10-Year-Old Parenting Tools

Why Repairing Harm?

10-year-olds are working on understanding and applying rules in various situations. They are seeking independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on how to repair harm caused to a relationship or item. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. Research confirms that children are in the process of developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect. This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling. 

○      “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 

○      “I saw your friend leave you to play with someone else at the playground. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      You can also ask them about how they think others might be feeling.

○      “Your sister cried when you said those unkind words to her. How might she be feeling?” 

○      “When your friend didn’t get to take their turn, how do you think they were feeling?”

○      “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

Step 2: Teach New Skills

●      Understanding your own feelings and behaviors when your child misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you know what your child is learning to do.

●      Model behaviors (and your children will notice and learn!).

●      Teach positive behaviors. Children need to learn the positive behavior that can replace inappropriate behavior.

●      Create a calm-down plan. “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?”

●      Practice deep breathing to calm down.

●      Brainstorm coping strategies and make a list together, such as hugging a pillow, reading a favorite book, walking outside, getting a glass of water, or listening to music.

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feelings words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

●      Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”  “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother because it hurts his feelings.”

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

●      Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can make things better with your sister.”

●      Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like!): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better? Would your calm down space help you feel better?”

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. “Could you talk to her directly or write her a note?”

●      Recognize effort: “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought. That’s how you heal the relationship.”

●      Proactively remind: “Remember what helps you feel better? What can you do?”

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions to support their skills: “You will see Julie today. How will you tell her you are sorry for your words yesterday?”

●      Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present differing challenges, including stress, frustration, and anger.

●      Promote an “I can” belief. Children must hear that you believe in their ability to mend their relationships.

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed you made up with your sister before I said anything. That’s the way to be a big sister.”  

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when an effort to repair harm has been made.

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Repairing Harm Age 10 Summary. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University

Why Examine Technology Use?

Becoming intentional about your child’s daily technology use can influence how they develop a healthy relationship with technology and its role in their life. Looking for ways to experience and learn together about how to use devices wisely contributes to your child’s development. 

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input 

Writing down notes on your child’s responses to the following questions will help you develop rules or routines for device use.

●      What are your hopes and goals for your time after school and on weekends?

●      Do you get to do everything you want to do in your free time –  or connect with the people you want to communicate with (friends, family), or are there things you miss out on?

●      What roles do you want your devices to play in your life? (i.e., learning, entertainment, connection with friends)

●      Do you tend to want screen time when you experience a particular emotion (e.g., sadness, frustration, anger)? 

●      What other things would you like to try to calm down and feel better when you have this feeling? Can we talk about it, go outside, listen to music, or draw a picture? 

Step 2: Teach New Skills 

Model healthy technology habits. 

●      Because technology plays a significant role in our family's life, modeling how you use technology teaches our children more than our words ever could. How are you disciplined about technology?  Do you have rules for putting the laptop down and storing work away at the end of the day? Do you have times when you turn off or leave behind your phone? Share those practices with your child so that they understand that it’s not only children who have to manage devices and cultivate healthy technology habits.

●      Notice how you cope with challenges and uncomfortable feelings. Do you tend to use technology as an “escape”?  Talk with your child about how you are feeling and what you will do to calm down rather than tune out. 

Research content together before viewing. 

●      Our children need to learn to become their very own media analysts. Download an app or visit a media review site together. Get into a habit of reading together about new video games, television programs, movies, and applications before selecting them to view. If they are not developmentally appropriate, move on to something that is.

●      Research any topic you are curious about on the internet together and review the keywords to use and the quality of the sites that come up in your search. Discuss the quality and reliability of the site.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits 

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When your child learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “Show me you know what we’ve agreed to with our devices - when we’re going to use them and when we’ll power them down.” This can be used when you are in the after-school routine and need that alert to move on to reading time.

●      Take a “device break”. During device time, it may be at a natural breaking point called “device break.” Practice moving away briefly. Get a drink of water. Walk outside and get some fresh air. 

●      Recognize effort using “I notice...” statements like, “I notice how you searched the media site before watching a new program. That’s smart!”

●      Proactively remind your child to help them be successful. The challenges of daily routines recur day after day. Remind in a gentle, non-public way. You can whisper in your child's ear, “Remember what time it is? What’s next we don’t want to miss out on?” 

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Promote a learning attitude. Show confidence that your child can learn anything with time and practice. Your comments and reflections will matter significantly in how competent they feel to meet any learning challenge, especially when learning to manage technology in healthy ways.

