Mental health is a crucial part of every teen's overall well-being. As teens transition into young adulthood, they face complex emotional challenges that can affect their mental health. Much like physical health, mental health needs care and attention, making it essential to provide teens with the tools to build resilience and maintain emotional well-being.

Teens between the ages of 15 and 19 are going through many transitions, including increased academic demands, evolving friendships, and forming their identities. These changes can be overwhelming, and teens can find the changes difficult without proper tools to manage emotions. Your guidance as a parent or someone in a parenting role is crucial in helping them learn how to maintain mental health and build emotional resilience.

In some cases, intense stressors such as family mental health issues or trauma can impact a teen’s mental health. If you or your teen has experienced such difficulties, seeking external support from professionals is important. However, the steps outlined here can help your teen develop everyday skills to navigate mental health challenges and build resilience.

Why Mental Health?

Whether it's your teen feeling anxious about an upcoming test, overwhelmed by social dynamics, or dealing with low self-esteem, attending to mental health is essential. In the short term, teaching mental health awareness skills can foster:

●      Increased confidence in managing emotions and maintaining balance

●      Better connections with family, friends, and peers by improving communication and understanding

●      Greater self-awareness and emotional regulation

In the longer term, your teen can develop:

●      Emotional awareness and the ability to understand and articulate their feelings

●      Resilience in facing life's challenges and stressors

●      Healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress, anxiety, and other mental health concerns

Five Steps for Mental Health

This five-step process[1]  will guide you and your teen through strategies to support mental health, increase emotional resilience, and build lifelong skills. 

Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and actively growing a healthy parenting relationship[3]  will support these steps.Step 1: Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

Engage your teen in a conversation about their mental health. By asking open-ended questions, you give them the opportunity to reflect on their emotions and experiences. This process promotes self-awareness and encourages them to identify areas they want to work on.

Questions to Ask:

●      “What emotions have been the hardest for you to manage recently?”

●      “Can you describe times when you feel[4]  anxious or overwhelmed?”

●      “What do you do when you’re feeling down or frustrated?”

●      “What do you do when your emotions feel out of control?”

Active Listening: Practice active listening by paraphrasing their feelings to show understanding, e.g., “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed when you have too much schoolwork. Is that right?”

Trap: Avoid jumping to solutions or assuming their feelings reflect your own worries. Let them express their emotions in a non-judgmental space.

Step 2: Teach New Skills

Help your teen learn to identify and cope with emotions by modeling the process for them. You can introduce mental health strategies that include:

●      Naming the emotion: Encourage your teen to identify what they are feeling. "I’m feeling angry right now," or "I’m feeling lonely."

●      Sitting with it: Teach them to tolerate uncomfortable emotions without immediately trying to fix them.

●      Getting perspective: Help them understand that emotions are information, not facts. Ask, "What’s this emotion telling you?" and remind them that feelings are only one part of the whole picture.

●      Shifting the emotion: Show them how to move through the feeling by reframing the situation or engaging in calming activities[5] , such as deep breathing or creative expression.

Actions to Practice:

●      Model self-awareness by naming your emotions in daily life. "I’m feeling stressed today, and I’m going to take a break to reset."

●      Teach grounding techniques, such as deep breathing or mindfulness, to manage overwhelming emotions. Practice these together.

●      Help your teen gain perspective by asking, "What might be a more balanced way of looking at this situation?"

 

Step 3: Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

To reinforce mental health strategies, it’s important to practice regularly. This can take the form of role-playing, reflecting on emotions, or simply incorporating calming practices into daily routines.

Actions:

●      Create a routine for discussing mental health. You might ask each evening, “How did you feel today?”; “What are things that came up that felt overwhelming?”; “What emotions came up for you today? How did you handle them?”

●      Encourage reflection on how emotions fluctuate. “You felt really anxious about that presentation yesterday. How are you feeling about it now?”

●      Reinforce skills by acknowledging their efforts. “I noticed you took a few deep breaths when you were getting frustrated. That was a great way to handle it.”

 

Step 4: Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

Continue to offer support as your teen applies these new mental health skills. Monitor how they are doing, and be ready to reteach or adjust strategies when necessary.

Actions:

●      Offer reminders: “Remember, you can always take a break if you’re feeling overwhelmed.”

●      Check-in regularly: Ask, “How are you feeling today? Do you need help with anything?”

●      Problem-solve together: If they’re struggling, ask, “What’s another way you could handle this?”

 

Step 5: Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also promotes safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen’s behavior.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “I’m really proud of how you sat with your frustration earlier rather than avoiding it!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or hug.

 

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the teen knows what to expect. It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s internal motivation.     

Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in the middle of a crisis. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.Trap: It can be easy to resort to bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents or those in a parenting role frequently resort to bribes, it is likely time to revisit the five-step process. Actions

●      Recognize and call out when things are going well. It may seem obvious, but it’s easy not to notice when everything moves smoothly. Noticing and naming the behavior provides the necessary reinforcement that you see and value your teen’s choice. For example, “I see you’ve been more open about your feelings lately. That’s really brave!”

●      Recognize small steps along the way. Don’t wait for significant accomplishments to recognize effort. Remember that your recognition can work as a tool to promote more positive behaviors. Find small ways your teen is making an effort and let them know you see them.

●      Build celebrations into your routine. For example, create simple rewards for practicing mental health, like relaxing together or doing a favorite activity.

Celebrate small victories and consistent effort when it comes to managing mental health. Positive reinforcement will encourage your teen to continue practicing these vital skills.

 

Closing

Developing mental health and resilience is a continuous process. By using these five steps, you are helping your teen manage their emotions today and preparing them for the challenges they’ll face in the future. Mental health strategies build lifelong resilience and self-awareness, empowering teens to navigate life with confidence and emotional awareness.[6] 

 

ReferenceFor more information on children and mental health, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/children-and-mental-healthRecommended Citation: Center for Health and Safety Culture. (2024). Navigating Mental Health and Developing Resilience. Ages 15-19. Retrieved from https://www.ToolsforYourChildsSuccess.org© 2024 Center for Health and Safety Culture at Montana State UniversityThis content does not necessarily reflect the views or policies of the Tools for Your Child’s Success communities, financial supporters, contributors, SAMHSA, or the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

 

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/parenting-process/parenting-process-for-your-childs-success

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/intentional-communication

Link https://docs.google.com/document/d/1llJetZ909-auv48aX6yT3PmbWT1Ibr32/edit#heading=h.gjdgxs

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/i-feel

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/communication/calm-down-strategies-for-parents-and-children

Link https://toolsforyourchildssuccess.com/iwtkm/development/social-and-emotional-development

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and growing skills in reading is a great way to do it.  

Reading is essential for your teen’s success in school. Reading also plays a critical role in your teen’s 

●      social and emotional development[1] 

●      language competence

●      executive functions like working memory and self-control  ^1^

●      connection to you

●      empathy and understanding of others

●      imagination (ability to “see” the story) ^2^

●      ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Researchers have found that social, emotional, and cognitive development cannot be separated. They directly and indirectly impact one another. ^3^ Teens exercise their responsible decision-making skills and moral development as they reflect on their favorite characters’ choices and outcomes.  

Teens ages fifteen to nineteen are in the process of learning how to read larger, more complicated texts and extracting meaning from them. They are required, in school, to think abstractly about their reading and to decipher metaphors, symbols, and cultural themes. Your teen will establish critical learning habits through reading that will extend throughout their school years. Reading is best learned with parents, grandparents, and other loved ones. In fact, “The single most important activity for building skills essential for reading success appears to be reading aloud to children.” ^4^

Parents tend to stop reading aloud as children age and become more competent readers. However, even high school and college students (and adults) benefit from collaborative reading or reading aloud. In reading together, you deepen your caring connection (relationship skills). You are imagining together. You are making meaning of words and worlds. You and your teen gain insight into characters’ inner lives (thoughts and feelings) in a way that no other source can allow you access (social awareness). And with that exploration of others’ experiences, you learn more about yourself (self-awareness) and what you value (responsible decision-making).

In addition to reading aloud together, there is value in reading on your own together. Older teens can pause and reflect with you about the complexities of what they are reading. Those discussions can deepen your intimacy and their social awareness and understanding of the text, in addition to exploring the feelings and symbolism they may encounter.

Yet, anyone can face challenges when it comes to establishing a daily reading routine. Families today are busier than ever, with more demands on their time. 

Teenagers are highly entertained and stimulated by technology, so it may take more encouragement than past generations to start reading. But once you get into a routine and make it a joyful experience, it can enrich your family life and deepen your intimacy while promoting valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support family reading cooperatively.

Why Reading?

Becoming intentional about a daily reading routine, looking for ways to incorporate reading into your family time spent together, and considering the quality of the experience of how you read together can all contribute to a teen’s development. 

Today, in the short term, reading can create

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      opportunity for dialogue and reflection

●      a direct way to influence your teen’s positive development

Tomorrow, in the long term, reading helps your teen

●      build skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting

●      build skills in hard work and persistence 

●      develop empathy, creative thinking, and responsible decision-making skills

●      create positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success     

Five Steps for Reading

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for daily reading and builds important skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[2] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your teen thinking about establishing a routine for daily family reading by asking open-ended questions. Seeking your teen’s input and offering authentic choices in designing a plan to establish a routine for daily reading offers multiple benefits. 

In gaining input, your teen

●      has the opportunity to think through their routine and problem-solve any challenges they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine)

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning -- reading

Actions

●      Get curious about the books your teen is reading at school. They may be reading books you remember. Engage them in a discussion about the books they are reading. You could ask questions like:

○      “What are you interested in reading these days?”

○      “I know there’s a lot you have to read for school. What are you reading for pleasure?”

●      Allow choice to add to your teen’s sense of control and motivation to read. 

○      “How do you want to spend your time after school?”

○      “Considering all the activities that typically occur after school, when is the best time to read?”

●      Consider joining a book club with your teen, where you both read the same book. Various book clubs are available online or through your local library.

●      Approach reading time as a treat, not a chore. If you save it for the enjoyable time after business, like homework or getting ready for bed, then reading together can be viewed by all as a desirable time to be together.

●      Allow your teen to select their books to read. Have them check out the online review tool from Common Sense Media (or download their app) to learn about a book before selecting it to get a sneak preview. 

●      Don’t attempt to champion a particular book. Your teen might show interest if you prefer a title, but holding on too tightly to the idea might turn them against it.

●      Make a family rule to turn screens off one hour before typical bedtime. Research shows this is important to ensure a good night’s sleep. It also offers time for reading if that’s when you want to include it in your routine.

●      Create a space. Take some time to determine a consistent space for reading time. Though reading can take place anytime, anywhere, having a designated place ensures there is a well-lit, quiet, and comfortable spot. Your reading space aims to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your teen to fully focus on a story. Setting up a reading nook can be highly motivating to any reader, young or old, and may encourage more of their own time spent on reading.

●      Create a family reading rule. Invite discussion at dinner about books that the family is reading. Engage in the topic equally so your teen is not carrying the burden of the conversation.

●      Follow your teen’s interests. They are asked to engage in reading that may not interest them at school. It is okay if your teen only wants to read graphic novels for fun. Listening to audiobooks can also be a fun way to incorporate reading with a teen who shows little interest in picking up a book. Listening to a book together on a long car ride can be a great way to share in a reading experience.   

●      Consider removing easy technology distractions at least an hour before bedtime and incorporating reading into your teen’s wind-down routine. Transitioning from the excited brain activity of technology to sleep can be difficult, but reading can be an excellent transition. 

Tip: Make it fun! Designing a reading spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Let your teen pick out their own pillows, bean bag chairs, or bookmarks. Step 2. Teach New Skills

Your teen is likely working hard to read more complicated texts and fully comprehend the layers of meaning in their reading. Your teen may still have difficulty with certain vocabulary words, recalling and putting together the continuity of the story, or understanding metaphors and symbolism. They may also need to tackle research learning from more scholarly works. The roles of reading and how it can support your older teen are changing and evolving. Learning about what developmental milestones[5]  your teen is working on can help you know which aspects might be more difficult.

