All About We

By All About WeEducation Self-Improvement

All About We episodes

October 22, 2017The Power of an Extra-Mile Marriage
I asked my friend and mentor, Steve Warner to be a guest writer on my blog. He published a book called Mile 2: 31 Extra mile secrets for an extraordinary life. You can also listen to our interview with him in the All About We Podcast above. Steve shares insights on how to go the second mile in marriage. Enjoy the sage advice of my good friend.
Recently I wrote a book entitled “Mile 2: 31 Extra Mile Secrets for An Extraordinary Life”. The foundational principle is that no one is born as an extra miler. We all emerge from the womb with similar attitudes – and none of them particularly altruistic. We want what we want when we want it. We are forceful, demanding, and egocentric.
It doesn’t matter that mom and dad want to sleep! Babies want to be served, not serve. “Get up and take care of me, now!” they seem to scream!
This is normal, at least during infancy and early childhood. Babies and toddlers cannot fend for themselves. Understandably, they need special care. The problem emerges when, with increasing maturity, a person still has the attitude “it’s all about me”. Such a person is a bona fide, card-carrying, stuck-in-the-mud “one miler”.
However, some people make an amazing discovery somewhere along the line. They realize that in the years since they were kicking the slats out of the cradle their philosophy of life has changed! It isn’t any longer about them, but about others. The goal is no longer to walk one uneventful mile, but to go the Extra Mile.
What does an Extra Miler look like?
Well, they come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. They are distinguished by their actions, not by appearance. Simply stated, Extra Milers go over and beyond, anticipate needs, are generous and caring, cheerful, compassionate, and grateful. They don’t wait to be served – they serve. They don’t need the carrot or the stick to get moving. They are fueled by an inner dynamo, fueled by kindness as its own reward.
[Tweet “Simply stated, Extra Milers go over and beyond, anticipate needs, are generous and caring, cheerful, compassionate, and grateful. “]
What does going the second mile look like in a marriage?
Most parents are pretty good at going the Second Mile for their children. Rides to soccer practice, money for school, trips to the emergency room – no problem. That’s why moms and dads on the earth, right? But many of these acts of service for our offspring are done at the expense of becoming one milers within the very marriages that produced the children!
Which brings us full circle back to this statement: “The best thing parents can do for their kids is to love and respect their child’s father or mother.”
My wife and I have been married for 48 years. We have four grown children and seven grandchildren. Frankly, there were times as the kids were growing up when we had to remind one another of our first priority – us. We didn’t want to raise a great tribe at the expense of our own relationship. So, while going the Extra Mile for our children (and now our grandchildren), we insisted on going the 2nd Mile for each other. What did that look like?
It included…
Setting aside time to talk to each other – to listen – with eye contact.

Identifying each other’s love languages – and acting upon that knowledge.

Helping each other when sick, under pressure, or when a bit discouraged.

