Lately, we’ve been hearing from so many of you in our DMs. People are telling us they feel guilty wanting pleasure. Ashamed for craving closeness.

Disconnected from their bodies and their partners because the world feels overwhelming, violent, and unstable.

Others have told us they know their relationship matters, but caring about their sex life feels hard when so much is happening globally.

Many of you feel less present, less motivated, and more anxious, and it’s showing up directly in your connection.

In today’s episode, we’re talking about what to do when the weight of the world makes intimacy feel impossible.

This conversation is not about ignoring reality.

It’s about learning how to stay grounded, emotionally available, and connected so you can actually show up for your life, your values, and your relationship.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

How constant exposure to distressing news and social media keeps your nervous system stuck in survival mode.

Why stress and anxiety don’t just affect your mood, but directly impact desire, arousal, and presence.

The moral pressure many people feel to put their relationship on pause during hard times.

Holding awareness of the world while still caring for your relationship.

How physical connection helps regulate your nervous system and bring you back into your body.

Simple ways to shift from overwhelm to meaningful, local connection and action.

Practical rituals for staying connected when everything feels heavy.

Why staying close to your partner can actually make you more effective and resilient.

If you’ve been wondering how to care about your relationship when things feel dark or hopeless, this episode is for you.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Testosterone is one of those topics that feels loaded.

It’s tangled up in masculinity, aging, sex drive, energy, mood… and a whole lot of misinformation. Because of that, many men quietly wonder if something is off — but feel embarrassed, unsure, or afraid to even ask the question.

So today, we’re having a very real conversation.

In this episode, Xander is sharing his personal testosterone journey — what made him start asking questions, the concerns he had before doing anything, what the actual process looked like, and how it’s impacted everything from his energy and mood to sex and our relationship.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

The early symptoms that made Xander realize something wasn’t right.

Why sobriety played a surprising role in recognizing his baseline energy.

What functional medicine actually is (and how it differs from traditional care).

Why many men never get tested for testosterone through primary care.

The problem with “normal” testosterone ranges in the U.S.

What lifestyle changes he tried first — and why they weren’t enough.

The different treatment options (creams, Clomid, injections) and how each felt.

What it’s really like to inject testosterone.

How his testosterone levels changed over time.

What it actually costs — and whether insurance covers it.

Honest answers to the most common fears and side effects.

We get into the stuff men are usually too embarrassed to ask out loud.

This isn’t medical advice. It is one person’s honest experience navigating low testosterone, functional medicine, and treatment options — the good, the uncomfortable, and the unexpected.

🔗 Links & Resources

✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR

==========================

Use code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% discount of the Tabu Sex Pillow ➡︎https://vmtherapy.com/pillow

If the thought of scheduling sex makes you cringe a little… we get that a lot.

You might be thinking..

“Ugh. That’s so unromantic.” or… “NOT hot.” or… “If we have to schedule it, something must be wrong with our relationship.”

We’re here to today to give you our hot take on our favorite controversial relationship topic. And yes… we’re going to try to change your mind.

In this episode, we’re breaking down the biggest myths about scheduling sex, what scheduled intimacy really means (and doesn’t mean), and the practical ways to make it feel exciting instead of like something else on your to-do list.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why “spontaneous sex” is one of the biggest myths we buy into.

How scheduling sex can actually reduce stress, pressure, and anxiety.

What scheduling can do for couples with mismatched desire (especially responsive desire).

Why having sex earlier in the evening can completely change your sex life.

How to build anticipation without feeling awkward or forced.

The “bare minimum” approach that makes sex dates feel doable (even on low-energy days).

Why taking turns leading sex dates helps both partners feel cared for.

The simple mindset shift that turns scheduling sex into something you look forward to.

Spoiler: scheduling sex doesn’t replace spontaneity. For many couples, it actually creates more of it.

✨ The Spark… because a little spark goes a long way

We just launched a $9/month digital drop for couples who want to stay connected, curious, and very into each other — without overthinking it.

Sweet dates. Spicy dates. Conversation starters. One new position each month. It’s kind of a no-brainer.

