All About We

It shouldn’t be that complicated right? After all, you’re not asking for a lot–maybe just a little help from him with the kids. You want her to cut back a little on spending. By the reaction it might seem you were asking for their right arm!

Why is it so hard getting my partner to meet my needs? That’s a loaded question. If you are a frequent reader of my blogs you’re learning that couples develop patterns. Earlier in the relationship getting needs met was fairly simple. You were eager to do things for each other. Somewhere along the way you two got away from “feeding the need meter”. I’ll explain what this means.

You can actually get needs met in your relationship by developing these 5 habits.

Feed the need meter

Marriages are interdependent. Strength of a couple bond is determined in part by servicing needs. Let’s face it–men and women are needy, but not in a weak way. We seek basic needs from each other. Needs for attention, support, understanding, etc… Couples must regularly feed the need meter.

How would you grade your meter feeding habit? Answer honestly. If you’re good at feeding the meter then it will be a lot easier to get your needs met. If you haven’t developed this habit you cannot expect much. You need to get moving and feed the meter now.

To be clear, feeding the need meter is not doing what you think your mate needs. Guys, a dozen of roses are nice, but she may need you to help her with the kids. Ladies, he doesn’t need a new shirt, he needs a smaller Visa bill.

So, before you think about how you can actually get your need met be sure you’re feeding the meter too.

Choose the right time to ask

Take a look at the infographic above. What do you notice? The couple are in a coffee shop, sipping cappuccinos, and holding hands. They are out of the home environment, away from distractions, focused on each other. I get the sense they are treating themselves to well-earned time together.

If you want to increase the probability that your partner will hear and respond to your need, choose the right time to ask. Often we ask in frustration during the heat of battle. “Can I get a little help over here???” Communication gets distorted by our filters–how things are said and heard. Negative patterns form quickly when couples communicate on the run.

To break this pattern you will need to choose a better time and place to have a conversation.

Choose the right tone to ask

“It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Have you heard this before? The tone we use in getting our needs met is a key factor in outcome. If the tone is critical or disrespectful then you will likely get resistance. If you get compliance it comes with resentment.

I want you to understand the effect tone has in relationships. The tone of voice. The non-verbal tone of actions. The huff or rolling of eyes sets a negative tone. Sitting across a table holding hands sets a positive tone. It conveys a message–“We are here for each other.”

Before you present a need to your spouse, rehearse your tone. I recommend you begin with a compliment, an acknowledgment of something positive about your partner. This sets a respectful tone. Follow-up with your request.

Answer the why question

Why is this important to me? You may know the answer, but your spouse may not. Consequently, it may seem as important therefore ignored or dismissed as trivial. Or your partner may draw wrong conclusions about the intent of your request. Answering the why question avoids misassumptions about your intention.

Answering the why question about your request for help with the kids has to connect with your need. “Because you’re their father!” is a criticism at his parenthood. “Because it allow me to focus on getting di...

Do you find it difficult to relax? You work from sunrise to moonlight, exhausted as you collapse in bed, yet finding it difficult to sleep because you are worried about how to tackle tomorrow’s agenda.

When someone pays you a compliment, do you have a hard time accepting it? Your inner critic blocks it by silently reminding you of several things you did earlier in the day that were subpar.

Is it hard to admit when you are wrong? You work so hard to avoid mistakes because to fail is unacceptable, a sure sign you are a unsuited for the job of spouse, parent, or worker.

If you said “yes” to one or more of these questions you probably beat yourself up—a lot. Guess what? You’re not alone. You belong to a huge tribe of secret self-punishers.

Beating yourself up sounds extreme doesn’t it. That’s because it is. Look, we all make mistakes or have habits we want to break. It’s “our stuff”. Owning it is important. However, there are more respectful and effective ways to go about it.

You can own your stuff without beating yourself up by making 5 clever decisions

Get to the root of the problem – your faulty belief system

Your main problem is not your stuff–it’s how you think about your stuff. If you’re beating yourself up regularly then it is very likely you have some rigid standards about performance. In other words, you operate by a high bar. High bar people have to be perfect, can’t make mistakes, and if they do, others are not permitted to see them.

