All About We

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 4 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide we unpack traveling in the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I discuss how deal with travel stress and share some specific steps to take to help you and the kids be at your best on the road or in the air!

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 10 minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 3 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide we about managing expectations in the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I discuss how deal with stress and share some specific steps to take to manage expectations of others and your own.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 2 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide we tackle the topic of feeling overwhelmed by the holidays. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I discuss how deal with stress and share some specific steps to take to reduce feeling overwhelmed.

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

The All About We Podcast has a gift for you! It is called a Holiday Relationship Survival Guide, 12 topics in 12 days heading up to Christmas. These mini-podcasts address topics that are often holiday stressors. We offer you tips and strategies to navigate the season by keeping the happy in the holidays.

In Day 1 of the Holiday Relationship Survival Guide we tackle the topic of spending. Listen as Amanda Berlin and I discuss how to make gift-giving a meaningful experience without breaking the bank!

Each of the daily podcasts are meant to listen to on the go. Quick tips in 1o minutes or under! Click the link above.

You can subscribe to the All About We Podcast on iTunes or Android on the links above.

 

Most of my childhood memories of Christmas are pleasant. I was fortunate to belong to a close family. But one holiday my parents got into a huge argument. It shook me up. I cannot recall what it was about, but I imagine it had to do with being stressed out. Hey, raising 5 kids is no easy task!

As a spouse and parent I have pleasant and painful memories too. Seeing the look on my children’s face when they rip open the Christmas wrap to discover their wish has come true is priceless! Yet, missing the moment because it’s not my holiday with the kids this year was a harsh reality of divorce I later endured.

I imagine you have your happy and sad memories too. We all do. Nobody has a “Hallmark greeting card” holiday every year. It may look like that on the outside, but don’t let the decorations fool you. In many homes the holidays are stressful. In some cases, dreadful.

The holiday season is about embracing faith and family. Sadly, it is commercialized to an extreme. Black Friday, Cyber Monday ignite shopping mania! Events, parties, pageants, and a slew of activities fill the calendar. Buckle up. The December run has begun!

No worries, I have your back! I am releasing “Your Holiday Relationship Survival Guide”. It will begin on December 11th. You can receive the FREE guide by clicking here.

For 12 consecutive days you will receive a short video that will help you address one of the many challenges of the holidays. My cohost, Amanda Berlin on The All About We Podcast and I talk about the things that add stress during the holidays. I offer some practical tips you can use to keep the happy in the holidays.

Each video is 10 minutes or under. Easy and on-the-go! Take a quick look at the topics the Survival Guide will cover.

Managing expectations: your family’s, your friends’ and your own!

Materialism and obligations: the things that sap the true meaning of the holidays

Grief: the crushing sadness that sometimes permeates the season

Family drama:the nagging, the passive aggression, and the downright insulting stuff that makes you want to stay away all together

Spending: the financial pressure of the season

Loneliness: deal with feeling disconnected during the “most wonderful time of the year”

Overwhelm:so many demands, so little time

Exhaustion: the pressure to spread ourselves too thin

Self-Esteem: managing temptation with indulgence

Travel: finding peace during the most volatile of all holiday experiences

Estrangement: learn to repair or deepen bonds with meaningful people in your life

Kid craziness: enjoy the holidays through you kids’ eyes, instead of living in fear that they will misbehave

Think about how happier your holiday can be when you not only have all the gifts wrapped, but you have your head and heart in a good place too! Imagine working as team, like Mr. & Mrs. Claus above. I have solutions to your stress. Solutions that work!

It’s free. No strings attached. The Holiday Survival Kit is my gift to you! What do you have to lose? More importantly, what will you gain when you invest in less than 10 minutes a day to gain perspective and get proven strategies.

Sign me up for the Holiday Survival Kit!

If there’s one thing that can spoil Thanksgiving Day, it’s a bad turkey. Come to think of it, there are a few more things that can spoil TD that have nothing to do with food. Let me explain.

Thanksgiving Day is a national holiday where families across America enjoy a traditional meal together, giving thanks for the blessings we enjoy in our free country. While this may be the intent when we gather around the table, there are no guarantees it will go well.

Stuff happens when families gather that can spoil the turkey. I’m not talking about the stuffing in the turkey. I mean the stuffing in the family! It’s the stuff inside people bring that can spoil the event.

