Some of you are getting close to retirement, and for some, it may be further in the future. However, with proper planning now, you'll find your marriage better prepared for the next phase. 

Most couples look forward to retirement. They envision a time of relaxation, the opportunity to pursue interests and hobbies that they haven't had time for, and generally have the choice to decide what they will and won't do as their circumstances allow. Sounds like fun, right?  It can be, of course, but retirement is a whole new lifestyle that takes some planning ahead so that when you get there, you have your ducks in a row, so to speak. 

My husband is 7 years older than I am and will probably retire in the next 10 years, but I haven't decided to join him or continue to my retirement age. But, it is something I am beginning to think about because the reality of retirement is that it isn't always butterflies and rainbows for couples.

 I have some fear of the 24/7 with my husband, and yet we have a great relationship. It's like till death do us part, just not breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The vision doesn't always line up with reality. How many times does that happen in life, right? But we have begun the conversation about retirement because we want to be prepared for that transition in our marriage. 

I want to touch on three main points: The psychological effects of retirement and misaligned expectations. 

Let's talk about the psychological effects. The transition from work-life can affect how we see ourselves. Questions like Who am I now? What's my purpose? What do I do now?  You know your life's work is a significant source of satisfaction for many adults. It gives them a sense of purpose, identity, and structure to their week.  Without it, they can feel adrift and at a loss with what to do next. 

By most accounts, men have a more challenging time. But most women I know, whether they've been a homemaker or a career woman, can have the same questions arise. I know I did after my kids left, and I'm sure I will wonder the same things after I retire as well. 

So the lack of feeling like you have a purpose or identity can manifest in depression, much like in the empty nest syndrome I talked about in episode 19. Roughly 1/3 of retirees experience some form of depression in the first two years post-retirement. The London-based Institute of Economic Affairs puts that number higher, reporting that retirement increased clinical depression by 40%.   

You know, so much emphasis is placed on financial planning for retirement, but very little about the psychological planning that needs to be done. 

An issue I've seen a lot is when one partner struggles while the other makes a smooth transition. If you see your spouse feels at a loss or even suffering from depression, offer your support. Don't try to fix it for them. Don't tell them what they need to be doing to get out of the funk. Don't minimize what they are going through by saying things like, "Why are you so unhappy?" It's better to say, "Hey, I can see you are having a hard time. Do you want to talk about it?" Then you ask if there is anything they need from you.  

They have to work through the adjustment in their own time and in their own way. And don't take it personally. If your spouse seems unhappy, don't take it on as "They don't want to be with me, or they're not happy with me." It isn't about you. Give them time and space and be patient. 

For complete show notes you can go tohttp://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/20

Empty nest syndrome is a phenomenon in which parents experience feelings of sadness and loss when the children leave home. The empty nest can elicit profound grief, loneliness, and loss, especially for women who have had the lion's share of raising the children, maybe being a full-time mother or only working part-time. That's not to say men and career moms don't have a hard time with the change. They can suffer just as much. I know my husband has had his struggles, although I don't think it has been as profound as mine, but I was a stay-at-home mom. 

While you have actively encouraged your children to break out on their own, the experience of letting go can be painful. It might be difficult to have no children at home who need your care. You might miss being a part of your children's daily lives as well as their companionship.

 In this episode, I'm going to focus on the struggles with the empty or nearly empty nest, as some of my listeners are on the cusp of the empty nest, and they need to know how to prepare, so I'll cover both. 

There are different levels of the empty nest. One is when your kids are still dependent on you, say in college, and only come home for holidays. The other is when they have gone out and become totally independent. So, some may have an empty nest part-time and some full-time. Either way, there can be sadness and grief throughout these stages.

 I have one totally independent and one just graduating after attending lineman school. He will be returning home to live with us until he gets a job. But, with his work, he will likely be living far from us and working insane hours, so I'm expecting to go through some grief yet again. At least my daughter lives close by. For that, I'm very grateful. 

You know, I had some very grandiose ideas of what life would be like when my kids got older.  When my kids were younger, I remember on really challenging days thinking about how much easier life would be when my kids were older. Of course, I enjoyed more beautiful days with them than not, but it was just a lot of work. When they are older, I thought, boy, I will have all this time to do all the things I never have time to do. The reality was a bit different. 

