As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and involving them in daily chores provides a perfect opportunity. 

Chores allow your teen to play a role in contributing to the maintenance and care of your family’s household. Teens and emerging young adults ages 15-19 are learning and establishing lifestyle habits that will extend throughout their lifetime, whether making their beds in the morning, doing their dirty dishes, or cleaning up their games and supplies. Teens who do chores learn that part of being in a family contributes to the work and responsibilities of family life. When they pitch in, it creates a sense of autonomy, belonging, and competence. 

Research has found that the best predictor of success in young adulthood can be directly traced back to whether a child began doing chores at an early age, as young as three or four.^1 But it’s never too late to begin! Another study linked children doing chores to positive mental health in their early adulthood.^2 The skills and habits your teen develops in caring for your family home will serve them well as they make their own independent home in the not-too-distant future. And, for today, doing chores teaches a work ethic essential in helping teens persist toward any type of goal. 

Yet, there are challenges. Teen’s schedules are busy. After school, your teen may have soccer practice, several hours of homework, and a desire to socialize with friends. “Why do I have to bring in the garbage cans? My friends don’t,” you may hear from your fifteen-year-old. Whether cleaning up their room or setting the table for dinner, your teen may express resistance  when they have other goals in mind, like, “How can I socialize or game longer?” 

The key to many parenting challenges, like chores, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your teen’s needs. Daily chores are also a way for your teen to learn valuable skills like timeliness and responsibility. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Whether asking your fifteen-year-old to make their bed and turn off their lights each day or reminding your eighteen-year-old to rinse their dishes and put them in the dishwasher after dinner, these can become your daily challenges if you don’t create regular routines with input from your teen.

Today, in the short term, chores can create

●      greater cooperation and motivation as you go about your daily tasks 

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success 

●      trust that your teen has the competence to complete responsibilities with practice and care, and 

●      added daily peace of mind.

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

●      builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting 

●      builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence; and

●      gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency

This five-step process helps you and your teen establish routines and builds important skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .

You can get your teen thinking about chores by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to chores better so that you can address them. Teens need more autonomy as they find their independence and seek to define themselves as individuals separate from their parents. In gaining input, your teen 

●      has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for implementing the chore) 

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership and 

●      will be working in collaboration with you to make informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their day

●      Ask and negotiate. You might start by thinking through the rooms in the house, beginning with your teen’s room. You might ask and consider together:

○      “Help me create a list of chores. What might be some chores we should consider?” 

○      “Why are chores important?” 

○      “What chores feel most meaningful to you?” 

○      “Which ones do you think you can successfully get done regularly?”

●      Discuss challenges. As you discuss your teen's taking on responsibilities, talk about times that are typically challenging, like when they are playing video games and don’t want to stop to clean up.

○      Ask, “Why is clean-up time challenging for you? How can we address those problems to make it easier and help you remember what you must do?” 

○      Brainstorm ideas to solve the problem: “Could we set a timer at the end of game time so that when it goes off, you put your things away?” 

●      Make the agreements very clear. Be sure that you both are on the same page about the expectations. Teens love to look for loopholes, so talk through those. Say, “I want to ensure we are on the same page. Tell me your understanding of what I am asking you to do.” Ensure you have clarified whether “clean your room” means pick up, vacuum, or dust. 

●      Write the plan. Ensure your teen is writing down the plan (it doesn’t have to be perfect!). Make it simple. 

●      Post the plan in a visible location. Refer to it as a reminder, “What’s next on our plan?”

Some chores might be challenging for your teen initially. Frame these as evidence about how your teen is growing in terms of the responsibilities they are taking on. Though teens would often like to appear fully capable and independent, they are still learning the tasks of family life. Consider: “If my teen left our house and lived away from us today, would they know how to do laundry, pay utilities and rent, and prepare three healthy meals daily?” Thinking about what tasks they’ll need to be able to do when they are on their own can offer you guidance on areas to step up their responsibilities. You’ll need to teach them to do those new tasks when you've identified those areas.

Another helpful way to identify the tasks teens can take on to demonstrate greater responsibility is to learn what developmental milestones[4]  they’re working on. Strategies can also be formed around developmental themes.^3Here are some examples:^4

●      Fifteen-year-olds demonstrate greater independence while also respecting rules. You can connect greater privileges with their ability to show responsibility. They will have greater self-control than they did just a few years ago.

