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116 - Are Selfishness Or Selflessness My Only Options?
Annaliese and Alan unpack how the fear of “being selfish” can quietly keep you stuck, overextended, or disconnected from your own needs. They'll talk you through rethinking what selfishness actually means so you can stop letting guilt or limiting beliefs drive your choices. Instead of living anxiously trying to avoid being selfish, you’ll learn how to grow a more grounded sense of selfhood (believing you matter too!), as you set yourself up with healthier decisions, stronger boundaries, and willingness to show up with mutual care for yourself and others.
You’ll Hear About:
Rethinking selfishness: Worrying about becoming selfish can block growth and change you can tell you need. If your current way of living feels draining or limiting, ask yourself—where is your definition of selfishness possibly holding you back from choosing what you need?
Noticing imbalance: The way you view yourself is shaping how you live. Are you usually over-prioritizing others or only focusing on yourself? Growing your self-awareness helps you spot your default pattern, see how you're getting in your own way, and grow into the kind of person you truly want to be.
Choosing selfhood on purpose: If you don’t redefine selfishness intentionally, you'll probably default to minimizing your needs until you feel burned out on your own life. You can find a healthier way by practicing small, meaningful steps toward honoring and supporting yourself while letting go of guilt. What would it look like to build real selfhood instead of just avoiding being “selfish”?
Your Free Coaching Call:
Ready for personalized support? Visit www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to book your free 1-hour Discovery Chat and take your next step forward:
SELFISH - SELFLESS - SELFHOOD Comparison Chart
SELFISH
SELFHOOD
SELFLESS
My wants and needs always come first.
Stating my needs helps me forge healthy relationships.
My wants and needs don't matter.
I pursue what I want - no matter who gets hurt.
Develop my God-given talents in a mindful way is one of my most important responsibilities.
I bury my talents - even when it hurts me.
I only advocate for my own needs. I don't defer to others.
I consider my own needs and the needs of others, even when it's challenging.
I never state my needs. I pretty much always defer to others.
In my relationship with God and others, I'm mainly thinking, "How can I get what I want here?"
I practice giving and receiving with God, others, and myself.
I work hard for God and others - I don't know how to receive.
QUIZ:
AM I AVOIDING SELFISHNESS OR BUILDING SELFHOOD?
Selfhood, not selflessness, is the antidote when you don’t want to end up becoming selfish. It’s the practice of beginning to view and treat yourself and others as mutually worth prioritizing and supporting. Answer each of the following questions honestly about how you tend to show up in relationships or situations in your life right now. Your goal isn’t judgement, it’s to build awareness first, then be able to build a healthier perspective, one small experiment at a time. (A’s are in the Selfish category - B’s are in the Selfhood category - C’s are in the Selflessness category)
1. When a decision affects both you and someone else, what happens first?
A. I decide based on what I want, and factor them in (or not) afterward.
B. I notice what I want, then what they might need, and make a choice weighing both.
C. I immediately default to what they’d prefer, before I check in with myself (if I even do).
2. When someone offers you care, support, or a compliment, what do you do?
A. I accept it with some feelings of entitlement. I expect people to show up when I need it.
B. I receive it with gratitude. I both appreciate that others gave to me, and feel worthy of receiving kindness or help.
C. I deflect, minimize, or immediately try to return the favor - receiving feels very uncomfortable.
3. When you have a need or preference in a relationship, what usually happens?
A. I state it and expect it to be met. It’s not really a question.
B. I name it - knowing it might not be met in the way I picture - and stay open to the response.
C. I either don’t say it, or apologize for even having it before I finish saying my thought.
4. After tension or a hard moment, where does your attention go first?
A. To defending myself, pushing my point, or dismissing the other person and moving on.
B. To understanding better what happened - for both of us.
C. To wondering what I did wrong and trying to fix it for them.
View all episodes
By Annaliese SeabornAnnaliese and Alan unpack how the fear of “being selfish” can quietly keep you stuck, overextended, or disconnected from your own needs. They'll talk you through rethinking what selfishness actually means so you can stop letting guilt or limiting beliefs drive your choices. Instead of living anxiously trying to avoid being selfish, you’ll learn how to grow a more grounded sense of selfhood (believing you matter too!), as you set yourself up with healthier decisions, stronger boundaries, and willingness to show up with mutual care for yourself and others.
You’ll Hear About:
Rethinking selfishness: Worrying about becoming selfish can block growth and change you can tell you need. If your current way of living feels draining or limiting, ask yourself—where is your definition of selfishness possibly holding you back from choosing what you need?
Noticing imbalance: The way you view yourself is shaping how you live. Are you usually over-prioritizing others or only focusing on yourself? Growing your self-awareness helps you spot your default pattern, see how you're getting in your own way, and grow into the kind of person you truly want to be.
Choosing selfhood on purpose: If you don’t redefine selfishness intentionally, you'll probably default to minimizing your needs until you feel burned out on your own life. You can find a healthier way by practicing small, meaningful steps toward honoring and supporting yourself while letting go of guilt. What would it look like to build real selfhood instead of just avoiding being “selfish”?
Your Free Coaching Call:
Ready for personalized support? Visit www.linktree.com/coachannaliese to book your free 1-hour Discovery Chat and take your next step forward:
SELFISH - SELFLESS - SELFHOOD Comparison Chart
SELFISH
SELFHOOD
SELFLESS
My wants and needs always come first.
Stating my needs helps me forge healthy relationships.
My wants and needs don't matter.
I pursue what I want - no matter who gets hurt.
Develop my God-given talents in a mindful way is one of my most important responsibilities.
I bury my talents - even when it hurts me.
I only advocate for my own needs. I don't defer to others.
I consider my own needs and the needs of others, even when it's challenging.
I never state my needs. I pretty much always defer to others.
In my relationship with God and others, I'm mainly thinking, "How can I get what I want here?"
I practice giving and receiving with God, others, and myself.
I work hard for God and others - I don't know how to receive.
QUIZ:
AM I AVOIDING SELFISHNESS OR BUILDING SELFHOOD?
Selfhood, not selflessness, is the antidote when you don’t want to end up becoming selfish. It’s the practice of beginning to view and treat yourself and others as mutually worth prioritizing and supporting. Answer each of the following questions honestly about how you tend to show up in relationships or situations in your life right now. Your goal isn’t judgement, it’s to build awareness first, then be able to build a healthier perspective, one small experiment at a time. (A’s are in the Selfish category - B’s are in the Selfhood category - C’s are in the Selflessness category)
1. When a decision affects both you and someone else, what happens first?
A. I decide based on what I want, and factor them in (or not) afterward.
B. I notice what I want, then what they might need, and make a choice weighing both.
C. I immediately default to what they’d prefer, before I check in with myself (if I even do).
2. When someone offers you care, support, or a compliment, what do you do?
A. I accept it with some feelings of entitlement. I expect people to show up when I need it.
B. I receive it with gratitude. I both appreciate that others gave to me, and feel worthy of receiving kindness or help.
C. I deflect, minimize, or immediately try to return the favor - receiving feels very uncomfortable.
3. When you have a need or preference in a relationship, what usually happens?
A. I state it and expect it to be met. It’s not really a question.
B. I name it - knowing it might not be met in the way I picture - and stay open to the response.
C. I either don’t say it, or apologize for even having it before I finish saying my thought.
4. After tension or a hard moment, where does your attention go first?
A. To defending myself, pushing my point, or dismissing the other person and moving on.
B. To understanding better what happened - for both of us.
C. To wondering what I did wrong and trying to fix it for them.