This episode is the first in the series How to Communicate Like a Pro in Your Marriage.

Validation is the initial feedback you give someone after they’ve shared their feelings and experience with you and should be the very first thing out of your mouth. 

Validation is a form of feedback that says to someone, I’m listening, I’m with you, and I care deeply about what you are sharing and experiencing. It is short, thoughtful, and empathetic. 

It empowers the other person and opens the door for further communication about the topic of discussion. 

It is the only feedback everyone wants when they are sharing something. 

I love this quote from Leo Rosten because it speaks of the importance of validation. 

Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood. 

Isn’t it refreshing to have someone listen and respond in such a way that you feel heard and understood completely? 

It is a beautiful gift to give and receive, yet very few people use validation in communication because they don’t know how it works. And yet, it is so simple.

That’s why I wanted to do this episode. It is an invaluable skill for communication in your marriage as well as in all your relationships. I want you to experience the benefits.

It is not complicated; it is a super simple skill, but super useful.

Validation requires two things:

The first is intentional listening. It is listening not only to the words someone says but the emotion and the tone of voice. It also requires observing the body language, which speaks volumes. 

It sounds easy, but intentional listening requires a concerted effort, free of distraction and judgment. 

It reminds me of learning to meditate. When I started meditating, I got quiet and focused on my breath. In conversation, this would be like focusing on the speaker. 

The problem with my mediation practice, in the beginning, was my thoughts kept distracting me from my breath. In conversation, this would be when our thoughts distract us from intentional listening to the speaker.

What I was taught to do was mentally label my thoughts as “thinking” and return to my breath. In listening, this would be when I notice I’m distracted by my thoughts and judgments and quickly return to the conversation.  

My mediation practice helped me become a better listener.

The second thing required for validation is acknowledging the emotions or feeling behind the words by sharing it back to the speaker, mirroring their words and emotions. 

I hear how you are stressed out about your workload. Stress is not an easy thing to deal with. I hate you are going through this. 

Or, I hear your anger about your friend lying to you. That must be tough. I can understand why you are upset. I would be too. 

Saying things like It will get better, Don’t worry about it, It’s no big deal are dismissive and minimize the emotion someone has expressed. 

Do you see how short and sweet validation is? Not too complicated, right? But, what a powerful way to open up communication.

Unfortunately, there are two things people do that take the place of validation altogether. They feel like validation, but they aren’t.

You can find the complete show notes to this episode at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/4