Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse, spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog call Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. So today, I’m going to cover 2 of those 5 regrets from Bronnie Ware’s study and how to avoid them. Then, next week, in Episode 32, I’ll give you the last three. 

Now you may be thinking, how does averting regrets on my death bed apply to my marriage? I’ll tell you. Living your life to the fullest will make you a better person and a better partner. When you make positive changes in your life, it will shift how you relate to your husband. A person letting their lives pass by, not pursuing their best self, is an unfulfilled person. An unfulfilled person is miserable. And a miserable person makes everyone miserable around them. 

The number one regret of the dying was, “I wish I’d have the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” We all want to be accepted, loved, and respected. That’s normal. But, what price are we paying when we live by the standards others have set for us? We are deriving our self-esteem from the way others see us as we play that role. When we look for the validation of others for our self-esteem, we give our power away. 

Here are just a few things we do when we are trying to live up to the expectations of others-

We allow others to treat us in unacceptable ways without standing up for ourselves. We change plans for someone else even though it doesn’t suit us. We shoulder more of the load than we should. We maintain relationships with friends when they don’t add anything substantial to our lives. We stay on the phone longer than is convenient and don’t say. I need to go. We take the role of fixer in the lives of those that should be taking care of their own problems. We say yes when we should say no. 

You know, you may have been giving your power away by living up to the expectations of others for long that you don’t even know what your true self is anymore. So, you need awareness. Begin to notice when you are holding back your thoughts and feelings, holding your tongue when you need to say something. Notice when you are sacrificing your needs for the needs of others. Make a note of it. Then ask yourself what you need to do to live your life true to yourself? Then affirm yourself by writing down why you are worthy of living your best life.

Honoring and being true to yourself is not a selfish thing. Life is a give and take. But if you are doing all the giving, it isn’t healthy.  As long as you speak your truth and stand up for yourself with love and respect, you are not doing anything wrong. 

You can find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/31

Let me give you an official definition of perfectionism. Perfectionism, in psychology, is a broad personality style characterized by a person’s concern with striving for flawlessness and perfection and is accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concern regarding others’ evaluation. 

 Ladies, perfectionism is a monster. It sets us up to measure ourselves by an unrealistic standard. Let me tell you that perfectionists are not only hard on themselves but everyone else around them. Because being perfect is an illusion. 

You will never be "the perfect" anything. It’s easy to say, right? It is harder to accept. You can only pursue excellence, and it is a journey, not a destination.

Do you know what the result of perfectionism is? The inability to step outside of your comfort zone and do something new or different. The perfectionist mindset will keep you from trying anything new because of the fear of failure. If I can’t do it perfectly, then I won’t even try. Or, if you fall short of your ideal, you quit before getting to the place you would like to be. 

So today, I’m going to talk about how to get out of the trap of perfectionism. We will take about the futility of comparison, being true to your own value system, and pursuing your best self. 

Comparison

First, let’s talk about the futility of comparison. Betty Jamie Chung puts it this way, Comparison with myself brings improvement, comparison with others brings discontent. I think women are the worst at comparing themselves to other women. 

When I compare myself to women that are different than I am, I hear messages like this: I should be in better shape, I should keep a better house, I should probably get some fillers and botox, I should decorate my home better, I should cook more creative meals. 

We tear ourselves down when we compare ourselves to others. Have you ever been with other women and come away feeling bad about yourself? That is the result of the comparison. 

Another side of that coin is that when we feel like we don’t measure up, we start judging others to make ourselves feel better. Either we are better than or less than. Neither of which is healthy self-esteem. 

Now, that’s not to say you can’t be inspired to do something different by being in the presence of a woman you look up to, but beating yourself up is not a way to make forward progress.  You can’t empower yourself by playing all the negative tapes of what you aren’t. 

You will find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/30

 In this episode, I’ll be talking about Engaging Your Husband in the Process. In last week’s episode-episode 27, I spoke about two marriage truths to remember and  3 steps you needed to take to begin.  If you haven’t listened to that episode, it will help to go back to that first. You can find that at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/27.

 So let me give the two things you can do before you engage your husband in the process. 

 Journal Your Thoughts Your Thoughts and Feelings.

  I do this all the time when I know I’m facing a meaningful conversation with someone. It will help you to get your thoughts flowing and help you to unload your mind. You are just untangling your thoughts and getting all the emotions out on paper. 

 I often get blank paper and start writing whatever comes to my mind. I don’t worry about it making sense to anyone. It is just free writing. It allows me to make sense of what is going on internally. 