●      Sixteen-year-olds may fight chores and routines and contribute to your household with more vigor as they grow in their confidence and identity and feel they should be free to do more on their own without the ties to your household. They desire risk-taking. Part-time jobs and getting a driver’s license can become a healthy way to fulfill that need. Find ways they can contribute by seeking their input and emphasizing the importance of adults - young adults too - taking responsibility for the care and upkeep of where they live. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds have completed puberty and thus fully inhabit their adult bodies, yet their adult brains have not fully formed. These young adults are beginning to envision their future outside of your home. Some may be terrified, while others will embrace and be excited by the future possibilities. They are more independent and take fewer risks as they view their uncertain adult future. They may better understand that their contributions to your household reflect their growth and responsibility.

●      Eighteen-year-olds will be more comfortable with adult responsibilities and returning to you for advice. They no longer feel they need to fight for their independence since they are on the threshold of the adult world. They may fear their future and may also relish in the possibilities. Give them chances to try out new tasks they may need to learn for their future independent life. 

●      Nineteen-year-olds can live independently, so if they are not yet, think about them as independent emerging adults under your roof. They can and should be making decisions about their daily routines and bigger choices, like who to befriend or become romantic. They may seek your advice and guidance, knowing that they now have the right to choose for themselves. However, any adult must care for their environment, so while it will be essential to gain their input on how they want to show care, they still need to find ways to contribute to their household.

Remember, teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5]  for unmet expectations.

●      Teachers use a simple process called interactive modeling that can become a powerful teaching tool for parents or those in a parenting role.^5 If you suspect that your 15-19-year-old might resist being taught a new task by you, then this can be done subtly. Working on a project and chatting about what you are doing models the behaviors, promotes reflection on what you’re doing, and helps transfer the skills to your teen. Here’s the full process:

○      Say what you will model and why

○      Model the behavior 

○      Ask your teen what they noticed

○      Invite your teen to model

○      Ask what they noticed with their modeling

○      Practice together

○      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…”

●      The following is an example of how this might look between a parent and teen discussing mowing the lawn. “I’d love to show you how to keep yourself safe while lawn mowing. I will show you some basics, but I want you to watch for what I do to keep safe. There are also a few things I will do that make things easier. I want you to see if you can catch these.” 

If you seize the opportunity, daily chores can be opportunities for your teen to practice new skills. With practice, your teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen performs the chore.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy - a teen’s sense that they can do a task successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes and failures are part of learning.

●      Use “I’d love to see…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When teens learn a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love to see how you make dinner for the family.” Recognize effort. Parents and those in a parenting role often offer feedback on what teens are not doing right, but how often do they recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice...” statements like, “I notice how you brought back the garbage can from the curb today without me asking -- that’s taking responsibility!” 

●      Proactively remind. You may whisper in your teen’s ear, “Remember how to stay safe when moving the lawn? What are they?”

At this point, you’ve taught your teen a new or challenging task so that they understand how to perform it. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and applying logical consequences when appropriate. Parents and those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. 

●      Actively reflect on how chores are going. Ask questions like, “How are you feeling about when it’s time to clean up? Do you know where everything goes?” 

●      Infuse some fun! Why not make clean-up or chore time fun? Working together as a family can be enjoyable. Turn on some of your teen’s favorite music or sing a song while working. 

●      Reflect on outcomes: “It looks like you forgot to finish the laundry. What could help you remember in the future?” 

●      Stay engaged. Working together on particularly challenging times of the routine can help offer additional support and motivation for your teen when tough issues arise. 

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2. Third, if you feel your teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless it is a matter of them not knowing how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your child's confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.  

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You remembered to do your laundry and clean your room—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and developing your teen’s skills to communicate respectfully provides a perfect opportunity.  

Conflict happens in families -- between spouses, among siblings, and between parents and teens. Arguing in family life is typical. “Back talk” can be defined as “argumentative replies.”^1 Teens can respond in anger, hurt, and frustration, using hurtful tones or words. But back talk also represents a power imbalance teens are trying to rectify. Power, after all, is a basic human need. Teens and young adults ages 15-19 are growing their listening, empathy, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills. Growing your teen’s skills to respond assertively but non-aggressively is essential to their success.

