This episode in the 3 in the series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage.  

Like it or not, sometimes, feedback is uncomfortable.  

The reason feedback can be uncomfortable is that it challenges our thinking or behavior in some way we may not have expected. And, it can cause defensiveness.

Let me give you just one example:  

Say you are upset that someone keeps taking advantage of you. They expect you to bend over backward for them and give you nothing in return. Maybe it is an issue you bring up to your husband a lot. If he were to say, Honey, why are you letting them take advantage of you and do nothing about it? Isn’t there something you can do so that you aren’t treated this way? 

The challenge in that feedback is, what can you do about it? What I see happen in others and even in my own life is that the feedback is taken personally. You think it is my fault they are taking advantage of me? So, I’m the problem?

Instead of looking at the possible solutions to the problem, the ego goes into defensive mode. The ego is a powerful force and often keeps us from receiving feedback that we could benefit from. 

If you can look at feedback as a learning experience, not a challenge of your worth, you can grow from it.  We can find ourselves stuck in patterns of behavior that don’t benefit us. When challenged, we can look at what we can do to empower ourselves to change those behaviors or circumstances. It requires humility-something we don’t always have. 

Let me give you an example that just happened between my husband and me. My husband gave me the feedback that he felt disconnected from me. He said I had been super quiet, uncommunicative, and distant. 

My internal response was defensiveness. What are you talking about? I’m not doing that, but I listened until he finished.  My feedback to him was I didn’t realize that, but I would have to think about it and get back with him on it. 

The reason I did that was that at first, his feedback didn’t resonate with me, but I didn’t want to disregard it because that was how he felt, and I needed to do some self-reflection. Sometimes, I don’t realize what I’m doing until someone brings it to my attention, so I’ve learned to be more open to what someone else is seeing. 

It took me a day or two, but I thought about what it was that made him feel that way.   

I realized that I was very stressed out. I was engrossed in my work, and it was always on my mind even when I wasn’t working. I also felt what I call the COVID blues. This pandemic has made me feel isolated and out of sync. I have felt depressed and anxious for many days. All of this together had gotten me stuck in my head, totally self-absorbed and distant. 

You see, through taking the time to process the uncomfortable feedback, I learned how my husband was viewing my behavior and how he needed me to be more present and interactive. What I learned about myself was that I was doing what I often do in times of stress- I went into my head and shut down everything around me. Once I could see it, I could work on changing that behavior.

Now, here is the other side of receiving feedback from someone. What if you are given feedback in a condescending and judgmental way? 

Going back to the example of being taken advantage of, say the feedback you get is It’s your fault they take advantage of you. Stop complaining and do something about it.

Condescending and judgmental, right? So what in the hell can you learn from that?

You can find the complete show notes to this episode at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/6.