 Do this as many times as you need to. Each time you do this, you’ll have more things revealed to you.  

 Here’s the next thing to do before engaging Your husband

 Let go of the Outcome 

 That stinks, I know. When I do A, then B should happen, right? However, the worst thing you can do is be attached to the Outcome. We are not omniscient beings. No one knows how things will work out.  When dealing with another human being, we deal with a different perspective, a different set of beliefs, and a distinct personality. We don’t know the outcome or how we will be received.  The only thing we can do is plan and execute and allow it to unfold.

What happens when we’re are attached to the Outcome is that we have expectations that may or may not be met. When things don’t exactly go as planned, we are disappointed and can start that stinking thinking, This is how it always is. We will never be able to work things out. I give up.

 We empower ourselves when we are willing to take calculated risks and face challenges head-on- even bumps in the road along the process.

Whenever I bring something to a conversation with someone, I make a plan by choosing my words wisely, getting my emotions under control, and telling myself that I am doing this for me no matter what happens. I am doing my best.

Now to Engaging Your Husband in the Process

Here is where it gets tricky, right? But, if you have journaled your feelings and thoughts, so they aren’t jumbled and let go of the outcome, you’ll be in a better space. 

For complete show notes to this episode, you can go to
http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/28

You know, there is so much anxiety when we know our marriages aren't what we wish them to be—adding to that anxiety is not knowing how to change it. Maybe what you have tried isn't working.

When we are continually thinking about what is wrong, it affects how we feel about ourselves and how we think about our spouses. It can consume every area of our lives.  We may feel sad, depressed, or even hopeless, and this rumination can take its toll on us emotionally and physically.

Before I go into Where to Start at Fixing Your Marriage, I want to give you some truths that I hope will bring you some comfort. 

Here is the truth: You are not alone. 100% of marriages struggle at one time or another. You may think, looking at other people's marriage, that yours is so much worse. Let me tell you, to couples amid a crisis- it is the worse to them because they are in the thick of it. That's normal, but your problems are not exclusive. You have no idea the issues people deal with behind closed doors. People hide them well. 

How many times have you been shocked to hear that some couple you know is divorcing? Not one friend my husband and I had was privy to any of the massive problems we were having. You know real marriage is about the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is a part of life 

Here's another truth: Happily married couples have to learn how to deal with the issues and move through them even when it is painful, emotionally draining, and stressful. If you want to have something different in your marriage, you have to work like hell for it. It doesn't come naturally. We have no training. 

Many people grow up with parents that had no idea how to have a healthy marriage, and they were witnesses to all the dysfunction. Even though they vowed to do everything differently, they find they have carried some of those habits into their marriage. However, some have grown up in happy homes where their parents had a great marriage, but they never shared the secret. Everything looked pretty easy. Therefore, we lack not only knowledge but mentors who can guide us. 

We are thrust into the most important relationship of life without anything to go on. We enter with butterflies and rainbows and find it is a cycle of good times, bad times, and terrible times. Love has to be a choice over and over again.

Unfortunately, we have no idea when we get married what is ahead and usually muddle through it like a blind worm. But, you can learn to deal with problems in your marriage. And it will begin with you.

You can find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/27

Good Marriages Require Clear Boundaries

Do you know the saying good fences make good neighbors? Well, good boundaries make good marriages.  If couples are being true to themselves by setting clear boundaries, they will be better partners. We don't enjoy intimacy by giving ourselves away but by being ourselves more fully. You can surrender to love and intimacy while also maintaining a certain kind of boundary that keeps you connected to yourself. 

Healthy boundaries help people communicate more effectively and work together. It prevents misunderstandings. 

Let me be clear: Boundaries are not walls, and they can be fluid depending on the circumstances. Although in the presence of someone who is continuously crossing your boundaries, no matter how many times you set them or are emotionally or physically abusive, walls are necessary. You have a choice to protect yourself first and foremost.  

A boundary is a limit you can set on what you will accept of another person's words or actions. It is a way to honor and take care of yourself. You will only be happy with yourself to the extent you embrace your thoughts and feelings about things and communicate them with your unique and powerful voice. 

What it looks like to have no boundaries:

This is what people with no boundaries do, and I was one of the people for years, so I speak from first-hand experience. 

Because they don't have boundaries when they feel violated in some way, they lash out or retreat in silence.   

They take on all the feelings of those around them. Whatever the frame of mind or the emotions being presented, they automatically take them on.  Just ask yourself, do the moods of others change your mood? 

