As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your child/teen to communicate well, and working with them to transform disrespect is a perfect opportunity.   

You can be purposeful and deliberate about how you respond when you feel your child/teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. Your child/teen may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your child/teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills[1] : self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your child/teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset. 

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, children/teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their child/teen on positive ways to seek and use power. Parents or those in a parenting role often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your child’s/teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your child/teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe. 

Research confirms that when children/teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.^1 This directly impacts their school success and ability to follow the rules. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching challenging, power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your child’s/teen’s skills can transform your relationship. 

When your eleven-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your thirteen-year-old intentionally creates a mess when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect. 

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen regain calm and focus

●      a greater understanding in you of the connection between your child’s/teen’s feelings and their behaviors 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

●      a growing understanding of rules and expectations 

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your child/teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

●      grows assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with various relationships

This five-step process helps you transform disrespect in your child/teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[2] ).

“Too many children who have problems with behavior also have problems with accurately labeling their feelings.” – Maurice Elias

A child’s/teen’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences. Feelings are not right or wrong, but your child’s/teen’s behaviors in response to their feelings may be appropriate or inappropriate. 

You can help your child/teen start understanding their feelings by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input: 

●      Uncovering your child's/teen's feelings can transform an unsafe or inappropriate behavior into a teachable moment.

●      You can better understand why your child/teen behaves a certain way.

●      You can begin to teach your child/teen how to understand their feelings[5] , which will help them have more choice over behaviors.

●      You can grow their self-control, social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Children/teens ages 11-14 are still learning to identify and understand their feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. They will need your support to figure this out. When both you and your child/teen are calm, reflect on your child’s/teen’s feelings so you can be prepared to help. 

●      Ask yourself: “Does my child/teen have an unmet need?  Are they hungry or tired?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes. An upset parent or those in a parenting role can unwittingly fuel the flames of an angry child/teen, so calming down first is necessary.

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 

○      “I saw your friend leave you after school to hang out with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what concerns your child/teen most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your child/teen is communicating. 

○      Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is essential for you to check your understanding while teaching children/teens how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this: 

■      Child/teen: “When my brother told me to leave his room, I got so mad that I yelled and called him a name.” 

■      Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, when your brother told you he wanted you to leave his bedroom, you responded by yelling an insulting name at him.” 

■      If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can reflect on the implied feeling. Also, you can seek further clarification if needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I hear you were mad. Were your feelings hurt too when he told you to leave?”

●      Remember, you can empathize and validate your child/teen’s feelings even if you disagree with their behaviors. Empathy does not equal your approval of how your child/teen behaved. Empathy shows your care about understanding your child/teen’s thoughts and feelings. Any conversation on behavior correction will be better heard by your child/teen once they feel heard. Chances are, they don’t feel great about their behavior either.   

The fundamental purpose of transforming disrespect is to grow new skills and behaviors to replace behaviors that hurt others and cause disconnection in relationships. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Understanding your feelings and behaviors when your child/teen misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

●      “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?” 

●      “How do I respond to my anger?” 

●      “How do I want my child/teen to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your child’s/teen’s developmental milestones[6]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your child/teen. 

●      Eleven-year-olds may push boundaries and argue with you as they assert their independence. They may argue with friends as they worry more about being liked. 

●      Twelve-year-olds may easily be edgy, moody, or angry as they deal with increased stress from school, friends, and the perceived pressure of acting older.

●      Thirteen-year-olds can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent. They may feel an even greater sense of peer pressure. Their many physical and mental changes can leave them feeling vulnerable, and may show more challenging emotions as a result.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act like they are invincible and know it “all.” They may get angry if embarrassed or rejected by peers, particularly in front of crushes. Social dynamics are of significant concern.

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.^2 Two specific areas of focus are required to transform disrespect. They are (1) dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and (2) learning to use and share power constructively. 

●      At a calm time, ask, “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?” Share ideas and practice them together, like taking deep breaths, drinking water, walking, or asking for a hug. 

●      Create a calm-down space. During playtime or time without pressure, design a “safe base” or place where your child/teen decides they would like to go when upset to feel better. The only way this space serves as a tool for parents or those in a parenting role to promote their child’s/teen’s self-management skills is if they allow a child/teen to self-select the calm down space. You can and should practice using it and gently remind them of it when they are upset. “Would your calm down space help you feel better?” you might ask. Don’t use that space as a punishment or a directive. 

