Welcome to episode 10, Softening Your Approach to Diffuse Conflicts.  This is also the last episode in the series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage. While I am positive I will be talking about communication a gazillion times in the future, I will shift gears a bit. 

I do hope this series has helped you in some small way. If you have communication topics you’d like to hear about in the future, email me at [email protected]. This podcast is designed with you in mind. 

Here is a question for you:  How do you approach emotionally charged conversations with your husband? Do You approach in a gentle way or harshly?

Harsh approaches to difficult conversations come from several places. 

One is when instead of promptly bringing up issues as they arise, you put them aside, storing them up. As the pressure builds, just one event can cause a complete explosion. 

Another reason we choose a harsh approach is that we want to inflict some of the pain we are feeling. It’s retribution. If you do this to me, then I’ll do this to you. 

The last reason is we don’t know how to approach conflict properly.

If you can relate to any of these, you are not alone. I see it happen to more marriages than I care to admit. 

Ladies, we are more likely than our husbands to bring up issues that arise in the marriage. As I said in episode 9, men tend to avoid conflict at all costs. They are more prone to experience more emotional stress to conflict and feel flooded with emotion.

With this in mind, we have a great deal of power over HOW we initiate tough conversations, and it can set the tone of what ensues. It can make a difference in how you are received.

If you find that conflicts turn ugly in a nanosecond, let me suggest ways to ease into the conflict to soften your approach and get better results. 

First, make sure you don’t approach with sarcasm, criticism,  or contempt. That will shut down a positive exchange quicker than an electric shock.  Those would be harsh approaches. 

Second, no matter what you are feeling about the situation, take some time to center yourself and your emotions, so they are in check, even if you are in the middle of what is causing the conflict. Walk away if necessary.  Feel your feelings but don’t let them override your message. 

Third, think about what you need and want to accomplish in the conversation. What’s the goal? Is it to express your anger over a behavior so that it might change? Is it to share your hurt feelings so your husband understands how his behavior is affecting you? Is it to share your sense of loneliness because you feel disconnected? Could it be that you think your relationship is no longer exciting, and you need cooperation to change it? 

Conversations that are emotionally charged require careful thought, or they will derail like an out of control train.

You will find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/10

Although this is episode 9, this is the fifth episode in the Series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage. Can you tell how much I believe effective communication is a cornerstone of intimacy? 

You’ll find show notes to this episode at reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/9.

How does fighting go in your marriage? Do you both walk away licking your wounds, or do you have fights that allow you to communicate about emotionally charged topics to increase your understanding of each other? If you need a box of bandages after fights with your husband, I hope this topic today will help you both. 

I’m going to talk about the 4 Things to Avoid in a Fight.

One of the programs I’ve studied regarding couples and marriage is based on the 35-year research by Dr. John Gottman of The Gottman Institute. He is the author of 190 published academic articles and author and co-author of 40 books. He is an expert in the field of marital relationships, not to mention warm and humorous. 

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he talks about the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.  These are the four obstacles to effective fighting. When they are active in arguments, they annihilate productive resolutions in communication and cause a widening gap in the relationship. The Four Horseman are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.  

I want to clarify these four horsemen are not my original ideas but Dr. Gottman’s, and I want to explain them and give you examples.

The first horseman is criticism. Criticism is when a discussion is started with an attack on the character or personality of a person instead of on the complaint. Complaints about your spouse are standard. Who doesn’t have complaints about their spouse? Complaints should be about behavior or event- not an attack on a person’s being. 

Here is an example: Say you can tell your husband is not listening to you and you want to confront it. Criticism would sound something like this: Bill, you aren’t listening. In fact, you never listen to me. I bet you listen to people at work, don’t you?  

The complaint is you aren’t listening to me, and it causes me anger. The criticism is attacking Bill’s character, which will cause him to become angry and defensive immediately. 