●      Fifteen to nineteen-year-olds are trying to figure out their adult identity, understand how to make important life decisions, and build relationships with peers and influential others. This may be a highly emotional time as teens face leaving home for the first time and living independently. In addition to the pivotal role that reading will play throughout their school years, reading can also become social and emotional support if older teens have the environment that cultivates it. In other words, teens can find solace, a sense of calm, and even understanding in the books they read. They may discover that the problems they face are typical. Stories may even help reframe their problems to offer valuable perspectives that, in the larger scheme of world events, their problems aren’t quite so bad. Reading can also offer entry into people’s life choices in ways that spur empathy and also help exercise moral reasoning as older teens grapple with the gray areas of decision-making.

Actions

●      Ask open-ended questions. When your teen invites you to learn more about what they are reading or asks a question, listen with interest. Use any invitation as a learning moment for you to learn about your teen. You can also ask prompting questions such as:

○      “I have noticed you reading a lot of historical fiction. What interests you about historical fiction?”

○      “What are some of your favorite books?”

○      “What interests you about this story or these characters?” 

○      “What are the characters feeling or thinking?” 

○      “Why are they making the choices they make? Would you have made different choices?”

○      “What are you learning about?” 

●      Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer or make conclusions since you want your teen to reach their own conclusions.

●      Parents do not need to be subject matter experts EVER! Your teen may have questions about what they are reading. If you find that you are finding it challenging to get the right answer, take a step back. Realize that you are stealing a learning opportunity away from them. Instead, ask yourself, “How can I provide the guidance and support for them to research and learn the answer to the question or solve the problem themselves (even if they get it wrong)?”

●      Model reading. Parents who read have teens who read. Your older teens notice whether you read or not. If reading is one of the activities that parents tend to do in their free time, teens observe that and are much more likely to pick up a book in their free time. If you’ve fallen out of the habit of reading or you read before bed after your teen is asleep, think about ways you can model reading. Perhaps you can discuss the books you are reading. Perhaps you spend time at the library together and pick up your selection while you are there. Consider: “How is reading a regular part of what we do as a family?”

●      Research together. Though it’s tempting to do all research online, be sure to include books or articles in your research process. If your teen is doing a science project on animal habitats, internet research can be helpful. But be sure also to seek books that provide useful background information. This cultivates a habit for them of seeking out the information they require through books. 

●      Teach the essential “brain break.” Breaks do not represent weakness or a lack of persistence. Human brains work better if they get frequent breaks. Teens need processing time, particularly as they face taking in so much new information if they study, research, or read a longer book. This coping strategy can serve your older teen through college or in dealing with job stress.

●      Support your teen’s reading habit! If you have a separate budget for entertainment and education, consider that reading should fall under “education” because of the many and varied benefits. Visit the library frequently or allow purchases when you go to your local bookstore. Let your older teen lead the way in selecting their reading preferences, and try to hold back judgment on them.

●      Depending on your teen’s school, reading can often become highly stressful. If your teen’s school focuses on rigor and loads students with extensive reading, teens can begin viewing reading as a drag. Remove that burden at home. Focus on joy and connection. Make reading fun. 

Tip: Research shows that many boys tend to stop reading for pleasure by their own choice around nine or ten. ^5^Experts suspect this is because boys tend toward nonfiction topics like the natural world or how-to topics like how to build a treehouse. They also gravitate toward graphic novels or comics. Experts suspect that parents can voice their disapproval of these reading choices and inadvertently discourage reading. Be sure you leave judgment of book choices behind and only encourage their reading. Nonfiction and graphic novels are excellent choices if they interest your young adult. As long as it’s safe content, offer your support and interest.Tip: The “brain break” strategy is used by emotionally intelligent adults. So, if your teen questions the validity of your actions, you can reassure them that this is a form of self-management that skilled adults use to move through difficult problems or work.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Your daily routines are opportunities for your teen to practice vital new skills. With practice, your teen will improve over time as you give them the chance with support. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen (and eventually form habits) each time your teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themself.

Reading practice can take the form of reading together, individually or discussing what each family member is reading. When teens talk about what they are reading, they grow vital new brain connections around presentation, summarizing, and synthesizing. 

Actions

●      Use “I’d love to hear…” statements. When teens learn a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Say, “I’d love to hear more about the book you are reading.” This can be used when you are in the after-school routine and need that alert to move on to reading time.

●      Your teen will routinely have to provide summaries of books they read at school. Asking your teen about the books they are reading helps them practice this skill. Get curious about their points of view. Ask questions to gather more information. Probe further when they give you short answers. For example, if you ask how your teen likes a book, and your teen responds with “It’s okay,” you can follow up with:

○      “What keeps you interested in the book?”

○      “Tell me a little bit about the story.”

○      “What do you hope happens in the story?”

○      “What’s the overall message of the book?” 

○      “What do you think about the message?”

●      Recognize effort. Recognize effort by saying “I notice...” statements like, “I notice how you sat down to read without my prompting. Looks like you’re enjoying it. Great!”

●      Proactively remind your teen to help them be successful. You may whisper in your teen’s ear, “Remember what time it is? What are you reading today?”

Trap: Resist the temptation to repeat yourself constantly. Teens are eager to push away and demonstrate their independence. Have confidence that your modeling is enough to promote a positive reading habit.Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your teen several new positive learning habits so that they understand how to perform them. You’ve practiced together, and now, you can offer support when it’s needed....

Trust is an essential foundation for every healthy relationship. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your eighteen-year-old’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship and understand how to promote trust in your teen.

Teens and emerging young adults ages 15-19 are in the process of exerting their independence and spending more time with peers. They are working on understanding and predicting others’ thoughts and feelings. As they do, they also may seek to hide the truth, particularly if they fear harsh judgment from respected adults or peers. They are also testing boundaries and taking more risks socially and academically. Often, that risk-taking can lead to mistakes, misbehaviors, or even failure. Teens may be tempted to cover up their failures or want to take risks their parents may not permit. 

Though younger children cannot distinguish between the subtleties of deception, teens and emerging adults can understand the differences between honest mistakes, guesses, and exaggerations, as well as sarcasm and irony. As part of their cognitive and moral development, a full understanding of lying and its consequences continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescence. 

The key to many parenting challenges, like raising teens who learn the value of truth-telling, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your teen’s needs. The steps below will prepare you to help your teen learn more about your family values, how they relate to lying, and how you can grow and deepen your trusting relationship.

Why Lying?

Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old lying about where they went after school or your seventeen-year-old lying about failing a test, your teen’s ability to tell the truth can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies.

Today, in the short term, honesty can create

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other

●      a sense of well-being for a parent and teens

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

●      builds skills in self-awareness

●      builds skills in social awareness, perspective-taking, empathy, and compassion

●      builds skills in self-control

●      develops moral and consequential thinking and decision-making

Five Steps for Teaching Your Teen About Honesty

This five-step process helps you teach your teen about honesty. It also builds essential skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your teen thinking about honesty by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to honesty so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

●      has the opportunity to become more aware of how they are thinking and feeling related to lies and truth

●      can begin to formulate what it means to be in a trusting relationship

●      can think through and problem-solve any temptations to lie they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themself (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing new strategies and taking responsibility for their relationships)

●      will have more motivation and courage to take responsibility for their actions

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

Actions

●      Ask questions and listen carefully to your teen’s responses since they will shape how you talk about lying and honesty. Questions you could ask include: 

○      “Who do you trust and why?” 

○      “What’s important to you about honesty?”

○      “Have you ever been lied to? How did it feel?”

○      “When are you tempted to lie?”

○      “How do you feel when you get away with a lie? How do you feel when you get caught in a lie?”

○      “What’s the worst thing that could happen if you tell the truth about a misbehavior?”

Tip: Teens don’t want to be in the spotlight, and questions can feel like an interrogation. So, look for comfortable windows of opportunity to introduce the questions. For example, is your teen telling you about a friend who lied to their parents? Or are you watching someone lie on a reality television show together? Those are ideal moments to move into these kinds of conversations.Step 2. Teach New Skills

Being honest about motivations, feelings, limitations, and choices can be tough for adults. No wonder teens have difficulties determining when, how, and why honesty is important. Learning about developmental milestones[4]  related to honesty and moral development can help parents know how to help their teens.^1^

●      Fifteen to nineteen-year-olds strive to figure out their adult identity and may push parents away as they attempt to gain independence. Teens may be exposed to more risky behaviors like drinking, trying drugs, or sex. Lying fits this equation if they experiment in dangerous areas and don’t want adults to intervene. Older teens have a much greater sense of logic and fairness in larger social contexts (though their rational brain capacity is not fully formed until their mid-twenties). They can wrestle with ethical dilemmas (and may enjoy it) and think them through more sophisticatedly than ever before. This helps them exercise their responsible decision-making skills.

In addition to these milestones, you’ll also find clues on where to focus your teaching as you examine their challenges with honesty. Reflect and ask yourself, “In what circumstances have I noticed my teen lie?” If it involves several areas, write them down and consider how you might use one or several teaching tools to help your teen learn.

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and sets your teen up for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[5]  for when expectations are not met.

Actions

●      Model honesty. Modeling honesty could be sharing aloud what you are thinking when expressing how you feel since this is an area where adults tend not to share their honest feelings fully. For example, you could share the opposite of the truth first and then share what the truth for you is. This shows your teen the contrast and makes your internal debate apparent. For example, “I am tempted to say that I feel just fine in response to your ‘How are you?’ But, the truth is that I am upset about a conversation I had at work, and I can’t seem to get it off my mind.”

●      Teach your teen to take a breath before answering. This will give your teen a moment to allow their thinking brain to catch up with their reactive/emotional brain and allow them to share a more honest response.

●      Ask the right questions to help your teen succeed. Instead of “Did you do this?” ask, “Tell me what happened.”

●      Ask your teen about the lie they just told. You might say, “What happened just now that made you lie to me?”

●      Catch your teen telling you the truth, especially when it is difficult. You can say, “I know it was hard to tell me the truth, and I appreciate your honesty.”

●      Talk about trust and how it is built slowly but can be broken quickly. Help your teen understand that lies today lead to a lack of trust that will significantly impact them tomorrow. For example, if you can’t trust their word about what they did after school, you will not trust them about whose party they are going to later. 

●      Take time to examine how you feel when your teen lies. Many parents highly value honesty and may worry that lying in adolescence will equate to a dishonest characteristic in their teens. While it is important to teach honesty, it is also important to keep in mind that it is developmentally appropriate for a teen to lie if they are concerned about a negative consequence. A calm approach will help your teen do the brave work of learning honestly, even when it is hard. 

●      Learn about moral development. In understanding how moral development emerges in teens, Carol Gilligan proposed three stages she called “The Stages of an Ethic of Care.”^2^ These three stages help you understand and empathize with your teen’s point of view and also help you set goals for guiding them forward. 

○      Selfish

■      Every person’s worldview begins with a survival perspective focused only on themselves. This worldview (infancy through nine years old) assists young children in focusing on securing relationships and establishing their support for survival so that they can open their minds to other possibilities later in life. This focus on a secure attachment allows children to form healthy relationships and gives them the confidence to explore school and their world beyond home.

■      In this worldview, rules are given by authorities, not questioned but obeyed, and taken literally. If they are disobeyed, there is punishment. But, if a person remains stuck in this survivalist worldview, it limits their growth and ability to demonstrate care for themselves and others. It also limits making decisions that involve taking responsibility for one’s role in a larger community. As a person moves out of this phase, there is a questioning of authority, which is necessary for moving from a sense of selfishness and survival to responsibility.

○      Social

■      This is the phase your teen ages fifteen to nineteen is likely in. In this phase of moral development, caring for others takes primacy. A core sense of responsibility is established, an awareness of others surrounding the individual emerges, and their impact on those others becomes the focus. In this stage, self-sacrifice is good. Individuals may care for others while ignoring their own needs. They may even harm themselves (perhaps inadvertently) to help others. In this stage, the individual becomes aware of the rules of the wider society and obeys them to avoid guilt. This is where most teens will be in their development.

■      Moving out of this phase into the final phase, the individual moves from goodness to truth, from responsibility to gain approval to an internalized compass for not hurting self or others in concert with or despite societal rules.

○      Principled

■      Most people never evolve their worldview to this place, though this is the final stage. In this stage, the person’s thinking evolves to valuing nonviolence and making decisions, however complex the situation, relative to not harming self or others. Though this kind of thinking and the following actions are rare, it certainly is a level to pursue and promote with teens.

■      As with all stages of development, individuals can dip into former stages depending upon the circumstances. The previous stages are always a part of a person. 

●      Teach positive behaviors when you identify misbehaviors. Teens are most tempted to lie when they make a poor choice or mistake. With that knowledge, each time your teen breaks a rule, consider the question: “What positive behavior can I teach my teen to replace what I’ve told them not to do?” 

●      The following simple process, interactive modeling, can be used by teachers to become a powerful teaching tool for parents.^3^

○      Say what you will model and why.

○      Model the behavior. 

○      Ask your teen what they noticed.

○      Invite your teen to model.

○      Ask what they noticed with their modeling.

○      Practice together.

○      Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…” statements.

○      Share your family values and need for trust.  

●      At a family meal, share a personal story about how trust between family members has been critical in a safety or other important situation. Talk about how you come up with alternative solutions when tempted to lie.

Trap: Teens who fear punishment when misbehaving are prone to lie to cover up their mistakes. Part of modeling as parents requires learning more about how to teach responsibility and self-discipline through alternative strategies. Trap: Teens who are left alone frequently and whose needs are neglected often turn to lying to find attention, take unhealthy risks, and meet their needs in ways that can be self-destructive and potentially destructive to others.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can involve cooperative work or trying out a new skill with you as a coach and ready support. It is nice and necessary for teens to internalize new skills. It makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen performs the new action.

Actions

●      Use “I’d love to see/hear…” statements. You may want to offer your teen practice in truth-telling when it’s tempting to lie. When you notice misbehavior, before your teen can attempt to cover it up, you might say, “I imagine that there’s a part of you that is worried about getting into trouble, so I would love to see you take a risk and try truthfully telling me what happened.”

●      Recognize effort. Frequently, teens get feedback on what they are not doing right, but how often do you recognize when they are working on their behaviors? Recognize effort by saying “I notice...” statements like, “I notice how you told me when you went to the movies with your friends instead of staying at your friend’s house. I appreciate your honesty!”

●      Focus on the logical consequences of dishonesty. Show them the logical consequences if your teen lies about where they are. You may need help trusting what they are saying. This may translate to you saying “no” the next time they ask to go out. Or it may mean they will be escorted next time. 

●      Discuss characters in stories. Courage to be true to self is a universal theme that comes up in literature time and again. Find these heroes, particularly those who are flawed and human. Point out their faults and frailties, and then learn together how they triumph. Be sure to discuss how the conquering hero has to make choices that do not align with what others want.

●      Proactively remind. Often, parents have a sense of when a teen is tempted to lie. Before they do, you may whisper in your teen’s ear, “Remember to tell the truth even when you make mistakes, and then we’ll figure out the rest together.”

Tip: The best way to turn around misbehavior is to recognize when and how your teen makes good choices and acts positively in similar circumstances. They need to learn what to do and what not to do. Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your teen some strategies for telling the truth and understanding why lying is harmful. You’ve practiced together. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences. Parents naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different. 

Actions

●      Ask key questions before jumping to responses or decisions for action. Parents and those in a parenting role are often in a position where they have to direct their teen’s actions, but jumping in and directing your teen’s actions can become the default if you are not careful. Look for chances to ask questions before stepping in with directives. Good questions promote thinking and help teens internalize the evaluative process of responsible decision-making – thinking through the action to the consequence sequence before they act. 

○       “How do you feel about the decision you made?” 

○      “What does your heart or inner voice tell you?”         

○      “What are some options if you break a rule?”

●      Learn about development. Each new age and stage will present different social challenges. Being informed about what developmental milestones your teen is working toward will offer you empathy and patience. 

●      Reflect on outcomes. “Remember when you broke the neighbor’s lawn chair? You told her you were sorry; she said she knew it was an accident and had it repaired. It was all okay, and we appreciated your honesty.” 

●      Stay engaged. Working together on ways to...

Eighteen-year-olds require the ability to follow directions to succeed at home, school, and their job. Whether they are completing homework, following safety instructions, or showing their knowledge on tests, they will need to be able to follow directions. Though telling your teen to do something may seem simple, listening and engaging in several steps given in an instruction necessitates several brain functions in addition to motivational factors. 

Teens ages fifteen to nineteen are working on understanding what it means to act responsibly. They are working to understand the rules and apply them in various settings. They are working on their independence. They increasingly care for their bodies (eating right, getting exercise). They are learning about relationships (managing their feelings and impulses, empathizing and working through conflict, being dependable, and keeping promises). They meet school requirements (manage homework and extracurriculars) and contribute to the household in which they live (do chores and cooperate with rules and expectations). 

They are also working to define their identity. As they develop, as part of their growing self-awareness and self-management, they will test boundaries, forget things, and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on approaching a hurt relationship, revisiting missed obligations, and repairing harm. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for learning how to take responsibility. 

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can be deliberate in offering instructions to help your teen successfully follow directions. Understanding multiple-step directions engages their short-term and complex working memory, an executive function that requires practice and development over time. In the case of short-term memory, you might ask your teen, “Would you complete your homework before dinner, get your shower done after dinner, and be in bed by nine, please?” They need to remember those three items as they move on to their homework. In an academic setting, as another example, a teacher may say, “At the end of our class, I’ll give you time to take out your pencils, read the directions at the top of the page, and fill in only questions 3. and 5.” Students have to retain that information as the teacher moves on to other topics and also plan for what they will need to do when they come to the time when they have to implement the teacher’s instructions. This expectation utilizes complex working memory and can be challenging for students.^1^

Following directions can involve all five core social and emotional competencies[1] . Teens may need to be aware of their strengths and limitations (self-awareness) to complete the tasks given. They must use their self-management skills to wait and focus on what’s been instructed when necessary. They may require social awareness or empathy as they work to understand the needs, feelings, and thoughts of the one giving them directions. They will use their relationship skills by listening actively to what’s required. They will also use their responsible decision-making skills to decide whether and how to follow through with a request or instruction.

Some parents and those in a parenting role may feel frustrated and even angry when their teens do not follow their directions as they requested. A parent may perceive that a teen who is not following their directions is defiant or disrespectful, but in reality, there may be another reason for the behavior.  There are several factors to consider when a teen does not follow a direction. When faced with this situation, a parent may ask themselves:

-       Does your teen have the total capacity and skills to follow the directions? 

-       Does your teen have any barriers to completing the tasks, including motivational or environmental (for example, a sibling distracting them or a fear of failure or criticism)?

-       Have you communicated in ways that a teen can best understand, listen to, retain, and act successfully?

Building a trusting relationship provides your teen's foundational safety and motivation to follow directions. Using teachable moments that grow your teen’s skills can be transformational in preparing them to follow directions at home and school. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters. 

Why Following Directions?

When your fifteen-year-old can’t seem to remember to turn in their homework assignments without multiple reminders or your seventeen-year-old appears to forget what you’ve asked them to do the moment they leave your sight, these situations are opportunities to support your teen in following directions. 

Today, in the short term, preparing your teen to follow directions can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your teen retain calm and focus

●      a greater understanding of the connection between your teen’s feelings and their behaviors 

●      competence in managing, focusing on, and executing multiple requests

●      trust each other that you are helping them learn and act in ways that will help them succeed at home and school

Tomorrow, in the long term, following directions will help your teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision-making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

Five Steps for Following Directions

This five-step process helps you understand your teen's motivation for following directions and build the necessary skills. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about it)[2] .

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

Three essential factors can influence a teen’s ability to follow through fully on your directions. First, they must feel they have the skills and ability to perform the task they are asked to perform. Some will be willing to try a new task without much practice, but others may feel they require competence before performing a task. Second, they must be able to retain the request (working memory), especially if there are multiple steps or asks in the request. Finally, they will also require motivation to follow through on the given tasks. The conditions for motivation come from a safe, trusting relationship but can also be influenced by their feelings.

You can ask questions to gauge whether these conditions have been met so your teen is ready to follow directions.

Actions

You might ask your teen:

●      Have you done this task before? If not, do you need to practice together or other support while trying it out?

●      If they have done it before, what was your experience last time you did this task? How did you feel about it?

●      Can you recall the three steps I asked you to take? 

●      How do you feel about doing this task? 

Teens ages fifteen to nineteen are still learning to understand their feelings (especially when they have many or some that conflict), other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. So, they may or may not be able to fully answer the question about how they feel. This feelings list can help.[5]  They will need your support to figure this out. When you and your teen are calm, reflect on their feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

●      “Do they have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help to be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your eyes widened when I asked you to finish your homework. Are you worried you won’t understand your homework?” 

○      “I asked you to grab three things from the closet, and you looked confused. Do you know which items I meant?”

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to your teen's concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your teen is communicating. Sometimes, we can identify the feelings behind their words, including a fear of failure.

○      Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is a meaningful way to check your understanding while teaching teens how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this: 

■      Teen: “I'm taking care of things, Mom.” 

■      Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear you are taking care of things.” 

■      If you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example, you can reflect the feeling implied. Also, you can seek further clarification if it’s needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I can hear also that you might be feeling frustrated that I’m reminding you about your homework.”

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?”See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now, ask, “How does your body feel when you are frustrated?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your teen feels and make the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having.

Tip: Be sure to co-create family rules and routines around smartphones and devices. Be sure you have a daily designated time when all will be silent or powered down to entirely focus on connecting.

 

If Your Teen Has Not Followed Your Directions…

If your teen has already shown that they are unable or unwilling to follow your directions, you could feel frustrated or even angry. So, step back before you move forward with these questions. Before you can get input from your teen to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. They will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

●      Ask yourself if they are hungry or tired. You could offer a snack or ask them to take some time to rest.

●      Think about how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths (it really does help) or sit quietly for a few minutes. 

●      If basic needs like hunger or tiredness are not issues, take additional steps to help them calm down[6] . This might involve offering a hug or helping them take deep breaths.

●      Teach your teen positive ways to seek control or power. How can they demonstrate responsibility by caring for their possessions or caring for a sibling? Each time your teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to teach and practice that can replace the inappropriate behavior.

●      Is your teen lacking agency and trying to gain some power? Self-power is an essential human need. So, look for chances to offer choices and ask questions versus telling or directing.

Trap: Avoid letting questions turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the child uncover feelings.Trap It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to immediately address the underlying feelings with a simple “No” or other way of shutting it down. Remember, all feelings are valid and need to be accepted. All reactions to feelings may not be acceptable. For example:●      When a teen is angry, instead of saying, “You shouldn’t be mad,” shift to “I see you are angry; how can we help you feel better? What about taking a walk, a break, or deep breaths?”●      When a teen is frustrated, instead of saying, “Here, let me do it,” shift to “This can be hard. Do you want some help?”

 

Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of following directions is to grow new skills and the ability to persevere when requests are made that align with your teen’s success. Learning new skills requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning about your teen’s developmental milestones[7]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your teen.^2^

●      Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and be preoccupied with peer interactions. Because of this, they may come to you for support and a listening ear but may also be conflicted as they attempt to assert their independence.

●      Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident in themselves. They may have new important goals outside of school (jobs, driving, dating), and along with them, they may have worried. Your focused listening will matter significantly as they consider new emerging adult roles. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider graduation and life after high school. This can be a high-stress time. Teens may come to you with significant emotional needs, and your ability to listen can offer critical support. Teens will need to feel that their sense of independence is being respected so that they can follow directions.

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are now considered emerging adults. Their lives will change in major ways, whether entering college, living independently, or beginning a job. This is a time for redefining your adult-to-adult relationship. Listening closely to their needs without judgment and offering your assurance that they can do it on their own are some of your most important roles. 

Teaching is different from just telling. It builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is also an opportunity to reflect on meaningful, logical consequences if expectations are unmet.

Actions

●      Teach your teen the skills required to follow your directions. Did you ask him to mow the lawn? Demonstrate first (watching you enact the skill increases their ability to perform the action!).

●      If there are written directions, read them together and follow the steps together. If you ask your teen to perform a task for the first time, do it together to ensure they feel competent the next time you ask. 

●      If you are trying to establish a routine, ask your teen if a checklist would help them remember the steps.  Work with your teen to create the checklist and post it in a visible location, such as the bathroom mirror, refrigerator, or bedroom door.  When it is time for the instructions or routine, you can empower your teen by asking, “What is next on your checklist?” instead of instructing them what is next. 

●      Model active listening while interacting with your teen. Modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools and impact students' school performance.

●      Try out active listening together. Ask your teen to tell you one funny thing that happened at school. Listen carefully without distraction to fully understand what they are saying, and wait until they are finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it” or “I hear you.” Make eye contact and practice placing your entire focus on the speaker. Now switch, have your teen ask about one funny thing at work, and listen to you.

●      Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your teen will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself: “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating that I’m listening?”

●      Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to what your teen says, see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.

●      Paraphrase. Try out the skill of paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check your listening accuracy and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. You might start by saying,“I heard you say that…” Model it, and then have your teen try it.

●      Seek clarification. Mainly, if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Model seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?” After you model this, allow your teen to try it out.

●      Demonstrate poor listening and good listening. You can make it a fun acting skit showing what poor listening and good listening look like. Start by having one person act out what poor listening skills look like. Exaggerate and make it funny! Then, reflect and ask: “What did you notice about their body language?” Next, another person should model good listening skills. Then, reflect and ask questions like: “What did they do? How did their body change?”

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Teens ages fifteen to nineteen are still learning about...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and setting up a homework routine provides a terrific opportunity. 

Teens ages fifteen to nineteen are adapting their early school-age learning habits to meet their more demanding workload. They are establishing critical learning habits that will extend throughout their school years, including how they approach research and study. In addition to managing daily homework assignments, fifteen-to-nineteen-year-olds will be assigned longer-term projects. These may include research, writing, group coordination, and reading novels or longer nonfiction works. Frequently, teachers leave the planning and organizing of those projects up to the students. In these situations, teens may be challenged by tackling new, more complex content and figuring out how to work on the project over time. This can be a great test of patience.

For most teens, homework is a nightly and ongoing reality. Research shows that a parent or someone in a parenting role plays a key role. Teens with a parent or someone in a parenting role supporting their learning at home and engaged in their school community have more consistent school attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those without. ^1^ Indeed, the best predictor of students’ academic achievement is parental involvement. 

Yet, there are challenges. You may discover outdated and incomplete assignments crumpled in your teen’s backpack. Or, your teen may procrastinate on a long-term project until it becomes a crisis the night before it’s due. Questioning their work may result in arguments when they have other goals. 

While getting a regular homework routine going might be challenging, it can be a positive experience and promote valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support a homework routine.

Why Homework?

Teens and emerging young adults are managing a larger and more complex workload, new study skills, and longer-term projects. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. Layered in with the day-to-day school assignments, there may also be future academic goals they want to reach (like going to college), which will require planning and incremental action steps. Schoolwork and school goals can become a daily challenge if you don’t create regular routines with input from your teen in advance, clarify roles and responsibilities, and establish a plan for success.

Today, in the short term, homework routines can create

●      greater cooperation and motivation

●      greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care

●      less frustration due to better organization, space, and resources

●      opportunities to learn about your teen’s school curriculum

●      added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your teen

●      builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting

●      builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence

●      gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency

●      develops positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success

Five Steps for Creating a Homework Routine

This five-step process helps your family establish a routine for homework. It also builds essential skills in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your teen thinking about establishing a homework routine by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt their thinking. You’ll also begin to understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to homework better so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

●      has the opportunity to think through the routine and problem-solve any obstacles they may encounter ahead of time

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for implementing the routine)

●      will have more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about a critical aspect of their learning -- their homework

Actions

●      Declare learning independence! Begin by letting your teen know they are in charge of their learning, and you are there to support them whenever they request it. You understand that a consistent routine will help everyone in the family respect your teen’s time and schedule when it comes to getting down to work because one of your teen’s top developmental priorities is declaring independence, articulating and recognizing that you will respect that priority is critical to success with this age group.

●      Allowing choice will increase your teen’s sense of control and motivation to do the work during the allotted time. Ask questions like:

○      “Considering all the activities that typically occur after school, when is the best time for you to do homework?”

○      “How can I help support you in getting your homework done?” 

●      Experiment to figure out a plan. Your teen has changed since their younger years along with the demands of their homework, so it’s an ideal time to revisit the question of when your teen feels they’ll be at their best to tackle homework in the hours after school. Ask key questions and assign a first trial week. If one time doesn’t work, try out an after-dinner time and ask again: “Does this time work better?” Everyone has different energy cycles and times when they feel better able to focus, so work on discovering that rhythm with your teen, and you’ll go a long way toward setting them up for success! 

●      Once you agree upon a time that makes sense for all, your attempts to keep that time sacred and consistent for homework are essential to ensure it becomes a habit and routine. If you are consistent, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your teen will know what to expect and when to expect it.

●      Take note of when your teen says it is best to do homework. Agree upon a timer that can go off at that time each day. Instead of calling it “Time for homework,” which may incite a battle, an inanimate, dispassionate object alerts them. You can use a kitchen timer outside or inside or collaboratively set an alarm on your cell phone or tablet. 

●      If your teen has decided to do homework right after school, be sure they know to have a healthy, high-protein snack first (peanut butter crackers, cheese, fruit, etc.). The social stress and expectations of school may be draining and could wear on a teen’s motivation to continue to work hard through the evening. Be sure they have the fuel necessary (through proper nutrition and a good night’s rest) to get through their work.  

●      Your teen may feel it’s necessary to stay up all night studying for a test, particularly if they have procrastinated studying. Know and share the facts! Your teen is more likely to get a higher score with a good night’s rest than a whole night of studying and less sleep.  

●      Set up space. Take some time to help them determine a consistent space for homework completion. You may look for

○      a well-lit location

○      proximity to your family’s living space or kitchen (wherever you’ll typically be so that you are never far to offer support)

○      a durable work surface that can get dirty

●      Work with your teen to get the space ready. They'll want to set up the space with:

○      school supplies include loose-leaf paper, pens, pencils, pencil sharpeners, a dictionary, and any other items they anticipate they might need

○      no clutter (A disorganized environment can distract from a teen’s focus. So, work with them to eliminate clutter, organize tools, and only have the essentials. Invest in a few supply holders to keep tools neat and ready.)

○      a binder, bin, or other receptacle designated for school papers that are brought home and stay at home

○      a water bottle

●      Their homework space aims to provide a well-equipped, consistent place for your teen to focus entirely on the work. In this way, they’ll know what they can expect. You won’t have to argue over frustrations when they can’t find a school tool. And they’ll learn to take greater responsibility for their learning as they work with you to organize this space.

●      Create a family homework rule. Be sure to discuss (at a family dinner, for example) how the family can respect homework time. Consider whether you want all siblings to do homework simultaneously or not. If you want everyone to do homework simultaneously, consider what must happen to make that happen. Either way, agree upon a homework rule that each will respect the person focused on their work and be quiet in that area of the house.

●      If your teen is prone to feeling overwhelmed by homework, you can scaffold your teen by breaking the work into chunks. Suggest that your teen set a timer for fifteen minutes of work and then take a five-minute brain break. Fifteen-minute chunks will help the task feel more doable.

●      Support your teen’s persistence skills with praise. “I know it is hard to juggle school work and your extracurriculars. I am impressed by how you are tackling things now.” Even if the transition to doing homework was challenging, remember to highlight any behaviors that move in the direction you are seeking more of. Many parents forget to acknowledge the baby steps toward the goal behavior.

●      Make it fun! Designing a homework spot together can be an enjoyable experience. Allow your teen to pick out their own organization bins and school tools. They could make a sign with their name to designate the space. Or create a poster with an inspirational saying like, “Good things come from hard work!” Take a little time to label your new supply holders with names, stickers, or drawings to let your teen personalize them. All this can be motivating as they make the space their own. 

●      When offering choices in designing a homework space that works best for your teen, they may prefer to set up a workspace in their bedroom because of their developmental desire for greater independence and privacy. If they do this, stop in a few times - not to check up on them - but to offer your support. 

●      At the beginning of the school year, before you have to turn around a bad habit, talk about screen time related to completing homework. Again, seek input. Ask, “What do you think our rules should be around cell phone use or friend communication during homework time? When is it appropriate and helpful? When is it distracting?” Talk about it to agree on a policy that seems reasonable to all.

●      When getting input from your teen, approach the conversation with curiosity.  If your teen insists they can focus better with music, ask them to explain why it helps.  Or ask them what studying techniques work best…is it reviewing notes, highlighting text, or drawing a graphic?  Helping them understand their learning style is valuable information to support their learning.

Step 2. Teach New Skills

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it’s easy to forget that your teen is learning new study skills involving project management, organization, and planning. Though they may be assigned work they are capable of doing; they may not be prepared to manage the larger workload. Because so much is new, expectations are more significant, and they feel they should already know it all; they can become overwhelmed and frustrated. Learning about what developmental milestones[4]  your teen is working on can help you understand which tasks might be more difficult.^2^, ^3^ Here are some examples as they relate to homework.

●      Fifteen-year-olds are in the final year of significant physical changes in puberty. They may feel insecure and sensitive to criticism. They may be preoccupied with peer interactions and impressions. Homework and academic goals are less important than socializing. Studying with friends may work poorly at this age because your teen may only focus on socializing rather than work. Though peers are highly influential, teens at this age still look to you for encouragement to handle the bigger expectations and workload. They may request your support with organization and planning for longer-term projects or studying. But, because they are still attempting to assert their independence, they want to own their work and only desire your active involvement when they seek it. Also, strong friendships can help motivate your teen to work hard in school, so your coaching and support of their connections with friends can also make a difference in their academic goal achievement.

●      Sixteen-year-olds are at the end of the awkwardness of their new physical being and are beginning to feel and appear more confident in themselves and who they are. They may have new important goals outside of school, like learning to drive, getting a driver’s license, getting a part-time job, or trying out a romantic partnership. All these are critical steps for their exploration of adult life. But, these goals have to be balanced with academic goals. So, sharing and discussing possible strategies for juggling multiple goals and how those goals can be managed effectively can help this age group.

●      Seventeen-year-olds have more serious pursuits on their mind. They may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider their graduation is coming up and think about life after high school. Some may be applying to colleges, and for those, that goal can require a lot of time and focus on studying and applying to schools. It can become a highly stressful time, so your support during this time is critical to help them (as they request) organize and manage the process and deal in healthy ways with the stress surrounding it.

●      Eighteen-year-olds and nineteen-year-olds are now considered emerging adults, gaining the ability to vote and socially recognized as adults. Many will enter college with a new set of academic goals and expectations. They may be eager to discuss the complexities of adult responsibilities because they are on the threshold of adulthood and perhaps facing living on their own for the first time. Most of all, they’ll need your listening and reflecting. At times, they may exude confidence, while at other times, they may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. This is a time for redefining your relationship, so paying close attention to their needs and offering assurance that they are ready and can do it independently, all while allowing for their independence, are some of your most important roles. 

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, it is easy to be confused about how best to support your teen’s homework. Here are some specific ways to define your role while ensuring your teen owns their learning process.

●      Ask questions. When your teen calls you over to ask about a problem, ask prompting questions such as:

○      “Where did you find this lesson in your book?” 

○      “What other places could you find the answer?” 

○      “What are other ways to think about your answer?”

○      Share your curiosity and interest in the subject, but do not provide an answer.

●      Plan and schedule. You can anticipate that multiple school and life goals, short- and long-term schoolwork, and projects are enough to challenge an experienced project manager. Even though your teen longs for independence, they can use your support to manage their goals and plot their action steps to meet them. 

○      Pick out a calendar together (a physical calendar or planner is preferable to a digital one since the physical act of writing seals the schedule more firmly into the creator’s brain).

○      Write out a list of school and life goals. This may need to be revisited quarterly as classes and priorities change. 

○      Place deadlines in the schedule, guesstimate the time needed to work toward goals, and place milestones or benchmarks in the calendar to help your young adult see how much needs to be accomplished each day or week. This kind of planning and organizing can go a long way toward helping your teen achieve their school and life goals today while establishing valuable practices and habits for their...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, your influence is vital in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship while instilling confidence in your teen to persist toward their goals and succeed in all areas of life. Everyone faces challenges, yet mistakes and failures are necessary for your eighteen-year-old’s learning and development. With your guidance and support, mistakes become a tool for learning and growing confidence.

The key to any parenting issue is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your teen’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you as you address any issue with your teen.

Why Any Issue?

As you address any issues, you build the foundation for your teen’s development. 

Your focus on cultivating a safe, trusting relationship and promoting life skills can create:

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other

●      a sense of well-being and motivation

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role to use on any issues and builds essential skills that will last a lifetime for your teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for teens to:

●      become more self-aware and deepen their social awareness 

●      exercise their self-management skills

●      build their relationship skills

●      demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making and problem-solving

Five Steps for Any Issue

This five-step process helps you and your teen with any issue. It builds critical life skills in your teen. The same process can be used to address other specific parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old confiding in you that they are scared of learning to drive, your seventeen-year-old in high school crying that they have no close friends or your nineteen-year-old avoiding the pile of college applications, these steps and associated questions can help you support your teen. 

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and healthy parenting relationships[3]  will support these steps.

 

Based on your teen’s development milestones, you will want to focus on the following as you move through the five steps:

●      Support your teen’s desire and capacity to evolve into adulthood and the changes that come with it. Focus on identifying and setting healthy boundaries as they grow. 

●      Continue to build confidence and healthy practices around “self-talk” and how to reframe negative self-talk.

●      Support your teen’s preparation for their goals beyond high school and encourage them to consider their choices, the resulting consequences, and responsible decision-making. 

●      Give your teen space to determine how much or how little they need your support and input. If they need it, give them a chance to figure out things independently, try and fail at things, and support the exploration of lessons learned. Remind them you are there if and when they need you. 

●      During this stage, consider that your role as a parent or caregiver shifts from manager to consultant. As a consultant, you will be there to support your teen and help them develop and practice their decision-making skills.

Step 1. Get your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

Getting your teen’s input will help you better understand their thoughts, feelings[4] , and challenges related to their feelings when confronting challenges. When your teen provides feedback, they:

●      have a more significant stake in the issue, a sense of ownership, and often greater responsibility around resolving the issue

●      are more motivated to work together on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life

●      grow their self-control as well as problem-solving skills

Actions

Some examples of getting input from your teen are:

●      How do you feel about making that decision? 

●      What did you think you did well?

●      What would you do differently next time? 

●      What motivates you to pursue this path?

●      What could be some of the benefits of going this route? What are some of the downsides?

●      What would it be if you wave a magic wand and make anything happen?

●      Tell me more about why you feel that way.

●      What makes you feel happy?

●      What are you most proud of?

●      What's been on your mind lately?

●      What are the possible consequences of doing that?

●      What is the worst thing that could happen if you break the rules? What’s the best thing that could happen if you follow them?

●      In what ways can I support you?

●      I can see I am missing what you are trying to tell me. Tell me again, I want to understand.

●      These are challenging emotions you are experiencing. Tell me more about how you are handling it.

●      Tell me about some great and not-so-great ways you are handling this.

●      It seems like something is troubling you. Are you open to sharing it with me?

●      Say more about what’s getting you down.

●      Say more about what’s got you distracted right now.

●      You’re right. Please tell me what you think is important for me to understand better.

●      It feels like I can’t relate to what you are going through. Tell me more so I can get it.

●      Say more about what you are worried about.

●      What are some downsides of going along with what your friends want?

●      How do you navigate making a decision when you feel pressured by your friends?

●      How can you talk to your friends about this? What could you say?

●      What is your biggest fear about this situation?

●      If another friend was in this situation, what advice would you give them?

Step 2. Teach New Skills 

It’s easy to forget that teens are learning every day - in school, with friends and other adults, and about themselves. Your teen is likely to make some mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments can determine how you help build their confidence. As teens develop their social and emotional skills, they also grow their sense of confidence. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can foster confidence through your relationship with your teen by focusing on helping your teen grow social and emotional skills. Learning about developmental milestones[5] can help you better understand what your teen is experiencing.

For example, teens ages 15-19

●      Are in the final stages of major physical changes and may feel insecure and sensitive to criticism. 

●      May be preoccupied with peer interactions. Academic goals are less important than socializing but still important. Teens may fear failure in front of their peers and seek to avoid certain projects. 

●      Are starting to grow in confidence and find their footing as they start to explore adult life. They may have new goals outside of school, worries related to learning to drive, getting a new part-time job, or trying out a romantic partnership. 

●      May become more focused on their academic and life goals as they approach their later teen years and the end of high school. At times, they may act overly confident, while at other times, they might resort to behaviors from earlier years.

●      Are considered emerging adults (ages 18-19) gaining the ability to vote, join the military, enter college, or work full-time. They may leave some friendships behind or might be making new friends as peers make different decisions for their future. At times, they may exude confidence; at other times, they may feel highly insecure and rely on you for comfort and security. 

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. 

Actions

Here are some ways that you can teach new skills to your teen:

●      It sounds like you’re going through a lot.  Would you like me to just listen, or would you like us to brainstorm some ideas together on how you can solve the problem?

●      Sometimes, these decisions feel overwhelming. What are your biggest concerns about doing this? Not doing this? 

●      I’d like to discuss some pros and cons of making one decision versus another. What do you think about that? 

●      I can see that you are telling yourself you can’t do it, is that right? 

●      I have some ideas I would like to share if you are open to them.

●      I have three ideas. Let me share them with you, and you can pick what works best for you. 

●      Let’s brainstorm a few different ways to solve this, and then you can see what is best for you.

●      What would the first part be if we broke this down into three parts?

●      Telling yourself you can’t do it can hurt your chance of meeting your goal. How can we turn that message around to help you?

●      When was the last time you were in a similar situation? What was that like, and what did you do?

●      It’s hard to go against the grain. It will become more challenging to stand up for what you want, yet the rewards of doing so will also be more significant. 

●      You’ve overcome this kind of pressure before and made your own choices. Remember that time you _____________? What did you do then that could apply now?

●      When I get in these situations, knowing there are others around to support me is helpful. I am here for you. 

Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Daily routines allow your teen to practice new skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen works hard toward a goal or demonstrates belief in themselves. It also provides significant opportunities to increase self-efficacy. Strive to create the conditions to support their success, and take time to explore what makes them feel confident and what takes away from their confidence. Share the experiences and skills you use when you don’t feel confident.

Actions

Here are some examples of ways you can practice with your teen:

●      What are some things that make you want to say yes in this situation? What are some things that make you want to say no? 

●      Let’s say I’m a friend being negatively pressured by another friend to do the same thing. What advice would you give me? 

●      You wonder why your friend is asking you to do something that doesn’t feel good, and you’re unsure how to respond. Practice saying to me what you would like to tell your friend. It may not come out right the first time, but we will get there. 

●      You think if you make a different decision from your friends, they might leave you out in the future. How can you express that to them?

●      You are weighing the decision to go along with your friends, and there are some pros and cons. Share with me what those are.

●      Remember how you introduced yourself last week to a new friend? How can you use that experience here?

●      It is easy to feel frustrated and want to give up. What can you say to yourself to keep going?

●      Let’s pause and do something different together and then return to this with fresh eyes. 

●      Imagine we are a month down the road. What would you be thinking about this situation?

Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

By providing support, you reinforce your teen's ability to succeed, help them grow cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and failures), and help them take responsibility. 

Actions

Here are some examples of how you can support your teen’s development and success:

●      You have some concerns about proceeding with this choice, yet you also seem to sense that this is your best path. 

●      You’re concerned about the long-term impact of this decision. It is awesome that you are thinking about the future like this.

●      You’re afraid you might not get the chance to reverse this decision if it’s the wrong one for you. I can tell this means a lot to you.

●      I noticed you spent extra time practicing today. Excellent.

●      I know this is a challenging space for you, but I have seen you overcome challenges before and come out on top.

●      I noticed you are thoughtful about considering your next steps. That shows real maturity, and you are doing a great job!

●      I realize you took a risk in trying something new.  I admire your decision to try an experience out of your comfort zone.

●      Sometimes, it seems that I’m completely against what you want to do, and that doesn’t feel good for you. 

●      You have made some good decisions this past year, and I trust that you will make a decision that doesn’t hurt you or others.

●      You are making decisions for yourself now, and they will have positive and negative consequences for you. I trust you will be thoughtful in how you approach these decisions.

●      One of your best qualities is (reference example). That will come in handy in this situation.

●      You should be proud of yourself for setting that boundary with your friend. I know that was a tough decision, but you see, you have different needs and goals. 

Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is helpful to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three parenting behaviors impact your teen’s behavior differently.   

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it.  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment, such as a smile or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the teen knows what to expect, like "If you keep your room clean all week, you will get a prize." (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. Rewards can decrease a teen’s internal motivation if used too often.     Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned and generally happen when a parent or someone in a parenting role is in a crisis. While bribes can be helpful in the short term to manage stressful situations, they will not grow lasting motivation or behavior change and should be avoided.Trap: It can be easy to resort to bribes when recognition and occasional rewards are underutilized. If parents or those in a parenting role frequently resort to bribes, it is likely time to revisit the five-step...

ListeningNow Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship while building necessary listening skills in your teen.

 

Your teen’s success depends on their ability to listen and understand what you and others communicate. Listening skills can support your teen’s ability to engage in healthy relationships, focus, and learn. For example, teens must listen to their teacher if they follow directions and successfully navigate expectations at school. Not surprisingly, better listening skills are associated with school success. 

Teens and emerging young adults ages 15-19 are transitioning between childhood and adulthood, learning about who they will become as independent people, their strengths and limitations, why they feel the way they do, and how they relate to others. This is also known as their self-awareness. They come to better understand themselves through interactions with you, their teachers, and their peers. This is a critical time to teach and practice listening skills. 

However, everyone encounters difficulties in listening. With screens, such as mobile devices, captivating teens for hours each day, it's easy to overlook chances to engage with your teen and practice listening skills. Effective listening involves utilizing crucial skills such as impulse control, focused attention, empathy, and nonverbal and verbal communication.

For parents or those in a parenting role, the key to many challenges, like building essential listening skills, is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your teen’s needs. The steps below include specific and practical strategies to prepare you for growing this vital skill. 

Why Listening?

Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old walking away frustrated while you are talking or your nineteen-year-old daydreaming during their teacher’s instructions and not understanding how to do their research paper, establishing regular ways of practicing listening skills can prepare your teen for family, school, and life success.

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to listen effectively and reflectively can create

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your relationships and responsibilities 

●      a sense of well-being and motivation to engage 

●      language and literacy fluency

Tomorrow, in the long term, working on effective listening skills with your teen

●      develops a sense of safety, security, and a belief in self

●      builds skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making

●      deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps For Building Listening Skills

This five-step process helps you and your teen cultivate effective listening skills, a critical life skill. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about it)[1] .

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and healthy parenting relationships[3]  will support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your teen thinking about listening skills by asking open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when they have difficulty focusing and listening so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

●      has a greater stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working on collaboration with you to deepen your ability to communicate with one another

●      will grow their self-control (adding to their ability to focus attention) as well as empathy and problem-solving skills

Actions

Consider what challenges your teen in their ability to listen effectively. Your active listening will begin modeling the very kinds of skills you are attempting to build. You might start by asking:

●      “Do you feel listened to? When and by whom?” 

●      “How do you know that the person truly listens to you?” 

●      “Are there times when someone is not listening to you?”

●      “How does that make you feel?”

Tip: During a family meal, explore the question: “What does it take to listen well?” Allow each family member to respond. Model listening by allowing each person to complete their thoughts without interruption or judgment.Step 2. Teach New Skills

Teens are learning to engage in healthy relationships through loving interactions, including listening effectively. Skill building takes intentional practice. Learning about developmental milestones[4]  can help you better understand what your teen is working hard to learn. 

●      Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and be preoccupied with peer interactions. Because of this, they may come to you for support and a listening ear but may also be conflicted as they attempt to assert their independence.

●      Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident in themselves. They may have new essential goals outside of school (jobs, driving, dating), and along with them, they may have worried. Your focused listening will matter significantly as they consider new emerging adult roles. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals as they consider graduation and facing life after high school. This can be a high-stress time. Teens may come to you with significant emotional needs, and your ability to listen can offer critical support. 

●      Eighteen and nineteen-year-olds are now considered emerging adults. Whether entering college, living independently, or beginning a job, their lives will change significantly. This is a time for redefining your adult-to-adult relationship. Listening closely to their needs without judgment and offering your assurance that they can do it on their own are some of your most important roles. 

Remember, teaching is different from just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. It also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see while promoting skills and preventing problems. 

Actions

●      Model specific listening strategies while interacting with your teen. Listening to your teen will build connection and cooperation; modeling listening skills can be one of the greatest teaching tools.

○      Set a goal for yourself. Pick a time of day when you know that you and your teen will be talking. Then, notice your body language. Ask yourself, “What is my body communicating, and how am I demonstrating I’m listening?”

○      Listen for thought and feeling. In addition to listening to the content of what the person says, see if you can identify the unspoken thought and feeling behind the content, in other words, the context.

○      Teens still seek and need their parents’ attention to thrive. Why not build a sacred time into your routine when you are fully present to listen to what your teen has to tell you? Turn your phone off. Set aside the chores. Set a timer if you need to. When your teen feels seen and heard, they will be better able to listen to others. Even 5 minutes of your undivided attention goes a long way in helping your teen feel seen and connected to you.

●      Learn listening strategies together. Teens are keenly interested in figuring out social dilemmas (asking a crush on a date, talking to a teacher about a poor grade, or responding to a peer’s mean words). Share a challenge (without a clear solution) at dinnertime and try out one of the following. 

○      Get curious. Don’t stop asking questions when you get one-word answers. Your teen must know that you will relentlessly work to get information from them. Your teen must know that they cannot just outwait you. So when you ask, “How was your day?” and your teen says, “Fine,” don’t stop. Try, “Say more, what was fine about it?” or “What was difficult about today?” or “What went well?” or “Let’s start at the beginning,” or “What made you laugh today?” Don’t give up!

○      Find opportunities to share. Model what it is like to share about your day. If your teen asks you how your day was, be sure not to respond with a superficial or one-word answer. Engage them about a conflict you had or a challenge you faced. See if they can help offer suggestions. 

o   Use active listening. Try out active listening, in which one person listens to fully understand what the speaker is saying and waits until the speaker is finished talking before responding. A response could be a simple “I get it.” Make eye contact and practice placing your full focus on the speaker.

o   Paraphrase. Try paraphrasing by repeating to the speaker a summary of what they’ve said to check your listening accuracy and confirm that you have heard them. You might start, “I heard you say that…”

o   Seek clarification. Try out seeking clarification. Particularly if you are listening to learn something from the speaker, it is important to seek clarification on details to ensure you understand. Practice seeking clarification by asking questions like, “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning? What happened?”

o   Practice questioning and commenting with empathy. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own experiences, focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. For example, your teen might say, “Today, Mrs. Smith started a new writing project. We get to write an essay on any topic we are interested in. I can’t wait.” Instead of responding with something like, “I remember when I was in school…,” which takes the focus away from your teen, you might say, “It sounds like you are excited about this project. Have you thought about what topic you are going to choose?” This empathetic pattern of speaking and listening requires practice. Your modeling will make a difference in your teen’s comfort with this communication style.^1

Tip: As your teen spends more time alone and with their peers, it can be challenging to entice them into meaningful conversations. “Fine” might be all you get in response to “How was your day?” So, turn down the car radio. Hang around them without your phone. Offer plenty of chances to listen when they are ready to talk.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

If you seize the opportunity, your daily conversations can allow your teen to practice vital new skills. Each time your teen works hard to practice essential listening skills, they grow vital new brain connections that strengthen and eventually form habits.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to grow self-efficacy—a teen’s sense that they can do a task or skill successfully. This leads to confidence. It will also help them understand that mistakes are part of learning.

Actions

●      Model aloud for yourself: “I’m setting a goal to listen at dinner without interrupting.” This helps reintroduce one of the conversation or listening strategies you’ve taught your family to practice at dinner. 

●      Recognize effort by noticing. “I noticed how you listened fully to your sister when she was upset. That’s so helpful to her.”

●      Play a favorite family board game. At the start, set a goal to listen to each other carefully. 

●      Work on lateral thinking riddles or logic puzzles together that require attentive listening and critical thinking skills.

●      Listen to TED Talks and discuss with your teen what was interesting or challenging about the talk.

Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you are developing your teen’s listening skills and allowing them to practice. Now, you can offer support when it’s needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, applying logical consequences[5] . Parents and those in a parenting role naturally offer support as they see their teen fumble with a situation in which they need help. This is no different. 

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to succeed and help them improve their listening skills. 

Actions

●      Ask key questions such as: “How did your lesson in literature class go today? Do you understand what you must do for your long-term research paper?”  

●      Learn about development. Each new age presents different social challenges. Regularly informing yourself about what developmental milestones your adolescent is working toward will help you be more empathetic and patient. 

●      Stay engaged. Working together on ideas for trying out new and different listening strategies can offer additional support and motivation for your teen when challenging issues arise.

●      Engage in further practice. Return to setting a listening goal for dinnertime conversations to reinforce skills. Create more opportunities to practice when all is calm.

●      If you are running into frequent challenges with listening, you could ask yourself a few questions:

○      Am I expecting something from my teen that they are developmentally able to do? Having expectations out of line with your teen’s developmental ability can be incredibly frustrating for both you and your teen.

○      Have I connected with my teen today on their terms? A teen who feels heard and seen is a far more cooperative teen. 

●      When your teen is having difficulty listening, be sure you are in the same room and try making contact. If your teen is distracted, shouting across the house is less likely to get their attention and more likely to escalate volume, repeated asks, and frustration for you and your teen.

●      Remember that a teen often wants you to listen without offering advice, suggestions, or problem-solving solutions. When your teen comes to you to talk, you may want to ask, “Are you wanting me just to listen, or are you seeking advice?”  If they just want you to listen, don’t try to problem-solve, or they may not come to you the next time they want to talk.

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after the negative behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process. First, get your feelings in check. Not only is this good modeling, but when your feelings are in check, you can provide logical consequences that fit the behavior. Second, invite your teen to discuss the expectations established in Step 2 for listening. Third, if you feel your teen is not holding up their end of the bargain (unless they do not know how), apply a logical consequence as a teachable moment.

Trap: When your teen does not listen to you or focuses elsewhere, you might be tempted to scold or repeat yourself, but be sure to give them additional chances. Everyone loses their focus sometimes. Seek clarification on what they heard and did not, and then review what you said again to help them refocus their attention.Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your teen's behavior.  

Recognition occurs after you observe the desired behavior in your teen. Noticing and naming the specific behavior you want to reinforce is key to promoting more of it. For example, “You listened to what I was saying without interrupting—I love seeing that!”  Recognition can include nonverbal acknowledgment such as a smile, high five, or hug.

Rewards can be helpful in certain situations by providing a concrete, timely, and positive incentive for doing a good job.  A reward is determined beforehand so the teen knows what to expect, like "If you listen to your teacher and bring home your entire homework assignment, you will get a treat on the drive home." (If you XX, then I’ll XX.) It stops any negotiations in the heat of the moment.  A reward could be used to teach positive behavior or break a bad habit. The goal should be to help your teen progress to a time when the reward will no longer be needed. If used too often, rewards can decrease a teen’s internal motivation.Unlike a reward, bribes aren’t planned ahead of time and generally...

Repairing HarmNow Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play am essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship. Teaching your teen to repair harm is a great opportunity. 

Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, or mentors. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome, which can harm others or themselves.” ^1 These skills grow your teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their teens will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a teen is punished, they often feel angry or hurt. They also may feel that your intervention is unfair or unjust as they exert more independence. This impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize. An even greater risk is that the injustice they feel can lead them to hide or not share challenging circumstances in their lives that you want to be aware of. 

Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors expected of a “bad teen.” To interrupt this cycle, parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support them in repairing harm.

You can expect that teens ages 15-19 will make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for teens to forget to pause before acting. Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to understand the impact and how to improve things. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that teens are developing higher-order thinking skills, such as consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school, including college success, their ability to sustain healthy relationships, and their ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become your teen's most powerful teaching opportunity as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and begin to understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with them will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

Why Guidance for Repairing Harm?

When your fifteen-year-old hides a failed test, your sixteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house where there’s alcohol available, or your nineteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are opportunities to guide them in repairing harm. 

Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your teen heal hurt relationships and make up for mistakes made

●      a greater understanding of the connection between your teen’s actions and their impact on themselves and others 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to make things right after harm has been done

●      a growing understanding of rules and expectations 

Tomorrow, in the long term, guidance for repairing harm helps your teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

●      build assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with peer pressure

Five Steps for Guiding Your Teen to Repair Harm

This five-step process helps you guide your teen to build the skills necessary to repair harm when they make poor choices or mistakes. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and a healthy parenting relationship[3]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

A teen’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences.^2 Feelings are not right or wrong,  but your teen's behaviors may be helpful or harmful in meeting their needs and supporting connections. Though they may act on a feeling in a moment that harms another through words or actions, they likely won’t consider the impact on others until the harm is already done.

You can help your teen start understanding their feelings[4]  by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input: 

●      You can better understand why your teen is behaving in a certain way.

●      You can teach your teen how to understand their impulses and feelings, which will help them manage their behaviors.

●      You can grow their self-control, self and social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Teens ages 15-19 are still learning to understand their feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. Consider that adults sometimes do not realize the complex emotions they are feeling. They will need your support to figure this out. When you and your teen are calm, reflect on their feelings so you can be prepared to help. Ask yourself:

●      “Does my teen have an unmet need?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your face got red. So, when you said unkind things to your sister, were you frustrated?” 

○      “I saw your friend leave you after school to talk with someone else. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      After validating their feelings, you can also ask how they think others might be feeling.

○      “When your friend walked away, how do you think they felt?”

○      “When you said that to me, how do you think that made me feel?”

○      If your teen is not receptive to thinking about how the other person feels, that likely means they do not feel heard. Once your teen feels seen, heard, and validated, they are more likely to be able to consider the person they hurt. 

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to what concerns your teen most without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. 

●      Explore the mind-body connection. In calmer moments with your teen, ask, “How does your body feel now?”See how descriptively they can list their physical signs of well-being. Now ask, “How does your body feel when angry?” Every person's physical experience will be different. Find out how your teen feels. Sometimes, it helps to identify the physical symptoms you’ve observed. “I’ve seen your face get red. Do you get hot when you’re mad?” Making the connection between those symptoms and the usual feelings they are having helps raise their self-awareness and notice sooner when their upset emotions are triggered.      

Trap: Remember that teens can be susceptible to any judgment. They will notice the tone and feeling behind your words. Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm. Remind yourself that the goal of the question is to help your teen uncover feelings.Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of repairing harm is to grow the skill of taking responsibility through constructive action, such as healing hurt relationships and mending broken objects. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Learning to understand your feelings and behaviors when your teen misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

●      “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?” 

●      “How do I respond to my anger?” 

●      “How do I want my teen to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your teen’s developmental milestones[5]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your teen. 

●      Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and preoccupied with peer impressions. In their push for greater independence, they continue to require guidance, rules, and boundaries from adults. Still, they may test those rules or intentionally break them as they experiment with their limits and growing identity, which can lead to intentionally or unintentionally causing harm.

●      Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school and, along with them -- stress and worries. They might be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing, but that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals and the stress of adult choices ahead. Conflicts may arise with you as they assert independence but also feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared of their future adult lives.

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are considered emerging adults. At times, they may exude confidence, while other times, they may feel highly insecure and run to you for comfort and security. Though they may face conflict with you as you renegotiate your relationship with an adult son or daughter, they’ll also face their own internal conflicts, wanting to rely on you while needing their independence. 

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems. This is also an opportunity to establish meaningful, logical consequences[6]  when expectations are unmet.

Trap: It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to scold a teen who has made a poor choice, inducing a feeling of shame. Instead, we want teens to feel empowered to take steps toward making something better. Remember that teens are their own worst critics and may already have intense messages of failure generated in their self-talk. Calming down first will take the heat out of your tone and send the message of support for guiding them toward a better decision.Actions

●      Recognize and reinforce healthy, constructive decision making. Each time your teen makes a choice that impacts them, you, or others and involves their careful consideration of that impact with an attempt not to harm, recognize the challenge and the thoughtfulness involved in making good decisions. 

●      At a calm time, brainstorm healthy coping strategies to deal with impulses or complicated feelings. These include exercising like walking outside or riding a bike, getting a glass of water, talking to a friend, writing in a journal, or listening to music.

●      Normalize expressing feelings. Teens can become private about their social lives and their inner experiences. Yet, they need a safe, caring environment where they can share their feelings. Offering a listening ear with non-judgment helps create that trusted space. Sharing your honest feelings models the behavior.

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s how it sounds: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

●      Teach your teen how to repair harm. When they hurt a sibling’s feelings, talk to them about what they could do to help heal the relationship, such as apologizing, doing an act of kindness for the other, writing a note, or offering a hug. Give them options from which to choose.  You can gently suggest that your teen apologize, but avoid forcing your teen to say “I’m sorry.”