Here’s some stuff that can spoil Thanksgiving:

Heated conversation about the recent election!

Members who help themselves but don’t lift a finger to help out

Out-of-control alcohol consumption

Negative comments made by a parent you can never please

Not being on the same page with your spouse

Over the course of the past two weeks I have listened to sadness of some and jubilation of others impacted by the outcome of the recent presidential election. I am concerned that relationships are wounded over sentiments expressed. Amanda Berlin recently shared an article with me about a guy whose “best man” unfriended him on Facebook after he posted that he voted for the President-elect Trump!

I listed a few things above that can spoil a wonderful occasion. Perhaps you can think of others that pertain to your situation. The important thing is to activate your spoiler alert system and be prepared in advance. Here are some things you can do early in advance of Thanksgiving Day.

Identify what you are anxious about as you approach the holidays.

Talk to your spouse about your concerns.

Have a “let’s get on the same page” conversation together.

In a couples session last week, a couple discussed what to do if the topic of the election came up during Thanksgiving. They came up with a plan on what to do if the discussion got out of hand.

Another couple discussed how they were going to deal with the issue of alcohol since it has become a problem in the marriage recently. Both conversations were productive and the couples feel more confident going into the holidays.

Here are some tips on how to deal with your spoiler ahead of time:

Make time to de-stress before Thanksgiving Day.

Establish realistic expectations about the day and people who trigger you.

Envision what you want the day to be like for you.

Be clear on the boundaries you want to set around “spoilers”.

Start the day with a positive mood. Listen to your favorite music, go for a walk, soak in the tub. Find what works for you and do it.

Do not allow others to hijack you mood. Stay positive. Take deep breaths. You are the boss of your mood. Don’t give it away to a grumpy spouse or badgering kids!

Do a mental rehearsal of how you want the day to be for you. Think about the people you want to connect with and the fun you imagine you’ll have with them!

Do a check-in with your spouse before you gather with the family and later in the day so that you start and stay on the same page. Check-ins keep you focused together.

Prepare how you will respectfully handle a situation when conversations about the election heat up. 

Unclog your ears so that negative comments flow in one ear and out the other.

Instead of complaining about the unhelpful relative, try politely asking him/her for help. “Uncle Joe, would you mind helping me clear the table? Afterward we can serve the pumpkin pie I know is your favorite!”

Monitor your own alcohol consumption, not your spouses. This is not easy in marriages where one has an alcohol dependency, but do your best. Remember you cannot control others or manage their sobriety.

Focus on people who don’t need fixing. Enjoy the company of people who bring out your smile.

Make time to express thanksgiving for the blessings in your life. In my family we take turns around the table, expressing gratitude for one new blessing in the year.

Now it’s My Turn

This is normally where I challenge you with a call to action. Today I want to take a moment to say thank you to the loyal readers of this blog and followers of the All About We Podcast (see link above). It gives me much joy and fulfillment knowing what I deliver is making a difference in your marriage and family. I am moved by the kind words I receive on a regular basis from you. May you have a heartwarming Thanksgiving Day with your family and friends.

 

Have you ever felt like your spouse doesn’t get it? You try expressing your concerns that the marriage is struggling but it falls on deaf ears. Or maybe you get a paltry answer like, “things are fine” or “you worry too much”. So you lay awake worrying while your mate sleeps in oblivion.

In some marriages, one is asleep to the reality of how bad things are in the relationship. They assume things are copacetic. They claim you are hard to please. Yet what’s ignored is the fact that things are not as good as they think. In some cases, it’s far worse.

How can a spouse so close to the situation be so clueless? Why do some partners adopt an ostrich “head in the sand” approach to marriage?

Marriage is often taken for granted as stable enough to endure strife or unhappiness. Some claim, “No marriage is perfect. We’ll be fine.” Be careful! This misassumption can put your marriage at risk for failure. An “early” wake up call can save your marriage if:

you’re starting to drift from each other

your spouse says she/he is lonely

there is an uptick in the frequency of conflict

there is a decrease in frequency of sex

If you experience one or more of these symptoms, your marriage is in trouble. You need an early wake up call. I’ll give you some suggestions shortly but first let me warn you. If you wait too long you may be jolted by a late wake up call.

In the 1999 movie, “The Sixth Sense” Bruce Willis portrayed Dr. Malcom Crowe, a child psychologist working with a boy who describes his problem, “I see dead people.” Throughout the movie we see Dr. Crowe struggling to reach this boy. Meanwhile at home he also cannot seem to penetrate the loneliness his wife experiences. However, his real problem was within. He was dead and didn’t know it.

Sadly, I find this to be true with some couples. Their marriage is dead and only one knows it. The reality comes in the form of a late wake up call that jolts their spouse.

A late wake up call happens after you discover your lonely spouse is having an affair. You failed to take your partner’s cries for attention seriously. Someone else now meets that need.

A late wake up call happens when your mate follows through on her/his threat and you are served divorce papers.

You can be an ostrich with your head in the sand or a lifeguard perched on a tower watching over the shore of your home, making sure your marriage is safe. An early wake up call:

Clears your head – “Things are worse than I imagined.”

Clarifies your vision – “I don’t like what I’ve become and want to change.”

Can stir you to action – “I accept responsibility for my part in this marriage and am committed to change my attitude and behavior.”

Can mark a moment of lasting change – “It took this to wake me up so going forward I am determined to live an authentic relationship. No more pretending or making excuses.”

My hope for everyone who reads this blog or listens to the podcast above is that you never have to suffer the pain of a late wake up call. Here are 4 alarms to set for an early wake up call.

Pay close attention to your marriage. Be the lifeguard, not the ostrich.

Give serious attention to your spouse’s voiced concerns. Tell her/him you are taking them seriously now.

Modify your approach to marriage to address these concerns. You will have to shift your priorities to invest time in the relationship.

Get some coaching or counseling to develop or improve your relationship skills. No excuses anymore. Help is out there. Get it!

So what is it for you? An early or late wake up call? If early, what is your next step? Look over the list of things to do and take action. If you got the late wake up call, what have you learned?

Last week I wrote about entitlement, the viral attack on kids today. I traced the origins of this virus and the negative effect it has on the family, especially kids. You can check it out here. I vowed not to leave you hanging and promised this week to prescribe an antidote to entitlement.

If you want to protect or heal your kids from the virus of entitlement give them daily doses of empowerment. The definition of empower is – “to give or delegate power or authority to; to give qualities or abilities to.”

The antidote of empowerment is giving your kids “age-appropriate” authority to master their world. It involves a two-step process I outline in my book Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict. It’s easy to remember:

Step in to instill confidence and train your kids to perform a task.

Step back and empower them to perform.

Repeat processes 1 and 2 until your kid establishes it as a habit. The key here is to understand your kid has power. It can be used to control or manipulate as means to get their way. Or, it can be used to increase their autonomy and respect for others.

In short, empowerment is fostering the development of the human will in a positive direction.

Empower kids to think, feel, speak, and act for themselves

Express their will in a benevolent manner.

Use power to benefit me and others.

This is what sets empowerment apart from entitlement and why it is the perfect antidote!

Your kids can become successful in life when you empower them in these four areas.

Kids benefit when parents encourage the use of their problem-solving, creativity, and imagination skills. A key method is to instill confidence in their ability to think and find solutions. Parents who figure things out for their kids establish a dependency dynamic in the relationship. Allow your child time to figure things out. If they’re struggling you can guide, but by all means, don’t think for them!

[Tweet “Kids benefit when parents encourage the use of their problem-solving, creativity, and imagination skills.”]

Kids today text to talk. Consequently they do not fully develop the ability to communicate. I recommend you introduce your kids to the practice of conversation. Every day make time to converse with your kids. I’m not talking about the tasks that need to get done, but about topics that help you connect. Adopt a position of natural curiosity and talk about their day, their thoughts/views on what is going on in their world.

Empower your kids to voice their feelings. You may need to coach them on intensity, but they need to say how they feel without being judged. It is important that kids develop their voice so that they can learn how to set boundaries with others.

Finally, teach your kids how to interact with others. Coach them how to greet people, look them in the eye, and pay compliments.

Your kids need to learn basic life skills. One of my earliest memories is my mom teaching me how to fold my clothes and make my bed. At age 7, my dad taught me how to take out the garbage and it became my chore. As I grew, more followed.