Engaging in mutually loved sports – such as kayaking, biking, and hiking.
A few Christmases ago we realized that we were rushing through the holidays. While we cherished the Christmas season, we also both serve as pastors at a busy church. So, making the holidays enjoyable for others, while commendable, caused us to act like one milers toward each other. We were often rushed, cranky, and a bit resentful. That’s when we decided to have our own “Twelve days of Christmas”. Here’s how it works…
The 25th of every month is circled in red. The day before the 25th I pull out our only monthly decoration, a “Christmas penguin” appropriately named Mary Christmas. At each monthly Christmas celebration, we play carols, exchange small gifts, have a special meal, like candles, sing carols, and read the Christmas story. In this way, we put God and each other first. Sometimes we invite others to join us for the celebration. It has become a staple on our monthly agenda. In this way, if days leading up to December 25 are hectic, we still had – and will still have – Christmas eleven more times scattered throughout the year!
Finally, in an Extra Mile marriage is important to accept one another.
We can’t force others to go over and beyond. A 2nd Mile that is enforced gives credence to the old saying: “Discipline without desire leads to drudgery.” Going over and beyond is only fun and real when it comes from the heart. My job is to monitor myself – and my wife’s assignment is to do the same in reference to herself. In sum, the above is one example of how the Extra Mile can be fleshed out within a marriage.
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46 min
September 10, 2017What Happens When Trust is Broken in Your Relationship
From the start you feel really good about this relationship. Your new found love checks all the boxes.
Attraction
Compatibility on values, morals, spirituality, lifestyle, etc…
Emotional connection
Romantic
Adventurous
Independent
Health minded
Financially responsible
Stable family background
Wants kids
So you decide to go to the next level. You enter a monogamous relationship. Perhaps you marry or move in together. Either way, you feel really good about sharing your life with this other person.
Things are going real well. Sure, you have your occasional argument but you work through it. The love is still there and you’re building a dream life together.
But then your heart is broken. For some it is a major event like some form of betrayal. While in other cases it is a series of disappointments in your spouse that question their reliability to honor a promise or keep their word.
Trust in your mate’s willingness to care for your needs is suspect. Maybe even broken.
It begs the question, “What happens when trust is broken?”
Before I answer this, let’s define the term in a couple relationship.
What is trust in a couple relationship?
Trust is a sacred exchange between two people devoted to care for each other.
Includes the following:
Belief in the honesty and reliability of the other person
Confidence in the other person’s ability to show up in the relationship
Certainty in the person based on a congruent pattern – their actions and words match
Trust is a belief in the benevolent character of the other person. Knowing their intent is to do good and avoid doing harm.
In a committed relationship a couple forms a bond based on love and trust.
We are in love with each other
We are going to do life together
We establish a monogamous relationship
We promise to do good and avoid doing harm to each other
We open up and share our hearts with each other
We protect each other’s heart
When couples establish a relationship at this level of trust there is a deep sense of security in their bond.
What happens when trust is broken?
Based on what happened to violate trust the damage may be minor or catastrophic. The epicenter of casualty is the couple bond. Mistrust forms. Love feels vulnerable to more hurt.
Distance forms between the couple as a safety measure against further harm. Freedom to express love or be vulnerable feels unsafe.
Mistrust forms an anxious bond in the relationship. Communication breakdown and conflict patterns increase. Health and viability of the relationship is at risk.
None of this sounds good, does it?
So, now let’s get to the question…
Can a relationship recover from broken trust?
The short answer is “yes”. However, getting there is challenging and complicated. Let me explain.
Depending on the level of damage, recovery is hard work over a period of time. In previous blogs and in my book, I describe a formula for rebuilding trust: Trust = behavior/time.
Recovery from catastrophic damage is difficult but possible. This requires long hard work. It takes both individuals working together to recover. Sometimes one partner is unwilling or too broken by the harm to work on it.
Rebuilding trust requires a mutual effort. Each person has a role in the rebuilding process.
Couples who go through the arduous process of rebuilding trust often have stronger relationships. I see this often in my work.
In the fall, I will be launching a membership site called The University of We. In the videos and workbook I walk you through the process of rebuilding trust. Click here if you want to get on the notification list for the launch of UofWe.
Now it’s Your Turn
What are you doing to maintain a level of trust in your relationship? If you broke it, what are you willing to do next to rebuild it?
37 min
September 02, 2017How to Prevent Your Insecurity From Hurting Your Relationship
“Can we have a talk? I want to share something with you that may make you angry and I am asking that you listen and try not to overreact.”
Marian’s tone was respectful and disarming. I agreed and listened.
She was right. I was angry. But, I kept it under control and tried to understand her rationale.
I wasn’t on board but I didn’t own the decision. She did.
If you want to know more details about the conversation and what I had to deal with check out the All About We Podcast episode. Just click the play button above.
Marian suspected that her decision albeit non-criminal to our marriage, might trigger an insecurity within me. She was right. It did.
I had a choice. Put pressure on her to change her decision. Or, put pressure on myself to confront my insecurity.
Over the next 24 hours as we discussed the issue, I vacillated between getting her to reconsider and getting my courage to face my fear.
I had a choice. Put pressure on her to change her decision. Or, put pressure on myself to confront my insecurity.
I told her that I don’t own the decision and that if this is what she wanted to do I have to accept it. Marian saw how much anguish I was in and decided not to go forward with her decision. She did it in a very compassion manner.
Afterward, I felt a mixture of relief and guilt. The guilt troubled me. I felt like I had manipulated her with my insecurity.
I also felt like a hypocrite. In my work with clients I talk to them about the importance of disarming our insecurities by confronting them. After some thought I approached Marian and said, “Can we talk?”
I told Marian that I want her to stick to her original decision and that I would support her. I also told her that I trust her. As far as my insecurity is concerned, I said that I needed to own it, confront it, and not be ruled by it.
Marian reacted in a most gracious manner. She thanked me and later told me that she feels so much closer to me because I trust her character.
Since that conversation, I have felt a surge of confidence and the insecurity is shrinking.
Had I chosen to emotionally manipulate my wife into changing her decision it would likely hurt our marriage. Inwardly Marian could have felt hurt or disappointed that I didn’t trust her or have confidence in her decision. I would have also reinforced the power of the insecurity by caving in to it.
Sometimes relationships struggle when the activation of insecurities form a negative pattern of mistrust. It is especially troubling when a partner lives under the scrutiny of another unjustifiably. Their actions are innocent yet they are judged untrustworthy.
Patterns like this are spawned from insecurities formed by early childhood wounds.
You can prevent your insecurity from hurting your marriage by following these 3 action steps
Own your insecurity instead of it owning you
This is an issue of control. Do I control my life? Or, does my insecurity control my life–and relationships?
Do you know your insecurities? Or do you deny you have any? If you know them you are one step closer to owning them. On the other hand, if you deny them, they own you–period.
People owned by insecurity live in fear and mistrust. They control other’s behavior to avoid being triggered.
Owning includes:
identifying insecurity