●      Model repairing harm. All parents and those in a parenting role make mistakes and have moments when they wish they had parented differently. Use these moments to show your teen what repairing harm looks like. Some parents and those in a parenting role may fear that apologizing to their teens will compromise their authority.  Instead, you are modeling how to repair relationships and build a strong connection with your teen. 

Trap: If you tell or even command your teen to make an apology, how will they ever learn to apologize with feeling genuinely? Apologizing or making things right should never be assigned as a punishment since then, the control lies with the adult and robs the teen of the opportunity to learn the skill and internalize the value of repairing harm. Instead, ask your teen how they feel they should make up for the hurt they’ve caused and help them implement their idea.Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can take the form of cooperatively completing the task together or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. In the case of repairing harm, following up with your teen and and helping them to make things better after a poor choice will offer this kind of rehearsal. Practice is necessary for teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen performs the new action.

Actions

●      Accept feelings. If you are going to help your teen manage their most difficult feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept them. When your teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to care for  yourself right now?” 

●      Use “Show me…” or “I know you can…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Teens are exerting their independence often, so give them that chance. Say, “Show me how you can heal your relationship with your sister.” Or “I know you can make amends with your friend,” offering the confidence that your teen can manage their relationships. 

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. Offering them a choice, even if small—“Do you want to talk to her directly or write her a note?”—can return a sense of control to their lives and underscore that they are moving toward independence. It also offers valuable practice in responsible decision-making.

●      Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you went back to your sister to talk to her after you fought to improve things. That’s how you heal the relationship.”

●      Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your teen anytime, anywhere, it’s essential to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. 

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need you by their side through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision making.

Trap: Now that your teen is almost an emerging adult, the risks they are involved with and the harm they can cause can become more damaging. If more serious harm is caused, don’t give up on the teaching methods in this tool. More damaging harm requires just as much, if not more, teaching, practicing, and supporting as possible to guide your teen in repairing the damage. It will also need your self-management skills as you manage your feelings. Tip: If the harm caused is serious (e.g., lawbreaking, injuring another, injuring self) and persistent, you may want to consider whether your teen needs the support of a counselor to work through the root causes of the behaviors.Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve worked with your...

DisrespectNow Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your teen to communicate well; working with them to transform disrespect is an excellent opportunity.  

You can be purposeful and deliberate about responding when you feel your teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. This can occur because they feel angry or hurt toward a parent, teacher, or family member. They may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills[1] : self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset. 

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their teens on positive ways to seek and use power. Yet, when they are disrespectful, it can offend or hurt personally. Parents often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their teens will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe. 

Research confirms that when teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.^1 Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your teen’s skills can transform your relationship.

Why Transform Disrespect?

When your fifteen-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your eighteen-year-old intentionally skips a family gathering when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect. 

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

●      a sense of confidence that you can help your teen regain calm and focus

●      a greater understanding in you of the connection between your teen’s feelings and their behaviors 

●      trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

●      a growing understanding of rules and expectations 

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your teen

●      build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making 

●      learn independence and self-sufficiency

●      grow assertive communication to express needs and boundaries, which is critical for keeping them safe and ready to deal with various relationships

Five Steps for Transforming Disrespect

This five-step process helps you transform disrespect in your teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[2] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[3]  and a healthy parenting relationship[4]  support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

A teen’s behaviors are often influenced by their feelings. Feelings are spontaneous reactions to people, places, and experiences. Feelings are not right or wrong, but your teen’s behaviors in response to their feelings may be appropriate or inappropriate. 

You can help your teen better uncover and understand their feelings[5]  by asking open-ended questions. In gaining input: 

●      Uncovering your teen's feelings can transform an unsafe or inappropriate behavior into a teachable moment.

●      You can better understand why your teen is behaving in a certain way.

●      You can begin teaching your teen how to understand their feelings, which will give them more control.

●      You can grow their self-control, social awareness, and problem-solving skills.

Actions

Before you can get input from your teen to understand (and help them understand) what they are feeling, you both need to be calm. Your teen will not learn from the situation if you or they are upset.

●      Check on how you are feeling. If you are angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed, take a “parenting time out” and take several deep breaths or sit quietly for a few minutes. An upset parent or someone in a parenting role can unwittingly fuel the flames of an angry teen, so calming down first is necessary.

Teens ages 15-19 are still learning to identify and understand their feelings, other people’s feelings, and how their actions affect others. They will need your support to figure this out. When you and your teen are calm, reflect on their feelings so you can be prepared to help. 

●      Ask yourself: “Does my teen have an unmet need? Are they hungry  or tired?” They might need someone to listen or give them attention, some alone time, or some help so they can be successful at something they are trying to do. 

●      You can ask them about how they are feeling.

○      “I noticed your face got red when your sister walked in. Were you feeling frustrated?” 

○      “I’ve noticed you haven’t been hearing from your friends. I wonder if you are feeling sad?”

●      Use your best listening skills! Listen closely to your teen's concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings. It helps to use a paraphrasing technique to ensure you fully understand what your teen is communicating. 

○      Paraphrasing is repeating to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward initially, but this step is essential for you to check your understanding while teaching teens how to listen for comprehension. It might go something like this: 

■      Teen: “When my brother told me to leave his room, I got so mad that I yelled and called him a name.” 

■      Parent modeling paraphrasing: “So, I hear that when your brother told you he wanted you to leave his bedroom, you responded by yelling an insulting name at him.” 

■      You can reflect on the implied feeling if you hear a subtext of feeling, as in this example. Also, you can seek further clarification if needed. Parent reflecting feeling: “I hear you were mad. Were your feelings hurt too when he told you to leave?”

●      Remember, you can empathize and validate your teen’s feelings even if you disagree with their behaviors. Empathy does not equal your approval of how your teen behaved. Empathy shows your care about understanding your teen’s thoughts and feelings. Any conversation on behavior correction will be better heard by your teen once they feel heard. Chances are, they don’t feel great about their behavior either. 

Trap: Avoid letting the question turn into an accusation. Remember to stay calm and that the goal of the question is to help the teen uncover feelings.Step 2. Teach New Skills

The fundamental purpose of transforming disrespect is to grow new skills and behaviors to replace behaviors that hurt others and cause disconnection in relationships. Learning new skills and behaviors requires modeling, practice, support, and recognition.

Understanding your feelings and behaviors when your teen misbehaves is a great way to start. It will help you understand what they are learning to do. You might ask yourself:

●      “Do I get angry when they act in a certain way?” 

●      “How do I respond to my anger?” 

●      “How do I want my teen to respond when they feel angry?”

Learning about your teen’s developmental milestones[6]  can help you have reasonable expectations for your teen. 

●      Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and preoccupied with peer impressions. Conflict may arise if teens fear failure in front of you, their teacher, or their peers. 

●      Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school, and along with them, they may experience stress and worries. They may be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing, but that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals and feel the stress of adult choices ahead. Conflicts may arise with you as they assert independence but also feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared of their future adult lives.

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are considered emerging adults. Sometimes, they may exude confidence, while others may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. Conflict may arise as you renegotiate your adult-to-adult relationship with them. 

Teaching is different than just telling. Teaching builds basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive behaviors you want to see, promoting skills, and preventing problems.^1 Two specific areas of focus are required to transform disrespect. They are (1) dealing with challenging feelings in healthy ways and (2) learning to use and share power constructively. 

Trap: It can be easy for parents or those in a parenting role to immediately address the underlying feelings with a simple “No” or other way of shutting it down. Remember, all feelings are valid and need to be accepted. All reactions to feelings may not be acceptable.Actions for Dealing with Challenging Feelings

●      At a calm time, ask, “What helps you feel better when you're sad, mad, or hurt?” Share ideas and practice them together, such as taking deep breaths, getting a drink of water, taking a walk, or talking to yourself or a friend. 

●      Work on your family feelings vocabulary. Teens ages 15-19 are still learning about identifying their feelings, especially when there is a difficult range or mix of emotions. Use feeling words for yourself and others in your family regularly. Do feelings check-ins when your family is together. Being able to identify feelings is the first step in successfully managing emotions.  Remember to identify positive emotions as well!

●      Model assertive communication through “I-messages.” Here’s how: “I feel (insert feeling word) when you (name the words or actions that upset you) because (state the impact).” Here’s an example: “I feel sad when you say hurtful things to your brother. It hurts his feelings.” This helps you take responsibility for your feelings while avoiding blaming language like “You did…” (which closes down the mind and ears of the other). It helps communicate the problem constructively.

Tip: Create a signal you each can use when you, your teen, or both are overwhelmed by challenging feelings. You might say, “I need a minute!” or “Code red!” Practice using it so that it becomes a habit to pause when angry or upset before responding.Actions for Using Power Constructively

●      Model words and actions that are respectful to them and others. Your teen’s first teacher of social and emotional skills is your modeling of behaviors. 

●      Teach your teen positive ways to seek control or power. How can they demonstrate responsibility by caring for their possessions, their schoolwork, or for a sibling? Each time your teen misbehaves, ask yourself what positive behavior you need to model and reinforce that can replace the inappropriate behavior.

●      Talk through ethical dilemmas in your life, whether stories are taken from friends’ or neighbors’ lives or in local or national news. Make sure you talk about choices and outcomes, tying cause to effect. Predict what might happen and what other options the person had in sticky situations. These conversations help create new brain connections to develop your teen’s higher-order thinking skills further and strengthen their ability to make responsible decisions.

●      Teach your teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching teens about managing anger and responding to others respectfully is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another. But it’s that next step that matters in repairing the relationship. Teens will need your guidance and support in following through to mend broken things or relationships. After all, it takes courage to apologize and admit to wrongdoing sincerely.

●      End the day with love. If teens act disrespectfully during the day, they may end the day feeling bad about themselves. Teens can tie your love to their behavior. If you act proud of them, they feel loved. If you are disappointed or mad at them, they feel unloved. Be sure to spend one-on-one time with your teen if they have had rough patches that day. This teaches them that they are loved no matter what choices they make. It encourages them to practice new ways of behaving.

Tip: Create a ritual of sharing words of love and care at bedtime (yours or theirs!). Ending the day reflecting on how much you appreciate one another could be the best way to send your teen off to sleep. Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

Practice can take the form of role-playing, cooperatively completing the task together, or trying out a task with you as a coach and ready support. Practice is necessary for teens to internalize new skills. Practice makes vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen performs the new action.

Actions

●      Accept feelings. If you will help your teen manage their biggest feelings, it is essential to acknowledge and accept their feelings -- even ones you don’t like. When your teen is upset, consider your response. Instead of focusing on their actions or the problem, focus on their feelings FIRST. You could say, “I hear you’re upset. What can you do to help yourself feel better? Would some quiet time help you feel safe and supported?” Then (after calming down), focus on teaching and practicing better behavior.

●      Use “Show me…” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. When teens learn a new ability, they are eager to show it off! Give them that chance. Of course, with great power comes great responsibility. Say, “Show me how you can make a good choice regarding your sister.” This practice will remind your teen to use their power wisely if tempted to misbehave to meet their needs.

●      Offer limited and authentic choices. Even if small, offering them a choice—“Do you want to do your homework after school or after practice?”—can restore a sense of control to their lives and offer valuable practice in responsible decision-making.

●      Share power through turn-taking or cooperative decision making as a family.

●      Recognize effort using “I notice…” statements like, “I notice how you used our ‘code red’ signal. It worked! That’s excellent!”

●      Practice deep breathing. Because deep breathing is such a simple way to assist your teen anytime, anywhere, it’s essential to get plenty of practice to make it easy to use when needed. Here’s an enjoyable way to practice together!

●      Follow through on repairing harm. When your teen has caused harm, they need your guidance, encouragement, and support in following through to repair it. They may need you to be by their side through that process, and that’s okay! They are learning the invaluable skill of responsible decision making.

●      Include reflection on the day in your bedtime routine. You might ask, “What were your highs and lows of the day?  This question allows your teen to share their difficult moments and bright spots with you. You should answer the questions as well. Teens may not have the chance to reflect on what’s good and abundant in their lives throughout the day (and may get plenty of negative messaging through social media or peer critics), yet grateful thoughts are a central contributor to happiness and well-being. They realize they are not powerless but quite powerful.

Step...

Back Talk Now Is the Right Time!

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship, and growing your teen’s skills to respectfully communicate provides a perfect opportunity. 

Conflict happens in families -- between spouses, among siblings, and between parents and teens. Arguing in family life is typical. “Back talk” can be defined as “argumentative replies.”^1 Teens can respond in anger, hurt, and frustration, using hurtful tones or words. But back talk also represents a power imbalance teens are trying to rectify. Power, after all, is a basic human need. Teens and young adults ages 15-19 are growing their listening, empathy, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills. Growing your teen’s skills to respond assertively but non-aggressively is essential to their success.

Anyone may face challenges with back talk. “You can’t tell me what to do!” your teen may exclaim in anger and frustration when you say “No” to an unsupervised party where peers may be drinking. Your teen’s responses can make you angry and upset. As your teen develops, they must test their limits and rules to internalize them. This can lead to arguments between you and your teen. They will also have evolving emotional needs and may lack the communication skills necessary to ask for what they need. Using the steps below can help navigate this challenge with skill. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you.

Why Back Talk?

Whether it’s your fifteen-year-old screaming, “I hate you!” in a fight, your junior in high school shouting, “No, I won’t stop!” when screen time is over, or your nineteen-year-old crying, “It’s all your fault,” when they get rejected by their college of choice, establishing healthy ways of responding to life’s most challenging moments is a vital skill your teen needs to thrive. 

Today, in the short term, teaching skills to respond to disagreements in healthy ways can create

●      greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment 

●      trust in each other, and

●      a sense of well-being and motivation  

Tomorrow, in the long term, teaching your teen effective ways to communicate their feelings and needs

●      develops a sense of safety, security, and self-belief

●      grows skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, responsible decision-making, and

●      deepens family trust and intimacy

Five Steps for Managing Back Talk

This five-step process helps you and your teen communicate during your toughest, most emotional moments in ways that do not harm. It also grows essential critical life skills. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are done best when you and your teen are not tired or in a rush. Tip: Intentional communication[2]  and healthy parenting relationships[3]  will support these steps.Step 1. Get Your Teen Thinking by Getting Their Input

You can get your teen thinking about healthy ways to communicate by asking them open-ended questions. You’ll help prompt your teen’s thinking. You’ll also better understand their thoughts, feelings, and challenges related to how they feel when confronting them so that you can address them. In gaining input, your teen

●      has a more significant stake in anything they’ve designed themselves (and with that sense of ownership also comes a greater responsibility for solving their problems)

●      has more motivation to work together and cooperate because of their sense of ownership

●      will be working in collaboration with you on making informed decisions (understanding the reasons behind those decisions) about critical aspects of their life and

●      will grow self-control, empathy, assertive communication, and problem-solving skills

Actions

Consider what challenges your teen in their ability to communicate in healthy ways. For example, if your teen is hurt or feeling rejected, it’s a normal reflex for them to lash out in self-protection. Begin by considering the following.

●      Ask how your teen feels when arguing with a family member or friend. 

○      “What makes you upset or mad at a friend, a relative, Mom and Dad?”

○      “What feelings do you experience?” (If your teen has a hard time labeling their feelings, you can provide guesses. Your teen will likely correct you if you guess wrong. For example, “When I asked you to turn off your phone to join us for dinner, it seemed you were mad. Is that right?”)

○      “How does your body feel when you’re upset?” (Name how you physically experience being upset, whether it’s a red hot face or a racing heartbeat.) 

o   “Have you hurt another person’s feelings when you’ve argued? How did that feel?”  Be sure to express empathy for negative feelings your teen may express. You could continue modeling by adding, “I have felt horrible, too, when I’ve gotten heated and said things in anger.” It is helpful for kids/teens to know you make mistakes too and that you also know how to take responsibility and make amends. 

o   “How might you have argued differently to express your needs but not harm the other person?” 

●      Use your best listening skills. Remember, what makes a parent or someone in a parenting role angry or frustrated can differ significantly from what angers or frustrates a teen. Listen closely to your teen's concerns without projecting your thoughts, concerns, and feelings.

Step 2. Teach New Skills

Intense feelings like anger and hurt occur as you go about your daily life, so you may not consider their role and impact on your teen. Intense feelings can majorly influence the day and your relationship with your teen. Your teen is learning how to be in healthy relationships, and in the learning process, they will make mistakes and poor choices. How you handle those moments as a parent or someone in a parenting role can determine how you help grow their conflict management skills. Learning about developmental milestones[4]  can help you better understand what your teen is experiencing. Here are some examples.

●      Fifteen-year-olds may feel sensitive to criticism and preoccupied with peer impressions. Conflict may arise if teens fear failure in front of you, their teacher, or their peers. 

●      Sixteen-year-olds may feel more confident. They may have new goals outside of school, and along with them, they may experience stress and worries. They might be tempted to stay up late studying or socializing, but that lack of sleep challenges their self-control and ability to manage anger and anxiety in healthy ways. 

●      Seventeen-year-olds may become highly focused on their academic and life goals and the stress of adult choices ahead. Conflicts may arise with you as they assert independence but also feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared of their future adult lives.

●      Eighteen- and nineteen-year-olds are considered emerging adults. At times, they may exude confidence, while others may feel highly insecure and run to you, needing comfort and security. Conflict may arise as you renegotiate your relationship. 

Teaching is different from just telling. It grows basic skills, grows problem-solving abilities, and prepares your teen for success. Teaching also involves modeling and practicing the positive words and tone of voice you want them to use, promoting skills, and preventing problems. It is a logical [5] consequence of unmet expectations.

Actions

Reflect on how you currently model communication when you’re upset. Any action, words, or tones of voice you use with your teen will be repeated and mimicked back to you by them. If you yell, your teen will yell. If you criticize, your teen will criticize. Consider how you react to your teen when you are upset. 

●      Ask yourself, “If my teen repeats what I say and in my tone of voice, will it be acceptable at home? In public?” 

●      Consider which words, actions, and tones you want to see in your teen and which you do not. Next, decide what words, actions, and tones you do not want to use so you only model what you want to see and hear.

●      According to research, the following fighting habits hurt others and destroy trust.^2 In fact, these will encourage more back talk from your teen. These fighting habits should not be used to forge healthy communication with others, including your teen.

○      Do not use physical force. Using physical force in a conflict signals that the individual has lost control and only believes they can regain it with physical dominance. This is harmful and breaks trust.            

○      Do not talk about others negatively when they are not present. The healthiest way to address a problem is to go directly to the person with whom you have the problem. 

○      Do not criticize. Judging or commenting on a person's character hurts the other. Instead, focus energies and words on solving the problem at hand.

○      Do not show contempt. Using hostile humor, sarcasm, name-calling, mockery, or baiting body language harms the other person. These all involve some kind of aggression or character attack.

○      Do not become defensive or blaming. Pointing fingers and using “You…” language is blaming. Words like “always,” “never,” and “forever” cannot represent the truth and break down trust. Own your feelings and role in the situation, and the argument will remain constructive.

○      Do not stonewall. Actively refusing to listen, shutting down the argument, or giving the silent treatment harms the other person and breaks trust.

●      Learn to use “I-messages.” At a family dinner, talk about how it challenges adults and teens alike when arguments occur. You want to communicate in ways that do not harm one another. Share an example of an argument you’ve had and how each person reacted without judging what they did. Focus on the problem only. Try using an I-message for that same issue. Here’s the structure: “I feel _________ (insert feeling word) when you ________(name the words/actions that upset you) because __________.” This structure helps the individual take responsibility for their feelings and role in the problem while avoiding “you” blaming language. Try it out in a parent-teen argument. “I feel frustrated when you keep playing video games, and I’ve told you it’s homework time because I feel disrespected.” This tool can empower a teen to regain their power without harming you or another.

●      Continue to teach your teen to repair harm. A critical step in teaching teens about managing anger is learning how to repair harm when they’ve caused it. Harm could be physical, like breaking something, or emotional, like hurting someone’s feelings. Mistakes are a critical aspect of their social learning. Everyone has moments when they hurt another, but that next step matters in repairing the relationship. 

Tip: If your teen finds it difficult to give you a feeling word, offer them options and ask which ones fit their true feelings. This will help expand their feelings vocabulary[6] .Step 3. Practice to Grow Skills and Develop Habits

If you seize the opportunity, your daily disagreements can allow your teen to practice vital new skills. Practice grows vital new brain connections that strengthen each time your teen works hard to manage feelings, words, and choices constructively.

Practice also provides essential opportunities to develop consequential thinking or the ability to think ahead to the impact of a particular choice and evaluate whether it’s a positive choice based on those reflections.

Actions

●      Allow your teen to assert their needs in small and more significant ways, like speaking up at the store when there’s a problem or encouraging them to discuss a grade with their teacher. 

●      Be sure to consider how to create the conditions to support their success (like offering coaching or guided open-ended questions to prompt thinking) so your teen learns to become their best problem solver.

●      Share a range of feeling words regularly to become more comfortable expressing feelings.

●      Practice “I-messages” on more challenging problems and various issues, including friendship conflicts. Then, when in a heated moment, gently remind: “Remember, it could help to use an I-message.”

●      Practice deep breathing to help you calm down when you have spare moments together, such as while waiting in line, driving in the car, or at bedtime.

Step 4. Support Your Teen’s Development and Success

At this point, you’ve taught your teen how to meet their challenges with skill and persistence, and you are allowing them to practice so they can learn how to do those new tasks well and independently. Now, you can offer support when needed by reteaching, monitoring, coaching, and, when appropriate, following through with logical consequences[7] . Parents or those in a parenting role naturally provide support as they see their teen fumble with a situation where they need help. This is no different. 

By providing support, you reinforce their ability to be successful, teach cause-and-effect thinking (as they address problems and conflicts), and help develop skills in taking responsibility. 

Actions

●      Initially, your teen may need active support. Use “Show me…” statements and ask them to demonstrate how they can work to resolve a problem. For example, you could say, “Show me that we can disagree without making hurtful statements toward one another.”

●      Recognize effort using “I notice...” statements with a positive tone and body language to express excitement and curiosity. Such as, “I noticed how you approached me when you were upset with your feelings and needs. It worked, didn’t it? That’s excellent!”

●      On days with extra challenges, when you can see your teen is frustrated or feeling incapable, proactively remind your teen of their strength. In a gentle, non-public way, you can whisper in their ear, “Remember how you talked to me yesterday? You can use that same strategy with your friend today.”

●      Actively reflect on how your teen is feeling when approaching challenges. You can ask questions like, “It seems like you are holding onto angry feelings toward your friend; have you talked to him yet? What options do you think you have?” Be sure to reflect on the outcomes of possible choices.

●      Apply logical consequences when needed. Logical consequences should come soon after an inappropriate behavior and need to be provided in a way that maintains a healthy relationship. Rather than punishment, a consequence is about supporting the learning process and avoiding harm. 

○      First, recognize your feelings and practice a calm-down strategy when needed. It helps to know which calm-down strategies work best for you and have a plan. Not only is this good modeling, but when you control your emotions, you can apply logical consequences that fit the behavior. 

○      Second, invite your teen to a reflection about the expectations established in Step 2. 

○      Third, consider a logical consequence of their actions as a teachable moment. Be sure to consider the following questions before deciding: (1) What will you teach with this consequence? (2) Has a natural consequence already taken place (3) Will the logical consequence be connected to the poor choice so that you can teach cause and effect with the action?

Learning new behaviors to replace inappropriate behaviors takes time. Your teen will likely not do it right the first time (or even the second or third!). That’s OK. What’s important is that you approach growing skills to manage conflict by understanding feelings, teaching new behaviors, and practicing while maintaining a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your teen. Your healthy, supportive, loving relationship with your teen is most important.

Trap: Don’t continually repeat yourself. Teens often need more time to deal with their feelings and approach someone with whom they are upset. Be sure to wait long enough for them to show you that they can address their problems independently with your support. Your waiting could make the difference in whether they can solve their problems.Step 5. Recognize Efforts

No matter how old your teen is, your positive reinforcement and encouragement have a significant impact.

If your teen is working to grow their skills – even in small ways – it will be worthwhile to recognize it. Your recognition can go a long way in promoting positive behaviors and expanding your teen’s confidence. Your recognition also encourages safe, secure, and nurturing relationships -- a foundation for strong communication and a healthy relationship with you as they grow. 

There are many ways to reinforce your teen’s efforts. It is essential to distinguish between three types of reinforcement: recognition, rewards, and bribes. These three distinct parenting behaviors have different impacts on your...