Teaching your kids age-appropriate skills is crucial to healthy development. It builds self-confidence, self-esteem, and promotes autonomy. It also helps kids understand that one of the primary ways of belonging in a family is to make a contribution.

Entitled kids focus primarily on themselves. When they do for others it may have selfish ends. Why? Because their hearts do not have an outward focus.

Our job as parents is to empower the hearts of our kids to care for others. It begins by teaching them to show parents and siblings respect. Make this a rule in your home. Model it first. Require it next. Establish consequences when it is not shown. Again, you can learn more about how to do this by reading my book.

Teaching your kids to care for others develops their empathy skill. Without empathy kids will struggle to develop close relationships in childhood through adulthood. However, if you empower their hearts, your kids will be successful in life.

I identified the virus of entitlement and delivered the antidote of empowerment. Think about your kids. Do one or more suffer from the virus? Where can you begin today to apply the antidote?

As a mindful parent you do everything within your power to establish a healthy environment where your kids can thrive. No way will you allow anything infectious to creep into your home. You scour the internet seeking solutions to anything kid related. When it comes to your kids, you are on the ball!

No doubt, parents feel pressure when it comes to meeting the needs or demands kids present. It can be exhausting! You are the “Siri” to every kid problem–including boredom.

Millennial kids are infected with a virus of entitlement. Many believe it is the responsibility of adults: parents, teachers, coaches, etc… to make life as easy and fun as possible. Kids expect much from adults and little from themselves.

The entitlement virus did not appear over night. It slowly creeped into our culture. Here are three conditions that contribute to the problem.

In the post-Depression, WWII Era, parents vowed that their children would not suffer the hardships they endured growing up. They wanted their kids to have things they were not afforded. Consequently, parents were diligent in pursuit of the American Dream.

Parenting styles were fashioned after the military stressing the importance of authority, discipline, and responsibility. Kids new what was expected of them: beds made, chores done, homework completed, and tardiness to school unacceptable.

Punishment for non-compliance was swift. It often came in the form of groundings, spankings, and extra chores. Parents ruled, kids obeyed. If a child dared to question a parent’s demand, they could expect to hear “because I said so!”.

[mk_message_box]I offer solutions to this problem in my book “Bringing Respect Back: Communicating Without the Conflict”. See link on the right.[/mk_message_box]

The authoritarian parenting style was successful in raising responsible kids. However, the notion that kids “are to be seen, not heard” was extreme, not to mention some forms of punishment. Future generations sought to correct this problem. Unfortunately, the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. We’ve gone from “police parenting” to “passive parenting”.

Parents in successive generations continue striving to give their kids more than what they had growing up. This sparked a new movement toward dual-income families. Women entered the workforce. The phenomena of daycare centers and “latch key children” followed.

Balancing two careers with managing a household put a lot more pressure on parents. The amount of energy required on a daily basis takes it’s toll. Many parents feel stressed and overwhelmed. Furthermore, they feel guilty that they are not around enough or doing a good job in parenting. To compensate, parents started expecting less of their kids and doing more for them.

Consider how much media permeates our lives. A few generations ago kids listened to radio and went to the movies. Today children have access to media in multiple forms: TV, computer, smartphones, and tablets. Kids are influenced by entertainment, advertisement, and social media to believe they are entitled to have the best in life. They are also lead to believe that adults exist to make it happen.

Some argue that entitlement is good for kids. “Giving kids more than what we had is a good thing. What’s the harm?”

Making kids the center of attention all the time is not good for them. It gives them more power than they are prepared to wield. You can see it by the way some kids order their parents around, have tantrums in the store, or win tug-of-war battles over homework. It seems no matter what parents do, it’s not enough to satisfy entitled kids. They want more attention, more things, and more, and more, and more…

Here are four ways an entitlement virus affects the health of a family.

I am not talking about physical growth. Entitlement stunts their development in these areas.

Cognitively – parents who do too much for their kids, inhibit the development of their problem solving skills.

Emotionally – giving in to a child’s emotional outbursts inhibits their ability to develop emotional control or frustration tolerance. It reinforces impulsivity. Not good for kids.

Socially – kids who are allowed to act out with you will struggle keeping friends. Children need to develop social awareness and understand how to properly interact with others.

