Welcome to episode 10, Softening Your Approach to Diffuse Conflicts.  This is also the last episode in the series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage. While I am positive I will be talking about communication a gazillion times in the future, I will shift gears a bit. 

I do hope this series has helped you in some small way. If you have communication topics you’d like to hear about in the future, email me at [email protected]. This podcast is designed with you in mind. 

Here is a question for you:  How do you approach emotionally charged conversations with your husband? Do You approach in a gentle way or harshly?

Harsh approaches to difficult conversations come from several places. 

One is when instead of promptly bringing up issues as they arise, you put them aside, storing them up. As the pressure builds, just one event can cause a complete explosion. 

Another reason we choose a harsh approach is that we want to inflict some of the pain we are feeling. It’s retribution. If you do this to me, then I’ll do this to you. 

The last reason is we don’t know how to approach conflict properly.

If you can relate to any of these, you are not alone. I see it happen to more marriages than I care to admit. 

Ladies, we are more likely than our husbands to bring up issues that arise in the marriage. As I said in episode 9, men tend to avoid conflict at all costs. They are more prone to experience more emotional stress to conflict and feel flooded with emotion.

With this in mind, we have a great deal of power over HOW we initiate tough conversations, and it can set the tone of what ensues. It can make a difference in how you are received.

If you find that conflicts turn ugly in a nanosecond, let me suggest ways to ease into the conflict to soften your approach and get better results. 

First, make sure you don’t approach with sarcasm, criticism,  or contempt. That will shut down a positive exchange quicker than an electric shock.  Those would be harsh approaches. 

Second, no matter what you are feeling about the situation, take some time to center yourself and your emotions, so they are in check, even if you are in the middle of what is causing the conflict. Walk away if necessary.  Feel your feelings but don’t let them override your message. 

Third, think about what you need and want to accomplish in the conversation. What’s the goal? Is it to express your anger over a behavior so that it might change? Is it to share your hurt feelings so your husband understands how his behavior is affecting you? Is it to share your sense of loneliness because you feel disconnected? Could it be that you think your relationship is no longer exciting, and you need cooperation to change it? 

Conversations that are emotionally charged require careful thought, or they will derail like an out of control train.

You will find the complete show notes at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/10