●      Ask key questions like:

○      “It looks like you’re on screens longer than we agreed. Can I help you set the alarm? Are there other ways you can keep track of your time?”

○      “Are you feeling good about what you are viewing? If not, if you feel more fearful or sad, how can we find content that will make you feel better?” 

●      Stay engaged. In addition to reading together, it can motivate your child to see you read your favorite book alongside them. 

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your child's choice. For example, when children complete their homework on time, a short, specific call out is all that’s needed: “I noticed you put your device on the counter when I asked you to. Excellent.”

●      Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments—like the full bedtime routine going smoothly—to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your child is making an effort and let them know you see them.

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Technology Use Age 10 Summary. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University

Why Anger?

Research confirms that when young children learn to manage their feelings, their executive functions are simultaneously strengthened.1 They can better use self-control, problem-solve, and focus their attention. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Growing your child’s skills to manage anger provides a perfect opportunity. 

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

●      “When do you feel angry?” 

●      “What time of day?” 

●      “What people, places, and activities are usually involved?” 

●      “How does your body feel now?” (in a calm moment) “How does your body feel when you are angry?”  

Step 2: Teach New Skills

●      Learn together! Anger and hurt are important messages to pay attention to. They mean emotional, social, or physical needs are not being met, or necessary boundaries (rules, values) are being violated. 

●      Anger is not bad or negative. You should not avoid or shut down the experience of it.

●      Expressing anger in a way such as yelling will not make it go away.

●      Venting, such as complaining, ranting, or even mumbling, does not relieve the upset thoughts and feelings. 

●      Avoiding or pretending you are not angry will not make it go away.

●      Model behaviors and your children will notice and learn! 2

●      Create a calm-down plan. 

●      Recognize your anger from physical signs.

●      Practice deep breathing to calm down.

●      Brainstorm coping strategies for yourself, such as walking outside, moving in slow motion, distracting yourself, writing, or drawing.

●      Make a list of coping strategies with your child, like counting to 50, drawing, coloring, or building something. Keep it handy! 

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Use specific feeling words to describe your state of mind and help your child describe theirs.

●      Play feelings guessing games with the family. Ask each family member what they did today and see if you can guess their feelings from their expression. 

●      Create a safe base -- a place in the house where your child can choose to go when they want comfort. 

●      Reflect on your child’s anger so you can be prepared to help. “What needs is my child not getting met? Can my child address the issue alone, or do they need to communicate a need, ask for help, or set a boundary?”

●      Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

●      Teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing anger is teaching them how to repair harm (physical or emotional) when they’ve caused it.

●      Create a ritual for expressing gratitude so that it happens and becomes a habit. For example, you might say what you are grateful for before each family meal. 

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits 

●      Use “Show me…” statements like, “Show me how you use your safe base to calm down.”

●      Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better?”

●      Recognize effort: “I notice how you took deep breaths when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”

●      Practice deep breathing. 

●      Follow through on repairing harm. 

●      Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine: “What happened today that made you feel happy? What are you looking forward to tomorrow?”

●      “How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm the other person?” 

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success 

●      Ask key questions to support their skills: “You will see Julie today. Do you remember what you can do if you get angry?”

●      Learn about your child’s development. Each new age presents different challenges.

●      Stay engaged. Try out new and different coping strategies to see what works best.

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed. 

●      If there are high emotions in your household on most days, it may be time to consider outside intervention.

Step 5: Recognize Effort 

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed when you got frustrated with your homework, you moved away and took some deep breaths. Excellent!”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when the routine is accomplished.

Why Back Talk?

Arguing in family life is typical and expected. “Back talk” can be defined as “argumentative replies.” 1 Children can respond in anger, hurt, frustration, hurtful tones, or with hurtful words. Back talk also represents a power imbalance children are trying to rectify. To regain some power, children lash out with hurtful words. Power, after all, is a basic human need. Building your child’s skills to respond assertively but non-aggressively is essential to their success.

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input 

●      “What gets you upset or mad at a friend, a relative, Mom and Dad?”

●      “What feelings do you experience?” (Name the multiple feelings that occur.)

●      “How does your body feel when you’re upset?” (Name how your child physically experiences being upset, whether it’s a red hot face or a racing heartbeat.) 

●      “Have you hurt another person’s feelings when you’ve argued? How did that feel?” 

●      “How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm the other person?” 

●      Practicing naming feelings will enable your child to identify their and others’ feelings and seek support when needed. This can help your child gain competence. 

●      Use your best listening skills!

Step 2: Teach New Skills

●      Reflect on how you currently model communication when you’re upset. Only model what you want to see and hear back from your child.

