This week on Schmactors, it’s time to zap into the void with a cattle prod, question your Beatle loyalty, and wonder aloud if David Caruso is still standing under that same damn porch light. Mark recounts the surreal politics of Hollywood parties (spoiler: Caruso smokes cigars like he’s in a noir), while James waxes philosophical about the dangers of going full Clooney at Seth Green’s birthday.

Jason dares to suggest space is cool—if there’s a big enough window—and makes a bold stand against spiders, seafood, and Beatles fandom. Mark gets real about agoraphobia, panic attacks, and childhood trauma, while James advocates for taser-based home defense and tells you why Ringo is the chillest drummer in the biz.

Blood donations? Rare. Phobias? Frequent. Rib Fest cover bands? Too real. This one’s got conspiracy theories, fake organs, reversed guts, financial regrets, and just enough “pizza parlor chaos” to keep the lizard people tuning in.

Got a burning question? Hit up ⁠⁠schmactors.com⁠⁠ — leave a voicemail or text, and maybe you’ll hear it on the show. And if you laughed (or at least snorted), do us a favor and share Schmactors with a friend. It’s cheaper than therapy.

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