The second horseman is contempt.  Bill’s inattention isn’t acceptable, but a conversation can’t begin with. You never listen to me, Bill. I listen to you even when I don’t want to. Here you are, saying, I’m better than you, and you need to change, and you aren’t interesting to listen to either. Yes, Bill needs to change, but he will be less likely to do so if he thinks you are placing yourself in a one-up position and putting him down.

The third horseman is defensiveness. Defensiveness can arise from any conflict but especially when a conversation is started with the first two horseman-criticism and contempt. How do you respond when you are approached with criticism and contempt? I can tell you how I do.  I get angry pretty quickly and start defending myself against the assault and usually respond with my own version of criticism and contempt. 

The fourth horseman is stonewalling. Stonewalling is the result of the first three horsemen. Eventually, one party will check out and disengage. Dr. Gottman calls it flooding and states that stonewalling usually happens later in the marriage. It’s like after a while, no one wants to engage in conflict any longer, so they just emotionally or physically walk away in resignation. I can’t handle this-I’m out. I can’t feel these intense emotions, so I’m done. 

For complete show notes visit http://www.reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/9

This is the 5th episode of the series Communicating Like a Pro in Your Marriage. 

I hope you've been able to listen to the previous episodes, but if not, I encourage you to do so. 

There is no more excellent gift a couple can give each other than the joy that results from feeling known and understood. I'm willing to bet that you felt this fully and completely at the beginning of your relationship and marriage. 

But marriages can change and evolve just like we do, and if we don't continue to know and understand each other through those changes, we may think we no longer know our spouses at all. 

When we stop being interested in knowing and understanding our spouse as they change, mature and grow, intimacy will wane. Assuming you know your husband and,  he you, is something only you can decide, but I see couples married for many, many years that hasn't increased their knowledge over the years even though they have evolved.

I don't mean the kind of knowledge like what your husband likes to eat, what time he will sit down to watch TV, or how he does chores around the house. Those are great and fine, but not what I mean. I'm talking about knowing and understanding the inner world of your spouse. 

The more you know about each other's inner world, the more profound and rewarding your relationship will be. 

To know and understand your spouse thoroughly, you must do three things:

·       Be vulnerable

·       Be Curious

·       Look for the little opportunities

Be vulnerable enough to share the deepest parts of yourself. 

If you are like me, being vulnerable is a tough thing to do. Not everyone has a great deal of self-confidence even in middle age. I've struggled with my confidence my entire life, and I meet middle-aged women all the time that suffer from self-esteem issues. Keeping the inner workings of our being can be a way to protect ourselves, and it is based on the fear of rejection. - especially if sharing yourself has been a painful experience.  The thought behind hiding our true selves is that if we keep ourselves safe, we won't be hurt. Being vulnerable has its risks, no doubt, but not being vulnerable leaves you with a surface relationship. 

Let me give you an example: I am not an affectionate person—no touchy-feely for me. I was sexually abused as a child, so I was very uncomfortable with anyone touching me without my permission. It just didn't feel safe, which is not uncommon in cases of sexual abuse or assault. 

Unfortunately, my family was overly affectionate, and it violated my personal space. But, I didn't have the courage, growing up, to place those boundaries up-heck, I had no idea what boundaries were back then. So, for my entire childhood, I suffered from unsolicited affection. So, anyone that gave me any unsolicited affection caused me to recoil. 

This wouldn't have been a problem in my marriage if my husband wasn't affectionate. So, when he would be affectionate, I would bristle. He didn't like it but accepted it, albeit reluctantly. In fact, I think he took it personally. If you want affection and you're husband doesn't give it, it can feel like you can feel undesirable and vice versa. However, someone’s lack of affection can be deep-seated, so it is important to understand what is behind it. 

When my husband and I began our journey of rediscovering each other, we had to start talking about what was behind our feelings to understand one another better. 

For complete show notes you can go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/8

This is the fourth episode in the series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage.

