I asked my friend and mentor, Steve Warner to be a guest writer on my blog. He published a book called Mile 2: 31 Extra mile secrets for an extraordinary life. You can also listen to our interview with him in the All About We Podcast above. Steve shares insights on how to go the second mile in marriage. Enjoy the sage advice of my good friend.

Recently I wrote a book entitled “Mile 2: 31 Extra Mile Secrets for An Extraordinary Life”. The foundational principle is that no one is born as an extra miler. We all emerge from the womb with similar attitudes – and none of them particularly altruistic. We want what we want when we want it. We are forceful, demanding, and egocentric.

It doesn’t matter that mom and dad want to sleep! Babies want to be served, not serve. “Get up and take care of me, now!” they seem to scream!

This is normal, at least during infancy and early childhood. Babies and toddlers cannot fend for themselves. Understandably, they need special care. The problem emerges when, with increasing maturity, a person still has the attitude “it’s all about me”. Such a person is a bona fide, card-carrying, stuck-in-the-mud “one miler”.

However, some people make an amazing discovery somewhere along the line. They realize that in the years since they were kicking the slats out of the cradle their philosophy of life has changed! It isn’t any longer about them, but about others. The goal is no longer to walk one uneventful mile, but to go the Extra Mile.

What does an Extra Miler look like?

Well, they come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. They are distinguished by their actions, not by appearance. Simply stated, Extra Milers go over and beyond, anticipate needs, are generous and caring, cheerful, compassionate, and grateful. They don’t wait to be served – they serve. They don’t need the carrot or the stick to get moving. They are fueled by an inner dynamo, fueled by kindness as its own reward.

[Tweet “Simply stated, Extra Milers go over and beyond, anticipate needs, are generous and caring, cheerful, compassionate, and grateful. “]

What does going the second mile look like in a marriage?

Most parents are pretty good at going the Second Mile for their children. Rides to soccer practice, money for school, trips to the emergency room – no problem. That’s why moms and dads on the earth, right? But many of these acts of service for our offspring are done at the expense of becoming one milers within the very marriages that produced the children!

Which brings us full circle back to this statement: “The best thing parents can do for their kids is to love and respect their child’s father or mother.”

My wife and I have been married for 48 years. We have four grown children and seven grandchildren. Frankly, there were times as the kids were growing up when we had to remind one another of our first priority – us. We didn’t want to raise a great tribe at the expense of our own relationship. So, while going the Extra Mile for our children (and now our grandchildren), we insisted on going the 2nd Mile for each other. What did that look like?

It included…

* Setting aside time to talk to each other – to listen ...

Now it’s Your Turn

What are you doing to maintain a level of trust in your relationship? If you broke it, what are you willing to do next to rebuild it?

“Can we have a talk? I want to share something with you that may make you angry and I am asking that you listen and try not to overreact.”

Marian’s tone was respectful and disarming. I agreed and listened.

She was right. I was angry. But, I kept it under control and tried to understand her rationale.

I wasn’t on board but I didn’t own the decision. She did.

Marian suspected that her decision albeit non-criminal to our marriage, might trigger an insecurity within me. She was right. It did.

I had a choice. Put pressure on her to change her decision. Or, put pressure on myself to confront my insecurity.

Over the next 24 hours as we discussed the issue, I vacillated between getting her to reconsider and getting my courage to face my fear.

I had a choice. Put pressure on her to change her decision. Or, put pressure on myself to confront my insecurity.

I told her that I don’t own the decision and that if this is what she wanted to do I have to accept it. Marian saw how much anguish I was in and decided not to go forward with her decision. She did it in a very compassion manner.

Afterward, I felt a mixture of relief and guilt. The guilt troubled me. I felt like I had manipulated her with my insecurity.

I also felt like a hypocrite. In my work with clients I talk to them about the importance of disarming our insecurities by confronting them. After some thought I approached Marian and said, “Can we talk?”

I told Marian that I want her to stick to her original decision and that I would support her. I also told her that I trust her. As far as my insecurity is concerned, I said that I needed to own it, confront it, and not be ruled by it.

Marian reacted in a most gracious manner. She thanked me and later told me that she feels so much closer to me because I trust her character.

Since that conversation, I have felt a surge of confidence and the insecurity is shrinking.

Had I chosen to emotionally manipulate my wife into changing her decision it would likely hurt our marriage. Inwardly Marian could have felt hurt or disappointed that I didn’t trust her or have confidence in her decision. I would have also reinforced the power of the insecurity by caving in to it.

Sometimes relationships struggle when the activation of insecurities form a negative pattern of mistrust. It is especially troubling when a partner lives under the scrutiny of another unjustifiably. Their actions are innocent yet they are judged untrustworthy.

Patterns like this are spawned from insecurities formed by early childhood wounds.

You can prevent your insecurity from hurting your marriage by following these 3 action steps

Own your insecurity instead of it owning you

This is an issue of control. Do I control my life? Or, does my insecurity control my life–and relationships?

Do you know your insecurities? Or do you deny you have any? If you know them you are one step closer to owning them. On the other hand, if you deny them, they own you–period.

People owned by insecurity live in fear and mistrust. They control other’s behavior to avoid being triggered.

Owning includes:

* identifying insecurity

* working on controlling it

Purpose to not manipulate others with your insecurity

The easiest way to deal with an insecurity is to avoid it. However, this gives it more power to control your life.

You in turn will likely control others by getting them to act in a manner that appeases you.  But it does not consider their interests or needs. This is selfish and inconsiderate behavior.

If you care about your spouse you want to consider her/his interests.

How to help your kid survive a bullying culture

Let’s take a look at some things you can do to prepare your kid to thrive in school and handle situations when confronted by bullying behavior.

Create a safe and respectful culture at home

Does your home contain a bully toxin? Do you tolerate bully behavior? Here are two areas to examine in your home:

Marriage interaction

Sibling behavior

Modeling, teaching, and coaching respectful behavior is paramount to surviving a bully culture. Often bullies in social settings act out what is exhibited in the home.

If your home is not a safe zone you need to address this problem otherwise you teach your kids that bullying is normal behavior that one either tolerates or exhibits without consequence.

Build your kid’s self-confidence by promoting healthy social behavior

Teach them basics of healthy social behavior: friendliness, kindness, sharing, supporting, loyalty

Teach them the basics of social boundaries:

respecting yourself – setting boundaries

Being assertive when others push on or cross personal boundaries

treating others with respect – honoring boundaries

Repairing offenses

Choosing friends who respect boundaries too

Monitor your kid’s acclamation to the school environment

Pay attention to their mood and behavior when they come home from school. Notice any change over time? Pay attention to patterns:

Moodiness

Withdrawn

Irritability

Isolation

Acting out on others

Physical signs – bruises, marks, cuts, etc…

Step in and begin a dialogue with your kid

Be calm and do not over-react. Keep your emotions in check. Speak with a tone of curiosity not inquisition. Describe the pattern you’re observing and do a check-in about adjustment to school.

You want to convey:

A non-threatening, non-judgmental, nor over-reactive posture

An intent to understand

Not take matters into your own hands, but work as a team to solve the problem

As they open up to disclose the bully behavior they are experiencing do the following:

Remain calm, keep emotions in check, and listen

Convey and understanding and validate emotions

Ask curiosity questions to get as much detail as possible (you want to document the incident(s))

Reassure them they did the right thing disclosing the bullying and that you are proud of their courage

Collaborate with your kid on problem-solving solutions to deal with the bullying behavior

Promote and reinforce concepts of self-respect and setting boundaries that ensure well-being and safety.

Help them understand in an age-appropriate manner the basic elements of power being displayed.

Bully power is about control.

Respectful power is about co-existing.

Reinforce the importance of not giving away power to someone trying to control you.

Discuss ways your kid can express respectful power by using an assertive voice to confront bully behavior.

Disarming the power responses. (See quick scripts below)

Confident eye contact with the bully.

