Ah, Canada, the land of maple syrup, Tim Hortons, and apparently, legislation that protects apologies from being legal admissions of guilt. Who knew, right? As we embark on our journey from the Show-Me State to the Great White North, I find myself questioning everything I've ever known about measurements, money, and even...milk. Yep, friends, we're Lori, Clover, and a queer and trans family of three diving headfirst into Canada, and this ride promises to be wilder than Clover's fascination with beer ounces.

From Apologies to Applause

To start off, let’s ponder this: Canadians apologize so much that they have a legal statute for it in Ontario, proving sorry doesn’t equate to guilt. Imagine telling your partner, "I'm sorry for leaving the lights on," only to have a Canadian referee swoop in to assure you that doesn't mean you broke an environmental law.

Metric Madness

Now, onto more calculated endeavors: the metric system. Clover’s been trying to wrap their head around Celsius and kilometers, only for master Lori to point out that your internal speedometer needs recalibrating. In Canada, 100 isn’t just a number—it’s an existential crisis. Who would've thought?

Funny Money and Tipping Trauma

Canadian currency feels like Monopoly money, converting dollars into more dollars, which seems fun until Lori remembers the punch her wallet takes at checkout. Don’t even get us started on the appalling sales tax. Pro tip: "The price tag is a lie," Clover grumbles. And for all the over-tippers fidgeting with 13% tax calculations, take solace in Clover’s philosophy: those who calculate tips sans sales tax are dicks. Wise words indeed.

Bags of Milk and Other Bizarre Mysteries

Speaking of essentials, milk in bags still baffles Lori. It’s like someone took a standard grocery item and decided, "You know what this needs? Bags!" Whether it’s ancient Canadian propaganda or a bagged dairy phenomenon, the truth is out there—just in a pitcher.

Healthcare: Oh, Canada!

Prepare yourself for the reality—a healthcare system where you’re not reduced to tears at every medical billing. "Hello, universal healthcare, we've been expecting you," Lori wistfully dreams of affordable medical interventions without selling their soul—or spare change.

Tim Hortons: Welcome to the Cult

And then there’s Tim Hortons, or as we fondly dub it, “Tim Bits and coffee at every corner.” While Lori ponders forbidden Tim Bits (thanks to Clover's vivid imagination), I remain innocently indoctrinated, sipping 15-minute-new coffee, which in Starbucks’ defense, wins in volume but loses in ‘crazy delicious’.

To Infinity and Beyond!

As we fasten our emotional seatbelts and adjust our expectations (and compasses), one truth resonates: beauty amidst chaos prevails. Our midwestern roots, pruned with Canadian politeness and snark, unfold like a map—awkwardly folded at first but eventually making sense.

So here’s to no turning back, with apologies, thermometers, milk bags and all. This is just the beginning of our wild move to the land where politeness reigns and, thankfully, the taxes are only plagued by percentages. Join us next time as we continue to hilariously survey the bits and quirks that make our northern adventure truly Canadian, eh?