Anyone may face challenges with back talk. “You can’t tell me what to do!” your teen may exclaim in anger and frustration when you say “No” to an unsupervised party where peers may be drinking. Your teen’s responses can make you angry and upset. As your teen develops, they must test their limits and rules to internalize them. This can lead to arguments between you and your teen. They will also have evolving emotional needs and may lack the communication skills necessary to ask for what they need. Using the steps below can help navigate this challenge with skill. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old screaming, “I hate you!” in a fight, your junior in high school shouting, “No, I won’t stop!” when screen time is over, or your nineteen-year-old crying, “It’s all your fault,” when they get rejected by their college of choice, establishing healthy ways of responding to life’s most challenging moments is a vital skill your teen needs to thrive. 

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to respond to disagreements in healthy ways can create

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other, and

●      a sense of well-being and motivation  

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching your teen effective ways to communicate their feelings and needs

●      develops a sense of safety, security, and self-belief

●      grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and

●      deepens family trust and intimacy

This five-step process helps you and your teen communicate during your toughest, most emotional moments in ways that do not harm. It also grows essential critical life skills. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

You can get your teen thinking about healthy ways to communicate by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and

●      will grow self-control, empathy, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills

Consider what challenges your teen in their ability to communicate in healthy ways. For example, if your teen is hurt or feeling rejected, it’s a normal reflex for them to lash out in self-protection. Begin by considering the following.

●      Ask how your teen feels when arguing with a family member or friend. 

○      “What makes you upset or mad at a friend, a relative, Mom and Dad?”

○      “What feelings do you experience?” (If your teen has a hard time labeling their feelings, you can provide guesses. Your teen will likely correct you if you guess wrong. For example, “When I asked you to turn off your phone to join us for dinner, it seemed you were mad. Is that right?”)

○      “How does your body feel when you’re upset?” (Name how you physically experience being upset, whether it’s a red hot face or a racing heartbeat.) 

o   “Have you hurt another person’s feelings when you’ve argued? How did that feel?”  Be sure to express empathy for negative feelings your teen may express. You could continue modeling by adding, “I have felt horrible, too, when I’ve gotten heated and said things in anger.” It is helpful for kids/teens to know you make mistakes too and that you also know how to take responsibility and make amends. 

o   “How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm the other person?” 

●      Use your best listening skills. Remember, what makes a parent or someone in a parenting role angry or frustrated can differ significantly from what angers or frustrates a teen. Listen closely to your teen's concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings.

Intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, so you may not consider their role and impact on your teen. Intense feelings can majorly influence the day and your relationship with your teen. Your teen is learning how to be in healthy relationships, and in the learning process, they will make mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments as a parent or someone in a parenting role can determine how you help grow their conflict management skills. Learning about developmental milestones[4]  can help you better understand what your teen is experiencing. Here are some examples.

●      Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and preoccupied with peer impressions. Conflict may arise if teens fear failure in front of you, their teacher, or their peers. 

●      Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school, and along with them, they may experience stress and worries. They might be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing, but that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals and the stress of adult choices ahead. Conflicts may arise with you as they assert independence but also feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared of their future adult lives.

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are considered emerging adults. At times, they may exude confidence, while others may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. Conflict may arise as you renegotiate your relationship. 

Teaching is different from just telling. It grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive words and tone of voice you want them to use, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is a logical [5] consequence of unmet expectations.

Reflect on how you currently model communication when you’re upset. Any action, words, or tones of voice you use with your teen will be repeated and mimicked back to you by them. If you yell, your teen will yell. If you criticize, your teen will criticize. Consider how you react to your teen when you are upset. 

●      Ask yourself, “If my teen repeats what I say and in my tone of voice, will it be acceptable at home? In public?” 

●      Consider which words, actions, and tones you want to see in your teen and which you do not. Next, decide what words, actions, and tones you do not want to use so you only model what you want to see and hear.

●      According to research, the following fighting habits hurt others and destroy trust.^2 In fact, these will encourage more back talk from your teen. These fighting habits should not be used to forge healthy communication with others, including your teen.

○      Do not use physical force. Using physical force in a conflict signals that the individual has lost control and only believes they can regain it with physical dominance. This is harmful and breaks trust.            