working on controlling it
Purpose to not manipulate others with your insecurity
The easiest way to deal with an insecurity is to avoid it. However, this gives it more power to control your life.
You in turn will likely control others by getting them to act in a manner that appeases you. But it does not consider their interests or needs. This is selfish and inconsiderate behavior.
If you care about your spouse you want to consider her/his interests. If it triggers your insecurity you have a choice:
Manipulate my partner

Manage my insecurity
Being purposeful not to manipulate your spouse will point you in the direction of dealing with your insecurity. Confronting fear, mistrust or other unpleasant emotions is not easy. However, if you are going to own your insecurity and diminish its power in your life you have to confront it.
Confront your insecurity when it reels it’s ugly head
Emotions that surface from insecurities are often irrational. Irrational fear, mistrust, rejection, or abandonment are examples. In the moment they feel real.
Projecting mistrust on a partner who has not done anything to justify the feeling is harmful to the relationship. The partner always feels like she/he is on the hot seat.
In order to break this pattern, the person has to turn attention off their spouse and on to their insecurity. Confront it when it reels it’s ugly head.
You can say something like this:
“My spouse is not the problem. My fear about being hurt is the problem.”
By owning your insecurity, not manipulating your partner, and confronting your insecurity when it reels it’s ugly head, you will successfully diminish its control.
You will feel more confident, secure, and trusting of others. The negative pattern in your relationship will weaken and you will feel safe and close to each other.
Now it’s your turn
Everyone has insecurities. Do you know yours? What can you do to work on getting better control over it?
32 min
August 25, 2017How to Help Your Kid Survive a Bullying Culture
Have you ever been bullied? Me too. As I child I often experienced bullying behavior as a white kid in a community turning black. It was during the civil rights movement in the sixties. I was confused because we lived peaceably with our black neighbors.
Later as a teen, the first and only time in my life I was the bully. At the provocation of my friends, I hit a black kid in the back with a stick who was riding his bike in our white neighborhood. While my friends laughed, inwardly I felt ashamed.
I never acted the role of a bully again.
Bullying is a toxin in our society. No longer is it isolated to the playground. Forget the persona of the big kid at school with bigger problems at home who takes it out on others.
Today, bullies are everywhere. Here are few examples:
Institutions: academic, government, business,
School – 1 out 5 children experience bullying behavior
Workplace
Internet: cyber bullying
In families: abuse
Bullying is a social epidemic. Within the past year I watched 3 programs that depict the severity of this toxin. I highly recommend you watch these:
Little Big Lies
13 Reasons Why
Audrie & Daisy
Types of Bully Behavior
Kids in school are exposed to bullying 24/7. Bullies act alone or in groups. In a cyber culture it can infect the masses as kids align with power sectors in schools. If you want to fit in, mock the latest target of attack.
Bullying comes is various forms. Here are four common types.
Verbal
Physical
Social/Emotional
Cyber
Impact of bully behavior on kids and teens
Bullying has a profound negative effect on child and adolescent development. Here are 7 areas it can impact your kid:
Self-identity/self-esteem harm
Formation of mental health problems – anxiety, depression, panic disorder, PTSD, suicidality
Social development
Academic development
Health problems – chronic stress, somatic symptoms
School avoidance
Family disturbance

Check out the All About We Podcast on this topic. Click the play button at the beginning of this post.
How to help your kid survive a bullying culture
Let’s take a look at some things you can do to prepare your kid to thrive in school and handle situations when confronted by bullying behavior.
Create a safe and respectful culture at home
Does your home contain a bully toxin? Do you tolerate bully behavior? Here are two areas to examine in your home:
Marriage interaction

Sibling behavior
Modeling, teaching, and coaching respectful behavior is paramount to surviving a bully culture. Often bullies in social settings act out what is exhibited in the home.
If your home is not a safe zone you need to address this problem otherwise you teach your kids that bullying is normal behavior that one either tolerates or exhibits without consequence.
Build your kid’s self-confidence by promoting healthy social behavior
Teach them basics of healthy social behavior: friendliness, kindness, sharing, supporting, loyalty
Teach them the basics of social boundaries:
respecting yourself – setting boundaries

