On today's episode, we watch Sylvester Stallone marble-mouth his way through a marauding gang motorbiking axe murderers, or something. Just like every Steven Seagal movie we've covered on this show, Stallone's Cobra also suffers from a very bad case of "fuck, he's good" syndrome, and he wants us all to know that he can do no wrong. Except for the police assault, and the witness banging, and the wanton destruction of small businesses, and killing way more people than the people suspected of foul play in the first place.

Let's do this!

Murder in aisle five! Mid-madman-mission marketing! Car chase with key witness cargo! Cop/witness bing-bong! Retro soda recommendations! Malicious bean sniping! SUCCUMBING TO THE GLIZZY! Fucking Jack! Knocking over pints of important blood! Super Sabrett! Personal armory tropes! Meat hooking the bad guy! Stiffing the steel, and much, much more on this week's episode of The Worst Movie Ever Made!

We'll be watching Pulp Fiction next week because we feel bad about accusing John Travolta of dog murder multiple times this season.*

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*John Travolta is a dog murderer