It’s a standoff between parents and their two kids. Kevin and Heidi have finally come together to bring respect back into their marriage. Now it’s time to get Brandon and Stacy on board. However, the kids remain defiant, in mocked attire.

The picture above is taken from chapter 5 in my book that discusses how to bring respect back into your family. I’ll get to how these parents changed the family culture a little later.

For now, let’s focus on a major problem in families today.

Families are upside down!

The structure in many families is inverted. Kids have more power than parents. In the past, kids feared disappointing their parents. Today, parents fear their kids disliking them!

Kids control relationships in the family. They say the nastiest things to exert their power. What’s more disturbing is how parents tolerate this rude behavior.

How did families flip?

Why do kids today get a pass on behavior that would never fly in past generations? Is it that we have evolved as families into something more democratic? Or have kids usurped the authority of parents?

I can devote an entire blog to analyze the flip. Instead, I’ll focus on two primary culprits: fear and guilt. These negative emotions are primary motivators of current parenting styles.

* Parents fear their kids failing.

* Failing kids translates to failing parents.

* Busy parents feel guilty they are not giving their kids enough of themselves.

* Kids push the guilt button to get what they want.

Fear and guilt project weakness to kids–and they seize the opportunity to gain power and rule the family. Kids are not mature enough to wield adult power. It is critical that parents flip the family right side up again!

How do you do this? Here are 3 moves Kevin and Heidi made to bring respect back into their family.

First Move: Parents Model Respect with Each Other

You cannot expect from others what you don’t give.

“I’m your parent, show some respect!” – is not a good approach. Establishing respect lies squarely on the shoulders of parents.

You don’t demand respect. You command it.

The difference between “demanding” respect and “commanding” respect

Demanding is words and threats

Commanding is actions that make others feel safe and respected – based on how you treat people in all situations

Now the first move is to model respect in your marriage. I covered this in the blog last week. Parents model respect to their kids in the manner in which they interact with each other.

How they communicate: words, tone, non-verbals

How they work together to lead the family

How they handle problems, support each other

How they resolve conflict when it occurs in front of the kids

If you’re not good at this move, then I suggest you work on this. If you don’t get this down, it will be harder to get your kids on board.

Second Move: Parents Show Respect to their Kids

If you want to command the respect of your kids you must give it to them first. You don’t do it by caving in to their demands. Here are some target behaviors you want to show your kids.

Love your kids unconditionally. Don’t base love on behavior.

Set a positive tone when you interact.

Maintain emotional control in tense situations. Do not come unglued.

Listen with the intent to understand your kid.

Be firm in your position, maintaining control when they react negatively to limits you set.