The UNcivilized Podcast with Traver Boehm

Most men are taught to look outside themselves for purpose: a bigger paycheck, a better title, more status, more proof.

Amir Khalighi sees it differently. The signal gets clearer when you stop looking out and start paying attention to what keeps calling you inward.

Amir is the founder of Embodied Masculine and has worked with men for more than three decades. In this conversation, we get into what it means to know your post, why purpose has more to do with responsibility than personal success, and what happens when the life you built no longer matches the life you feel called to live.

Amir also shares the experience in his late forties that changed the direction of his life. We talk about initiation, strength, the King archetype, brotherhood, the cost of secrecy and isolation, and why every man needs people he can tell the truth to.

And yes, I tell the ridiculous story of how one cop, McDonald’s burritos, and a men’s group in Brooklyn somehow helped create Man UNcivilized.

Men, come train with us in The UNcivilized Nation:

https://www.manuncivilized.com/thenation

Connect with Amir:

Website: https://embodiedmasculine.com/

Transpersonal Facilitation Method: https://transpersonalfacilitation.com/

Instagram: @khalighi

Chapters

00:00 Meet Amir Khalighi

01:09 Before the Turning Point

03:09 Self-Initiation and Learning to Be a Man

04:06 Following the Tug of the Heart

07:28 How Man UNcivilized Was Born

11:52 The Wound Beneath the Gift

14:00 Purpose Means Knowing Your Post

16:01 Stop Looking Outside Yourself

19:25 Strength, Power, and the King Archetype

23:31 Getting Out of Your Head

27:43 Going Inward Instead of Up and Out

31:18 What Purpose Looks Like in Daily Life

36:26 Men Need Men They Can Call at 3 A.M.

39:35 Why Men Lose Access to Expression

42:16 The Experience That Changed Amir’s Life

50:02 Where to Find Amir

Every man has parts of himself he may not particularly like admitting are there.

Aggression. Dominance. The desire to hunt, take, compete, capture, or exert power.

Recently, someone asked me how I deal with what I’d call my own inner predator or dark masculine.

My answer starts here:

I acknowledge that it exists.

Because pretending those parts aren’t there doesn’t make them disappear. What we suppress has a way of coming out sideways.

In this solo episode, I talk about what it means to actually be in relationship with those darker parts of myself and give them healthy, skillful, consensual ways to breathe.

For me, that looks like jiu-jitsu. Hunting. Writing. Building a business. Getting onstage. Shibari. Kink.

The specific activity isn’t really the point.

The point is knowing what lives inside you and finding ways for it to exist without destroying your life or hurting the people around you.

Full expression doesn’t mean acting on every impulse.

It means taking responsibility for all of who you are.

Men, come train with us in The UNcivilized Nation:

https://www.manuncivilized.com/thenation

Join me for the Embodied Dominant Workshop on October 11:

https://www.manuncivilized.com/dominance

CHAPTERS

00:00 How I Deal With My Inner Predator

00:40 Every Man Has Two Predators

02:26 Step One: Acknowledge It

04:33 Step Two: Be in Relationship With It

06:58 Healthy Ways to Express Your Dark Parts

09:24 Freedom Through Full Expression

10:13 When Power Comes Out Sideways

10:47 Three Questions to Ask Yourself

How do you practice dominance when you’re single and don’t have a partner to practice with?

The answer has a lot less to do with flirting than you might think.

In this short Q&A, Coral Osborne and I break down why dominance starts with everyday interactions: creating connection, taking initiative, paying attention to how people respond, and learning how to lead without needing anything in return.

You can get reps talking to the cashier at the supermarket. Meeting someone new. Starting a conversation. Holding a door. Asking one more question instead of staring at your wallet.

And underneath all of that is the bigger practice:

Do you lead yourself?

Do you go to the gym when you say you will? Do you keep the commitments you make to yourself? Do your actions match the man you say you are?

Because dominance isn’t something you suddenly switch on in the bedroom.

It starts with how you carry yourself everywhere else.

Want to train this with Coral and me?

36th Chamber Intensives:

https://traverboehm.com/36-intensive

36th Chamber Year-Long Program:

https://traverboehm.com/36

Chapter

00:00 How to Practice Dominance While Single

01:00 Practice Connection Everywhere

02:18 Get Your Reps Before the Date

03:10 Dominance Starts at Home

04:02 Start With Low-Stakes Risks

04:37 Dominance Is Also in Service

05:23 Practice Taking Initiative

Jeremy Goldberg is back on the podcast with a book he spent five years trying not to write.

A Giraffe Named Feelings is a memoir about the parts of his life he spent years avoiding, numbing, or simply not knowing how to talk about.

We get into his parents’ divorce, his mom’s alcoholism, his own relationship with alcohol and drugs, getting cheated on, sobriety, and what happened when he finally let his parents read the stories he had written about them.

We also talk about writing from the wound versus writing from the scar, why abstinence became easier than moderation, and what betrayal actually takes from you beyond the relationship itself.

And we end with one of my favorite stories in the book: Jeremy returning to his childhood home decades later and finding his six-year-old handprint still pressed into the concrete.

Men, come train with us in The UNcivilized Nation:

https://www.manuncivilized.com/thenation

Get A Giraffe Named Feelings:

https://substack.com/home/post/p-192337555

CHAPTERS:

00:00 Jeremy Goldberg Returns

02:45 A Giraffe Named Feelings

08:38 The Book He Tried Not to Write

11:56 The Story Behind A Giraffe Named Feelings

16:39 What His Parents’ Divorce Meant at Six

22:14 Letting His Parents Read the Book

27:14 Do You Have the Right to Tell Your Story?

30:05 Why He Couldn’t Ignore the Book

37:54 Writing From the Wound vs. the Scar

42:37 Confronting His Own Substance Use

47:29 When Drinking Is Just What Everyone Does

48:14 Awareness, Acceptance, and Action

53:34 Traver on Quitting Alcohol

58:31 What Being Cheated On Does to a Man

01:02:51 What He Wishes Someone Had Told Him

01:06:07 Heartbreak as an Opportunity

01:08:54 The Grief of Losing a Future Together

01:10:28 Returning to His Childhood Home

A woman can feel when your words and your motive don’t match.

And according to sexologist Coral Osborne, that disconnect matters far more than whether you know the right positions, techniques, or lines to say.

Coral joins me for a conversation about sexual honesty, desire, boundaries, aftercare, and one of the most important skills I didn’t learn until much later in life: attunement.

We talk about what Coral calls the “clean taker,” why hiding your sexual desire can actually make you feel less safe to a woman, and why great sex has far more to do with presence, communication, curiosity, and being able to handle the answer “no” than most men have been taught.

We also break down the RBDSMA framework, what aftercare actually looks like, why men need sexual boundaries too, and the difference between being sexually aggressive and being a grounded man who knows what he wants.

Better sex is part of the conversation.

But this is really about becoming a man who can tell the truth, pay attention, own his desires, respect someone else’s, and stay grounded regardless of the answer.

Want to train this with Coral and me?

36th Chamber Intensives:

https://traverboehm.com/36-intensive

36th Chamber Year-Long Program:

https://traverboehm.com/36

Chapters

00:00 Meet Coral Osborne

02:55 Why Traver Came Back to Sexuality

06:08 The Freedom on the Other Side of Shame

09:44 Sex Is More Than Sex

13:34 What Women Say They’re Missing

18:32 Being Safe AND Wild

23:20 When Your Words Don’t Match Your Motive

26:54 What Is a “Clean Taker”?

31:31 The RBDSMA Framework

35:37 Why Aftercare Matters

45:06 What Attunement Actually Means

49:54 What Great Sex Is Really Made Of

53:38 Men Need Boundaries Too

About a year ago, I typed “Shibari” into Spotify because I needed something better to tie people to than my liked songs — which are basically 80s music, Metallica, and the Little Drummer Boy.

A playlist called Chiara Shibari popped up. I used it for the next year with absolutely no idea Chiara was an actual human being.

Then I found Julieta Chiara on Substack and had the very mature realization: Oh shit. It’s her.

Julieta is a submissive mentor and Shibari master who’s been in the kink lifestyle for ten years. We get into what kink changed for her outside the bedroom, why being sexually met is very different from simply having good sex, and why dominance can be an incredibly vulnerable thing for men to explore.