Being assertive when others push on or cross personal boundaries

treating others with respect – honoring boundaries

Repairing offenses

Choosing friends who respect boundaries too
Monitor your kid’s acclamation to the school environment
Pay attention to their mood and behavior when they come home from school. Notice any change over time? Pay attention to patterns:
Moodiness

Withdrawn

Irritability

Isolation

Acting out on others

Physical signs – bruises, marks, cuts, etc…
Step in and begin a dialogue with your kid
Be calm and do not over-react. Keep your emotions in check. Speak with a tone of curiosity not inquisition. Describe the pattern you’re observing and do a check-in about adjustment to school.
You want to convey:
A non-threatening, non-judgmental, nor over-reactive posture

An intent to understand

Not take matters into your own hands, but work as a team to solve the problem
As they open up to disclose the bully behavior they are experiencing do the following:
Remain calm, keep emotions in check, and listen

Convey and understanding and validate emotions

Ask curiosity questions to get as much detail as possible (you want to document the incident(s))

Reassure them they did the right thing disclosing the bullying and that you are proud of their courage
Collaborate with your kid on problem-solving solutions to deal with the bullying behavior
Promote and reinforce concepts of self-respect and setting boundaries that ensure well-being and safety.

Help them understand in an age-appropriate manner the basic elements of power being displayed.
Bully power is about control.

Respectful power is about co-existing.

Reinforce the importance of not giving away power to someone trying to control you.

Discuss ways your kid can express respectful power by using an assertive voice to confront bully behavior.
Disarming the power responses. (See quick scripts below)

Confident eye contact with the bully.

Holding your position.

Walking away.

Consider the power of a friend to silently stand by your kid’s side when they confront a bully.

If pattern continues involve teachers or other school administrators.
Encourage your child to talk to the teacher

Have a meeting with the teacher

Inquire about the school bullying policy

Support groups, school campaigns, etc..

School social worker

Discover what your state’s policy and laws state to protect people from bullying

Discuss options for choosing new friends or social groups to join.
Quick Scripts in Response to a Bully
“I don’t accept being treated this way. If it continues I won’t hang with you/play with you anymore.”
“Your words make you feel tough but they do not make me feel weak.”
“That’s your opinion. I don’t share it.”
Now it’s Your Turn
What to you do to equip your kids to survive a bully culture? After reading this blog, what steps do you want to take to help your kids live confidently and respectfully?
39 min
August 12, 2017How to Connect With a Disconnected Teen
Raising a responsible teenager is a parent’s dream. Living with an irresponsible teen is a parent’s nightmare! The task of raising teens today is challenging for some and frightening for others.
Cyber-culture youth are exposed to multiple streams of information that shape identity and influence behavior. Media devices are often used to connect with peers and disconnect from family.
Worried parents often wonder, “How do I stay connected with my disconnected teen?”
To answer that question, let’s begin by looking at what’s going on during adolescence. It boils down to one word: change. Here are 3 types you can expect.
PHYSICAL CHANGES
Teens undergo significant and rapid change during puberty. Physical and hormonal change seem to happen overnight. In addition to the physical transformation is the emergence of a sexual identity.
IDENTITY CHANGES
So, not only is the teen body in a state of flux, the identity is too! Throughout adolescence teens try on different “identity hats” to see what fits. Watch this process unfold by observing them experiment with different clothes styles, hair styles, music tastes, peer groups, etc…
Independence is a teen mantra. Don’t be too alarmed when they question your rules or challenge your authority. You may even notice changes in your relationship. It may feel like they are pulling away from you. Actually, this is a normal process in identity formation.
SOCIAL CHANGES
Finally, another unsettling change you may notice in your teen is a shift to peer identification. Suddenly, they want to spend all their time with their friends. At home you may find them on their cell phones or text messaging the friends they just left minutes ago!
WARNING SIGNS INDICATING TOO MUCH CHANGE
Now, let’s examine the warning signs that indicate your teen may be pulling away too much.
Isolating from family – If your teen spends an inordinate amount of time playing video games, watching TV, talking on the phone, or bunkered down in their bedroom, with very little interaction with family members, it signals a disconnect.

Preoccupation with friends – If all their free time is spent connecting with friends and minimal interest in spending time with the family it’s a sign they are drifting.

Academic or behavioral problems – Teens who pull away tend to show their opposition to their parents by doing poorly in school or by defying household rules.