First, let's talk about some of the most common experiences for women going through the empty nest. The loss and sadness in empty nest syndrome can make one vulnerable to depression. There can also be an identity crisis. Then there can be Glaring problems in the marriage that have been ignored but rise to the surface, causing marital conflict.  So I'll talk about those three things.

For complete show notes, go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/19

Do you remember when you couldn't keep your hands off each other, and you could have sex just about anywhere or anytime? It didn't take much for a spark to ignite the flame back then, did it?  The good old days, right? 

But what about now? Are you still enjoying a satisfying sex life? You should be, even if you've bought into the belief system that those days are over. 

You know there is no reason older couples can't enjoy sex just as much as the younger ones.  There is no age limit to sexual intimacy. No one likes to think of older couples enjoying sex into their 80's, but low and behold, they are.

 It's a cultural bias that says you have to be a certain age and look a certain way to be sexy or sexual. I call BS on that. Sex, as we age, may not look the exact same, but with the right approach can be just as wonderful- I think even better. 

You are not just older. You are wiser and know more about who you are.  You can revamp your sex life in middle age-trust me. I've experienced all these challenges and done everything I've suggested here. My sex life is better than ever. 

 Remember when I talked about when you were younger-anytime, anywhere. Well, as we age, we find ourselves in a different place. Sex therapist Sonia Wright calls it being in a place of neutrality.  When we are younger, our hormones have us in drive most of the time. In midlife, not so much.  

The thing about being in neutral-movement is still possible. There are several reasons we get into this state of neutral, so I'll cover some of them with solutions to try.  

Hormone Changes

 1.    The first reason we can get stuck in neutral is the hormone changes.  I talked about this last week in episode 17, Dealing with Sexual Dysfunction in Midlife. If you haven't listened to that, you can find it a reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/17.  In that episode, you'll find some options for the complications the hormone changes can bring.  I suggest seeing your OBGYN and see what might work for you. 

 Can’t get in the mood

 2.    The second reason we can feel stuck in neutral is that it feels like it takes so much longer to get in the mood. That doesn't mean you can't get in the mood any longer, but you may need to tap back into your sexuality a bit and determine what lights your fire- now. 

I have a friend that says what puts her in the mood is watching or reading love stories, even erotica. Some women find taking a hot bath, putting a beautiful negligee on, lighting candles, and having some music playing make them feel more in the mood. Whatever works for you is okay. There is no right or wrong.

I suggest couples plan sex so there can be more mental preparation for a woman who may find it harder to get in the mood. My husband and I plan sex now. Sound unromantic? Well, it works because then we can make an event of it instead of an afterthought after falling exhausted into bed. I like to know when so I can get myself prepared. 

The biggest sex muscle you have is your brain, and for me, at my age, I need to prepare so I can enjoy it mentally. I do some of the things that help me get in the mood, and I tell my husband that if he wants to have sex, we have to go to bed earlier, and I tailor my schedule around it, so I'm not feeling stressed with unfinished tasks on my plate. When we set time aside for sex, we can take our time, which is definitely my midlife speed these days.

For complete show notes to this episode visit http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/18

Thank you to the listener that suggested I do a podcast episode on sexual dysfunction in midlife, causing stress to the marriage. Interestingly enough, I'm in a Facebook group for women in midlife, and I've seen multiple posts lately about the difficulties many midlife couples face in their sex lives. So, I feel like I'm just responding to the call of the universe for this podcast. 

Even though I'll be addressing other issues of the midlife sexual experience, specifically in this episode, I'm going to address the most common sexual dysfunctions in midlife with some solutions to dealing with them. While I'm giving you some ideas, I'm not an MD so consulting a doctor is essential.

Let me begin by saying that we are physical and emotional beings. No matter what you are feeling about your sexuality right now, you are a sexual being who can still enjoy sexual intimacy even though you might doubt it. 

What I see happen is that when one or both partners deals with sexual dysfunction, it can cause them to feel shame. It can make them think that there is something seriously wrong with them. It can cause them to feel that they are no longer a sexual being. It can be a really sad time. But medical advancements provide so many options for sexual dysfunction today that it seems silly not to investigate them and try them out before throwing your sex life away.

