Do you own a comfortable sofa?  You’d better make sure you do.  For many new dads, a comfortable sofa is as essential as the crib in your new baby’s nursery—especially for those dads who don’t have the good sense to learn quickly what to never say to your wife. 

Navigating your way through the uncharted waters of new fatherhood can be treacherous.  You’ve left the bliss of being the center of your wife’s world, and you’ve entered a new dimension where you are a distant second—at least for a while. 

If you can understand one thing, above all else, you should be able to keep nights on the sofa to a minimum.  That one thing is...as confusing as new fatherhood is, a new mom is just as confused, just as scared, and just as insecure as you are.  GO EASY ON HER! 

Let’s talk about some of the things you, as a new dad, are going to be tempted to say to the mother of your new baby.  Notice I didn’t say you might be tempted to utter these brainless comments.  These thoughts will enter your mind.  Every new dad has felt the urge to say them.  However, the key to your spinal health will depend on your ability to bite your tongue, to swallow your words, to count to 10 before you speak.  Your back and your sofa will thank you.  Here we go: 

Babe, you look tired.  Why don’t you take a nap, and I’ll babysit?  While this does demonstrate that you are trying to be there for your wife, let’s get one thing straight:  Dads don’t babysit!  A dad is every bit as much a parent as a mom is.  Don’t act like you’re doing your wife some huge favor by simply fulfilling your fatherly role. 

That’s not how my mother used to do that.  OK.  Do we even need to talk about this one?  In most cases, the last thing your wife wants is to be compared to your mother.  Just don’t do it. 

Can you please stop that #$@&%* baby from crying?  A better question is, can you?  Why would you assume it’s your wife’s job to make the baby happy?  You’re both in this together, and chances are, she has heard the crying enough that she has become immune to its effect.  Give her a break. 

Have you seen Jennifer lately?  Wow!  She looks like she was never even pregnant.  If you’re dumb enough to make comments about another woman’s post-pregnancy body, you deserve the sofa. 

When is your mom going to go back home?  This is a quick way to incur the wrath of both your wife, AND her mother.  Trust me, when your wife is tired of her mother hanging around, she will let her know.  Until that happens, you need to understand that more than likely, she is desperately relying on her mother to help her learn the ropes of new motherhood.  Allow her all the time with that help as she needs. 

What do you do all day?  It’s a common misconception among many new dads that a new mom’s day at home with the new baby is all fun, relaxation, and naps.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  A baby is a full-time job.  When the baby is awake, he/she requires her constant attention.  And during those blessed moments when she can get the baby to take a short nap, her time is often spent trying to catch up on all the other tasks you might feel tempted to complain about later.  The reality is, your day at work is likely much more relaxing than your wife’s day at home with the bab

Should you be eating all that?  No new dad is this clueless, right?  Enough said. 

Honey, can you get up with the baby?  You have all day to sleep tomorrow, and I have to go to work.  See #6…and then don’t ever think this again! 

When did the doctor say you could start exercising again?  Listen, genius.  No one is more aware of the toll her pregnancy took on her body than a new mom is.  If she wanted your opinion, she’d ask for it.  A woman’s body goes through some amazing changes during pregnancy.  Your job is to embrace the changes,