●      Work on your family's feelings vocabulary. Children/Teens ages 11-14 are still learning about identifying their feelings, especially when there is a problematic range or mix of emotions. Use feeling words for yourself and others in your family regularly. Do feelings check-ins when your family is together. Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions. Remember to recognize positive emotions as well!

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s an example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

●      Model words and actions that are respectful to them and others. Your child’s/teen’s first teacher of social and emotional skills is your modeling of behaviors. 

●      Teach your child/teen positive ways to seek control or power. How can they demonstrate responsibility by caring for their possessions or caring for a sibling? Each time your child/teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.

●      Teach your child/teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children/teens about managing anger and responding to others respectfully is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another. But it’s that next step that matters in repairing the relationship. Children/Teens will need your guidance and support in following through to mend broken things or relationships.

●      End the day with love. If a child/teen has acted disrespectfully during the day, they may end the day feeling bad about themselves. Children/Teens tie your love to their behavior. If you act proud of them, they feel loved. If you are disappointed or mad at them, they feel unloved. Be sure to spend one-on-one time with your child/teen if they have had rough patches that day. This teaches them that they are loved no matter what choices they make. It encourages them to practice new ways of behaving.

Practice can be pretend play, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for children/teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen performs the new action.

●      Accept feelings. If you will help your child/teen manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings -- even ones you don’t like. When your child/teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. Would quiet time in your calm-down space help you feel safe and supported?” Then, focus on teaching and practicing better behavior.

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When a child/teen learns a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. Say, “Show me how you can make a good choice when approaching your sister.” This practice will remind your child/teen to use their power wisely if tempted to misbehave to meet their needs.

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. Even if small, offering them an option—“Do you want to do your homework sitting at the kitchen counter or the dining room table?”—can restore a sense of control to their lives. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.

●      Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.

●      Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you used our ‘code red’ signal. It worked! That’s excellent!”

●      Practice deep breathing.[7]  Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your child/teen anytime, anywhere, it’s essential to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. Here are some enjoyable ways to practice together!

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your child/teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need you to be by their side through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision making.

●      Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What were your highs and lows of the day?” This question allows your child/teen to share their difficult moments and bright spots with you. You should answer the questions as well. Children/Teens may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day (and may get...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and growing your child’s/teen’s skills to communicate respectfully provides a perfect opportunity.  

Conflict happens in families between spouses, among siblings, and between parents and children/teens. Arguing in family life is typical. “Back talk” can be defined as “argumentative replies.”^1 Children/teens can respond in anger, hurt, frustration, hurtful tones, or with hurtful words. But back talk also represents a power imbalance children/teens are trying to rectify. Power, after all, is a basic human need. Children/teens ages 11-14 are growing their listening, empathy, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills. Growing your child’s/teen’s skills to respond in assertive but non-aggressive ways is essential to their success.

Anyone may face challenges with back talk. “You can’t tell me what to do!” your child/teen may exclaim in anger and frustration when you say “No” to an unsupervised party. Your child’s/teen’s responses can make you angry and upset. As your child/teen develops, they must test their limits and rules to internalize them. This can lead to arguments between you and your child/teen. They will also have evolving emotional needs and sometimes lack the communication skills necessary to ask for what they need. Using the steps below can help navigate this challenge with skill. These steps include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Whether your eleven-year-old is screaming, “I hate you!” or your fourteen-year-old is crying, “It’s all your fault!” when they fight with a friend, establishing healthy ways of responding to life’s most challenging moments is a vital skill your child/teen needs to thrive.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to respond to disagreements in healthy ways can create

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other, and

●      a sense of well-being and motivation  

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching your child/teen effective ways to communicate their feelings and needs

●      develops a sense of safety, security, and self-belief

●      grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and

●      deepens family trust and intimacy

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen communicate during your toughest, most emotional moments in ways that do not harm. It also grows essential critical life skills. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

You can get your child/teen thinking about healthy ways to communicate by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your child/teen

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and

●      will grow self-control, empathy, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills

Consider what challenges your child/teen in their ability to communicate healthily. For example, if your child/teen feels hurt or rejected, is their normal reflex to lash out in self-protection? Begin by considering the following.