👉 Check out The Spark right here : vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

Most marriage regrets don’t show up as explosive fights. They show up quietly.

Feeling more like roommates than partners.

Wondering when sex started feeling complicated… or nonexistent.

Noticing resentment creeping in and asking yourself… “Is this just how marriage is supposed to feel?”

In today’s episode, we’re getting into the marriage regrets and mistakes people hold close to their chests… but rarely say out loud.

We’re sharing real stories pulled from Instagram, Reddit, and our own marriage, along with practical ways to prevent these regrets from becoming permanent patterns.

Whether you’re married, partnered, or thinking about your future relationship, this conversation is for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why not setting boundaries with extended family can quietly damage a marriage.

How rejection (real or imagined) can shut people down sexually — and what to do instead.

What happens when you lose your individual identity inside a relationship.

Why work, logistics, and kids so often crowd out connection.

How couples get stuck sexually when growth feels threatening instead of exciting.

Why ignoring sexual incompatibility doesn’t make it go away.

The underrated importance of fun — and what happens when it disappears.

And if this episode hits close to home, you’re not alone.

We’ve had moments of doubt in our own relationship — and one of the most helpful things we’ve learned is the power of intentionally hitting refresh together, especially at the start of a new year.

It’s not too late to join New Year, New Us: 21-Day Relationship Refresh.

You only need 5 minutes a day (with the option to go deeper if you want).

Here’s how it works:

Each week starts with a short audio lesson to set the theme.

You’ll get 21 daily reset questions — one per day — to reflect on individually, then share with your partner.

The focus is clarity, connection, and getting out of autopilot.

We break it down into 3 weeks, 3 focus areas:

Week 1: Reflect on the past year together.

Week 2: Connection refresh — design your dream relationship.

Week 3: Sex refresh — reignite desire and intimacy.

You can move at your own pace — and yes, you can still join.

👉 Sign up now at https://vmtherapy.com/newyear

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Penis performance issues are way more common than most people realize… and way more misunderstood than they need to be.

Today’s episode came straight from your questions — from trouble getting or keeping an erection, to finishing too quickly (or not at all), to the stress, shame, and “what does this mean about us?” thoughts that sneak in — we’re breaking it all down.

This episode is about understanding what’s happening, supporting your partner with compassion, and learning how to navigate these moments in a way that brings you closer — not further apart.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

What commonly causes penis performance issues — and why it’s rarely just one thing.

Whether long-term porn use can affect erection quality or performance.

If masturbating “too often” can actually create problems.

How stress, anxiety, and aging can impact erections (and why it’s not a personal failure).

The connection between low testosterone and ED — and how to navigate it when a partner refuses treatment.

Whether circumcision has any link to penis performance issues.

How to bring up concerns about ED with a partner who doesn’t seem to recognize there’s an issue.

What these challenges mean emotionally — and what they don’t say about attraction, masculinity, or your relationship.

How to approach the conversation with compassion instead of pressure or panic.

Taking the pressure off intercourse can help a lot. The Ultimate Foreplay Guides help couples expand what counts as sex, reduce performance anxiety, and build pleasure and connection (without relying on erections to lead the way).

It’s our #1 best-selling and best-reviewed guide for a reason.

Click right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

❤️ Ready to reconnect?

Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https:www.curehydration.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

It’s been a while since we last covered some of your funniest sex fails… and honestly, we forgot just how creative things can get when pants come off.

We asked, and you absolutely delivered by sending in your funniest, wildest, and most unfiltered stories. We’re diving straight into the deep end today — from the “I cannot believe this happened” moments to the genuine mishaps — and breaking down some of the most unhinged submissions you’ve ever sent our way.

So buckle up. This episode is proof that even the best intentions can take a sharp left turn into absolute chaos… and sometimes those are the moments you end up laughing about for years.