To avoid a beating of the self, some people use denial and blame to deal with “stuff”. When that doesn’t work, one is forced to accept responsibility. The underlying belief system doles out the punishment. Let the beatings begin.

If you want to do a better job owning your stuff, it begins by getting to the root of the problem–identifying your faulty belief system. Here are some examples.

“I have to be perfect. I cannot make mistakes. I cannot show weakness.” This is a faulty belief system.

“If I make mistakes or do something wrong it is unacceptable and I deserve to be punished.” This too is a faulty belief system.

If you want to own your stuff without beating yourself up, you have to change your faulty belief system.

Take an honest look at the impact of your faulty belief system

How do you look after you beat yourself up? Look at the emotional bruises. Some people actually punish themselves physically with cuts and bruises. What is the status of your self-esteem? If you feel worse, feel ashamed, depressed, or think only negatively, you have done great harm to yourself.

Think honestly about your relationships. How are they impacted by your faulty belief system? Are you extremely defensive? Are you rigid in your thinking? Do people have to walk on eggshells around you? Do you have intense battles because you resist owning your stuff?

If your faulty belief system is causing you and those you care about harm, then it is time you do something about it. Again, the main problem is not your stuff. It’s how you think about your stuff.

Your main problem is not your stuff–it’s how you think about your stuff.
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Introduce yourself to a new way of looking at your stuff

It’s time to change your faulty belief system. Easier said than done. I know, I understand. However, it’s time to make some introductions to a modified belief system. Relationships begin with an introduction. Repeated encounters develop a stronger relationship.

You currently have a relationship with The Constant Criti...

The response to my last blog, 7 Things Your Kid Wants From You But Will Never Ask, was enormous. Scores of people shared it on their social media sites. So, a big thank you!

It seems prudent to follow up with a blog to help parents get at some of the things your kid wants but will never ask. I am not going to barrage you with a list of things to do. Instead I want to focus on one simple concept. Being the leader your kid needs now.

Deep down inside, your kid wants you to be 3 things: loving, firm, and fun. Do you possess all three on a consistent basis? If you waver in these areas your kid will react negatively in one way or another. They need you to be the leader who sets the tone for the family.

Every parent can be a leader by taking control in these 5 areas.

Deep down inside, your kid wants you to be 3 things: loving, firm, and fun.
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Taking control over negative beliefs about your parenting

One of the places many parents get stuck is in their head. Guilt and fear are primary negative beliefs that drive their decisions.

Here are a few examples of guilt scripts. “I am not doing enough for my kid… I’m not around enough for my kid…I’m not giving my kid what he wants…”

Fear scripts may sound like this. “I fear my kid will fail… I am afraid I will ruin my kid… I am afraid my kid won’t like me… I am afraid my kid is making me look like a bad parent…I am afraid I will fail as a parent…”

Negative beliefs contribute to defeatism. Beliefs inform behavior. Parents on the run repeat patterns based on fear and guilt hoping that somehow things will improve down the road.

It is important to change your script. Your parenting approach will change accordingly.  Here are a few examples of positive scripts (beliefs).

“I live in a world of imperfect parents. Therefore I choose not to beat myself up.”  “I choose love over fear as the primary motivation for my decisions.” “If I say no it’s not the end of the world. My kid will get over it.”

I have a special offer! For this week only, everyone who subscribes (free) to my new, “The All About We Podcast” with co-host, Amanda Berlin, will receive a free copy of “How To Rewrite Negative Scripts”. Click here to subscribe.

Taking control over your negative attitude toward your kid

When conflict patterns develop in parent-child relationships negative attitudes develop. This forms a posture for future interactions. Brains form default attitudes that activate when a scent of conflict is in the air.

“I can’t stand being around her. She always pushes my buttons.” “He is just a defiant kid. No matter what I say, he’s not going to listen.”

Kids can detect the negative attitude. It reinforces their own mistaken belief that they are not loved.

If you want to be the leader your kid needs now you have to get control over your negative attitude. Your “button-pushing” kid is looking for attention. Try giving it to her in a positive manner. Your defiant son is willful and being assertive. Perhaps these are positive traits, simply taken a little too far.

Changing your attitude will shift your interaction from negative t...

Today we tackle the second 5 steps in how to get past the past. For the first five, check out part 1 of this episode in this article, Ten Steps to Move Past the Past.

As always, tell us what you think. We’d love to hear what you have to say. Leave a comment here. Tell us what topics you’d like to hear us cover in the future. Find us on iTunes, take two seconds to subscribe and leave a review.

 

Welcome to All About We, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful with Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach Don Olund and Communication Expert and Self-Improvement Devotee Amanda Berlin.

Today we are talking about ME! Well, not me, really. You, but you, in your relationship and what happened to all the things that make you YOU when you became a WE.

We fulfill a lot of different roles in our lives, professional and personal. Employee, boss, spouse, parent, child, sibling, cousin, aunt. When roles shift the world can feel off-kilter. So when we enter into a committed relationship and become part of a couple, it’s no wonder there’s an adjustment period. We need to reexamine who we are as individuals and as an individual as a partner in a relationship.

In this episode learn about:

How we found our ME in the first place

How do we hold sacred the ME when we become a WE

What happens to us when we feel lost and how we can reclaim peace and ease

Don and Amanda’s own ME evolutions, including some quirky habits and epiphanies in aloneness

Tell us what you think. We’d love to hear what you have to say. And please tell us what topics you’d like to hear us cover in the future. Finally, leave a comment or review in iTunes. We’d be ever-so-grateful!

P.S. Here are Amanda’s favorite This American Life picks!

Amanda’s All-Time Faves: (so many good ones. these are the ones that most readily came to mind)

What I Learned From Television

Nice Work If You Can Get It

Return to the Scene of the Crime

Home Alone

Allure of the Mean Friend

How to Rest in Peace

About relationships:

The Break-Up

Infidelity

Life and Health and Family Dynamics:

Big Wide World

Switched at Birth

Dr. Gilmer and Mr. Hyde

Chicago Relevant:

Harper High Part One

Harper High Part Two

Welcome to All About We, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful with, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach Don Olund and Communication Expert and Self-Improvement Devotee Amanda Berlin.

Today we are talking those salty things that come from the corner of your eyes when you’re sad…or angry…or frustrated…or happy…or — you get the point. Some of us wear our emotions on our sleeve. And, some others among us don’t always get that or know what to do with it.

Today we’re talking about what to do when your partner is showing [maybe you’d call it extreme] emotions and you’re not quite sure how to respond.

You’ll hear some tidbits on:

How the ways we’ve been nurtured contributes to a misunderstanding of tears

What to do when all your spouse can do is say “What can I do to make it stop?!?!”

What to do when you’re confronted with a crier (i.e. how to make it stop)

How to ask for what you need in those emotional moments

This is an issue near and dear to Amanda’s heart — hear her personal experience of dealing with being labeled “a crier.”

Tell us what you think. We’d love to hear what you have to say. And please tell us what topics you’d like to hear us cover in the future. Finally, leave a comment or review in iTunes. We’d be ever-so-grateful!

Welcome to All About We, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful with, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and relationship coach Don Olund and communication expert and self-improvement devotee Amanda Berlin. 

In this episode, we are talking about why we should even bother trying to save a relationship that feels like it’s dying.

Learn more about:

The psychology behind our “need” for relationships

What we need to do to really come together as a couple to work on repair

Why “not” working on the relationship leads to more energy drain than sticking where you are

P.S. There are a couple audio snafus in this one that we’re aware of. Keep listening. Audio quality in future episodes is better. Sorry!

Welcome to the first episode of ALL ABOUT WE, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful. With, the relationship expert you may know and love, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and relationship coach Don Olund, and co-host communication expert and self-improvement devotee Amanda Berlin. 

In this episode, we wanted to take the time to share with you our stories. We are going to dive into some serious, gritty relationship questions. And you’re going to hear our personal, and professional, positions when it comes to these issues. So, we thought it was pretty important to give you some background on who we are and how we came around to doing what we do today.