Is your relationship filled with shallow conversations? What's for dinner? Did you take the dog out? How’s your day? What color should we paint the house? Have you heard from the kids? 

It's not uncommon for couples to get in a rut in conversation, and today I want to give you an exercise to do that will get you started in deepening your conversations with your husband.

Do you remember when you were dating your husband? It's my guess your conversations were exciting and fun. I know mine were.

In the beginning, we are genuinely curious about each other. We want to know each other on a deeper level. It's exciting to be so engrossed in another human being that you want to know everything thing about them.  

So how do we get to such perfunctory conversations after years of marriage? It's not because we stopped caring, but because life happens, and it is so full of busyness that the conversations we use to have are overshadowed with the details of living.

Before long, we can forget why we ever got together in the first place. It's no wonder couples feel a disconnect. 

Surface communication patterns are indicative of a surface relationship. 

So many couples find themselves alone again having nothing of value to talk about anymore. 

Can you relate?

Now, I'm not saying conversations about work, tasks, or your family aren't important topics, but there has to be more to increase our intimacy in the midlife marriage. 

So, how do you do this?

1.     Become curious about your spouse again. You may think you know everything about your spouse, but you both have changed throughout the years. Are you the same person you were when you were dating? I know I'm not. And neither is my husband. Life experiences change us. We grow, we shift our views, and we know ourselves better. 

 2.     Begin to ask meaningful questions based on this curiosity and listen carefully without expectations for the responses. If you ask questions that are selfishly motivated to get certain answers, you won't give your spouse the space to be genuinely authentic. 

 3.     Be open, respectful, and non-judgmental.

 4.     Allow the questions to move the conversation forward by responding to your spouse organically.

 5.     Be willing to be vulnerable. Meaningful conversations require vulnerability for both of you because it goes deeper. 

 If you are feeling like you have no idea why you and your husband are together anymore, this exercise can be a first step in deepening your conversations and intimacy, but I want you to use the skills I mentioned.

The complete show notes to this episode can be found at Reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/7

This episode in the 3 in the series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage.  

Like it or not, sometimes, feedback is uncomfortable.  

The reason feedback can be uncomfortable is that it challenges our thinking or behavior in some way we may not have expected. And, it can cause defensiveness.

Let me give you just one example:  

Say you are upset that someone keeps taking advantage of you. They expect you to bend over backward for them and give you nothing in return. Maybe it is an issue you bring up to your husband a lot. If he were to say, Honey, why are you letting them take advantage of you and do nothing about it? Isn’t there something you can do so that you aren’t treated this way? 

The challenge in that feedback is, what can you do about it? What I see happen in others and even in my own life is that the feedback is taken personally. You think it is my fault they are taking advantage of me? So, I’m the problem?

Instead of looking at the possible solutions to the problem, the ego goes into defensive mode. The ego is a powerful force and often keeps us from receiving feedback that we could benefit from. 

If you can look at feedback as a learning experience, not a challenge of your worth, you can grow from it.  We can find ourselves stuck in patterns of behavior that don’t benefit us. When challenged, we can look at what we can do to empower ourselves to change those behaviors or circumstances. It requires humility-something we don’t always have. 

Let me give you an example that just happened between my husband and me. My husband gave me the feedback that he felt disconnected from me. He said I had been super quiet, uncommunicative, and distant. 

My internal response was defensiveness. What are you talking about? I’m not doing that, but I listened until he finished.  My feedback to him was I didn’t realize that, but I would have to think about it and get back with him on it. 

The reason I did that was that at first, his feedback didn’t resonate with me, but I didn’t want to disregard it because that was how he felt, and I needed to do some self-reflection. Sometimes, I don’t realize what I’m doing until someone brings it to my attention, so I’ve learned to be more open to what someone else is seeing. 

It took me a day or two, but I thought about what it was that made him feel that way.   

