Although this is episode 9, this is the fifth episode in the Series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage. Can you tell how much I believe effective communication is a cornerstone of intimacy? 

You’ll find show notes to this episode at reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/9.

How does fighting go in your marriage? Do you both walk away licking your wounds, or do you have fights that allow you to communicate about emotionally charged topics to increase your understanding of each other? If you need a box of bandages after fights with your husband, I hope this topic today will help you both. 

I’m going to talk about the 4 Things to Avoid in a Fight.

One of the programs I’ve studied regarding couples and marriage is based on the 35-year research by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute. He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author and co-author of 40 books. He is an expert in the field of marital relationships, not to mention warm and humorous. 

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he talks about the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.  These are the four obstacles to effective fighting. When they are active in arguments, they annihilate productive resolutions in communication and cause a widening gap in the relationship. The Four Horseman are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  

I want to clarify these four horsemen are not my original ideas but Dr. Gottman’s, and I want to explain them and give you examples.

The first horseman is criticism. Criticism is when a discussion is started with an attack on the character or personality of a person instead of on the complaint. Complaints about your spouse are standard. Who doesn’t have complaints about their spouse? Complaints should be about behavior or event- not an attack on a person’s being. 

Here is an example: Say you can tell your husband is not listening to you and you want to confront it. Criticism would sound something like this: Bill, you aren’t listening. In fact, you never listen to me. I bet you listen to people at work, don’t you?  

The complaint is you aren’t listening to me, and it causes me anger. The criticism is attacking Bill’s character, which will cause him to become angry and defensive immediately. 

The second horseman is contempt.  Bill’s inattention isn’t acceptable, but a conversation can’t begin with. You never listen to me, Bill. I listen to you even when I don’t want to. Here you are, saying, I’m better than you, and you need to change, and you aren’t interesting to listen to either. Yes, Bill needs to change, but he will be less likely to do so if he thinks you are placing yourself in a one-up position and putting him down.

The third horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness can arise from any conflict but especially when a conversation is started with the first two horseman-criticism and contempt. How do you respond when you are approached with criticism and contempt? I can tell you how I do.  I get angry pretty quickly and start defending myself against the assault and usually respond with my own version of criticism and contempt. 

The fourth horseman is stonewalling. Stonewalling is the result of the first three horsemen. Eventually, one party will check out and disengage. Dr. Gottman calls it flooding and states that stonewalling usually happens later in the marriage. It’s like after a while, no one wants to engage in conflict any longer, so they just emotionally or physically walk away in resignation. I can’t handle this-I’m out. I can’t feel these intense emotions, so I’m done. 

For complete show notes visit http://www.reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/9