●      Ask how your child/teen feels when arguing with a family member or friend. 

○      “What are some situations that make you mad or upset?”

○      “Besides anger, what else do you feel in these situations?” (If your child/teen has difficulty labeling their feelings[4] , you can provide them with guesses. Your child/teen will likely correct you if you guess wrong. For example, “When I asked you to turn off the screen before dinner, you seemed mad. Is that right?”)

○      “What do you notice about what’s going on in your body?” (Name how you physically experience being upset, whether it’s a red hot face or a racing heartbeat.) 

o   “What are some common ways you respond when upset or mad? What do you think the impact is on other people when you respond that way?” Be sure to express empathy for negative feelings your child/teen may express. You could continue modeling by adding, “I have felt horrible, too, when I’ve gotten heated and said things in anger.” It is helpful for kids/teens to know you make mistakes too and that you also know how to take responsibility and make amends. 

o   “What are some ways you can respond when you are upset or mad that don’t have a negative impact on others?”

●      Use your best listening skills. Remember, what makes a parent or someone in a parenting role angry or frustrated can differ significantly from what angers or frustrates a child/teen. Listen closely to what is most concerning to your child/teen without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings.

Intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, so you may not consider their role and impact on your child/teen. Intense feelings can significantly influence the day and your relationship with your child/teen. Your child/teen is learning how to be in healthy relationships, and they will make mistakes and poor choices in the learning process. How you handle those moments as a parent or someone in a parenting role can determine how you help grow their conflict management skills. Learning about developmental milestones[5]  can help you better understand what your child/teen is experiencing. Here are some examples.

●      Eleven-year-olds may push boundaries and argue with you as they assert their independence. They may argue with friends as they worry more about being liked. 

●      Twelve-year-olds may be edgy, moody, or angry easily as they deal with increased stress from school, friends, and the perceived pressure of acting older.

●      Thirteen-year-olds can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent. They may feel an even greater sense of peer pressure. 

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act like they are invincible and know it “all.” They may get angry if embarrassed or rejected by peers, particularly in front of crushes. 

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive words and tone of voice you want your child/teen to use, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[6]  for unmet expectations.

●      Reflect on how you currently model communication when you’re upset. Any actions, words, or tones of voice you use with your child/teen will be repeated and mimicked back to you by them. If you yell, your child/teen will yell. If you criticize, your child/teen will criticize. Consider how you react to your child/teen when you are upset. 

○      Ask yourself, “If my child/teen repeats what I say when I am angry and in my tone of voice, will it be acceptable to me at home? In public?” 

○      Consider which words, actions, and tones you want to see in your child/teen and which you do not. Next, decide what words, actions, and tones you do not want to use so you only model what you want to see and hear.

●      Research shows that the following are fighting habits that hurt others and destroy trust in one another. ^2 In fact, these will encourage more back talk from your child/teen. These fighting habits should not be used to forge healthy communications with others, including with your child/teen.

○      Do not use physical force. Using physical force in a conflict (including spanking) signals that the individual has lost control and only believes they can regain it with physical dominance. This is harmful and breaks trust.       

○      Do not talk about others negatively when they are not present. Going directly to the person with whom you have the problem is the healthiest way to address an issue. 

○      Do not criticize. Judging or commenting on a person's character hurts the other. Instead, focus your energies and words on solving the problem at hand.

○      Do not show contempt. Hostile humor, sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or baiting body language harms the other person. These all involve some kind of aggression or character attack with the intention of causing harm.

○      Do not become defensive or blaming. Pointing fingers and using “You…” language is blaming. Words like “always,” “never,” or “forever” cannot represent the truth and break down trust. Own your feelings and role in the situation, and the argument will remain constructive.

○      Do not stonewall. Actively refusing to listen, shutting down the argument, or giving the silent treatment harms the other person and breaks trust.