I realized that I was very stressed out. I was engrossed in my work, and it was always on my mind even when I wasn’t working. I also felt what I call the COVID blues. This pandemic has made me feel isolated and out of sync. I have felt depressed and anxious for many days. All of this together had gotten me stuck in my head, totally self-absorbed and distant. 

You see, through taking the time to process the uncomfortable feedback, I learned how my husband was viewing my behavior and how he needed me to be more present and interactive. What I learned about myself was that I was doing what I often do in times of stress- I went into my head and shut down everything around me. Once I could see it, I could work on changing that behavior.

Now, here is the other side of receiving feedback from someone. What if you are given feedback in a condescending and judgmental way? 

Going back to the example of being taken advantage of, say the feedback you get is It’s your fault they take advantage of you. Stop complaining and do something about it.

Condescending and judgmental, right? So what in the hell can you learn from that?

You can find the complete show notes to this episode at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/6.

This episode is part of the series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage.

In the last episode, episode 4, How to Empower Your Marriage Through Validation, I talked about intentional listening and the feedback of validation, so if you haven’t listened to that yet, we are building upon it today. You will find that episode at http://www.reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com or on your favorite app.

Today I will be talking about some simple skills for giving feedback that will foster more transparent communication that is respectful and productive. 

The first skill is to ask any clarifying questions, so you are sure you are hearing what the other person is saying. 

Sometimes I’m guilty of mishearing what someone says. 

We have a lot of noise in our heads that can skew what we hear. 

A clarifying question could be, Do I hear that you want to quit your job or find a way to enjoy your job more than you are now?

Asking these clarifying questions allows your feedback to be on target.

The second skill is always to ask permission to give feedback. 

Why do you need to ask permission? Because believe it or not, not everyone wants your feedback.  Sometimes, people just want to vent and feel validated. 

Assuming because someone is sharing with you, you have the right to offer unsolicited feedback is making what you want to share more important than what is being shared. 

Ever have the experience of venting to someone, and as soon as you finished, without an invitation, they went into what they would do and what you should do? Thanks, but no thanks. 

Here are some options for questions you can ask before giving feedback:

·       Would you like some feedback? 

·       Can I share my thoughts with you? 

·       Would you like to hear my thoughts on this?

 If someone asks you what you think, you don’t have to ask permission to give feedback. You’ve been given the green light.

Don’t take it personally if your husband says no.  I haven’t had that happen too many times, but it has happened. It’s okay for someone not to want feedback.  I’ve been put off many times by people giving me feedback when I just wanted them to listen. 

Giving unsolicited feedback is a violation of boundaries. 

You can find the complete show notes to this episode at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/5.

This episode is the first in the series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage.

Validation is the initial feedback you give someone after they’ve shared their feelings and experience with you and should be the very first thing out of your mouth. 

Validation is a form of feedback that says to someone, I’m listening, I’m with you, and I care deeply about what you are sharing and experiencing. It is short, thoughtful, and empathetic. 

It empowers the other person and opens the door for further communication about the topic of discussion. 

It is the only feedback everyone wants when they are sharing something. 

I love this quote from Leo Rosten because it speaks of the importance of validation. 

Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood. 

Isn’t it refreshing to have someone listen and respond in such a way that you feel heard and understood completely? 

It is a beautiful gift to give and receive, yet very few people use validation in communication because they don’t know how it works. And yet, it is so simple.

That’s why I wanted to do this episode. It is an invaluable skill for communication in your marriage as well as in all your relationships. I want you to experience the benefits.

It is not complicated; it is a super simple skill, but super useful.

Validation requires two things:

The first is intentional listening. It is listening not only to the words someone says but the emotion and the tone of voice. It also requires observing the body language, which speaks volumes. 

It sounds easy, but intentional listening requires a concerted effort, free of distraction and judgment. 

It reminds me of learning to meditate. When I started meditating, I got quiet and focused on my breath. In conversation, this would be like focusing on the speaker. 

The problem with my mediation practice, in the beginning, was my thoughts kept distracting me from my breath. In conversation, this would be when our thoughts distract us from intentional listening to the speaker.

