Since April, I've been leading and facilitating a group for Medley, a startup committed to providing growth spaces for individuals who crave community. They create these experiences through a group coaching format. For a year, anyone who joins will commit to creating close-knit ties with the other individuals in the group. They participate in intimate conversations that they would not have anywhere else in their life.

We cover topics like “Let’s Play, Accessing your Inner Child”, “Exploring your Inner Critic” and “Cultivating Presence”.

For the last few sessions, my group has gravitated towards “Deepening Relationships” as the topic.

What does it mean to practice depth?What does it look like to deepen your relationship with others?What does it look like to experience this within yourself?It occurs to me that the modalities in which depth occurs can vary for each individual. However, the path towards depth and the way of being that is cultivated will generate a similar internal feeling. I am learning that it is also a lifelong journey. Just when you think you've gone deep enough, you go back up to the surface only to find that there is more beautiful, uncharted depth within you that has not been explored. It is quite a beautiful experience. It's probably a unique gift we can receive being part of the human species. But dammit, it can be hard sometimes.

When I speak of modalities in which you can experience depth, I mean the context of your life. Those things that you throw your whole self into. Mind, body, heart and soul.

You might be a teacher.You might be in a marriage.You might be a single parent.You might be divorced and putting yourself back together.You might find yourself in a profession that you love.You might be an entrepreneur creating an innovative business.You might be an artist.You might be a writer.

As I said, the modality varies but the dedication required is that of an "expensive love" as Barbara Brown Taylor writes. It's the hero's path. It's the path to wholeness and fullness. But it's also the path that will require more than you're ready to give, seemingly at different points of the journey.

I've found this in the profession I've chosen.I've found this in marriage.I’ve found this in parenthood.Isn’t it true that when we give ourselves to something, it will require more of us that we’re ready to give? That's why it's called expensive love. It's a deep love that will expand you, but paradoxically, it will also require surrender. It will require you to dig deep and rediscover a hidden well that is infinite by nature. Finding this infinite well within requires inner work. It doesn't mean you give of yourself to others that you abandon who you are. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's the lifelong repeated discovery and remembering of who you truly are, your original wholeness, that will empower you to pay for this expensive love.

This path requires courage.This path requires the invitation of tiny deaths.This path will likely involve tears.And this path brings a deep, and deeper, and deeper joy.

The Good News

Practicing depth is a skill. It can be learned and practiced. Some of us were lucky enough to learn and see this skill modeled in a safe and loving household. Perhaps we had amazing parents, mentors and/or teachers that was available and present to us as a child.

Most of us though, even if we had amazing and loving early holding environments, we will still need to spend our adult life cultivating this skill. I know, so annoying. Why can’t we just have the answers already right?

If we want depth, the reality is we have to learn it for ourselves as adults. 

So how do we learn this skill?

* The first step is building awareness of where you're at. Being ruthlessly honest with yourself. Do you want this? Why do you want this? What are you wanting to feel? Is this what you really want? You can be in this step for days, weeks, months or years, which means building awareness also means developing graciousness towards yourself. Journaling is also greatly valuable here. Building awareness is probably the biggest and most important step too. Slowing down and holding space for awareness is key.

* The second step is the process of learning the skill. This means learning about yourself, your emotions, and your body. Understanding what feelings are and how they particularly feel like in your skin and bones. Slowing down to learn what joy, loneliness, anxiety, boredom, feeling trapped, etc. really feel like for you. Slowing down to learn how to express these things via language or movement. This step is about learning to feel safe within yourself. A good book to consider is The Body Keeps The Score. This book is about trauma but you don't have to have gone through trauma to find value in reading this book.

* The third step is stepping out. Finding safe places to share yourself. Finding safe people who will hear you and see you. Being able to say to someone, "I feel..." and then sharing your story.

Caveat: These steps are not meant to be taken in a linear way. They are dynamic and can happen simultaneously. They are cyclical in nature too. It's truly a lifelong journey, if you decide that it's what you want for yourself.

For most of recent human history, we have been conditioned to have a fragmented/band-aid approach to our wellbeing. I believe that part of what the pandemic has revealed is that we cannot approach this work from that old perspective anymore. We cannot wait until crisis mode to start this work. The professional is interconnected with the personal and vice versa, more than we are truly aware of. What this inner work can do, to someone who is willing to receive it, is untangle all of these complex interconnectedness, so that we can show up with our fullest creative potential; not only in the workplace but in every arena of our lives. 

There are communities, therapists, trauma-informed coaches out there so you can start your journey now. We have access to resources more than ever. Seek them out, find them with your heart and you will find support.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by Alvis Taurēns on Unsplash

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