○      Do not talk about others negatively when they are not present. The healthiest way to address a problem is to go directly to the person with whom you have the problem. 

○      Do not criticize. Judging or commenting on a person's character hurts the other. Instead, focus energies and words on solving the problem at hand.

○      Do not show contempt. Using hostile humor, sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or baiting body language harms the other person. These all involve some kind of aggression or character attack.

○      Do not become defensive or blaming. Pointing fingers and using “You…” language is blaming. Words like “always,” “never,” and “forever” cannot represent the truth and break down trust. Own your feelings and role in the situation, and the argument will remain constructive.

○      Do not stonewall. Actively refusing to listen, shutting down the argument, or giving the silent treatment harms the other person and breaks trust.

●      Learn to use “I-messages.” At a family dinner, talk about how it challenges adults and teens alike when arguments occur. You want to communicate in ways that do not harm one another. Share an example of an argument you’ve had and how each person reacted without judging what they did. Focus on the problem only. Try using an I-message for that same issue. Here’s the structure: “I feel _________ (insert feeling word) when you ________(name the words/actions that upset you) because __________.” This structure helps the individual take responsibility for their feelings and role in the problem while avoiding “you” blaming language. Try it out in a parent-teen argument. “I feel frustrated when you keep playing video games, and I’ve told you it’s homework time because I feel disrespected.” This tool can empower a teen to regain their power without harming you or another.

●      Continue to teach your teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching teens about managing anger is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another, but that next step matters in repairing the relationship. 

If you seize the opportunity, your daily disagreements can allow your teen to practice vital new skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen works hard to manage feelings, words, and choices constructively.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to develop consequential thinking or the ability to think ahead to the impact of a particular choice and evaluate whether it’s a positive choice based on those reflections.

●      Allow your teen to assert their needs in small and more significant ways, like speaking up at the store when there’s a problem or encouraging them to discuss a grade with their teacher. 

●      Be sure to consider how to create the conditions to support their success (like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking) so your teen learns to become their best problem solver.

●      Share a range of feeling words regularly to become more comfortable expressing feelings.

●      Practice “I-messages” on more challenging problems and various issues, including friendship conflicts. Then, when in a heated moment, gently remind: “Remember, it could help to use an I-message.”

●      Practice deep breathing to help you calm down when you have spare moments together, such as while waiting in line, driving in the car, or at bedtime.

At this point, you’ve taught your teen how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. Now, you can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, following through with logical consequences[7] . Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different. 

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, teach cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and conflicts), and help develop skills in taking responsibility. 

●      Initially, your teen may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements and ask them to demonstrate how they can work to resolve a problem. For example, you could say, “Show me that we can disagree without making hurtful statements toward one another.”

●      Recognize effort using “I notice...” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Such as, “I noticed how you approached me when you were upset with your feelings and needs. It worked, didn’t it? That’s excellent!”

●      On days with extra challenges, when you can see your teen is frustrated or feeling incapable, proactively remind your teen of their strength. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in their ear, “Remember how you talked to me yesterday? You can use that same strategy with your friend today.”

●      Actively reflect on how your teen is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like, “It seems like you are holding onto angry feelings toward your friend; have you talked to him yet? What options do you think you have?” Be sure to reflect on the outcomes of possible choices.

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after an inappropriate behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process and avoiding harm. 

○      First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your emotions, you can apply logical consequences that fit the behavior. 

○      Second, invite your teen to a reflection about the expectations established in Step 2. 

○      Third, consider a logical consequence of their actions as a teachable moment. Be sure to consider the following questions before deciding: (1) What will you teach with this consequence? (2) Has a natural consequence already taken place (3) Will the logical consequence be connected to the poor choice so that you can teach cause and effect with the action?

Learning new behaviors to replace inappropriate behaviors takes time. Your teen will likely not do it right the first time (or even the second or third!). That’s OK. What’s important is that you approach growing skills to manage conflict by understanding feelings, teaching new behaviors, and practicing while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your teen. Your healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your teen is most important.

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship. Growing your teen’s skills to manage anger provides a perfect opportunity. 