We also talk about shame, submission, consent, power, rope, what it means to feel fully accepted by another person, and why Julieta sees kink less as something broken people do and more as a way to play with parts of ourselves we don’t usually get to explore.

Then we get into containment — what it actually means to be with someone who can handle all of you — and why Julieta’s experiences in kink have become one of the closest things she has to spirituality.

And then, naturally, we end up talking about God.

If you’ve ever had a desire you couldn’t explain, judged yourself for wanting, or tried to make smaller so somebody else would be more comfortable — this one’s for you.

——

👉 Men, come train with us in The UNcivilized Nation:

https://www.manuncivilized.com/thenation

——

Connect with Julieta:

Website: https://www.julietachiara.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/julietachiara/

Substack: https://substack.com/@julietachiara

Connect with Traver:

Website: https://www.manuncivilized.com

Substack: https://traverboehm.substack.com

Instagram: @traverboehm

Get my books: https://www.manuncivilized.com/books

CHAPTERS:

00:00 How Traver Found Julieta Through a Shibari Playlist

02:34 Meet Julieta: The Sub Who Ties

05:25 How Julieta Found Kink

10:58 “My Soul Is Kinky”: What Changes Outside the Bedroom

17:31 Kink Is Play

22:07 The Sub Who Tops

28:06 Intimacy Without Sex

32:18 What It Means to Be Sexually Met

36:54 The Grief of Finally Getting What You Want

43:22 Why Dominance Can Be Vulnerable for Men

46:55 Consent, Collaboration, and Learning to Lead

51:24 What Containment Actually Means

56:35 Sex, Power, and Spirituality

Most of us say we want peace. Then the second we actually touch it, some part of us starts looking for a problem.

Brea Segger and I talk about why real transformation doesn’t always need a breakdown, a breakthrough, or a giant emotional release. We get into the exhaustion that comes from trying to be someone you’re not, why loneliness can exist even when you’re surrounded by people, and what happens when you stop looking outside yourself for somebody to fix you.

We also talk about alcohol and distraction, our relationship with nature, the differences Brea sees in how men and women process change, and why twenty minutes of doing absolutely nothing might tell you more about yourself than another year of searching for answers.

Brea and I are leading Deep Waters together in Nosara, Costa Rica this November.

Learn more:

https://www.traverboehm.com/deepwaters

——

👉 Men, come train with us in The UNcivilized Nation:

https://www.manuncivilized.com/thenation

——

Connect with Brea:

Website: https://www.breasegger.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/breasegger/

Connect with Traver:

Website: https://www.manuncivilized.com

Substack: https://traverboehm.substack.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/traverboehm/

Get my books: https://www.manuncivilized.com/books

Chapters

00:00 Who Is Brea Segger?

03:29 Brea’s Childhood and Feeling Like Something Was Wrong

06:48 When the Outside World Doesn’t Match What You Feel Inside

10:41 Why Brea Doesn’t Call Herself a Mystic

14:14 Alcohol as Distraction and Avoidance

20:55 Why Being Okay Can Feel Unsafe

26:15 Does Transformation Need a Big Breakthrough?

29:18 What Actually Happens When Brea Works With Someone

33:05 Why We’re So Exhausted

36:23 Why So Many People Feel Lonely

39:31 What Does “Soul” Mean?

41:34 How Men and Women Process Change Differently

44:17 Stop Looking Outside Yourself for Answers

45:57 Can You Do Nothing for 20 Minutes?

48:20 What Five Days Alone Taught Traver

50:56 Deep Waters and Closing

At twelve years old, Tanya Marie Dubé left home with $18.

For the next several years, she moved between friends' houses, church bathrooms, cars, closets, and the street while trying to finish school. She learned how to read a room, anticipate danger, handle everything herself, and do whatever needed to be done to get through to the next day.

Those skills helped her survive.

The problem is that survival strategies don't always disappear when the danger does.

In this episode, Tanya and I get into what she calls the five survival identities — the hyper-independent, the performer, the pleaser, the caretaker, and the invisible one — and how the versions of ourselves that once kept us safe can eventually become the same versions keeping us stuck.

