Revive Your Midlife Marriage

It's a new year and the new year's resolutions abound. I love the idea of a new year because I like self-reflection and self-improvement. It keeps me from getting stuck in the status quo, which I refuse.

I take time to assess every area of my life that's worked well, what hasn't and what I can do differently for different results. I call this my pre-resolution exercise. 

You might have set your new year's resolutions, you might have gotten the new year's goals established for your job, but have you set any resolutions for your marriage? If you haven't, you should. I'll give you 11 questions to answer to prepare you for making your new year's marriage resolutions. 

 This week I'm going to talk about dealing with difficult family members. I'll be talking about how this can affect the relationship, how you can support your spouse, and how you can be more proactive in your relationships with those problematic family members. 

Our marriages don't live in a bubble. All the relationships around them impact them: the kids, the in-laws, the friendships. Our relationship with our childhood family affects our marriages exponentially. All these relationships either positively or negatively affect the marriage.

I'll give  2 ways to support your spouse, and 2 solutions to handling those difficult family members. 

In this episode, I'll be talking to Warren Kennaugh, the author of the e-book Critter Code. 

Based on science and thorough research, the book identifies the type of "critter" or personality type of a person, and how to have a healthy relationship by understanding who you are married to, as well as what makes you tick. Warren is a self-confessed personality profiling nerd. His passion for understanding how others think, feel, and act has led him across a 26-year career as a consulting behavioral strategist, advising elite individuals and teams within large corporations and professional sports on the art and science of relationships. Warren says that relationships are based too much on trial and error. As a result, he and his partner Karen McCready developed the Critter Code so that others could strengthen their relationship with their life partner in a fun and engaging manner.

There are nine critters or animals that represent the different personality of each individual. He talks about the DNA code, the Hero Code (the reasons you married your spouse), and the Villian Code (the things that drive you crazy.) He will give you key insights into each of the 9 critters helping you have a bit of understanding about them. 

You may know how your partner responds or behaves, but do you know why? Are there ways you can speak to this type of personality so you are heard? Warren asserts you can. 

This week, I have the pleasure to have author, speaker, and blogger, Dara Kurtz.

She is the author of I Am My Mother's Daughter: Wisdom on Life, Loss, and Love - a book about dealing with the grief of losing her mother as well as leaving a legacy to her children.

We will be talking about dealing with loss, how it affects the marriage, how a spouse can support their partner through the grieving process, and how to leave a legacy to our children through the written word. 

Do you know what your attachment style is? Do you know your spouse's attachment style? I had no idea until I listened to a podcast interview with therapist Valerie Hamaker, my guest today. 

It is a fascinating theory and it will help you understand yourself and your spouse more something we all strive for. 


Valerie will be talking about the origins of the attachment theory, the four different attachment styles, and how they can affect the marriage relationship. Valerie is a licensed therapist, private practice owner, executive wellness coach and corporate psychologist, and fellow podcaster. 

For a complete transcript of the interview, you can go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/69

I know you've heard it. Marriage is a 50/50 partnership. And I do understand why it is a common belief. It's like a business relationship where two parties invest their 50% and split the profits.  You give your part, I give my part, and together we've got 100%.  On the surface, it sounds like it works, right?

But 50% investment in marriage doesn't work because it is not giving the whole of yourself. It's only giving a part. 

In successful business partnerships, each partner has to be 100% invested in the business's success, right? Even though sports team members have different roles or positions to play, they have to play their part with 100% of themselves for the best of the team. Another example is parenting. You parent as partners, but of course, you would say each of you gives 100% to the task of raising your children. 

When I'm talking about these percentages in marriage, I'm talking about the amount of effort you give to the relationship.

Did you ever get this marriage advice? "Never go to bed angry." 

I received it so many times before I got married. I believed that we had to resolve all our issues before going to bed or else our relationship would be damaged. 

What happened was that I would force the issue that wasn't going to be resolved in one conversation to the point it morphed into a bigger issue. We went to bed more exhausted and more frustrated than before.  And, we didn't make it to bed without anger.

I believe that going to bed angry is not the worst thing for a relationship. In fact, in this episode, I'll be telling you two reasons why I think it might be best for the relationship, and how to help yourself when you do have anger upon retiring. 

I remember being at a wedding and sitting at the table with other couples my age. We were looking at the bride and groom on the dance floor, and one husband said, “Give them and few years, and they won’t be acting like that anymore.” Everyone at the table laughed, including yours truly. Isn’t that what most people think? We laughed, but it was also pretty sad to think that. I mean, is that as good as it gets? I don’t think it is. 

There was a truth in what he said.  They won’t be acting like that. In other words, they won’t be doing the things that keep the passion alive and growing. If you build a fire and don’t keep it going by adding wood, it will eventually burn out and grow cold.  

Realistically, life can get in the way of keeping the passion and spark alive in the relationship if we let it, and I find that most couples do. We stand face to face at the beginning focusing on each other and the relationship exclusively. Then we have kids, and we turn shoulder to shoulder to raise them, build careers, handle chaotic schedules, and try to juggle all the balls we are responsible for. 

We take our eyes off of the relationship. It isn’t that we let things slide intentionally. We don’t know any better. Most of us were keeping our heads above water. This is the most common dynamic I see in the couples that come to me for help. Passion falls by the wayside because we don’t keep it alive.

In this episode, I'll give you four ways to get the fire burning again.  For the complete transcript for this episode, you can go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/66

Today is myth number two. Good marriages are easy marriages. If this wasn't something people believe, then why would they question whether they'd chosen the suitable mate when the going gets tough. Why would they choose to stay stuck in what's not working instead of saying-hey, these problems are a part of marriage. What can we do to overcome them? 

I wish I'd known this early on, as I think my reality would have been different. My disillusionment, not so great. I'd look at other couples that seemed to be thriving and thought they were just lucky. They seemed happy, content, working in tandem with their partner. And then I'd think, there must be something flawed in my marriage. What I never ventured to ask was, "How do you guys do it?" After all, I certainly didn't want to seem like we didn't have it all together in my marriage. 

Isn't it like this when we see accomplished professionals like athletes, actors, business moguls, musicians, and artists. I can narrow it down to anyone who can do something I can't do but wish I could. They make it look so stinkingly easy like it is just natural to be so good at what they do. It's like it is in their DNA. We even attribute success with having some special "gift" as it requires little to achieve great things. Even with gifts, there is a climb to any level of success. 

It's easy to compare ourselves to the "ideal" and not know or consider the grueling journey taken to get there. Again, because it looks so natural. 

If you want a good marriage, you will have to get in the mindset that you and your spouse will have to work and work as if your life depends on it. Letting things slide and wallowing in what isn't right will get you no further than you already are. 

I'll be covering 5 action steps to begin the hard work that it takes to have a good marriage.

This is the start of a five-part series on Debunking 5 of the Most Common Marriage Myths.

This week's myth is You Will Resolve Every Conflict.

I know, who wants to think that you won't see eye to eye on every issue in your marriage? It seems you did at the beginning of the relationship, right?

During the rainbows and butterflies, we can't imagine having conflicts that continue to return over and over again. But, in reality, it happens to every couple I know because we bring very different behaviors, convictions, and perspectives. Many of those can be complementary, but some not so much. 

In this episode, I'll be talking about the difference between solvable and unsolvable problems, also known as perpetual problems, and give you ways to manage these because chances are they won't go away.