A few years ago Marian and I decided to remodel our kitchen. We chose to do a complete demolition down to the studs and rebuild with upgraded materials, appliances, and furnishings.

To chronicle the project we took “before and after” pictures. Comparing the photos highlighted the dramatic transformation. Needless to say it was well worth the time, energy, and investment to have something we truly enjoy!

Marriages need updating. Do you know what I mean? Keeping the same look and feel without modification, can look old and outdated–as if you took a careless approach to life together.

Often couples come to see me immediately after the exposure of an affair. As I listen to them share the heartbreaking story, I ponder two questions, “What did the marriage look like before the affair?” and “What will it look like after?” Like my kitchen, I wonder if they need a complete overhaul to the studs. Or is this a wakeup call for some updating.

No doubt, infidelity can wreck a marriage, damage kids, and affect extended family and friends who care about you. It is not a pleasant moment to witness the involved partner look into the eyes of the injured partner who has been crushed by the confession of an affair. My hope is that I can help them walk through a process of recovery that will not only heal the current pain but give the relationship a new look, one better than the “before picture”.

7 Common Factors That Increase the Risk of an Affair

Over the next two weeks I will give you a look at marriages “before the affair” and “after the affair”.  First, let’s start with 7 common factors that increase the risk of an affair. I will follow with 5 affair-proofing strategies.

#1: Lack of attention to your relationship

Couples who move marriage to the back-burner to focus on kids, work, and household responsibilities neglect the key health component in the family–their marriage. Consequently, their “couple identity” connected around fun, adventure, and romance slowly evaporates.

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#2: Over-Involvement in kids, work, household tasks, etc…

For a variety of reasons I will not address here, couples today over invest in kids, work, and the pursuit of the American Dream. They are trying to create the idyllic picture of a beautiful home and well-bred children. To achieve this they move at a speed that outpaces Superman! From dawn to dusk, couples expend energy in these tasks to the exclusion of the marriage. Which leads to the next risk factor.

#3: Marital drift

When marital needs are neglected, a slow imperceptible drift begins. A spouse may alert the other of concerns about the marriage, but nothing serious is done to address it. Over time, as the intimacy needs in the marriage go unmet, vulnerability exists for one or both partners to seek intimacy elsewhere.

#4: Poor communication and conflict resolution patterns

Communication ranks high in the area couples report as a cause for marital dissatisfaction. Lacking the ability to resolve conflicts, many couples stockpile them for ammunition in future arguments. To cope, these couples often go into a “cold war”, not talking for hours or days until they are ready to reengage the relationship. Some stop talking about important subjects just to avoid an argument.

#5: Marrying for the wrong reasons

Some people marry before they are ready for it. They have not figured themselves out and are compensating by getting married. Others, give up a part of themselves in order to make the marriage work. Later, they feel something is missing.