Risk-taking behavior – Finally, if you notice a pattern of risk-taking behavior such as drug and/or alcohol use, staying out all night, or other signs of poor impulse control, you have a problem on your hands. If a teen is out-of-control, it is important for parents to take control of the situation.
Now, let’s get some answers to the initial question–“How do I stay connected to my teen?”
SPEND TIME TOGETHER ONE-ON-ONE ON A REGULAR BASIS
Your job is to dismantle the wall of disconnect between the two of you. To reduce tension and increasing connection, start with simple activities.
Establish a regular routine of spending an hour or more together

Go to breakfast, etc…

Disconnect from devices and make it your goal to have fun
SPEND SOME TIME IN THEIR WORLD
Listen to their music with them. Go to a movie of their choice. Play a video game with them. A little time in their world gives you a window to observe what influences their thinking, what interests them. It will open the door to interesting dialog. Isn’t that a form of connection?
START WITH LISTENING
Your kids can quote your speeches. They’ve heard them a thousand times. Yet, you do not get the change you’re expecting. Exhausted yet? Try doing some listening.
ASK CURIOSITY QUESTIONS
Notice I said “curiosity” not “interrogation”. Curiosity questions have a neutral tone of showing interest or concern. It’s about understanding what is happening from your teen’s point of view.
Curiosity questions require you to be open, not reactive or defensive. The key is to present yourself in a manner in which your teen will feel comfortable opening up to you. Here are a few examples of curiosity questions.
“Who’s your favorite artist right now?” “What do you like about their music?”

“I can see you are upset right now. Can you tell me what it’s about?”

“You’ve been distant lately. Is there a problem?”

“It seems like nothing is going your way lately. Care to talk about it?”
SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE YOU RESPOND
Basically, what this means is try to convey back to your teen what he/she is saying. Here’s an example.
“Sounds like you’re upset because your friend was being rude to you.”

“So you’re saying your distant because you think mom and I treat you like a child.”

“What you’re saying is, nothing is going the way you planned and you feel terrible.”
KEEP YOUR COOL IN YOUR RESPONSE
You may not like, nor agree with what you hear. That’s okay. What happens next is very important. Keep your cool. If you can’t then don’t say anything. Take a break. Address it once you calm down.
If you are calm, speak with respect. After you convey an understanding of where your teen is coming from, address the situation from your point of view. Give reasons to support your decision. They don’t have to like or agree with them, but they also need to understand you too.
One of the best ways to connect with your teen is to identify with their experience. Did you struggle in your friendships? Ever make mistakes and get into trouble? If so, it might be helpful to relate your own experiences.
“I remember having similar problems when I was your age. One time I…”
USE WORDS THAT INSTILL CONFIDENCE
Validate good behavior. Make statements that support your belief in your teen to be successful in life. Let them know you have confidence in their problem-solving skills and ability to figure things out.
BALANCE LOVE & LIMITS
An imbalance of one or the other is not good for parent-teen connection. Nor is it good for adolescent development. Teens don’t need parents do be a friend. Nor do they need them to be gestapo! Do not connect your love to their behavior. Love them unconditionally.
When you set limits, enforce them. Try making them last one day. Let every morning be a fresh start on improving behavior. Avoid grounding or taking away privileges for an extended period of time, unless of course the bad behavior warrants it.
STEP IN WHEN THEIR BEHAVIOR IS OUT OF CONTROL
If your teens behavior is alarming. If you see a pattern. By all means, step in. I tell teens, “If you don’t control your behavior, your parents will, and you probably won’t like the outcome.”
Teens with behavioral problems need intervention. This is a time for parents to step in and do whatever is necessary to get them back on track. Intervention may require the assistance of mental health professionals who are experts in helping families. Wise parents take advantage of the support counseling services provide.
Now it’s Your Turn
Teenagers want to connect with their parents even though they don’t show it. They’re looking to you to take the lead. Don’t react to the wall they put up. Teens want space but they don’t want to be disconnected from you either. So, what’s your next move?
50 min
August 05, 20176 Reasons Why Bad Moms are the Best Moms
One night last week before I was about to go to bed, the 2016 comedy Bad Moms was on TV. Five minutes into the movie I was hooked. It addresses pressure many mothers feel being “all things to all people”.
The central character Amy, a wife, mother of two, and career person, lives in a Chicago suburb. In her harried life she moves through her day trying to meet the needs of everyone in her life, except herself.
Struggling with chronic guilt, she defines her greatest achievement is “being late all time”.
As you watch Amy frantically attend to daily demands it is apparent she is reaching a breaking point. The coup de grace in Amy’s inevitable meltdown is the high school PTA president, Gwendolyn. She sets the “perfect mom” standard, all women privately despise, but publicly aspire to.
Tired of working so hard to achieve perfection with no support or gratitude, and exhausted by judgment and guilt, Amy checks out. Along with her two new friends Kiki and Carla, they join forces to fight the stereotype of “super mom” by becoming “bad moms”.
During their revolt, the characters go a bit extreme in their behavior, but the movie does drive home some important lessons. I don’t advocate you go extreme, but I do recommend you consider another way to look at your role as a mom.
I extracted some important messages from the movie. So, here are my 6 reasons why bad moms are the best moms.
#1: Bad moms don’t set unreachable bars for themselves or their kids
Supermoms feel compelled to excel at everything in their role. They think their duty is to expose their kids to multiple outlets that set them up for success in life.
Consequently, they over-monitor:
Academics

