Having more sex isn’t actually about libido.

(We know — that’s what everyone thinks the issue is.)

In today’s episode, we’re breaking down what really gets in the way of wanting sex more often — and what you can do about it that doesn’t feel forced, pressured, or performative. We share the exact strategies we teach inside Deeper, all built around making connection feel easier, pleasure feel better, and intimacy feel more accessible in your day-to-day life.

Whether you’re feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, “too tired,” or stuck in a rut… there are clear, compassionate explanations for why sex feels harder right now — and genuinely doable steps to change that.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why communication is the foundation for great sex

How mental load obliterates desire (and what to do instead)

The connection between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy

How desire actually works — and why spontaneous desire is not the gold standard

The pleasure–desire link (and why better sex = wanting more sex)

What to try this week to create more connection and more turn-on

If you’re in a tough season, we hope this episode reminds you there’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship. There’s always a path back to connection, closeness, and pleasure.

Links & Resources

🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides

It’s time to stop guessing and start feeling confident in your technique! These guides show you exactly how to use your hands and mouth on your partner in ways that will BLOW. THEIR. MIND.

👉 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

✨ The Ultimate Sex Guide

Over forty tastefully illustrated sex positions with detailed, step-by-step instructions on how to get into, out of, and move in each position. Get ready for toe-curling, bedsheet-gripping, heart-opening experiences for BOTH of you!

👉 http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW. ➡︎https://www.oneskin.co/pillow

👏Thanks MasterClass. MasterClass always has great offers during the holidays, sometimes up to as much as 50% off. ➡︎http://masterclass.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cure Hydration. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why I love Cure. It's clean, tastes great, and actually works. ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Give the gift of everyday luxury this holiday season. Use my code PILLOWTALKS for up to 40% off — just be sure to place your order by December 12th for guaranteed Christmas delivery. Listening after the 12th? Don’t worry — my code still works year-round for 20% off. ➡︎https://cozyearth.com

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It’s the season of gratitude, family time… and figuring out how to have sex quietly. 😅

This Thanksgiving, we’re throwing it back to one of our most iconic early episodes — all about having sex when other people are around. Whether you’re hosting the in-laws, crashing at your parents’ place, or sharing a wall with your roommates, this one’s for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Whether it’s actually okay to have sex when you have guests (or you’re the guest).

Our best stealth-mode tips for keeping things quiet and respectful.

The most common mistakes couples make when trying to sneak one in.

How to manage the stress and guilt that come with “guest sex.”

Bonus: hilarious, cringe-worthy stories from our Instagram community that prove you are definitely not alone.

If you’ve ever had to choose between your sex life and your sanity during the holidays… consider this your survival guide. 🦃

Go deeper💞

Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of wild-caught, sustainable seafood—delivered right to your door. ➡︎https://www.wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Nature's Sunshine. Protect your eyes and skin against harmful blue light effects with Marine Glo. Get 20% off your first order and free shipping by using checkout code PILLOW ➡︎https://naturessunshine.com

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Give the gift of comfort that lasts beyond the holidays. “This weekend only! From Thanksgiving Day through Cyber Monday, get 40% off with code PILLOWTALKS. It’s the best deal of the year! ➡︎https://cozyearth.com

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What if the biggest barrier to intimacy in your relationship isn’t stress, exhaustion, or mismatched libidos… but your phone?

In this week’s episode, we’re trying something that might feel a little controversial (and honestly, uncomfortable): no screens before sex.

Yep — for seven days, we challenged ourselves to put down the devices before any kind of intimacy, whether that meant sex, cuddling, or even a deep conversation. And let’s just say… it revealed a lot about how much tech gets in the way of connection.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

The surprising ways phone use impacts intimacy (and resentment)

What couples told us about their biggest “phone fights”

Our rules for a 7-day tech detox (and how to adapt if you have kids)

What happened when we actually followed them

How to create healthier phone boundaries — without starting a fight

If you’ve ever caught yourself scrolling mid-conversation or noticed your partner reaching for their phone after sex, this one’s for you.

Because here’s the truth: your relationship with your phone might be hurting your relationship with each other way more than you think.

Ready to reconnect?

Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week we’re bringing back one of our favorite games, Tie-Breakers!

You sent in the recurring arguments that pop up again and again in your relationship — the ones that never seem to die no matter how many times you talk about them — and now we’re stepping in to make the final call.

From sharing phone passwords to whether it’s really that big of a deal to be 5–10 minutes late, we’re tackling the everyday debates that drive couples just a little bit nuts.

The difference between boundaries and control especially when it comes to what your partner wears.

Why couples fight about tiny habits (like dishes or unpacking) and what those arguments really mean.

