You’ve probably heard people say, “Oh, you’ll just know.”

But what if… you don’t know? 👀

This week, we’re diving deep into one of Vanessa’s all-time favorite topics (and the one she first became known for as a sex therapist!): the female orgasm. Whether you’re wondering if you’ve ever actually had one, struggling to feel much of anything, or just desperate to experience the kind of toe-curling, body-melting release you’ve seen in movies — this episode is for you. 💦

We’re answering your most personal, vulnerable, and downright relatable questions like:

“How do I know if it was an orgasm ?”

“It felt good… but it was short — does that count?”

“Everyone says I’ll ‘just know’ but I’m still not sure. HELP.”

“I’ve only ever had ‘mini’ orgasms — is there something wrong with me?”

“What leg positions help or hurt the chance of orgasming?”

“Does a full bladder make orgasms feel stronger?”

“What does a vaginal orgasm even feel like and how do I know if I’ve had one?”

Vanessa also opens up about her own experience struggling with orgasm (yes, even as a sex therapist), what finally changed things, and the biggest myths that keep women stuck. And if you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, broken, or like you missed the memo on pleasure… this episode will remind you that you’re not alone — and there is a path forward.

✨ PLUS: If you’re a woman who’s struggled with orgasm (or never had one), check out our course Finishing School — the step-by-step system that’s helped thousands of women finally get there. Visit vmtherapy.com/orgasm to learn more.

The most common signs of orgasm (and why they can look different for every body)

Real questions from listeners who aren’t sure if they’ve had one yet

Why some orgasms feel big and some feel… meh

The orgasm “standard” we’ve all been sold by Hollywood

Practical tips for recognizing and expanding your pleasure

How Vanessa’s own orgasm journey inspired her to create Finishing School

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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You thought last week’s icks were bad? Buckle up, friend.

Because in Part 2, we’re getting into the next-level icks — the ones that make you question everything.

Like… oral sex immediately after intercourse. Or the dreaded dick flop. Or your partner’s casual approach to burping, farting, and forgetting what deodorant is.

These icks go way beyond open-mouth chewing.

We’re talking postpartum rage, peeing with the door open (or worse… the sound), and the surprisingly common hygiene habits that leave you wondering if love really can survive it all.

💛 Here’s what we’re serving up for you:

The hygiene ick that made one woman reconsider everything

Why flopping a penis around is not a valid form of initiation (seriously, stop)

Oral after sex: hot or gross?

Postpartum icks that no one warns you about

Peeing, poor aim, and other bathroom-related turn-offs

The financial icks that hit harder than expected

🎧 Basically, if you’ve ever looked at your partner and thought “ew”… this one’s for you. ‘Cause you know what? Sometimes laughing really is the best medicine.

🔗 Links & Resources

EPISODE 46: The Hygiene Episode ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode46

EPISODE 198: Stop Doing THIS If You Want More Sex ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode198

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Let’s be honest, everyone has an ick or two. But if you’re feeling more disconnected, more irritable, or less turned on than you’d like… it might be time to reconnect in a more intentional way.

Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you explore what really turns you on —mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’ll get access to our member library of courses and guides , plus live calls, date night ideas, and support from a like-minded community.

Because when you’re truly connected… the little things don’t ick you out as much.

👉 Join Deeper today. Because intimacy is the whole point. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You love your person… but lately… the sound of them chewing is making you cringe.

You’ve got the ICK. So what do you do? And what does it actually mean?!

This week, we’re breaking it all down for you plus what to do when your partner’s quirky habits suddenly feel like a total turnoff. 🤮

We’re also sharing your ick stories — from when baby talk stops being not cute to when dirty texts majorly backfire.

Whether you’re currently dry heaving on the inside… or worrying that you’re the one giving them the ick… this episode is full of perspective, permission, and practical advice.

The real definition of an ick (and how it’s different from a red flag)

What to do when your partner’s behavior starts killing your attraction

The most common icks (bad breath, loud chewing, weird toenail habits…)

Your funniest icks from Instagram (you did NOT hold back)

🎧 And don’t worry—we’ve got even more ick stories and questions coming next week in Part 2.

EPISODE 46: The Hygiene Episode ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode46

EPISODE 198: Stop Doing THIS If You Want More Sex ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode198

Let’s be honest, everyone has an ick or two. But if you’re feeling more disconnected, more irritable, or less turned on than you’d like… it might be time to reconnect in a more intentional way.

Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you explore what really turns you on —mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’ll get access to our member library of courses and guides , plus live calls, date night ideas, and support from a like-minded community.

Because when you’re truly connected… the little things don’t ick you out as much.

👉 Join Deeper today. Because intimacy is the whole point. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Does this sound familiar? Your partner asks you to take control in the bedroom… and your brain completely short-circuits.

You freeze. You feel awkward. You suddenly have no idea what to do.

If you’ve ever found yourself defaulting to passivity during intimacy—or if the idea of “being in control” feels totally foreign—you’re so not alone.

In today’s episode, we’re asking the question: Are you letting sx happen to you… or are you a active participant during it?

We’re also talking about this from a male perspective: What does it feel like to be the only one initiating or guiding? Do men want their partners more engaged—and what does that even look like?

Whether you’ve never taken the lead before, or you’re just looking to feel more empowered and participatory, this episode is your permission slip—and your how-to guide.

Let’s get into it.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

Why so many women default to passivity in the bedroom

What men actually think about women taking the lead

Questions to ask your partner to open up this convo

What “taking control” can look like—without the pressure

Simple ways to be more confident and engaged in the moment

🔗 Links & Resources

🔥 The Art of Initiation — our most-loved guide for learning how to confidently initiate intimacy →  http://vmtherapy.com/initiation

✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Does it ever feel like you and your partner are just never on the same page when it comes to sex?

One of you wants it more often. One of you needs things to be just right. One of you initiates. One of you never does. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a little bit lonely.

But there’s a good chance the issue isn’t actually about how much you want sex… it’s about how you want sex.

In today’s episode, we’re breaking down one of the most important tools we’ve ever shared: the two sex drive types.

If you’ve ever felt like your desire is broken—or that your partner just doesn’t “get” you—this conversation is about to change everything.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

The real difference between mental desire and physical arousal

What it means to be a Spontaneous vs. Responsive type

Why you’re not low desire… you just need a different kind of start

How to navigate mismatched sex drives without resentment

Why your type has nothing to do with gender (but the stats may surprise you)

How to initiate sex in a way that works for both of you

You’ll also hear a game-changing mindset shift that can help you stop taking it personally—and start working with your differences instead of against them.

Links & Resources

✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

✨ What’s your sex drive type?→ https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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This week, we’re diving into something that seems simple but holds a lot of power in your relationship: touch.

Whether it's a lingering hug, a soft shoulder squeeze, or just holding hands while watching Netflix — physical touch is one of the most important (and underrated) ways to build connection, intimacy, and trust.

But if you’ve found yourselves touching less — or if touch feels off somehow — you’re not alone. We asked our audience, and:

47% said they want more touch

37% said they want better touch

In this episode, we’re breaking down why touch is so essential — and why so many couples stop doing it. (Spoiler: it's not just about sex.) Plus, we’re giving you practical tools and one super simple free exercise (takes 5 minutes) to start reconnecting through touch today.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

The emotional and physical benefits of touch (for both of you)

Why “touch starvation” is real — even in long-term relationships

The surprising ways you may be unintentionally avoiding touch

The difference between sexual and non-sexual touch — and why both matter

What to do if your partner says “touch just isn’t my love language”

Quick, everyday ways to bring more affection into your relationship (no grand gestures required)

✨ Ready to explore all the ways to touch?

We created The Secret Touch Blueprint to help you and your partner reflect on what kinds of touch feel best to you — and how to talk about it together.

Grab it here → https://free.vmtherapy.com/touch-blueprint

And if doing that exercise leaves you thinking, “Wait… I want more of this,” you’ll love what’s coming next.

This July, we’re launching a 4-week Sensual Touch Challenge exclusively inside our Deeper membership.

It’ll walk you through 8 specific types of touch — from relaxing to arousing — with fun prompts, step-by-step videos, and guided exercises to try with your partner.

It’s designed to bring back the playfulness, the exploration, and the kind of touch that makes you feel again.