Teens and emerging adults ages 15-19 still learn about their strong and changing feelings. They may not fully understand the physical and mental takeover that can occur when angry. While striving for more independence, the sense of a lack of control that anger can produce can frighten them, adding to the length and intensity of their upset. It might also humiliate them if they are mad in front of respected others like teachers, siblings, friends, or relatives. Teens may feel social pains more acutely because of the increasing importance of the roles of peers in their lives. Learning how to deal with anger without suppressing it, beating it down, or expressing it by hurting others and themselves is critical. Your support and guidance matter greatly.

Research confirms that when teens learn to manage their feelings, their executive functions are simultaneously strengthened. ^1 They can better use self-control, problem-solve, and focus their attention, directly impacting their school success. However, the opposite is also true. Teens who do not learn to manage their feelings through the guidance and support of caring adults may have attention issues and difficulty solving problems.

Anger is not bad or negative. You should not avoid or shut down the experience of it. There’s a good reason for it. Everyone has experienced someone who has lost control and acted in ways that harmed themselves or others when angry. However, every feeling, including anger, serves a critical purpose. Anger provides essential information about who a person is, what emotional or physical needs are not getting met, and where their boundaries lie. Understanding this often misunderstood feeling is key to helping your teens better understand themselves and learn healthy ways to manage their intense feelings.^1

Everyone can face challenges in feeling overcome by anger. Your teen may slam the bedroom door as they refuse to tell you what is happening and why they are so upset. Anger may cover hurt, humiliation, fear, and stress. It may also mask guilt, shame, grief, or envy. 

 As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an important role in helping your teen better understand their experience as they learn to identify their feelings and needs better.

Whether your fifteen-year-old melts down in frustration over trying to get math homework accomplished or your nineteen-year-old yells after not being allowed to attend an unsupervised party, anger, and its many accompanying feelings can become a regular challenge if you don’t help your teen create plans and strategies for coping with and making space to express anger.

Today, in the short term, learning to manage anger can create

●      a sense of confidence in your teen that they can regain calm and focus

●      trust in each other that you and your teen have the competence to make space for  a range of feelings in healthy ways and

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in self-control and managing feelings, and

●      build assertive communication to communicate critical needs and boundaries to keep them healthy and safe 

This five-step process helps you and your teen manage anger and builds essential skills in your teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

You can get your teen thinking about ways to make constructive choices about their behaviors when angry by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You and your teen will also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to coping with their anger so that you can both address them. In gaining input, your teen

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling and understand when the cause of their upset is anger-related

●      can think through and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve thought through and designed themselves, and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and

●      will be working with you on making decisions (and understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

●      Be curious about your teen’s feelings. You might start by asking questions. 

○      “How do you know when you are angry?” 

○      “What are some common things that make you angry?”       

○      “How can you tell when someone is angry with you? And what happens when someone is angry with you?”

●      Use your best listening skills. Remember, what makes a parent angry can differ significantly from what angers a teen. Listen closely to your teen's concerns without projecting your thoughts and feelings.  You will know you are in your best listening state if you are genuinely curious about your teen’s point of view. 

●      Reflect or paraphrase back what you hear. For example, if your teen says, “Julie made fun of my clothes and called me fat.” You could say, “So I hear that Julie hurt you.” If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can also reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. You could say, “I hear you were mad and probably quite hurt, too. Is that right?”

●      Help your teen make the mind-body connection. Ask your teen, “What clues did your body give you that you were angry?” You can also say, “What are you feeling in your body now as you talk about it?”

Because intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, you may not consider their role and impact on your teen. Intense feelings can majorly influence the day and your relationship with your teen. Learning about what developmental milestones[4]  a teen is working on can help you better understand what your teen is going through and what might be contributing to anger or frustration.^2

●      Fifteen-year-olds are in the final year of the significant physical changes in puberty. They may feel insecure and sensitive to criticism. They may be preoccupied with peer interactions and impressions. Homework and academic goals are less critical than socializing but still significant. Teens may fear failure in front of you, their teacher, or their peers and may seek to avoid specific projects or tasks to prevent that feeling of humiliation. Though peers are highly influential, teens at this age still look to you for encouragement that they can handle the bigger expectations and workload. The peer group can present many emotional challenges, including worries about who’s in the “in” and “out” crowds, to whom your teen is attracted, and to whom your teen desires to build friendships. Strong friendships can serve as a critical support and help motivate your teen to work hard in school, so your coaching and support of their connections with friends can also make a difference in their sense of well-being.