●      Fighting habits hurt others and destroy trust in one another: 2

○      Do not use physical force. 

○      Do not talk about others negatively when they are not present.  

○      Do not criticize. 

○      Do not show contempt. 

○      Do not become defensive or blaming. 

○      Do not refuse to listen or give the silent treatment.

●      Play like a hermit crab to help calm down. When upset, pretend to bury yourself in your shell with your child, arms over your head. Take some deep breaths together and only reemerge when feeling better. 

●      Begin to teach your child to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children about managing anger is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits

●      Allow your child the chance to assert their needs in small ways, like ordering for themselves in a restaurant or asking for your attention in healthy ways. 

●      Consider how you can create the conditions to support their success (like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking) so your child learns to become their best problem solver.

●      Share a range of feeling words regularly to become more comfortable expressing feelings.

●      Practice the hermit crab game on more challenging problems. Then, when in a heated moment, gently remind your child, “Remember what the hermit crab does?”

●      Practice deep breathing to help you calm down when you have spare moments together, such as while waiting in line, driving in the car, or at bedtime.

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your child has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support to repair it. 

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success 

●      Use “Show me…” statements like, “Show me you can go into your shell and calm down before we talk this through.”

●      Recognize effort by using “I notice…” statements like, “I noticed how you talked to your sister about how you were feeling and then worked with her to come to an agreement. That’s excellent!”

●      Remind them of their strengths: “Remember how you talked to your sister yesterday? You can use that same strategy with your friend today.”

●      Reflect on choices: “It seems you are holding onto angry feelings toward your friend. What are some ways you could approach your friend? What options do you think you have?”

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm done when needed.

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed you told me your feelings when you were upset. That’s exactly how we can work together. ”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when the routine is accomplished.

Why Transform Disrespect?

10-year-olds seek independence and will naturally test limits and break rules. When they feel powerless and angry, they can lash out in ways that show disrespect for others. Though this is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning, it can anger or worry a caring parent or someone in a parenting role. You can transform these moments into vital opportunities to teach children healthy and respectful alternatives. 

Step 1: Get Input- Get Your Child Thinking by Getting Their Input

●      Ask yourself, “Does my child have an unmet need?” Perhaps they are hungry or tired, need attention, or need downtime.

●      Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, you may need to take a few minutes to collect yourself before engaging your child.

●      Ask your child how they are feeling. “I notice your face is red. Are you feeling frustrated?” Or “I saw your friend leave to go play with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      Use your best listening skills.

Step 2: Teach New Skills 

●      Learn together! Transforming disrespect requires dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and learning constructive ways to use and share power.

●      Model respectful words and actions, and your children will notice and learn!

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary.

●      Create a calm-down plan.

●      Practice deep breathing to calm down.

●      Teach assertive communication through I-messages such as “I feel _________(insert feeling word) when you______ (name the words or actions that upset you) because__________.”

●      Teach your child positive ways to seek control or power.

●      Teach your child to repair harm.

●      End the day with love. Often, when a child acts disrespectfully they feel bad about themselves; spend one-on-one time with your child to remind them they are loved no matter their choices.

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skill and Develop Habits 

●      Accept feelings (even ones you don’t like!): “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better?”

●      Use “Show me…” statements like “Show me how you can make a good choice when you talk to your sister.”

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. “Do  you want to do homework at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?”

●      Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.

●      Practice deep breathing. This is a simple practice your child can use to assist themselves anytime, anywhere.

●      Follow through on repairing harm.

●      Proactively remind: “Remember what helps you feel better? What can you do?”

Step 4: Support Your Child's Development and Success

●      Ask key questions to support their skills: “You and your brother must work together to clean your bedroom today. Do you remember what you can do if you start feeling frustrated?”

●      Promote an “I can” belief. Children need to know you believe in them.

●      Foster friendships. They offer opportunities for your child to practice power sharing,  negotiating roles, and working through conflict.

●      Stay engaged. Try out new and different coping strategies to see what works best.

●      Engage in further practice. Role-play or rehearse when needed.

●      Reflect on the real world and the natural consequences of disrespectful behaviors.

●      Follow through on logical consequences to repair harm when needed.

Step 5: Recognize Effort

●      Notice even small successes: “I noticed how you took deep breaths when you got frustrated. That’s excellent!”

●      Recognize small steps along the way.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. Consider a hug when the routine is accomplished.

Recommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Disrespect Age 10 Summary. Retrieved fromhttps://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org

This content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State University

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