Melted chocolate + chest hair = a cautionary tale

Why clap-activated lights are not sexy (and definitely not practical)

The BJ that turned into a mouth-numbing emergency

The fully naked car hookup… in front of a VERY public bathroom

The New Year’s Eve drool + fart combo that took them out

Heating lube + a lost tampon = pure, fiery chaos

The condom that took a ride home and introduced itself to mom

A cowgirl concussion (yes, really)

If you’ve ever had a moment during sex that made you think, “Well… that was not the plan,” you’re in good company. These stories are a reminder that sex is messy, funny, human, and a whole lot less “perfect” than anyone admits.

Happy New Year!

❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

It’s officially that time of year when the New Year buzz is everywhere. Your feeds are full of fitness goals, habit resets, and “new year, new me” energy. And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel healthier or build new routines, this season also tends to stir up a lot of feelings about our bodies… especially when it comes to intimacy.

So today, we’re bringing back one of our most popular episodes ever — a conversation all about feeling confident in your own skin during sex. Whether you’re riding high on fresh-start motivation or feeling a little self-conscious with all the “improvement” talk around you, this one is your reminder that real confidence has nothing to do with the number on a scale or the size of your jeans.

In this re-air, we’re breaking down the actual tools and mindset shifts that help you feel present in your body, enjoy intimacy, and connect with your partner from a grounded, self-affirming place. Because you deserve to feel good in the body you have right now.

Why body confidence matters so much during intimacy

How cultural conditioning shapes the way we see our bodies in the bedroom

The most common body-related worries couples bring into sex

Simple mindset reframes that actually help you feel more confident

Practical tips for staying present instead of spiraling into self-criticism

How to talk to your partner about body insecurity (without killing the mood)

If you’re in a season where your relationship with your body feels complicated, you’re not alone. We hope this episode helps you feel a little more at home, a little more grounded, and a little more connected — to yourself and your partner.

❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS to get up to 20% off.And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

Text fights hit different.

There’s something about seeing the exact words—line by line, timestamped, impossible to deny—that makes communication breakdowns painfully clear.

In today’s episode, we’re breaking down a real text fight sent in by a community member. We walk through what went right, what went wrong, and where things quietly went off the rails long before anyone realized they were “arguing.”

This episode is packed with practical communication tips, emotional insight, and a few spicy takes you’ll probably want to steal for your own relationship.

Including one we know will ruffle feathers…

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why text fights escalate faster than in-person conversations.

What “having the receipts” actually teaches us about communication patterns.

How sexual disconnect shows up in everyday arguments (even when sex isn’t mentioned 👀).

The hidden expectations partners bring into conflict without realizing it.

Why “warming up” emotionally matters more than being technically right.

Our hot take on love languages — and how they’ve accidentally made some of us less than loving.

We also talk about how couples can reset these patterns without starting from scratch or turning every disagreement into a therapy-level conversation.

If you’ve ever reread a text exchange and thought, How did this blow up so fast? — this one’s for you.

🔥 NEW! The New Year, New Us: 21 Day Relationship Refresh

January tends to come with a lot of pressure to “fix” yourself.

But what if the thing that made everything else feel better… was your relationship?

New Year, New Us is a Deeper-member-only 21-day relationship refresh designed to help you reconnect without overthinking it.

Three weeks.

Five minutes a day.

Simple, sexy, and totally doable.

This is the gift you give each other when you want more “oh wow… we actually like each other again.”

Because when your relationship is better… everything else is too. ❤️

Join the Deeper membership now for $99/quarter (normally $129) or $247/year (normally $299) and unlock the entire New Year, New Us challenge, plus everything else inside Deeper.

👉 Join us at https://vmtherapy.com/newyear

🔗 Links + Resources

Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Laundry Sauce. Make laundry day the best day of the week! Get 20% off your entire order with code PILLOW ➡︎https://laundrysauce.com/pillow

👏Thanks Remi. Use code PILLOW at checkout for 55% off a new night guard plus a FREE foam gift that whitens your teeth and cleans your nightguard. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks HungryRoot. Use code pillow to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.. ➡︎https://Hungryroot.com/pillow

Every week on Instagram we host “Ask Us Anything” question boxes… and every week we’re hit with hundreds of incredible questions we can’t possibly get to in Stories.