We can enjoy sex in midlife, but it often means acknowledging the problem and facing it head-on.

 If you look back over the years of your life, how many times have you had to change things up a bit? We change workouts to accommodate our changing bodies. We change our diets when our health problems demand it. We go to our doctors when our aging bodies need more attention.

Change is inevitable, no matter how much you dislike it. And we have two choices: accept it and look for solutions or resist it and miss out. That choice makes all the difference in the world. 

 Sexual dysfunctions in midlife don't mean the sex is over or can no longer be satisfying.  Yes, women indeed have a drop in estrogen, causing lower libido, vaginal dryness, or vaginal pain, but men also lower testosterone. After men reach their 50's, erections may require more direct stimulation. The need to ejaculate is less urgent, and the rest periods between ejaculations grows longer. Medications for depression, blood pressure, and heart disease also affect the sexual relationship. 

With this in mind, I want to share some of the research I did on dealing with the physiological changes in midlife that affect the sexual experience.

The first step is getting to your doctor and getting open and specific about what you are experiencing. Many doctors or OBGYNS will start with getting your hormone levels tested and assessing if prescription hormone replacements might help you.

·      Men can boost their testosterone levels with injections, patches, and other formulations.  Women who have low libido can also use natural testosterone to help increase sexual desire. It can be delivered topically or taken by mouth and must be obtained by prescription from a compounding pharmacy. Blood testosterone levels must always be monitored. 

·      Men who have trouble with erectile dysfunction caused by low testosterone and other conditions can ask their doctor about using a drug such as Viagra or other methods to improve erections. Who hasn't heard about the joys of Viagra? 

For complete show notes go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/17

Welcome to Episode 16, How to Bring Romance Back into Your Marriage. 

The topic of this episode came directly from a listener. I am so excited to cover this topic. So, I want to thank this listener for reaching out. You can also submit a request for a topic by emailing me at reviveyourmidlfemarriage.com.  It is crucial for me to cover issues that matter to you.

Everyone wants romance in their marriages. And, yes, your husband likes romance even though you may think he doesn't. He may shy away from the word, but he does like gestures. Didn't he when you were new in love?  He may not come up with romance ideas like he did when you were first together, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know what romance is. You may have to jog his memory, but hey, we usually have to take the lead in our relationships most of the time, right? 

In the very first podcast episode I did, I talked about intimacy atrophy. If you haven't listened to episode 1, I encourage you to go back and listen to that. You can find it a http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/16. In that episode, I talked about 3 Reasons for Intimacy Atrophy and how to overcome them. One reason for intimacy atrophy is not prioritizing your relationship and allowing other things to take precedence of the marriage relationship. This is the same for romance. No doubt about it, romance can be a challenge while raising a family and establishing a career. But just because it hasn't been foremost in your mind for a while doesn't mean romance in midlife can't be reignited. 

We, unfortunately, have some myths about romance, so I want to cover 4 of them.

One is that romance just naturally happens when you love someone. If this were the case, every married couple would have romance throughout their entire marriage, but I find more often than not, romance can fade over time when it isn't a priority. However, just because you aren't experiencing romance right now doesn't mean the love is gone. 

Then there is the myth that couples must have the same romance ideas to be romantically connected. Not true. Each person has their own idea of romance. Determining what each person needs from the other is the only way to connect romantically. Maybe your spouse finds dinners out together romantic, while you enjoy flowers and sweet notes. Attending to each other's definition of romance is a way of expressing your love and care for the other. 

Another myth is that romance results from big gestures like a trip to an exotic locale or a weekend away together. Please don't get me wrong. Those can be super romantic. Who doesn't love that? But, there can be romance in the small things that make the large romantic excursions primed for even greater romance. With this pandemic, there has never been a time to look at small ways to increase romance. Travel is limited. Nights out dining, listening to bands, or dancing is remarkably limited. Not to mention the financial strain this pandemic has put on many people. 