●      Sixteen-year-olds are at the end of the awkwardness of their new physical being and are beginning to feel and appear more confident in themselves and who they are. They may have new important goals outside of school, and along with them, they may experience stress and worries related to learning to drive, getting a driver’s license, getting a new part-time job, or trying out a romantic partnership. All these are critical steps for their exploration of adult life. This age group might be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing. Still, that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways. So, your role can be most effective in keeping an open, non-judgmental dialogue about their social, academic, and life goals and how they can manage the typical stress and uncertainty that goes along with it.

●      Seventeen-year-olds have greater pursuits for their mind and may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider the fact that their graduation is coming up and they’ll need to face life after high school. At times, they may seem to feel invincible and, perhaps, overly confident, while at other times, they might resort to behaviors from earlier years, seeming fragile and scared. It can become a highly stressful time, so your support during this time is critical. They’ll require multiple options for dealing with stress in healthy ways, and this may represent your last year for practicing together while still under your roof. If your teen goes to college, applying and preparing for that significant transition will create stress. Also, it’s common for teens to unconsciously create reasons to get angry with their parents as they attempt to make the physical separation of leaving home easier. 

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are considered adults, gaining the ability to vote and being socially recognized as adults. Many will enter college with a new set of academic goals and expectations. Also, they may face living independently for the first time. For this reason, they may be eager to discuss the complexities of adult responsibilities. Most of all, they’ll need your listening and reflecting. At times, they may exude confidence, while at other times, they may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. This is a time for redefining your relationship, so paying close attention to their needs, offering your assurance that they are ready and can do it on their own, and allowing for their independence are some of your most important roles. 

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences for unmet expectations.

●      Learn together! Anger and hurt are essential messages to pay attention to. They mean emotional, social, or physical needs are unmet, or necessary boundaries (our rules or values) are violated. It’s essential to ask: “Why am I feeling this way? What needs to change to feel better?” 

●      Parents or those in a parenting role can benefit from understanding how stress is processed in the body and brain to ask helpful questions about their teen and learn about their stress.  Anytime you are emotionally shaken from stress, fear, anxiety, anger, or hurt, you are functioning from the part of your brain that developed first -- the primal brain -- or amygdala. The amygdala responds to stress by fighting, fleeing, or freezing and serves to help us survive dangerous situations. While we rarely face tigers and bears in the wild, several everyday interactions can activate you and your teen’s fight, flight or freeze response system. During these intense feelings, some chemicals wash over the rest of the brain, cutting off access to the part of our brain that allows for reasoning and problem-solving.

What does this mean as a parent?  You may notice that once your teen is upset, it is difficult to get through to them, or nothing may seem to help the situation. Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, refers to this as your teen’s brain being “hijacked.”

^2 When the brain is hijacked and in a stress response, your attempts at resolving the situation with problem-solving, reasoning, bribes, or threats will do little to solve the current conflict or change your teen’s behavior. Effective problem-solving requires logic, language, and creativity, though none can be well utilized when greatly upset. While in a stress response state, your teen cannot access the part of their brain, the prefrontal cortex, that engages in reasoning.

How can you help?  When your teen becomes dysregulated, the first step is to help them return to a calm space before problem-solving or correction. Remember, helping your teen calm down does not mean that you are condoning misbehavior. Correction can take place after your teen has calmed down.

●      As a parent, yelling will not dissipate anger. Research confirms that the expression of aggression, whether it's yelling or hitting (and that includes parents hitting, yelling, or spanking), exacerbates the anger.^2 Furthermore, if they see those methods used, your teen will learn to model those behaviors, such as yelling and hitting. Expressing your anger physically will also erode your teen’s trust in you.

●      Model behaviors, and your teen will notice and learn.^4 Here are some ways to deal with your upset or anger.

○      Create a plan for your emotional regulation. This is critical so you’ll know exactly what you’ll say, where you’ll go to calm down, and what you’ll do and consider when calming down. Then, prepare your family so they understand your plan, will recognize it when they see it, and can learn from it.

○      Recognize your anger. This self-awareness can come from several cues. Take note of physical symptoms when they happen. It can cue you to calm down before choosing your words or actions. Notice the signs, discuss what your teen notices, and take the following steps.