Activities

Health – food, exercise, rest

Social life – friends, play dates, social circles, etc…
Failure to clear the bar is unacceptable. Supermoms put pressure on themselves and their kids. They have a tendency to “should all over themselves”. “I should do this…” “I should’ve done that…”
Bad moms set realistic bars for themselves and their kids. They strive for growth, not perfection. Pressure is appropriate to the situation. They are not interested in seeking approval from others, therefore they do family life their way.
#2: Bad moms don’t overreact to mistakes
A key moment in the movie is when a self-unmasking occurs among moms in a PTA meeting. Tired of hiding shortcomings, one-by-one, women talk about their struggles and mistakes.
Bad moms are the best because they are authentic. They don’t mind owning their mistakes and create an environment for their kids to do the same. It’s a “no shame zone”. By owning they can work on changing their behavior to something that works better.
#3: Bad moms do selfish things for good reasons
Supermoms consider it selfish to do things for themselves. It’s alway about putting their family first.
Bad moms understand that taking time for themselves makes them better. Mothers deserve a break to recharge their batteries, have fun, and take off the parent hat for a few hours.
#4: Bad moms don’t judge, they support
Supermoms judge. Bad moms support. That’s why they are the best. They are open with their own struggles. Nor are they inclined to judge others. Instead, they show support.
#5: Bad moms let their kids grow by doing some things for themselves
When Amy stepped back in some areas, her indulgent kids had to step up and do things on their own. Her son learn how to cook a frittata and made breakfast for the family.
Bad moms are the best moms because they foster age-appropriate responsibilities in their children.
#6: Bad moms spend quality time with their kids
In one scene, Amy takes her stressed out daughter for a spa day. Supermoms might consider this a waste of time that could have been spent on a developmental task. Not Amy. She knew her daughter needed a break and do something to de-stress. Her mom provided an outlet they could do together without the distraction of people or devices.
The big lesson
Stop killing yourself by trying to be supermom. It’s unrealistic. You are not in a competition. Set your own expectations. If it’s bad to make mistakes, take time for yourself, support others, or let your kids be kids, then that’s a good thing. Perhaps it’s the best thing a bad mom can do.
32 min
July 22, 2017Help For the Heartbroken Over A Loved One’s Addiction
Addiction is a disease that breaks hearts. It has a profound adverse effect on everyone. Spouses, children, extended family, and friends, suffer heartbreak.
Addiction damages and in some cases destroys relationships. Feeling utterly powerless while watching someone you care about self-destruct is painful.
Addiction is one of the most difficult relationship patterns to treat in couples or family therapy. Relapse is a constant threat. When relapse occurs, it can wipe away any progress made in relationship recovery.
[Tweet “Addiction damages and in some cases destroys relationships. “]
The most troubling aspect of addiction is that it breaks hearts. Here is a sample of heartbreak that some people report:
anguish

fear

betrayal

sadness

powerlessness

hopelessness
You cannot change the heart of an addicted person. But what can you do about your heart? You can guard it from being destroyed by collateral damage.
“Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23
Here are 5 things to do to protect your heart from being permanently broken.
#1: A broken heart needs treatment
Often we focus on the addicted person needing treatment. Support here is limited. What often gets neglected is the person or people who are directly affected by the presence of the addiction in the home.
You need support–and if you have children include them too! Family members often fake feeling good. Behind the mask are painful feelings. Masks have to come off in order to treat the heart.
So, what’s next?
#2: Establish a trusted support system for yourself
Addiction survives in secrecy. You cannot afford to keep silent. Neither can you go through this alone. It will take some courage, but you will feel much better when you open up to others for help.
Establish a small group of trusted people you can rely upon for support.
key family members

trusted friends

support group like Al-Anon or Al-Ateen

spiritual leader

counselor
#3: Become a student of addiction
Learning about addiction will have a profound effect on how you deal with it in your family. Becoming a student will help you understand the nature of the disease and the effect it has on the person. The addicted suffer in ways we cannot fathom.
You will also learn how it affects family members. This information will provide an accurate lens to deal with the problem.
Read books. Do research. Join social media support communities.
#4: Clarify your boundaries around addiction
Family members often struggle feeling responsible for the addiction. To compensate they work harder to control it in their loved-one.
Remind yourself of these three realities:
I did not cause it.

Nor can I control it.

I cannot fix it.
Clarify who you are responsible for:
I am responsible to protect my heart.