What I was taught to do was mentally label my thoughts as “thinking” and return to my breath. In listening, this would be when I notice I’m distracted by my thoughts and judgments and quickly return to the conversation.  

My mediation practice helped me become a better listener.

The second thing required for validation is acknowledging the emotions or feeling behind the words by sharing it back to the speaker, mirroring their words and emotions. 

I hear how you are stressed out about your workload. Stress is not an easy thing to deal with. I hate you are going through this. 

Or, I hear your anger about your friend lying to you. That must be tough. I can understand why you are upset. I would be too. 

Saying things like It will get better, Don’t worry about it, It’s no big deal are dismissive and minimize the emotion someone has expressed. 

Do you see how short and sweet validation is? Not too complicated, right? But, what a powerful way to open up communication.

Unfortunately, there are two things people do that take the place of validation altogether. They feel like validation, but they aren’t.

You can find the complete show notes to this episode at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/4

Communicating anger is tricky, isn’t it? It may sound crazy, but I was 47 years old when I learned how to feel my feelings, accept them, and learn to communicate them with confidence. I can’t tell you how empowering that was for me. Anger was the feeling I struggled to communicate without hurting others around me as well as myself.

 I believe we bring our family of origin issues into all aspects of our lives. If you aren’t familiar with that term, simply put, it is that we bring into our lives ways of being from our home life. Either anger was communicated in volatility, or it was not communicated at all because it wasn’t allowed. 

People do one of two things: Mirror what they grew up in or go to the opposite end of the pendulum. Neither is a balanced way of living. We must learn to function in the middle of the extremes. In my home, anger was communicated in a highly volatile way. It usually involved judgments and criticism, which cause shame. Anger was damaging. 

Having never seen anger expressed healthily and constructively, I could be both volatile and silent. Usually, I would give the silent treatment and punish with my unexpressed anger, emotionally cutting my husband off.  

Then something happened with all the pent-up anger, and I would explode in an ugly rage, and it was usually an innocuous event that didn’t merit that intense a response. I had so much anger inside.

Even my children today, now that I’ve changed exponentially in dealing with my anger, told me I used to be so angry all the time. And that was because I stored it up and acted like a sullen child.

Feeling anger is healthy and necessary. We all have a right to our anger, and we always need to accept it as a legitimate feeling. Anger is an empowering emotion but used carelessly; it becomes a weapon, wielding damaging wounds.

Unexpressed anger can also produce anxiety and depression. In the book Love is a Choice: Recovery for Codependent Relationships by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth, and Dr. Paul Meier, they assert depression is anger turned inward.

I want to be clear this is not the depression that is caused by a chemical imbalance. I suffer from that kind of depression myself, so I don’t want you to think I’m dismissing it. You see, without expressing our anger, it becomes stored in our bodies and compounds over time.

Can you imagine if you didn’t allow yourself to express the emotions of joy? Or, you never allowed yourself to cry? That’s unnatural- so is storing your anger in silence, which communicates a message, but a futile one.

When anger is expressed in a way that involves criticism, degradation, and judgment, it damages the recipient and rarely resolves the issue.

The key is expressing it with power and grace, which is not a skill most of us have been taught in life. If you are lucky, you came from a family that mirrored healthy communication habits.  Unfortunately, most of us haven’t. 

Communication of words is only one aspect. Facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice communicate the emotions behind our message.  I used to be pretty menacing when I was angry, and it usually overshadowed my message. When someone comes at you like a raging bull, you either fight or flee. 

I love to read body language and try to figure out what someone is feeling. I’m weird like that. I love to people watch.  It isn’t too hard to watch someone talking to another and know what they are feeling, right?

The body language of anger, however, can shut down the person you need to communicate with. It can cause the defense mechanism to kick into gear long before the words are even said. Worse, the words are rarely even heard. 

You can find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarraige.com/2