●      Learn to use “I-messages.” Discuss how arguments challenge adults and children/teens at a family dinner. You want to communicate in ways that do not harm one another. Share an example of an argument you’ve had and how each person responded without judging what they did. Now try an “I-message” using that same issue. Here’s the structure: “I feel ______________ (insert feeling word) when you __________(name the words/actions that upset you) because ____________.” This structure helps the individual take responsibility for their feelings and role in the problem while avoiding “you” blaming language. Try it out in a parent-teen argument: “I feel frustrated when you keep playing, and I’ve told you it’s homework time because I feel ignored.” This tool can feel empowering to a child/teen so that they regain their power without harming you or another.

●      Continue to teach your child/teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching children/teens about managing anger is how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another, but that next step matters in repairing the relationship. 

If you seize the opportunity, your daily disagreements can allow your child/teen to practice new, vital skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your child/teen works hard to constructively manage feelings, words, and choices.

Practice also provides valuable opportunities to develop consequential thinking, or the ability to anticipate the impact of a particular choice and evaluate whether it’s a positive choice based on those reflections.

●      Allow your child/teen to assert their needs in small and more significant ways, like ordering for themselves in a restaurant or encouraging them to discuss a grade with their teacher. 

●      Be sure to consider how you can create the conditions to support their success (like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking) so your child/teen learns to become their best problem solver.

●      Share a range of feeling words regularly to become more comfortable expressing feelings.

●      Practice “I-messages” on more challenging problems and various issues, including friendship conflicts. Then, when in a heated moment, gently remind them, “What might an I-message sound like right now?”

●      Practice deep breathing to help you calm down when you have spare moments together, such as while waiting in line, driving in the car, or at bedtime.

At this point, you’ve taught your child/teen how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. Now, you can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, following through with logical consequences[7] . Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their child/teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different. 

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, teach cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and conflicts), and helping them develop skills in taking responsibility. 

●      Initially, your child/teen may need active support to pause in the moment. Use: “Let’s pause so our brains can catch up with our feelings.”

●      Make some agreements and be clear about your expectations. “I want to make sure we both are clear about agreeing to have this conversation. We are both committing to… and to not…”

●      Recognize effort using “I notice...” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity, such as, “I noticed how you listened to what I had to say without interrupting -- I appreciate that!”

●      On days with extra challenges, when you can see your child/teen is frustrated or feeling irritable, proactively remind your child/teen of their strength. You can say, “I know it doesn’t feel like this right now, but I appreciate how you rise to the occasion even when it is hard.”

●      Actively reflect on how your child/teen is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like, “I can tell you are still hurt about what happened with your friend. What do you think you might do?” Be sure to reflect on the outcomes of possible choices.

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after an inappropriate behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process and avoiding harm. 

○      First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you are in control of your emotions, you can apply logical consequences that fit the behavior. 

○      Second, invite your child/teen to a reflection about the expectations established in Step 2. 

○      Third, consider a logical consequence of their actions as a teachable moment. Consider the following questions before deciding: (1) What will you teach with this consequence? (2) Has a natural consequence already taken place (3) Will the logical consequence be connected to the poor choice so that you can teach cause and effect with the action?

Learning new behaviors to replace inappropriate behaviors takes time. Your child/teen will likely not do it right the first time (or even the second or third!). That’s OK. What’s important is that you approach growing skills to manage conflict by understanding feelings, teaching new behaviors, and practicing while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child/teen. Your healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your child/teen is most important.

No matter how old your child/teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your child/teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child's/teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your child’s/teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Growing your child’s/teen’s skills to manage anger provides a perfect opportunity.  

Children age 11-14 are still in the process of learning about their strong and changing feelings. They do not fully understand the physical and mental takeover that can occur when angry. While striving for more independence, the sense of a lack of control that anger can produce can frighten them, adding to the length and intensity of their upset. It might also humiliate them if they are mad in front of respected others like teachers, siblings, friends, or relatives. Learning how to deal with anger without suppressing it or expressing it by hurting others and themselves is critical. Your support and guidance matter greatly.

Research confirms that when children/teens learn to tolerate, manage, and express their feelings, it simultaneously strengthens their executive functioning skills.^1 They can better use self-control, solve problems, and focus their attention. This directly impacts their school success. However, the opposite is also true. Those children/teens who do not learn to manage their feelings through the guidance and support of caring adults may have attention issues and problem-solving difficulties. 

Anger is not bad or negative. You should not avoid or shut down the experience of it. There’s a good reason for it. Everyone has experienced someone who has lost control and acted in ways that harmed themselves or others when angry. However, every feeling, including anger, serves a critical purpose. Anger provides essential information about who a person is, what emotional or physical needs are not getting met, and where their boundaries lie. Understanding this often misunderstood feeling is vital to helping your children/teens better understand themselves and learn healthy ways to manage their intense feelings. 

Everyone can face challenges with feeling overcome by anger. Your child/teen may slam the bedroom door as they refuse to tell you what is happening and why they are so upset. You may also hear from a teacher that your child/teen has been aggressive or said something hurtful to another student. Anger may cover hurt, humiliation, fear, and stress. It may also mask guilt, shame, grief, or envy. Or, it could be the tip of an iceberg of a submerged mass of frustration.  As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in helping your child/teen connect to a greater understanding of their experience as they learn to identify their feelings and needs better.

Whether your eleven-year-old breaks down in frustration over trying to complete math homework or your thirteen-year-old yells after not being allowed to attend an unsupervised party, anger, and its many accompanying feelings can become regular challenges if you don’t help your child/teen create plans and strategies for coping with and making space for these big emotions. 

Today, in the short term, learning to manage anger can create

●      a sense of confidence in your child/teen that they can regain calm and focus

●      trust in each other that you and your child/teen have the competence to make space for a range of feelings in healthy ways and

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in self-control and managing feelings and

●      builds assertive communication to communicate needs and boundaries critical for keeping them healthy and safe

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen manage anger and builds essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

You can get your child/teen thinking about ways to make constructive choices about their behaviors when angry by asking them open-ended questions when your child/teen is calm. You’ll help prompt your child’s/teen’s thinking. You and your child/teen will also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to coping with their anger so that you can both address them. In gaining input, your child/teen 

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset is anger-related

●      can think through and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve thought through and designed themselves, and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and

●      will be working with you on making decisions (and understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

●      Be curious about your child’s/teen’s feelings. You might start by asking questions.

○      “How do you know when you are angry?” 

○      “What are some common things that make you angry?”       

○      “How can you tell when someone is angry with you? And what happens to you when someone is angry with you?”

●      Use your best listening skills! Remember, what makes a parent angry can differ significantly from what angers a child/teen. Listen closely to what concerns your child/teen most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. You will know you are in your best listening state if you are genuinely curious about your child’s/teen’s point of view. 

●      Reflect or paraphrase back what you hear. For example, if your child/teen says, “I’m so mad at my friend; he picked all my friends but me for his team.” You could say, “So I hear that he picked all your friends but not you, and I imagine you felt left out.”          

●      If your child/teen gives you some evidence for your guesses, make guesses about other deeper feelings. Remember, these guesses are based on them, not you. You are naming something your child/teen is not saying. For example, you could say, “I imagine not feeling picked made you feel hurt as well. Is that right?”

●      Help your child/teen make the mind-body connection. Ask your child/teen, “What clues did your body give you that you were angry?” You can also say, “What are you feeling in your body now as you talk about it?”

Because intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, you may not consider their role and impact on your child/teen. Intense feelings can majorly influence the day and your relationship with your child/teen. Learning about what developmental milestones[4]  a child/teen is working on can help you better understand what your child/teen is going through and what might be contributing to anger or frustration.^2

●      Eleven-year-olds are trying to assert their independence by imagining themselves in adult roles. They may get angry if they feel that you are exerting control when they are attempting to push away from you. As they grow their social awareness - being able to better see from another person’s perspective - they also increase their worries about being liked, who’s “in” and who’s “out,” and excluding others to gain popularity. They may also get angry when excluded or embarrassed in front of peers.

●      Twelve-year-olds are gaining confidence and leadership abilities and are eager to figure out more serious adult issues and where they stand. With their growing social awareness, disturbing news and social issues could preoccupy them more than ever. They also have a lot of energy, yet they need their sleep, so they may have less resilience and find themselves more run down by stress, particularly when they have stayed up late. They may easily be edgy, moody, or angry as they deal with that stress.