They allow other people to determine how they feel about themselves. If they are met with disapproval, they automatically take it personally and feel less than. If someone is unhappy or distant, they may think it is something they have done.  If someone doesn't show respect, they feel worthless. 

They apologize for things they have no control over. Let me give you an example of this. If I was late somewhere because of traffic, I use to apologize. I've even been standing by a shelf picking up things, and someone comes up behind me needing to get where I am, and I would apologize for being in the way. If I were even late getting dinner fixed, I'd apologize as if I had nothing to do but serve my family. Isn't that crazy?  I had nothing to be sorry for. You may think, well, that is good manners. I say that is self-deprecating.

People without boundaries can let others take advantage of them.  They don't say no; that doesn't work for me because they fear rejection or other consequences of upsetting the relationship's balance. These are usually people pleasers.

They also don't stand up for themselves but are victims of people and events. They feel overwhelmed and frustrated with others and themselves. They are usually emotionally and physically spent.  

For complete show notes to the Episode go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/26

If you listened to last week's interview with Marisa Wheeling Ceisluk, you heard us talking about the power of finding your voice and how it can change your life.  I started thinking, but what if someone doesn't even know what their voice is and needs to find it? It's one thing to see the self-empowerment of finding a voice, and another to find your unique voice and use it.

Sadly, I didn't have a voice until 4 years ago, when I 48. I didn't know how to speak my truth. To be honest, I wasn't even sure what my reality was half of the time. I certainly didn't think my voice would make any difference. Basically, I had no confidence in myself.  

 Ultimately, I felt like I was a victim of my marriage. For instance, I would defer to my husband because I didn't think what I felt or thought was critical, and I made up in my mind that if we disagreed, it would cause a conflict, and I avoided that at all cost. Then, I would be angry with myself and resentful with him even though I had given up my power for not speaking my mind. I did this with my friends and my parents as well. I felt totally powerless and frustrated all the time. 

Ladies here is a truth for you today: we determine our destiny. In the words of Buddha, "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can, and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." 

So Here are Four Ways to Find Your Voice on your Path to Self-Empowerment. 

First, find strong, healthy women who are using their voice and connect where you can. I began looking around in my circle for women like this. I developed relationships with them. I had lunch with them. I talked on the phone with them. I watched and listened to how they were dealing with things in their lives. I asked questions about how they would handle some of the problems I was having. I also started following amazing women I looked up to on social media. I read their blogs, posts, and books. I even listened to podcasts of strong women. I began to emulate these women to find my voice. 

Second, determine where in your marriage you are holding back. Here are just a few examples and they are not an exhaustive list by any means.  Are you trying to live up to your husband's expectations for you? Are you carrying the load of the household without asking for his help? Are you accepting that your husband is disengaged or emotionally distant and going your separate ways? Are you having obligatory sex? Maybe you are allowing disrespect from your husband. I suggest you take the time to make a list. This will help you examine where you are and get you started.  

You can find the complete show notes to this episode at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/25

This interview is with Marisa Wheeling Ciesluk.  She is a certified leadership and executive coach. She is also a speaker and the CEO of MWC coaching. She works with high performing, driven women to help them really get out of their own way.  She helps them to be the leaders that they are designed to be, whether it's in their workplace, their community, their business, or ultimately in their lives. She is an educator, compassionate disrupter, and storyteller. She helps women to navigate what she calls the "mind drama," that's often in our heads. It's preventing us from showing up as competent, authentic, and intentional leaders. So she helps women to connect to themselves, to their inner voice, really get curious about what's going on, and what is creating the stories that are in their head. She does this through speaking engagements, as well as leadership, learning labs, and coaching so that people have a safe and judgment free zone to really get curious and take action so that they can become leaders that they're designed to be.

A transcript of the interview can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/24

 I am so excited to have Najah Drakes on the podcast today. Najah is a writer, turned blogger, designer, and entrepreneur. While she is academically and professionally trained with over 20 years of experience in all things finance, she uses her real-life experiences to encourage and empower women to live the purpose-filled life God desires each one to live. She holds a bachelor's degree from Spelman College and a Master of Arts degree with distinction from John Hopkins University School of Advanced International Studies. Najah is the founder of Divinico. an online retailer designed to help women sparkle. She has some beautiful things.  In her free time, you will find her dancing, reading, writing, and loving on her husband of almost 20 years and their five sons.

 In 2020, Najah started Spark Her Blaze http://www.sparkherblaze.com, a coaching company that empowers women to spark their flame so that they can blaze their uniquely divine trail. She encourages and empowers women to get that spark back, to move forward in the areas of their life that matter most- where they desire to see the most progress.