I am responsible to protect my kids.
When addiction manifests enact boundaries with the person so that you and your kids are protected.
#5: Live within your limits around addiction
Repeated cycles do severe damage to the heart of loved ones. To combat relapse, hyper-vigilance governs the relationship. Power struggles intensify. Walls of resentment build higher and wider with each episode. Broken hearts become cold, then callous.
The effect on children can become severe resulting in mental health and/or behavioral problems, low self-esteem, self-identity, and/or poor psycho-social development.
When addiction reaches this level some partners reach a limit. They cannot subject themselves or their children to the toxicity harming the family.
A decision to stay or end a relationship damaged by addiction is deeply personal and is more likely achieved when the individual has a healthy support system. Some find a way to make it work. Others cannot due to the severity of toxicity in the home.
If you decide to end a relationship it is not a statement of failure. Rather, it is a choice to survive.
Now it’s your turn
How is your heart? Is it broken? Mending?
If you are suffering under the toxic effect of a loved-ones addiction then it’s time to give help to your heart. Look over the 5 areas. What are you currently doing? What can you do next?
37 min
July 16, 2017Starting Over: How to Know When You’re Ready to Begin a New Relationship
Starting over is not something we think about going into romantic relationships. Yet not all relationships go from “wire-to-wire” where the couple stay together the rest of their lives. Endings can happen in any stage.
Early romance
Broken engagement
Cohabitating couples who call it quits
Divorce
Untimely death of a spouse
Individuals in a committed relationship that ends face a future with the prospect of starting over with someone new.
One of the biggest questions asked is, “How do I know when I’m ready?”
The key word in title is “ready”
Here are two problems you want to avoid:
Jumping in too quickly.
Waiting too long.
So, how do you know when you’re ready? Only you can answer this question. But to help you figure it out, here are 3 signs that signal you’re ready to start over.
The key word in the 3 signs is “time”. Being “ready” takes “time”.
#1: When you’ve taken time to heal from your loss
Endings are emotionally painful. When you invest your heart in someone and they are no longer going to be in your life, you need time to process the loss.
You may suffer emotional wounds or grief. Routines of life together come to an end. You also may lose ancillary relationships like in-laws or mutual friends.
Healing takes time. While it may feel painful, give yourself permission to heal. Do not avoid the pain by jumping too quickly into another relationship.
#2: When you’ve taken time to learn your lessons from your past relationship
Twenty years ago I experienced divorce. It was a difficult season in my life. Not only did I take time to heal, I also took time to reflect. I knew I had lessons to learn from a failed marriage. It’s easy to point out the faults of others. But how about our own?
Part of this process was answering questions I posed for myself.
What did I contribute to the marriage that didn’t work?
What do I need to change about myself?
What kind of person doesn’t work for me?
What type of person is a good fit for me?
You are not ready to start over if you have not taken time to learn your lessons.
#3: When you’ve taken time to decide what you want in a relationship going forward
One of the things I was not good at earlier in life was setting boundaries. My people-pleasing habit needed changing. I took time in-between relationships to really work hard on myself. So going forward, I only wanted to be with someone who was independent and also had good boundaries.
Starting over, consider the following:
How you will be different in a good way?
What type of person will you avoid?
What type of person will you seek?
What type of relationship do you want to be in?
When you’ve taken “time” in these 3 phases your heart will likely signal that your “ready” to start over.
Now it’s your turn
Are you thinking about starting over? Before you do, take some time and sit with these 3 questions.
Have I healed from my past relationship?
Have I learned my lessons?
Do I know what I want going forward?
If you feel good about your answers, it’s a good sign you may be ready. If not, you have some more work to do.
Listen to the All About We Podcast on this topic. Click the play button at the top of this page.
29 min
July 08, 20173 totally free organic ways to connect
People with a healthy mindset go organic. They don’t want genetically modified organisms (GMOs) in their food products. Healthy people will pay extra to ensure what goes into their bodies is natural, organic and contains no toxins.
Relationships can also benefit from going organic too. We spend most of our days in the web of technology and work, busy and disconnected.
Developing organic habits can detoxify your marriage and family and build healthy connections. Now here’s the kicker–you don’t have to spend a lot of money to connect! Here are 3 totally free organic habits to try once a week.
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#1: Go for a walk together
Nature is organic. Going for walks connects you with nature and for many this has a settling effect. Under normal weather conditions nature is calm and it’s sounds are soothing. If your marriage is stressed, take it on a nature walk.
Here are some benefits that come from a walk together:
A casual walk is relaxing–it relaxes relationships.
A casual walk is a form of exercise.
A device-free walk detoxifies your brain.
A casual walk is non-threatening–you can focus on nature, not on problems.
A casual walk is adventurous–things you discover in nature.
A casual walk can form deeper, more meaningful marriage/family connections.
One-on-one walks with kids can be a relaxing, non-threatening way to connect. Be sure you leave devices in the car!
#2: Go to bed together
At least once a week, develop the organic habit of going to bed together. Back in the day, this is what families did. Remember the TV series “The Waltons”? “Goodnight John Boy.”
One behavior that reinforces the disconnect between couples and family members is a pattern of not ending the day together. This has a longterm negative effect on relationships.
Currently, if you don’t have this habit, try ending the day by going to bed together one day a week.
The symbolism of retiring at the end of the day suggests:
We are united, not divided.
We are together, not alone.
We share comfortable space together.
We are one.
Going to bed together affords time to connect. Creates a moment for casual conversation. You can read a book together or share something interesting from one you’re reading. Why not cuddle up and watch a tv show together?
#3: Go to church or place of worship together
This may not be an organic appetite for everyone, but for those who espouse spiritual values it is a healthy habit to develop or get back to if you’ve drifted.
Problems raising a family can be overwhelming. Getting spiritually-centered, is key to a healthy home. Going to church is an organic way to connect.
The habit of going to a place of worship to connect with your faith and spirituality is important.
Check out these benefits:
You have a spiritual presence in your family.
You can turn to your faith for strength and guidance
You can integrate the principles and values of your faith into how you function as a couple or family.
Deeper connections with God contribute to deeper relationships with each other.
Faith forms a deeper and more firm layers of security and harmony in the family.
Get more on this topic by listening to the All About We Podcast with my cohost Amanda Berlin. Click the play button by scrolling to the top.
Now it’s your turn
What can you plan to do this week to go organic and connect?
34 min
July 01, 20174 Simple Steps to Set Boundaries
If you want to get good at setting boundaries you’ve come to the right place. In my previous blog I highlighted 4 benefits you can expect by setting boundaries. Here I’m going to give you 4 simple steps to do it. Let’s check out the first one.
#1: Listen to your gut
This is slightly different than “go with your gut”. It’s a bit slower and keeps you from acting impulsively. Your gut alerts you that something does sit right with you.
Listen to what your gut is saying. Your gut activates your boundary system.
Check it out. Answer the question: What am I feeling?
It feels like…
an intrusion of my personal space