We also get into something I see all the time with high achievers: checking every damn box and still wondering why success doesn't feel like enough. What happens when slowing down feels more dangerous than working harder? Can you actually feel satisfied without losing your ambition? And how do you tell the difference between genuinely trying to survive and continuing to live like you still have to?

This one's about the identities we build to survive, what happens when they outlive their usefulness, and what it takes to stop dragging them into the rest of our lives.

——

👉 Men, come train with us in The UNcivilized Nation:

https://www.manuncivilized.com/thenation

——

Tanya's 5-Day Identity Challenge: https://identity-collapse-challenge.com/

Connect with Tanya:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tanyamariedubeofficial/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tanyamariedube/

Connect with Traver:

Website: https://www.manuncivilized.com

Substack: https://traverboehm.substack.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/traverboehm/

Get my books: https://www.manuncivilized.com/books

CHAPTERS

00:00 Tanya's Return to Acting

02:06 What Is a Survival Identity?

08:27 Leaving Home at 12 With $18

13:42 How Survival Becomes an Identity

18:16 The Five Survival Identities

20:22 Do Men and Women Have Different Survival Identities?

23:18 Step One: Notice What's Not Working

27:57 Why Success Still Doesn't Feel Like Enough

35:15 Can You Be Driven and Still Be Satisfied?

41:26 What If You're Actually Just Trying to Survive?

51:07 Tanya's 5-Day Identity Challenge

53:28 What Does "Soul-Led" Actually Mean?

I left my suitcase on an airplane, sprinted through a Houston terminal, and blew out both calves in the process. That was day one of seven weeks in Costa Rica — and it was just the beginning of the jungle trying to teach me something.

In this solo episode, I'm sharing three lessons I brought back from Costa Rica — through injuries, a viral post about men's mental health, and a free diving course that scared the hell out of me.

Lesson one — slow the hell down, even when everything in you wants to move at full speed.

Lesson two — how you talk to yourself matters more than almost anything else, and why I made a promise to myself back in 2016 that I still keep today.

Lesson three — what free diving 15 meters underwater taught me about the power of a single thought, and how fast it can change everything happening in your body.

If you've ever felt like you're moving too fast to hear what's actually going on inside you — this one's for you.

——

Men, come train with us in The UNcivilized Nation

——

Connect with Traver:

Website

Substack

Instagram: @traverboehm

Get my books

Chapter List

00:00 Flight Chaos and Injuries in Costa Rica

06:00 Lesson One: Slow the Hell Down

07:37 Lesson Two: Speak Kindly to Yourself

11:42 Lesson Three: The Power of a Single Thought

17:12 Costa Rica Recap and What's Next

Sasha Cobra spent her twenties pouring drinks at a private cocktail bar in San Francisco — sober, vegan, healthy, and getting paid well to serve people poison. Then one Saturday morning in Golden Gate Park, she closed her eyes and saw herself doing something else entirely. She called her boss from a tea house that same afternoon and quit. She never went back.

That decision started a twenty-year path that's led her to work with thousands of people around the world on sexuality, trauma, and healing. In this episode, she and I get into what she calls Love, Truth, and Eros — three words that sound simple until you actually try to live them. Why she believes love isn't a feeling but a regulated nervous system. Why almost nobody you've ever met actually operates from truth. And why she thinks the most repressed, most misunderstood part of being human might also be the most healing.

This one goes into the body, sexuality, and trauma — and we don't tiptoe around any of it.

——

👉 Men, come train with us in The UNcivilized Nation

——

Connect with Sasha:
Website
Community
Instagram

Connect with Traver:
Website
Substack
Instagram: @traverboehm
Get my books

CHAPTERS:

00:00 Love, Truth, and Eros: The Framework

06:58 Personal Truth vs. Societal Lies

16:59 Masculine and Feminine Energy

22:15 What Eros Really Means

32:35 Coming Back to the Body

34:23 Releasing Emotion Through the Body

42:39 Facing Emotional Overwhelm

45:57 Lovemaking as Medicine

51:48 Living in a Different Paradigm

58:51 Why No Teacher Has It All Figured Out

01:01:34 Sasha's Story: Quitting the Nightclub, Finding Her Path

01:12:41 Social Media: Tool or Poison

01:18:33 Building Community, Wrapping Up