■      Breathe first. Slowing down your breathing helps with calming down. 

■      Walk outside. The fresh air helps you breathe better, and the natural surroundings instantly calm. 

■      Distract yourself. Research has found that distraction can help calm rage. Reading a book or listening to music can help. 

■      Write. Writing down your angry thoughts (versus ruminating about them) can allow you to re-evaluate your situation. You can reframe it, look at it from another perspective, or search for the silver lining. Reflecting in your writing on what you can learn from the situation has a calming effect. You might ask yourself, “What positive goal can I set, or what next step can I take to improve things?”  

●      Brainstorm coping strategies. You and your teen can use numerous coping strategies depending on what feels right. But, when you are angry and upset, recalling what will make you feel better can be challenging. That’s why brainstorming a list, writing it down, and keeping it at the ready can come in handy when your teen needs it. Here are some ideas from Janine Halloran:^5 imagine your favorite place, take a walk, get a drink of water, take deep breaths, count to 50, draw, listen to music, and build something.  Use this as a modeling opportunity and make a list of coping skills you will use for yourself the next time you feel angry or frustrated.

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Parents and those in a parenting role sometimes have to become feelings detectives. If your teen shuts down and refuses to tell you what’s happening, you must dig for clues. Identifying your feelings is necessary to become more self-aware and understand your needs.

●      Create a chill zone. During time without pressures, design a “chill zone” or place where your teen decides they would like to go when upset to feel better. 

●      Design a plan. When you’ve learned what happens in your brain and body when anger takes over, you know you need a plan ready, so you don’t have to think in that moment. 

●      Teach your teen how to stop rumination. If you catch your teen uttering the same upsetting story more than once, your teen’s mind has hopped onto the hamster wheel of rumination. In these times, it can be challenging to let go. Talk to your teen about the fact that reviewing the same concerns over and over will not help them resolve the issue, but talking about them, calming down, and learning more might help. Setting a positive goal for change will help. Discuss what they can do when thinking through the same upsetting thoughts. 

●      Reflect on your teen’s anger so you can be prepared to help. When reflecting on your teen’s feelings, you can think about unpacking a suitcase. Frequently, layers of feelings need to be examined and understood, not just one. Anger might just be the top layer. So, after discovering why your teen was angry, you might ask about other layers. Was there hurt or a sense of rejection involved? Perhaps your teen feels embarrassed? Fully unpacking the suitcase of feelings will help your teen feel better understood by you as they become more self-aware. Ask yourself:

○      “What needs is my teen not getting met?” Their needs can be emotional, like needing a friend to listen or give them attention, needing some alone time, or needing to escape a chaotic environment. 

○      “Can the issue be addressed by my teen alone, or do they need to communicate a need, ask for help, or set a boundary?” One of the hardest steps for many can be asking for help or drawing a...

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship while growing a sense of confidence in your teen that they can work toward their goals and succeed in school and life.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your fifteen-year-old’s success. Helping your teen understand and deal with bullying is important for their success in life and school. One in five children experiences bullying, which can come in the form of repeated name-calling, insults, rumors, taunting, social exclusion, or physical harm.^

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in helping your teen develop empathy. Empathy is the way people effectively relate to one another. It’s the ability to perceive what others are feeling, process that information, and respond in a compassionate manner. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship while growing your teen’s capacity for empathy from the time they are born all the way through their teen years. Empathy is essential for your teen to experience happy healthy relationships because it allows for emotional connection to others beginning early with family and friends and extending as they develop into successful school, work, social, and romantic relationships.

Teens ages 15-19 are actively finding ways to assert their independence with confidence but may also feel fragile and vulnerable about their future adult lives. They will naturally test limits and break rules. In fact, some of the conditions of adolescent development add to the likelihood that they will break rules such as your teen’s need for risk taking, their desire for increasing independence, their sexual curiosity and development, and their need to belong and seek approval of peers. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for their learning. 

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and creating rules about cannabis helps establish the supportive conditions necessary for your teen to deal with risk.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and creating rules about alcohol helps establish the supportive conditions necessary for your teen to deal with risk.

As a parent or those in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. Helping your teen grow healthy friendships is essential. Through relationships, your teen develops a sense of belonging. They come to better understand themselves through their interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers.