A sex deprived marriage is symptomatic of a bigger problem.

Couples are becoming more disconnected from each other on an intimate level. Many are exchanging romantic partnership for roommates. Here are some familiar patterns I observe among couples today.

* An increasing number of couples are not sleeping together. Nearly 1 out of 4 married couples sleep in separate beds according to a recent survey in the National Sleep Foundation.

While some legitimate reasons contribute to this trend, a pattern of geographical distancing in the home puts couples at risk for diminished intimacy, including sex.

Couples allowing kids or electronic devices to occupy space once meant for each other. In many cases, this is used to create a buffer against intimacy.

Couples are redefining marriage to exclude sex as a primary need. Expectations about sexual intimacy are lowered accordingly.

Couples are settling for co-existence. They get along by avoiding problems, focusing on kids and themselves, but not their marriage.

What you can do to prevent sex from becoming an endangered experience in your marriage

Sexual intimacy is a key factor in marital happiness and longevity. If it is not nurtured it is an endangered experience in your marriage. Here are 4 things you can do to prevent extinction.

If it currently gets “front-burner” attention maintain that habit

Early in marriage couples tend to have more frequent, satisfying sex. They don’t have the competing needs of kids to consider. If this is where you are currently, here is some advice. Make an agreement now to keep romance a priority in your marriage after kids arrive.

Develop good habits around connecting. Disconnect your devices and have some “organic” FaceTime!

Communicate regularly and respectfully about your sexual needs

Note the two key words: regularly and respectfully. Talking about sexual needs is very personal. If you  want a healthy sex life, make your partner feel safe when she or he talks about their needs.

As you talk, discover your similarities and differences in what you like and don’t like. Don’t assume your partner knows your needs. Communicate them.

Talk regularly about the current state of your libido. Various things can increase or decrease sexual drive. Check in with each other. Explain to your spouse what “gets you in the mood”. Have conversations about the barriers to intimacy for you.

Talk about ways you can spice it up! Don’t settle for autopilot sex.

Learn from the experts how to have a great sexual relationship

Experts in the field of sexual intimacy are a great source of information. Here are a few options.

Read books together

Watch educational videos on sexual intimacy

Meet with a sex therapist or doctor (especially if you’re having problems)

Mental health conditions that impede libido

Sexual dysfunction problems in males/females

Give your marriage good quality care

The most significant factor in developing a healthy sex life is the care you give to the marriage on a daily basis. Establishing a rhythm of mutual care will keep the portals of intimacy open. Here are some ways you can do this.

Check in at least 3x a day

Be friendly toward each other

Step in to support (whatever this means to your partner)

Work through problems, resolve disputes, settle your arguments

Make it a habit not to go to bed angry at each other

If you can’t do this, seek professional help

Now it’s your turn

Is sex in your marriage thriving or in danger of extinction? Review the 4 steps and decide what action to take next.