All couples encounter major problems from time-to-time. You are not going to get along 24/7.

Problems don’t disappear once you adjust. Expect occasional conflicts throughout married life. This is normal. Problems may be minor or major depending on the circumstances.

Most couples can manage to get through minor problems. All of us need help navigating our way through the major issues that flare up. 

One of the biggest traps I see couples get into is stockpiling their problems instead of resolving them. You definitely want to avoid this trap!

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#1 Focus on the problem, not the person

In conflict, a knee-jerk reaction is to focus on your spouse as the problem. A disagreement can flare quickly. Soon, the problem is not the problem. It is your partner’s view.

We can react to an opposing view by saying:

* “You’re absolutely wrong!”

* “You’re crazy!”

* “You don’t have a clue!”

* “I cannot believe you see it that way.”

Notice how the spouse is now the problem? Why? Because he or she doesn’t see things your way. Couples can quickly move into a power struggle over who is right and wrong. This back-n-forth interaction shifts attention from the problem to a person.

For example, take Jon and Kaylee.

Jon wants to get rid of his clunker and buy a new car. The couple did not factor a car payment into their budget. Kaylee thinks Jon’s idea won’t work financially and voices her opposition. Jon is upset with Kaylee’s response and the following argument ensues.

Jon – “I cannot believe you don’t agree with this idea. Do you expect me to drive this piece of junk forever? Whenever it comes to things I want, you’re not on board. It’s not fair Kaylee, I bend backwards to support what you want!”

Kaylee – “Jon you are so impulsive. How do you expect us to pay for a new car? Where do you think we are going to get the money? I can support an idea that makes sense. You keep coming up with these stupid ideas that don’t work. Sorry dude, I’m not on board.”

Notice how the conversation shifted from the problem (car purchase) to a person? Jon views Kaylee’s inflexibility as the problem and she sees Jon’s impulsivity as the issue at hand. They are quickly off topic.

To work through major problems you have to see your spouse as an ally, not an adversary. You may see differently on how to resolve a problem but to find a solution you cannot make it personal just because you disagree.

Let’s see how Jon and Kaylee would stay on topic by focusing on the issue of the car.

Jon: “I know we did not budget for a car and we may not afford it, but I think it is an important purchase.”

Kaylee: “True, it’s not in our budget so I cannot see how we can afford a new car. How do you propose we pay for it?” 

#2: Keep your emotions in check

Jon wants to feel supported. Kaylee wants to feel secure. If your spouse’s reaction to the problem triggers an emotion, it may intensify spontaneously and manifest in your response. This is what caused this couple to come off the rails so quickly.

So, how do you keep your emotions in check? Here are some tips:

* Take a few deep breaths from your diaphragm. 

* This will calm your physiological system (mind and body)

* Identify your emotion. 

* You might think right away that it’s anger. More often, anger is a secondary emotion. What’s underneath is primary. Jon may have felt dismissed. Kaylee may have felt pressured.

* Express your emotion with controlled intensity

* “I’m feeling a little pressured by your approach” i...