How to handle when one partner wants more privacy and the other wants full transparency.

What your “clean-up style” says about how you handle responsibility in bed and in life.

The psychology behind “small stuff” fights and how to stop them from snowballing.

Plus, the ultimate showdown on period sex, post-oral kissing, and who should drive. 😏

If you and your partner love to debate, this one’s for you — equal parts funny, spicy, and “oh my god, that’s us.”

Go deeper

Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Nature's Sunshine. Use the code PILLOW at check out to get 20% off your first order plus free shipping ➡︎https://www.naturessunshine.com

👏Thanks HungryRoot. For a limited time, use code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. ➡︎http://hungryroot.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cure. Use code PILLOW for 20% off your first order ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether you’ve been with us from the start or just found the podcast, this episode is basically a cheat sheet for a better sex life.

We pulled together the best of the best from hundreds of episodes — the tips, tools, and “aha” moments that have completely transformed our community’s sex lives. From the rule that saved our date nights to the mindset shifts that made intimacy feel easy again, we’re revisiting the advice that started it all.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why the “F*** First Rule” might be the simplest way to rekindle connection.

What the Bristle Reaction really means and how to retrain your body to want touch again.

How to figure out your desire type (and why that might finally solve your mismatched libido issue).

The sneaky reason your sex life might feel “meh” and how to make it worth craving again.

Honorable mentions like the First Pancake Rule, scheduling sex, and other hot takes we might just turn into full episodes soon. 👀

If you’ve ever thought, “Where do I even start?” when it comes to improving your sex life… start here.

Go deeper 💞

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 - Intro

04:05 F*ck First Rule

18:42 Bristle Reaction

26:03 We make out every night

32:42 Two Types of Desire

40:15 Emotional Physical Conundrum

50:00 Mushy Broccoli Problem

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS to get up to 20% off.And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair and skin with Blissy and use PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. ➡︎https://blissy.com/pillowpod

👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW ➡︎https://oneskin.co/HAIR

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week’s episode is a little spooky, a little silly, and a whole lot of sexy.

Since Halloween is tomorrow, we’re bringing you a “Trick or Treat: Smash or Pass” edition of Pillow Talks. We’re running through a list of playful, sometimes weird, and definitely conversation-starting ideas for you and your partner to try in the bedroom (or… maybe not).

From holding water in your mouth during a BJ to wrapping your partner up like a mummy to switching positions every 60 seconds like it’s a HIIT workout… nothing is off-limits in this one.

Some ideas are pure gold, some are questionable at best, and a few? Let’s just say they’re better left in the graveyard of “good intentions.”

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

The spookiest sex trends we’ve ever been dared to try

Which ones are worth a “smash” and which deserve a hard “pass”

Why experimentation keeps things exciting — even if it’s a total fail

How to decide what’s a hard pass vs. worth a try

Why laughter and curiosity are the sexiest ingredients of all

A few ideas that might just become your new Halloween tradition

If your sex life could use a little more fun (and a few more giggles), this one’s your invitation to play.

You’ll get:

Expert-backed techniques for better pleasure (solo and together)

Real-life tips to improve communication and confidence

Step-by-step guides to explore what really turns you on

👉 Grab The Ultimate Sex Guide and unlock your hottest tricks yet! http://vmtherapy.com/ultimate

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly emails with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and a few good laughs → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We’ve always promised to keep things real with you — the good, the messy, and everything in between.

And lately… life has been life-ing.

In this episode, we’re opening up about what’s been going on behind the scenes — especially with Vanessa’s dad’s health — and how we’ve been navigating this season both personally and as a couple.

We’ll talk about what’s next for our family, the emotional rollercoaster of managing grief while still finding moments of joy, and what it looks like to prioritize self-care, connection, and even intimacy when life feels really heavy.

An honest update on Vanessa’s dad’s health and how our family is handling it

The self-care practices helping me stay grounded (and sometimes just get through the day)

What’s been helping us stay connected as a couple during stressful times

The reality of sex and intimacy when you’re grieving or emotionally exhausted

Why joy still matters, even when things are hard

If you’re in a tough season too, this one’s for you. You’re not alone. 💛

Inside Deeper, our membership for couples, we help you keep growing together — even when life gets complicated.

You’ll get access to expert-led guides, monthly live calls, and our favorite prompts and challenges to help you communicate, connect, and feel close again.

👉 Join Deeper today and start building the kind of relationship that can handle anything. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly emails with behind-the-scenes stories, tips, and a few good laughs → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Let’s talk about oral.

We’ve all had those moments where oral feels way more awkward than arousing. You’re lying there, overthinking everything: Do I smell weird? What do I do with my hands? Is my partner secretly counting down the seconds until it’s over?

Sound familiar? Yeah… you’re definitely not alone.

In this episode, we’re getting into the real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous reasons people struggle to fully relax and enjoy oral. We asked our community to spill their biggest insecurities, and let’s just say… you all delivered. From “I can’t stay present” to “I feel bad making him do it when I haven’t shaved,” nothing’s off-limits today.

We’ll break down what’s actually going on behind those thoughts, and share practical, shame-free ways to feel more confident, connected, and turned on.

💋 Here’s what we’re diving into:

The top 3 reasons people can’t relax during oral (and how to fix them).

Why it’s okay if you don’t orgasm every time — seriously.

How to ask for what you like without killing the vibe.

What to do when your brain won’t stop screaming, “am I doing this right?!”

And a few of our favorite “oral attitude adjustments.”

Part real talk, part sex-ed, and part pep talk from your favorite couple who’s been there, done that… and yes, talked about it on a podcast. If you’ve ever been stuck in your head, overthinking, or trying to do it “right”… listen in… because you deserve oral to feel good. Like really good. 😘

Then it’s time to join The Ultimate Foreplay Experience. Our brand-new 4-week challenge that turns the Ultimate Foreplay Guides into a spicy, step-by-step adventure.

Each week, you’ll tackle a new theme — fingering, hand jobs, oral, and blow jobs — with flirty assignments, trackable checklists, and a “Heat Map” to rate your favorite moves.

It’s everything you need to turn “eh, same old routine” into “holy sht, that was incredible.”*

Get in on the challenge by grabbing the Ultimate Foreplay Guides before October 23rd → https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — full of behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and way too many sex puns → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow

👏Thanks HungryRoot. For a limited time, use code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. ➡︎http://hungryroot.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Every week on Instagram, we host “Ask Us Anything” sessions. And honestly? We get way more questions than we could ever answer in stories.

So today, we’re bringing some of those unanswered Qs straight to the podcast to give you deeper answers, real stories, and the honest, judgment-free advice you’ve been waiting for.

Get ready, because we’re tackling some of your biggest, wildest curiosities about sex, intimacy, and relationships.

💛 Here’s what we’re getting into:

Why some guys are so into swallowing (and what it really means).

When “lasting too long” in bed becomes its own problem.

How to tell your new partner about things you liked with an ex.

What to do when you can’t seem to drop a fetish.

Healing steps for survivors of sexual trauma who want a healthy sex life.

What happens when you both want the other person to initiate.

And that’s just the beginning — this episode is packed with your real questions and our no-BS answers.

Ready to uncover your unique intimacy blueprint? Take our free Intimacy Quiz and learn the key that drives your connection: 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Treat your partner to the best foreplay they’ve ever had 👉🏻The Ultimate Foreplay Guides http://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Learn how to initiate with confidence 👉🏻The Art of Initiation https://vmtherapy.com/initiation

Unlock expert tools, our core course library, and more inside our membership 👉🏻 Deeper https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and plenty of flirty fun.

Sign up here 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

Timestamps 

00:00 – Intro

03:00 – Why are guys so into swallowing?

11:04 – My partner lasts too long in bed

22:47 – How do I bring up things an ex used to do to me with my partner?

30:54 – Scheduling sex feels awkward—how do I get over that?

39:52 – How to get over a fetish

47:30 – How to reassure your partner with ED

56:19 – How SA survivors can have a great sex life

58:31 – What to do if we both want the other partner to initiate

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cure. Use code PILLOW for 20% off your first order ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS for up to 20% off! And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!. ➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW ➡︎https://oneskin.co/HAIR

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You’ve been there: the dreaded text fight.

One message gets misread, emotions spike, and suddenly you’re both typing paragraphs instead of actually talking.

In this episode, we’re breaking down a real-life text fight between a couple navigating mismatched sex drives, rejection, and the heavy mental load of parenting. You’ll hear the raw back-and-forth and get our thoughts on what worked, what didn’t, and how to move these conversations toward connection instead of conflict.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why so many couples end up fighting about sex over text (and why it almost never goes well).

Why text is the worst place to argue (and how to get out of the spiral).

The hidden emotional needs behind “yes” and “no.”

How to express hurt feelings without slipping into blame.

How to validate your partner without abandoning your own boundaries.

Communication tips that will help you feel heard and understood — even in the heat of the moment.

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a text fight with your partner, this one’s for you.

👉 Ready to uncover your unique intimacy blueprint? Take our free Intimacy Quiz and learn the key that drives your connection: 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ @vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and plenty of sex puns. Sign up here 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices