“That’s the lesson I’ve learned about self acceptance, that everyone has a function. And maybe it’s even bigger than we think it is. And being able to say ‘Okay, I’m going to find what that is for me...’” -Coach Gabriella Dennery MD

Get One-on-One Coaching with Coach Gabriella Dennery MD

Get One-on-One Coaching with Coach Gabriella Dennery MD

We’ve all felt guilt in our lives over something, maybe small or perhaps big. But some feelings of guilt last longer than others. Such as the guilt over leaving a career that you have spent the majority of your life studying for, training for and working at. Now add helping to heal people and change lives to the mix. What do you do if you are feeling pulled in a different direction? Stay to avoid the guilt of leaving? Or can you learn how to let go of that guilt and move forward in whatever way life is leading you? Yes! You can. And Gabriella is here in this episode to share her story of guilt with leaving her childhood calling and her story of healing.  

Excerpts from the show:

“So when you were talking about guilt in leaving clinical medicine, tell us a little bit more about how that topic came up.” -Gena Jefferson

“I burned out. I really did. I was in primary care medicine, my specialty was internal medicine, and I did that for seven years. But I can say is that really the burnout process for me was started in residency, and it got carried forward and it kind of piled on and piled on and piled on, and just got to the point where I knew I had to make a change if I wanted to live a different kind of life. Now did it have to mean me leaving medicine? For some people it doesn't, but for me it did. Leaving clinical medicine. Really, I got to the point where to save my own life I had to make that decision and so that's what kind of pushed me out of medicine. But I have to say that it wasn't just a push, there was a pull.  And so on the other hand I'm also a musician and composer, and I've been that my entire life almost as long, if not as long, as I've wanted to be a doctor. So you know, there came a point where I was starting to perform more and I was learning about African drumming and I was teaching and, you know, that was pulling me out. I really wanted to pursue that more full-time and I figured if not now, when? So there were these two kind of competing reasons, well not competing, I guess they complement each other. Because it was time to leave.” -Gabriella Dennery MD

“It took about ten years to make the decision to leave. It's not something that ever happened overnight. And for various reasons, there was a lot of back-and-forth, and one of them was feeling guilty. I grew up with that obligation and that responsibility to other people and so that was the kind of culture of the household, you know. You did for others before you did for yourself. That's how I grew up. And for me, as I said, medicine equated to helping people, and that's the way I saw it and that’s how I grew up around it.  So to leave it was kind of breaking the equation. At the same time, I knew that I was absolutely exhausted. I was exhausted by the procedural stuff, by the administrative stuff which was not what I thought doctoring was about. I was also exhausted by this whole idea and perhaps because of my pick of specialties. I picked internal medicine because I enjoyed working with adults and I still do. At the same time back in the day, it was called chronic illness management. For me, it's like, ‘well that's not why I became a doctor.’ I thought I was helping people get better. You know chronically managing illness, it didn't make sense to me, like philosophically it didn't make sense to me. Eventually they changed the lingo to ‘Healthcare Maintenance’ but basically it's the same thing. So there were those kind of pushes. The administrative exhaustion. It's like, ‘But this is not what I signed up for when I said I wanted to be a doctor! It's not what I signed up for!’ Then there was this whole idea of maintaining illness and it just didn't make sense to me. I couldn't reconcile that logically or emotionally in any way, shape or form. So that waged war on my spirit over years. And year after year after year of health maintenance for chronically ill patients…I’d had my fill.”  -Gabriella Dennery MD

“It was funny I was going back home for a visit and it was my father's second wife, you know, my parents were divorced when I was a teenager. She said, “Something is different about Gabriella.” Then she came up to me and she said, “Something is different about you.” and I said, ‘Really? What? What is it?’ She said I looked happy, and I said ‘Oh boy,’ and then she went to my dad and said “Gabriella looks happy! Something’s different about her,” and I heard her say that. So I eventually did let them know. But I said it in a very particular way. I went to my dad first and I told him. I said, “You know, what I really want from you now are words of support and encouragement because I have enough worry of my own, and enough fears of my own, and I don't need yours too. So please, if you can't say anything good then please keep it to yourself or talk to my siblings about it but not to me.” I made the same request of my mother, and I was very respectful and very polite but I made my boundary very clear because I knew my mom was a worry wart and I know dad didn't say much but I know he worried too. I said, “I'm a 40-year-old woman, I'm grown and I will be fine. In the meantime, all I want from you are words of encouragement. I just need your encouragement.” And you know what happened? That's the beauty about this, and making it clear to them as to what I wanted from them, not just what I didn't want but what I wanted from them, that they actually respected it and they did it.”  -Gabriella Dennery MD 

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Podcast produced by: Amanda Taran