So today we’re pulling back the curtain and taking some of those unanswered Qs and going deep — giving you the nuance, context, tips, reassurance, and real-talk sex ed you wish you got in health class.

This episode is a true mixed bag: libido, orgasm, aging, menstrual phases, mismatched styles, swelling, simultaneous orgasms… the works. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this normal?” the answer is probably in here.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why so many women have to learn how to orgasm with a partner — and why it’s not a flaw, it’s physiology

How to reframe partnered orgasm so it doesn’t feel like a chore, obligation, or “teaching job”

What to do if your sex styles don’t match (vanilla vs. rough, gentle vs. intense)

How libido changes throughout your menstrual cycle — and what to expect in each phase

Whether swelling of the labia or clitoris after sex is normal

Why “finishing at the same time” is so rare — and how to create more synced-up moments

Practical ideas for bringing your partner into growth without pressure, shame, or lectures

If you’ve ever felt confused, insecure, or alone with your questions, we hope this episode feels like a deep exhale. You deserve answers that make you feel seen, understood, and empowered in your sex life.

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS

00:00 — Intro

02:15 — Why do women often have to learn how to 0 with a partner?

20:03 — “My husband stopped initiating… how do we repair that?”

28:03 — Resentment in relationships (and what to do about it)

29:38 — Different secs styles: vanilla vs. rough — how to navigate the mismatch

42:05 — Desire + your menstrual phase (what’s actually normal)

46:42 — Is it normal to get swollen “down there”?

48:19 — How to finish at the same time

53:43 — Is it normal to feel uninterested after an 0?

56:15 — Can men feel when women 0 inside them?

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Chewy. Every pet deserves a wish come true. Send your pet's wish and it might become a reality ➡︎http://Chewy.com/ChewyClaus

👏Thanks Zocdoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. ➡︎http://Zocdoc.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair and skin with Blissy and use the code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. ➡︎http://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

👏Thanks StoryWorth. Give your loved ones a unique keepsake you’ll all cherish for years—Storyworth Memoirs! Right now, save $10 or more during their Holiday sale. ➡︎http://STORYWORTH.com/pillow

Having more sex isn’t actually about libido.

(We know — that’s what everyone thinks the issue is.)

In today’s episode, we’re breaking down what really gets in the way of wanting sex more often — and what you can do about it that doesn’t feel forced, pressured, or performative. We share the exact strategies we teach inside Deeper, all built around making connection feel easier, pleasure feel better, and intimacy feel more accessible in your day-to-day life.

Whether you’re feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, “too tired,” or stuck in a rut… there are clear, compassionate explanations for why sex feels harder right now — and genuinely doable steps to change that.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why communication is the foundation for great sex

How mental load obliterates desire (and what to do instead)

The connection between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy

How desire actually works — and why spontaneous desire is not the gold standard

The pleasure–desire link (and why better sex = wanting more sex)

What to try this week to create more connection and more turn-on

If you’re in a tough season, we hope this episode reminds you there’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship. There’s always a path back to connection, closeness, and pleasure.

Links & Resources

🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides

It’s time to stop guessing and start feeling confident in your technique! These guides show you exactly how to use your hands and mouth on your partner in ways that will BLOW. THEIR. MIND.

👉 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

✨ The Ultimate Sex Guide

Over forty tastefully illustrated sex positions with detailed, step-by-step instructions on how to get into, out of, and move in each position. Get ready for toe-curling, bedsheet-gripping, heart-opening experiences for BOTH of you!

👉 http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW. ➡︎https://www.oneskin.co/pillow

👏Thanks MasterClass. MasterClass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off. ➡︎http://masterclass.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cure Hydration. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why I love Cure. It's clean, tastes great, and actually works. ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Give the gift of everyday luxury this holiday season. Use my code PILLOWTALKS for up to 40% off — just be sure to place your order by December 12th for guaranteed Christmas delivery. Listening after the 12th? Don’t worry — my code still works year-round for 20% off. ➡︎https://cozyearth.com