In this episode we will be talking about what you can learn about yourself in your marriage.

You can find the transcript of the episode at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage/23

True Intimacy

“There is a way of “being” that has to happen to get really close to a partner. That’s intimacy. Connect in a way that is pulling them into you-drawing them energetically into closeness. It’s a word or a touch.”

“Your husband must know how to talk to you, touch you. The problem is he doesn’t unless you tell him.” 

You can’t expect your husband to just “know.”

Sharing your needs for intimacy

“Create space to share needs. When there is an opportunity- a quiet moment, get relaxed. Don’t take the lead but create an experience. Look for that moment to connect on an emotional level.”

“Men fundamentally want to take care of their wives. They want to be Superman, but they don’t want to be coached into being superman.”

Knowing What Your Husband Thinks

This is usually the result of not asking the right questions. Saying things like, “What are you thinking?” or “I never know what you are thinking,” will not take you into rich communication. 

“Instead of telling him, ‘I don’t understand you’ or ‘I don’t know what you think,’ you can ask, ‘What do you think about______________________?’ Invite him to participate in conversation then you will know what he thinks.”

“Frank, honest conversations are the key to emotional connection.”

Mutual understanding comes from this kind of conversation.

“Prescriptive questioning to get out what you want to talk about is selfish. Men can spot if there is an agenda to a conversation. They can tell just by the body position.”

“Natural curiosity leads to good listening.”

Understanding Your Motives

“The ‘come from’ is what is leading you to say what you want to say to your partner. It’s what’s really behind what you need to express.”

Understanding what’s behind your feelings and expressing them appropriately gets to the heart of the matter.

If your frustrated, disappointed or angry-what is the underlying thing. Determine it. There is always an underlying feeling. Are you angry when he comes home and plops down without talking with you? What’s behind that anger? Rejection? Loneliness? That’s your ‘come from’.

“Men will do anything to avoid uncomfortable conversations. If you are going to give feedback or say something important to your partner ask yourself, ‘Why am I saying this?’”

“If you share your feelings and are met with defensiveness, don’t bite and get into a fight. Allow him to process how you feel.”

For complete show notes to this episode, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage/22

Gems from Kevin’s Interview

“Men don’t have a clue about who they are. They don’t often have the insight into their own lives-what’s working, what’s not, or how to solve it. Men compartmentalize so much of their lives-work life, homelife and they often live in denial about what is going on.  They often don’t even know what is going on with them.” 

“Couples control a relationship’s expiration date by how they interact in the relationship.” 

“Men naturally work very hard to level up-to perform at the top level in many areas of their lives, but not always in their marriages. The “masculine” is very action-oriented, goal-focused.

“Marriage for women is the beginning of something beautiful. Men on the other hand think marriage itself is the accomplishment and they go on to pursue other goals in their lives.” 

“The idea of working on the relationship-the idea of investing time and energy to move the relationship forward-the thoughts that they could get more out of the relationship-isn’t part of their thinking. Women are more tuned in. They know there is something missing. Women are relationship engineers.”

80% of marital problems are acknowledged and brought up by women. 

“Women have the diagnostic ability to identify what isn’t working, but they aren’t the treatment planners. They don’t know what needs to be done about it.”

“Men don’t look into the relationship. They don’t dig in. Men are pretty comfortable cruising along-house, family. Men don’t really think about the maintenance. 

“Men will notice the lack of sexual intimacy. Men tend to put the effort in when there’s a specific outcome or reward. But, when it comes to sex, they don’t put that connection together. They don’t grow their understanding of their wives changing sexual needs.” This causes resentment. Women will end up having “duty sex” out of obligation and feel resentment that their husband isn’t even aware she isn’t enjoying it.

Men can get stuck approaching sex the same way every single time. They don’t see the connection between the relationship and the sexual connection. But they need to, especially if they can see the reward in it. 

“There is a responsibility to have meaningful conversations about every aspect of the relationship.”

How to Approach These Conversations:

“Men are not usually comfortable having conversations about intimacy. They often feel blamed or attacked like someone is criticizing them.”

Key: Accept Responsibility

E + R = Outcome

E-the event

R-response or reaction

“If the outcome needs to change, you have to change the R-the response or reaction. If you respond or react with defensiveness, criticism, or attack, you will get one outcome. If you respond in a thoughtful manner, you’ll get another outcome.”

For complete show notes to this episode go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage/21