💥 Pillow Talks listeners get 25% off their first month of Deeper with code PILLOW → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

Links & resources:

👋🏻 The Secret Touch Blueprint →https://free.vmtherapy.com/touch-blueprint

💥 Join the Sensual Touch Challenge (starting July 7 inside Deeper) → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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Have you ever wanted a peek inside a man’s brain? 🧠

We’re back with Part 3 of one of our most talked-about episode series — answering all the burning, bizarre, and brutally honest questions you’ve always wanted to ask men.

This week, we’re diving into what men really think about everything from doggy style to aging to the internet daddy of the moment, Pedro Pascal.

What are men actually looking at during doggy style?

What do they think when they see a woman who’s prettier than their partner?

Is it true they can literally… think about nothing?

How do they feel about things like…

Women aging, messy buns, leg hair, and more

How do they stay so chill about daily life stuff (kid schedules, groceries, appointments)?

What really keeps them engaged in a relationship?

This one is honest, funny, and surprisingly vulnerable. And of course, Xander’s not holding back.

🔗 Links & Resources:

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 1 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode56

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 2 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode69

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

==========================

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Have you heard of The Bristle Reaction? It’s a term Vanessa coined—and when we posted about it on TikTok, over 8 million people watched. (You can watch that here 👉 https://www.tiktok.com/@vanessaandxander/video/7206335375453867306?lang=en)

The Bristle Reaction is that moment when your partner reaches out for a hug or a kiss… and your body instinctively recoils. Even when you love your partner deeply, their touch can sometimes create a sense of tension or irritation—and it’s more common than you think.

We asked our Instagram audience, and a whopping 84% said they’ve experienced this reaction. But the question we keep hearing is: “How do we fix it?”

In this episode, we break down:

The 3 biggest reasons The Bristle Reaction happens

6 actionable ways to start enjoying your partner’s touch again

Why this topic hits so close to home for so many couples

If physical affection has started to feel complicated or triggering, this episode will give you clarity, tools, and hope.

🔗 Links & Resources:

📘 Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

📝 Initiation 101 Guide ➡️  https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?ref=podcast-212&utm_term=podcast-212

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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Ask a sex therapist is back!

Have you ever Googled something about sex and then immediately deleted your search history? 🥵

In this week’s episode, Vanessa (a sex therapist with 20+ years of experience) and Xander (her ever-curious, regular dude husband) answer your most personal, pressing, wait-am-I-the-only-one? questions about sex, intimacy, and everything in between.

Is it weird if my partner and I don’t kiss during sex? (Pretty Woman, anyone?)

What exactly is pegging?

Is it normal for other things to be “better than sex”?

Can using a penis pump have consequences?

Should you get a vasectomy? (Xander’s in the club!)

Postpartum sex — what are men really thinking?

Can responsive/spontaneous desire be taught? Like can you switch your type?

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

Resources Mentioned:

Ultimate Foreplay Guides 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Ultimate Sex Guides  👉🏻 https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-sex-guide?ref=podcast-211&utm_term=podcast-211

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ ⁠https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander⁠

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 ⁠vmtherapy.com/subscribe⁠

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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Maybe it’s a gross habit that totally kills the mood…

Maybe it’s a bigger issue that leaves you feeling unseen or disconnected…

This week, we’re diving into a question we hear all the time: Should I be putting up with this in my relationship?

Whether it’s your partner’s lack of ambition, a dead bedroom, constant yelling, or socks in the couch cushions (yep, really) — we’re breaking down how to tell the difference between healthy compromise and straight-up self-betrayal.

We’re walking through real stories submitted by our audience and sharing tools to help you:

Tune into your own boundaries.

Get clear on what’s worth working through.

Speak your truth without blowing things up.

The difference between patience and people-pleasing.

When to accept a quirk vs. when to draw a hard line.

How to handle dead bedrooms, defensiveness, and money fights.

What to do if your partner’s gross habits are killing your vibe.

The truth about “sticking it out” vs. knowing when you’ve had enough.

🎧 Whether you're questioning the little things (like nose-picking 😬) or the big things (like being completely ignored emotionally or sexually), this episode is here to help you figure out your next move.

Ready to go Deeper with us?

Inside our Deeper membership, you’ll get access to our full library of expert-created resources, including the guides, courses, and coaching tools we wish every couple had. PLUS — instant answers to your most intimate questions via Vanessa AI, your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach (and new bestie).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🔥Treat your partner to the best f0repl@y they’ve ever had with The Ultimate Foreplay Guides 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.  Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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