get this response. “It was a better week, we didn’t fight at all.” When I inquire further, the answer I often hear is, “We were busy and didn’t interact much.” This is generally code for “we are avoiding getting into a fight”.

The avoidance strategy may help reduce conflict but it also increases distance in a marriage. Couples may find they are going through the motions minus the heart. This coping strategy serves short-term purposes (avoiding conflict) but it does long-term damage to the relationship. Getting close after months/years of avoidance is very challenging.

Patterns of resistance and avoidance weaken the heart of the marriage.
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Patterns of resistance and avoidance weaken the heart of the marriage. A lack of caring permeates the relationship and contributes to the third subtle reaction.

Resentment

Generally speaking, resentment forms differently for men and women in marriage. Women often say, “I don’t think I matter enough to him.” On the other hand, men complain, “No matter what I do, it’s never good enough for her.”

These mantras contribute to the subtle formation of resentment. The build up of resentment will threaten your marriage. Resentment weakens the will to try. The heart of the marriage is failing.

Three Things You Can Do To Avoid These Reactions

In my profession, I help couples rebuild trust that is broken. They want to know if the relationship can be restored. I offer them hope that it can, but will take an effort from both.

Broken Trust is Heartbreaking

Trust is foundational to relationships. Trust establishes security. On this foundation all other elements of the relationship are built.

When trust is broken, it involves a heartbreaker and a brokenhearted person. The heartbreaker is the person who did something or a series of things to violate trust in the relationship.

The brokenhearted is the person who has had their trust violated. It is emotionally painful for the brokenhearted person. Herein lies the formation of mistrust in the relationship. Depending on the offense, a couple may have a crack, crevice, or crater in the foundation.

Questions quickly emerge.

Is the foundation ruined? Can we rebuild trust? If so, how?

The answers to these questions depend on several factors. I will address them by sharing 7 steps to rebuild trust.

It takes a lot of work and time to rebuild trust. Couples must be patient with the process.
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1. Both partners must be willing to engage in the rebuilding process.

In order to rebuild trust, the heartbreaker and brokenhearted have to engage in the process. The heartbreaker has to focus on repairing the wound and demonstrating trustworthiness.

The process of rebuilding trust harder for the brokenhearted. Here’s why.

* The brokenhearted partner has to be open to forgive and move forward.

* The brokenhearted partner has to risk being hurt again.

* The brokenhearted partner has to work on letting the heartbreaker in again.

2. The pace of rebuilding is set by the brokenhearted.

Because the work to rebuild trust is harder for the brokenhearted, the pace has to be set by her/him. The heartbreaker must understand this an adjust accordingly. Think in terms of wound and recovery. A wounded person has a slower pace than a non-wounded partner.

If the heartbreaker sets the pace or pressures the brokenhearted to “get over it”, trust cannot be rebuilt. On the other hand, if the brokenhearted uses the process only to repeatedly punish the heartbreaker with anger and vitriol it may stall the process of recovery.

Remember, the aim for both parties is to rebuild trust. Attitude and actions are key.

3. The attitude and actions of the heartbreaker must be sincere.

If you are the heartbreaker that violated trust in your marriage read carefully. Your attitude and actions must focus on the pain you caused your spouse. You may not like to face it, but face it you must. Until you can empathize with the heartache your spouse has endured, you will not be able to rebuild trust.

Going forward your words and actions must be aligned. They must convey sincere remorse for your actions and a clear intent to rebuild trust in the relationship. Honesty across the board is paramount. This is not a time to think about protecting yourself. It is the brokenhearted spouse who needs to feel protection.

4. The brokenhearted at some point has to begin dispensing trust.

This is hard. Mistrust warns against it. Your head and heart have to work together. Lower your risk by dispensing trust in smaller doses. Dispense it based on the heartbreaker’s actions of day to rebuild trust.

Some make the mistake of giving full trust back right away. This may set you up for another heartbreak. Remember, small regular doses works best.

5. Rebuilding trust requires a daily effort on both partners.

Relationships are built on reciprocal patterns.

Ending marriage is not a subject I like to talk about. It cuts agains the grain of my passion.

Helping couples and families connect.

The reality is, not all marriages succeed. More than half end in divorce. To avoid talking about this subject is a disservice to my audience. Having been through divorce several years ago, I understand how painful this process is (my story).

Making the decision of ending marriage is complicated and difficult. So much is at stake, particularly if there are kids involved. No parent wants to make life hard on their children. Unfortunately, some marriages are already really hard on them. In some cases, staying together makes it worse.

Some marriages are hard on children. In some cases, staying together makes it worse.
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Ending marriage is a personal decision. You may get a lot of advice from people, but in the end you have to know for yourself if and when it is time to divorce. Here are seven indicators a marriage is dying.

When the toxicity takes its toll

In my previous blog I highlighted 5 symptoms of a toxic relationship.  Toxicity erodes the basic elements of a relationship: security, trust, love, and acceptance. Not a good sign.

Mistrust, bitterness, resentment, and animosity take a toxic toll on the relationship. Once allies, you are now adversaries in a marriage void of loving feelings. No matter what you try, you cannot get out of this pattern.

When you have done everything on your end to make it work

Because so much is at stake ending marriage, it is important to do everything you can on your end to make it work. It requires looking in the mirror, owning your faults, correcting them, and working on changing your attitude and actions in your marriage.

If you have done everything on your part and it hasn’t changed, it may be an indicator that the marriage is dying. This is a sad realization. It is not what you wanted. Knowing you can’t do the work of two, it may feel like it is over.

When exhaustion sets in

In general, marriage is hard work! Couples have to work at it together. When you’ve been doing everything on your end for a long period of time without change, it gets tiring. Here is where exhaustion sets in. It gets harder to do the work. The will to continue to fight for the marriage is weak. The fight is gone.

When you lose all respect

Respect is another fundamental element in marriage. If absent, the relationship is toxic. Without it, there is no hope for the marriage.

Indifference toward marriage is a bad sign. A spouse who has worked very hard to save a marriage and has not seen their partner work on their end, will likely lose all respect for him/her. If you have given your best to marriage and your spouse has not reciprocated, it will be hard to keep your respect.

When the actions by your spouse are a deal breaker

What constitutes a “deal breaker” is a personal thing. Tolerance for inappropriate behavior varies with individuals’ attitudes and values. Be that as it may, everyone has a breaking point.

In my profession, I find three areas in particular (“big 3”) that often become a deal breaker in ending marriage. They all begin with the letter A: Adultery, Abuse, and Addiction. Patterns of the “big 3” can wreck a marriage beyond repair. Note, I use the word patterns. I have helped couples recover from one or more of the ...

Guys, if you read and acted on the blog I wrote last week, What Women Crave From the Men They Love, you are making your girl happy. From a statistical standpoint it was the most popular blog I wrote by a large margin.  I’m talking Secretariat running in the Belmont type of margin!  Guys, it will serve you well to become a Modern Man of Chivalry.

Men have cravings too.  Talk about an understatement!  It’s not too difficult for women to know what men crave. Right?

Hold on a minute. What men crave is not what you think. Does a typical guy have sex on his mind a lot? Uh…yes! But that’s not all men crave from the women they love.

Ladies, you are really good at knowing what your guy likes.  You outclass men when it comes to tuning in.  However, if you want to make your man feel loved and secure in your relationship I recommend you focus on three things men crave from the women they love. I cannot claim this is true for all men, but it is for most.

Men Crave Acknowledgment

Generally speaking, guys are raised to be the providers and protectors of their families. They are wired to be problem-solvers, whether at work or home. A guy’s identity is wrapped around his ability to succeed in these areas. Most men bust their butts to take care of their families. What they crave from the women they love is a little acknowledgment.

Sometimes we screw up when we try to fix a spouse’s problem instead of just listening. We get frustrated easily and sometimes withdraw when we sense what we do to help isn’t working. The reason is, men don’t like to fail. When men hear a lot of criticism from the women they love, they will likely withdraw.

So, how do you keep your man from pulling away? It will help if you acknowledge his efforts to provide and care for his family. Men crave this. It is a form of validation. He will be more likely to try to listen better and be more attentive if he gets some credit for doing his job well. This may sound unfair in households where both mates work and acknowledgment should go both ways. I agree it should. Be that as it may, men crave acknowledgment. Maybe more so than women.

Most men bust their butts to take care of their families. What they crave from the women they love…
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Men Crave Attention

Early in relationship men and women give each other a lot of attention. Later when kids come along attention gets divided. The mother-child bond is often stronger than father-child. This is often due to childbearing and primary responsibilities of caring for children being weighted toward women. Consequently, the emotional needs of women are easily met bonding with children.

Men often have some challenges adjusting to the demands of parenting. They love being dads but they miss alone time with their soul mates. Some guys struggle with a little jealousy. Men crave some attention from the women they love.

Perhaps a few women reading this may feel pressure or have some resentment. It’s not like you have all this time and energy to take care of yet another person! I get it. Especially if your guy is not pitching in to help. If that’s the case, he needs to read last week’s blog and step up his game! (Dude, if that’s you, read this!)

The main point here is that men are no different from women when it comes to attention. Men crave it too! Not a lot.

I’m not simply referring to the grocery list you’re given on your way home from work. Chivalry goes to another level.  It combines the head and the heart to deliver on the needs that matter to a woman.  How does this happen?  Let me offer you three approaches that work.

One of the most important female cravings is for a man to care for them in a manner that makes them…
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The Art of Anticipation

Chivalry anticipates and delivers.  Anticipation is the art of knowing what your woman needs before she does.