●      Thirteen-year-olds can have worries related to their newly acquired body changes. They can be highly sensitive as they work to define their independent identity while still being dependent upon you. They will feel an ever-greater sense of peer pressure, and though they may be pushing you away, they also require your continued support and guidance, including your approval. These sensitivities can spur anger when they feel misunderstood and desire more freedom.

●      Fourteen-year-olds may act invincible, and like they know it all. Despite this, they still look to adults to set boundaries, negotiate rules, and listen to their needs. They are gaining interest in others as romantic partners and will have crushes, broken hearts, and worries related to relationships. They could get angry if embarrassed or rejected in front of peers, particularly crushes. They may enjoy academic challenges until they feel overwhelmed or underprepared. This fear of failure can lead to anger.

Remember that teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your child/teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

●      Learn together! Anger and hurt are essential messages to pay attention to. They mean emotional, social, or physical needs are unmet, or necessary boundaries (our rules or values) are violated. It’s important to ask, “Why am I feeling this way? What needs to change to feel better?” 

●      Parents or those in a parenting role can benefit from understanding how stress is processed in the body and brain to ask helpful questions about your child/teen and learn about their stress.  Anytime you are emotionally shaken from stress, fear, anxiety, anger, or hurt, you are functioning from the part of your brain that developed first -- the primal brain -- or amygdala. The amygdala responds to stress by fighting, fleeing, or freezing and serves to help us survive dangerous situations. While we rarely face tigers and bears in the wild, several everyday interactions can activate your and your child's/teen’s fight, flight or freeze response system. During these intense feelings, some chemicals wash over the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the part of our brain that allows for reasoning and problem-solving.

What does this mean as a parent or someone in a parenting role?  You may notice that once your child/teen is upset, it is difficult to get through to them, or nothing may help the situation. Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, refers to this as your child’s/teen’s  brain being “hijacked.”

^2 When the brain is hijacked and in a stress response, your attempts at resolving the situation with problem-solving, reasoning, bribes, or threats will do little to solve the current conflict or change your child's/teen’s behavior. Effective problem-solving requires logic, language, and creativity, though none can be well utilized when greatly upset. While in a stress response state, your child/teen cannot access the part of their brain, the prefrontal cortex, that engages in reasoning.

How can you help?  When your child/teen becomes dysregulated, the first step is to help them return to a calm space before problem-solving or correction. Remember, helping your child/teen calm down does not mean that you are condoning misbehavior. Correction can take place after your child/teen has calmed down. 

●      As a parent, yelling will not dissipate anger. Research confirms that the expression of aggression, whether it's yelling or hitting (including parents hitting, yelling, or spanking), exacerbates the anger.^3 Furthermore, if they see those methods used, your child/teen will learn to model those behaviors, such as yelling and hitting. Expressing your anger physically will also erode your child’s/teen’s trust in you.

●     Model behaviors and your child/teen will notice and learn.^4 Here are some ways to deal with your own upset or anger.

○      Create a plan for your self-regulation. This is critical so you’ll know exactly what you’ll say, where you’ll go to calm down, and what you’ll do and consider when calming down. Then, prepare your family so they understand your plan, will recognize it when they see it, and can learn from it.

○      Recognize your anger. This self-awareness can come from several cues. Take note of physical symptoms -- when they happen. It can cue you to calm down before choosing your next words or actions. Notice the signs, discuss what signs your child/teen notices, and take the following steps.

■      Breathe first. Slowing down your breathing helps with calming down. 

■      Walk outside. The fresh air helps you breathe better, and the natural surroundings instantly calm. 

■      Distract yourself. Research has found that distraction can help calm rage. Reading a book or listening to music can help. 

■      Write. Writing down your angry thoughts (versus ruminating about them) can allow you to reevaluate your situation. You can reframe it, look at it from another perspective, or search for the silver lining. Reflecting in your writing on what you can learn from the situation has a calming effect. 

●      Brainstorm coping strategies. Depending on what feels right, you and your child/teen can use numerous coping strategies. But, when you are angry and upset, recalling what will make you feel better can be difficult. That’s why brainstorming a list, writing it down, and keeping it ready can be useful when your child/teen needs it. Here are some ideas from Janine Halloran:^5 imagine your favorite place, take a walk, get a drink of water, take deep breaths, count to 50, draw, listen to music, and build something.  Use this as a modeling opportunity and make a list of coping skills you will use for yourself the next time you feel angry or frustrated.

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Parents and those in a parenting role sometimes must become feelings detectives. If your child/teen shuts down and refuses to tell you what’s happening, you must dig for clues. Identifying your feelings is necessary to become more self-aware and understand your needs.

●      Create a chill zone. During the time without pressures, design a “chill zone” or place where your child/teen decides they would like to go when upset to feel better. The only way this space serves as a tool for parents to promote their child's/teen’s self-management skills is if they allow their child/teen to self-select the chill zone. You can and should practice using it and gently remind them of it when they are upset. “Would your chill zone help you feel better?” you might ask. But, if that space is ever used as a punishment or a directive - “Go to your chill zone!” - the control lies with the parents and no longer with your child/teen, and the opportunity for skill building is lost. 

●      Design a plan. When you’ve learned what happens in your brain and body when anger takes over, you know you need a plan ready, so you don’t have to think in that moment. 

●      Teach your child/teen how to stop rumination. If you catch your child/teen uttering the same upsetting story more than once, your child’s/teen’s mind has hopped onto the hamster wheel of rumination. In these times, it can be challenging to let go. Talk to your child/teen about the fact that reviewing the same concerns over and over will not help them resolve the issue, but talking about them, calming down, and learning more might help. Setting a positive goal for change will help. Discuss what they can do when thinking through the same upsetting thoughts. 

●      Reflect on your child’s/teen’s anger so you can be prepared to help. When reflecting on your child’s/teen’s feelings, you can think about unpacking a suitcase. Frequently, layers of feelings need to be examined and understood, not just one. Anger might just be the top layer. So, after discovering why your child/teen was angry, you might ask about other layers. Was there hurt or a sense of rejection involved? Perhaps your child/teen feels embarrassed? Fully unpacking the suitcase of feelings will help your child/teen feel better understood by you as they become more self-aware. Ask yourself:

○      “What needs is my child/teen not getting met?” These needs can be emotional, like needing a friend to listen or give them attention, needing some alone time, or needing to escape a chaotic environment. 

○      “Can the issue be addressed by my child/teen alone, or do they need to communicate a need, ask for help, or set a boundary?” One of the hardest steps for many can be asking for help or drawing a critical boundary when needed. First, you’ll need to find out what those issues are in your reflections with your child/teen. But then, guiding them to communicate their needs is key. 

●      Help your child/teen repair harm when needed. A critical step in teaching your child/teen about managing anger is how to repair harm when they’ve become overcome by anger and hurt others. Mistakes are a...

First Paragraph: As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your eleven-year-old’s success. Helping your child understand and deal with bullying is essential for their success in life and school. One in five children experiences bullying, which can come in the form of repeated name-calling, insults, rumors, taunting, social exclusion, or physical harm.^

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s development and success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship while growing confidence in your child to work toward their goals and succeed in school and life.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and creating rules about alcohol helps establish the supportive conditions necessary for your child to deal with risk.

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are working to assert their independence while still being dependent on their parents or those in the parenting role. They will naturally test limits and break rules. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. 

Children and adults alike experience stress. Stress is the physical or mental response to an external trigger, such as a change in routine or being yelled at by a friend.  Feelings of stress are naturally built-in mechanisms for human survival and thriving. These feelings are the body’s way of warning you when there is danger and calling your attention to problems that need resolving. A stressor can be one-time or ongoing.  On the other hand, anxiety is the body’s reaction to stress and can occur even if there is no current threat. While all humans experience some anxiety, when worries and fears become persistent, they can begin to interfere with everyday life and impact your child’s health.  As a parent or those in a parenting role, you can help your child learn to identify and manage their stress -- an important skill they will use throughout their lives.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in helping your child/teen develop empathy. Empathy is the way people effectively relate to one another. It’s the ability to perceive what others are feeling, process that information, and respond in a compassionate manner. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship while growing your child’s/teen’s capacity for empathy from the time they are born all the way through their teen years. Empathy is essential for your child/teen to experience happy healthy relationships because it allows for emotional connection to others beginning early with family and friends and extending as they develop into successful school, work, social, and even romantic relationships.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship, and daily routines provide a perfect opportunity.