The last myth is that there isn't enough time to experience romance. Even though the kids are gone, many couples still have demanding careers. At the end of the day, just fixing dinner and cleaning up takes up all you have left after a busy day. I get it. Sometimes, it seems like a lot of work, but honestly, we make it far more complicated than it has to be. I say this a lot in my podcast, your marriage must be intentional, or you are missing the riches of a partnership that thrives instead of just exists. 

Let me give you 3 ways to bring back the romance in your marriage.

Complete show notes to this episode can be found at http://revieyourmidlifemarriage.com/16

If the differences between you and your husband have you stuck in a state of anger, resentment, and frustration, here are Are there things you and your spouse do not see eye to eye on? Do you have different ways of doing things that cause friction? You may find yourself thinking, "Who are you?" or "How did we ever get married?" Those pesky differences can steal our serenity, can't they? 

We are led to believe that healthy relationships are those shared between entirely like minds, but that is simply not the case. Sure, in the honeymoon phase of new love, those differences are seen through rose-colored glasses. I can remember thinking my husband's quirks were cute while we were dating. Then I married him, and now having lived with him over half my life, the cuteness has worn off. 

Let me give you some differences between my husband and me. I get up in arms when things upset me. My husband rarely shares my same feelings about the issue. He is calm, cool, and collected almost all of the time, but I want him to jump in the middle of my feelings with me and be just as furious. It used to cause me to get so frustrated with him. I felt like he didn't care. 

When our kids were young, he always wanted them to clean up the toys they were playing with before moving on to the next thing. It used to drive me crazy. I didn't care if they had toys all over the yard and house as long as they were having fun. I knew, at the end of the day, we would clean it all up. This drove him crazy. 

Here's is a story I heard a marriage therapist share in training I was involved in. And let me tell you, this is an extreme example of dealing with annoyances. A wife was frustrated with her husband, always dropping his underwear on the floor and not putting them in the basket. Finally, she had enough and took a hammer and nailed all his underwear to the floor. Now I initially thought it was hilarious. Haven't you ever wanted to do something so extreme in your anger and frustration? I could relate. But the story turned tragic when I heard that their inability to resolve their differences healthily caused them to eventually divorce. I'm sure it wasn't just the underwear thing, but if you can't work through the little annoyances, you probably won't work through the significant issues either. The tragedy was that their perpetual problem couldn't be accepted and instead overtook the relationship's serenity. 

In his book After the Honey-Moon, Dan Wile said, When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you'll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years. Maybe you didn't want to hear that, but it is true. According to John Gottman in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 69% of marital problems are perpetual, meaning they can't be resolved. However, they can be managed. The pesky differences between couples are the source of many of these perpetual problems. 

There is a choice we have to make. Either allow our differences to cause an all-out war or learn a new way of coping with them. 

In this episode, I will give your 3 ways to manage these perpetual annoyances.

Complete show notes can be found at http://reviveyourmidlfemarriage.com/15

 Thank you for joining me for Episode 14, 3 Steps to Experience Joy in Your Marriage. You’ll find show notes to this episode at reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/14

Let me start with a question. Have you ever found yourself so consumed with “fixing” your marriage or partner that you’ve lost the joy? 

It’s so easy. We do this in our lives all the time. We get so focused on the doing we fail to experience the joy that is possible in our marriage. 

Joy is an emotion we need to have in our lives, but we sometimes give more attention to our anger and pain.  We focus on what’s not happening. While no feeling is off-limits or to be minimized, we do need to find out what brings us joy in our relationship, so we don’t get stuck in the doldrums of a long-term marriage. Joy is a part of our essential nature. To ignore it means we deny part of ourselves. 

If you aren’t experiencing joy in your relationship, that is a sign you need to step it up. 

If you aren’t feeling joy in your relationship, here is why:

1.     You know what would bring you joy, but it isn’t happening.  You resign yourself to this fact and assume you can live with it. 

2.     You have the mindset that since you’ve been married so long, your husband should know what brings you joy.  

3.     You have no idea what would bring back the joy in your relationship, much less what to do about it. 

You know, ladies, I can’t let you stay stuck that way. My sole mission in this podcast is to help you by sharing what I’ve learned and what I know what works.  So, I want to give you 3 Ways to experience joy in your marriage.  