an imposition of my time

an expectation is being placed on me that only accepts “yes” for an answer

I’m being told what to do

I’m expected to just go along

my voice is not being heard, considered

guilt. If I say “no” I will disappoint others.

fear. I don’t want people to be mad at me or stop liking me.
So if your gut is alerting you something is not right about the situation then you want to think it through before you act. Here’s your next step.
#2: Move to your center
Your center is that internal quite place where you can listen to yourself. The purpose here is to silence the chatter in your head. Moving to the center gives you time to slow down your thoughts and emotions. Furthermore, it allows you to process your gut reaction more thoroughly.
You can decide for yourself:
Is the expectation from other doable? Yes/no

Does the expectation interfere with my plans?

Does it cross a personal, moral, sexual, etc… boundary?

Does it feel intrusive, or insensitive to my needs?
By moving to center and processing thoughts and feelings you are more likely to make a decision that honors your boundaries.
Operating from center, feelings of guilt, fear or insecurity are more easily managed. Decisions are more likely to be thoughtful and responsive, than emotional and impulsive.
#3: Use your active voice
A passive voice is weak and submissive.
An active voice is strong and respectful. It combines the ability to respectfully validate others intentions while holding your position on a matter.
Here are a few examples of how an active voice sounds.
“I can see you are in a jam here and I wish I could help but I have a prior commitment.”
“I am attracted to you too, and perhaps we could be a good match, but I’m not ready for a romantic relationship at this time.”

“I get that you’re angry and I want to work this out with you, but in order to do this it would help if you to lower your voice.”
#4: Contain the story about your decision
When you first begin setting boundaries you may hear some chatter in your head. “Maybe I did the wrong thing. What if the person stays mad at me? Am I being selfish?”
It’s important that you contain the story in your head. Stop catastrophizing the outcome. It’s not the end of the world. Don’t allow false guilt to rule your mind. Neither should you ruminate in worry about potentially damaging a relationship.
Which leads me to a second area of containment. The story in your head about what’s being reported out there.
Most people will respect your decision and adjust accordingly. A few might take offense. Base the rightness of your decision on what you think, not others.
Never forget this. You own the story of your life. Don’t allow others to control the narrative. For that matter, never give your pen away!
Now it’s your turn
Do you own your story? Or, do you find yourself following the script others write for you? If you always give in to the expectations of others and rarely stand firm on for what you need, then it’s time for you to set boundaries. Get your pen back!
30 min

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