Autonomy – kids who do not develop the skills above will struggle when they transition into adulthood. We see this happening already on campuses and in the workplace where millennials struggle to perform.

Children who have an over-inflated view of themselves will likely treat others poorly. I see this often in my work with families and when I’m in social situations. It doesn’t help that entertainment encourages kids to disrespect adults either. Disrespect will destroy happiness and unity in a home.

I witness the virus of entitlement creating adversarial relationships. Kids fight with each other over things they feel entitled to. They can also be demanding of parents and will fight to get their way. No one is happy after war–except maybe the kid who got his/her way.

Parents in a culture of entitlement feel pressure on all sides. They feel it from their kids. They feel it from other parents who boast about the latest thing their kid is in. They also feel it from advertisers who bombard them with the latest thing their kid needs. And if you didn’t see the commercial, your kid did and you will hear about it.

Hopefully you can see the concerns raised by the presence of this virus in our culture. However, I have some good news for you. There is an antidote for the virus of entitlement. It’s called “empowerment”. I will address it in my next blog/podcast. Stay tuned!

Most couples come to see me for help in communication. When asked to describe the problem, I often hear…

I think we get careless as we get comfortable in relationships. Negative patterns form like criticism, defensiveness, or judgment. This dynamic disrupts communication, lowering the comfort level.

[Tweet “I think we get careless as we get comfortable in relationships.”]

When we expect a negative reaction, we are less likely to open up to a spouse. So, how do we raise the comfort level in communication? Here are 5 steps that help.

Do you fear your spouse’s reaction–criticism, dismissiveness, blame, rejection? Some feel like they are not taken seriously, that what they say “goes in one ear and out the other”.

Is the “lump” an insecurity based on low self-esteem? “I’m not smart. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m making a big deal out of this.”

If it is fear based on the repeated reactions of your spouse then it is a “we” problem. Something is happening in the pattern of interaction that lowers the comfort level.

On the other hand, if you struggle with self-confidence or low self-esteem then you primarily have a “me” problem to address. If this is you, don’t fret! There are ways to increase self-confidence.

To raise the comfort level you cannot conceal the lump in your throat anymore. You will have to talk about this with your spouse. I know, I’m prescribing the problem. Sounds like you need a safe place to start, right?

Sometimes the best way to start the conversation is in written form. Crafting a letter to your mate gives you a format to organize your thoughts and communicate your concerns in a respectful manner.

You can send it by email with a request to talk about the contents later in the day. This gives your spouse opportunity to read and listen with an open heart. Be sure to write it as a “we” problem. For example you may start by writing, “I am concerned lately about a problem we have communicating. Maybe you are frustrated too.”

After your expose your “lump in the throat” your spouse may also want to talk about what lowers the comfort level for him/her too. Show respect by being open to listen to your partner.

If it’s a “we” problem, discuss ways you can make it easier when you talk. Marian and I have certain cues we use to alert each other when we want to raise the comfort level. Notice the picture above? This is one of the ways we choose to talk when we want to increase safety. Trust me, it works.

Here are a few tips I suggest:

Take turns speaking and listening.

Summarize what you hear your spouse saying before you speak

Use “I” and “we” statements. Avoid “you” statements. They can be inflammatory.

Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt that they genuinely care about your needs

[mk_message_box]Check out my interview on this blog on the All About We Podcast by clicking  the the play button above![/mk_message_box]

Changing patterns takes mutual effort over time. Be patient with each other. It won’t be fixed because you had one conversation. Follow-up with each other. Make modifications as necessary. Marian and I learned new things we can do or say that make it easier to talk. We add these things to our repertoire of tools we use to raise the comfort level.

Change is more likely achieved when you celebrate the minor victories. Look for the slightest effort and acknowledge it. This will create a positive feedback loop. Establishing a positive pattern of communication motivates you to do it more.

Lumps leave. Comfort increases.

So what’s your next move? If it’s a “me” problem, maybe you can read a book on self-confidence or see a coach or counselor.

If you identified a “we” problem what will you do next? Write a letter? Have a conversation?

One final recommendation. If you’re spouse comes to you to talk about the comfort level of communication in your marriage, be open. Do not be defensive. Give your spouse the respect to be heard. The comfort level can only go up from here.