1.     The first thing you need to do is assess what brings you joy in your relationship. If you aren’t sure, it is time you tap into your deepest self and ask, what would bring me joy in my relationship? And don’t worry if what brings you joy seems “trivial” in the whole scheme of things. No matter how small it is, if it brings you joy-honor it.  Your list is unique to you. Let me tell you just a few things that bring me joy, and I have many: when my husband takes my hand and holds it for no reason. Kisses on my cheek. Long, full-body hugs. When my husband says, let’s get away for a few days and plans a trip. Going to the movies together or watching a show we both are interested in. Sweet texts out of the blue during the day. Running errands together. Taking drives through the mountains or hiking. I even feel joy when my husband says. I’ll go to the grocery, folds the laundry, or cleans up the kitchen after dinner. Heck yeah, helping with chores brings me joy.  Can I get an “amen” on that, ladies? 

2.     Stop expecting your husband to figure out what brings you joy because if he doesn’t know, he probably won’t do it. You may think it is so romantic when he just knows, but that is a fantasy world. It makes me think of the title of the song by Katy Perry- “It’s not like the movies.” 

For instance, I love my kids, and I know the things they like. However, at Christmas time, I never assume I know what they want or need, and they always give me a list. Why? Because I want to provide them with what they most want and need. I could give them what I think they need, but that isn’t how I want to approach it.

For complete show notes go to http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/14

Today is a short but powerful episode on emotional flooding that can lead to stonewalling or, in other words, a total emotional shutdown. But have no fear. I’m going to give you 8 steps to self-soothe when you or your spouse feel this way. You will find show notes to this episode at reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/13. 

There are times in our relationship that conflict can emit intense emotions. It can feel so overwhelming we can totally shut down. This shut down is called stonewalling. I talked about it in episode 9 When I spoke of 4 things to avoid in a fight. If you haven’t listened to that, you can find that at reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/9. Stonewalling is one of the four horsemen you want to avoid when having any conflict. You don’t want the wall to come up because it shuts down any resolution to the problem. 

Let me give you what happens in your body when you are flooded before stonewalling. Your heart rate increases, your body goes rigid, your breathing becomes shallow, and your emotions override your thinking. Then your brain goes into fight or flight mode.  Guess how rational you are in fight or flight mode? It’s like seeing a car coming toward you in your lane. Your brain doesn’t think, your adrenaline spikes and you go into instinctual reactionary mode. You don’t think, “Oh, there is a car coming toward me in my lane. What would be the best way to handle this?. No. You react and remove yourself from the danger.

Now according to research, in 85% of heterosexual marriages, the man is the stonewaller.  In studying the physiological response among the sexes, men are more overwhelmed by marital conflict than women.  However, this doesn’t mean women can’t stonewall. I have experienced my own stonewalling in almost every relationship.

I use to be the queen of getting so overwhelmed that I walked away and refused to engage any longer, refusing to come back to the issue at hand. My favorite phrase was, “I’m done with you.” 

 My daughter and I were having a heart to heart about a conflict she was having with her significant other the other day. She was detailing what happened and her response. We laughed out loud when she told me she said, “I’m done with you!” and walked out. We both knew where she learned that skill. She even said It sounded just like you, mom.   Of course, we spent another 30 minutes on the phone talking about how to de-escalate with self-soothing and coming back to talk. Thank God I’ve learned better skills so I can help my kids become better partners. 

Problems in any relationship have to be discussed rationally -not that emotions aren’t present, but manageable, or they can become a roadblock.

 So, I want to give you 8 things to self-soothe when you feel emotionally flooded during the conflict.  This is called progressive muscle relaxation to being our bodies and minds down to a calmer state.


Complete show notes to this episode can be found at  http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/13

For Episode 12, I will discuss ways to respond to and place bids for connection. 

 To connect emotionally in a marriage, a husband and wife must mindfully turn their attention toward each other. 

You hear the word mindfulness mainly regarding meditation, but the definition of mindfulness is not exclusive to meditation. Mindfulness is the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. I'm talking about being conscious and aware of your spouse's bids for emotional connection for my purposes. 