Holding your position.

Walking away.

Consider the power of a friend to silently stand by your kid’s side when they confront a bully.

If pattern continues involve teachers or other school administrators.

Encourage your child to talk to the teacher

Have a meeting with the teacher

Inquire about the school bullying policy

Support groups, school campaigns, etc..

School social worker

Discover what your state’s policy and laws state...

Raising a responsible teenager is a parent’s dream. Living with an irresponsible teen is a parent’s nightmare! The task of raising teens today is challenging for some and frightening for others.  

Cyber-culture youth are exposed to multiple streams of information that shape identity and influence behavior. Media devices are often used to connect with peers and disconnect from family.  

Worried parents often wonder, “How do I stay connected with my disconnected teen?”

To answer that question, let’s begin by looking at what’s going on during adolescence. It boils down to one word: change. Here are 3 types you can expect.

PHYSICAL CHANGES

Teens undergo significant and rapid change during puberty.  Physical and hormonal change seem to happen overnight.  In addition to the physical transformation is the emergence of a sexual identity.

IDENTITY CHANGES

So, not only is the teen body in a state of flux, the identity is too! Throughout adolescence teens try on different “identity hats” to see what fits.  Watch this process unfold by observing them experiment with different clothes styles, hair styles, music tastes, peer groups, etc…  

Independence is a teen mantra. Don’t be too alarmed when they question your rules or challenge your authority. You may even notice changes in your relationship. It may feel like they are pulling away from you. Actually, this is a normal process in identity formation.

SOCIAL CHANGES

Finally, another unsettling change you may notice in your teen is a shift to peer identification.  Suddenly, they want to spend all their time with their friends.  At home you may find them on their cell phones or text messaging the friends they just left minutes ago! 

WARNING SIGNS INDICATING TOO MUCH CHANGE

Now, let’s examine the warning signs that indicate your teen may be pulling away too much.

* Isolating from family – If your teen spends an inordinate amount of time playing video games, watching TV, talking on the phone, or bunkered down in their bedroom, with very little interaction with family members, it signals a disconnect.

* Preoccupation with friends – If all their free time is spent connecting with friends and minimal interest in spending time with the family it’s a sign they are drifting.

* Academic or behavioral problems – Teens who pull away tend to show their opposition to their parents by doing poorly in school or by defying household rules.

* Risk-taking behavior – Finally, if you notice a pattern of risk-taking behavior such as drug and/or alcohol use, staying out all night, or other signs of poor impulse control, you have a problem on your hands.  If a teen is out-of-control, it is important for parents to take control of the situation.

Now, let’s get some answers to the initial question–“How do I stay connected to my teen?”

SPEND TIME TOGETHER ONE-ON-ONE ON A REGULAR BASIS

Your job is to dismantle the wall of disconnect between the two of you. To reduce tension and increasing connection, start with simple activities.

Establish a regular routine of spending an hour or more together

Go to breakfast, etc…

Disconnect from devices and make it your goal to have fun

SPEND SOME TIME IN THEIR WORLD

Listen to their music with them.  Go to a movie of their choice.  Play a video game with them.  A little time in their world gives you a window to observe what influences their thinking, what interests them.  It will open the door to interesting dialog.  Isn’t that a form of connection?

START WITH LISTENING

Your kids can quote your speeches.  They’ve heard them a thousand times.  Yet, you do not get the change you’re expecting.  Exhausted yet?  Try doing some listening.

One night last week before I was about to go to bed, the 2016 comedy Bad Moms was on TV. Five minutes into the movie I was hooked. It addresses pressure many mothers feel being “all things to all people”.

The central character Amy, a wife, mother of two, and career person, lives in a Chicago suburb. In her harried life she moves through her day trying to meet the needs of everyone in her life, except herself.

Struggling with chronic guilt, she defines her greatest achievement is “being late all time”.

As you watch Amy frantically attend to daily demands it is apparent she is reaching a breaking point. The coup de grace in Amy’s inevitable meltdown is the high school PTA president, Gwendolyn. She sets the “perfect mom” standard, all women privately despise, but publicly aspire to.

Tired of working so hard to achieve perfection with no support or gratitude, and exhausted by judgment and guilt, Amy checks out. Along with her two new friends Kiki and Carla, they join forces to fight the stereotype of “super mom” by becoming “bad moms”.

During their revolt, the characters go a bit extreme in their behavior, but the movie does drive home some important lessons. I don’t advocate you go extreme, but I do recommend you consider another way to look at your role as a mom.

I extracted some important messages from the movie.  So, here are my 6 reasons why bad moms are the best moms.

#1: Bad moms don’t set unreachable bars for themselves or their kids

Supermoms feel compelled to excel at everything in their role. They think their duty is to expose their kids to multiple outlets that set them up for success in life.

Consequently, they over-monitor:

Academics

Activities

Health – food, exercise, rest

Social life – friends, play dates, social circles, etc…

Failure to clear the bar is unacceptable. Supermoms put pressure on themselves and their kids. They have a tendency to “should all over themselves”. “I should do this…” “I should’ve done that…”

Bad moms set realistic bars for themselves and their kids. They strive for growth, not perfection. Pressure is appropriate to the situation. They are not interested in seeking approval from others, therefore they do family life their way.

#2: Bad moms don’t overreact to mistakes

A key moment in the movie is when a self-unmasking occurs among moms in a PTA meeting. Tired of hiding shortcomings, one-by-one, women talk about their struggles and mistakes.

Bad moms are the best because they are authentic. They don’t mind owning their mistakes and create an environment for their kids to do the same. It’s a “no shame zone”. By owning they can work on changing their behavior to something that works better.

#3: Bad moms do selfish things for good reasons

Supermoms consider it selfish to do things for themselves. It’s alway about putting their family first.

Bad moms understand that taking time for themselves makes them better. Mothers deserve a break to recharge their batteries, have fun, and take off the parent hat for a few hours.

#4: Bad moms don’t judge, they support

Supermoms judge. Bad moms support. That’s why they are the best. They are open with their own struggles. Nor are they inclined to judge others. Instead, they show support.

#5: Bad moms let their kids grow by doing some things for themselves

When Amy stepped back in some areas, her indulgent kids had to step up and do things on their own. Her son learn how to cook a frittata and made breakfast for the family.

Bad moms are the best moms because they foster age-appropriate responsibilities in their children.

#6: Bad moms spend quality time with their kids

In one scene,

Addiction is a disease that breaks hearts. It has a profound adverse effect on everyone. Spouses, children, extended family, and friends, suffer heartbreak.

Addiction damages and in some cases destroys relationships. Feeling utterly powerless while watching someone you care about self-destruct is painful.

Addiction  is one of the most difficult relationship patterns to treat in couples or family therapy. Relapse is a constant threat. When relapse occurs, it can wipe away any progress made in relationship recovery.

[Tweet “Addiction damages and in some cases destroys relationships. “]

The most troubling aspect of addiction is that it breaks hearts. Here is a sample of heartbreak that some people report:

* anguish

* fear

* betrayal

* sadness

* powerlessness

* hopelessness

You cannot change the heart of an addicted person. But what can you do about your heart? You can guard it from being destroyed by collateral damage.

“Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

Here are 5 things to do to protect your heart from being permanently broken.

#1: A broken heart needs treatment

Often we focus on the addicted person needing treatment. Support here is limited. What often gets neglected is the person or people who are directly affected by the presence of the addiction in the home.

You need support–and if you have children include them too! Family members often fake feeling good. Behind the mask are painful feelings. Masks have to come off in order to treat the heart.

So, what’s next?

#2: Establish a trusted support system for yourself

Addiction survives in secrecy. You cannot afford to keep silent. Neither can you go through this alone. It will take some courage, but you will feel much better when you open up to others for help.

Establish a small group of trusted people you can rely upon for support.

* key family members

* trusted friends

* support group like Al-Anon or Al-Ateen

* spiritual leader

* counselor

#3: Become a student of addiction

Learning about addiction will have a profound effect on how you deal with it in your family. Becoming a student will help you understand the nature of the disease and the effect it has on the person. The addicted suffer in ways we cannot fathom. 

You will also learn how it affects family members. This information will provide an accurate lens to deal with the problem.

Read books. Do research. Join social media support communities.

#4: Clarify your boundaries around addiction

Family members often struggle feeling responsible for the addiction. To compensate they work harder to control it in their loved-one. 

Remind yourself of these three realities:

* I did not cause it.

* Nor can I control it.

* I cannot fix it.

Clarify who you are responsible for:

* I am responsible to protect my heart.

* I am responsible to protect my kids.

When addiction manifests enact boundaries with the person so that you and your kids are protected.

#5: Live within your limits around addiction

Repeated cycles do severe damage to the heart of loved ones. To combat relapse, hyper-vigilance governs the relationship. Power struggles intensify. Walls of resentment build higher and wider with each episode. Broken hearts become cold, then callous.

The effect on children can become severe resulting in mental health and/or behavioral problems, low self-esteem, self-identity, and/or poor psycho-social development.

Now it’s your turn

What can you plan to do this week to go organic and connect?

If you want to get good at setting boundaries you’ve come to the right place. In my previous blog I highlighted 4 benefits you can expect by setting boundaries. Here I’m going to give you 4 simple steps to do it. Let’s check out the first one.

#1: Listen to your gut

This is slightly different than “go with your gut”. It’s a bit slower and keeps you from acting impulsively. Your gut alerts you that something does sit right with you. 

Listen to what your gut is saying. Your gut activates your boundary system.

Check it out. Answer the question: What am I feeling?

It feels like…

an intrusion of my personal space

an imposition of my time

an expectation is being placed on me that only accepts “yes” for an answer

I’m being told what to do

I’m expected to just go along

my voice is not being heard, considered

guilt. If I say “no” I will disappoint others.

fear. I don’t want people to be mad at me or stop liking me.

So if your gut is alerting you something is not right about the situation then you want to think it through before you act. Here’s your next step.

#2: Move to your center

Your center is that internal quite place where you can listen to yourself. The purpose here is to silence the chatter in your head.  Moving to the center gives you time to slow down your thoughts and emotions. Furthermore, it allows you to process your gut reaction more thoroughly.

You can decide for yourself:

Is the expectation from other doable? Yes/no

Does the expectation interfere with my plans?

Does it cross a personal, moral, sexual, etc… boundary?

Does it feel intrusive, or insensitive to my needs?

By moving to center and processing thoughts and feelings you are more likely to make a decision that honors your boundaries.

Operating from center, feelings of guilt, fear or insecurity are more easily managed. Decisions are more likely to be thoughtful and responsive, than emotional and impulsive.

#3: Use your active voice

A passive voice is weak and submissive.

An active voice is strong and respectful. It combines the ability to respectfully validate others intentions while holding your position on a matter.

Here are a few examples of how an active voice sounds.

“I can see you are in a jam here and I wish I could help but I have a prior commitment.”

“I am attracted to you too, and perhaps we could be a good match, but I’m not ready for a romantic relationship at this time.”

“I get that you’re angry and I want to work this out with you, but in order to do this it would help if you to lower your voice.”

#4: Contain the story about your decision

When you first begin setting boundaries you may hear some chatter in your head. “Maybe I did the wrong thing. What if the person stays mad at me? Am I being selfish?”

It’s important that you contain the story in your head. Stop catastrophizing the outcome. It’s not the end of the world. Don’t allow false guilt to rule your mind. Neither should you ruminate in worry about potentially damaging a relationship.

Which leads me to a second area of containment. The story in your head about what’s being reported out there.

Most people will respect your decision and adjust accordingly. A few might take offense. Base the rightness of your decision on what you think, not others.

Never forget this. You own the story of your life. Don’t allow others to control the narrative. For that matter,