In this episode:

We try to answer the questions “Who are we?” “Why are we doing this?” and “Why should you trust us?” Let us know if you’re satisfied. 

Also, learn some details about our upbringings and personal pasts that we think really drove us to do what we are doing today

Leave comments and questions here and any ideas you may have for future shows.

If you have time, leave a comment and review for us on iTunes.

 

“Oh, that’s water under the bridge.” This is a statement some make who think you cannot change what has happened in the past. Is moving forward as simple as that? Hardly, but it is the approach some take when they don’t know what to do.

“Can we move past the past?” I am asked this question often in my work with couples. It’s complex. No easy answer here. In the end, it is really up to the people involved.

Can couples move past the past? The short answer is “yes”. I see it happen often. It requires a mutual effort. Not an easy task. Nonetheless, you must work at it together.

Most couples I know want to move past the past. It’s not an issue of “want to”, but “can do”. As you might imagine, I see a myriad of marital problems in couples counseling. Some marriages have complex problems. Therefore, some couples navigate their past more easily more easily than others.

Here’s three likely outcomes of dealing with the past.

* Couples remain hopelessly mired in the past together.

* Couples move past the past together.

* One person chooses to move past the past alone.

I wish I could say it is easy to move past the past. As you know, it’s not. But I can say it is worth it if you do. I see some couples end up with stronger relationships because they are forced to work harder and stop taking each other for granted. As painful as it may be working through the past, they are not defined by it. Instead, they collaborate on a new script for their marriage, something that is honest and caring.

If you are in a relationship that feels stuck by problems in your past let me offer 10 steps you can take to move past your past.

Step 1: Have the courage to face your past.

You cannot erase your past or bury it somewhere. It is a factual part of your history. If you try to suppress the past it will leak out in some other form. Feelings of hurt, betrayal, or resentment can manifest in unrelated areas.

Painful events in your history must be confronted if you want to move forward. It requires courage by both of you to do this. Your outlook on your marriage can improve as you work on this together.

Step 2: Own your part of the past.

Ownership is a critical component in resolving issues in the past. You must accept personal responsibility for your actions without blaming others. Not only this, but you need to articulate how your action(s) specifically hurt your spouse.

Step 3: Seek to understand the extent of harm from the perspective of your mate.

Here is where the relationship has the greatest potential of surviving the past. When the person whose actions inflicted harm treats the wound carefully. It’s not as simple as putting a bandaid over it. You have to ask questions of a physician. “Can you tell me where it hurts the most? To what degree is your pain?” The answers may be hard for you to hear, but you cannot follow the rest of the steps without this important information. Empathy for your spouse is critical at this juncture.

Step 4: Repair the wound to the best of your ability.

A simple “I’m sorry” statement is not enough. A confession includes being able to state an awareness of the extent of harm your actions caused. Healing is contingent upon your ability to address the problem from the perspective of your mate. In other words, your spouse needs to feel a sense of true remorse. Here is my 5 step plan to repair harm.

* Admit you are at fault.

* Accept responsibility for your actions without blaming others.

* Acknowledge how your actions specifically hurt your spouse.

* Ask for forgiveness.

* Agree that you will work on changing the behavior that caused harm.

Step 5: Allow time to heal the pain.

Wounds properly treated heal over time.

Welcome to All About We, a podcast about relationships, what complicates them and what makes them successful with, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Relationship Coach Don Olund and Communication Expert and Self-Improvement Devotee Amanda Berlin.

This episode, we’re diving into expectations, and why, maybe, you should consider lowering yours.

A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, “Should Spouses Be Expecting Less From Marriage?” shows that the key to not being disappointed in your relationship could be lowering your expectations, and communicating clearly about what you really need and want.

In this episode, we talk about:

Relationship perceptions and stereotypes you should leave at the door to avoid having too-high expectations

How to articulate your expectations so your spouse can hear them (and not zone out or get defensive) and act accordingly

How to really stand behind your wants, needs and desires, and why SELF-respect is essential in this process

Tell us what you think. We’d love to hear what you have to say. And please tell us what topics you’d like to hear us cover in the future. Finally, leave a comment or review in iTunes. We’d be ever-so-grateful!