You may be wondering. How do I do that?

Here’s how.

By becoming a student of your spouse and taking good notes. It’s as simple as that.  A good student asks questions. In a previous blog I wrote about the art of curiosity, asking questions that help you understand your mate.

How well do you know your woman? As a starter can you accurately answer these 7 questions about your spouse/girlfriend?

* Do you know her five favorite restaurants?

* Do you know her favorite getaway spots?

* What are her current stressors?

* What does your woman need when she is stressed out?

* What is your woman’s primary way of needing to be loved by you?

* What are the signs when your woman is overwhelmed?

* What are some practical ways she needs your help day-to-day?

Once you compile answers to these questions, you will know how to anticipate her needs. Modern man chivalry develops an art of anticipation.

Chivalry anticipates and delivers. Anticipation is the art of knowing what your woman needs before…
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The Act of Initiation

One of the biggest complaints I hear from women is that the men they love lack initiation.  Like kids, men often wait until they are told before they act.  Women do not find this attractive or manly at all!

What women prefer is a guy who takes the lead.  They want him to think ahead and plan. This is a real turn-on for a woman. For example, when it comes to a date night, a guy who takes the lead to plan is scoring major points with his girl.  Planning would include the following:

* Inviting her out to dinner

* Picking a day and time that works

* Making reservations at a restaurant you know she likes

* Securing a babysitter

The Awe of Attraction

As we age our physical attributes change. This is normal. However, our culture places high value on the perfection of beauty. Women face pressure men cannot comprehend.  It is the pressure of maintaining outward attraction.

A man of chivalry is sensitive to his woman.  He makes her feel cherished by expressing awe for her inner and outer beauty. Even as she ages, he notices the glimmer in her eye, the softness of her hands, and the beauty in her smile. A man of chivalry reminds his woman she has not lost his attraction to her by expressing these things.

I am writing this blog in the lobby of a quaint hotel along the Fox River in Geneva, IL called the Herrington Inn & Spa.  Take a look at this short clip of my act of chivalry this weekend. I hope it will give you some ideas!

If you are a guy, do yourself a favor, read and save this article.  In fact, you may want to send to some of your buddies.  If you are a wife or girlfriend, forward this to your man.

Guys, we have this dilemma when it comes to helping the women we love when they share their problems with us.  Women don’t listen!  They come to us all upset about something that happened during the day and they unload.  We hear the story, tell them where they went wrong, offer a solution, “bada boom, bada bing”, problem solved!

You think they would be happy, perhaps give a peck on the cheek, and say something like “you’re a freaking genius”!  But just the opposite happens.  They turn their anger on us and become even more upset, saying things like…

“I should have never talked to you in the first place.”

“Thanks for making me feel worse!”

“If I wanted your advice I would have asked for it.”

Confusing huh?  Why would they be coming to us in the first place if they didn’t want help?  After all, isn’t it our job to solve problems?  It’s what most of us do all day at work.  Isn’t true that males carry the “problem solver” gene?  If women don’t want our help then why do they come to us all upset?

Women bring their problems not so we can fix them.  They just need us to listen and support.  Is this too difficult?  I think we muddle the problem by stepping in with analysis and solutions women are not seeking.  Truth be told, women are just as intelligent as men.  It’s not our “smarts” they want.  It’s our “hearts”.  Let me clear up the confusion for you and show you how to fix her problem in 5 easy steps.  NOTE: The key  words are in CAPS.

Hey guys, when it comes to fixing her problem, women want our hearts not our smarts.
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Step #1: You may not have a problem to FIX.

Turn off the problem solving switch, kick back and relax.  You are not on call to fix anything.

Step #2: You do have a problem to LISTEN to.

Open your ears and listen to what she is trying to say to you.  As you listen, track two things that will let her know you support her.  Track her thoughts.  Track her feelings.  You will need this information in steps three and four.

Step #3: REPEAT the problem back to her.

Paraphrase what you hear her say.  It’s as simple as saying, “Sounds like you’ve had a rough day today between the kids and extra work piled on you by your boss.”  Here is where you may be tempted to go into problem-solving mode.  Be careful, use restraint, and remember step one!

Step #4: VALIDATE her feelings.

This is the hardest step because it will require you to move from the left side of your brain to the right.  The left side is the thinking stream.  This is the side of the brain where guys spend most of their waking moments.  The right side is the feeling stream.  This is where women most often process things during the day.  For the most part females can balance left and right brain processes better than men.

Guys are not as comfortable dealing with feelings.  After all, we are raised to express the more dominant emotions of anger and frustration.  However, we were discouraged as young boys from showing weaker feelings of worry, fear, sadness, or loneliness.  So when girls express these emotions we become uncomfortable and quickly use left brain strategies to solve the problem.  This approach invalidates women’s feelings and causes them to react or shut down.