Human beings reach out for connections all day, every day. When you look someone in the eyes and smile, you are placing a bid. If someone smiles at you and you smile back, you are responding to a bid. When you notice someone is struggling, sad, stressed, angry, and you ask about it, you are placing a bid. When you ask for help or support, you are placing a bid. There are billions of emotional bids, but these are just a few simple ones to give you an idea.  

Any time you or your spouse reach out for affection, support, attention, or humor, you are placing a bid.

When you place bids, you need a connection. When you respond to bids, you are providing connection- it's that simple.

Responding to and placing bids provide emotional intimacy in your marriage.  The more you both can turn toward each other mindfully, the deeper your relationship will become. 

So, are you ready to learn how you and your husband can turn toward each other and provide emotional support by acknowledging bids? Well, here it goes. 

1.    Become keenly aware of your spouse, intentionally focusing and becoming curious.  I know this can be hard because sometimes we might not be terribly interested in the details, the story is long, it's about things we don't understand or things we can't relate to. It is important to suspend judgment long enough to tap into your spouse's emotional bid is extending to you.

For instance, my husband works in technology, and let me tell you this. I can barely manage a computer. He often shares with me deals he is working on, and much of what he is telling me is over my head. I use to tune out and respond with little phrases like uh-huh, yeah. But once I realized he was reaching out for a connection, I started tuning in instead of just listening aimlessly. I started asking questions about what he was sharing, so I could understand better. I responded to his bids with my attention and curiosity to understand his world more. Will knowing about his work change my life? No, but by responding to his bids positively improves my marriage's intimacy and makes him more likely to give me the same attention in return. 

Don't you know when someone isn't giving you their full attention? How does that affect you placing bids for connection in the future? Kills it, right? Don't be that person. 

Hang on here. I'll get to the part of your spouse, not responding to your bids.

 You can find the complete show not at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/12

Welcome to episode 11 on increasing your fondness and admiration for your husband.  It makes a monumental difference between a happy and unhappy marriage.  

Today I’m going to give you ways to increase your fondness and appreciation and a simple way to share it to enhance your relationship. 

The opposite of fondness and admiration in your marriage is criticism and contempt. Here are some questions you can ask yourself to see where you stand on this topic. 

Do you ruminate on the faults and failings of your spouse? 

Do you think about your spouse more negatively than positively?

Do you compare your husband to other men and find him lacking?

Do you feel and share respect and honor for your husband?

Do you cherish him for who he is? 

Do you remember all the reasons you feel in love with your husband? 

Do you feel irritable with your husband more times than not?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, I hope this episode will help you. Just because you had more yeses than no’s, doesn’t mean that you are a bad spouse, or you have a bad husband. The women I work with don’t have horrible husbands, nor are they horrible wives. They are just humans-imperfect for sure, but not beyond hope. Most just need a little push in the right direction. 

And let me say here, even in a relationship with fondness and admiration present, there are times of dealing with glaring flaws, but they don’t override the honor and respect that is the foundation of the relationship. They still cherish one another despite it. 

So, how do you increase your fondness and admiration for your husband?

1.     Choose to change your focus.   

What’s your habit of mind with regard to your husband? Everyone feels negative at times, but if you are finding you are focusing on the negative, more than the positive, become aware of it. Because they focus on what is wrong, they miss what is right. People who have low self-esteem can also be critical because they are so critical of themselves. Changing your focus means you begin to look for the good in situations and your husband. This shift of focus takes time as you may be in a habit of negativity that takes practice to overcome. However, with this practice, you will find you become more positive and quite frankly happier and freer. If you have a beautiful flower garden, you may notice the weeds that creep up from time to time, but they don’t take away from the beauty of the flowers. 

2.     Get in the habit of looking for things you can appreciate about your husband. 

It doesn’t have to be a monumental thing. In fact, the more you notice the little things, the more and more your fondness and admiration will increase. Do you like how your husband dresses? Do you like that he knows how to fix things? Does he love to eat your cooking? Is he a good father, son, friend? Do you like how he laughs? I could go on and on with little things, but I think you get the idea. 

3.     Tell your partner what you appreciate. 

For complete show notes to this episode visit http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/11